Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Who's Lying?
And, anyway, on tonight's show,
this belt's need replacing.
Drake Brooks.
He's low on fluid.
Wayne Brady.
He needs to tune up.
Colin Cochran.
And he just blew a gasket.
Ryan Stiles.
And your host, Drew Carey.
Come on down.
Let's have some fun.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome.
Welcome to Who's Lying?
Is it Anyway?
Welcome to Who's Lying?
Is it Anyway?
The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right.
The points are like the word rapid in rapid transit.
It's all a big lie.
If you never saw the show before, what happens,
these guys are going to make up everything off the top of the heads
that you see tonight.
And then we give them these fakey points.
And we pick a fake winner.
The winner gets to do a little something special with me.
The loser has to hunt for the tapioca.
Let's start out with a game called Survival Shows for all four of you.
I wonder if the audience, is this a suggestion of an indoor workplace
where there's a lot of activity?
Post office.
Post office.
So you guys are, our performers are appearing in a new reality program
where four people are forced to survive together.
However, they're not on a desert island.
They're at the post office.
First there were 27 of them.
Now it's down to three.
The winner will receive $400 in first class stamps.
The Survival Show, day 48.
Alright everyone, lunch break.
It's time to sing all of Helen Reddy's songs.
Shut up.
Ready?
Shut up.
And it's alphabetical.
Alphabetical.
I'll tell you one thing.
I'm not eating rat anymore.
There's 50 restaurants in this general area.
Why are we eating rat?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Because light is love.
And love is...
Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
Light is love.
Light is love.
Light is love.
Light is love.
Now it's time for the Tribal Council.
You will vote one member off.
That member will leave immediately.
Do not stop at the box.
Do not try to park in the blue space out in front.
Now it's time to vote.
Please, let's not use the postal service.
It'll take too long.
Let's just carry on.
I chose Colin.
Because he makes me angry.
I want to kill him.
I chose Wayne.
I used a system where I put a number to each letter of his name.
I added, multiplied by three, and divided by my month and date of my birthday.
Also, I think he wants to kill me.
I voted for myself.
I want to get the hell out of here.
Who's everyone talking to?
I'm available to host the Price is Right.
All right, gentlemen.
I'm going to read the votes.
Remember, whoever loses leaves the island.
And you have to lick the stamp of doom.
Ryan?
Ryan, this is in your handwriting.
Colin?
Wayne.
All three of you lose.
You all leave now.
That was great.
Three to four points a piece.
It's the same three to four points that the polls use for the margin of error.
So they're kind of special.
Let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat.
It's called Scenes from a Hat.
Now, before the show, we ask our audiences to write down suggestions for things,
and we take the best ones of scenes they'd like to see, put them in this hat.
Then I read them out and see how many our performers can do for you.
Starting with, when it's unwise to say, I don't care to her.
And I'll name him Little Greg, and you'll have your eyes and your hair.
Whatever.
Yeah, I love you, too.
Scenes from Wayne's Real Life.
People you wish would just shut up.
People you wish would just shut up.
It's Trebek, and this is Jeopardy.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That buzz was too late.
I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton.
The permissitude of the ingratitude of the ingratiation of the whole entire nation
makes for the spatially defaulted multiplicity of the continually, continually
metamorphoses set upon the prophecies of the congregation.
This is therefore to my people.
I'm not finished.
I had an idea for a show.
Four women with different viewpoints.
Maybe two different.
Men that women just don't seem to go for.
Pick up lines of the elderly.
Want to break a hip?
I keep my teeth in a glass.
Why don't you touch your toes and grab my breasts?
I bet you and me could go through a whole tuba band gate.
Things you shouldn't do when confronted by a street gang.
Do you know how many eggs go in a really good banana bread recipe?
Okay, okay.
Okay, wait.
Don't hit me.
Look.
Here.
I've got money.
Wait, it's 150.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Here's two bucks.
All right, all right.
Tickle fight.
Things you shouldn't joke about with your girlfriend's father.
No, but really, Mr. Proops, she's like a banshee.
Difficult things to sell door to door.
Ding dong.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm a whore.
I was wondering.
Ding dong.
Yes?
Hi.
We're selling the home version of Whose Line Is It Anyway.
Right after this.
Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
Just to remind you, I may not be the most downloaded, but I've downloaded the most.
Let's keep the show going on with a game called Reunion.
This is for Greg, Ryan, and Colin.
What this game is, is these guys are all at a celebratory reunion, and they share a common bond because they have all been drill sergeants.
And they'll end the game with their old drill sergeant song that they used to all sing together.
We'll take it away with the drill sergeant reunion.
Oh, it's good to see you again.
It's good to see you.
How are you today?
I am fine.
I can't hear you.
I'm fine.
Good enough.
Hey, I can't remember.
Where are you from?
I'm from Oklahoma.
Where are you from?
Oklahoma.
Only two things come from Oklahoma.
Steers and other steers that like them.
Oh, buddy.
Who's the guy that's always late?
Who's the guy that's always late?
How are you doing?
Good.
How are you?
Hi.
Hi.
Let's relax.
At ease.
What a great reunion, fellas.
It's been a while.
Oh, sure.
So what are you doing now?
I'm sorry.
What are you doing now?
I'm standing like this quite a bit.
All right.
Remember that song we used to sing, fellas?
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Why don't we sing it for Old Times Day?
Sorry?
Old Times Day.
Hey.
20 years ago, not far away, we fought the enemy, ready to get away.
Fight, fight, fight, fight against the enemy.
Fight, fight, fight, fight, and stay like you.
I'm from Canada, that's how they stand.
Peacekeepers.
Stop it.
Never get past the little teapots.
All right, let's play a game called Reunion.
Oh no, we didn't do that.
Oi!
Oi!
All right, just for that, we're going to do the game called Greatest Hits.
This is for Colin, Ryan and Wayne.
Lauren, Wendell, will you help out?
Laura Hall, Linda Taylor.
In this game, Colin and Ryan are TV commercial pitchmen talking about the latest compilation
album, and Wayne is going to try to sing the songs that these guys make up for him.
They're going to make up the titles and stuff for the songs, and he has to try to do the
songs they make up for him.
I wonder if the audience has a suggestion of a type of vacation.
Hawaii.
Safari.
Okay, Safari.
You were so enthusiastic about it.
Safari.
So the album is Songs of the Safari.
Take it away.
Hi, we'll be back to our politically correct production of The Good, the Bad and the Beauty
Impaired.
Hey Colin, what's it make you think of when you hear this sound?
My heart, after a big makeout session.
No, no.
Safari, Colin.
Oh, right.
Yeah, and we've got all the songs in the Safari, all 832 of them, on a two CD set.
Each song is not longer than 10 or 15 seconds.
Anyway, one of the best songs on this will get your toes a tapping and your nose a running
is that great 1920s Fats Waller kill.
Oh, I love him.
And his great Safari song, Lion Nibbling on My Toes.
Yeah, come on in.
After all, the countryside's open for everybody, man and beast.
I was in the jungle, one day I thought I was the boss, but the lions, they were attracted
to me like my people covered in barbecue sauce.
I was trying to run, but they kept to encroach, and then they grabbed my leg and started nibbling
like I was one big meatloaf, oh big lion nibbling on my toes, every time I keep on crying, Lord,
I got the nibbling bones, because that's just lion, oh on my leg he rides, you got to hand
it to those lions, they've got a lot of pride, oh lion, keep nibbling on my big one gone
and the other two, oh the lion keep nibbling on my toes, oh he's on my toes, I told you
he's on my toes.
Sounds painful, but in a way kind of cute.
If you don't want to laugh, then just don't laugh.
No, I felt it.
You know, there's songs on this CD set from all over the world.
You know, I just returned from a trip to Jamaica.
Really?
And you know, reggae isn't the only music they play down there?
Get out of town and take a bus.
They have a little music style down there called Jamaican rap, and one of my favorite
songs in the time that I was there was one of my favorites, Ants, Ants, Ants in My Pants.
Come again old man, you still listen to me boy, come get my one, no no no no, now every
time I get busy, now every time I want to get down and dance, because every time I start
moving like this, what that mean, got ants in me pants, now listen to me, here's a little
trick, don't ever sit on an ants home when you're having a picnic, oh no, ants in my
pants, ants, ants, ants, oh ants make me dance, oh give me a chance, ants in my pants, have
you seen, ouch, I think that was the queen, ants in my pants, ants in my pants, ants in
my pants, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You know Colin, we might have to put a label on this CD because I could have swore I heard
the word ants home.
I think I did.
Sometimes I just don't know about you.
You know, I have many favorite artists, Van Gogh is one, but he didn't really sing a lot.
No.
I couldn't hear a word.
George didn't have the ear for it.
Him and Beethoven.
Oh, I love that dog, anyway.
But you digress, one of my favorite artists of all time is the wonderful, wonderful Tracy
Chapman.
I knew you were going to say that.
You did not.
I did too.
You did not.
And of course, her great safari-related song, Man It's Hot.
Oh, I hear how, oh, oh, oh, no, little old man can't tell me what he want to tell me,
oh, I thought that I had it, but it's 110, don't you know, oh, I hear how, oh, will you
look out, oh, oh, I hear how, oh, let me man.
Yes, I got a very fast hand, oh, look at me, man, oh, look at me, man, I've got a really
fast hand, it's so hot I can't stand, oh, hot I can't stand, every night I want to get
busy, but I can't cause it's too hot tonight, because all the way from my toes to my dreadlocks
is 400 degrees Fahrenheit, oh, oh, oh, it's a little too hot, oh, oh, hey, it's a little
too hot, it's a little too hot, it's a little too hot, I'm melting, it's a little too hot.
Thanks for watching the commercial, we'll be right back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway.
Welcome to this, don't go away.
The winner does not get to do a little something special with me, in fact, the losers do, we
get to do a game for you called props, so can we have our props?
And what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to use these props to go back
and forth and make up as many funny things as we can with them, and Greg, you're going
to buzz us in between, okay, starting with Ryan and I, ready, Ryan?
Me and Ryan, starting with me.
I'm mining the P's, you take care of the Q's.
Don't move, there's a B on your shoulder.
Yes, do you have a table for Elton John, Elton John?
Push me, Rhett, push me.
Man, it's cold.
Two, three, four.
Welcome to the biggest strip club in Oz.
Today we bury Pamela Sue Anderson.
Who is to be circumcised?
That's the longest P I've ever had.
We'll be right back with more Who's Line.
We're going to have Colin and Ryan read the credits for you tonight.
This is how we watch you read the credits.
Ryan, you're Dr. Frankenstein and you're teaching your monster, Colin, to read.
Thanks for watching, everybody.
We'll see you next time.
Bye.
Okay.
No more church and steeple.
You can read my creation.
Read, read.
Mark Levinson.
Wolf.
Read quicker, read quicker.
Four.
Go, go, go, go.