We wish to advise that the following edition of The Late Show is rated M and contains adult
humour.
Up next on ABC TV, it's The Late Show and that's followed by 28 Up Australia, Michael
Apted's award winning study of Growing Up Down Under.
I'm very disappointed because I failed plasticine and I may have to stay down.
Well school's not really going so well.
I'm repeating year eight again, my teachers don't reckon I've got any future.
God knows what I'm going to do when I grow up.
Hey everybody, it's only a television program, it's The Late Show live around Australia,
it really is and who are you, what are you doing here?
Well Mick said I could do it if I did something really weird with my hair and I think you'll
agree that I've really come through with the goods.
Yes, I think you've succeeded there but Mick said that we were going to do the intro, we
had a really classy opening plan.
Oh well what was that?
It was really sophisticated, I'll see if I can remember it, it went something like this.
How did it go now?
Another sunny honeymoon, another season, another reason for making whoopee.
Something like that, what do you reckon, that would have worked wouldn't it, what do
you reckon?
Are you kidding me?
The two Ronnies wouldn't have attempted that sketch.
Okay, okay, admittedly but no it didn't go like that at all, I got it completely wrong,
it was more like this.
Now that's funny, that's funny.
But look, here's a news story that interested me, you'd be a fan of Samantha Fox I'm guessing
too.
Oh yeah.
You would be.
That's feminist.
I can't get enough of her work but listen to this, after being, after several years
being relegated to the publicity back burner, Samantha Fox has grabbed fresh headlines during
her visit to war torn Bosnia.
Fox, who appeared in tight pink denim shorts and a revealing top, was shot at by warring
Bosnian factions on a morale raising visit and that's the first bit of good news I think
we've had out of Bosnia in a long time.
It's good to see they can finally agree on something Judith.
Absolutely, someone else that's been in the news, Father Kiss, did we all hear about him,
that cheeky priest that stole 1.8 billion dollars and are you a Catholic turner?
No, I'm from New Zealand Judith.
Well, as a Catholic, barely a day goes by where I don't hold my head up high because
golly if our priests aren't being arrested for child molesting, it's just good old fashioned
stealing.
And what I find so fascinating is that you can study theology for years and yet something
like the Ten Commandments can just slip right through your fingers.
Thou shalt not steal, oh I knew I'd forgotten something, Jesus Christ.
It's not an easy one to remember Judith, just ask the writers of Tonight Live.
But look, something I want to mention, something I want to mention, we're going to be talking
tonight about a situation that happens to doctors and you know that thing where they're
at parties and they're having a night off and someone always comes up to them and goes,
oh look I know you're having a night off but I've got a real bad pain here and doctors
just hate that, they hate that.
And I was wondering, do you suppose that ever happens to Dr Kevorkian, the suicide doctor?
Because he's back in the news, you might have seen yesterday he completed his ninth assisted
suicide for the year 1993, actually three up on this time last year, and I was wondering
do you suppose people ever come up to him at parties and go, Dr Kevorkian I know you're
having a bit of a night off but I've got a bit of a terminal condition.
Alright sir, just this once, come into the bathroom, bring the toaster and the bread
knife, this one's on the house.
But we'll be able to ask him because Dr Kevorkian's joining us tonight to demonstrate his infamous
suicide machine and he'll be demonstrating it on our celebrity guest Jonathan Coleman,
so stick around for that later on in the programme, it should be fun.
Well look I'd just like to take this opportunity if I can, Tony, to announce that I'm actually
making a very big push this year, because it's the last year I can technically do it,
to win the Young Achiever Award for the year.
Right, now in what category then?
Oh I would have thought that was fairly obvious, community service.
But what sort of person would normally win?
Oh look I rang them up and they said normally it's people that help the elderly, the homeless,
who gives a shit.
Those pension seekers.
I bet they couldn't tell a knock knock joke like I can.
I'm fed up with those guys, but do you think you've got much support here this evening
for the Young Achiever?
Well Tony, let's find out.
Okay and...
Hi, don't worry it's only national telly and you're as snug as a bug in a rug in that
little wooly jumper aren't you?
Now would you like to see me win Young Achiever of the Year?
Yeah.
You would.
You're just being a suck really aren't you?
You're just being a big fat suck on national telly.
Why would you like to see me win?
Cause um, I don't know.
Well I think we know you won't be winning it anyway.
Now, and yourself, do you think I should win Young Achiever of the Year Award?
Of course.
You do?
Well I suppose I could win it for both of us.
Have you achieved much?
Cause you're certainly not young, are you?
Well, I feel young.
You feel young and you're as young as you feel.
Now, Tony, I could go on like this all night, but I won.
I'm going to chuck back to you.
I think you could.
I'm enjoying your work with one of the four kinsmen down there.
But I think the award's in the bag and let's get out of here and let's go to Tommy G.
out of the News Desk!
It's downhill from here.
Good evening.
This is the Late Show News and hitting our bulletin tonight.
Adelaide's drinking water given the all clear.
England denies Edgbaston Pitch not up to test standard.
And the Andercross named Horse of the Year.
While runner-up is named number 27 with black bean sauce.
No horse was injured in the filming of that joke.
But now the news in detail.
And with the shelling of southern Lebanon at an end, thousands of refugees this week returned home.
It was bumper to bumper as cars, tanks and even Mick Dewan made the long trip home
only to find their houses destroyed, cars burnt out and perhaps the cruelest blow of all.
Those Israelis, eh?
Cruel but fair.
Meanwhile, too, Bosnia and peace talks have broken down yet again.
Representatives began meeting in Geneva this week but failed to make progress.
First the Bosnian leader stormed out.
Then Muslim President Iza Bigovic threatened to leave.
Finally, just as all leaders were brought together around the negotiation table,
Serbia's Radovan Karadžić was called to the phone.
It's John Blackman from Telecom Mobile.
Then here, who's that?
Always happens.
To finance news now and it's been a week of panic on international money markets.
What happened was the European exchange rate mechanism virtually collapsed.
It's a little complex so what I've done is I've prepared a bit of a demo for you.
Okay, now you've got your pound here, okay?
Well hang on, you've got your yen, there's your German mark of course,
your French franc and of course the US dollar.
Now these are all held together by what's called the exchange rate mechanism.
So for example, someone buys the pound, they compensate with the franc.
Oh dear.
Someone invests in the franc, they buy up big on the yen.
The yen is very strong.
But what happened on Tuesday was that they had a meeting in Amsterdam and,
right, Amsterdam, right, where the Maastricht supporters began buying up,
right, on the mark and the franc.
I think it bought a lot of the franc actually.
This took place in Amsterdam.
Anyway, that forced the Bundesbank to prop up the yen
and just keep propping it up and up and up and up.
Then the ASEAN nations began dumping currency, mainly in Thailand, Thailand, right?
So what happened there?
Look, this whole thing's a bit complex.
We'll skip, I don't think Robert Gottliebson has this sort of problem.
We'll move on to royal news.
And bugger me, Uganda has a new king.
Yes, Ronald II was ordained this week in the capital Kampala
for an elaborate initiation ceremony involving over 60 different rituals
amongst them having a waste paper basket plonked on your head,
receiving the traditional salt and paper shankers,
and getting to wear a bit of a car seat cover around your neck.
Oh, this isn't part of the ceremony.
It's just a bit of piss farting around.
They were kind of into it.
And I'm a bit hungry.
Finally, to other royal news, and it was a proud queen mum,
who celebrated her 93rd birthday this week.
Looking resplendent in a lime green hospital nightie,
everyone's favourite royal was treated to a 21-gun salute by troops in Hyde Park,
London Bridge, and of course, Central Belfast.
And now for the last show,
Tommy G on assignment behind the doors of the lodge,
face to face with Paul Keating, asking the tough questions.
Is the Australian economy stuffed?
Look, I will say this.
I'm not about his growth.
We're in the fastest growing region of the world.
We've got the fastest growing economy,
the fastest growing unemployment figures,
the fastest growing deficit.
Keating on unemployment.
What have you done about unemployment?
Look, I will say this.
We've acknowledged it.
And we intend to go on acknowledging it for as long as necessary.
But the opposition have acknowledged it too.
Yeah, OK, sure.
But we've gone further.
We've acknowledged it in a brochure.
Colour photos, everything.
Keating on Hewson.
You've been accused of waging a childish smear campaign against John Hewson.
Look, that's bullshit.
But I will say this.
Dr Hewson is a wuss.
He's a crybaby.
He's a girl.
His bike is a girl's bike.
It's got a basket on the front seat.
I know for a fact he poos his pants.
Keating on tax reform.
Look, Tommy, I will say this.
Quite unequivocally, quite categorically, quite simply,
without beating around the bush,
without repetition or saying the same thing twice or three times,
let me make it quite clear,
without using any fancy language,
any anachronistic antecedents,
that I, without any shadow of a doubt, have forgotten the question.
Keating on a small trampoline for no apparent reason.
Look, I will say this.
The promised tax cuts are now LAW.
Likely it's wombat shit.
Paul Keating face to face with Tommy G,
the man who's changing the face of news,
reshaping it, remodelling it, stripping it back,
knocking down a few walls and putting in a patio
only on The Late Show.
All right, guys, we're down tomorrow.
Early night tonight. Off you go.
Oh, I am the music girl
I come from down your way
What can you play?
I can play the Aussie bloke
Oh, piss the noisy Aussie bloke
Aussie bloke, Aussie bloke
Piss the noisy Aussie bloke
Piss the noisy bloke
What else can you play?
I can play the horny creep
Oh, wouldn't mind a piece of that
Check the nogs cock the arse
Bet she's really got the top gun to score tonight
And I can throw up
Oh, seeing double throwing up
Passing out, driving home
Seeing double throwing up
Chucking up our guts
Well, that was the most pathetic display
I've ever seen on a netball court.
What did you get up to last night?
Sorry, coach, we got shit face.
Oh, off your face, off your face, off your face, off your face, off your face, off your face, off your face, off your face
Well, it's been compared to an election campaign
and has now become the most fiercely contested advertising war in recent history
with accusations of foul play and dirty tricks being levelled at both sides.
Here now to represent Telecom and Optus are their managing directors.
Telecom's Mr. Frank Blunt and the head of Optus, Mr. Bob Mansfield.
Gentlemen, thanks for your time.
Firstly to you, Mr. Blunt, what do you have to say to critics
who believe the whole advertising war between Telecom and Optus has got completely out of hand?
Well, they started it.
Did not.
Did.
Did not.
Did not.
Did not.
Did not.
Can't hear you.
Can't hear you.
Mr. Mansfield.
Sorry.
What do you have to say to Mr. Blunt's accusation?
Well, I'd have to say he's just a giant knob head.
Ball.
R2.
Ball.
R2.
Ball.
R2.
R2.
R2.
Well, at least I'm not a butt head.
Nob head.
Butt head.
Nob head.
Nob head.
Butt head.
Robby, make him stop it.
Make him.
Make him.
He started it.
Cry baby.
Now Mr. Blunt.
Nob head.
Butt head.
That's enough.
See, you're not tilling him off.
I'll smack you both in a minute.
Now, I want to ask you about this set of figures.
You're Tommy's pet.
You are.
You are.
Ah, you love him.
You are so far up Robby's arse.
You love him.
Lovers.
Lovers.
Lovers.
Lovers.
I can't hear.
I can't hear you.
Oh no, Mr. Mansfield.
No.
No, don't cry Mr. Mansfield.
Mr. Mansfield, I didn't.
Here's a lollipop.
Okay, now getting back to the figures.
Mr. Blunt.
Mr. Blunt.
All right, here's one for you too.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Now, Mr. Mansfield, can you tell us if Optus has any intentions of entering the market
for local calls?
And if so, what sort of time frame?
Mine's raspberry.
No.
Mine's green.
Is it?
Raspberry is better.
If you're a girl.
Girl.
I know you are, but what am I?
Girl.
I know you are, but what am I?
Girl.
I know you are, but what am I?
Shut up.
I can see up your dress.
Well, you've wet your pants.
I can see up your dress.
Well, you've wet your pants.
Dammit, you look like a dirty truck hanging on a butcher's hook.
Girls gems, no trans needles.
I touched my hands.
Girls gems, injections for a thousand years.
Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate smoke.
All right, I've had enough.
I've had enough.
I've had enough.
I've had enough to hear.
Now, you two behave yourself.
Mr. Blunt and Mr. Mansfield, you behave yourself or do you have big smacks for both of you?
If you hit me, if you hit me, you've dobbed it.
Aha.
Dobber.
Well, if I don't smell.
Dobber.
My dad's better than your dad.
My dad could beat your dad up.
Paul.
My dad's a policeman.
Well, my dad's an astronaut.
Yeah, look, there he is now in a dress.
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop it.
That's it.
That's it.
No.
That is it.
That is it.
I have had it with you two.
I've had it.
You, right.
You two, come here.
Come here.
Wait till I get my hands on you.
I said come here.
I said come here.
What is going on here?
What is going on here?
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
Michael.
What is going on here?
What is going on here?
Michael.
Michael.
Don't you think?
Mom, he did it.
Who did it?
He started the whole thing.
Michael.
Michael, get home.
Get home.
Get home.
Get home.
Get home.
And what are you smirking at, young man?
What have you got to say to yourself?
Wait until I tell your mother about this.
Go on.
Get out.
Go on.
Get out.
And who are you?
What have you got to say to yourself?
What have you got to say to yourself?
Go on.
Speak up.
Speak up.
Who are you?
I'm Quinton Dempster.
Who are you?
I was just trying to interview you.
Quinton who?
Quinton Dempster.
You've never heard of him.
I was just trying to interview him.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Who's in charge here?
He is.
Who?
He is.
Back over there.
He is.
What is it?
He's a producer.
A producer?
Yeah.
Just what I want.
A wimpy producer.
Right.
Okay.
I suppose you think you're smart, young man.
Smart aleck, hey?
I suppose you think you're clever.
Huh?
Clever dick.
Hey?
Well, what are you?
Smart aleck, clever dick.
What are you?
What are you?
Get out.
Get out.
Go on.
No television watching for you tonight, young man.
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Welcome to Shit Scared.
I'm on location now with Mick and Rob as they prepare for an upcoming film.
It's good to be back, Tommy.
What's the film, Rob?
Bond.
James Bond, 007.
Dun!
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.
Dun doo!
Dun da da!
Enough, Mick.
Enough, Mick.
We'll lose respect.
No, I've been chosen to do all the stunts.
And it's been shot here in Australia?
Right here in Australia as part of a cost cutting drive.
I think they've decided Australia is the place.
And that hasn't affected the quality?
No, it hasn't.
No, no, no, they've just had to rewrite it slightly.
The original Blofeld flew from Paris to Monte Carlo and now he travels from Aubrey Wodonga
to Grafton.
In a tractor.
In a tractor.
Very clever.
Very good organisation.
Come on.
A lot of work to do.
What are you doing, Rob?
Hey, watch it.
Mick, watch the juke-o.
We're checking all the gadgets.
Bond films have a lot of gadgets.
And this is going to be the James Bond car.
And it's the first Datsun, actually, to be a James Bond car.
It's got a lot of gadgets in it.
Mick installed an ejector seat over here.
And we're just about to test it.
So if you could just stand back.
You have to get right back.
You too, Mick.
Piss off.
OK.
Here we go.
Are you OK, Rob?
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Oh, no.
It was just a breakdown in communication.
It wasn't Mick's fault.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It was my fault.
My fault.
I should have asked which seat the ejector seat was in.
But now I know.
Now we're right.
And we're ready to go for another test.
If you could just stand back.
You're going to have to stand back, too.
This is a real stunt.
OK.
Here we go.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Ah, now.
Rotating number plates?
Yes.
You know you're James Bond's.
Rotating number plates so that the spy traveling along can change the identity of his car like
that.
Mick installed them last night.
Give Tom a demonstration.
Give Tom a demonstration, Mick.
And then he can...
Mick, it's the same number plate.
How can James Bond change the identity of his car if you've put the same number plate
on his rotating number plates?
Oh, I don't know.
You're an idiot, Mick.
Keep this short.
Although he's a spy.
There's another one.
Have a look at this.
Oh, beautiful.
Your identity is safe.
I'm going to look up retarded in the dictionary because I've got a suspicion.
Who's in the shed, Rob?
In the shed?
The money men.
The financiers.
Checking on you.
They check on everything.
You see, we've only tended for the stunt work.
We think we'll get it.
I think they've been pretty impressed with what they've seen today.
But they're just finalizing the casting and then they're going to...
Who is going to play James Bond?
That's top secret.
You know I can't.
Well, I can give you a clue.
He lives in Wonderman Valley.
Porteous.
Shane Porteous.
And who's going to play Blofeld?
Mick.
Aha, Mr. Bond.
Welcome to Amsterdam.
Do you have any other gadgets you can show us?
Yes, we've been developing a very special pen.
A very special little device.
Mick, a demonstration.
Well, what you do is you turn it upside down, her bikini falls off.
Did you spend cop's budget money on that?
Is it really fall off?
Yeah, totally.
Total nutty.
Total nutty.
Look at her boobs.
What's the problem, Rob?
Oh, we've lost the button for the rocket launcher.
The producer's going to be over here in five minutes.
Come on, Mick.
Jesus.
Here we go.
Found it.
Thank God for that.
And this is the button that fires it.
They're going to be very impressed with that.
Mick.
What is this, Rob?
It's a parabolic dish time.
It's a gadget, basically.
Bond films have gadgets, and that's what we're commissioned to do.
Come up with gadgets.
This can pick up a conversation at 200 metres.
Do you believe that?
Do you want to see it work?
Sure.
Okay.
See those people over there?
We can listen in on them.
Just see the late show on Saturday night.
Yeah, cool as shit-ass.
This was a stunning character.
Oh, yeah, the bloke in the helmet was all right.
It's still got a glitch.
Sometimes the words are jumbled and...
What are you writing, Rob?
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
This isn't a real pen.
It's a detonator pen.
Fooled him.
Fooled him.
See?
See how well it's made?
That is a detonator pen.
You touch the top of that...
The whole bomb car blows up.
The whole car goes bang.
Do you have any other ideas?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
The whole bomb car blows up.
The whole car goes bang.
Do you have any other gadgets you could show us?
It's a detonator pen.
Fine.
You want more?
Fine.
Okay.
Got a special watchie.
You press that button here, and the date comes up.
And?
And what?
The date comes up.
You press the button, the date.
It tells you the date.
You want more?
Fine.
Okay.
I've got more gadgets.
Intercom watch.
Looks like a normal watch.
Uh-uh.
I can talk to Mickey on this.
Hello, Mickey.
Come in.
Hello, Robbie.
I'm reading you loud and clear.
Over.
Mickey.
Right here.
Over.
Excuse me just one moment.
Ouch.
Over.
Any word from the financiers yet, Rob?
No, no, no.
A bit of a setback.
A bit of a setback.
But we're hoping to have a decision in our favor.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We're happy to have a setback, but we're hoping to have a decision in our favor.
They're going to ring it through from the hospital.
Right.
So, uh, so-
Want me to autograph?
The worst times, isn't it?
All right.
All right.
But hopefully.
Got a pen, Mick?
A pen, Mick?
Jesus.
Who do I make it out to?
Herb.
All the best.
From an ex-stuntman.
There you go.
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, it's Saturday night and we've decided to hold a bit of a party.
What the hell?
It's our set.
Who cares if we lose the body?
Absolutely.
So, we've decided to give you a few guidelines on how to hold a great party.
I think the first rule to remember is, is the guest you least wanted to invite will always roll up first.
Oh, you're kidding.
Jay!
Oh.
How are you, mate?
Oh, hi.
Oh, my.
Shelby.
How are you?
Great.
Can I just get a drink?
Yeah, a bit of carpentry in the front room to restump something, Shelby.
Now, also be prepared for guests to bring a few other extra guests along with them.
What happens?
Oh, Jane.
Hi.
Tom, hey.
Look, I hope you don't mind.
I've got friends staying with me from overseas and I thought I could bring them along.
Sure, bring them in.
No problem.
Hi, hello.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, pleased to meet you.
Good day.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
I think we get the general idea here.
Yes.
Hello.
Please, come through.
I'll get that.
Ah, now this guy is a bit of a seasoned party-goer.
Notice he's bought the cheapest, crappiest cask of wine he could find.
Probably left over from his last party.
After a few token preliminaries, he'll head straight for the fridge and attempt to swab
it for a decent bottle.
Unfortunately, yeah, most guests are on to this ruse.
Still, I think the party's going well, but they're mingling, happening.
I've got the zany tie on.
Oh, it's a very zany tie.
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.
I've got the new frock on.
Jane, I've got to say, you look sensational in that dress.
Thank you, Jase.
Thanks very much.
Hang on a second.
Just get...
Quick, quick.
Do something.
Quickly.
Caesar.
Caesar.
Yes.
Security is very important at any party.
Absolutely.
Oh, I'll get that.
Hang on a second.
It's all happening here.
Ah, now here, here is a deadly combination.
The lead singer of Mr. Mr. and Friend.
How often have you heard this phrase?
Sorry about the baby.
We couldn't get a babysitter, not with seven weeks' notice.
Is there someplace we can put her down?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
Please, come on.
I'm in a mingle.
Fantastic.
Yeah, good to have you.
Great.
Just take care of that.
Okay.
Fantastic.
Now, food, Jane.
Oh, yes, food.
Food.
Very important.
The impractical finger food.
You know, the stuff that you simply can't manage with one hand.
Tacos, anyone?
Tacos, yes.
Jesus.
Another of my favourite impractical finger foods are chicken wings dipped in soya sauce.
Not only are they greasy and hard to hold, it's fun to watch what your guests will do
with the bones.
Hey, hey, look, that's Graham from Graham and the Colonel.
Very original.
Oh, dear, yes.
Now, one of the other worst moments for your party guests is when they find themselves
trapped with someone that they simply can't remember their name.
G'day, Steve.
How's it going?
Steve, all right?
Steve?
Very good.
Very good indeed.
Mate?
Right.
Now, mate's okay for a while, but the inevitable will happen, you know, the third person will
come up and want to be introduced.
Steve?
Oh, sorry, pardon me.
This is my girlfriend, Laura.
Beth.
Beth.
And this is...
I think at moments like this, the only course open to you is honesty.
I'm sorry, I can't remember your name because I just find you boring as batshit.
What can I say?
Well, perhaps not that much honesty.
Right.
Now, you can never get too complacent when you're having a party.
I mean, it can die just like that.
So you have to look out for the early warning signs.
And I think we've spotted an early warning sign.
Some of the guests have put the TV on.
I better stamp this out.
Guys, TV, what's on?
The test.
Oh, right, the test.
What are the scores?
It's lunch, actually.
Oh, right.
Right.
Okay, another early warning sign is guests start to leave with really feeble excuses.
Guys, guys, you're not going already.
Sorry, I've got an early start.
I've got a 21st.
Gotta go.
On board, shitless.
Sorry.
But I think the ultimate sign that your party's on the skids
is when two sympathetic guests try unsuccessfully to get a conga line going.
Come on, everybody, join in.
Come on, join in.
Come on, join in.
Our party is dying.
It's dying, Tom.
What are we missing?
What are we missing, Jane?
Think, think, think.
We've got alcohol.
We've got the drug room happening over here.
It's the late show.
It's the late show.
In the lounge room.
Crazy.
Jane, music.
You're not dancing at a party.
You want a party to cook?
Come on, get us some music.
All right, happening now.
Come on, everyone.
Now it's cooking.
Well, I must go.
Well, all my friends...
Please.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Charlie the Wonder Dog is proudly brought to you by
Not Quite Right Dog Food,
Starlag 17 boarding kennels,
and Woe Boy Dog Collars,
where instant obedience is just 240 volts away.
Charlie the Wonder Dog is anything you can do.
Charlie, Charlie, make me a smile.
Charlie, we love you.
Charlie the Wonder Dog,
starring Charlie the Wonder Dog,
The Piss Week Kids,
and Charles by Teen World as Gramps.
Charlie, we love you.
I think you should alter your will.
But I'm leaving all my money to the children
and the International Institute of Worthy Causes.
But if you really loved me, you'd leave it all to me.
Well, I guess that seems fair.
I'll just go get it.
It's all going according to plan.
The old fool's fallen for it.
If you sign that will, we'll have a drink.
Here, I've made one for you.
Gramps is sick.
Thanks for the tip, Charlie.
You're under arrest, widow arsenic.
Or should I say shifty Calhoun?
What's the square root of nine?
Of course, three.
Where are you going, Gramps?
I'm off on a business trip.
Who's going to look after us?
I've arranged my brother to move in.
Not grouchy Uncle Bill.
Look, he may be a bit testy, but he's got a heart of gold.
In fact, he's outside now.
Get him outside.
I want all our dogs in the house.
I want all our dogs in the house.
I want all our dogs in the house.
Get him outside.
I want all our dogs in the house while I'm in charge.
Good to see you, Bill.
Thanks for coming.
I guess I owe you a favour.
Well, I guess I better be off.
See you in a week.
I can't get to sleep
not without Charlie in the room with us.
I don't feel safe.
Oh, don't worry.
Uncle Bill says as long as he was here nothing could go wrong.
I might have one last cigarette.
Ugh.
I'm not really tired.
Was that Charlie barking at some danger?
Go to sleep.
Good night.
Oh, goodness.
Charlie's working us up by activating the clock radio.
And I can smell smoke.
You're right, Charlie.
Let's get out of here.
The house is really on fire.
Uncle Bill's still in there.
But the flames are too fierce.
Hang on. Where's Charlie?
He's gone to save Uncle Bill.
He saved Uncle Bill.
Nice work, Charlie.
He's gone.
He truly is a wonder dog.
We can't see who is in here.
There's anybody who's been hit.
But apparently something is wrong here.
Something is terribly wrong.
And there behind the water case,
there you go.
They're going to park on the hospital.
Yes, I got it.
It's love.
Sweet love.
No, not just for some.
The dogs
see things as they are
and say why.
They see things that never were
and said why.
Oh, dear. I'm sorry.
We're a bit teary-eyed in here.
Sando, Sando, you all right there, mate?
Oh, Tony, I just think that in years to come,
people will be saying,
where were you the day that Charlie the Wonder Dog was...
Oliver Stone's writing the script already.
And I think it's time for a toilet break now.
Here on The Late Show.
And we've got for you this evening,
with the astonishing Darren Schutz.
And please, keep your eye on the
shots of the spellbound
studio audience.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I have here a yellow
silk, which I'll fold
into a small ball and place
inside my pocket.
Next, I have one,
two blue
silks, which I'll tie together
into a strong knot.
And place them
into this glass
where they are in full
view of everyone.
And now, one,
two, three,
the silk has disappeared from
my pocket and reappeared
between the two blue silks.
Next, I would like to show you
a disappearing trick.
I'll attempt to make this die
disappear.
Now, there are two ways of doing this,
visibly and invisibly.
Let me explain.
If I make the die disappear visibly,
you'll actually see it disappear.
But invisibly, you won't see
it disappear.
First, I'll show you visibly.
First, I'll show you visibly.
First, I'll show you visibly.
I'll show you visibly.
Are you ready?
Now you see it, and now
you don't. You actually saw
the die disappear.
But there wasn't anything magical
about that, so I'll attempt
to show you another way to make the die
disappear using this small,
empty wooden container.
I'll place
the die into the box
and close the doors.
And now, with the wave
of my hand, the die
has disappeared.
It is no longer in this side
or this side.
It has completely and totally
disappeared.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You want me to open both doors.
Well, okay.
But I can honestly
tell you, there's nothing in here.
But as you can see,
the die has disappeared from this side
and the
top
and this side.
It has completely disappeared
from here and here
and reappeared back
in the hand. Thank you.
Darren Schutz
with his magic trick. I'm always fascinated
with magicians, aren't you?
Yes, indeed. And I've seen
some good ones too. And I really
admire the art. I respect
you for including some dialogue
as you present your work.
We need to step up the pace there.
I would have said that in the time you have
there, three or four tricks would have
fitted into that time. Your silk operation
has to be much faster
and your disappearing dies even faster.
I hope to have the opportunity
and we all hope to have the opportunity
of seeing your work develop. Thirty-two.
Thirty-two. Well done.
Amazing. That's amazing.
I'm tired.
If you look at it closely,
Bernard goes, do I crush him?
Thirty-two.
Time for late mail. Jase, do you want to kick us off with a letter?
Sure, Robbie. Tony Martin,
I reckon he could be doing other stuff
on telly besides this show. I'm sure he is.
I got a letter this week from Fulham Gardens
in South Australia who says, Tony looks
like the clay figure in the Diff Lamb
cough drop ant. Right.
Have a look at this.
Tell me what you think.
It's not bad.
He'll come up again soon.
That could be Tony Martin moonlighting.
That is Tony, especially when he does
Tony often puts the saw in his throat.
Tony,
I just want to see if it looks
like you.
What do you think is this?
Pretty close.
Now swallow it, Tony.
Oh, over here.
Speaking of lookalikes, Judith, I believe you have a novel.
I certainly have, Robin. A little tragic under the
circumstances. Is that Charlie
with David Cassidy?
In a former life.
Don't start me crying.
Possibly this is a
slightly more tragic job.
One of the world's most tolerant dogs.
Now, Santo, you have a letter?
I have a letter, Rob. This letter comes from us,
the Late Show cast, and it's
addressed to us.
Dear us,
what is the story with Rob
Sitch's briefcase?
It's cheap, it's made of
brown vinyl, and it's held
together by gaffer tape.
Now, I don't know whether people have actually had the
chance to actually see Rob's briefcase.
What is the story?
It's looked like this.
You've had it since your Uncle Bob gave it to you when you were
21, didn't he? Uncle Bob gave all of
us a vinyl briefcase when we were 21.
There you go, Rob. Here's your briefcase.
We're friends, we're a bunch of friends.
So what we've done is we've all pitched in,
and we've secured the services of our good friend,
Dr. Bow-Care. Dr. Bow-Care, could you please come out
for a moment?
What can you do for this briefcase?
I can fix it. Go right ahead.
That's top quality vinyl, seriously.
Watch it, it'll bounce.
See?
Totally impervious.
Totally impervious.
Hey, when it came to briefcases,
my Uncle didn't skimp on vinyl.
It's the gaffer tape, it's deflected.
See, now you've got respect for it.
We were going to get you a briefcase.
We went to the not-quite-right
briefcase shop to get something similar,
but instead we got you a Mandarin
duck briefcase from our good friends
at Enroute Travel Group
in South Yarra.
Inside of it, there's a special treat for you, Rob.
There's the Late Show Video.
That's available at ABC Video
shops or any other good video stores.
And isn't it great that you're not
allowed to advertise on the ABC?
Hey, Sante, you keep that up,
and I'm going to pull out your purple suit.
Now, I've got one final letter
to get away from briefcases
for a moment, and it comes from
Michelle McCarthy, and it says,
why do they have locks on the doors
of 7-Elevens when they're
open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week?
So, we did a bit of investigating
during the week, and we think
that this may explain it.
Thank you.
Let me in. Let me in.
I promise I won't reach you from away.
I don't even expect you to listen
to my CD. I won't even try
to sell you my new cassette.
Let me in. Let me in.
The people who brought you
Glengarry, Glen Ross,
Reservoir Dogs, and every
other film set in New York
with men saying f*** a lot
now bring you E.M. Forster's
A Room with a F***ing View,
starring Maggie Smith
and Helena Bonham Carter.
Charlotte, I don't know
what I'm going to do about George.
Oh, my dear Lucy,
under the circumstances,
I think you're going to have to
say f*** George.
George, f*** you,
f*** me, no.
F*** you, you
f***ing mother f***er.
F*** you, you f***ing
mother f***ing f***er.
You're just f***ed.
And let's face it,
the only reason I wrote that sketch
is because I've just always wanted to
blow Helena Bonham Carter away.
Yay!
Unconformizing,
normal, but
not very good times. It's time for
those intellectual sparring partners,
Graham
and the Colonel.
This is Graham.
This is the Colonel.
Absolutely silly, Colonel.
No, it's not. Keep it on.
I can't do it like this.
What do you mean? It's good. It's working properly.
It's working properly.
To fill the viewers in, our cone of silence
is being repaired at the moment.
And we've been given this as a fill-in
and quite frankly, I don't think much
of that mob will be weird.
Hang on, are you casting aspersions on Captain Cone?
Is that what you're doing?
I just think we should have stuck with Cones R Us.
It's even more expensive than Here Today Cone Tomorrow.
I'll tell you what, that whole cone
of silence industry is a very competitive
industry. Especially since it's been
deregulated.
Now, just before we move on to sward,
I must send a special cheerio to my young niece,
Jackie. Congratulations.
Really? That's great. Congratulations, Jackie.
What's she done? What's happened? She's gone into university.
She's been trying for a while
to get in and now she's finally...
Which university? Oh, you ought to have seen it on telly.
The Pons Institute.
Wow. I'll tell you, the door's open
here at the Pons Institute.
I know it. See, it advertises all the...
That's a prestigious campus. They don't just let anyone
go in. No, no, no. She'll go
places from there. Oh, I think so.
She'll do anything. It's a stepping
stone. It's a stepping stone. I mean, eventually
she wants to get a job at the Cousins Laboratory.
Who doesn't? Everybody wants to know how they make
those blue granules. Good luck to her.
We should be ambitious in this day and age
to come a long way. Not far enough.
Some say, Graham, not far enough.
The Colonel was of course referring to the hoo-ha during the week
that women's sport doesn't get the media
coverage that it deserves.
Well, well, look, that may be a general
rule. That may be a general rule.
But here, on this desk, Graham and the Colonel
are certainly exceptions, aren't we? Well, you name it.
Women's volleyball, women's golf,
women's cricket, women's netball, women's
hockey. We've made fun of all of them.
We've laughed at
every single one of them. No discrimination.
Anyway, good luck to our
Aussie boys over at the Edge-Baston test.
Good to see the English warhorse
John Embry back in the team.
Doing well with the bat as well
as the ball. 55 not out.
55 not out.
He doesn't look a day over 50.
55
not out.
He's aged.
What we've done there is we've taken a comic
premise.
And taken it nowhere.
We need a holiday. A dead
set, full on, you and me, we need
a relaxing holiday. That's what you and I need.
My niece is just off on a holiday.
Before she starts at the Ponds Institute.
I think that's a good idea
because you wouldn't want to defer a year
during the Ponds University years.
You only get one offer at the Ponds Institute.
Where's she gone for a holiday?
Package tour, 14 days. They really look after you.
They really treat you well. And what's the tour?
You get kidnapped by the Kurds.
Wow, wow. Did you see the footage
on the deli? It's so relaxing there, getting
presents and on the camel ride.
I still prefer
going on a fishing vacation though.
That's more relaxing.
I think you might be right, Colonel. The Colonel and I are keen anglers.
Lots of people, lots of
we are, we are. Lots of people they ask us
what we like to fish.
They're always asking us.
Graham, Colonel, Marlin? No.
Graham, Colonel, Trout?
No. Graham, Colonel, Carp?
Carp.
The Prince of Fishers.
The Crafty Carp.
A worthy adversary.
He's the rod action
when one is trying to outsmart the carp.
You cast.
You cast.
And then reel him in.
See, he's a crafty little fella.
Reel him in.
Then there's the best bit.
Come on, get to the best bit. Then once you've caught
the carp, it's time to eat it.
How tasty
is the carp?
I feel like carp tonight.
The first thing you must do
when preparing carp,
you disinfect it.
That's the first thing you do.
And then you have to, well then you have to tenderise it.
You lay it down, stretched out flat.
Then you drive over it four or five times
in the car.
And then once you've done that you get a shallow pan
and you smack it over the head for at least
20 minutes.
You get some lemons, pelt it with the lemons
and it's carp a la Graham
and the Colonel.
And this is the Colonel.
Yes.
A nuclear war, there'd be
cockroaches and Robbie's briefcase
that it all would be left now.
We should just tell you that we're
taking a couple of weeks off. It's the middle of the series
so we won't be here for the next couple of weeks.
But stay tuned because we're going to have
a special next week.
Today's our serial from last year.
We're going to join all the episodes together
and it's one big fest of the olden days.
And then the week after that you can see
the best of the original D-Generation.
Yes, we've dragged out these old sketches
from the years 86, 87 when
everyone was a lot younger and a lot funnier
many would say.
And some of this stuff has never been repeated.
Your chance to see why. And we've got a bit of a clip
I think here of one of the cast.
Hang on.
Who's that guy?
Hang on. He's with us tonight.
Hang on. Tommy G.
Hang on. It's not Kenny everyone knows.
It's Tommy G.
I've still got the Dax too, just quietly.
Okay, I think we've seen enough of that.
I think we've seen more than enough. Come on.
Everyone had views in the 50s, Tony.
Those fans are a disgrace.
You've been watching a bit of telly this week.
What have you seen?
Well, this is live TV as you know, Tony.
And things don't always go according to plan.
The ABC News on Monday night
here in Victoria
there was a bit of industrial action
and a few little hiccups
as they describe them in the service.
But the newsreader in Victoria, Ian Henderson
decided rather ambitiously, some might say
to present the weather bulletin himself.
And here's what happened.
To the weather now. And due to circumstances beyond
our control, I'll be bringing you our
report tonight.
And didn't it turn chilly today?
Temperatures around the state generally 2 to 3
degrees below average.
Bensdale had the highest maximum
of 17. But it was a
wet day in Ararat which recorded
12 millimetres of rain.
Good news for skiers
though. There have finally been some snow
showers in the Alps.
Okay.
And...
Alright. In Melbourne
we had an overnight low of 8 and a maximum
of 14. I know that look.
A high of 30 in Darwin
showers and 13 degrees
in Adelaide.
Now to the satellite photo.
The massive cloud
lies to the east of Victoria
with a low pressure system.
And today's surface
chart also shows
a cold front in the Bight
which will ensure that conditions remain
unsettled in the forecast period.
Tomorrow's chart
shows a high near the head of the Bight
which will bring a southwesterly airflow
over Victoria. Back on track.
Down the country tomorrow.
Back off track.
Except Sydney where there's a chance of late showers.
Rain's also expected
in Canberra and as you'll hear in a moment
in Melbourne as well.
Ambitious statement.
No. No.
No. No.
No.
Now warnings and there's a strong wind warning tonight
for coastal waters east of
Rawson's Country as winds will be
12 to southwesterly.
Going well. Back on track.
In Victoria.
Scattered showers with local hail
and thunderstorms. There we are Victoria.
Fresh southwesterly winds easing
from the west.
Now the regional temperatures.
Well you're optimistic.
And they were around 14 to 15 degrees
in the north of the state.
12 to 14 in the south.
For those attending the sheep show in Hamilton tomorrow
you did need a woolly jumper.
Comedy and crisis.
Now to the bays.
We will have west
to southwesterly winds of 10 to 15
with two waves of less than a meter
increasing tomorrow.
In Melbourne an overnight low of 7 degrees
and a low of 14 degrees.
I think we've really seen enough of
Ian. I think he did well
in the circumstances though guys.
Watching that all I can think to myself is
what the hell was going on up in the control room?
And take the graphic and update.
Update.
Update.
And take the graphic.
Graphic. Graphic.
Yes.
Okay. I think we all know that feeling.
Now to take us out to
get the show back on course
competently presented television
for you now. Mickey you've got
your old friends the baby animals.
The baby animals are taking us out
with a track off their last
No. No. No.
I don't know any of the baby animals.
Right. Who do you know then Mick?
Baby John Burgess.
From Wheel of Fortune.
Okay. Right.
Baby John Burgess taking us out with
one word. Good night.
See you in three weeks. See you then.
Hey. Are you ready for this?
Oh.
I wake up feeling
the same way every day.
Yeah.
Pagan
with the pain
that I can't chase away.
So
I'm wondering
who's taking
up your sacred precious time.
Living
from day to day without a single sign.
Would I lie?
Oh no.
One word. One letter.
One line.
And I feel a whole
lot better.
One look would say
it's alright.
And I feel a whole
lot better.
My heart breaks
the way you turn your back
and carry on.
Me
and my little goods.
Because I just can't work out
why it all went wrong.
So
I'm wondering
the more I think the less I understand.
Living is easy when you're in
command.
Would I lie? Oh no.
One word.
One letter. One line.
And I feel
a whole lot better.
One look would say
it's alright.
And I feel a whole
lot better.
Whole lot better.
Whole lot better.
Yeah.