The Home of Savannah!
Hit the Road Jack!
And don't cha come back no more no more no more no more hit the Road Jack
don't cha come back no more
Oh what you say?
Hit the Road Jack!
And don't cha come back no more no more no more no more hit the Road Jack
and don't cha come back no more
Oh, woman, oh, woman, don't you treat me so mean
You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen
I guess if you say so, I have to pack my things and go
That's right, hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more
Oh, what you say
Come on back
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This is for my grandfather, who always said I'd make the family proud
For my mom, who never let me out the door without my homework
For my dad, who worked the night shift to make our lives better
For myself, for my future
Anything special for breakfast?
May I tell you about the daily specials from Post?
First, an exquisite great grains, six sensational flavours in every bite
Next, our very popular fruit and fibre
A tasteful medley of peaches, almonds and clusters
Also, a fine blueberry morning
Real blueberries delicately tossed with clusters and almonds
What a menu!
Make breakfast special every day with the daily special cereals from Post
May I suggest a lovely 2%?
Wow, Tiffany, who's taking you to the Valentine's dance?
I mean, every guy in school wants to go with you
I know, what a headache
I'd hold a lottery, but I don't want to end up at the dance with a geek or a tart or something
I mean, whatever reason God punished him is good enough for me
Did you see that?
That guy didn't even look at me
The nerve!
I don't dress like this to be ignored
I'm a jerk
He must have something I don't know about
If he's not interested in me, he must be really special
Oh, he's different, he's aloof
He's not your typical high school geek
Hi-dee-ho!
Oh, you guys will never guess who I'm going to the dance with this year
I'm washing my hair that night, just so you know
I'm washing mine too
This year, I'm going with a real woman
The chemistry teacher, Miss O'Hara
Divorced and 40
Score O'Rourke
Yeah, I asked her three years ago and she said
Look, you little goon
If you make it to senior year without flunking, I'll go with you
Well, now, this little goon is going to take that chemistry teacher from here to infinity
And beyond
Well, if even you have a date, then I'm going to go line up my date right now
Watch my subtlety
Watch my subtlety
Hi
I was just wondering if you had the page numbers for the history homework
Are you in my history class?
I sit right in front of you
Oh yeah!
Cartier!
It's Tiffany
Tiffany!
He doesn't even know who I am
Oh God, I'm in love
Hey Jack, what's that on your shirt?
Where?
Sucker!
Grow up
I'm just a scamp, I'm sorry, I am
Smarter than the Cookie Monster
Sexier than Elf
Sexier than Elf
A better ride than Mr. Ed
And I don't have to put out to get work like that trollop lamb chop
What the hell is this? This must be a mistake
It's a notice from the postmaster that I'm under investigation for sending obscene mail to Pamela Anderson
Mr. Floppy
What did you do?
Come on, it's Valentine's Day
I sent her a little note
Yeah?
She sent back a restraining order
Can't go within 500 feet of her it says
What kind of a note did you send?
It was a touching little valentine
Something that says I love you in my touching little bunny way
Well here's a copy of it
Dear Pamela, oh ye of the Baywatch Biggins
I'd like to put my furry little face between your golden mounds
And live there forever in happiness and tranquility
Twink, twink, honk, honk, love Floppy
From the desk of Jack Malloy Joe's used car sound
Why are you so obsessed with these super women who you can never have?
When I go out to eat, I don't want a salad, I want steak
And when I go looking for a woman, I want prime beef
So girls, on this Valentine's Day, picture me right between them going
Bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong
Hey Dad, can I talk to you?
Why are you always coming to me for advice?
Don't you have any friends you can talk to?
I need some advice Dad, I mean, how do you get to me?
I need some advice Dad, I mean, how do you turn on a 40 year old woman?
Who cares?
I'm taking one to the dance and I'm a little nervous, what if I fall in love or something?
Look son, you remember that old car I let you use when you were first learning how to drive?
Didn't look like much, everything was kind of loose and squeaky
Well, it's okay to practice on something like that, but you don't want to own it
Okay Dad
Now, do you have protection?
Oh yeah, I've been wearing it since I was 15 just in case
I probably should have spent more time with you when you were younger, but I just didn't want to
Now, let's watch some daytime talk shows and see what kind of demented freaks are on display today
I have a sad tale indeed
Mom?
Welcome back to Wally on Everything
Today our topic is women who live with their daughters who hate them
We're back with Maureen, who is a member of the Aged Challenged
whose own daughter's cruelty knows no bounds
When she was pregnant, before she was married, I took care of her
but now she doesn't need me anymore and she wants to throw me out
Me, with my bad hair? Well I say, too bad I'm staying
I'm staying!
I'd just like to say that I would never take away my mother's pills
or her liquor
Give us a name to go with this face
Her name is Jenny Malloy
and she lives at 3022 Oak Avenue, Van Nuys, California
That's right
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, she sits here and does nothing
Go to an old folks home, go to CBS
Don't boo me, I boo you, boo, boo, boo
You better watch it, us young people can vote out social security just like that
Boo, boo!
She beats me, you know
Boo, boo, bye
My God, those old people are angry
What'd they do, cancel a Rolling Stones concert or something?
Honey, the Rolling Stones aren't old, they're only 50
Oh my God
I need to talk to you
Talk to me?
You're teasing me, aren't you?
No, really, I need to talk
Oh, oh, moment, moment
Oh, is it a couch moment or a kitchen table moment?
Oh, should I make top coffee or should I make tea?
Oh, oh wait, wait, let's be spontaneous
Oh, should we be spontaneous over here or should we be spontaneous over here?
Oh no, no, let's start at the table and we'll just see where the moment takes us
Oh
What is this about, honey?
It's about boys
Oh, couch, couch moment, we gotta be on the couch
Come on, couch, okay, good, good
So, mother, there's this boy at school and no matter what I do, this boy just doesn't seem interested in me
Not interested in you?
Oh, that's too bad
Have you cried yet?
Oh God, please, honey, tell me more
I just can't seem to get his attention in the normal way, you know, by just standing there
Well, honey, you have to understand that there are some guys you just can't get
Now, believe it or not, there were several guys that would not succumb to my natural charms
Who'd have thunk it?
I know
So, how'd you get daddy to go out with you?
I saw him across the room, I gave him the big eye, he didn't respond
I'd had enough rejection by then, so I said, sure, he's not much, but I am not gonna leave this bar empty-handed
So, I flirted, I hinted, I smiled, and still he didn't respond
So, I walked over, grabbed his collar and said, you are going out with me
You know what? Even though you feel like a loser at the time, honey, it is best to go with a guy that you can't get
Because after a while, you fit together and they're so grateful
Hi, honey, do you love me?
Leave me alone
Can't you ever just leave me alone?
I'm not gonna wind up with some guy like dad
Honey, that's what every woman thinks
Well, I'm not
I'm not so desperate that I have to force a man to go out with me, especially some aloof high school punk
I don't need to think about him, I don't need to go out with him
And I especially don't need to hear his voice just one more time
Hello
Hello
Yeah, it's an up thing, it's clear and it's wonderful and it's totally fun
Hey, it's an up thing
It's an up thing
Okay, now don't get grandma too excited
She has been running on the same Duracell battery since the Ice Age
Wow, those Duracell batteries sure do last
The Copper Top, no battery is stronger, longer
Of all the eyedrops you can buy, Vizin is the only one recommended by pharmacists 4 to 1 over any other brand
Vizin's formula gives you 100% of the relief you need
Vizin, it gets the ring out
Lane Mackenzie spent her childhood in Savannah
She's returned home and fallen in love
Leaving you was a big mistake
Now she's trapped by the secrets she never knew
How about dinner tonight?
You're married
You've been hiding information
It doesn't pertain to this case
It doesn't
Why don't we have breakfast in the morning?
I think you've forgotten what a small town Savannah is
Get to know Lane Mackenzie in Aaron Spelling's Savannah this Sunday on the WB
It's a beautiful day at McDonald's as Mrs. Foley steps up, checks the sign and delivers
Big Mac extra value meal please
Nice one
Dave Garcia feels the call, dishes to Scott English
Cooks bread-groom wraps with a no-look pass to Lori Cole
Tony Fernandez scoops fries and assists on the drink
Skipper Jim Brook with an incredible move
Hands off to Garcia who turns, smiles and connects
Thanks, come again
The crowd absolutely loves this
We're Team McDonald's, proud to serve you and be the official break of the Olympic Games
He's back in a zone
I'm about to cook a low-fat feast before your very eyes
Using all-natural Pam cooking spray instead of oil or butter
With Pam, nothing comes between you and the taste of your food
No funny aftertaste to cover up the flavors
And it's the only leading spray that's 100% natural
You cut down on fat and cholesterol, not on taste
With Pam, nothing comes between you and the taste of your food
So you can't keep up with your old ma, huh?
Not with this headache
Where's your autumnal?
It's Advil now
You switched?
I like the way Advil works
On tough pain, too, Advil work better than Tylenol
Welcome to the 90s, Mom
Thanks
Advanced medicine for pain
I say Peace Corps volunteer, you think?
Have you ever thought?
Or in today's Peace Corps, people of all ages and almost every profession are working in 93 countries around the world
Ever thought of joining them?
Peace Corps, the toughest job you'll ever love
Can't stand it
He won't even look at me
Huh?
I'm just gonna ignore him
As a matter of fact, I'm going to ignore the dance entirely
I don't even want to hear about the stupid dance
The dance is gonna be great
I'm going with Bobby
His father's a cop, so we don't have to worry about driving drunk
I'm taking a girl you know from my parents
They don't know
Well, they don't
Here's me at home
Hey, take out your own garbage
I'm watching football
Whoa, check out the Hooters on that cheerleader
The Wizard of Oz was not a great film
Only very good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, save your applause for the true king
Because tonight I am going to teach the teacher a lesson in love
Ryan, the chemistry teacher gave me a note for you
Oh, a note?
Dear Ryan
I've never broken a promise in my whole life
But I'd rather die than go with you to the corner store, let alone a dance
I'm begging you, don't make me be your date, Miss O'Hara
No way, baby
You're going
You promised
See you tonight
Ryan, the love machine
Aloy
Take that back to her
Everybody has a day for this dance but me
The irony is astounding
Stop whining and using big words
Anybody will go with you
I don't want anybody, I want him
That's just what the chemistry teacher's thinking about me right now
What was that?
I gave Mrs. O'Hara the note, then she took some chemicals and a Bunsen burner into a room
And we think, since her head landed in the yard, she's dead
Say anything about me?
He's so dark and brooding just like James Dean
Who?
You know, early Dylan on 90210
He may be super cool, but I'm not begging any guy
For God's sakes, I'm not my mother
You're taking me to the dance
Yeah, maybe
I'll call you
Okay
Call me
What are you doing?
Nothing
I'm not using your name this time
Look, it's Jake Maloy
And I use little letters that I cut out of magazines
It's very sex pistols, 1977
And untraceable
It's got my address on it
How would Pamela Anderson find me without the address?
She's not exactly a genius, you know
Look, Floppy
You've been acting a little strangely lately, so I got you a little gift
Thought I might cheer you up
I hope you'll like it
Oh, Jack, it's a Pamela-like
With lifelike, sun-damaged skin
This is the happiest day of my life
Hey, Dad, what you doing?
Huh? Oh, just a little something for the bunny
Look how happy he looks
Well, I had a problem, Dad, but I'm gonna keep it to myself
And you work out your own problems first
Oh, no, no, no, son, no
That's for the bunny, it's not for me
Yeah, so long, Dad, I'll see
Go after the boy
You think he needs my help?
No, I just want to be alone
Oh, yeah
I'm in the mood for love
He must be coming
Why hasn't he called? Maybe he's not coming, maybe he's dead
Well, if he is dead, I hope he's not up there sleeping with Miss O'Hara
So, has that boy who hates you called yet?
No
Oh, that's too bad, I was really pulling for you
Oh, but honey, it's a good life lesson for you
No matter how beautiful you may be, there's always gonna be some guy you just can't get
But don't feel bad
Why don't you eat something and get fat?
Try ice cream, unlike a man, it never leaves you
Goes straight for your thighs and butt
Actually, it is just like a man
Oh, but the important thing is that you know I'm here for you
Even though your date's not
So, O'Hara, if she was gonna die, why not wait till after the dance?
She'd have a reason
It's him
You go suffer somewhere else
So, you're Mr. Biggest Duff
You wouldn't last five minutes in my school
Go play chicken with a bus
Hey, don't break a heart, because I drink and have a good
Hi
Come in
I have to admit, I was a little worried that you weren't gonna show up
Wow, you really went all out
Actually, I took them from the teacher's funeral
I wasn't invited?
If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't even be dead
God, if you robbed a grave, you must really like me
Who wouldn't? You're the most beautiful girl in school
So, why'd you pretend not to like me?
Well, I never thought I'd have a shot, so I pretended not to be interested
I knew if I could just meet you, you'd really like me
I'm just so glad it all worked out
So, you did want me all along?
You bet
Mom, come here for a sec
Tell her
I liked her all along. It was an act
Just thought that was a good life lesson for you
Some of us can get any guy we want
The day I can't, I'm gonna chemistry teacher my way out of here
Shut up
Danny, you've made me very happy
I think we're gonna be very happy together
I don't think so
I don't wanna go with you now. See, now you're no different from all the others
Yes, you're very sweet and all, and I'm sure if I gave you half a chance, I'd like you very much
What would be the fun of that now, huh?
Oh, wait. I don't like you
Too late. See you in history
I'm really not interested in you
Oh, that's cute
Run along
God, what a relief. I almost ended up at the dance with a total doof
I do hate to hurt such a nice guy
But I'm sure if I think about it long enough, I can turn it around so that he's the bad guy
Yes. Yes, I did lead him on, but only because he was deceitful
There. I've already done it
Hey, big brother
A guy like you really deserves a great date
How would you like to take the most beautiful girl in school to the dance?
I'd settle for one with a head
Wipe your tears and take me to the dance
Hey, do you think the health teacher will be there because she was kind of giving me the eye during the VD talk
Huh? Maybe she wants you to play the cold sore in the school play
You're the perfect choice
Jack!
Honey, I think it's time for us to exchange our valentines
Here's yours. Where's my card? Where's my card?
Ooh, it's in the sack, isn't it? I know you got me something
Uh, it's a rubber patch kit
Jack Malloy, you didn't even get me a card
Oh, I know. You're teasing me. It's in your pocket
Oh, here it is. Here it is
Oh, Jack, you made it yourself. It's beautiful
Oh, it must have taken you a long time to cut all these letters out just like a psycho
To my dear Pamela Anderson
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I know where you live. I'm coming after you
Oh, Jack
Jack, you think I look like Pamela Anderson?
Yeah, sure. Of course I do. You know, when she was younger
Honey, you look like David Hasselhoff
Fresh goes better with mantas, freshness
Fresh goes better with mantas, fresh and fall in line
Mantos, the fresh maker
You want dazzling whiter teeth? You want Aqua Fresh Whitening
Sounds good. But how safe is it?
It's every day safe and no peroxide, bleach or harsh abrasives
What's in this anyway? It's a real breakthrough
The patented TriClean formula safely breaks up stains to help get your teeth their whitest
Oh, yeah? How does this stack up to my toothpaste?
Aqua Fresh Whitening with fluoride is clinically proven to whiten better than crests
Even Rembrandt can't beat it
Now that's whitening
Aqua Fresh Whitening, safe to use every day for dazzling whiter teeth
Tom, can I make a suggestion?
You're fired!
Welcome to eternity
Rivers flow low
Heaven
Yes
Now, wait a minute
Where am I?
Gut milk
Claritin
It's time, it's time
Don't wait another minute for Claritin
Claritin, I'll ask my doctor
It's time to see your doctor
Mr. Wilkin, the doctor will see you now
At last, a clear day is here
I want to know more about Claritin
The doctor will see you
Yes, ask your doctor for a trial of Claritin
For free information and a $5 coupon toward a prescription for Claritin, call 1-800-Claritin
Sunday, Paky and the Brain accept a challenge
I will travel around the world in 79 days
But can they break the language barrier?
Canard, canard
Canard, doesn't that mean duck?
Oui, oui
Then, when Simon strikes it rich
Hey, we're millionaires, huh?
We're like the Beverly Hempelbillies
He goes shopping
You bought a hockey team?
And chips
But is he skating on thin ice?
Alright, go home!
Simon, right after Pinky and the Brain, Sunday
Well, your first news of the night is next
Dazzling diamonds, but don't get jipped by this gem
What you should know before you buy
And if flowers were not part of your Valentine's Day
Join the club, living and loving the single life
Unlucky at love, try your luck at the lottery
WGN News is next
Dear Mr. Floppy, I'm a representative from Cool G Records
And we're wondering if you would like to record a rap single for us
You jivin' bunny, freshly yours, Hank Steinberg
Dear Hank, this could be your next hit
You wonder why the bunny wears a frown, it's because the man be keepin' us down
Kill all the humans, pass their heads through the door
I'll accept Drew Barrymore
Peace!
Yo, yo, yo, what up, dawg?
This is WGN Chicago