["Pomp and Circumstance"]
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Good evening.
I'm Steve Feisard.
As you know, the International Olympic Committee is meeting in Tokyo.
Even as we speak.
To decide which city will host the 1996 Olympic Games.
Tonight's show is her own contribution to this solemn process.
We know where we want the Games to be.
And it's not Baghdad.
I don't need to spell it out.
The ideal Olympic host city starts with an M and ends with an E.
And it rhymes with...
There isn't actually anything it rhymes with.
That's just one of the many things that make this city unique.
I don't want to influence anyone's judgement.
But this show tonight is being beamed especially to the IOC delegates in Tokyo.
Gentlemen, remember.
The hopes, dreams, aspirations of a city.
And through that city, a nation rests in your hands.
So, Seigneur Juan Antonio Samanach.
And your 86 colleagues.
Guys, this one's for you.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
I think you didn't have to do that.
And because tonight's show is being live to the IOC delegates in Tokyo.
Thank you.
It was part of the final coup de grâce for the Olympic bid de Melbourne.
I would like to welcome our foreign guests and point out that while we would
desperately like Australia to win, we are good sports.
We wish our competitors every success in their respective bids.
I don't know.
In speaking to your delegates, I think it would be simple for me to simply say,
let Victoria's record speak for itself, I think.
The tricontinental disaster.
The pyramid crash.
The National Safety Council fiasco.
The failure of our transport system.
The forced sale of our own state bank.
Second to none.
Thank you.
Melbourne has had the games once before.
As a matter of fact, Jack Degencamp, the world's oldest cameraman,
worked on them last time round.
Jack was around when they started the modern Olympics.
Jack was around when they started the old Olympics.
How are you, Jack?
I'm well, Steve.
And you're putting in the bid for Melbourne, Jacko?
I remember the last one very well, so this one's going to be just as successful.
You heard it from Jack Degencamp, the world's oldest cameraman.
Jack Degencamp, we salute you.
I'd also like to remind, look at him, he's falling asleep on the camera.
I'd like to remind the ISC delegates what a huge weekend of sport we had here in Australia on the weekend.
Yesterday, Wayne Gardner was named winner of the Grand Prix.
Yes.
Winner of the Grand Prix.
And of course, in the Brisbane court today, Christopher Skace was called something very similar.
Thank you.
And Channel 10, I think we should actually start a telethon for Channel 10.
What do you reckon? A telethon for Channel 10?
Yes.
No, we won't, we won't. We might have to start one for ourselves.
The good news for Channel 10 is that Bob Shanks is now with Channel 9.
So there is every prospect we'll soon be seeing 60 minutes in slime.
Ah, dear.
And Steve Coster, of course, of Channel 10, was debating his options this morning,
like whether to get out of bed or not.
Thank you for your support on that.
I would also like to thank, too, Paul, I could do without that, really.
I really could do without that support.
Would you make welcome Count Paul Grabowski and...
And would you make welcome the world's most Catholic four manager, Mr. Peter O'Connor.
Thank you.
And I would also like to personally, from the bottom of my heart,
thank Agro and Marty Monster for hosting on Friday.
They used my dressing room, and I've got to say, those guys can really party.
And if anyone knows how to get KY Jelly out of a bath mat, if they could...
We have got guests coming out of our Olympic rings tonight.
A movie that has picked up all sorts of awards, including eight.
At the Venice Film Festival on the weekend, the film is an angel at my table.
We have the star with us tonight, Kerry Fox.
We tickle our mirth muscles direct from the United States,
the amazing Jonathan.
Plus, the moment you've been waiting for, we're going to reveal
more of our TV week tonight live Place the Face competition.
Pretty excited about that, little baby.
And Tommy Emmanuel's going to take his chances with a dramatic slip
by the Counts Amongst Counts, Paul Grabowski.
Plus, we're going to read some viewer faxes.
And Lorraine Krap.
Never hit the fan.
We could rattle like this for hours, we shan't.
It's now time to introduce the newsreader with the very mostest charm,
my very good friend, I speak of course...
You ready to go, Jan?
My very good friend, Miss Jennifer Kight.
How are you, Jan?
I'm fine, how are you, Steve?
What did you get up to on the weekend?
I had a very relaxing weekend, watched a couple of videos
with a girlfriend, The Bear.
What about the videos?
The Bear. Have you seen The Bear?
Have you seen The Bear?
Yeah, one of the great porn movies of all time.
It's a lovely Canadian film.
I got up to the part where the...
I got up to the opening credits, actually.
The Mother Bear got crushed by the rock.
That's right, yes. Have you seen The Bear?
Has anyone seen The Bear?
Yes, lovely film, lovely film.
What was the second video?
What did I watch, Houseboat?
Yeah, that was a great one.
I got up to the part where the captain got crushed by the rock.
So how was your weekend?
It was huge.
It was huge?
Fantastic weekend.
I went out with a few friends and stuff.
It was a bit tragic, actually.
One of them got crushed by this rock.
Have you got any headlines for us, please, Jan?
Yes, we have, Steve. Hello, everyone.
In the news tonight, startling news about a plot to kill the Prime Minister.
We have a tape recording of an ASIO informant
describing a plot in which a black South African would kill Mr. Hawke
and the blame would be put on protesting Aborigines
at the Australia Day ceremony in 1988.
A bomb was to have been thrown among the Aborigines
to cover the assassins' tracks.
But that wasn't really going to kill the Prime Minister.
That was going to provide a public explanation
as to how the Prime Minister was killed.
We believe firmly that one of his bodyguards was going to kill him.
And we'll have full details of that story in our main bulletin.
In other news tonight, Bob Hawke is in Tokyo
drumming up last-minute support for our Olympic bid.
Christopher Skace in Brisbane making a last-minute appearance in court.
Strong words from President Bush for Iraq.
He gets even stronger words in return.
I'll be back with these stories and lots more in the news later in the show.
Thank you very much, Jan. That was incredible.
Is that an exclusive about the plot to kill...?
I believe so. Yeah, our reporter came across it tonight
and we had it in the news at 6 o'clock.
That tape is extraordinary. Sounds a lot like Paul Keating's voice, actually.
The...
We, of course, with the IOC delegates watching and everything,
I think it would be fair to say our audience,
the audience represented by the select people that we've handpicked tonight,
are patriotically in favour of the Melbourne Olympics.
Thank you.
But let them not merely speak.
Thank... That'll do.
Let... Let not them simply speak.
Let them not simply speak.
Or whatever you'd like to put into English.
Let them not speak simply on behalf of Australia.
Let the youth of Australia speak on behalf of the Olympic bid.
And where does the youth of Australia pick for the 1996 Olympics?
Please.
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Thank you.
I'd like to officially again welcome the IOC delegates
who are watching this as we beam live to Tokyo.
Thank you.
Watching, is that incredible?
Watching tonight live there in Tokyo, phenomenal.
And for them, let's just have a human,
can we do a human wave as we speak?
Let's just, for the delegates in Tokyo,
human wave through the audience.
Ready, steady, go.
We just hold it down, guys.
Just hold it.
That should really put the seal on the 1996 Olympics.
Oh, incidentally, we had a fantastic reaction
to our show at Great Keppel the next morning.
The next morning they had over 700 bookings for Great Keppel.
That isn't cancelled.
And 700 new bookings for Great Keppel the very next day,
which is a matter of, and I'm looking for a freebie out of this whole thing.
And the tonight live writers went in,
what did they go in?
It was a sort of writer's sports with international writers,
and they came second by one half of one point.
Beaten only by the team of international writers.
Was that the team of international writers?
Human wave, please.
The top seven...
All right.
The top seven reasons why Melbourne should get the Olympic Games.
Number seven...
It'll end unemployment by getting 250,000 people to sell souvenir key rings.
Number six, there'll be no problems with climate.
Everyone competing will experience their native weather conditions
at least once a day.
Thank you, Mr. Samoranch.
Number five, there's a great all-weather running track in Melbourne.
It's called the Yarra.
Number four, you can't get a huge international crowd
to watch a building society collapse.
Collapse.
The third top reason why Melbourne should get the Olympic Games.
Let's put one in here.
Everybody with five coloured rings lying around the house
will have a field day.
Number two, because Melbourne has one of the most comprehensive
massage parlour circuits in the world.
And the number one reason why Melbourne should get the Olympic Games, please.
Mrs. Iris Stapleton of Clayton has a spare room
she's been trying to let out for months.
To see how the IOC delegates are reacting to that.
And I think the IOC delegates, look at them, yes,
absolutely loving what's happening at the moment.
Thank you, Mr. Samoranch.
Last weekend was notable for two sets of awards.
Australia got first and second in the Grand Prix,
and a movie by the name of An Angel at My Table
received eight awards at the Venice Film Festival.
I'm delighted to say we have the star of that movie, Kerry Fox.
Please welcome Kerry Fox.
Firstly, Melbourne for the Olympics.
Are you hopeful that Melbourne picks up the Olympics?
Absolutely, of course, because I've seen everything.
Thank you, Mr. Samoranch, another vote.
A human wave, please, the human wave.
Now Kerry, last weekend An Angel at My Table, your film,
cleaned up eight awards at the Venice Film Festival.
It had previously been voted best film at the 1990 Sydney Film Festival.
What does this do for your career, thus do for your career?
So far, not a lot, but hopefully something will happen.
Will it do anything? Will you get more roles?
Do people offer you more jobs as a result of things like this?
Well, you hope so. It's opened doors, it's made things more available.
Now the film is based on Janet Frame's autobiographies.
You actually met Janet Frame.
Tell us about Janet Frame, because I don't think a lot of people know about Janet.
Janet Frame is considered to be one of New Zealand's greatest living writers,
and she lives a very reclusive life, and her books stun people who read them
and excite people, and they obviously excited Jane Campion.
Now on the screen there we have you. You played Janet Frame, the adult Janet Frame,
and there were two other actresses who played her at various stages of her life.
Who are they? They're on the screen now.
Well, the little ones, Alexia Keough, and the bigger ones, Karen Ferguson.
They were called Bubbie Janet, Middle Janet, and I was called Big Janet.
Why was that? Because one was a Bubbie, one was a little, and one was big.
And I was considered big.
Speaking of big, you actually put weight on to do the film, didn't you?
Yeah, about a stone and a half. I was just given in one of the New Zealand film magazines
the Robert De Niro prize for weight gain. It was really impressive.
Because he put it on for what film? Raging Bull. He put weight on.
And you put on a stone and a half. How did you do that? Were you eating?
A bowl cup from the health food shop. Lots of alcohol, lots of beer, lots of Coca-Cola and chocolate.
You want to join our crew?
Now the film itself, if you could briefly describe the film.
It's about, based on Janet's autobiographies, which tell her life story up until the time she was in her late 30s.
And she had a very hard life, and she wanted from a very early age to be a writer.
She was a very shy person, and she went to training college and suffered perhaps a nervous breakdown there.
And as a result ended up in the mental institute and for eight years received over 200 electric shock treatments
and was diagnosed as schizophrenic.
One of her books, just before she got a locotomy, she was released from hospital because one of her books won a prize.
And from there on, she went on a travel grant to England and wrote there and became what she is today,
one of New Zealand's greatest living writers.
We've got an excerpt. Let's just have a look at this.
I had a little dog and his name was Spot.
There, we're going again.
Clearly brilliant stuff, isn't it?
Very.
Did it drain you doing that role?
Yeah, it was scary.
Like that day, that scene, I had a wee freak out
and Jane was on one side of the room
and I was on the other.
Jane Campion.
And I didn't realise that I was standing in front of a window
when I got really scared by it all
and they said action and I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing
so I dived for cover on the ground.
I always hit the floor when I got scared
and Jane came running out and she said,
I thought I saw a little red mop hit the floor
and I said, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
But it was quite frightening.
How did you unwind at the end of the day?
I mean, being a schizophrenic, how did you unwind at the end of the day?
I went home to my flat and just sort of went...
I have a little dog in my neighbour's spot.
For ten minutes and grunted at my flatmates
and then went to bed.
That was it.
Kerry, we're going to take...
Well, actually, we've got something important to do for the IOC.
Would you stick around for a while?
Would you thank Kerry Fox?
Kerry, no Olympic did, of course, is complete without a mascot
and the mascot for the 1996 Melbourne Olympic did
is something kind of special.
I think you're going to enjoy meeting IOC delegates.
Our mascot, Barry the Blowfly.
Hello, boys and girls and Olympic delegates.
I'm Barry the Blowfly, Melbourne's Olympic bid mascot.
Bzzz...
On the wings of a blowfly, Melbourne's Olympic bid will speed
and fly all the way to Tokyo, and there it will breathe
like a tiny little maggot that grows and metamorphosises
Melbourne's Olympic bid will be full of surprises.
Barry the Blowfly.
So, so, so if Melbourne gets the Olympics,
we'll clean up the stench.
That's the Spirit One Antonio Summer Ranch.
Barry the Blowfly.
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It takes a muggle to do something like that to Wes.
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Could they have captured the wrong man?
Don't say another word until I get you down the station
and reach you right, all right?
What about our space rights?
Will she ever get over the trauma?
A country practice tomorrow on Prime.
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Welcome back, I'm with Kerry Fox,
direct from the comedy club where he opens tomorrow night.
Please welcome the amazing Jonathan.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you. Jonathan.
Thanks.
Jonathan, you've only been back in Australia a couple of days.
A couple of days, yeah, but I've been in the Gold Coast,
so I have no jet lag.
Now, why do people call you the Norman Bates of comedy?
Well, it's the little things like this.
Yeah!
Ahh!
Do you ever think...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Jump for it! Jump for it!
Jump for it!
I love kids. They're great. Kids are great.
Do you ever think you go too far?
No, no, no, no.
Well, if I do, I get punched. It's a good indication.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's in the bag? I mean, you've got a bag out here.
I don't want to push the bag.
Before I get started, does somebody have a Bic lighter in the audience?
Anybody at all have a Bic lighter?
Yeah? Toss it up here.
Thanks, great.
Just about fills that up, Steve.
Thank you.
Jonathan, you did start out as a street performer.
Yes, I used to do all kinds of stuff in San Francisco on the street.
With Harry Anderson, actually, from Night Court.
Yeah? The guy that plays the judge.
Used to be the guy that...
Well, he stole my spot, actually.
On the street? Yeah, he set up his table.
He took my table down when I was getting a sandwich.
And he had all his stuff set up.
And...
You got a guy in a yellow shirt.
Do you have a handkerchief?
Just do this.
All right.
It's bugging me. I'm sorry. I'm trying to concentrate.
The thing's swinging.
Wipe it off!
Okay, good.
Sorry, Harry Anderson.
Well, he had set all his stuff up.
And when I came back, my table was gone.
And he said, just let me do one show.
And then you're going to have your spot back.
We had about 500 people.
He started five minutes later.
He had 500 people standing there.
And I just said, go take it. It's yours.
He was the king out there. He was the best there was.
So you're on the street.
What do you do to get people's attention?
Anything you can.
There's stuff like...
The drill used to always work. This is the drill.
This is a good one.
This used to work to get the little kids to love this.
If you want the little kids to stop and watch,
you produce the pretty bird, right?
He bit me.
I'd just like to remind people,
in fact...
It was a real bird.
Why was it a stunt bird?
It was a stunt bird.
What was the first trick you ever learned?
The very first trick.
Give me a $5 bell, Steve.
Hey, have we done this yet?
Have we done this?
You want me to give you a $5 bill?
We'll do it now.
Let me have a $5 bill.
This is a great trick.
You can try this at parties.
You got five bucks?
This is so cool. Watch this, Steve.
It's only Australian money.
Now watch this.
This is so cool.
By the way, this is a clip from my last movie.
Watch very carefully, Steve.
We're going to place the pieces underneath
the magic hanky
and automatically restore them back.
Shut up if you know how this is done.
Into one solid piece, Steve.
Shut up!
Have you done this before?
No, this is great. This is the first time.
Sometimes magic sounds like tape.
All right, starting to work now, Steve.
You could be helping me here.
The trick's over here.
As you can see, Steve.
You can take that to any bank
and they'll tell you what you can do with it.
A trick like that, obviously,
100% successful, but tricks that don't work.
Are there any tricks of yours that don't work?
Yeah, there is.
There's a couple, but they're okay now.
They recover very quickly.
This is one. You want to learn one?
Yeah.
This is cool. You've got to stand up for this one, Steve.
Put your hand on the desk.
Put your hands like this.
Take your right hand away.
With the other hand, push your hand this way.
Can you go any farther?
I can. Look, look, look.
All the way around.
My arm stretches longer than the other one.
That's good.
That deserves a round of applause.
Jonathan, the most embarrassing
performance ever.
Let's see.
I used to play strip clubs in Alaska.
They're just normal.
Yeah, these are great because
these guys just came down off the pipeline.
They're really rough to begin with.
The emcee would come out and yell,
do you want to see Naked Women?
Everyone would yell, we want to see Naked Women.
But first, here's a magician.
Here's a magician.
Hi.
What sort of tricks do you do?
Get off! Get off!
I bomb bad.
What was the routine running? 10, 20 seconds?
It was like, do a joke, duck a bottle.
Do a joke, duck a bottle.
It was fun.
The bag here, Jonathan, if you were to give us
of the remainder of the bag, what would you pick?
I don't know, Steve.
Some of the stuff I can't do because
it's not cable TV.
Do it anyway.
Do it anyway?
What can happen?
Have you heard this tape? This is a great tape.
I just spit right on you.
I had to do it!
That feels, no, no,
for a comedian that feels like,
I'm sorry, it feels like heroin to a comedian.
Not that I've ever done heroin.
100 percent.
We, Jonathan, the Olympic bid coming up
and all, and of course you were there.
You'll get it. You'll get it.
Oh yeah, look at me, Steve, I was in it.
We had 400, 100,
300.
That would be the 900 altogether.
Of course, Australia's putting in the big bid here
and of course, I think more important than anyone,
the youth of Australia,
and of course Australia being multicultural,
the youth of Australia makes a presentation.
The Olympic,
the Olympic rings by the youth of Australia.
This could become the ultimate shotgun wedding
unless Father Dowling can prove
that a priest is really a hired mafia hitman.
Sunday, 7.30 on Prime.
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Next in your wave
I'm with Kerry Fox who's been up for nearly 24 hours
Kerry come out from New Zealand
he is really tired
and the amazing Jonathan who is staying
I've managed to get my hands on his room
No
Club One
Room 411 that's where the action is
we're lucky enough to have
Australia's finest guitarist with us tonight
performing with the Groupmatics guitar Boogie
the Boogie Woogie from his new album
Dare To Be Different
please welcome Tommy Emmanuel
Thank you
What's happening in the metropolitan areas and overseas?
So how do you know?
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The answer is simple
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Kakadu
Fraser Island
Give you a drive
Yeah, wouldn't mind
Oil dripping from your car's engine
is unsightly and dangerous
To help stop it, add Wins Engine Stop Leak
That messy problem could soon become
expensive
So if you see the leak, seal it
with Wins Engine Stop Leak
When it's wins, it works
When the job needs doing right
the first step is to visit BK Oliver Hardware
in Burrell, stockists of an excellent
range of building materials and hardware
There's everything for the professional
and the weekend do-it-yourself enthusiast
plus BK Oliver Hardware
are your local distributors of Lysart Building Industries
Lysart Building Industries need a screen fencing
and Lysart roofing and customer board trim deck
So for Lysart products,
building materials and friendly service
from a team that cares, BK Oliver
the big place in Oliver Street in Burrell
have got it all
Disney star Annette Funicello
gets a once in a lifetime chance
at fame and fortune
I'm a raspberry
Annette's going to need lots of luck
in a chaotic comedy premiere 6.30 on Prime
$15,000
$13,000
I am here with the amazing Jonathan and Kerry Fox
and the Australian Flags tonight
which we are waving in favour
of the
Thank you
I recall from Evin Evans, the Australian Flag
one of the Australian Flag manufacturers
and I'd like to thank the first North jingle
for making an incredible impression
and in fact we have a message
for the IOC committee, we'd like to give them
a message comprising people from the audience
if the message spelled out, a human message
spelled out by the thousands of people here tonight
if we could spell it out for the IOC committee
thank you very much, the message
the message
and of course the other side of the message please
is
message
it's time once again for the
TV week tonight live place the face
competition, last week we showed you glimpses
of the picture of a well known female
personality, this week it's
a male personality
here is your clue
the winner will be
flown to Sydney to attend the
Sprite TV celebrity dance party
now all you have to do is fill out
the coupon on the back of this week's edition of
TV week and send it to
TV week tonight live
place the face
competition, post office box 3076
Darlinghurst
2010
now in the unlikely event
that you wonderful bunch of people on the
International Olympic Committee need reminding what a wonderful
place this glorious city of Melbourne is
we've prepared our own high tech presentation
just to sum up all the
qualities that make Melbourne the
finest Olympic city
in the known universe
after you see this I know you'll love Melbourne
as much as we do
marvellous Melbourne
what has this glorious city to offer
as an Olympic venue
first and foremost
Melbourne is famous for its
trams
and it also has the finest
public transport system in the world
not to mention Melbourne's
nightlife
and watch the records fall on this
precision timepiece
catering for our international visitors
is well taken care of
of course there's the Yarra
River, home to the yachting and
equestrian events
and this an international
velodrome but pump up your
tyres boys our tracks are
top
the venue for the track and field events
and the space age
gymnastics centre
so marvellous Melbourne
thank you for being you
come on down Olympians we're
ready
we'll be back with more
off of this stick around this is live
applause
music
hepatitis B, twice as contagious as AIDS
now from the ancient Egyptians comes a cure
between 200 and 250
stings
some people lose weight more easily than others
one of life's puzzles could be solved
we can predict that an animal will become
lean or will become fat
plus a non-alcoholic wine that tastes
the same as the real thing and a machine
that makes fast food faster
the age of the Jetsons is about to come
to pizza making
beyond 2000, Tuesday on Prime
and you
the fabulous hit of Kenny Rogers
together for the very first
time with Dolly Parton
18 of their greatest hits
Lucille
and Dolly's 9 to 5
the very best of Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton
their 18 greatest hits from concept
music
station wagon $23,777