Hello, I'm Dr. Bob Schwartz.
The information you are about to receive is based on over 25 years of research at Moore
University in California.
My wife Leah, who you will be meeting shortly, and I have been helping couples make their
relationships work better for over a decade.
You've taken the first step.
Just by acquiring this video, you've shown that you want a better relationship, which
is crucial for making any relationship work.
Almost all relationships have problems, and generally they're very similar.
Maybe if any of these problems ring a bell for you.
Has the frequency of lovemaking gone down?
Are you having as much fun as playmates as you did in the beginning of your relationship?
Has the spontaneity gone away to your lovemaking?
Do both of you understand which goals are the most important to make your relationship
work and for both of you to be happy?
Are you arguing more and loving less?
These are just a few among many of problems that couples run into.
The biggest cause of problems in relationships is that we've never been taught the rules
for how to make a relationship work.
Most of us only have our parents as a model, and we think that we can solve any problem
that comes up in a relationship by ourselves.
Although a relationship is one of the most important parts of our lives, unfortunately
nobody teaches us the rules and the skills that really work.
Let's take a look at a couple who is demonstrating the problems that most couples run into.
What is wrong with you?
You are not happy unless you're moaning or complaining about something.
No, you always start it.
I do not.
I am so sick of this.
You know, we need to talk.
This relationship is not working out.
It's not working because I'm not some little puppy dog catering to every whim.
I'm going to take a walk.
Excuse me.
We don't have any fun anymore.
We fight.
We have more bad times than good times, and I'm just afraid that we've come too far to
get back to where we were before.
No matter how far a relationship has gone down, what we found is if there was love there
in the beginning, it can be found there again.
You can end the relationship.
The easiest thing to do is to quit, but the problem is you're just going to repeat the
same mistakes in the next relationship.
These are basically educational problems.
Well, shouldn't we be able to figure this out on our own?
That's the mistake that most men make.
We are open to taking golf lessons.
Or tennis lessons.
Yes, but it's really uncomfortable for us sometimes to take relationship lessons, and
yet no one's ever taught us how to really make a relationship work, what the rules are.
So where do we go from here?
The best place to start is to have some goals, some very clear goals.
The goal for the man is usually to be successful with the woman, to win with you.
And the goal for the woman is to be happy, because if you're not happy, nobody's happy.
Another goal that would really help is if you made your relationship more important
than anything or anybody else.
If you don't make your relationship a priority and you put it at the end of your list, then
by the end of the day when you're tired and frazzled, you're not going to really put any
quality attention or time into it.
Well, if my goal is to make her happy and her goal is to be happy, how do we go about
doing that?
By doing your jobs.
Well, what are our jobs?
Your job is to be happy, and the way to do that is by being gratified, and the way you
get gratified is by getting more of what you want.
And how you know whether or not that's happening is there's a light in her eye when she asks
for what she wants, and there's a light in her eye when she gets it.
And your job is to make sure she's happy, and you have to do three things to make sure
that takes place.
Number one, give her more of what she wants.
Number two, give it to her when she wants it, and number three, do it enthusiastically
and give it to her as long as she wants it for her.
If you do those three things, she's going to be much happier and your life's going to
get a lot easier.
Well, why doesn't it work both ways?
Well, because it doesn't.
You see, if you're happy and she's not, then nobody's going to really be happy.
Don't.
What's the matter?
I'm not in the mood.
You're never in the mood anymore.
What's wrong with you?
You shouldn't have to ask that.
You should already know.
I'm not a mind reader.
Well, stop being one.
Well, the frequency of our lovemaking has dropped off quite a bit, and I know I'm always
ready.
This is a very common problem in relationships, and the cause is usually because it's not
as good for her as it is for you.
Why should she want to participate more often if it's not that rewarding or if she's not
being satisfied?
And it's not your fault.
It's just that no one has taught us as men how to satisfy the woman that we love every
time.
I mean, when I ask most people, when their parents talk to them about such things, the
answer is usually nothing.
So we learn on the playground from our friends who are the same age as we are when we hit
which is about 12 or 13 years old, and we wind up with this 12 or 13 year old education.
So taking that into an adult marriage or relationship is usually the cause of most women's dissatisfaction
in that area.
Also, she's probably angry with you.
She's probably not getting what she wants, or she's upset about something, and you don't
know what it is because you don't have enough attention on her.
And she could be withholding sex because she's punishing you.
She's punishing me?
Yes.
You can always tell when you're being punished because you may not know intellectually, but
you can tell from the way you feel.
You just don't feel real good.
She can be saying the nicest words in the world, but if you feel terrible inside when
she's saying them, she's beating you up.
Why should I make him feel great?
He doesn't make me feel great.
He makes me angry most of the time, and I think he does it on purpose.
I really do.
You see, she's not being satisfied romantically or physically in the bedroom, and it's because
you've just never been taught how to do that.
So what we're suggesting is that you learn more about her body and what feels good to
her, and there are two communication techniques that we're going to teach you that will help
you overnight improve your sex life.
What kind of communication techniques?
One of them is that you want to get information from her.
See, she knows that you think you know more about her body than she does because you never
ask questions.
Isn't that right?
See, for a guy, that's normal.
When we get lost on the freeway, we don't pull over and ask for instructions, and in
the bedroom we're not any different.
We just keep driving until we fall asleep or run out of gas.
So one of the ways that you can get information from her is by asking her simple questions.
These are yes or no questions.
They're not judgmental questions.
It doesn't take a lot of thinking on her part because you don't want her to think too much.
She's in a feeling mode at that point, and if she goes up in her head and tries to think
of an answer that won't hurt your feelings, she's going to get out of the mood real quickly.
So this is what you do.
You do three things.
Number one, you ask her a question that can be answered yes or no, like, would you like
me to move a quarter inch to the left?
And she either says yes or no.
And then if she says yes, you do it, and then a few moments later you say, would you like
me to move further to the left?
And if she says yes again, you just keep moving in that direction.
If she ever says no, then find out if she wants you to back up a little bit.
Do you want me to move further to the right?
If she says no twice in a row, then you're right on the spot.
And this is how you get information from a woman.
This is how you find out exactly what she wants, when she wants it, and how long she
wants it for.
Now her part in this, in what we call the communication cycle, there's three parts to
it.
The first part is that what she does is she already acknowledges that what you're doing
feels good.
She starts from that what you're doing now feels good.
So the way she does that is she would say, honey, that feels wonderful.
Then the second step in this cycle of communication is she would make a request to you, a specific
simple request that you will win at.
And what that would sound like is, honey, would you move to the left a little bit?
And what really matters here is not necessarily that you move to the left exactly where she
wants you to, but just the fact that you responded and even moved a little bit to the left, which
is great.
Then what she gets to do, because you've done that, is to say to you, thank you, that was
great.
Then she starts the cycle all over again with, that feels so good, honey, would you move
to the left a little more?
And each time you respond to her, she knows that you're listening, that you really want
to please her, and you're giving her exactly what she wants, and you're getting what you
want, which is information on how to please her in this area, which is so difficult for
men because they're very sensitive when it comes to pleasing the woman in that area of
the bedroom.
Then she follows it up again with the third part, which is to say thank you again.
And that's what we recommend that you do, and that's her way of giving you information.
And then, of course, what you're doing is requesting information, but we'll tell you
how to do that, what's step first.
We also call this swallowing or polishing what you have, because a lot of times with
a woman she will ask for what she wants, and then she'll ask for something else, and then
she'll ask for something else, and all the man hears is, I want, I want, I want, I want,
I want.
And it's not very inspiring for him, it demotivates him.
But if you swallow, if you enjoy what he's giving you, then that inspires him to want
to give you even more of that.
And when you polish what you have, when you appreciate it, when you enjoy it, when you
have fun with it, you become very attractive.
One of the most attractive things a woman can do is have fun.
And so the more fun she's having with what you're doing to her or for her, the more attractive
she's going to be to you, and the more you're going to want to do things for her.
Well, it really sounds good, but I'm having my doubts about my ability to please her.
There are only two reasons why a man doubts himself.
One, he's failing, or two, he's not getting acknowledged.
So he doesn't know whether he's failing or not.
He's in mystery about it.
He's not getting any reality on what's going on.
And when that's going on with him, what we need to know as women is that what it's really
a request for is some encouragement and for some acknowledgement.
For instance, if we're talking about in the bedroom, all he wants to hear from you is,
Honey, you're doing fine.
Thank you.
That really, you are going in the right direction, and it is getting better.
So that gives him some reality that he's moving in the right direction, because that's what
he wants to be able to do, is he wants to be successful at pleasing you.
And what he really wants to hear is for you to someday say, it's your fault I'm so happy.
Oh, yeah.
That I have such a great life.
It's your fault I'm having such a good time.
We just don't seem to have any fun anymore.
I mean, is that normal after you've been together for a while that you just don't have fun anymore?
Most relationships go downhill, and fun is one of the areas that goes downhill first.
The major reason there's not as much fun now as there was in the beginning of the relationship
is you're not making fun a priority.
You've become bill payers or parents or homeowners, but what got you together in the first place
was that you were playmates and you've stopped doing things together that are fun.
You've stopped asking yourself, how can we have fun with this?
I mean, there are going to be things in your life that don't look like a lot of fun to tackle.
But if you were to look at them from that point of view and ask yourself that question,
you could add a lot more fun to your life.
And you could also be deliberate about the fun you're having, especially in the bedroom.
Sex is an important issue here.
You can have a lot of fun with it, or it can cause you a lot of problems.
It depends on how you approach it.
One of the things that we recommend are those two videos that have just come out called
The Ultimate Guide to Totally Satisfying Any Woman Every Time and The Companion, The
Ultimate Guide to Totally Satisfying Any Man Every Time.
These are great excuses to practice having fun together.
Because if you set aside time, like make a date, and then show up and practice the technique
that's in the video, not only are you going to improve your sexual and your sensual skills
and improve your relationship, but you're going to have a lot more fun both in and outside
the bedroom.
Well, why can't she initiate lovemaking?
Well, why should I make you happy when you don't make me happy?
You see, what happens is two out of three times a woman is not satisfied, either romantically
or physically, in the bedroom.
In other words, to put it bluntly, she's probably not having orgasms.
And the reason she's not having orgasms is because you've never been taught how to really
give her the most possible pleasure for the longest period of time.
If it was a lot of fun for her, she would probably want to initiate a lot more often.
But only 19% of American women actually initiate lovemaking.
And that will cut your lovemaking in half.
Because if she's waiting around for you to initiate, then right there it's about half
of what it will normally be.
So one of the things that we learn to do is to teach women how to initiate lovemaking
in a way that's fun for them, in a way that is effective so that every time she does it,
she knows she's going to win with you.
Hi.
You want to do something tonight?
Oh, man, I'm exhausted.
You come home every night and you plop yourself on the couch with your newspaper in front
of the TV.
You don't move.
You're becoming a real bore.
I've been working all day.
I'm exhausted.
Oh, and I don't?
You treat your friends better than you treat me.
We never have time to make love anymore.
He comes home from work.
I come home from work.
We're both tired.
We go to bed.
We get up.
We go to work.
We do the same thing over and over again.
See, in the beginning of the relationship, there was time.
There were more windows of opportunity to make love.
It seemed.
However, you were doing a lot of things that you've stopped doing, like you've stopped
scheduling time to be together.
We used to call that dating.
Remember?
I don't mean going to movies or restaurants, but setting aside time just to be romantic
and intimate with each other and practicing these techniques that are in these new videos
is a great excuse to do that.
So what you do, it's like tennis.
If you and I were going to play tennis, we wouldn't wait until we were both in the mood
at the same time, or the moon was full, or the music was just right.
We make a date, and then the time comes around, and maybe I don't feel exactly like going
to play tennis, but I've made the date, so I go anyway, and I know it's going to be a
lot of fun.
And when I'm finished, I'm so glad I did it, and that's how lovemaking can be for you.
You need to be more deliberate about it.
You need to plan it and make it a priority in your relationship, because it does support
your relationship.
It brings you closer together.
It makes you more intimate and romantic, and it forces you to communicate at this whole
new level of romance and intimacy.
Why do you always make promises and never keep them?
Why do you do that?
What do I do what?
Make promises and never keep them.
It's not like I do it on purpose.
I mean, something more important always comes up.
Yeah, that's it.
Something always more important comes up, more than me.
I just can't win with you.
He constantly breaks his promises to me, so I can't trust him anymore.
It's not that I don't want to.
I do.
I really do.
I try so hard.
How do I do that?
How do I trust him again?
See, we're talking about telling the truth, and when you break a promise or you lie to
someone, then what you do is damage them.
And it could be a very small broken promise.
You could say, I'll be home at 5, and you come home at 5.15, but for 15 minutes, she's
worried about where are you.
That's the damage you've done.
So what you need to do in those instances is be aware of what your promises are.
And then you say, listen, acknowledge what you did.
Say I told you I'd be home at 5.
It's 5.15.
Is there anything I can do to make up for being late?
And then it's either yes or no.
Now sometimes you'll know that she'll say, no, it's fine, and inside you won't feel right.
Because she's not giving you a lot of reality on what you're feeling, but try twice more.
And you'll say, you know, I feel like you're a little upset about this.
Is there something that you want to say to me about it?
And if she says no, it's fine.
Ask one more time.
Say, you know, are you okay?
And if she says yes, say, good, I've asked three times, I'm going to quit now.
And so then you can go on, but you've completed the cycle for her.
Well, why three times?
It's a baseball thing.
Three strikes and you're out.
You give her three chances to respond, and then let her know you're not going to give
her any more chances.
In that cycle of communication, so what you may do is ask her three times, and she may
say no, so you can end that communication cycle for the moment.
You can come back an hour later, and you can ask again, what can I do to make up for that?
And also, I wanted to add to that, that you don't lie to your friends.
You don't break your promises to your friends.
Someone who's important to you, you tell the truth to, and you keep your word.
You do what you say you're going to do.
Now, sometimes it's true.
You may say you're going to do something, and you don't.
However you let that person know, and you can say, you can call someone at 430, and
you can say, I know I said I was going to be there at 5, and now I'm going to be there
at 515.
So at least that person now knows, and they feel as though they matter to you.
One of the most important things in a relationship, we feel, is telling the truth.
But there are two communication cycles, or what we call truth processes, that we really
recommend you use.
One is to clear the space every once in a while.
That's sort of jorganic, but it's when you kind of know that you're not feeling real
close or intimate.
You know, like there's this guard all shield between you, and you know, like something's
wrong but you don't quite know what it is.
This comes from a place called Moore University, and it goes like this.
It's a very simple process where it's called the withhold process, and what you do is this.
You say, Bob, I have a withhold from you.
Would you like to hear it?
I'm really frustrated.
Thank you.
Now here's what we did.
She asked me, she told me she had a withhold from me, and she asked me, do I want to hear
it?
So I get to say yes or no, and I said yes.
Then she told me what the withhold was.
I didn't comment, I didn't react, I just heard it.
And then I said thank you to end the cycle, and I don't get to bring it up anymore when
she does that.
In other words, she just gets to let me know what's going on with her, and it stops.
Now that could trigger something in me, and later on I could say, Leah, I have a withhold
from you.
Would you like to hear it?
Yes.
It really upset me today when you told me that you were not going to go with me to the
movies tonight.
Thank you.
Oh, that's it.
I just, I get to say what's on my mind, get it off my chest.
It's a way of releasing those communications that you hold back, because that's a form
of lying, a very small one, but it still does a lot of damage, because you're lying by withholding
information, by withholding what you feel, or you're thinking, or what you've done or
not done from someone who's supposed to be your best friend.
There are six things you must do when you're telling someone this kind of withhold, this
thing that you've done or haven't done that you know is going to cause a lot of upset
or hurt them very deeply, and so the main thing is preparing them.
See, if I come up behind her and I slap my hands together real loud like that, it scares
her.
She's surprised, and it hurts.
It's like ants bite you all over if someone's ever done that to you, and they laugh and
it's not that funny, because it's hurt you physically.
People don't like surprises, especially when it's bad news, so you want to prepare them,
prepare their listening, it's call, so they can hear what you're saying, and they'll be
set for it.
If they're set for it, they're fine.
If I told her, Lee, I'm going to come up behind you and I'm going to count to three, and then
I'm going to slap my hands real loud together, I can go one, two, three, and that's fine.
It doesn't have the same effect on her, so what I'm going to do is prepare her for this
bad information, the same information, but look how I do it.
First is called, don't try to hit a moving target, because what you want to find out
if this person has the time or the attention to listen to you right now, so I would say
something like, Leah, I have something very important to tell you, do you have about three
minutes right now?
Yes.
So great.
The second thing I do is I let her know how hard this is for me.
This is really hard for me to tell you about.
Now, it may be hard for several reasons.
It could be hard because I know I'm going to get punished for this, or it could be hard
because I know it's going to upset her a lot.
The third thing I do is I tell her all the fears that I have about telling her.
I don't tell her, but I tell her all the fears that I have about telling her.
So I say, Leah, I'm afraid to tell you this because I think you're going to get real angry
at me.
I'm pretty sure of it.
And she goes, okay.
And I say, and the other thing is, you know that romantic date we had planned tonight?
I'm afraid you're going to call it off when I tell you this.
And the other thing is that I know you're going to be real upset because this is really
going to destroy your plans, at least for the near future.
And the worst thing is that you're going to tell me that you've already told me so, that
if I had listened to you, this wouldn't have happened.
Okay, so those are my fears, say.
Now the next thing I'm going to do, the fourth thing, is I'm going to make what's called
an ideal request.
I'm going to ask for something maybe unreasonable, but boy, if I had a magic wand and I could
have it any way I wanted it, it would be just like this, and it would be like something.
Listen, when I tell you this, would you promise not to get angry at me?
Okay, I promise not to get angry at you.
Now she's probably lying, but it doesn't matter if she says yes or no.
And she could say something like, I can't promise that because I don't know what you
did.
It's like asking me for a blank check and telling me that you will fill in the numbers.
But it's important that I ask because it sets her up to actually hear what I'm going to
say and actually respond in a little bit more favorable way than if I hadn't asked for what
I wanted.
Also, a lot of times what women will ask for is they'll ask the man to just listen until
they're finished to not interrupt because a lot of times when you're interrupted you
lose your train of thought and you forget to tell the person everything.
So you could say, would you just promise to let me say everything I have to say and then
when I'm finished you get to talk when you promise that.
So that may be what you would ask for.
Now the fifth step is when I actually am going to tell her this thing that I've been withholding
from her.
And yet I need to start at the beginning of the story.
A lot of times it's so fresh to us that we start at the end of the story and they're
lost about what went on.
So I'm going to start at a place that's very kind of neutral and safe.
Like Leah, remember this morning when I was leaving for work and I asked to take your
car and remember what you said?
You said you'd rather me take my car but then I told you that your car was in back of mine
and I'd have to move them and I didn't have time and you said okay, kind of reluctantly.
Well I was driving to work and it was raining and I ran into somebody, I wrecked your car
and it's awful.
I mean I think it's total, the wrecker had to come and tow it away and he took me and
dropped me off at work and I don't know what we're going to do.
So my first question to you would be is are you okay?
Thank you.
Yes, I'm fine.
Okay good.
And I've finished, that's all I've got to tell you.
Now I go to number six which is now she gets to talk and I get to listen but the most important
thing is that I want to make sure that no matter what she says I'm looking for the good
in what she says, the thing that she's going to say to me that's right.
She may say three things and two of them are tacky and terrible but one of them is true
and I'm going to agree with that one and just forget about the other two or if she says
something that's totally ridiculous, I'll just say something like well I'm sorry you
feel that way, is there anything else but I'm going to keep saying is there anything
else until I get everything that she's got to say about this incident out.
So it would go like this.
So one, I wanted to know are you okay?
Yes.
Okay good.
How come you didn't listen to me this morning?
You're right, I should have listened to you.
That you see what happened, that was quick but she ran out of arrows because I wasn't
resisting.
See normally I would say well it wasn't my fault your car was behind mine and then we
would do this thing and this is a lot of fun.
You can do this for 20 years, you're fighting.
She says you're wrong, I say no I'm not, I'm right.
But if she goes you're wrong, you're wrong.
This isn't much fun and see I'm not resisting her, I'm not arguing with her, I'm not making
what she's saying wrong, I'm actually trying to agree with it as much as I can.
I mean it was stupid that I didn't listen to her and then when she said something else
it was like well I'm sorry you feel that way.
Is there anything else?
Yeah, I'm really hurt that you did that.
I can understand, I think if it was the other way around I would be a little hurt too.
You know if I did that to your car what would you do?
Oh I'd be so mad at you.
You're being real nice about this, I mean I mean we're too nice but you're being much
nicer than I would have been.
But see I just, she keeps shooting arrows into me and my job is to open up that you
know that armor you normally wear, to open it up so those arrows can go right straight
in and then as she shoots one into me I go ow and then I open up wider for the next arrow.
And that's an important point that ow.
One of the things men need to learn to do is to say ouch quicker because a lot of times
when they're beating up on us and we're being John Wayne like oh that's just the flesh
wasn't nothing to worry about.
They get real upset because they don't feel like they have an impact on us.
They don't have an effect on you.
Right, so every time if I say ouch that hurt, ooh that really got me, she likes it now because
she knows she's having an effect on me and she'll stop a lot sooner.
So once she's said everything there is to say then that communication is over, it's
complete.
Now she may think of something else and of course I need to make up for it, I need to
get the car fixed because I wrecked her car, it's my responsibility, I'll go into action
about that.
Do you see how that was now complete?
But if I had kind of made an excuse up like it wasn't my fault, an excuse doesn't fix
the car, an excuse doesn't make up for the damage that I did for her.
It just keeps the problem going and perpetuating whereas when you tell the truth you can start
getting to work on what you need to get working on.
Because if you're lying about it then you've got to figure out what the lie is about and
how come he's lying and clean it all up.
And also there's two reasons why people lie.
Two basic reasons and one is to avoid punishment, another one is to look good.
And if you make it safe enough for the person to tell the truth, they will tell the truth.
However what happens is that sometime in the relationship one of you told the truth to
each other and you beat the person up for doing that and they said I don't like the
way that feels so I'm going to do something different so I don't have to be beat up.
Maybe what I'll do is not tell the truth.
So if you beat him up every time he tells the truth, he's not stupid.
He's going to start hiding what he does from you and that's a form of lying.
Withholding is when you're withholding information from someone and if this is your best friend
you're supposed to be able to tell each other everything.
That's what makes you closer together.
And so you only lie to people that aren't your friends and anybody you lie to, you like
them less.
It's not the other way around.
You don't lie to your friends, you lie to people that you don't care about because once
you lie to them you're even going to like them less, especially if they believe you're
lying.
Why is that?
It's just the way it is.
It seems like that when you lie to someone, check it out next time, you notice you don't
feel as good about them.
One, they didn't have enough attention on you to realize that it was a lie in the first
place.
A lie doesn't bring you closer to that person, it takes you further away from that person.
That makes sense.
So what we're saying is that one of the things that really makes a relationship work is telling
the truth.
And you can use these two truth processes to bring yourselves closer together.
And you can do it every day or once a week or every time an incident comes up.
But anytime you're not feeling connected, what we recommend is that you say something
to each other like, I'm not feeling real close to you, let's see, what is it that I don't
want to tell you about?
Because the moment you start talking about what you don't want to say, you go back in
communication and you start feeling closer together.
He doesn't acknowledge me.
I may as well not be here.
He pays me no attention.
Caroline, let me ask you a question.
Is that really true that he doesn't pay any attention to you?
Well sometimes.
Okay.
Thank you for saying that.
Now I can go from somewhere with that response.
Because what's happening is mostly what he hears is what I just heard you say, which
is a lot of complaining.
He hears how he never does anything, that all you do is tell him what he hasn't done
rather than what he has done.
And if what you want is for him to pay attention to you, what you want to do is begin with
a time when he did.
You want to build on something that he already did and he was good at it to go to the next
level, which is better, rather than complaining.
Because all complaining does, it's not an aphrodisiac.
It doesn't inspire him to want to give you what you want, which is for him to pay attention
to you.
So what I'm going to recommend that you do is go back in your mind to a time when he
did.
And how you can start this cycle of communication with him is you can say, honey, a couple of
weeks ago we spent an hour talking and it felt so wonderful.
I just really felt loved and I felt cherished.
Would you do that with me again?
See at that point he has done it and you were happy that he did so it made him feel
good to do that and he knows that he can win with it because he's done it before.
Then he'll do it again and at the end of that you'll thank him and you'll say thank you
for doing that.
So then both of you feel really good at the end of that request, but you've made a clear
request to him.
Yes.
See if you want more of something, enjoy it more.
And the way you enjoy something is you enjoy looking forward to getting it and then you
enjoy getting it and then you enjoy talking about it or using it after you get it.
And the more you enjoy something, the more fun you have with it, the more excited he's
going to get and the more attractive you're going to become to him.
Just like with you, you love to be around people that are having a lot of fun.
They're attractive to you.
Well you're attractive to him when you're having fun and he really gets inspired when
you enjoy what he gives you.
The most important thing you can do to the woman you love is to give her your full attention.
Now it may seem like she wants it all the time, but she only wants it when she wants
it and nothing is more important than her because if you make reading the paper or watching
television more important than her, then what she feels is she's playing second fiddle
to these things and a woman hates that.
And she's going to punish you at some point in the future very severely for doing that
to her.
And one of the ways she can punish you is by withholding sex from you, since that seems
to be an issue.
What is wrong with you?
What are you talking about?
I don't even like going out with you anymore.
You flirt with everybody.
I wasn't flirting with anybody.
Yes you were.
You're all of that business.
You know, you're so possessive, we can't go anywhere.
You get pissed if I get pet the dog.
Making someone feel jealous is a hateful thing.
In fact, doing something that even though you don't realize it makes the other person
feel jealous is a hateful thing also because you should be very deliberate about your actions.
You ought to come from the idea that if you do something and the other person is upset,
that you did that intentionally and then stop doing that because you don't want to hurt
each other.
It's not a real good thing to do in a relationship, but you're going to do one of those two things,
as I said.
You're either going to do loving things or hateful things.
Yeah, and the question that you can ask yourself when you're about to do something is, is this
going to hurt her or is this going to make her feel good?
And you can ask yourself, what's the goal here in my relationship?
Is it to love this person more or is it to love them less?
He doesn't make me feel good.
I feel so ugly and unattractive and you just don't make me feel good.
One of the things that women do when they look in a mirror that's different than what
men do is they usually look for what's wrong with them.
Then, if they're married or in a relationship, they usually call their partner over and say,
come here, look how fat I'm getting, look at this cellulite, look at these wrinkles.
The guy usually thinks that she looks pretty good and he says, honey, I think you look
great and she says, shut up, I'm fat.
Now if you're telling that over and over and over, pretty soon you're probably going to
convince him that you're not as attractive as he thinks you are.
And then one day you wake up and he isn't being attracted to you and you wonder what
happened.
You may have caused that yourself.
Now from your standpoint as a man, you're letting her talk about your best friend in
a very derogatory way.
So you have to do something about taking a stand of not putting up with that.
When she starts running herself down, you've got to stop her from doing that in some gentle,
kind, loving way.
Well just say please don't do that and have her start to focus on the things about herself
that she can find that she can approve of.
Now for some people it may just be their fingernails.
They may approve of those and say, well, yeah, those are nice fingernails and just have her
concentrate on just the things about herself that she can find that you like and then you
can help.
You can say, you know what I really love about you baby?
I love your back.
It's just so sexy.
It's so wonderful.
I love your neck and your ears.
You've got the sexiest ears in the world.
And your feet.
Oh, I just can't wait till you take your shoes off.
I just love looking at your feet.
And you say that over and over again.
Now you may get tired of saying it, but she'll never get tired of hearing about how attractive
she is because it's very important to her to know that she's attractive.
Constantly in our intimate relationship with the man in our life, we doubt our attractiveness.
So something that's very important for you as the man to know is to give her reality
on her attractiveness, not on her unattractiveness.
And as Bob was saying, let her know how beautiful she is and what's beautiful about her.
And put attention on that because as you put attention on that, she can start to put attention
on that.
I just feel so discouraged.
She doesn't notice the nice things I do for her.
It's a complaint that a lot of men have.
They say things like, you know, I do all these things right and I don't hear anything about
them.
I do one thing wrong and she's all over me.
And what makes you think is that when you're doing those things that you think are right,
maybe they're not right in the first place because if they're right, she would have least
said thank you.
In fact, a lot of times I ask guys, when was the last time your wife said thank you?
And they look very embarrassed because they can't remember.
And yet in the beginning of the relationship, you know how we are with each other.
We focus on what we like about the other person and what we approve of and everything
that time they do something, we just can't tell them often enough how great it is.
And then a few years later or a few children later, seems like we drop that out.
So what I recommend for you to make your relationship work better is to start thanking each other
more often and not just once.
See if you can thank each other maybe even six times for the same thing.
I'll tell you one thing, he'll never get tired of you thanking him for doing something.
You can thank him a hundred times for something that he did right that really made you happy.
He'll eat it up every time.
And you can acknowledge her a hundred times for a time that she was really being attractive
and she will love that.
She will eat that up.
So start giving each other what you really want, which is acknowledgement and thank yous
and appreciation and approval because that's what love is.
Love is just high approval and hate is very, very low approval or total disapproval.
So when you're disapproving of someone, it's really on the hate track and when you're approving
of what somebody's doing, you're in the love track.
I love to give attention to people that I love.
I really do.
I like to spoil them and I really want to do that for him but when he doesn't reciprocate
to me, I get kind of selfish and I don't really want to do it anymore.
How can I get that back?
How can I learn?
Now that I think you're understanding that he's going to be very committed to making
you happy and to your goals, you're going to want to reciprocate maybe more often and
do that as long as you enjoy it and it's fun for you but don't break the number one
rule and the number one rule is only contribute from your surplus.
See, if you do something for him from your surplus, like you've got surplus energy or
surplus time or surplus resources, you'll feel good about giving to him but if you're
doing it from scarcity, if you're tired or you don't have enough for yourself or you're
not in the mood to do it and you do it anyway, you're going to feel like you've been taken
advantage of and then it's not going to make any difference if you're doing something he
wants you to do or not.
It's going to cost him in the long run.
Now I understand.
When I make her happy, I win all the way around.
Exactly.
Now you have it.
Great.
Now you have the basic tools and elements that have been proven to work.
You may not think they will but even if you're skeptical, try this method wholeheartedly
at least once.
We guarantee that you'll be amazed with the results you produce.
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