Now, nothing is taped and these are the people who make it all happen.
Meet our director, Joe Murray.
Hi, Tony.
Nice shot, Joe. Top marks.
And here's one of our young writers, Tommy Gleisner,
still penning the punchlines as the show goes to air to make sure it's fresh.
Great gag, Tommy. Very topical.
And let's not forget the technical boffins whose wizardry beams the late show live in the lounge room.
Jim, explain for our viewers what, say, this button here does.
Hi. I'm here with the control room of The Late Show.
This is where the magic happens because, of course, we're coming to you live.
Didn't I just do this?
Oh, my God!
You'll do yourselves an injury, honestly.
That's enough of that.
Thank you. Thank you for joining us for another Late Show Live across Australia.
No, really.
And a lot of people don't know that we're on it this time.
It's kind of a weird time, 10 o'clock, but you've got some good news.
Yes, yes, I do. I've been speaking to the head of the ABC publicity department,
and they've assured us we are now going to be the first television show in history
to be advertised on that new big billboard in space.
So that's a bit of a breakthrough for The Late Show.
Now, make this billboard in space. It's a real thing. It's, uh, what's going on?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, NASA have developed it. It's just this mother of a billboard.
It's about four miles long, about three miles wide.
It just sits up in space, and you can't miss it.
And we're going to be mentioned on it, aren't we?
Yeah, I think so. Although I was kind of hoping it was going to be a billboard for those burly bras,
because you don't know how, but you've just got a feeling you knew those women were going to graffiti it somehow, didn't you?
And you'll just wake up the next morning and get out of bed and you go,
Christ, I don't know how they did it, but they've done it.
It's a good feel, then, an ever-expanding one, billboard vandalism, Mick.
There's a great one up by me for Deodora Shoes. It's the one with Boris Becker on it, and it says,
how'd you like to be in my shoes? And somebody's got up and added, what, the shoes of an insane German who keeps losing at Wimbledon.
So I think that's fair enough. It's great stuff.
But that word Wimbledon tone, it's my favorite time of the year.
After the show tonight, I'll be going home to watch it, because I just love it.
And what's your favorite event, then? My favorite? Well, women's tennis time.
Oh, it's lunch! It's a turn-on, isn't it, Mick? I love it.
Find me at any adult video shop. Always find Mick Malloy prowling around the women's tennis section.
And who's your favorite? Who do you like best? You won't laugh?
Wendy Turnbull.
She's a horn bag, I have to say.
I'm more an Arantxa Sanches man.
Maybe we should get together for a bit of mixed doubles action.
Anytime you're in, hey, hey, hey.
But look, I have to say, what is the next bit, Mickie?
We were going to introduce, believe it or not... Oh, the bet.
Are we going to talk about the bet? I don't know if we should do that.
OK, well, look, this is a bit unsavory, and we weren't going to talk about it.
But earlier in the week, Mick and myself had a few too many, and made a bit of a bet.
Well, you see, I bet Mick five bucks that he wouldn't run onto the set of the Ernie and Denise show
while it was going to air live, while it was going to air live,
and jump up and down on their couch, wearing only his Bart Simpson underpants.
Now, I don't know... Sorry about this.
I don't know if any of you saw Ernie and Denise on Monday morning, but we've got some...
You people saw it down there, yes?
But we've got some footage. It's not very good quality footage,
because it was filmed under extreme pressure. Have a look. Here's what happened.
OK, Mick, there they are. They're about to go to air live.
What do you think our chances are of getting backstage?
Oh, tone. A piece of piss. I know Pete Smith. He's a good buddy.
OK, let's go.
MUSIC
How are you, everybody?
You all feeling well? You all right? That's good.
Anybody got any good bargains?
My wife got a bargain when she married me.
OK, Mick, they're doing their opening remarks.
Give me your next. Two, please.
Is it Channel 9, please?
That wasn't the General Manager, was it?
See that, Peter? I didn't know that his face was quite cute, was it?
Get out. Get out.
I'll tell you this once again. This is my book.
Where?
What?
She's a Mr Comrade.
CHEERING
Wash up, ladies.
Yes, five bucks well earned, Mickey.
I just hope this starts a bit of a trend in live television.
I'd like to see, say, Burt Newton run onto the set of the 7.30 report
and his wife runs. I'd like to see that.
Maybe Ray Martin jumping onto the desk of Quantum
wearing nothing but his lolly bags. That could be fun.
I think so. Now, look, if you've got any challenges at home for Mick to do
for five bucks, send them in to us. He's open to any offer.
But we should get on with the show and it all starts here
with Tommy G at the News Desk.
CHEERING
Good evening. This is the Late Show News.
And hitting our bulletin tonight, President Clinton rejects claims
he has too many bodyguards.
UN officials still mystified how arms have been smuggled into Bosnia.
And Peter Reath makes surprise announcement at party meeting.
I'm thinking of running for Liberal Party leadership.
But now the news in detail.
And it's been a busy few days for Paul Keating,
who started his tour of Asia this week.
The Prime Minister's first stop was South Korea,
where he made an offering of sandalwood,
a traditional Buddhist mark of respect.
He then made a more Australian offering.
Now, staying overseas, the FBI have foiled a massive plot
by Muslim fundamentalists to blow up the United Nations.
Moves are now underway to arrest the group's leader,
Sheikh Omar Abdelrahman, on charges of extortion, terrorism
and impersonating Ray Charles.
Well, I heard about the fella you've been dancing with
I know when I need...
To sport, and you may have seen this photo in the papers during the week.
It's a fairly famous bunch of spectators enjoying a day out at the tennis.
Which brings us to our quiz question tonight.
What is significant about these men?
Answer, they're the only Australians left at Wimbledon.
Now, speaking of Wimbledon, we can't show you any footage,
because of course it's on another network,
but I do have the latest results here in the paper.
Agassi won, Stik won,
Steffi Graf defeated someone called Khaleesi.
Steffi, of course, still recovering from that incident
in which she was stalked by a crazed German fan.
Am I wrong or crazed German? That's a tautology in my book.
Now, starting with sport, in fact cricket,
and Rob, you've joined me here on the news desk.
Yes, I have, Tommy.
You know, during the course of every week, we turn our...
We turn our comedy flamethrower...
..onto a vast range of subjects.
But every now and again,
the razor-sharp edge of our wit
results in a piece of comedy
that rises above the normally excellent standard
of topicality and satire
and becomes truly champagne sketch comedy.
You're not pulling the piss here, are you?
On me? No, no, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to watch this closely.
It's a topic that many shied away from.
We didn't, and we resulted in champagne sketch comedy.
We give you... We give you...
..the English cricket team doing badly locker room sketch.
Right. Where are the others? At the pub.
They said to start without them.
Look, when I call a training session, I expect people to show up.
We've got a test starting this week. Another one?
How many more of them are there?
I thought I told you to get a haircut.
Come on, lads, let's start with some filming practice.
Let's be cold outside.
Let's do it in here, right?
Come on, fire away.
You're not going to take this seriously.
Come on, lads. Bit of...
Watch out!
Good one! Get down.
Look, I know this hasn't been an easy series.
Believe it or not, some people are even calling for my blood.
But I am the winner of this series.
And what's more, so do the selectors,
because you've all been renamed for the third test.
So, starting tomorrow, we're going to...
APPLAUSE
Without...
Without further ado,
I test the writer of that sketch,
Patoni Gee!
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Please, please.
Be seated.
You're not pulling the piss out of me, are you?
No, no, no.
Well, we'll move on then. Thank you, Rob.
Finally tonight, I've, um...
I've received a complaint here at the news desk
that I never finished the bulletin with a wacky animal story.
Well, you asked for it.
It seems the koala was stuck up a tree
and no amount of coaxing could bring him down.
So police were called in, but they were unable to help.
Enter a wildlife officer with a perfect answer.
Frighten the marsupial down
with a hideous display of bum crack.
That's an animal story. Please, no. Please.
Now, I'm joined at the news desk by Mick,
who I believe has some pertinent points to make
on an issue that, well, it's dominated the press over recent weeks.
Mm, mm. Yes, I do. Thank you, Tommy. Thank you.
Yes, you know, it appalls me, it utterly appalls me
to see an individual of good character attacked, harassed
and ruthlessly hounded by the pack of dogs
we like to call the media.
Now, who are you referring to specifically, Mick?
The Malaysian prince. Tommy, what's his name?
Bah, Bahren Shah.
That poor man. They just won't get off his back, will they?
What's he done to hurt anyone apart from wanting to spend
a little bit of time with his kiddies?
Is that such a horrible thing? Is that such a horrible thing?
All they gave him was access to the kids on a weekend.
Now, most dads in situations like this
would take the youngsters to the footy or the cinema.
But the prince? No! He took them to Malaysia.
How many dads would do that?
Until we hear those kids are loving it.
Tommy, they've been to Bali, to Bangkok.
How bad can that be?
If my old man burst into my house, smuggled me out of the country
and took me on a contiki tour, I'd just go,
you're bloody 15!
It moves me, Tommy!
Get around. Get around.
It moves me. The man has a heart of gold.
He's a good egg, a role model to us all.
Take me. Take me. My old girlfriend, right?
She's always winging me up and asking me to come over
and take care of the kids for a day or a few hours.
And you know what I do? What do you do, Mick?
Well, nothing, because I'm still denying they're mine.
But the point is, if I was a better person,
I wouldn't even have to be asked.
I'd just go over there, nick them and piss off to another country.
Quite frankly, I'm sick of caring, devoted fathers taking the bum rap.
Hang on, are you saying there are others, Mick?
Of course. Woody Allen?
What was his crime? Oh, that's right.
He slept with his daughter. Oh, you bad man. You big bad man.
He's just another innocent victim of gutter journalism,
copped it in the neck from those dirty, mangy hyenas
who make their living hassling good, honest plugs
as you just mind their own business.
I've had a gutful. I've had enough of you.
This little black duck says no more.
You can stick your nose in your face.
That's it. You're stuck in there. You're stuck in there.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Why do I feel tired and run down?
Because I've got a child and I work and I'm a single mum
and I run a household and I've got problems with relationships.
And I don't get enough sleep and I live in the city
and I just try to do too much, I suppose.
Iron? You're not serious.
I've just given you about ten good reasons why I'm completely stuffed
and you're telling me it's lack of iron?
LAUGHTER
You sure are.
And while we're at it, shooting at some black and white
with unflattering lighting and downbeat music doesn't help.
Oh, yeah. That's much better.
Well, I guess I'm tired,
because I was up till 3am watching Wimbledon last night.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm not so much a child who can put me on a sink.
APPLAUSE
Welcome to Head to Head.
Last week, in what many described as a barbaric act,
an Australian was hanged in Malaysia
after waiting on death row for eight years.
To defend his country's actions,
we have Malaysian Foreign Minister Datuk Bagal
and on the other side of the fence,
we have Australian Foreign Minister Gareth Evans.
I'm over here.
I'm sorry, Senator. This is a...
This is a bad old infection.
Look, the accused broke the law and suffered the consequences.
The fact that he was on death row for eight years, well...
Senator Evans?
What can I say to that? It's a very impressive argument.
You're not going to argue the point?
Oh, I was going to. Definitely. I was going to.
But how can you fly in the face of such fine logic?
Couldn't even contemplate a fine adversary.
I have true respect for you.
Despite our drastically opposing views,
I'm not going to go any further apart on this issue.
This is a debate? Yes, it's a very heated one.
Well, you're supposed to disagree.
And I am in a very robust fashion.
So you do disagree. Yes, I do. Good.
With you, not with him.
I mean, your stance is completely outrageous.
He's a fine adversary and he's just representing
his judicial system and I have full respect for that.
How can you respect their judicial system?
You could be flogged in Malaysia for saying that.
Senator, a human being was put away for eight years
and then executed.
Yes, but you must look at the circumstances.
I don't know. I haven't looked at them.
Well, these are the circumstances.
Sentenced to hang for possessing drugs.
Kept on death row for eight years, then executed.
Isn't that barbaric? Don't use that word.
It's out and out barbarism.
Shh! He doesn't know what he's saying.
I mean, it's just a... Don't use that word.
What's your definition of barbarism?
OK, you want my definition of barbarism? Yes, I would like that.
Inviting a guest in, a neighbour from overseas
and not even offering him a drink. Can I get you something?
You're pandering to me. I am not.
You're pandering?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know you're not.
I've been inside you a long flight from Malaysia,
we're going to see the penguins very soon.
I'm sorry, I think you're both living in the dark ages.
Yes, you are. You're living in the dark ages.
Make your escape now, my liege. Quickly! Flee, my liege!
Ha ha ha ha! God seize him!
You've left me on merry dancehood!
But now not even a forest is mine!
Ha ha ha!
APPLAUSE
I don't know.
APPLAUSE
I don't know.
Malaysian Foreign Minister or Scott from Thunderbird 1. I'm not really sure but
time for music now and we've got the new single from Things of Stone and Wood.
How can I forget that day? Yeah, how we walked along the Yarra to the MCG and then to the
tennis center. Through the Backstreet Mall and down the block of Payne. Caught the 96
tram to St. Kilda Esplanade. Saw the Westgate Bridge from the top of Linder Street clocks.
Saw the new Yangs real clear from the foot of Mount Dandenong. We just run out of Melbourne
cliches. Oh no! We just run out of Melbourne cliches. Oh no! So we went on down along to the
Victorian Tourist Bureau. Got heaps of ideas for places we've never even been to. Like
Sovereign Hill and Healdsville Sanctuary. The Brighton Seabar and some kiosks at the end of the pier.
We went down to a place I think it was Captain Cook's Cabin. We're not all that sure but at least it rhymes with
Moravian. Got no more Melbourne cliches. Oh no! Got no more Melbourne cliches. Oh no! Got no more Melbourne cliches. Oh yeah, got one more.
Why do I feel tired and run down? I don't. In fact I feel like going out. I'll start with a jog, then drop into Dave's, have a few beers, kick the footy around, help Robbo with his car, build a barbecue and then I can grab a counter
and have a tea at the pub on the way to the Bucks party. After that play poker all night before going fishing at the Cracker Dawn. Yeah, yeah good one. Geez I think I've got a steak.
And you know I just don't know which one of those guys I want to date first. But you know we're going to do something very exciting now, very exciting and very live. We're going to say hello to a couple of people
and find out what they do for a living on national television. Mr Stripey Shirt, hello. What's your name? Paul. Paul and Paul what do you do? I'm an accountant. You're an accountant? So's my father, isn't that an amazing coincidence?
Not that funny but never mind. Now Paul do you ever find that you ever get sexually harassed at work? You know you ask a chick to make you a cup of tea and she says oh not unless you sleep with me, anything like that? Happens all the time yeah. Happens all the time. Liar liar pants on fire I think.
Hello. We're looking very, no I'm actually here and you're waving off to some magical thing over there. Now that's an interesting outfit but we won't touch on that. You're looking very Indian but now what's your name? Jodie. Jodie and Jodie what do you do? I work at an Indian store.
Well by heavens there's nothing like being a walking advertisement is there Jodie? You've come out there and that's shameless really isn't it? Now do you ever find where you work the boys get a bit cheeky at all? There are no boys. There are no boys? So you're never sexually harassed? You haven't lived.
Because let's face it sexual harassment is actually a very serious matter it's on the increase and I'm sorry girl but myself included I think a lot of us are just asking for it and to help me demonstrate this point I've got Mick Malloy in a lovely blouse and skirt.
Wipe that smile off your face pal. Got you Mark pal. You can't blame the guy. What can I say but that is tripping my trigger. It's not bad is it? It's not bad. Do you think it's me? I think it pews I would never have picked it but yes. It's a bit of a story it's Autumn Colours. It's a miniseries. I feel ever so good.
You thought he was sexy and those jocks and then you just went ohhhh. But look leaving Mick's raw sexuality aside for a moment and nobody said that was going to be easy. While we're on the outfit I think I'm speaking for a few women here often I'll buy things deliberately because they're provocative and if they're not provocative I'll make them provocative. How many times have I done this? Mick could you turn around please?
Check out my buns and give them a squeeze. And a bloody tempting offer that is too. But I mean that's just madness isn't it? And let's just take a step into the actual office. How many times have men told me about conversations like this? We're delighted you've joined the company but I'm afraid I didn't catch your name miser.
No no no come on don't you worry about things like that. Just call me bitterskirt legs or love chunks. I think it's going to be love chunks. Love chunks what are you holding there? You mean this? Oops.
See it's such a common misconception that men bring pornography into the workplace isn't it? I mean I think I'm speaking for a few chicks here when I say I was hang out for my copy of Top Heavy Babes. But sorry about that.
No no no that's very funny that is. That's very funny just when I'm having a bad buzzy day. Can we just leave? Oh for crying out loud. There's a little bit of Benny Hill in the camera crew. Stick your finger in your ear and go to you like a loon.
But now what about exchanges like this? You're an intelligent woman and a snappy dresser. A valiant employee whom I've always liked and respected in a purely platonic sense who would never patronise. I'd like your informed opinion on the company's latest proposal.
Oh sorry what was that? I wasn't paying attention. I was just thinking about getting my bikini line waxed. Look I'll tell you what why don't I make you a cup of tea and give your trousers a quick press and please when you're talking to me don't look at my face. Hello! Check out them buzzy's.
We've all done that haven't we girls by crikey and it's all because we just don't stink. I mean tonight I nearly came out wearing nothing but high heels and a rubber band. What do you do?
It could happen to anyone Judith. Look can I give you a bit of advice? Can I give you a tip as a sister? Absolutely. Well I've been thinking about and I think I've worked out what your problem is. Answer me these questions. These simple questions. Do you have breasts?
Yeah. See I thought you did. Do you have female genitalia? You've got me again. Well then you're just begging for it you trollop. Aww I'm a slut. You're a whore. You'll be on the football team after the show. In the bar Simpson-Jones. Oh no I like the outfit. I like the pews. Let's get out of here.
You're now watching Rob Sitch and his assistant Mick preparing stunts for an upcoming movie. Over the next few days we're going to take you behind the scenes of Karate Kid 4.
This is the ancient preparation for all martial arts. You may have seen it before. Mick try and take the stone from my hand. I like it better when you call me grasshopper. Alright grasshopper take the stone from my hand.
Now what? Best of seven Mick. Give me a new truck. Alright give me a look at that rock. Alright set him in for you Mick. It's not been blessed by the dojo. Best of 23.
Give me a look at that rock. Give me a look at the rock Mick. Which hands are these? I'm not playing your silly games Mick. That one. No. Mick I just want that rock. I don't want this in.
What are you doing with the dummy Rob? We're testing your stunt. You've got to test every stunt. I mean you just can't hit Ralph over the head with a block of wood. Ralph Macchio? No no Ralph Malf. From Happy Days.
Yeah yeah they couldn't afford Ralph Macchio. Anyway let's do this same technique. Are you still in pain Rob? No. From the graceless cocoon emerges the graceful butterfly. Is that an oriental saying?
Oh no I read it in this life's little instruction book today. It's part of the final scene. Tell me where the hero Dick's the owner of the laundromat. And does Mick know karate? No he doesn't but he can stand in for the moment. I'll try not to hurt him. Stand back.
It won't be so easy this time Mick. I'm going to teach him a lesson in the ancient art of focus and concentration. I think I've learnt my lesson. You'll see how quick Mr Speedy Legs is this time.
Okay Mick let's see who's boss. Who is boss? Rob do you have any special preparation for a role such as this or is it just a stunt?
It's not a stunt. I don't know I immerse myself in oriental thoughts and cultures. I do what oriental people do. And what's that? I sing karaoke.
Welcome to the temple Tom. Thank you Rob I'm very impressed. Boys boys. It's a very spiritual very sacred place. Very spacious too you can get two cars in here. Japanese tea Tom? Yes thanks. Good. Could you tell us about the stunt? Sure.
I'm going to be lifting that cauldron full of hot coals with my forearms in the manner of the ancient Shinto ritual. But surely you'll burn yourself. Mine never matter. I won't feel a thing.
Rob you're obviously fascinated by oriental culture. Yes I am. I've been collecting oriental artifacts for many years. This is a thousand year old samurai sword. It's never been out of its sheath. Rob where are one of your sandwiches?
I know this one. You've got to walk across the rice paper without breaking it. Slight variation. You've actually got to walk across a whole bed of new ideas without stepping on a story about Sophie Formica. Watch out Rob.
Georgie Parker. Thanks man. In an exhibition of mind over matter I will burn the ancient Shinto symbols into my forearms. Into his forearms.
Water. Get me water. Get me water. Go water. Thanks water. Are you okay Rob? Well at least you managed to get the symbol burnt into your arms. Can we have a look?
What's happened? Oh Studio Not Happy or whatever. It often happens on films. Happen on Proof. You were involved with Proof? Oh yeah. We were involved in Proof. Had to rewrite the whole story. You know Hugo Weaving? The blind character. Yeah. He wasn't originally blind. Mick? Yes Mick blinded him. But it wasn't his fault. I mean everyone knows that when you go to do a three stooges curly you put your hand up like that. I mean Hugo it's his own fault and Mick was wrongly accused. So what's this new scene? It's just a ninja jumping back onto the roof of the building set.
It's a bit of an old favourite but the producers want it. It's not actually as dangerous as it looks. You see the ninja going oop onto the roof of the building. But in actual fact it's a ninja on the roof of the building jumping down. We reverse the footage. It's like that. It's not that dangerous. Mick built the pagoda of the sacred cauldron and he's put mattresses down here so I'll be able to jump off with safety.
What's wrong? Whenever I hear that music I get a little worried. Not shit scared but a little worried. Mick stop that. Everything in position? Okay I'll just get into a zip.
Look Rob you've got cover out written on your butt.
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And indeed the Curly Wurly.
They're talented. Those late show players are very talented.
They lept into that with gusto didn't they. It was great to see you. A crappy ad indeed. And it just so happens crappy ads are our business. Welcome back to Commercial Crime Stoppers. We've had a bit of a break.
But during that time we've been sent hundreds and thousands and millions of letters including a couple of requests for our old friends the Demtel ads.
Ah Demtel. Do they ever sleep over there? The Piss Week ads just keep rolling off the production line don't they. What are some of the classics from last year we played Sona? We played the Pet Trainer, the Thigh Blaster, the Dream Pillar.
That's right. Well as it happens. The Bedazzler. Remember that one? We have the Teeth Whitener. In fact I'm wearing the Teeth Whitener right now. Mick have a look.
I love doing that. You've got that out of your system haven't you Santa? Fantastic. Let's kick off with Sonya Markham's request for the all new Demtel foot massager ad. Let's have a look.
The foot massager you say? We kick them, jump on them, run on them, squeeze them. No wonder they hurt. Help!
Introducing a fantastic, fabulous foot massager crafted from natural wood. This marvelous massager will instantly yet gently soothe tired legs and feet. Smudge it in minutes. Simply roll your feet over the 18 scientifically spaced rotating pressure plates. You'll instantly feel it going to work.
But there's more. Our back rollers. 20 more natural wooden rollers designed to stimulate your back and buttocks. Watch these expressions of sheer delight.
This feels great.
Do you reckon they doctor up those testimonials? Oh sad though. Wash your mouth out. Another thing, the guy at the start says we kick them, we run on them, we jump on them, we squeeze them. Is there anything else you'd like to do with your feet Mick?
I'd like to sink one of them, fear up the ass of the person who wrote that ad. If I can say that. Mick, you know that scene from when Harry met Sally where Meg Ryan fakes the orgasm in the restaurant? Have a look at the director's cut.
Oh God. Yes. Yes. Just as I'd suspect at all. Okay, now our next ad was sent to us by Lindy Liovic of the ACT. And guess what Santo? It wouldn't be a dem tell ad, would it be? Afraid so.
Oh no, my bald spot's getting bigger. Now it's so thin I can see through it. I feel so old. I'm beginning to look like my father. Are you plagued by baldness or thinning hair? Well now there's a way to transform into beautiful, thick, healthy looking hair in seconds with an incredible new product called Hair Today.
You can apply it yourself to turn this into this in just seconds. That's right, turn this into this. Then add a little finishing shield and no matter how active you are, Hair Today will stay all day through wind or rain.
Yes, Hair Today turns this into this. Take a look, a close look. Go ahead, touch it. You'll swear you've grown a head full of hair instantly. Plus this amazing guarantee that if you don't instantly look and feel years younger, we'll give you your money back. No questions asked.
I feel years younger. So you should. There you go, chill. Hair in a can. What do you reckon about that? A hair today? I don't know. Mick, that's fine for people like you or me or people who are slightly bald. What about someone like this? What does he do?
The dad from Walkin' Mindy. Yeah, what does he do? That's a big job, isn't it? You'd want to get a couple of quotes before you start it on that. Actually, Mick, he did and we have a picture of him here. See?
It's a bit of a bodgy job. Well, you know what the problem was? He didn't use any undercoat. Of course, of course. I think I've worked out what the problem is. Can we have a look at it again? Yeah, see, the problem is, yeah, see, the two can limit. He couldn't finish the job.
I reckon he probably would have looked a lot better. Two can limit. Probably wouldn't look better with a bit of cladding, Mick, with a bit of cladding. A bit of cladding? We could go on like this forever. We could, but we won't. Where are we? Oh, there we go. There we go.
Now, Santé, no, that'll be fine, Roz. I think you're a bit sceptical. You're a bit sceptical. When the guy jumped in the pool, right, I reckon they cut away from the water just a little bit early. See? I reckon the colour... Your judgement's pretty usually right. You reckon the colour may have run a bit? Just a little bit. What makes you say that? Just take a look at this footage, right? Okay? Now, that's the Exxon Valdez disaster. There's no oil slick, Mick. When that ship sank, 27 crew members, the ones that jumped over, well, they were wearing hair today. That's explained. That's in the official report. Santé, you remember?
Santé, you remember a while ago I, uh... I got into trouble with the police. You remember that? Was that the drunk driving one? One of them. And, uh, let me tell you, hair today, it's got a thousand and one uses. Have a look at this. Really? Really?
Alright, Mr Malloy, we'll have to take your fingerprints, please.
That's... That's real footage. That's documentary footage, folks. That's very interesting. Well, that's about it for this week's Commercial Crime Stoppers. Please, if you see any ads out there that should be brought to our attention, send them in to this address here.
And I guess we'll see you next time. Bye bye.
Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. Who can limit, you say? Good to hear. Okay. Okay, we'll get to the end of that later. Don't you worry.
Now, it's time for a toilet break, and we've got another potluck classic for you. Yes, a real treat for lovers of bell ringing. And there's plenty of them in the studio tonight, so please, everybody, go absolutely wild for Piffy.
Yes, Piffy. There he was. And my theory is the band weren't supposed to speed up. They were just doing that for their own amusement. But surprisingly, for once, Bernard had something nice to say.
I am totally subjective to the performance of one so attractive and so young. You really have to close your eyes and say he's only little, don't get carried away, Bernard. He's against ballerinas and singers and musicians and all kinds of grownups. But you're damn good anyway, you see. 40, young man. You're 40.
I'm 40. No comment. Now, we've got to cut the toilet break short this week because I'm afraid we've got a cross now live to Tommy G for a late news update. Here he is now. Tommy, take it away.
Can I just point out that in eight years of sketch comedy, that's the first time we've ended a sketch with the men in the white coats taking someone away. But we've received quite a bit of mail this week to the Late Show, and I'd just like to kick things off with a letter we've received from Simon Morley of No Fixed Address who writes, I'm watching your new series from hospital after an unexpected collision with your wife.
After an unexpected collision with, yes, you guessed it, a Volvo driver. I was wondering, have any of you guys ever been involved in a car accident? Well, I haven't had any car accidents this year, but I did have a flat tire earlier in the week.
That sounds very serious.
That's not that serious, but I did have it in probably the worst place that you can have a flat tire. Have a look at this.
Did somebody call the RACV?
And yes, there's a silver logo in the mail for the RACV. But Jane, you've had an interesting letter.
I have had a letter, Tony, yes. To the Late Show, every time Mum buys, oh, this is from Lee Gregory Russo, every time Mum buys one of those Kellogg's variety packs, we kids always fight over who gets the Coco Pops. A very likely story. Have it in my house. Is there a way of solving this dispute? Well, we've actually come up with a pretty good idea, I think. Yes, it's the Kellogg's variety pack that only has Coco Pops. Brilliant.
Very sensible, Jane. The simple ideas are often the best, Tony. How true it is. How true it is. Now, Nick, just lucky you're here, because I've got a letter for you, in fact. It says, dear Mick, being a drinker yourself, I'm sure you can help me. How do you stop people from pinching your barstool when you go to water the horses? Thanks very much, David Lee, for that letter. Mick, what's the answer?
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. It's an insidious practice, the theft of barstools when you go to the toilet. You can do what I do and use one of these. Can we have a look? It's the all new barstool club lock. You simply slide it across the seat like so and leave. Now, that's one cheap, easy way to avoid the problem.
But no more? Oh, of course. It doesn't end there, Tony. Thank Christ. What happens is I've been a bit of a trendsetter for some time now, Tony. Now, if you're serious about the barstool problem, why not pick up a pair of these? Let's have a look.
There they are, my all new barstool pads. They look a treat. Have a look at that. You're on the cutting edge of fashion, folks. And you just sidle up to that bar. Look, all the stools are gone. Do I care? Happy as Larry, folks.
I feel like I'm tired and run down. Boy, because I spend the entire day running after tennis balls. I have to wee on every tree I pass. I can't sit in the car without sticking my head out a window.
Or pass another dog without sniffing its bum. I chase my own tail round and round and round.
Now I have to go and eat my own vomit.
Uncompromising. No holes barred, no beg your pardon. It's time for those intellectual sparring partners, Graham and the Colonel.
This is Graham. This is the Colonel. I tell you what, if Pippi's still around, he could come in and do our theme chat at the start, Colonel. That'd be great to have it re-recorded on.
This is Graham and this is the Colonel. Cricket. Australia's doing so well on a test wheel, it's embarrassing. I almost feel sorry for England. There's going to be wholesale changes, Colonel.
There's going to be big changes. Do you know the inside story? No, I don't. Because I do. I know the inside story. Captain Graham Gooch. Yep. He went in to see Ted Bexter. He's the chairman of selectors. Of course.
And he says, Ted, the problem's not with our batting, it's with our bowling. We need a decent fast bowler. Any suggestions? And Ted just went... And Gooch says, no, no, not Gladstone Small. Sure.
I mean, we can't pick Gladstone Small. He can't... How can he... Bowler. Gladstone Small. He wasn't concentrating. He was. He's doing that film, you know, the... The Bells. The Bells.
Let's not make... Let's not make someone Gladstone Small. If no one laughs at me, I'm going to do the whole report like this. How could he suggest Gladstone Small? No, I can't do it. No, you won't.
Speaking of fast balls, Craig McDermott is on his way back to Australia with a twisted bow. Twisted bow? That's very painful. Oh yeah.
Do you remember that altercation when Border threatened to have him on the first plane home? Do you remember that? Geez, he didn't have to twist his bow to do it.
I don't think that Border was the one that actually... There will have to be an internal investigation into this. No, Colonel, I don't think that... I just hope he did a slipknot.
Before we move on to more sport, I noted with concern the debate over violent video games during the week. Violent video games? That's a big issue. It is a big issue. You spend a fair bit of time with the little lieutenant. What's your perspective, Colonel?
I don't understand the community concern. I was babysitting the little lieutenant just the other night and he was playing on his game board. Sure, sure. What game? It was tennis. Tennis. He was playing tennis on the game.
The one with the little guy that goes... But that's pretty. There's no harm in that. Yeah, but this was the latest version, the Monica Sellers stabbing edition.
I mean, not only do you have to win the point, you have to avoid the crazed man who comes down behind you afterwards and goes... He does that. Thank you.
Thank you. Staying with tennis. And Pat Rafter, is it, Colonel? Pat Rafter, the Aussie tennis player. He did very well overnight. Unfortunately, of course, he was beaten in four sets by Andre Agassi, who has caused a bit of a hoo-ha during the week. Yes, that's right.
After he revealed that he's had all his body hair shaved. Yeah, it was done by the same guy who stabbed Monica Sellers. He jumped out with the Gillette twin blade. It should be a video game, shouldn't it? He wasn't looking.
That's on board. Graham, just one question. What does the name Nadia... What does the name Nadia Cominici mean to you? What does it mean to you? Come on, Colonel. No, come on. Don't bring this up in public. What is it? Colonel, you know that I went out with her.
You went out with Nadia Cominici? I was on the... That's crap. I was on the rebound from Shane Gould. Well, no, that's not true. I'd broken up with Beth Francis. Beth Francis? And I was in a love truce with Beth Francis, Gail Mulhall.
And Rae-Lynn Boyle. And Shirley Strickland. It was an older woman. Carry on. What does the name Nadia Cominici mean to you, Graham? Seriously. Well, she's the darling of the 76 Olympics. One of the greatest gymnasts of all time. Perfect tens in all her disciplines.
Well, she's now promoting jockey underwear. Did you just see that during the week? She's now doing the ad. Do you reckon she was ever as good as the experts say she was? Oh, you are tough, Colonel. I reckon she's just a little bit overestimated. I mean, come on. She got a perfect ten on the beam.
Oh, it's four inches wide, Colonel. They've got to do the flip, flip, flip, flip. Yeah, yeah. But did she ever have anyone on the other end trying to knock her off with the pillow? I mean, off into the pool. I mean, the beam wasn't even greased.
Colonel, the Olympics and almost anything goes are completely different. They require different skills. They're different, are they? They're completely different. I don't know why you're bringing this up. You know, they're all weird. I would love to have seen Nadia walk up to the judges before the uneven bars and say, I'm playing Madoka.
Hang on, hang on. I won't do this. Hang on. That was worth doing. That's why our report wouldn't be complete without our weekly foray into current affairs. Now, Colonel, that bomb blast in Florence.
Well, that was a couple of weeks back, but that was a disgusting, a dist... It destroyed part of the famous gallery. The Galleria Uffizi.
Gee, you pronounce Italian words so well, Colonel. You're sure there's no Italian blood way back. You might like to check that anyway. It's opened up again. I just thought I'd mention.
They did open it up. I reckon they've underestimated the damage. What do you mean? I mean, if you were to see some of the statues, I mean, they've got no arms left. Look at that. I mean, she got her clothes burnt off.
That's... Oh, she... Oh. It's only a statue. It's only a statue. No, no, no! I'm using this under these two discs. Oh, you got that. Oh. Yeah.
That's very interesting, because that's interesting that you got that, because I used this one. I think, can you tell? This is Graier. This is the Colonel.
I'm afraid we're going to have to end the show there, because Tommy's really keen to get out of the bell ringing here.
And I should point out this isn't from the wardrobe department. He brought this in from home. Extraordinary. From the Tommy G. 93 collection.
But look, I have to just mention that the ABC is doing something different tomorrow night at 11 o'clock. What they're going to do every Sunday night is repeat the previous week's Late Show.
So tomorrow night at 11, you can see last week's show. And in fact, it's not a tape. We're going to come in here and perform the whole thing live all over again.
But to finish off, we've got a big musical finale. Mick, what is it? Oh, yeah. Don't tell me. I've got it right this week, haven't I? James Bond number.
Yes, we've got a big James Bond number. We've got the big brass sound from the 60s. I love it. I've got all the soundtracks at home, Tony.
Right. We've got Shirley Bassey is going to sing the song for us. And it's going to...
I think you'll find you may have made a mistake there, Tony, because you've got Ron Barassi. Ron Barassi.
I did say Shirley Bassey, though, didn't I, Mick? I don't know, but I thought you said Ron Barassi. That was... didn't you?
No, I didn't. Let's see if we can make this go after 11 o'clock, shall we? Sure.
To take us out, please, a big hand for Ron Barassi with Thunderball.
He always runs... while others walk.
He acts... while other men just talk.
He looks at this world... and wants it all.
He's a man of his own.
He's right... like...
He knows... the meaning... of success.
His needs are more... so he gives less.
They call him the winner... who takes all.
And he strikes... like Thunderball.
From ABC Video, it's the best bits of the late show.
Sounds pretty dangerous. I don't have the brown underpants on for nothing.
From the D-Generation's mildly successful ABC television series.