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The family is under attack today
All around us marriages are crumbling and vulnerable little children are caught in the disintegration
It's been said that the very foundations of our society are being eroded by the instability of so many individual homes
In this third part of the focus on the family series. Dr. James Dobson associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern
California School of Medicine discusses what he feels are the greatest threats to meaningful family life and then offers our best hope for its survival
His comments about fathering reflect a very personal relationship with his own dad whose love and commitment might serve as a model for us all
This session began on Saturday morning with a little game that dr. Dobson played with the audience
I think you'll enjoy this session. So let's join. Dr. James Dobson in Laurie auditorium
This is a conference dedicated to the family and
Because of that, I think it's entirely appropriate this morning that
We play a little game with each other. I would like to identify
These super moms who are here in the crowd this morning
And I think that can best be done by process of elimination and I'd like all the ladies to stand. Would you do that?
Now what a
Lovely bunch now we are going to
Work this out by process of elimination. So if you forgot to make your bed this morning, please sit down
We lost a few there
If you look at the
The view there if you left
If you left dirty dishes in the sink this morning, please sit down
If you became
If you became angry at your children in the last 24 hours, you're unqualified. Please sit down
If you forgot to take the meat out of the freezer for tonight's dinner, please sit down
All right for those of you who remain standing just how long have you had this basic problem with honesty
But good morning to you all did anybody go home and spank your kids last night
Nobody I spoke in Santa Barbara on
discipline on a Friday night and
Then the next morning Saturday morning a father came to me and told me that it had become necessary for him to discipline his five-year-old
That morning only he didn't spank him. He sent him to his room to sit on a chair and he forgot he was in there
And the father came walking down the hall
Having left to get in there about a half hour and walked past the door and the little boy called out and said I know
Why you sent me in here and he said why and he says cause I'm a little boy
And he says cause you've been attending that meeting where they're teaching you how to beat kids
That's not what I was trying to say last night and in fact
I really believe if you follow those principles that you will wind up with less punishment and certainly less hostility
between generations
May I before we get started this morning see the hands of any of you here who just happen to be grandparents. Oh?
We've got a good representation of grandparents here. I'm glad you're here today because I brought something for you
You heard last night
I'm on the staff of Children's Hospital in Los Angeles
And we have a paper that's put out by the staff of the hospital called the chatter
and it contains various items of employee news and things of interest to the staff of the hospital and
A while back a nurse by the name of Juanita Nelson submitted a little piece for the chatter
That I thought was priceless, but she did not identify who wrote this piece
All she said is that it was written by a nine-year-old girl a third grade girl
this is a little piece called what is a grandmother and
As I say is written by an unidentified nine-year-old girl Juanita has retired
And I don't know how to find this little girl, but I know she is a very perceptive child and you'll see that too
She said a grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own
Which is an interesting definition
She likes other people's little girls and boys a grandfather is a man grandmother
That's the beginning of women's lib right there
He goes for walks with the boys and they talk about fishing and stuff like that
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except to be there. They're old so they shouldn't play hard or run
It is enough if they drive us to the market where the pretend horse is and to have lots of dimes ready
Or if they take us for walks
They should slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars
And they should never say hurry up now get her next line
She says usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes
They wear glasses and funny underwear
They can take their teeth and gums off
They can take their teeth and gums off
I won't ask you grandmothers if you can do that
Grandmothers don't have to be smart only answer questions like why isn't God married?
And how come dogs chase cats?
Then she comes to her final paragraph and she says everybody should try to have a grandmother
Especially if you don't have television
And then her final line because they are the only grown-ups who have time
I thought that was very perceptive of that little girl
She has in her own way there described the extremely important role that grandparents play in the life of a child
And I believe it's a God-given responsibility
A little different than that of parenthood but still very important in the life of a child
But as importantly folks that little girl has made two references in that one column there
To the characteristic that I find most typical of the American family
Indirectly she's referred to it twice
The single feature that is most typical everywhere I go across this country
It's the same story and that is represented by fatigue and time pressure
Everybody is exhausted everybody is huffing and puffing and pushing and shoving and hurrying and running back and forth
And working on a to-do list and never quite getting it all done and feeling that constant pressure 12 months out of the year
You work 50 months 50 weeks out of the year and you got a two-week vacation in the summer and there's the same kind of pressure
If we don't get to st. Louis by sundown we'll lose our reservations
And it's a situation that becomes characterized by what I call routine panic
See it's not atypical at all it's constant it's all the time
And in fact I think we have to do things to kind of make us make ourselves feel better about it
And so we rationalize a bit and we convince ourselves
In fact folks people can look you right in the eye and tell you and they mean it that's the interesting thing
They really believe it they'll tell you why yes it's true
We're under a great deal of pressure right now we don't have much family life
No we didn't take a vacation last summer we'll probably get one next year
But we've been working pretty hard long hours no we don't go to the park on Saturdays
We don't really have a lot of time together but it's a temporary problem
See there are reasons for it we have to understand that right now it's kind of tough
But it won't always be this way
See right now John's trying to get that master's degree and until he gets through school it'll be kind of rugged
So we won't have much family time till a year from June
But if we can just live till a year from June see then it's going to change
We'll be out of school and everything's going to ease up then we're going to have family life
Or well we just bought this new house see and we're trying to fix it up and build on a room or paint it or put in the yards
And until we get our house put together we don't have the money to hire all this done
It's going to be we're going to have quite a bit of pressure on us
But as soon as we get that done then it'll ease up
Or we just bought this new business and we didn't have the money to hire the staff that we needed
And so we're working about 12 or 13 hours a day
But you see after a year then the capital will be coming in and then it'll ease up
Then we'll have some family time
Or the classic excuse of all times well you know we just have this new baby
And he's not sleeping through the night and till we get him in kindergarten
Everybody can tell you why they're going through temporary pressures
It's just right now see there's a light at the end of the tunnel
If we can just exist until a year from June then it's going to be better
Folks that is an illusion maybe it's a delusion
We have convinced ourselves that tomorrow will be different
But tomorrow won't be different because the problem is not really out there
The problem is in here
And I think we find ourselves driven month in month out
And I want to tell you when I asked last night
How many of you considered yourselves to be committed Christians
Nearly everybody here or so it would have appeared to me held up your hands
And from that perspective you ought to know at least my opinion
That I see this as the greatest threat to meaningful family life
Especially for Christians
Because we're not as threatened by those sinful circumstances that destroy other families
It can happen to us too but it shouldn't
Of infidelity and alcoholism and those things
They're not quite as threatening within the Christian family
But this matter of over commitment which can destroy you just about as quickly
Is more characteristic of the Christian family than the non-Christian family
Because you add church responsibilities to everything else
And you add the time that it takes for devotions and forgiving and bearing one another's burdens
And all the rest that the Christian ethic implies
And we don't sleep in on Sunday morning and watch an NFL game
Do we friends?
We may watch SC Alabama late on Saturday afternoon
And in fact folks I meant to tell you I wish I could be with you
Uh huh
I realize the sacrifice you men have made to be here too
Because Notre Dame and Michigan are playing this morning
So we all have to make our sacrifices don't we?
But at any rate where was I? I forgot what I was saying to you
At any rate I think we have a way of convincing ourselves
That it's just sort of a temporary thing
But instead you see what happens is these short term problems
They are short term, get sandwiched back to back
So instead of it being a temporary problem
It becomes a long term lifestyle
And we careen down the road to old age and husbands don't know their wives
And wives don't know their husbands
Nor wives know their children
And I see it as a tremendous barrier to everything meaningful within the family
And you know who pays the biggest price tag for it?
Little children
Primarily because values are not taught to children
Values are caught by children
So you just don't put your children down in a chair and you say
Johnny this I believe and this you will believe also
And this is the nature of the universe and these are the things I believe about God
And here's my theology and this is what I want of you and this is right and wrong
You really don't do that very often
You can't get away with that except under exceptional circumstances
How then do you teach your values to your children?
You teach them incidentally little by little moment by moment
By hearing you talk, by being with you, by hearing you talk on the phone
They pick it up very very subtly
We saw this illustrated in our own home a while back
When our daughter was ten and Ryan was five
At that time, and it's no longer true I might tell you
At that time our little girl was in the process of building her conscience
Stone upon stone, precept upon precept
She wanted to know what do you believe daddy?
What's right and what's wrong?
What does God want?
What's sin?
What does he want of me?
What is right?
What is black?
What's white?
She was asking those kind of questions
If you have a ten year old, they're probably in that same process
Immediately prior to puberty, there is the final process of building the conscience
And it is a very important time in the spiritual life of a child
Now once they get into adolescence, they're listening to their own peer group much more
And our daughter is starting to move into that a little more
But at that time she was really listening and it's a scary time
Because you realize the importance of it
And if we were sitting watching television together
And God's name was used in vain as it is on almost every program today
And folks, I don't know how you feel about that, but that bothers me
That bothers me a great deal
That bothers me more than the sex and violence on television
Because God is very holy to me
And the Bible says, God is not mocked
And one of the Ten Commandments is, Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
This is an absolute in the Bible
And to take his name and use it in casual conversation
To use it to punctuate a sentence, to use it in humor
That really bothers me, especially when it comes into my own home
And our daughter knows that
So if we were sitting watching television and God's name was used in vain
I didn't have to turn and look at Dene
I could see her out of the corner of my eye turn and look at me
And see what she was saying when she did that
She was saying, say it again daddy
I've heard it before but I need to hear you say it again
You don't approve of that, do you?
You don't like that coming into our home
Affirm for me that that's against your standards and what you believe
And what she really expects me to do is to get up and turn that set off
Or change the channel
Because in so doing, you see, I am saying to her
This is something I believe
Well that process was taking place
And we were riding in the car about a mile from our house
And at that time there was an X-rated movie there
Which has since been torn down and I'm glad that it has
But we were driving past this thing
Ryan was in the back seat at five years of age
And Dene's in the front seat and we're driving along
We pass this movie
I think the name of it was Flesh Gordon or something like that
And when we drove past this movie Dene looked over at it
And in characteristic fashion she said
That's a dirty movie, isn't it daddy?
I said yes Dene, I think it is
She said is that what they call an X-rated movie?
And I said yes Dene, I suppose that's an X-rated movie
She thought for a minute or two and she said
Boy dirty movies are really evil, aren't they?
And I said yes Dene, they are very evil
Now the whole conversation took about a block in the car
She asked me three one sentence questions
And I gave her three short one sentence answers
That's all there was to it
Ryan's in the back seat
And he did not enter into the conversation
And I wondered what he thought about it
Because he didn't say anything
And I just finally figured well the kid didn't hear it
But he heard it
And he not only heard it but he thought about it
But the funny thing is folks
Ryan would have no idea in the world what goes on in a dirty movie
I mean how's a five year old going to know that?
Nobody ever sat down and said this is what a dirty movie is
But he had his own ideas about it
And I found out what those ideas were
Four nights later having said nothing about that conversation in between
We got out of bed time to pray our bedtime prayer
And little Ryan prayed first
And he folded his little hands
And spontaneously returned to that conversation four days earlier
And he said dear Lord help me not go see any dirty movies
Then he revealed what he thought a dirty movie was
He says where everybody is spitting on one another
For Ryan the dirtiest thing he can think of
Would be where everybody would get together and spit on one another
But you know I learned something that day
I learned something about how subtly values are transmitted
See I did not know that I was going to teach Ryan
One more little element of what I believed on that day
How did it happen? I didn't plan it
It happened because we were together
And he was listening to me and hearing what I had to say
And that's the way you convey it
And you lose that opportunity when you're never home
When you're exhausted when you're there
When you're carrying a briefcase full of work
When you're irritable because you're so fatigued
And I see this as a tremendous tool
A tremendous barrier to everything that we care about
You know I'm not the only one to have a concern at that point
You do not even have to have a Christian perspective
To have those same views
And in fact there was a song that was popular a few years ago
You can still hear it almost every day on certain stations
I think it's one of the most creative of all popular songs I've ever heard
Because it goes to the heart of the American way of life
And I have the words here before me
I'm not going to sing it to you
We just clear the auditorium out
The name of the song is Cats in the Cradle
It was written by a fellow named Harry Chapin
I do not know Harry Chapin
But I know that he knows what I'm talking about today
Because he could not have written the words of this song
If he didn't know something about it
He said, my child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking before I knew it
And as he grew he'd say, I'm going to be like you, Dad
You know I'm going to be like you
And the cats in the cradle in the silver spoon
The little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you're coming home, Dad
Well, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, my son turned 10 just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, Dad
I'm going to play, can you teach me to throw?
I said, not today, I got a lot to do
He said, that's okay
And he walked away
But his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm going to be like him
Yeah, you know I'm going to be like him
And the cats in the cradle in the silver spoon
The little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you're coming home, Dad
Well, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man that I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?
He shook his head and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the keys
See you later, can I have them please?
When you coming home, son?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, I've long since retired and my son's moved away
And I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd sure like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
But you see, my new job's a hassle
And the kids have the flu
But it's sure been nice talking to you, Dad
It's been nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone
It occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
The little boy blue and the man in the moon
When you coming home, son?
Well, I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dad
You know we'll have a good time then
I don't know if that cracks you between the eyes like it does me
But there's a message in that song for us
Have you ever heard yourself saying to your child, son?
We've been talking about it a long time
But I'm gonna take you fishing
I know you wanna go and I know a good place to go
And I'm gonna take you, I really am
Now, it can't be this weekend, see
Because I'm gonna be gone and I'm not sure about next weekend
But you keep talking about it
You keep reminding me we're gonna do it
And we're gonna build that wagon out in the backyard
We've been talking about that a long time, too
And we'll get around to it
Just right now, see, I'm under quite a bit of pressure
Just wait till things kind of ease up a little
And we're gonna do those things together
And the days flow into weeks and the weeks flow into months
And the months flow into years and the years flow into a lifetime
And our children are growing up right around our feet
And I don't even know them
And I see it as a tremendous barrier
And I see a lot of the adolescent rebellion
Growing out of the fact that children want us
More than they want the junk that we buy them
Uh, Mack McQuiston told me yesterday
Of a study that a priest told him about last week
Where American children were recently asked
If you had to give up your dad or give up the television set
Which would you take?
And 92% of the kids said we'd rather have our dads
And 92% of the children, in the most part, don't have their dads
Folks, I went before the Lord a few years ago
And I asked Him for a very special favor
I said, Lord, as long as I'm gonna be speaking for you
Because I'm gonna give you the family with the values that I believe in
And that I believe you gave to me
I may as well have your message for the Christian family
Give me what you want said and I will take the message
And in a very quiet way
Not even, you know, lightning and thunder
And even an audible voice or anything of that nature
I'm not trying to make something mystical out of it
But God gave me what I'm gonna say to you right now
This is what God wants me to say to the Christian family
And perhaps to the family at large
And that's why if you follow me around
What I'm gonna do with these videotape machines here today
To try to get the message out
The Lord gave me this message that if America is going to make it
Perhaps in the next decade, the timing He didn't give me
If America is going to survive
It will be because husbands and fathers begin to put their families
At the highest level of priorities
And reserve something of their time, effort, and energy
For leadership within their own homes
There is no subject that I feel more strongly about than this one
Because all over this country little children are reaching for fathers who aren't there
And it is heartbreaking for me to see it happen
And you're aware of it as well as I
I was speaking earlier today about Dr. Uri Bronfenbrenner at Cornell University
They conducted a study there to determine the average amount of time
That middle class fathers spend with their small children each day
And so in order to test it they developed a sample of families
And actually went into the homes of those children
And put microphones on the shirts of those children
And first asked the fathers to estimate how much time they thought they spent
With their small children each day
And they got an estimate of something like 40 minutes a day
And then to test that they actually recorded the direct interactions between generations
Over a 10 or 12 day period
Gathered the data, analyzed the results, and announced that the average amount of time
Middle class fathers spend with their small children each day was 37.7 seconds
37 seconds per day between father and small child
And what can you say to your children about the values you care about
And the meaning of life and the God you love in 37 seconds a day
But hello and goodbye
And we'll have a good time then son
We'll be together, we're gonna do it
Put that statistic on one side
On the other side put the well known statistic that the average amount of time
Middle class children spend watching television per day in the preschool years
Or rather per week is 54 hours
37 seconds a day coming from fathers
And 54 hours a week coming from television
And then tell me where the values are coming from
Who's doing the teaching?
And where is that interaction?
Folks, my dad was sick a while back
And I was sitting in the hospital waiting to find the results
And I picked up an American Girl magazine
You know I must have been desperate for something to read
To pick up an American Girl magazine
It was the only thing there but the Lord laid that magazine in my hands
I'm convinced of that
And I opened the first page
And there jumping out at me is a section called By You
Which are letters to the editors
And a little girl named Vicki Crosshar
14 years of age
Had written a little piece called That's the Way Life Goes Sometimes
Listen to what she had to say
When I was 10 my parents got a divorce
Naturally my father told me about it because he was my favorite
Notice that she did not say I was his favorite
Honey, I know it's been kind of bad for you these past few days
And I don't want to make it worse
But there's something I have to tell you
Honey, your mother and I got a divorce
But daddy
Well I know you don't want this but it has to be done
Now your mother and I just don't get along like we used to
I'm already packed and my plane is leaving in half an hour
But daddy, why do you have to leave?
Well honey, your mother and I can't live together anymore
I know that but I meant why do you have to leave town?
Oh well, I got someone waiting for me in New Jersey
But daddy, will I ever see you again?
Oh sure you will honey, we'll work something out
But what? I mean you'll be living in New Jersey and I'll be living here in Washington
Well maybe your mother will agree to your spending two weeks in the summer with me and two weeks in the winter
Why not more often?
Well I don't even think she'll agree to two weeks in the summer and two weeks in the winter
Much less more
Well it can't hurt to try
I know honey but we'll have to work it out later
Now my plane leaves in 20 minutes and I've got to get to the airport
Now I'm going to go get my luggage
And I want you to go to your room so you don't have to watch me
And no long goodbyes either
Okay daddy, goodbye
Don't forget to write me
I won't, now goodbye, now go to your room
Okay daddy
Daddy I don't want you to go
I know honey but I have to
Why?
Well you wouldn't understand
Yes I would
No you wouldn't
Oh well goodbye
Goodbye, now go to your room and hurry up
Okay well I guess that's the way life goes sometimes
Yes honey
That's the way life goes sometimes
After my father walked out that door
I never heard from him again
You see that little girl speaks for a million children across this country
Who've lost their daddy
And why?
Well he's got someone waiting for him in New Jersey
Besides that he's got to look out for old number one
That's the third best selling book in this country right now
He's got to think about himself
He can't worry about a daughter that's hurting
That misses her daddy
Like Frank Sinatra, he did it my way, he did it his way
Or like Sammy Davis Jr. he had to be him, I gotta be me
Or like Jonathan Livingston Seagull, he had to break from the flock
It really didn't matter about the rest of them
It didn't matter about a child, it didn't matter about mores
It didn't matter about God's values
He's got someone waiting for him in New Jersey
He's got to do his own thing
He's got to do what feels good
Without regard for the consequences for those that depend on him
I feel fathers hold within their hands the power of saving the family
Because women in most cases will follow his leadership
If he'll take the time, effort, and energy to devote himself to his family
And I suppose there's a reason why I feel this so strongly
You'll have to excuse me getting choked up a moment ago
But this is kind of an emotional week for me here in San Antonio
For I came to your city almost exactly one year ago
To speak to the Texas Pediatric Society and the Alamo Heights Methodist Church
Shirley came with me
We flew in here on a Thursday night and I was to speak on Friday
When we arrived at the hotel at 11 o'clock, there was a message
You know, funny, it's been a year
And I can still feel it as though it were yesterday
There was a message to call the pastor of the church
Where my mother and dad attended, Dr. Paul Cunningham
And it said it is an emergency
And I went to the phone, I told Shirley something terrible has happened
For them to have tracked me down here
And I called and Dr. Cunningham said it is true
Your dad has had a major myocardial infarction, heart attack
Paramedics got there in just a matter of moments, eight or ten minutes
They were able to save him
He's now in intensive care and in pretty bad shape
I said, is he dying? And he said, no, I don't think so
He said, in fact, he's stable in an unstable condition
I said, do you think I ought to catch a plane right now and come?
I have a very heavy day tomorrow, I'll cancel it
I'm sure Dr. Fitch and the others would understand
He said, no, I think we're going to make it
I'll stay in touch with you
I got up the next morning, I had one of the longest days of my life
I did three newspaper interviews at nine o'clock
We ran across town and did a live radio broadcast
Ran back across town and did a live television news thing at noon
Then I came running back to the hotel where I was to change clothes
and immediately speak to 300 doctors at two o'clock
They had a meal sent up and I was just time to run in
I opened the door, Shirley met me there with tears in her eyes
I said, what's the matter, Shirley?
She said, Dr. Cunningham wants you to call him back
I ran to the phone and called Dr. Cunningham and he said,
I'm afraid that I have some very bad news for you
He said, your dad isn't expected to live through the night
He has both congestion and arrhythmia, which is a terrible combination
after a heart attack and he said, we do not expect him to live
You better get here as soon as possible
And I also have to tell you that your uncle, with whom I was close,
died at 10.30 this morning in the same hospital
I fell apart because what most people do not know is that my dad
is not only my very good friend and my father, of course, but also my partner
Nearly everything I write originated in a conversation with him
He's had such an enormous influence on me in my adult years
My mother's primary influence was in those critical childhood years
But I was losing my friend
Nevertheless, I felt God brought me to San Antonio to speak to those doctors
And I gathered my wits about me and he helped me and I did speak to them
And when I was through, I just fell apart
Frosty Smith and Clarence Bray took me to the airport and God gave them both to me
For I've never been so overwhelmed with emotion in my life
Shirley and I met at the airport, caught a plane, cried and prayed all the way to Kansas City
There must have been hundreds of people praying for my dad around the country
And when I arrived, I expected to see my mother at the airport
Which would obviously mean my dad was gone, but she was not there
The wife of the president of the college where my dad was an art teacher
Head of the Department of Art was there instead and she had a smile on her face
And she gave me the news that my dad was remarkably better
And he was waiting to see me at the hospital
And I got to go in and talk to him
And share those things that you never get around to until it's almost too late
And I thank God that he gave me 79 more beautiful days with my dad
Before he took him on December 4th of last year
So coming back to San Antonio at this time has real meaning for me
But the beautiful thing is that when Shirley and I were flying to Kansas City
And I thought my dad was gone, I went through my childhood again
And I thought about all those moments of happiness and the happiest days of my life
And I was immediately reminded of the very happiest days I've ever experienced
When I was between 10 and 13 years of age
When my dad and I would get up in the morning crisp and cold, wintry morn
Five o'clock in the morning before anybody else was up, sun hadn't come up
Put on our hunting clothes and our hunting boots
Take our little dog and slip out to the car
And drive 20, 25 miles outside of our little town
To a place that I used to call the big woods because the trees looked so big to me
We'd lock the car and go over the fence and down along a creek
And follow that creek bed back into those woods two or three miles
And my dad would find a place for me where a tree had fallen
And made a little room there and he'd get me situated under there
And then he'd go around the bend and he'd get himself situated under another tree
And we'd wait out there for the sun to come up
And the little animals didn't know we were there
And the squirrels would run back and forth and the birds
And all the beautiful panorama of God's nature which he loved
Would unfold before us in the morning
And something took place out there in those woods between my dad and me
That didn't happen any place else
There was a oneness and a closeness and a communication between us
That made me want to be like that man
That made me want his values for my values
And his life for my life
And his God for my God
It made me identify with him
And I appreciated him and I thought of those happy moments
And then I was overwhelmed with emotion and Shirley said,
What are you thinking now Jim?
I said I'm thinking about the moment at the end of my life
Which will come so quickly
When I lie at the point of death and my two children stand by my bedside
And contemplate the happiest moments of their life
And what will it be?
Will it be a dad who is always racing and running to catch a plane
To go off and speak to somebody?
Will it be a dad who is always writing letters and counseling somebody
And talking on the phone and being the last one to leave church on Sunday morning
Never having time to talk?
Will it be a dad who is being a big man on television and radio making money?
That will not matter that much to me then
What will matter to me will be what will matter to you at that moment
And that is those moments of closeness and warmth and fellowship within the family
Heart to heart between generations
And I resolved on that day to slow it down
It's difficult to do
But what you all are experiencing here today is the aftermath of that decision
It's taken me a year to do it, it's hard to do
I get 750 speaking requests a year
I'm taking two of them next year
And we're taking a videotape and letting that take the place of what I've been doing
I never have completely cut my family out
I've been living by those standards but I want to do better
Especially when the little kids are small
I value those years
Folks, can I crack the door just about an inch and a half
And let you see me really the way I am
No guile, no games
It's dangerous to do that
Most of us never get around to it
But I can't help you unless I'm honest with you
I want to tell you something that I really care about
You want to know number one to me
At the top of the list above all else
Number one, this is it
I bear an enormous continuing burden for the spiritual welfare of my children
It is sometimes so heavy that I ask God to remove it from me
Not because they're doing poorly
We've been very blessed, they're physically healthy, they're happy kids
They're doing well in school
But because I know I haven't won them yet
They still hang in the balance
And there is not one thing in my life that even comes close to comparing in significance
To the task of winning those children to God
And they hang in the balance and there's a tug of war for them
I told you I want to tell you something personal
I don't want to violate a spiritual principle but I think God would have me do this
Not to brag, oh my, not to brag
But to influence you perhaps to do the same thing
We are so aware, Shirley and I, of our inability to do that job of raising our children properly
And preventing all those influences out there that are harmful
That we have since October 1st, 1971 up to three days ago
Devoted one day a week to fasting and prayer
Specifically for the spiritual welfare of our children
Shirley in recent years has not been physically able to do it and that's all right
We don't get under pressure, it's not a guilty thing, we're not trying to hurt
We're not trying to have an ascetic kind of approach
But just quietly saying, Lord, here I am again
Lord, when you list all the things that I care about
When you list all the things I've asked you for about my health and the health of my family
And my job and all the things I'm trying to do and the new book and all that stuff
Lord, when you put it all on the list, put this number one
If you can only answer one prayer for me, put this one at the top of the list
Keep the circle unbroken, that I care about
I am an evangelical, I want to evangelize as many people as possible
I want to influence you, that's what brought me here
But my number one job is to evangelize my children
That exceeds everything else and everything else is pale and washed out by comparison
And I see life as a three-way relay race
Your earthly father runs the race first, carrying the baton
And the baton is the gospel of Jesus Christ
And he makes his lap around the track
And there came a time for most of you when your mother and father handed the baton to you
And you took it and you began making your lap in the track
And the scary thing folks is that there will come a time when you will transfer the baton to your kids
Then they will either take it and run with it or they won't
And the frightening thing is that any coach of track will tell you that relay races are won or lost
In the transfer of the baton
That's where you lose it, that's where you drop it
You don't drop it on the backside of the track
You drop it in transfer from one generation to the other
And I want to tell you from my value system
Number one is that if my kids don't get that baton in their hand
I really don't care very much how fast they run
I don't care what they accomplish in life, I don't care how much money they make
If they don't take that with them, then I have failed
And what brings me to this point of urgency
Is that I am dealing with parents who have been in Christian circles all their lives who have lost their kids
And I have drawn a conclusion that you can go to church and make all the right noises and pay your tithes
And go to the annual picnic and do all that stuff and lose your kids
And if you doubt that, look in the Old Testament at the story of Eli
Eli the priest, God's man
Didn't get around to disciplining his kids and he lost them
That bothered me
You know what bothered me more?
Is that saintly Samuel grew up in the same synagogue as Eli's child
And Samuel watched that whole process take place
Samuel grew up as God's man
Samuel who did never fail from grace
He stayed true to God right to the end of his life
He was God's prophet
Samuel watched Eli lose his kids and Samuel lost his too
And what that said to me is that will God honor me with the automatic salvation of my children
Because I'm out here talking to you if I am not home doing my homework
And if I don't have time to be with them
And I don't think he will
But I want to tell you all something
I do not face the future with fear
I face it with a great deal of enthusiasm and excitement
Because God has heard my prayers and is continuing to hear them
And I have a heritage coming down
Folks, my great grandfather
Four generations back
Devoted the hour from 11 to 12 o'clock every day
For the last few decades of his life
To prayer specifically for the spiritual welfare of his family
He had the same kind of burden for his family that I do for mine
And toward the end of his life he made an announcement
That was very unusual
He said God had made a promise to him
That every member of four generations of his family
Both those born and those not yet born would be Christian
And I represent the fourth generation down from my great grandfather to this
And it's worked out even more interestingly than he would have expected
My great grandfather and grandmother were ministers
And he was the charter member of his denomination
And they had two girls
One of whom became my grandmother, the other my great aunt
Those two girls grew up independently, made their choices
And just happened not only to be Christian
But to marry men who were ministers or became ministers
In the same denomination as their parents
Then those two girls gave birth to five children
Four girls and one boy
One of the girls is my mother
The four girls married ministers in the same denomination
And the boy became one
That brought it down to my generation
And my cousin H.B. London and I were the first two to come through college
We were roommates in our freshman year
The first semester of our sophomore year he announced
That God had called him to be a minister in the same denomination
And I began to get very nervous
About the whole thing
And I can't help but wonder, folks, if my great grandfather
Isn't smiling at me from somewhere today
Because what difference does it make?
You see, I'm the first member of four generations
That has not felt specifically called into the ministry
But as I stand here today talking to you about the gospel
What difference does it make?
The prayers of my great grandfather reach across four generations
Of time and influence what I do with you this very day
And that's the power of prayer
And you have access to it too
I got to tell you one more thing
I am very distressed by ministers
Especially on television
Whom I feel and suspect, maybe this is unfair
But I suspect they're building a constituency
By telling people what they want to hear
And one of the messages people want to hear
Is that if you become a Christian you won't have any more trouble
And it's not right, folks
Applause
Jesus said, in this world ye shall have tribulation
Count on it, but be of good cheer, I've overcome the world
I'm there at Children's Hospital where I see little children
Children of Christians who suffer
And some of them go through unimaginable experiences
And some of the most exciting things I've ever experienced
Are little children 10, 12 years of age
Who die with a testimony on their lips
And I've seen that repeatedly
Some of them are too young to understand and go through trouble
But there's a nurse who was on my staff a while back
Named Gracie, a good Christian woman
And she told me about a little boy who had cancer in her ward
Folks, I don't like to go around the kids who have cancer
I have learned as a professional to cope with what I see there
You have to do that, it doesn't do any good to go home and cry all night or lose sleep
That doesn't help anybody, I've learned to cope with that, I handle it pretty well
But I still don't like to go around the kids who are terminal
Because you know you're going to lose those kids
And you don't want to build a relationship with them
Because you're going to lose them
And it was not until just recently that it was discovered
That everybody else feels that way too
The doctors and the nurses and the mothers and the fathers and the sisters and the brothers
And everybody pulls back from them
Until this was discovered, those kids were up there and just kind of died all by themselves
Oh sure, mother was there, she was just outside the door
But emotionally there was no contact
You give kids a little model hospital room
And let them move the pieces around with the doctors and the nurses in the bed
And the medicines and everything
And as they approach death, they move the pieces farther and farther back from their bed
Until they're outside the door
Because that's in fact what happens
Until this was learned
But I don't like to go around that part of the hospital
But Gracie told me she went in the room of this little five year old boy
Who was dying of cancer of the lungs
Little black fellow
And folks, cancer of the lungs is a very fearful disease for adults to die of
Because your lungs fill up with fluid
And you can't breathe and you feel like you're drowning
Because in fact you really are
But it is terrifying for a child to die of cancer of the lungs
Because of all the things that are experienced
And this little boy was in the latter stages of his life
Gracie knew he wasn't going to live very long
And she was in there trying to help him
And she was arranging his medication
Fixing his bed covers
And she heard this little boy talking about hearing the bells ring
Hear the bells ringing
Bells, the bells are ringing
Gracie thought because he was so near death
That he was hallucinating
And she didn't really answer him or talk to him
She just left his room
She came back later that evening
By then the sun had gone down
And the little boy's mother was there
And she was a very large, loving black woman
And she had that little boy cradled on her lap
And she was rocking him
And she was singing to him
And trying to comfort him
When Gracie came back in the room
She again heard this little boy talking about hearing the bells ring
And Gracie turned to this woman and she said
I know that you know that your little boy is very sick
And I know you know he isn't going to live very long
And he's been hallucinating all day about hearing bells ring
And this woman looked up at her and smiled
And she said, oh no he isn't
She said, I told him when he couldn't breathe
I told him when he hurt
And when he was afraid
If he would look up in the corner of his room
He could hear the bells of heaven ringing for him
She said he's been talking about the bells of heaven all day
That little boy died on her lap that night
He was still talking about the bells of heaven when he died
Folks I want to see that little boy someday
I've got some things I want to say to him
Because his faith has been a model for my own
Do you see what happened there?
Do you understand that that mother
Equipped that little boy with such a heritage of faith
That she enabled him to withstand the very worst thing life can throw at you
It doesn't get any worse than being five years old and dying of cancer in the lungs
That's as bad as it's going to get
And yet he took it
And he took it with courage and he took it with confidence
And he went to his grave in a childish way
Expecting to awaken on the other side
I want to tell him that
I do such moaning and groaning
Over the insignificant little details in my life
But more than that folks
I want to give that heritage of faith
To my children
Because trouble will come their way too
If not now then later
Many of you brought problems here this weekend
That I have not touched on
Maybe one reason I haven't touched on them is I don't know the answer to them
But you have access to that same heritage
And the same God
Would you bow your heads with me in prayer?
Oh dear Heavenly Father we feel your presence in this auditorium today
And I thank you for not being too busy to be here
I thank you for touching me
For I have heard from you today too
I believe I ought to interrupt my prayer at this moment, keep your heads bowed
I want to make an appeal directly to the men who are here
The husbands and fathers
And to the single men as well
If you would like
To let it be known to God and to your wife
That you are rededicating yourself to this task of leadership within your own family
Regardless of what the rest of the world does
And you'd like to do that in a public way
I invite you not because anybody else does it
Or because there's any pressure or because I mention it
But because you want to
Would you stand right where you are and let me finish this prayer on your behalf?
Oh my
I feel I should broaden that
For the wives who are there
If you'd like to stand beside your husbands
To signify your united purpose
You feel free to do so
For you single parents
You've got the toughest job in the universe
You join us
We respect you
Dear Heavenly Father, I give you praise for the honesty in this room
With three quarters of the people
Testifying once again to the desire
To serve you and serve their families
Oh Heavenly Father, in this moment
May I ask a special favor as your child
Speak to each person in the terms they need to hear
I don't know the problems, I don't have the answers
But you never lost a battle
And I ask you to speak especially at this moment
To that person who came here discouraged
Whose life has gone to pieces
Who sees no future
I pray for the parent whose child is suffering
Whose child is sick, whose child is wounded
Whose child's spirit is crushed
Oh Lord, and for the rest of us
Give us strength to do what we know is right
Despite the way the rest of the world is going
I thank you for this weekend
For you are surely here
And we love you
Amen
Thank you