MUSIC PLAYS
Ta-da!
LAUGHTER
RUMBLING
LAUGHTER
I've just found out my local librarians died today.
So I'd like to start the show with two minutes' noise.
LAUGHTER
Do you remember when you were a kid,
if you got a balloon like this and rubbed it on your ear
and put it against a wall, it'd stick to it.
And they call that static leap!
LAUGHTER
I don't care, just come home now
and have some of the meal I lovingly prepared for you three hours ago
and we'll go to bed!
Bed?! Bed's for sleepy people!
Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!
LAUGHTER
Who are you supposed to be, Ted?
Er, not Toilet Duck again.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Father!
Now, look here. Mandy.
Oh! Thanks very much, they're lovely.
Stupid proxy thing probably doesn't work anyway.
The main quesette here is positively bristling with activity.
There's so much fun to be had.
Mr Sheen, Charlie!
Mick, Mick, Mick! Delia, Delia!
Claudia, who's your favourite Spice Girl?
Robbie, can I have a picture of you?
LAUGHTER
MUSIC
I'm trying to locate a Cynthia Pearley.
Who's a scaffolder?
That's hard work, isn't it?
Can't believe that.
Yes, of course. She thought I'd been seeing a blind.
She can't be the one.
Don't break my heart, darling.
There's things she knows nothing about.
Someone tell me what's going on!
Do you want to come up for a coffee?
I don't want to drink coffee.
I haven't got any.
MUSIC
CHEERING
21 years I've been going to Arsenal.
21 years.
I'm going next week to a football match.
CHEERING
What are those?
Ryan Nickers-Hughes ending up with a yob.
Let's go and get hammered.
Goal!
You're careful and organised and all that sort of thing.
I need somebody like that.
And you need somebody like me.
The opposite.
MUSIC
CHEERING
MUSIC
Wow!
MUSIC
BARB Mein
I love about going out with you, Gary.
It's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment.
Dorothy's usual, please, Liz.
Refreshed my memory.
Vodka in a chip glass with a dribble of flat tonic
and an aftertaste of cigarette ash.
Yeah, I remember now.
I've had some bad news.
Had a postcard from Dermot.
He's not coming back.
I've fallen in love with a croupier called Letizia.
I'm going around the world on her Yamaha.
Isn't that an organ?
No, it's a motorbike.
Sent my Polynesian love balls
and other important items to my mum.
Sell everything else, my saucepans, et cetera,
to cover what I owe you.
Thanks.
Generous of him?
Yeah, well, it would be if his possessions
weren't worth precisely £16.47.
What does he owe you?
862 quid.
Weather lovely.
Rimini has a body shop.
Oh.
Oh, Donkey.
Having sex with another donkey.
Why doesn't anybody offer to take me round the world?
Cos they know they'd have a crap time.
I've been writing an ad for the newspaper.
Let's have a look.
No, you'll only use it.
No, you'll only use it as an excuse for a cheap lard.
I will not!
You always do.
Yeah, looks fine.
You don't think Jacuzzi's pushing it a bit, do you?
Why?
You haven't got one.
No, but if you wouldge the shower attachment in it
when you're in the bath, it's just like it, honestly.
Don't you think you should put bath with shower attachment
you can wouldge round a bit?
Too many words.
Yeah.
I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath.
Les, are you going to say what I think you're going to say?
Hmm?
Yeah.
You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person.
No.
Marjorie and I had talked about taking lodgers in,
but she was scared there'd be congestion on the stairs.
God, yeah, scary.
So we thought about letting out the room downstairs,
next to our living room.
Isn't that your kitchen, George?
Yes.
I think that's why we decided against it in the end.
Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates.
Oh, ask me one.
Oh, all right.
Are you working at the moment?
That's a tricky one, isn't it?
Try another one.
Are you very likely to bring a lot of young women into my home?
Quite likely, or not very likely at all?
Sorry, another tricky one.
What is the capital of Tanzania?
Dar es Salaam.
Who is it?
Is that relevant?
Of course it is, George.
Hopefully we're going to be having stimulating chats.
I don't want Mr Stupid cluttering up my sofa.
Anthea, is this display of petulance going to last?
I'm just asking for a decent pay rise.
It's the same for me.
But I earn a pittance.
I think you'll find it's the industry standard pittance.
Well, it isn't fair.
It isn't a fair world, Anthea.
I'd be happy to be happy with my 17-year-old niece, wouldn't I?
Well, I'm sorry, but I've started to work to rule.
Have you let this one go out, Anthea?
I simply put down what was on the dictaphone.
So you've sent out a letter to a major client that ends,
give the slimy get-the-usual fom off,
urgh, yours with the deepest contempt, blah, blah,
George, do you have to poke around in your ears while I'm dictating?
You're dead meat, Anthea.
And, um, are you working at the moment?
Yeah.
Bit of this, bit of that.
Bit of the other.
Well, it looks all right to me. Where's your toilet?
There isn't one.
When I got the phone call, I said,
no, where am I paying any of this?
I don't even know anyone in Canada.
I probably ring my homeopath once a week, that's all.
And I knew they were drinking my milk
because I put a baro mark on the inside of the carton.
And it was always me who ended up buying the toilet rolls,
even though I use less than anyone else,
because, well, I'll tell you all about that when I'm moving, OK?
So I grind my teeth. I mean, so what?
It just means I'm a little bit wound up.
Don't you get wound up sometimes?
I never actually hurt anyone, even if I do fly off the handle
when people mention certain things.
I mean, I think I'm completely reasonable.
Don't you think I'm reasonable? I think I'm reasonable.
Anyway, coat handlers, have you got any?
Because I could bring my own, but I'm a bit superstitious about wardrobes.
I mean, that's absolutely no problem.
OK, never mind. We'll try another one.
What's the capital of Tanzania?
Just nod if you can hear me.
I'll leave it there. I've been talking to a wife at the top of the road.
She said you've got a room available, accommodation-like, you know.
So I thought I'd pop to you and have a look.
Erm, you're Gary, yeah? Yeah, yeah, and you, yeah.
It's a nice street, like, sort of, it's our eight-week year.
I'll come in and have a look around.
I'm sorry, I'm looking for somebody with English as their first language.
Thank you.
No, I can't think of any irritating habits offhand.
You don't, like, clean between your toes with a sofa cushion or anything?
No, we do something like that.
Well, Dermot, actually, my last flatmate, he did that.
I shared with someone who used to dry his underwear out in the microwave.
Dermot just used to wait till he had enough stains and then brush them off.
Well, we seem to get on pretty well. Do you have a girlfriend?
Er, yes. I don't have one at the moment.
I was wondering, would you let her watch while I stroked my nipples?
So how many people have you seen?
Three social inadequates, three psychopaths, a man with a big dog and my mother.
And the eight people who turned you down?
I don't want a psychopath living downstairs.
I quite like the psychopaths, my mother who scared me.
Look, if you really want to find someone, try and be more charming.
I've been charming. I've shown them everything in the flat.
Yes, and don't ever knock on my door again at midnight with a man in a tank top
or refer to me as a feature.
He couldn't come any earlier. He'd been out Morris dancing.
Er, is this the flat with the room to that?
Yes, who are you?
Tony.
Tony? You should have come last week.
Yeah, I lost a bit of paper with the address on it.
Oh, well, come on in.
I don't know what happened, you know. I thought I must have slipped down into the lining of my jacket
because I could sort of feel a bit of paper in there, you know.
Hi.
How did it work?
I tried to work it out through me lining out of an armhole and that didn't work,
so I ended up undoing a lot of the seams with a pair of blunt scissors which took, well, ages
and, well, there it was.
What?
An old bus ticket.
I found the address down the back of the sofa. Shall I come in again?
This is Tony.
Aye.
This is Deborah. She lives in the flat upstairs, but I'm working on it.
That's just me being funny.
And this is Dorothy, my sort of girlfriend.
Thanks, Gary.
Have a seat.
What do you do, Tony?
I'm in the music business.
Do you know Barry White?
No.
Anyway, this is the procedure we'll be following.
I'll start by introducing you to the key fixtures and facilities
and then I'll be offering you the beverage of your choice
while asking you a series of simple questions.
Get on with it, Gary.
Well, as you can see, this is the living room with its useful U-shaped seating amenity
and up here is the extensive glassware facility.
Bit of an heirloom there, Tony, so no touchy touchy.
Now, these are handy units, aren't they?
Nice pots.
Yes, yes, yes. Plenty of potware useful for cooking and so on.
The cutlery goes in here and the drawer for cutlery.
There's the mantelpiece. Yes, that's useful for mantelware.
Yeah, I think it could be at home here.
Oh, moving on, into the bathroom.
I'll show you how to work the jacuzzi later.
Well, he seems very nice.
I don't know, he's not as ideal as Dermot, is he?
You said Dermot was about as much fun to live with as nose hair.
People aren't exactly pleading to move in, are they?
Maybe I should re-advertise in the Times.
Oh, I see, that's the problem.
He's not professional enough for you.
I'm just concerned that we should be able to communicate at a sophisticated level.
What, like your conversations with Dermot, you mean?
Two hours on where the small pointy breasts are better than large, roundy breasts.
Exactly.
It's pure snobbery, just because he sells records.
It isn't out of just as many doubts if he owned his own record company.
Well, maybe he does. He left a card. Tony's Smart Records Limited.
Oh, well, I'm sure he'll fit in very nicely.
I'm sorry, I forgot my bag.
I'm glad you came back, Tony. Welcome aboard.
Oh, cheers.
Well, I'll turn up tomorrow, shall I? About eight-ish.
Don't you have to give any notice?
Yeah, you're right. I'd better make it nearer nine.
I'm sorry about all the questions earlier, you know. You can't be too careful these days.
Oh, that's all right. You've got to check I'm not weird or anything, haven't you?
It seems heavy. What have you got in here?
Oh, it's a mate of mine who owns a butcher's, and he had this pig's head left over.
Yeah!
Says the eyes explode if you do it in a microwave.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, really, grow up, Dermot.
Oh, I'll be one at last we meet.
Nice action.
I'd stay and show you how everything works, only I'm a bit late for work, aren't I, Lee?
That's all right. I'll find my way about.
I've been going through Dermot's stuff. Have a look, see if there's anything you like.
I know he'd want his condom gift set to go to a good home.
Oh, thanks. So, what was he like then?
Oh, he was all right. We got on pretty well.
Actually, Tony, to be perfectly honest, between you and me,
I found him a little bit hard to take seriously sometimes.
Yes. Right, see you later.
Get up, you crazy bastard!
Will the force be with you?
Having a great time, in spite of riding the Yamaha into a yacht.
Yuck.
Istanbul has a WH Smith, love Dermot and Letitia.
PS, I left some spaghetti in my room. You might as well throw it away.
U-shaped seating amenity.
No touchy touchy.
Oh, you've arrived then.
Yeah. Come in.
Not interrupting anything, am I?
No, I was just smashing a load of glasses.
Coffee.
Oh, thanks.
So, where's the kettle?
Well, they always used to use the hot tap.
So, how long have you guys known each other?
Oh, since I moved in a couple of months ago. He's been very kind.
Yeah, he seems very...
Well, not exactly kind, more irritating.
But he did help me out though, when my boyfriend got a bit violent.
Oh, well that is kind.
You let my boyfriend headbutt him.
So, what happened to your boyfriend?
Well, he got a bit of a bruise up here and...
No, I mean, are you still together?
Oh, no. What about you?
Oh, I'm hopeless. I mean, I meet a girl, it seems to be going well, and then it just all goes wrong.
Do you know why?
I think I'm shy.
I suppose I just need a woman to take me and show me the ropes.
I shouldn't worry.
Women are supposed to be attracted to vulnerable men.
Do you really think so?
K, K, K. George, where's the K?
I don't know. I've been tried looking in the manual.
Well, there's got to be one here somewhere. I've seen Anteer using it.
Oh, it's got a C. I'll use that.
You're sure Dermot shouldn't have these back?
Those possibly, yes.
Modern clothes are very snug around the groin, aren't they?
Mmm.
When I was a young man, I could get a side of beef down my trousers.
Not that I tried, of course. Well, only the once.
Maybe a jumper would be more you, George.
No, no. I'm starting to get used to these.
You've taken a while on that letter, haven't you?
Just being thorough, George.
It's a pretty pathetic boss who can't do a little bit of typing every now and again, isn't it?
Isn't it time you've patched up this dispute with Anteer?
No. Not until she starts to work properly.
The sooner she stops acting childishly, the sooner I put the wheels back on her typing chair.
But we've always worked so well together.
Listen, George, I've offered her a modest but fair pay increase. And what does she do?
She deliberately spends three hours typing a short memo.
It's quicker than you.
I know it's quicker than me, but that's not the point, is it?
I think you made matters worse by taking the bulb out of her ankle, boys, and confiscating her biscuits.
Merely sticking to CBI guidelines, George.
Right. Let's get this over with.
Anteer, can you spare a moment? We need to sort this out.
Now, there comes a time in industrial relations when a little compromise is needed.
Yes.
Well, Anteer, I've tried to compromise, but you haven't, so I'm going to lock you in the stationery cupboard.
Don't be cruel.
Normally I wouldn't do this, you understand, Anteer, but there's a recession on.
But I haven't done anything wrong.
Ah, now that's just what Goebbels said, isn't it?
Only in German, of course.
But it's firm but fair, George, firm but fair.
So, what do you think of Deborah, eh?
Hey, hey, hey, nobody!
And that's not being sexist, you understand?
No, no, no.
I helped straighten things out between her and her boyfriend, actually.
I heard, yeah.
I think that whole business hurt her quite a bit.
Well, me too, come to think of it.
We've all been hurt that way some time or other, though, haven't we?
Oh, God, yes, terribly hurt.
I mean, women just don't understand that men suffer too, and...
And that can affect our ability to think.
Yeah.
I've just had to dump a girlfriend.
Oh, it's never easy, is it?
No.
I rang her up today.
Told her I'd moved in with Deborah.
Nice, nice. At least that way she knows you've been chucked for a good reason.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I told her I agonised for ages, but in the end, Deborah's got a sports car.
How'd she take it?
I don't know.
Tempe ran out.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
So, what about you and Dorothy?
Oh, well, we've been going out for a couple of years now.
Oh, well, I mean, that's good, isn't it? That's commitment.
Oh, God, yes, commitment, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know when women get the idea that men are frightened of committing themselves.
We tell them.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Where is Dorothy?
She's in the bath.
She'll probably ask me to hop in in a bit.
She gives a great soaping, Dorothy does.
So, Tony, has Gary sapped all your life spirit, alienated your friends
and made you want to strangle him with an electric flex yet?
No.
No, no. You haven't been going out with him for three years, have you?
Bit of the old banter, eh?
Answer that.
So, why did you leave your old place?
Trouble with the landlord. I think he wanted us all out.
Women get a rough deal sometimes, don't they?
Yeah, not surprised really, though. I hadn't paid the rent for three years.
Hi.
Oh, hi. Drink, Debra?
No, thanks, I can't stay. I've got a lot to do.
Oh, go on.
OK.
What's the book? Oh, How to Overcome Shyness and Form New Relationships.
My mother gave it to me. She thinks women who aren't married by the age of 25 are psychologically disturbed.
Thanks.
Oh, God, let's all be sensitive and complicated, shall we?
Just because you're insensitive doesn't mean Tony has to be.
I found this on the mat. I don't understand. It's addressed to Tony and Debra.
Oh, well...
Debra, the next time you seduce someone's boyfriend,
don't pick a lying moron who, A, tries to pull your sister,
B, borrows your money to get you a present and buys himself a tortoise,
and C, who dumps you for some tart with a sports car.
Tony, I have left your guitar outside together with a surprise for you both.
How disappointing.
Well... Um, Debra...
You want to wash that off before it stains your upholstered.
Gary, if we ever have children together...
Mm-hmm.
I don't mean to be cruel, but if it looks like they're turning out like you,
can we have them adopted?
I've just worked out what you were in a previous life.
What?
A dull person.
This is good. If there's a fire in the middle of the night,
I'm not going to waste precious seconds deciding what to wear.
Oh, whereas I'll be standing in the middle of the inferno going,
Oh, Gary, Gary, which is more me, the pink or the green?
What about your bedtime rituals,
smearing all that gunk on your face as I lie next to a dip?
I don't have to stay over.
I could have gone home and spared myself your demonstration
of the zen art of trouser folding.
No.
We're a sexy couple at the peak of our sexiness.
Every night, we should be toasting our exciting young bodies in our own juices.
Well, I'm afraid if you want to do any toasting,
you'll have to do it on your own in the bathroom.
How come we never want sex at the same time any more?
Because I'm never with you when you're walking down Oxford Street
on one of your ogling expeditions.
If you really loved me, you'd want it when I want it.
If you really loved me, you'd shut your face.
We always used to sleep naked, wearing more and more these days,
turning into our parents.
At this rate, in a few years, we'll be sitting up in bed
in tweed jackets and sensible hats.
Oh, you said you were going to fix that fence.
I say a lot of things.
I seem to remember saying I'd still respect you after I slept with you.
Anyway, Tony said he'd fix it if I let him off another month's rent.
Oh, you've let him off three months already.
That would have paid for a holiday.
It did.
A holiday for us, not him.
Well, he's a mate.
He's always around the flat.
Yeah, I was watching him trying to make the fridge work.
Not exactly.
I'm not sure shouting,
but I'm sure that's going to make a huge difference.
Oh, my God.
Play the tape throughout the night,
and you will awake with a refreshed appearance.
The benefits may include greater upper body strength
and a sense of cosmic well-being
that is sure to impress your wife or girlfriend.
Make sure your bedroom is a temple of sleep,
restful and free of all distractions.
Sleep is the vehicle that will drive you to self-knowledge.
You know something?
You know how you're always saying
that men never really discuss their feelings?
Well, I've got a hard on the side.
What I mean is, I want to share with you
a physical expression of the respect I hold for you as a person
in a real sense of sharing.
Tough.
Gary, just for your information,
that is about as erotic as being rubbed down with a raw chicken.
What's wrong with you?
We always have sex after I cook for us.
That's why I do it.
Yeah, well, that's the problem.
You've given me indigestion.
Oh, you always hurt the one you love.
Oh, that's sweet.
Me? You've hurt me?
I've spent hours crushing those bloody silly little son-of-a-bitch spice.
Yes, yes, all right. It was a lovely meal.
But to be honest, the only thing I want inside me now is milk and magnesia.
I can do it without waking you.
You're not kidding.
What?
Joe.
Yeah?
I knew we shouldn't have watched that French film.
All that panting you were doing sounded like you were blowing up a lilo.
You can't hide away from your sexy one.
Look, Gary, don't you think you're being just a tiny bit selfish?
Trying it on when I feel as if I've swallowed a piano.
Sorry.
I'll be very quick.
Shut it!
Oh, hi.
The fence is making a noise.
I know.
It's the wind.
I know.
That's the disadvantage of having a fence as opposed to a hedge, you see.
What are you and Gary going to do about it?
Well, I suppose we'll just wait for it to blow down and then burn it.
No problem.
The broken fence is rattling in the wind.
Hmm.
I'll fix it.
I'll get out there and I'll fix it.
Thank you.
First thing tomorrow morning I'll get my screwdriver in my hammer
and I'll be right out there...
Look, Tony, I am techy.
You said you loved me.
Now go and prove it by going and fixing the fence now.
Can't I prove it in another way?
Well, it's half past one in the morning.
Ah, he can't sleep.
I'll tell you what always helps me get to sleep.
Sex, presumably.
Actually, I was going to say reading the first few pages of the highway code,
but you're right, I'll try it your way, actually.
Oh dear.
You all right, Debs?
No.
Well, while he's mending the fence, why don't I make us a nice cup of cocoa?
All right.
I seem to be all right for everything apart from the actual cocoa.
Don't bother.
It's all right, I'll improvise.
That's one of my special skills.
Gary?
So why can't you sleep?
Oh, you know, things on my mind.
I've been trying to get off for an hour.
Me too, in the end I gave up and tried going to sleep.
Why don't you try getting a less lumpy mattress?
Ah, actually, Gary, you're sitting on my foot.
Oh, sorry.
I'd never been in your bedroom before.
This is where you...
Sleep.
That's right.
Oh, Nicholas Nickelby, what a good choice.
All those Nickelbys and their capers.
Marvellous book, marvellous.
I'm finding it a bit heavy going, actually.
It's an incredibly tedious load of old nonsense.
It's nice to have something long and turgid in bed at night, isn't it?
Leave me now, Gary.
No, I'll wait for you to finish your drink.
Oh, this isn't hot chocolate.
No, I boiled up some after eight minutes.
It's a refreshing alternative.
I wonder what that scum was on the top.
You know, Gary, I think I've got a better chance
of getting back to sleep if you left now.
Do you know what always helps with Dorothy?
Is a full-bodied rubber band.
Dorothy, is a full-bodied rub down,
really working into those nooks and crannies.
You're pitiful, Gary.
Hello.
Hi, Dorothy.
I was just talking to Deborah about insomnia.
Apparently it comes from the Latin word insomnum.
Insomnumni, insomnumnunin.
Shh.
Oh, you all right, Dorothy?
You haven't got anything for indigestion, have you?
No, sorry.
Gary, you're going to have to go out and get me something.
Why can't you?
Because it wasn't me that put a pound of raw lard
into the cheesecake.
That was good lard.
Deborah?
Yes?
Who's tired, unloved, and wants a big sloppy kiss?
Virginia Bottomley.
Oh, everybody's here.
I feel like I've just had an operation.
Well, I fixed a fence and I picked you these.
Oh, thank you.
Weeds!
Couldn't see what I was picking.
Oh, please, Gary.
Take my car.
There's a chemist at the end of the road.
You won't even have to change.
All right, I'm going.
Thanks for mending the fence.
I'd do anything for you, Deb.
You know that.
In that case, you won't mind going down again
and mending that bloody fence.
Oh, no way.
It's wild out there.
I could get a twig in my eye or something.
You just said that you'd do anything for me.
Deb, I didn't mean anything in that sense.
All right.
Are you OK?
No, not really.
I've just been made redundant.
Do you have anything for, erm...flame?
Flame, lovely.
What colour is it?
I don't know.
Well, is it green or yellow?
It's two o'clock in the morning.
He obviously wants some condoms.
Why don't you just get into it before somebody in the cube dies?
Yes, it's a dressing gown.
What do they have on your planet?
My girlfriend's got indigestion.
Any special symptoms?
You see, she's sarcastic, aggressive.
She keeps threatening to swap me for a dildo.
No, nothing special, just indigestion.
That's 2.35.
I seem to have lost my wallet.
Well, I can't help you then.
I'll pay you tomorrow.
This is a chemist.
If it was a bank, there'd be a sign outside saying bank.
I'm a respectable citizen.
I'm not like these people.
I'm sorry.
Sir...
Can any of you lend me some money?
Here. Look, it's an investment opportunity.
Hello?
I can see why some women marry rich, older men.
After a while, you just want something reliable in your life, don't you?
Have you thought about Miss Samsoni?
Please, Tony loves you.
Tony would settle for any woman who said he had nice hair.
Oh, Gary's quite selective.
His ideal woman is a top-heavy 18-year-old inner leotard who runs an off licence.
I've done it.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Look, it's windy out there.
I've had people looking out the windows laughing at me.
No!
What's the matter with you?
Tony, come back!
Oh, looks like Gary's gone to an all-night chemist in pit lockerery.
I'd better go down.
You won't be able to sleep the way you feel.
I'll stick a video on.
I'll come and watch it with you.
Do you think we're really upset, Tony?
Well, if we have, let's just consider it a bonus.
Because of the foreshortening effect, but relax.
If you find yourself naked and in the company of other men,
you can be sure that they will be feeling just as insecure as you are.
Feelings of social inadequacy are a further source of stress for some men.
You may worry that the jokes you tell are out of place,
or that they're simply not funny.
When you're awake, you will be free from this concern too.
Tony?
Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry.
How was sleeping?
Impotence can strike.
I'm sorry.
Impotence can strike.
What's that?
It's a hypnosis tape.
I thought they were for sad, insecure people.
Yeah, it's Gary's.
He found it in his lucky trouser drawer.
It's part of a series, actually.
They've got one on insomnia.
You put it on before you go to bed,
and then when you wake up the next morning, you can get to sleep.
It's brilliant.
I'm sorry I'm using your job.
Why?
I've just lost my job.
I'm sorry. That's why I was off earlier on.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
Well, these things happen.
Hey, look, you might as well have this then, eh?
Thanks.
Just ignore the bit about excessive masturbation.
That's just bloke stuff.
Still, you've got to look on the bright side of life.
You're one hell of a foxy lady.
Give me a chance to re-examine my career.
That's just what I mean.
I'm going to go to bed.
What?
Um, sit, sit on the bed.
Come and sit on the bed.
How are you going to pay your mortgage?
Oh, I don't want to think about it.
Tell you what, I'll move in and I'll pay your rent.
Do you really think I would prostitute myself like that?
All right, you pay me rent, then we're both up on the deal.
I don't know whether to admire your persistence
or run out screaming.
Well, you need someone, Deb.
Oh, maybe.
Trouble is I don't think it's you.
I guarantee.
Sleep with me, you'll never want another man again.
Well, you know what I mean.
Lie down.
No, come on, lie down. Just want to relax.
Head on the pillow. There we go.
Crazy horses!
Wah! Wah!
Crazy horses!
Wah!
And that was shot, so I had to go right into town.
I was padding round Piccadilly Circus in my slippers and dressing gown.
Well, you always say you don't get at the house enough.
I haven't had that many funny looks
since I went to that fancy dress party as Winnie Mandela.
Do you remember?
That gave me a rare insight
of what it's like to be a foreign black lady
traveling on a tube train full of Sheffield Wednesday supporters.
What was it you went as?
Peter Purvis.
We really used to push the bow down in those days, didn't we?
Oh, thank you so much.
I really appreciate this.
Well, I know we spend most of our time slagging each other off,
but I'm always there for you when you're sick.
It is milk of magnesium, is it?
Yes, it's a new kind.
Well, I'll bring it off to bed.
Have you tasted it?
Er, no.
Mmm, it's quite, um...
Quite flour and watery, isn't it?
Sorry?
You've just made it yourself out of flour and water, haven't you?
Yes.
My wallet fell out the hole in my dressing gown pocket.
Oh, tragic.
I only just found it in the hall.
Bit of luck, really.
Gary, when you had flu last month,
I went to 20 different shops to get you that air-fix model you wanted.
I know, I know you're mad, and thanks for that.
Night-night.
Gary, if you're not out of that door in 20 seconds,
I'm going to tell Tony about your wart.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't have been managing a restaurant anyway.
What would you rather do?
Well, actually, I'd like to work with children.
Oh, well, in a sweet shop, that sort of thing.
No, primary school teacher or something.
When you were at school,
did you ever get the teacher to write those long wobbly words
on the blackboard like Mrs Sippy
so you could watch the body parts sort of jiggle up and down?
No.
No, no, did I? I'm just saying, that's the kind of film
you'd have to put up with.
Oh, well, maybe not teaching, then.
Well, I'm looking for something new.
Maybe we should start a company together.
What happened to your recall business?
Oh, it just collapsed, you know.
It's the recession, isn't it?
No, I came back one lunchtime and half the stall had collapsed
and smashed most of the records.
Hey, I'll tell you what you could be.
What?
A model.
Oh, don't be so stupid, Tony.
They're all 18 and five foot ten.
Straight up, you could.
That is the most transparent flattery I think I've ever heard.
Really, honestly?
Do you really think so?
Trust me.
Tony, why did you do that?
Oh, you're lonely and I'm lonely and, hey,
in this big city, people like us have got to stick together.
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Tony, I thought you said you mended that bloody fence.
Oh, well, I don't have to now.
I do. I will just make love and fall asleep naturally.
Tony, we were just kissing.
Oh, God.
Have I missed anything?
No, not really.
Gary came back, but he had to pop out again.
It's three o'clock in the morning.
Yeah, just can't seem to settle tonight.
Has Tony forgiven you for laughing at his own joke?
No, he hasn't.
He's just been laughing at my joke.
Oh, I see.
Has Tony forgiven you for laughing at his hair?
Yes, I think so.
He's actually quite sweet.
Maybe I should give him a chance.
You're back?
Yes, I wanted to get to know the real you this time.
What is it you're wanting?
I'd like a barbecue set, half a pound of Ampeta beans,
and an emergency photo album, please.
What sort of barbecue set?
I was joking.
I know.
You're in digestion, right?
Two thirty-five.
How much are the big loofahs?
How's it going?
Great.
Me too.
You've got a crisp bag in your hair.
Cheers.
What's this?
Oh, I got this out. Scandinavian.
We're here.
Song of the Woodcutters.
Well, there's still a chance I might start humping it
some day.
I'm not sure.
Well, there's still a chance I might start humping it
some stage.
Aren't they great?
Yeah.
I could watch chicks sleeping for hours.
So peaceful.
Do you ever pull the bottom lip over the top lip
when they're asleep?
That's good.
I do do this to Dorothy, though.
That's good.
You have to remember to put it
back before the morning, otherwise you'll find out.
Are you awake?
I don't know what she's dreaming about.
I don't know. It sounds good.
Tick tock, no, no.
Sounds like, make me your big toy,
Gary.
It sounded more like, tone, tone.
Give me your bone tone.
You're not asleep, are you, Dorothy?
Nope. Fantastic.
There we go.
I got you that stuff for your indigestion.
It's OK. I feel better now.
Thanks anyway.
Don't worry, Trin.
Wake up.
I'll just take your clothes off so you don't get too hot in the morning.
I'll just bring them out.
Tony, what do you think you're doing?
Oh, go on. I'm here now.
All right.
Great.
And Tony?
Yeah?
Touch me and you'll die.
OK.
Oh, you're only saying that because you know I want to now.
I'm not.
I want to now.
You're not getting anything unless you take your milk and magnesium.
Look, I'm the one that should be angry.
I'm scared to go to sleep in case I wake up with my top lip up over my forehead.
Oh, go on.
I'll be quick.
I'm disgusting.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh.
Hey, I've got a surprise for you.
Don't tell me.
You're half man, half cucumber.
No.
You've invented a new sort of hair slide.
No.
I like surprises. Is it a pet beaver?
No.
Anyway, you know what it is. You helped me make it.
Oh.
Oh, no.
It's not something horrid, is it?
Like a presentation set of your bodily fluids.
No. I'll show it to you later.
It'll cheer you up.
Yeah. What's the matter with you, Dorothy?
Isn't it blindingly obvious?
I'm going out with Gary again.
You don't have to.
I do.
I've obviously been condemned to a lifetime of perpetual misery by the god of crap boyfriends.
Probably get Bill Wyman next.
Or Mr. Bean.
Oh. He's funny.
You should be happy.
I know girls who physically assault other women to go out with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's lovely going out with you again.
I feel as if we've been here before.
We're going round and round in circles, repeating the same old mistakes.
Yeah, all right. You made your point. Shut up.
You see what I mean?
We want to have a proper relationship, a relationship where we talk about things.
Things other than what sort of knickers Betty Rubble wears in the Flintstones.
Oh, forget I've grown this mate. Apparently they're little furry ones.
It's not important, Tony.
Oh, look, love.
Tonight is the start of a new phase in our relationship.
We'll have a lovely meal.
I know. I'm cooking it.
Well, exactly. Each one of us brings our special strength to the relationship.
So mine seems to be cooking. What's yours?
I'll have a pint of lager, please.
My strength is enjoying eating the food that you prepared.
You see? It's uncanny.
That's just one way that we're both working together in perfect harmony.
I don't actually, because that hurts.
Oh, sorry.
Gulp, gulp, gulp.
No, you carry on. Have a nice romantic evening. Don't worry about me.
I'll probably just stay here and play backgammon with Les.
Les plays backgammon?
You'll be telling me next you stop signing his name with a big shaky cross.
No, we'll just get the board out and sit with it.
Look like two dandies.
Go.
Dorothy, as part of the Crown's continuing search for excellent service,
can I offer you a goodbye gherkin?
Thank you, no, Les. This is my mother for not eating poisonous bass nights.
Can I bend your blokes here for a second?
Well, if you're going to do it properly, it's going to take longer than a second.
I'm sorry, Les, but me and my lady are having a very nice candlelit dinner for two tonight,
and nothing is going to get in the way of that.
You can finish your pint if you like.
OK.
Love, don't you worry. Everything's going to be different from now on.
Sorry.
So I reckon they should push Barnby forward, capitalising on his speed across the park.
And that would release Sheringham to fulfil his roving brief up front,
feeding off loose balls.
Balls, yeah.
What's he talking about?
I've got no idea. Sounds like a curry football.
Oh, God.
A cliched barman.
Do they think men only talk about football, booze and birds?
How's your pint?
Brilliant.
What's the other place?
Other place.
Do you know, I think I might have a real chance of cracking it this time.
Yeah, magic.
I mean, if I'm honest, I don't think I've come onto a very subtly in the past.
No.
I've been a mooner in Waitrose in front of a friend's.
If I'm honest, that probably was a bit of a mistake.
Yeah.
By any that munk doll with a pop-up erection.
You've always been there for him downstairs.
Oh, yeah.
Often pissed up seeing other birds.
Always, for that one.
Les, what was it you wanted me for?
Oh, yeah. The brewery's bank made these guest lagers.
I wanted your opinion on them.
This one's from Bulgaria. It's called Sod.
I'm sorry, Les.
I've got a special lady waiting for me at home.
What does Dorothy feel about that?
He is Dorothy, Les.
Oh. I thought you'd been going out for five years.
Oh, I've never got my phone set on.
Tony, this is me. I'm running late.
Can you record Baywatch?
Sure, Les.
Tony, I've still got your Nevada CD and watch.
This is me smashing them with a hammer.
Hey, Gary, if you get in, can you record that documentary
about king penguins and their fascinating wintry world?
Tell me.
Oh, Baywatch.
Message for Gary Strang.
You requested information on the Sun and Skin Naturist Club.
Unfortunately, single men aren't eligible to join.
Sorry.
Hi. Hi.
Devs? Yeah, it's me.
Can you come down and rescue me?
I think I'm going to kill myself.
What's this one called?
Binky.
I think it's Indonesian.
It's not as good as sod, but it's better than that Russian one.
What was that called?
Plop.
I'd better be getting back. Dorothy will be waiting.
Yeah.
So, Devs, I'm not going to rush in like I have done before.
I'm really going to, like, woo her, as if it's the first time we've met.
Yeah.
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
Now, either the governor's got to go with lobbing it to the eye,
fella, up front, or he's got to drill it in the feet on the carpet.
Yes, or the apricot man could do a pass over across the nutmeg off the sock.
Am I right, Tony?
Yeah, yeah. If you play the sock master like you say,
well, he got three points written blind.
Yeah. You see, I've been studying the shoulder stats,
and this will tickle you, Les, but you've got to go all the way back
to West Ham for a diagonal counter, rabbit.
What, do you think that's just bollocks, Les?
Damn it. I've got to go and serve someone.
So, woo her.
Woo her.
Woo, woo, woo her, Deborah. Woo her.
I've got this book on chat up lines, and you know what really works?
Yeah, yeah, run along, darling, I want to talk to your pretty friend.
I didn't mention that.
There's another one, I came up with this one, it's good you'll like this.
Is that your chest, or are you just keeping two really big round things
warm for a friend?
This book says that women respond to three things.
That's flattery, the protection that only a bloke can give,
and a sense of humour.
I see, so your best chat up line would be,
hello, gorgeous tits, I've got a shooter in me pocket,
how many prostitutes would take to change a light bulb?
Too much?
Too much, no, it's more like, can I tell you how much I love your eyes?
By the way, I'm a doctor.
Can I get you a glass of the old fire water?
It's a bit wanky, isn't it?
I'm going to adapt it for Deborah, you see, so it'll go,
Debs, can I tell you how much I like your hair?
By the way, I'm thinking of training to be a doctor,
and isn't it strange how the last chocolate in the box is always a coffee cream?
Observational humour, lovely.
You just advance then to the next stage.
That'll be penetration, will it?
Heavy petting leading inevitably to mutual masturbation.
I'll ask her if she's free maybe to go to a restaurant.
Oh, yeah?
Then gradually break down...
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I haven't got the time, you're taking too long.
You don't keep Dorothy waiting, not more than a couple of hours anyway.
Well, you have a nice meal, mate, you deserve it.
Well, yeah, I know I'd sound like a hardball playing dog whipping,
take me as you find me kind of a guy, which I am,
but when you've got something as special as me and Dorothy,
you don't jeopardise it by two more binkies over him,
whatever the ladies want, please.
Bloody hell, though, you sure you don't want to ring the pub?
No, that's the great thing about going out with Gary.
You know you're going to be disappointed,
it's just a question of how often and how much.
The trouble with Tony is, if he tries it on, I feel sordid,
if he doesn't, I feel unattractive.
What's worse?
Unattractive.
I wonder what he'd do there if he actually said to him,
oh, come on then, let's do it, get your policeman out.
I did once, he thought I was joking.
Mind you, I suppose he might have been still a bit wary
of the time I told him to take off all his clothes
and wait for me in the shed.
How long was he there?
Three and a half hours.
Still, still it's quite an attractive proposition, though.
No, there wasn't enough room, the lawnmower was in the way.
I'm not sitting on the bit that collects the grass.
Gary and I did it in my parents' shed once.
That was a phrase of ours for a while.
Fancy a quick shed?
It's when we were going through this stage
of trying to do it in unusual places.
What was the most unusual place?
Dudley.
It's Tony's fault, though, sod him.
If he was to be a bit more thoughtful just once,
I'd say, what the hell?
What's that?
It's Gary's getting back together present.
Oh, God, I hope it's not Jurassic Poke.
He's been begging me to let him get it out of the video shop.
Oh, my God.
Da, da, da, da, da, da.
Hello, Dorothy.
This is your... This is your home.
Where you live with your parents still,
even though you're well into your 30s.
I remember when you brought me home to meet them
shortly after we met.
Well, a couple of years after we met, they were very busy.
It was on this lawn that you played as a child
with your childhood friends.
It was on this lawn that you used to play as a child
with your childhood pals and then later, as an adult,
with me, your new pal.
You're bloke. You're bloke.
Your little shipmate on life's heaving love boat.
Now, I'm in security equipment,
actually handle most of the major burglar alarm systems.
We just took an order from Ostend, which is in Belgium,
so we're really pushing out into Europe, you know.
I took the order myself, processed the whole shooting match
within three working days. Really quite good going.
Tony?
Oh, yeah. So, um, what do you girls do in the evenings?
We go out. Great.
So how did you happen upon Les' watering hole?
I mean, two girls in a pub by themselves.
To me, that spells D-A-N-G-E-R.
To us, it's spelled M-A-R-L-B-O-R-O.
Huh?
Middlesbrough?
We needed some fags.
Marlborough!
Oh, dear.
Can I just say that I love your nose?
Yeah, but we're off now, so you'll have to love somebody else's.
No problem. Thanks for the drinks.
Cool. Girls, you've forgotten your goodbye curtains.
This is where we had our first date.
You had a lamb korma,
and I had, um, something brown in a smingy sauce.
After two hours, I knew I'd never look at another woman lustfully again.
The only trouble with girls is they don't appreciate
the place of the public house
within the cultural fabric of this great nation.
Oh. Not something you can learn, is it?
Oh, it's not. It's not.
I mean, you can get a book about it.
Oh, yeah, you can get a book about it
from a bookshop or a library.
But you can't learn about it.
No, no. It's because you can't learn it
because it's a blend of a thousand years.
Yeah, of blokes sitting around talking.
Talking, yeah.
You see, Dorothy, for instance, she doesn't understand
that lager is a metaphor for life itself.
The beer mats are the...
If you like, the squeegee ground beneath our feet.
The glass...
The glass is like the clothing around our body.
I mean, glass clothing. Yeah.
And the lager itself is the body
with its lovely foamy little curly little hair.
And the peanuts. You see, the peanuts...
They're just peanuts, really.
I've tried to explain to Deborah
that there's more to pubs than a load of blokes
sitting around getting drunk, talking crap and telling jokes.
Well, sometimes when you're going out with someone,
it's necessary to show them who's the boss.
And in my case... Dorothy Osley.
Yes, but is she, actually?
You see, is she?
Yes, she is.
Yes, she is, but she isn't tonight
because tonight marks the start of a new phase
in our relationship, a phase in which I call the Jesus at the time.
I've got to go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have a good night, old boy.
Yeah, you don't know anything I wouldn't do.
Well, so I'll have sex with a couple of ostriches then.
Good luck.
God bless you. All the best.
Tasty bar snacks, freshly prepared on the premises.
You've got a couple of cold sods to go with that, don't you?
And do you remember,
this is where we celebrated the year of going out together?
And afterwards, I vomited here...
and you put me in a mini-cap over there.
I want to be in it.
You said I could be in it.
So, this is Tony.
Hi.
I first...
I first met you, Dorothy, must be, ooh, two years ago,
and I knew then that I was in the presence of a super person.
I remember that time when you stopped over
and I saw you coming out of the bathroom after you'd had a bath
and your towel dropped off and I saw you in the nude.
Oh, dear.
And then there was that time when I came home early
and caught you and Gary doing the business on the lounge table
and you pretended to be doing those stretching exercises.
And then there was that time.
What... What... What were you doing?
Hello, Dorothy. Do you remember the time we both came back early
and we found Tony sitting alone watching a video
with his trousers round his ankles?
LAUGHTER
Nothing.
Hello.
PHONE RINGS
Dorothy? Lovely.
I'm so glad you and Gary are back together.
Hello.
Oh, hello. It's you.
Under each other's... Yeah.
...intimorable. Yeah, no, I'm lovely.
Not that you're wrong.
Lovely person, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Yes, I understand what you're saying. You're saying I'm a lovely person, yes.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I'm watching it now.
Oh, what can I say?
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Yeah, well, Tony's mate needed the camera back
because he wanted to film his wife's hip replacement operation,
so it's all done in a bit of a hurry, I'm afraid.
Look, Gary, are you actually coming home tonight?
Or have the brewery finally given in
and allocated you your own table to live under?
Well, I've been a little delayed
because first this old fella got his scampi fry
stuck in his throat and we had to wait until the ambulance came
and then there was a power cut
and we couldn't even see the exit for quite some time.
Gary, I don't care. Just come home now
and have some of the meal I lovingly prepared for you three hours ago
and we'll go to bed.
Bed?! Beds for sleepy people!
Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!
LAUGHTER
This is me outside Monty's,
the restaurant where we celebrated, as you'll remember,
our second anniversary of knowing each other.
Unfortunately, I drank eight pints of something
which seemed to disagree with me.
I was sick, it was a bit duffer here,
but because it was largely liquid,
it ran right down the duffer and it was quite disgusting.
LAUGHTER
See?
We must always be together.
Promise me you'll never leave me.
Do you mind if I don't, Gary?
Leave yourself. We'll be open a bit because it's nearly closing.
Gentlemen, please!
How many homosexuals do you want to go to?
LAUGHTER
Somebody wants to say hello.
Hello.
Bye.
That was Tony!
LAUGHTER
They're coming home. Hello, Dorothy.
How drunk are they? Oh, I've heard worse.
I can tell when Gary's seriously pissed
cos he starts singing or telling me he loves me.
And I'm really in trouble when he starts singing he loves me.
Maybe I'll wait and see if Tony comes home in a romantic mood.
We are sailing!
Oh, yes!
Across the sea!
We are sailing!
Stormy world!
To be near you!
To be free!
To be yellow!
We are sailing!
LAUGHTER
ROAR
LAUGHTER
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
No.
There's no...
Is that a plough?
It doesn't look like a bloody plough.
LAUGHTER
I am nearly!
LAUGHTER
I am nearly!
All the floor!
Outside the pole!
LAUGHTER
Oh, come out. Come out.
All right, all right. All right.
Ah, no, I dropped them again.
Shall we use my keys?
Keys? That's a good idea.
I was looking for me bollocks.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to knock on Deborah's door.
You can't do any harm, can you?
That's the convenient thing about calling on people in the middle of the night.
They're always in.
I'm really ready to seduce her now.
I've planned it in the minutest detail.
Yeah? What are you going to say?
Say?
How do I know that?
Oh, say.
Oh, say. Yeah.
I'm going to compliment her on her hair, as we discussed.
And then I'm going to subtly ask her out for a tea, for a scone.
And I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
And then she'll smile sweetly.
I'll sod it. I'll just shout out.
Deborah!
I f***ing love you!
LAUGHTER
No! I want you!
LAUGHTER
Shh.
LAUGHTER
I think Dorothy's locked with us.
How do we do that?
I don't know. I just can't think. I don't know why.
That's not working.
Shh. I'll make it ring.
Ring! Ring!
LAUGHTER
Dorothy! It's me!
Gary!
Your boyfriend.
There, see?
There's a couple of bottles of plop in it for you.
LAUGHTER
Dorothy, I've got my flap open and I'm begging you to let me in.
LAUGHTER
Maybe just a weeny bit louder.
Dorothy!
LAUGHTER
Dorothy!
You've got the right ass!
Yeah? Yeah.
It looks like it. Yeah.
All right. What I'm going to do is break in.
How? Well, I'll tap lightly on this pane in the door
with precision tapping, break it and put my hand in and open the door.
I'll do that. I'll be good at that.
All right. I want to do it. This is my door.
BELLS RINGING
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Honey, we're home!
We're homey!
Sorry about the noise.
There was a slight glass hazard in the foyer.
LAUGHTER
I'm glad I caught you up.
You didn't catch me up. You woke me.
Oh. Can I give you a scone and some protection?
LAUGHTER
I love your hair.
Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?
You don't!
How says you do? Just stay here in your flat.
LAUGHTER
You are irritating!
I just wanted to say that I'll always be here for you,
waiting for your call, standing by, forever ready.
LAUGHTER
All right.
What?
LAUGHTER
And then we tried to leave again, but this woman came in
and said, could we fix her car?
And would you believe it?
Her car needed a whole new gearbox.
LAUGHTER
So there we were, with these little cogs and just the light,
and there's this torch, it's rubbish.
Oh, you were lovely.
LAUGHTER
I...
like...
you.
LAUGHTER
I...
love...
you.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I am sitting.
LAUGHTER
You're not coming, are you, Dan?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
Plastic surgeons in Brazil are developing implants
that allow breasts to be pumped up or deflated
according to the mood of the Latino lady or her lucky lover.
LAUGHTER
I'd say you couldn't go far wrong with hugely inflated.
LAUGHTER
Sorry.
LAUGHTER
On Saturday morning, a woman lying in bed next to her boyfriend, Gary,
suddenly broke off a piece of her bedside table
and stabbed him with it over and over again.
I was sorry.
As she was led away, Dorothy explained,
I don't fear prison.
It'll be far more civilised than my current lifestyle.
LAUGHTER
Why do you have to do that in bed, Gary?
It's what blokes do.
LAUGHTER
Why do you think women don't do it?
Lack of confidence.
LAUGHTER
No, it's because it's not very nice for the other person.
You're a bit afraid of the human body there.
Gary, I'm a nurse.
I've seen and heard things emerge from the human body
that would make you shudder with horror.
Well, there you go, then.
It's about respect. I respect you.
Eagly.
How would you feel if I farted in bed all the time?
I'd be absolutely delighted. No, you wouldn't.
You'd say I was being unfeminine.
But would I, though, actually? Would I?
It's not just the farting.
Since I moved in, you've been completely outrageous.
Thanks.
No, it's a bad thing. Oh, a bad thing.
At least you used to make a tiny effort.
Now you're a 24-hour slob.
No wonder Deborah gets depressed living above men like you and Tony.
Men. It's always men, isn't it, getting it in the neck?
I'm a bloke, there's my neck. Get it in there.
What is it that blokes do that's so bad?
Tell me one thing.
Well, you're always rummaging about in your underpants, adjusting yourselves.
It's complicated down there. Things need freeing up.
You're always staring at women's chests.
You sit on the tube with your legs wide open
like you're exhibiting some new species of giant plum.
We are.
You think road rage is a brilliant idea.
You go to football matches so you can shout out you're a total wanker
to that little umpire bloke.
Whenever you clear your throats, you make that awful sort of scratchy sound.
You think women are constantly fascinated by ironing.
You're always going, w-he-hey.
What about you women?
You think the most important thing in the universe is chocolate.
You put on a skirt the size of four tea bags
and then you complain because blokes look at you.
You're always saying things like, oh, what lovely curtains.
You think you're oh-so-damn sensual but woe betide
any bloke who wants to have sexual intercourse more than three times a week.
Oh, no.
You're always complaining that we can't find your clitorises.
Yet you know about as much about our tackle as you do about how to wire a plug.
You blame us when you have a period, you blame us when you don't.
Fancy a bit of a...
What?
Well, accident?
No.
Big tidal wave coming this way?
Club.
The Crown? What's happened?
Shall I slap you, Tony?
No.
They're redecorating the Crown.
Excuse me.
Where's Les?
What's he look like?
He's quite dribbly.
He's usually got a couple of gherkins on the gherkins.
He looks a bit stained.
Why now, is he?
No, he's the landlord.
You are.
Ken!
This is Ken.
What's happening, Ken?
Exciting new interior.
What was wrong with the old one?
Well, the brewery did some market research and classified it as a crap hole.
Who are you?
I'm Ken.
The new...
Landlord?
Landlord.
What's happened to Les?
Brewery sacked him.
Why?
He was a brilliant landlord.
He kept forgetting to open at lunchtimes.
He did like his sleep, Les, doesn't he?
Yeah, well, look, we're not happy.
We love Les.
No, we don't.
We feel sorry for him.
Yeah, and I'll tell you something else, mate.
We're not setting one foot inside your place until he's fully reinstated.
Absolutely.
Yeah, at first, the brewery wanted to rename the pub Mobiles
for people who like to use their mobile phones in public.
Then they were going to turn it into a shawaddy-waddy theme pub called...
shawaddy-waddies.
Then they thought about a darts theme pub called Tossers.
Yeah, could go with any of them.
Then the brewery decided to recreate the pround exactly as it was,
so I found an old black and white photograph of the pub before the war.
What was it like?
It was terrible, apparently.
Lots of people got killed.
What was the pub like?
Oh, it had that authentic pub atmosphere that everyone now is looking for
as we approach the end of a millennium and the beginning of a new millennium.
It'll have horse-brasses to maintain that authentic pub atmosphere.
Pink ones.
All right, well, thank you very much.
Obviously, we'll have to consider other premises in the area
and check out the facilities that they have to offer,
but we'll get back to you.
Come on, Tony.
Oh, it's like the end of an era, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, Gary, look.
A towel from the Gents.
Oh.
I couldn't have heard of this.
Hi, Debs.
Hello, Tony.
I bought you a present.
How's you been so depressed?
I feel a lot better now, thank you.
Oh.
Well, I'll keep it then.
I didn't suppose it was a nice present.
They're all nice, my presents to you.
Well, to be honest, I wasn't that thrilled with the chocolate knickers.
Or the carrot you found in the shape of a penguin.
Or the piece of wet bark.
I love this.
Here, go on.
Come on.
See?
It's a condom machine.
I rescued it from the crown.
Oh, have you got one already?
I haven't, actually.
I just thought it was something we could enjoy together, you know.
No, Tony.
You don't have to use it for Johnny's.
Gary's been putting bits of cheese in it.
Throw a couple of pounds in the slot, twist the angle and hey presto, a bit of cheese.
You get your money back.
I know, Tony.
Or you can use it for bite-sized mini-wheats.
Do you mind if I don't?
OK.
Oh, sorry.
So, what's been happening?
I've been getting into astrology, actually.
Oh, the moon's in your anus sort of thing, eh?
Well, don't go shopping on the 16th of the month or you might get sucked to death by guinea pigs.
Real astrology has a strong basis in scientific fact, actually.
Uh-huh.
What's your sun sign?
I'm a Solaro.
That's an ice cream, Tony.
OK, I'm a Leo.
I thought so.
Because your sign exactly fits your personality.
Actually, I'm a Capricorn.
Why did you just say you were a Leo?
Which one would you rather be?
Roaring great lion with a golden mane or a scabby little goat?
Anyway, guys don't believe in all that bollocks, do they?
Not unless they're trying to get off with a girl who really thinks...
..that she's a Leo.
Real astrology, though.
Now, that I do believe in.
Astrology, tarot cards, palm...
You name it, I believe in it.
You're just saying that.
Get out of here!
I've always got my head stuck in a book of astronomy.
Astrology.
Gary's always having a go at me, you know.
Always saying, come on, let's go bowling, let's go here, let's go there.
And I have to say, no way, mate, no.
I'm going to stay in and check if my sentence is in Pluto or not.
Have you done your full natal chart, then?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's fascinating, isn't it? You were showing me yours.
You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
All right.
Right, brewery.
Acceptable.
Access?
Small step could prove tricky on departure.
Proximity of takeaway facility.
Cool.
Leverage? Leverage.
Hey!
You don't think it makes the room look too...
...toilety?
No.
Oh, happy days, eh?
Stood at that, you rino.
Happy days.
Wonder how long we spent standing in front of them, eh, in the crown?
Ninety-eight hours.
I've got Anthea to work it out at the office.
Oh.
Busy day, then.
What's for Anthea?
Hey, I'll tell you a funny word.
Spankathon.
That's good, yeah, no.
Carsey.
Oh, yeah. Carsey.
What did you used to call a toilet in your house?
Trevor.
Eh?
We had this family thing, you know.
We're going to go and see Trevor.
Where's our Tony? He's gone to see Trevor.
Have you seen our dad? Yeah, he's with Trev.
I mean...
Did you call it a toilet or a lavatory or what?
Trevor.
I'll tell you what.
And we called our shed Nicky and our garage Steve.
I'll tell you a word I hate.
Er, dangly.
Discharge.
No. Lou.
Lou.
It's one of those horrible girly words, isn't it?
Like, doobery.
Yeah.
I'm not sure.
Oops.
Potty.
Flip-flop.
Brighteningly girly.
And you've got your guys' words, of course, haven't you?
Like carburettor.
Yeah, and penalty shootout.
Yeah.
So, how do you rate
the snacking amenities in the Green Man?
Well, I tried to order a bag
of dry roasted peanuts, but I must have been pretty out of it
because the barman came back with some matches
and a small bar of soap.
It's not the same, is it?
Anyway, though.
Yeah, you did, didn't you?
Hello. Hello.
Oh, no. You're not still doing that chart.
It's only a pub.
Anyone would think you were choosing the venue
for the next Olympic Games.
Let me tell you about pubs, Dorothy.
Oh, God.
The local pub is like a cathedral.
It's where blokes go to be
with other blokes and chat
about the world as they see it over a pint.
So, it's not really like a cathedral, then, is it?
All right, no. The local pub is like
a library. Now, you don't just settle
on the first library, you see, do you?
No, you examine it coolly.
You see what booze it does.
You check that it smells right.
You get a feel for the bar snacks.
And then, and only then,
do you emotionally commit to it.
So, it's not really like a library, then, either, is it?
No, all right.
Pass the purple, Tony.
What's purple?
Purple is how long it took the bar staff
to bring us two lagers,
a tequila and blackcurrant,
and a slim panatella.
It was the quickest. Let's pretend I care.
The Duchess of Kent,
but they incurred a ten-second penalty clause
for calling, Tony. What was it?
Um, completely not a drunken bastard.
I don't suppose you'd ever think of judging a pub on what really matters,
how comfortable the chairs are,
how expensive the drinks are,
how clean the toilets are?
No. What do you judge it on, then?
Whether the barmaid will let you bury your head in her breast
at the end of the evening.
LAUGHTER
Bit of a squeaker there, mate.
LAUGHTER
Well, hey, look at the top bollocks on that.
LAUGHTER
Don't get many of them in a suitcase, do you?
For God's sake, it's a cartoon!
LAUGHTER
Still.
You're doing this deliberately. What?
Acting borishly, so I have to react,
and then I say something, and then you tell me I'm a nagging witch.
That's too complicated for me, love.
LAUGHTER
It's not just that.
I have to do all the work round the flat.
I'm sorry, love. It's just that...
Well, you're better at it than we are.
You're just too damn good at it.
Do-ga-do-ga-do-ga-do-ga-do.
LAUGHTER
Do-ga-do-ga-do-ga-do.
We're living together now, Gary.
I don't want you to treat me like your personal slave.
OK.
I want us to be like a proper couple.
All right.
I'm going down to the pub.
LAUGHTER
Go on.
LAUGHTER
I, erm...
I hesitate to ask, Tony,
but, er, what's this one?
Athlete's foot lotion.
Lovely.
Get athlete's foot quite a lot.
Oh, nice.
Nasty little fungus.
Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?
I quite like getting athlete's foot, though.
Why, Tony?
Well, it makes me feel wanted.
You know...
LAUGHTER
This little fungus has chosen me,
Tony, to live on.
Yes.
Yes, that's nice. I can see that now.
LAUGHTER
You've got quite low self-esteem, haven't you, Tony?
LAUGHTER
Oh.
What's this?
It's my birth chart.
Oh, it's taken you ages.
Don't you have to calculate
the exact position of the stars?
You can do it that way, yeah.
Or you can make it up.
Make it up, yeah.
You see, Debs has got into astrology,
so I thought I'd, you know, exploit her.
LAUGHTER
Little bit cynical, maybe?
What do you mean?
Well, Debs is going through a career crisis,
so she's feeling a bit worthless.
She's a little bit vulnerable.
That's great, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Tony, don't you think you should be helping
Deborah to feel more positive,
so that she realises she's a worthwhile person,
that she doesn't have to rely on astrological mumbo-jumbo?
It's just a crutch.
Yes.
But it's a very nice crutch.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, I don't just think of Debs like that.
Astrology is a crutch.
Astrology, yeah.
Well, it's taken me ages.
Look, I've coloured it in and everything.
Well, I'll leave it to your conscience.
All right. See you later.
LAUGHTER
That'll be 96
of your Earth pens, please.
LAUGHTER
Of my pint, please.
Oh, all the way at the top.
All right, yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, tell me, Ken, you did this place up
all from an old black and white photo, did you?
Yep. Down to the last detail.
Can I have a look at it?
Check out the bloke at the back
with a weird hat.
You mean Tony balancing a plate of scotch eggs on his head?
LAUGHTER
He was a less self-conscious age.
The tram was king.
People thought of nothing.
And that's me next to him.
Les took that at his free Nelson Mandela evening last summer.
Before we told him he'd already been free for five years.
LAUGHTER
Bar still.
LAUGHTER
All right, well, that's enough chit-chat, Ken.
Just one or two questions.
Coffee?
Oh, no, thanks. No, I brought some lagers.
It's all right, though. I checked.
And according to the coordinates, Saturn's in conjunction with Pisces.
So it's all right to get pissed.
LAUGHTER
Right. Now...
What star sign are you?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tell me.
Let me think.
I'm getting it. I'm getting it.
You're a fire sign, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
Let me look at you.
LAUGHTER
You're a Sagittarius, aren't you?
Yes.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, I knew it!
I knew it!
You've sent me a birthday card for the last three years.
Eh?
LAUGHTER
SIGH
LAUGHTER
Right.
So, Ken, should we decide to become regular patrons,
or will you be offering flexible payment options?
No.
Bit of a disappointment, that, Ken.
Will you be stocking dairy-based snacks along the line of Cheesy Moments,
or do you favour a fish-based product, such as the Scampi Fry?
Don't know.
LAUGHTER
Will you be doing lock-ins?
Is that a fish-based product, or a dairy-based snack?
Lock-ins, Ken. Afters.
Afters?
No, not doing any food.
LAUGHTER
Have you ever worked in a pub before?
Of course I have!
No, no, no, I haven't.
My brother's sleeping with the personnel manager at the brewery, Mrs Swift.
That pint was off, Ken. I'll be needing another one on the house.
Perfectly standard procedure. Is it?
Oh, yeah. Oh, right.
I think this will make a very nice local.
Hello. Oh, hi.
Oh, vodka and tonic for the little lady. She likes it on the rocks,
but that's enough of our sexual problems.
LAUGHTER
Dorothy, please fill this kettle with water when you have time.
LAUGHTER
Dorothy, before you sit down, please defrost the fridge.
LAUGHTER
Dorothy, please iron by Tuesday.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to make that Thursday?
Do you have any idea what it's like living with you, Gary?
It's like white water rafting. It's a bit of a challenge,
but ultimately satisfying.
No? Shall I show you? OK.
All right, mate.
Look at the gristle on that.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
LAUGHTER
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't kick his arse out a bit.
Come on, I think we'd better leave. Shut it!
BURP
Here. Line him up, mate.
Another pint for the little gentleman.
Of course, he won't be ready for it for another half an hour,
but still, that's enough of our sexual problems, eh?
LAUGHTER
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Right. Listen here, you. I'm the new...
Er, landlord. Landlord, yes.
And I must hereby issue you a verbal warning that...
Nice todger!
But you can't get many of those in a biscuit tin.
Right. You're out, Lord. What?
Both of you, you're out, Lord. You're barred! Sorry.
Get out! Get out!
Jupiter signifies my career, obviously.
So in opposition, that points to why I keep losing my job.
On the other hand, Venus, trying to Jupiter could indicate the opposite.
What do you think, Toby? Shall I show you mine now?
LAUGHTER
Yes, OK.
Right. Right.
See?
Well, I was born under a wandering star.
LAUGHTER
With the sun basically shining in my face,
indications are that I am destined to have congress with a Sagittarian lady.
LAUGHTER
If you look here, you can see...
A rabbit. You've doodled a rabbit.
No, no, that's a badger.
OK, it's a badger.
What has a badger got to do with a star?
OK, it's a badger. What has a badger got to do with astrology?
Well, it's the sign of the badger.
Symbol of...thing.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, according to the planets,
I must lie down here now.
LAUGHTER
And you must lie here in conjunction with me.
LAUGHTER
Or perhaps you should just leave.
Leave. That's probably the best plan.
LAUGHTER
I'm much better at palm reading, you know.
No.
I'm Chinese here with a hedgehog. What about you?
Get out!
LAUGHTER
I mean, I suppose there might be something in it.
We shouldn't just slag it off.
Nobody really knows, though, do they?
If you're honest.
Or are people swear by it?
They do, they do, they do.
How do we get on to Marmite?
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
Same about the old crown, eh?
Oh, God, yeah, I don't know what came over Dorothy.
I've never been barred from anywhere in my life.
LAUGHTER
Except the swimming pool.
True, yeah, swimming pool.
And the video shop.
Yeah, and the video shop.
And the Piccadilly line.
LAUGHTER
How do you get barred from the Piccadilly line?
Shoelaces, a bucket of sand, it's a long story.
LAUGHTER
BANGING
LAUGHTER
If I had to predict the future, though, you know how I'd do it?
Know me.
Phrenology.
Phrenology?
Phrenology.
Phrenology?
Phrenology.
Phrenology?
Phrenology.
Feeling the bumps on a person's head to predict the future.
It's on a programme I once was fascinated in.
Does it work?
God, no, how could it?
A load of rubbish, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Of course, what you've got to ask yourself is,
do you want to predict the future stretching on and on?
Like the M6.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Or stopping suddenly, like that little road by the station in Yeovil.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
What's on?
I can't tell, the screen's too small.
LAUGHTER
We always said if we ended up as one of those couples
who watched television in bed, we'd split up.
Close the door quietly on your way out, then.
LAUGHTER
Gary, when I was away on that sailing weekend,
did you sleep with someone?
LAUGHTER
Sorry?
LAUGHTER
When I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
How do you mean, woman?
LAUGHTER
A woman, you know?
They're the ones with what you and Tony call shirt potatoes.
LAUGHTER
Did you?
No, no, no way.
No way, absolutely not. Ask Tony.
Yeah, you did, then.
It was the most meaningless experience of my life.
It meant as much to me as putting a tortoise in his box for the winter.
You said yourself, love, sex without commitment
is just two people stuffing body parts into each other.
And to be fair, you've done quite a bit of stuffing yourself.
Let's not do stuffing with other people any more.
Well, I've got it out of my system.
You could lock me in a room full of women
wearing nothing but little white pants
and I'd probably just want to chat.
LAUGHTER
Maybe we should get married.
No, I mean it.
Yeah, all right, we tried everything else.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what I mean, though?
It might show people that we're serious about each other.
Wouldn't buying a dog make the same point but in a slightly more fun way?
Maybe we could relax,
stop looking over our shoulders for something better.
And could we have a proper telly in bed?
Yeah.
All right, let's get married.
LAUGHTER
Propose to me properly.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Gary.
It's lovely.
LAUGHTER
MUSIC
So is Dorothy going to wear white?
No, I think she's thinking of brown or grey or something.
LAUGHTER
Oh, look at that.
Wedding night lingerie.
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
Lime.
LAUGHTER
Oh.
LAUGHTER
Ooh.
Beer? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Do you reckon you'll ever get married?
Oh, yeah. I'd marry Deb's tomorrow.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, no, I can't do it tomorrow.
I've just remembered they're giving away free teas down the library.
You know, the great thing about marriage is you can stop all that messing about.
It's like the old saying, isn't it?
Why go out for a steak when you've got a hamburger at home?
No, I got that wrong. I got it wrong, haven't I?
Still, sometimes you really want to wolf down a hamburger, don't you?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Gary, if I was a girl...
LAUGHTER
..with a girl's bottom and everything...
LAUGHTER
..would you marry me?
Of course, mate. Oh, mate.
LAUGHTER
So, the stag night.
Oh, the stag night.
Can I say, let's not have it too sleazy.
I was all a bit of a cliché, all that.
Right.
Strippers, obviously. Obviously.
LAUGHTER
So, looking forward to it?
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I just feel a bit sad that I'm not...
..marrying someone else.
LAUGHTER
Come on, Gary's sort of special.
What other man would offer to pierce his nipples as a wedding present?
LAUGHTER
Apart from Tony.
Yeah, maybe that's a problem.
I mean, you could never imagine if Humphrey Bogart had married
Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca,
that he'd have been happy to spend his honeymoon night
dabbing disinfectant on his nipples.
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Hello, Tony.
LAUGHTER
Hello, Tony.
Hello, Dorothy.
What should I say?
Hello, Gary's future little lady.
Yes, you can say that, but I have to kill you.
Yeah. It's weird, isn't it?
In a week's time, you are going to be Gary's other half.
I thought we'd already established that Gary's two halves
are Homer Simpson and Ethel Merman.
LAUGHTER
How's it going, Tony?
Did I tell you? Gary's asked me to be his best man.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I have to arrange a stagnant height and everything.
And it says here in my little book,
allow the groom to have fun,
but do not let his behaviour destroy the marriage.
So I thought I'd come up here and see if there's anything
you didn't want us to do.
I'll just leave that up to your conscience, shall I?
I'll just take a sucking whipped cream off a purple...
Yeah, all right. I don't want to know the details.
Fine.
Oh!
So how's the study going, Debs? Really well.
Yeah? Need any help with any stories?
We don't do stories, Tony. We do essays.
Oh.
Put the bra back, Tony.
LAUGHTER
Tony, you're looking a bit...
What, groovy? No.
Snazzy? No.
A bit pathetic.
Are you sure you're keeping your mind active enough these days?
Yeah. I work down the ground two nights a week.
That keeps me as sharp as a stick.
What do you do with the days?
Well, in the mornings, I tend to just sit and, er...
just sit.
Then I have lunch, cheese sandwich on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,
baked bean sandwich on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
and then I just, erm... sit again.
Until children's TV comes on telly.
And I have a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Except on Fridays when I have a small cake.
LAUGHTER
So it's a full life, then?
Yeah. Brilliant.
Have you thought of getting a regular job?
Oh, no. Routines, you see. I'm no good at routines.
Oh, now, there's a job advertised on the hospital notice board.
They need agents for birthing pools. You'd work from home.
What's a birthing pool?
Well, it's for women who want to have their babies at home
and give birth in water.
That's a bit weird, isn't it?
Yeah, never mind.
No, I'm interested.
Nickers, Tony.
LAUGHTER
Yes, well, the same to you too, mate.
Sit on it and swivel.
So that's a no.
LAUGHTER
George, did you have a stag night?
Yes. Some chums and I went to see the film Whistle Down the Wind,
starring Hayley Mills.
LAUGHTER
That was it, was it?
We had a sherry beforehand.
Glad to hear it. For a minute there, I thought it was all a bit tame.
Colin Atwater, Gary Strang.
Remember, we met at the Happy Eater just outside Taunton in 1992.
Anyway, I'm getting married. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just wondered if you'd like to come to my stag night?
LAUGHTER
Well, how do you know you're busy? I haven't told you when it is.
LAUGHTER
No, no, no. It's your decision. Yep. Bye, Specky.
LAUGHTER
Are you having trouble finding chums for your stag night?
No.
Well, at least you can count on Tony and George.
Oh, I don't think it's the sort of thing George would enjoy, really.
Why? What will you be doing?
Well, you know.
Oh, no, you don't, do you?
Well, over the years, certain traditions have grown up
whereby the groom is encouraged to drink alcohol until he bleeds
and then indulge in... Oh, that's Simon Watkins! It's Gary Strang!
We met at the Barnet Sales Forum in 1989.
LAUGHTER
When did he leave?
LAUGHTER
Oh, well, do you want to come to my stag night?
LAUGHTER
No, that's fine. OK, bye.
LAUGHTER
OK, you can come. Oh, thank you.
Not you.
LAUGHTER
Hello, Cheeks.
Yeah, I was just wondering if your club would be suitable
for a small group of men on an outing.
LAUGHTER
Yeah? And do the women, like, take all their clothes off?
LAUGHTER
Yeah? And then they, like, put them all back on again?
Oh, no, no, fair do.
LAUGHTER
One of our gentlemen isn't as young as he used to be.
Can he be excused at individual rap dancing?
LAUGHTER
Yeah? Good.
He'll be the one wearing the cardigan.
LAUGHTER
OK, bye. Yeah, see you tomorrow.
LAUGHTER
Yes!
LAUGHTER
What's going on?
Shhhhhh
Shhhhhhh
What are you doing?
I'm renting out these birthing pools to women that are like knocked up
Bit weird isn't it?
That's what I said
What's this bit?
Dunno, umbilical cord?
Errr
That'll be for
straining the baby I suppose, won't it?
I think I better do the course
Hey, I'll arrange tomorrow night
Yeah, is it going to be
without being too
Oh no
Dorothy?
Just a wild guess, but are you off on your stag night?
Just a few dried drinks
I hear you took that job Dorothy told you about
Yeah, yeah, after what you said about expanding my mind
That's good, because I think you've got potential you know
Yeah, and you see the mind is like a loaf of bread
It needs the yeast of experience in order to rise
Excuse me, excuse me
Can we not be sensitive on my stag night please?
Sorry
I've got a friend who's interested in one of those pools
Here, I'll give you a number
Oh
Do you want to come with us?
No, no girls
Oh, sorry mate
I can't anyway, it's Dorothy's head night
Oh, where are you two off to?
Las Vegas
Listen, I'm not apologising
On my last night of proper freedom
For doing what men do
This is my stag night, I shall be acting like a stag
Uuuuuuuuuhhh
Uuuuuuuuhhh
Don't ever do it love
Alright love
Uuuuuhhh
Uuuuuuuuhhh
I don't understand why we couldn't use your bed
Which is your bathroom?
It's the quite small room with the bath in it
I'm Gary
Hi Gary
Listen, it's only fair to warn you
I'm getting married in a few days
Oh dear
Yeah, what I'm trying to say is you're lovely
From what I remember
But we probably haven't got a very long term future
Well
That's my life in ruins
Only fair to warn you
Tony
Tony, Tony
I think I just slept with a woman
I know I did
Do I look creased in this?
Promise you won't tell Dorothy?
Oh why?
Because it's not very nice
How would you like it?
It would have been very nice but I could only afford one woman
Do you mean you paid for her to sleep with me?
Well to be fair mate
Why did you think she was here when we got back?
I thought she'd seen me
And followed me home in a nice way
Why would she do that?
Because she liked me
Sorry mate
Hey, what was it like?
I can't really remember that much of it
She didn't seem very involved
When I rang round I tried to find one that you'd like
You know, her parents come from the west country
Same as yours
Cheers mate
Look, Dorothy said she didn't want to know
What you were up to
Believe me, she'd want to know if I spent the night
With some tart
I understand your family was Central Somerset
Well, more Devon really
Oh lovely
Well thanks, that was great
I wonder if I could ask you to leave quite quietly
In fact, don't take me wrong, would you mind leaving under a blanket?
Yeah, I would
I could get you a nice one
I'm going now
I'm going through the front door and we've been coming and going through the front window
Slides up quite easily
Bye
What's up mate?
There was a man
Honestly, you're paying good money
And you've got a bloody transsexual
No, no, no, no
From upstairs, one of the girls must have had a bloke in there last night
Oh, I hope it was Dorothy
Yeah
Sorry mate
So, how was last night?
Anyone throw up?
George felt a bit dizzy at one point
But I think that was from clutching his train timetable too tightly
So did they strip you naked, cover you in treacle and leave you tied to railings?
That's dying out
Did you have a nice evening?
Oh, yeah
Lots of fun
I'm going to bed
Oh, yeah
Lots of girly talk about relationships
Holiday plans, hair care, no
What did you get up to?
Oh, you know
Pub, club, restaurant
The usual
Circus, laundrette, bat cave, you know the usual
Where's Deborah?
Oh, she, um, she spent the night with her friend Claire
Gary
I've got a confession to make
Really?
Last night I had a
A thing
It was completely meaningless
I
Well, that's the end of that then
I'm going to bed
You might be interested to know that I spent the night with someone
last night as well as someone rather special
How is Clive?
No, actually
Not Clive
Actually, a woman
And out of respect for you
I wouldn't let her sleep with me
in our bedroom
Now, that's commitment
Commitment.
Well, clearly, this whole thing is a terrible mistake.
Yes, it clearly is. Yes. Yes. Right.
See you around, then.
So...
So, the water supports and soothes during the stages of labour,
providing drug-free relief in a calming environment.
Oh, good.
Do ask any questions. I have done a course.
OK. Erm...
I love Deb, you know. Yeah, she said you were quite keen.
So, what temperature should the water be maintained at?
It started off as a sort of a sexual thing,
but over the years it's changed into a gentle,
gentle obsession.
I nearly gave up, to be honest.
But what's good is how women, when they reach their 30s,
start to lower their standards.
Tony!
Can you come in?
It's like footballers, isn't it?
When they're young, they all want to play for Man United.
By the time they get to Deb's age, it's,
ooh, Stenhouse New York, brilliant.
And I've always had a lot of respect for Basildon Athletic.
You all right?
It's starting, Tony.
What is?
Oh.
Snap out of it, George.
These things happen on stag nights.
But just a nightclub with some nice, topless ladies,
not the last days of Sodom and Gomorrah.
What's happening to the world?
George, you're not the first man to be interested
or the first man to be encouraged
to push his face between a lady's jiggling bosoms.
I didn't know where to put myself.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I think she was just as surprised as you
to see you'd wedged your briefcase in her cleavage.
I'm going out to buy some biscuits.
Good.
Is he any better?
A bit. At least he's stopped that scary humming.
No.
Anthea, can I confide in you?
Oh, yes, of course.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Anthea, George is right.
Everything is cheap and seedy and dirty.
I thought that was what you liked.
Well, it is.
But perhaps I'm moving away from all that.
I mean, look at George.
He's got a photo of his wife on his desk.
He's got a packed lunch with a special cold sausage
that only he and Marjorie like.
He's set up a model village in his attic.
I want that.
Well, perhaps he'll let you borrow it.
Not the model village.
The lifestyle, the togetherness.
Look, I'm sure you and Dorothy can patch it up.
No, we can't. It's all spoiled.
It'd be like marrying a great rutting rabbit.
What have you fallen out about?
I know soft furnishings can be a flashpoint
when you're setting up home.
Yeah, soft furnishings.
Thoughts.
Hello.
Oh, that sounds like a healthy pair of lungs.
It's a boy.
It's a girl.
So what are they going to call her?
They're thinking of calling her Tony with an I.
Oh, now that is nice.
Yeah. Or Bilbo.
Still, you must be so proud.
Yeah, you know.
You did everything right.
I'm really impressed.
Oh, stop it.
Really?
Stop it!
No, don't stop, actually.
Yeah, I'm bored now.
Anyway...
Anyway?
Do you think they're going to get back together again?
Who?
Gary and Dorothy.
Oh.
No, no.
Huh? No?
No, I can't carry on until it's all sorted out.
Dorothy!
We're going downstairs right now to sort this out!
So are we going to get married, then?
Doesn't seem much point.
No.
At least we can both agree that sleeping with other people
doesn't do anyone any good.
No.
Still, I don't suppose I'm the first bloke to send his old
policeman out on special duties to the weekend
before he gets married, eh?
Well, that's the difference, isn't it?
Did I apologise and you boast about it?
I wasn't boasting.
He wasn't boasting.
I wasn't.
Get out, Tony!
What's this?
Oh, no, Debs, please.
That's just a...
Go on, put it on.
No.
Go on, you bought it, put it on.
Don't you think you're taking your medical triumphs
a bit too seriously?
It's only for wearing about the house, you know.
Oh, Tony, Tony!
Oh, your pins are sticking in me.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Our best friend's lives are being decided in the next room.
Oh, please.
How's it going?
It's OK.
Eleven, not bad.
Yeah.
So, me and Debs have decided not to rush into anything.
It's only been five years, you're warming up.
It's like you and marriage, isn't it?
You've taken a cool, calm look at marriage
and you've said yes.
Yes.
Yes, marriage is for me.
So, after the wedding, is Dorothy going to take your name?
I think she's quite attached to Dorothy, actually.
I wouldn't mind changing my name.
Tony Minogue.
Gary Minogue.
Tony Minogue.
Gary Binoche.
Can we get out now?
Yeah.