The most important stage in some ways is what happens when I then get to the computer and
start playing around with possibilities.
It's a great advantage to be able to play back a piece at the computer and to be able
to hear the detail of it, particularly if you're writing a fast piece.
For example, in the fourth song in Dead Songs, Little Jackie, Ahead of His Time, it's a very
fast song and it's continual motion.
Our little treasure, our little joy, our little sunbeam, our darling boy, Little Jackie, killed
by a taxicab in 1911 struck me as a very futuristic way to die.
Here I am, where I want to be, in the haven under the hill.
Once he bade us goodbye, his heart full of hope, gently his voice calling, God how we
miss his dear face.
When he left us that day, the grim hand of death, in his silent grave, where sleep is
without end.
So gentle, God, how we miss his dear face.
Love knows no death, spirits meet.
There's a simplicity of expression about many of the epitaphs which is really attractive
to me.
Often it's in the choice of language which although awkward has a sincerity which is
expressive of people trying to come to grips with something as profound as death and trying
to find words in their own sort of stumbling way to express that feeling.
Because the sea is so present, the elements are so strong here, there's wind and rain
in the winter months which is very destructive to the headstones and so there is this great
wearing away of people's sentiment.
So many of the headstones are falling apart literally and so you lose the ends of lines
from texts.
Initially my instinct was to complete things, to reconstruct the text, you know, just sort
of this bourgeois instinct to make everything nice and pretty but I thought now this is
a sort of powerful metaphor in itself, to leave the ends of the lines unspoken as though
something which couldn't quite be said because it's disintegrated its past, to simply leave
it as it was as a sort of half damaged, half destroyed decrepit object.
By by the free wind now force, by the emperor is my
I came across headstones which related to the shipping disaster in Sydney Harbour in
1927 when a large steamer collided with a ferry called the Greycliff and 40 people were
killed in this accident.
I thought it was very evocative to actually give the piece some sort of context, some
sort of real connection to people related to a death or deaths no more than a kilometre
away in the harbour where people cross every day and think very little about the possibility
of it being a last act.
There's a sort of wistful quality I think to some of these cemeteries and the way that
the tombs all look out towards the sea as if the souls of the dead can somehow return
to Europe, to their homeland.
I don't know what people think, I mean it's always very difficult to judge other people's
opinions.
I suspect some people would regard it as perverse or morbid.
That's alright, I'm a composer, that's practically normal for composers.
That's our program for tonight.
Next week on Compass, the troubled history of the Dead Sea Scrolls.
The secrecy, academic rivalry and debate surrounding these documents is just as intriguing as the
scrolls themselves.
I don't know, everything is so secretive, that's the problem with the whole kumral phenomenon.
Every way you always ask a simple question, you must find this very surprising.
You ask simple questions and the simpler the question, the less likely you are to get an
answer.
That's Enigma of the Dead Sea Scrolls, next Sunday night on Compass.
Hope you can join us.
Good night.
Tomorrow in Four Corners, Paul Barry continues his look at the rise and fall of Alan Bond.
One of our richest, most celebrated businessmen is now with the help of family and friends,
probably our wealthiest bankrupt.
Rich man, poor man, an exclusive investigation on Four Corners, tomorrow night at 8.30 on
ABC.
Holiday to a place where your fortune could be waiting under the next stone.
What did you do?
A murder mystery weekend at an historic hideaway.
And for those with an eye to the past, a visit to Australia's only television museum.
It's holiday, 8 o'clock Monday, ABC.
Rachel Lives on the Edge in Stark, premiering 11th of August on ABC.
We wish to advise that tonight's edition of The Late Show is rated M and contains adult
humor.
Traveling through the great outback, Wallaby Jack, Wallaby Jack.
Going off the beaten track, Wallaby Jack, Wallaby Jack.
Hasn't got a single care or realistic facial hair to cover up.
Well here we are in the great outback.
You know this place has got a thousand ways to kill you.
You could die of thirst, get bit by a snake, a billiard table could fall on you.
I guess that's not so likely.
But what we'll be looking at over the coming weeks is how to survive in this time of need.
Find shelter and most importantly, how to find your way home.
Come on.
Now before heading bush it's a good idea to let someone know where you're going.
G'day Sarge.
G'day.
Look I'm heading up bush for a couple of days.
I've got all the drum here, roots, campsites, estimated time of return.
You're right.
Okay then I'll see you in a couple of days.
Right mate.
Now let's see if we've got all the essentials, food, water, billi, almost forgot something.
Time to hit the dusty trail.
It's a great feeling jumping in the car and leaving the city behind.
Just yourself and a few essentials.
Well time to make camp for the night.
Got ourselves a bit of a fire here but what if you didn't have any matches?
You could try rubbing two sticks together like the Blackbellers but here's a simpler
method.
I've soaked this rag in a bit of petrol and one means to jump a lead back to the car.
We've got to really touch the ends together and we should have ourselves a nice little
blaze.
Let the moth row.
Here he comes. Thank you.
Ha-ha.
Thank you.
It's us again. Thank you. Welcome to The Late Show.
The real alternative to proper television
coming to you live right around Australia.
And tonight, a monster show for you
because we've got this hand here.
Oh!
I'm too scared to turn around.
Hey.
And no one even offered that man $5, folks.
There is no self-respect.
Where's the $5?
You're not getting $5 out of us, sir.
You've had your fun.
Go on. Take your tablet.
Actually, I've had more than that.
I've got a better dick.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bart Simpson's Boxer Shorts Man.
It's a new action hero.
There'll be dolls on the market shortly.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, now you know what our producer looks like.
Ha-ha-ha.
Now, uh, Nick, I've got to say this is very dangerous
stuff going on here, and I blame you for this
because, of course, we had this $5 bet going
and it's gone out of control.
Can I just say it has, uh, got out of control
and I don't need, well, to look at anyone specifically,
do I?
I think we all know who we are.
It's gone too far.
Can you please, from now on, don't send me
any more $5 dears for the jocks
because I've hung up the Bart Simpson jocks.
Uh, what I've done
is, uh, I've given them to the
National Gallery of Victoria
and they've got to put them in a big glass cabinet.
It's far up out, the Bart Simpson jocks in.
So, if you want to see them, scoot along to the gallery.
Just to let the people know the sort of suggestions
that we've been getting, tell them some of the shows
that you've been invited to appear on Nearly Naked.
Mick, aerobics Oz style.
Up the back on the little mini tramp.
Bouncing away.
Uh, but I refuse because I much prefer
to sit at home and watch that black guy do it.
Ooh, he's very good.
And a lesson in body development
to us all, you know.
Uh, what else? Uh, Ray Martin show?
They asked you to go on and jump on the couches, did they?
No, not exactly the couch. It was Angry Soapbox
to tell you the truth. Oh, Angry Soapbox.
I love Angry Soapbox.
Don't you love that? But when was it decided, Mick,
that the views and opinions of Angry Anderson
were of value to the community?
When did that happen? I wasn't at that meeting, Tone.
He's like the new Bruce Ruxton.
He's got something to say about everything,
hasn't he? Do you think people are sitting at home
making decisions just going, gee,
I think we should have the baby, but let's just
wait to see what Angry Anderson says.
I mean, what's going on there?
That's entirely true. I'd like to see a remaking of Apocalypse Now,
right, where Marty Sheen goes up the river.
And at the end when he gets to the cave,
Marlon Brando's not in it, but it's Angry Anderson
jumping up and down in the soapbox
going completely mad. That would be a viable alternative.
But he's not the only one. Have you seen
Billy Idol is now doing ads?
This is true. Doing ads for
anti-drink, anti-drug ads.
Billy Idol, it's just him standing there going,
OK, right, this is Billy Idol
saying, hi kids, and stop taking
drugs and stop drinking
alcohol. And I'm sure kids all over
the world are looking at that going, after
you.
Be my guest. It's like being told by
James Brown to drive carefully
or told by Madonna to
wrap up warm. It's a
bring true. Now, I've got to put an announcement
to make. I won't be able to do the intro with you next week,
Tone, because I'm leaving the show.
And I'm doing this
because I plan to join the CSIRO.
CSIRO? What's going on there?
CSIRO?
It's a legitimate career opportunity.
Well, you've heard what they're doing. Right.
The CSIRO guys, right, they're about to be given the arse.
So what they've done is they've
staged some of the harshest industrial action
I've ever seen.
They're staging a work-in.
They've said,
bugger it, we're not going to go home, we're going to work harder,
we're going to work all night, and we're not going to stop.
And
this is going to work, is it? Yeah.
This is going to show the government that they're not really
not to be messed with.
I think they're going to go even further, Mick. They're threatening to take
pay cuts and sack themselves if necessary.
Oh, good men of the CSIRO,
we salute you.
But we do have a big show for you tonight,
and I should just warn you that, yes,
big guest tonight, John Hewson,
is with us.
Listen, Mick, listen,
you can hear crickets.
Because that's the sort of reaction
that his name inspires these days.
Really does. Is he still the leader
of the opposition?
Yes, he is. Really? Yes, he is. Although if you ask me
at the end of the show,
it might have changed. Right, because he's appearing
on television all the time saying, yes, I'm still the
leader of the Liberal Party, but he's got this look in his eye.
He's got this look where you just know
that he's already started stealing stationery.
He's already
loading up the bird.
He's like the guy at the ladder in the
reflex commercial, you know?
Oh, no!
Stick around, John Hewson
joining us, and a very special
musical finale to the program, as always.
But it all starts here with Tommy G,
pants free, at the News Desk.
APPLAUSE
Good evening. This is the Late Show News,
and heading our bulletin tonight,
it's been a week of natural disasters.
In Japan, hundreds have
died in a frightening earthquake.
In America, floods continue to ravage
the Midwest. Whilst in England, they're bracing
themselves for the big one, Greg Norman
to choke in the third round of the British Open.
Could happen at any moment.
Back home in the slaggy match between Optus and Telecom
reached a climax this week,
with Optus accusing Telecom of sabotaging
its calls.
Their suspicions were aroused when this
ad appeared in several newspapers during
the week. I was suspicious. However,
Optus got its own back when Telecom's
chief spokesperson was interrupted during
a press conference.
Hello, Philip, it's John Blackman.
LAUGHTER
Overseas again, and President Clinton
this week paid a visit to South Korea,
where he met with US troops
and showed off his extensive military know-how.
LAUGHTER
Hang on,
mind you, Clinton wasn't the only
world leader making a dick of himself.
Check out Boris Yeltsin.
That is the last time he agrees to take
part in the Siberian gay Mardi Gras.
LAUGHTER
To Japan now, and the election campaign
is hot and up, with voters going to the polls
tomorrow. Front runner
is Hiroshi Omizuki, who is campaigning
on a promise to clean up corruption
and find out who stole the sleeves from his jacket.
LAUGHTER
Mr Mizaki's runny mate is also doing well in the polls,
especially following his win in the Miss Japan pageant.
Meanwhile, the Japanese PM
was off inspecting damage from this week's earthquake.
The PM was visibly upset,
not by the destruction, but the fact they made him wear a
uniform left over from Bridge on the River Kwai.
LAUGHTER
Music news now, and Dame Joan Sutherland
this week returned to Australia in a slightly
new role as a singing teacher.
Dame Joan spent several hours
working with all sorts of budding opera stars,
including sopranos,
tenors,
and kissheads.
LAUGHTER
To sport,
and the Wallabies rugby team
today went to New Zealand.
They went down to New Zealand in the Bledisloe Cup.
Last minute omission from the team
was fullback Marty Roebuck, who managed
to tie his own shoe at training during the week
and was ruled too intelligent to play.
Meanwhile, his colleagues left for Dunedin,
looking relaxed, confident...
And, yes, just a little bit
John Inman.
LAUGHTER
Now, I've been doing this news service for over a year now
and I've been wondering why it's not
getting the respect I think it deserves.
You know what? I've finally worked it all out.
We don't have a weather segment.
So, rectify the situation, please.
LAUGHTER
Let's cross now for the latest
in Leedshow weather to our weatherman.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Hello.
And how are you this evening?
Very well.
How are you?
Good.
Well, enough of the sparkling repartee.
As you can see, this is a map
of Australia with clouds on it.
So, if you see
a cloud tomorrow, that's probably it.
LAUGHTER
Unless, of course, you're there
and you'll probably see that cloud there.
Oh!
Tomorrow, everything
will be very squiggly.
LAUGHTER
Watch out for the H.
If you live over here,
beware because there's a line with
pointy things coming your way
and it could have your eye out.
LAUGHTER
Also, be careful
if you live here
or here or there
or there because there's going to be explosions.
LAUGHTER
And someone
put up a flag there.
Well, that's
about it for the weather.
And before we go,
I think we have some spectacular pictures
from our time-lapse camera
on our roof, which we set up today.
As you can see, it was a very
clear morning and then,
as the day progressed, it stayed clear.
LAUGHTER
And it finished off quite clear indeed.
Very, very spectacular
pictures.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
It was fabulous.
They made me look completely different.
They did my hair,
make-up, everything.
I was delighted with the result.
And my boyfriend's reaction was just great.
He said,
You look like a complete slut.
Why didn't you just buy me a copy of Jugs Ahoy?
And then he left me.
So, thank you, Page 3 Studios.
I'd recommend you to any
girl who doesn't know how to get that
one special completely out of their lives.
Page 3 Studios,
because every lady
deserves to be photographed
looking like a cheap prostitute.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Well, Jane,
live television is full of surprises.
It's pretty scary, isn't it?
And I don't know who that man was that left up
during the intro, but I just know I want to have his children.
Absolutely.
Absolutely. All right, now, you might have seen this week
the front cover of Who magazine.
I think we've all seen this young girl,
Katie Moss. She is the hottest
model around at the moment. It's this new
skin and bone look, and I'd rather
like to refer to these girls more as skinny bitches.
But I don't know where you're getting skinny from.
I think she could take off a couple of pounds.
Absolutely. I think she makes Colin McCulloch
look like a dipstick, Jane.
She's an absolute heifer. So, what we did is
we actually went out on the streets and found out
that she was a little bit more skinny than everyone else thought.
Would you like to wrap your arms around a girl like that?
Um,
no, I should have to have a bit more meat on her than that, I think.
Seriously, though, if she came up to you and said,
look, I think you're a bit of a spunk, and do you want to play hide the salami?
Are you telling me you'd go on?
No, I'm one of those snags, you know?
Oh.
What do you reckon is going on with this thing in the 60s
where we had Twiggy
and we have Penelope Tree?
Doesn't she look like an embryo?
This is the young model. This is Katie Moss.
Katie Moss, yeah.
Katie, you're talking like she's your next door neighbour.
I saw her, um,
she was featured, she was very big in London.
I was in London in December, so...
So now you're just showing off, really, aren't you?
Her head seems a lot bigger than her body, right?
What's wrong with her head, is it?
No, I'm not hurt.
I'm actually thinner than that.
What do you think about the top? It's a little bit sheer, isn't it?
It's a bit rude.
Oh, I didn't see that.
She's wearing a piece of string, really, isn't she?
She hasn't got a bra at all.
I'm sorry for that.
You're happy just with your own look?
Not really.
Oh, that's nonsense. You should be.
A girl like you on rollerblades,
you've got your whole life ahead of you.
You did burn your bra in the 70s.
I never burnt my bra.
You never burnt your bra. That's probably a wise move.
I'm very well known.
Oh, are you? I'm very well known.
Like above board well known?
Above board well known.
See this girl here? She's the hottest model around at the moment.
Kate Moss is her name.
What do you reckon of her look? I think she's a bit skinny.
Very, very ordinary to be perfectly candid.
Yeah?
Very, very ordinary.
So if she came up to you and put the hard word on, you'd say,
Kate, I'm sorry, babe, but it's just not on.
I'd say, Kate, I'm available, but I'm real hard to get.
I'll tell you what, this is...
I'm a little worried that her top looks like it could have been made out of your hair.
Do you think she's sexy or do you think she's a bit too thin?
Well, she seems to have a fair figure, a big... fairly big bosom.
I love a big bosom.
Oh, always. Yeah, always have.
I had a rocky sand dune treatment.
I had all this pressing pressure. I was...
Shut up.
That's exactly the same way. Thank you.
What about Diana Dawes?
That was a big...
I'm back a long way now.
She was British in English film style.
She had a big bosom too.
Very attractive.
Very attractive. You don't think she might be a bit on the thin side?
Could do with a little bit more meat.
Could do with a bit more meat?
I think she could do with a blue beanie too, couldn't she?
What do you mean?
Well, it's only death and life, isn't it?
You know, when we started talking about models,
I didn't think we were going to get onto such questions.
But you're right, there is only death and life.
And I reckon she's a bit too close to death there.
I like your hat, may I say.
Because I had operations, that's why I need to...
Oh, now what sort of an operation?
Oh, something to do with the brain.
Something to do with the brain?
That sounds a little like a lobotomy.
That's very beautiful.
Very beautiful.
Do you think she might be just a bit too thin?
Oh, no.
No.
She, that band-aid's a good accessory, isn't it?
No, well, I think women are women,
regardless of what year they're born in.
Women are women. You're a philosopher.
Well, it's the truth, isn't it?
Yep, women are women.
And men are men, Gav.
One sits down and one stands up, and I mean, there's no...
What do you reckon about the models from different decades?
From the 70s to the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s.
Well, what's the question?
Well, when do you think they're at their peak?
When do you think girls look the best?
Best at what?
Gav, have you had a couple of beers?
I have, I'm a bit under the weather.
But I'm not absolutely off-be face.
And I love Big Baller, I reckon, Easter.
Good on you.
Thank you.
CHEERING
I would never have kicked that fella
if he was a Mick Malloy fan.
I would never have picked him either,
and I think the man that liked a big bosom
was a Mick Malloy fan too, Jane.
Absolutely, and I think we all know who that guy was.
I'm very well known. I'm very well known.
Actually, now, Judith, have you ever considered
sort of being a supermodel?
Oh, well, I've got the look for it, sure.
But no, because, Jane, in reality,
we all know that supermodels have got
coke habits and eating disorders,
and they're all going to marry the oldest, ugliest rock star
they can get their hands on.
But, you know, keep the count.
CHEERING
I don't understand why they're answering questions
in the same old, boring fashion
of hearing cliched responses
time and time again
just dribbling out of their mouths.
Well, that can all change
when they join the grooming school
for AFL footballers.
This is Essendon player Tim Watson
before he enrolled in the course.
Jimmy, you played well last week.
All the boys played well. You know, it's really good
to get a win under our belt, but we're not getting carried away.
You know, if you look at our team, we really are
a champion team, not a team of champions.
Right. What about the finals?
Well, look, we can't look that far ahead.
You know, really, we've got to take each week as it comes,
and, you know, the finals are a long way off.
Right. And will you be playing on again next year?
Well, I haven't decided at this stage.
You know, I'll sit down with the match committee
at the end of the season, and, you know,
they'll look at the way I've played throughout the year,
and then, you know, really, we'll just have to sit down
and decide amongst ourselves.
Terrific.
Yeah, a bit tragic, Jimmy.
You must admit you sounded like a bit of a dickhead back then.
Yeah, I was very disappointed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But now Tim can safely say that he escaped
the stock standard of applies from which
all professional footballers suffer.
Because at the Grooming School for AFL footballers,
our graduates learn specific techniques
in handling an interview.
No cliched responses,
no false modesty,
and lessons in saying exactly what you think.
Tim, you played a great game last week.
Good. I was shit-hot last week.
Um...
Actually, I've been bloody good since I've come back.
And, uh...
I've just been a little bit disappointed with the way
some of the other boys have been...
And, um...
Timmy, what about the finals?
Hey, who gives a rat's ass about the finals?
There's a couple of important things
that are going on at the moment.
First, I've got to get paid.
And, you know, with the way I've been playing,
it's never enough.
And secondly, I'm still organising the Players'
Trip Away at the end of the year.
Timmy, the big question, will you be playing on next year?
No, I don't need to do this bullshit.
I'd much rather get back up there
in the commentary box with Dennis
and Bruce and the boys and chew on doughnuts
and hang shit on the bikes we're playing today.
Right, Tim.
So, don't delay. If you're an AFL footballer,
join the Grooming School for AFL footballers.
It's a decision you won't regret.
Now, Tim, I believe you're playing tomorrow,
so I guess it's straight home to bed for you.
Oh, no, no, it's only 11 o'clock.
I've got to pick up Vanda and then, you know,
Bomber Tompton and go to the other bikeshare.
You're off? Yeah, we're out tonight.
I'll be there tomorrow, though.
I'll be on time. Yeah, no worries, Tim.
APPLAUSE
And now, as we ask you
at TV Sensation,
Mr Cameron Datto!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Those Danos are versatile, aren't they?
They certainly are.
I'm not being personal. I hope I'm not pro being
here, Jude, but what's that you've got there in your hot little hat?
I've just got a copy of Lovable Loneliness here, Mick,
since you rejected me every time.
Look, I've got to say, I didn't write that line
and I've never been happy about saying it,
but no, since then, since...since then...
No, no, no, please, let's go back.
Are you suggesting I would have made you say that, Judith,
for the purposes of this particular sketch?
That's exactly what I'm saying, yeah.
Yeah, and you're damn right to.
Now, tell me about it.
We all know you've just been begging me for it.
Now, um...
LAUGHTER
The Lovable Loneliness.
Yes.
Now, why do you need that? Because every time I see you,
you're absolutely knee-deep in the blokes, aren't you?
You're beating them off with a big stick.
Why do you have to resort to that for?
Well, because it's that thing, you know, Mick,
you can drink a slab of beer, you can have sex with a stranger
that you don't really like and somehow still be left
feeling empty in the morning.
It's quite amazing, but Judith's right, girls.
In fact, you know, often you go home and you sleep with a guy
and when you're under the weather, you're not even sure
exactly what he looks like and you've already organised
the second date.
So when he turns up, you're expecting to see someone
looking, well, a lot like this...
LAUGHTER
..when in reality,
you're going to see someone looking a little bit more like this.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Let's take one more look, shall we?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Get out of here, Alfie, you...
shit magnet!
So what me and Judith thought we'd do,
what we thought we'd do is give you a quick instructional guide
on how to go about, well,
going about making that first date,
that very first awkward date
and it's a bit of an instructional guide telling you
the do's and the don'ts.
You with me?
I'm with you, I'm with you.
All the way, Mick, and you may scoff,
but sometimes this can be the first step.
I mean, you know, you read your letters
and, girls, you've got to find the right letter.
I was very taken with this one.
Hi, I'm the kind of guy
who ain't lunch on his own a lot as a child
and has always been just a little too interested
in science fiction.
Now, can I ask at this stage, even though I'm talking,
is Mick's face just working overtime?
LAUGHTER
Cos I've always thought he works that camera
like a woman.
Now, I've been unemployed
for several...
I've been unemployed for several years
and have a severe drinking problem.
I'm looking for someone
who's absolutely gorgeous and who, in reality,
wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.
Hello, Mr Right.
Because, girls,
here's a tip for you, always go into a relationship
with really low expectations.
If you don't have the letter I put in there,
by any chance...
Oh, hi, I'm Mick
and I love a root.
I'm a bit of a worksmith, lads.
I'm a bit of a worksmith.
You don't think that was a little bit mushy, do you?
A little bit... Yeah.
Last time I was a guy I was thinking I'm a bit of a wimper.
Speaking for the ladies, I've got to say
I'm just sick to the guts of this sensitive,
new-age guy angle. I mean, I read that
and I thought, what's he really saying?
And the other thing is, where's your photo?
I didn't actually have time to send it in,
but I have brought one along tonight.
That's a very good shot, Mick.
Yeah, I was having a particularly good hair day,
I think, on this particular day.
See, if you looked like that more often,
you could make a lot of crappy cop films with Danny Glover.
But he's absolutely right, girls.
It's always better to go for a photo of that calibre
as opposed to something like this.
Although, personally, ooh la la.
But now, so you've done all of that,
you've sent your photos off,
you've sent your letter off, then you've just got to kick back
and relax and wait for Mr Right to go,
mm, telecom or Optus, and give you a call.
Right then. Nah, telecom or Optus.
Let's just give it a go, shall we, lads?
Now, remember, this is the most important part.
Whatever you do, remember, remain cool,
calm, and don't take any crap from the other end.
This is how it goes.
Hey, hello, guys. Look, I won't be into work today.
I'm sick as a dog.
Now let's ring that babe.
All right, now, watch Mick Malloy
weave a bit of the magic here.
Oh, hello.
Ah, hello.
That'd be Judith, would it?
Absolutely. That's a lovely name.
A lovely name for a lovely lady.
Can I just get something off my chest straight away?
I'm sick of the patriarchal society we live in
and the way women are constantly suppressed.
Oh, yeah, look, that's terrific,
but I'm actually just really hanging out for some sex
at the moment, and I'd probably sleep with you
if you were John Singleton.
Just one second, please.
OK, so maybe we can get together a little later.
Yeah, that's great, but can I just...
In this letter that you sent describing yourself,
can I just check a few things?
Hey, sure, shoot.
Were you really a Spanish matador?
Yeah, yeah, till I got gored by a bull fatally.
Well, not fatally, but...
And you really danced with a Russian ballet?
Oh, yeah, me and your A.F.
Rudy. Rudy Meister.
He's a woofer from way back, Jim.
And you also say you like making love to Bolero.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I like making love to Bolero,
either that or the Graham and the Colonel theme music.
Oh, yeah, that is pretty much...
There we go.
But now, which one of the Chippendales were you exactly?
Ah, ooh, I was the one at the back,
the Italian-looking guy who could do that thing
with his nipples where one goes up and one goes down,
and when you do it really fast, it looks like
they're chasing each other around the chest.
Yeah, but look, the one I really couldn't believe,
did you really write for the comedy company?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I also wrote for Jerry Connolly.
I also wrote for the Banana Splits.
That was a while ago, but it was one of my first jobs.
And probably after this show,
I'll go back to writing for something else.
But can I say thank you for us.
No, really, I can't.
OK.
And I could be in trouble after the show.
I think so.
All righty, bad news, Alfie.
You've got to go.
But, hey, don't go changing.
Now, OK, girls, now, this is the important bit.
You've got to actually prepare for that date,
and I always say that relaxation is the key.
So, you know, run yourself a nice bath,
maybe a chamomile tea,
and, of course, then get yourself a four-litre cask and a funnel.
And don't forget to pack away anything
that might be a bit embarrassing,
like maybe those Billy Fields records.
I mean, the bad habits wasn't catchy in its heyday,
but this is exciting.
This is the big moment the man on the other side of this door
could change your life forever.
I'll make you feel a bit sick tomorrow.
Have you seen the light of God?
Is it?
I don't know.
The one on the right was kind of cute.
This is it. This is really the date.
And you know, there's a right way and there's a wrong way.
This is the right way.
I'm a little nervous, actually.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, lovely lady, why don't you make yourself pretty
and I'll be in the car.
Moonlight lady.
See you there.
Yeah, like a man that has his hand down his pants.
Now, this is the wrong way.
You know Knackers and the Boys?
Hey, you've got those Billy Fields records.
I can't help myself. Bad habits.
I'm choking.
I think you all agree, a tremendous bit of yobbo acting.
In fact, let's bring them out.
Let's bring them out for a bow.
Thank you.
Yobbo acting, yobbo acting, it's best and it's finest.
It's truly finest.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Don't go, don't go.
Poor Jane, look at her.
Look what she's been reduced to.
No, that was a big ask asking you to do that.
It's a special treat.
We've got a prize for you.
Alfie.
Where's he gone?
He's probably in the car.
I'll go and chase him.
Alfie.
That's just about the end of the demonstration.
All that's left to be done now is to go on the big first date.
Unfortunately, me and Judith don't have the time
and particularly I don't have the interest to go on that date right now.
But what we've done is recorded a date we went on prior to today's show.
Well, I think it was a success.
Well, Mick, I know there might be a bit of resentment there now
but I tell you on the night you were pushing all the right buttons.
Go to my head
And you linger like a haunting refrain
And I find your spray round in my brain
I find your spray round in my brain
You go to my head
Like a simple smile
APPLAUSE
Well, I think we could probably all do with a bit of a toilet break now
and we've got another gem from the potluck vaults from you.
So you've basically got two choices.
You can whip out and put the jug on
or you can stick around and enjoy the extraordinary choreography
and music of Alan and Brenda.
I'm a young baby kisser
I'm going to the river
If you will only sing
That's what he river
Rockabye, you're rockabye baby
With a Dixie melody
LAUGHTER
I'll be on my knees
And I'll sing that song
LAUGHTER
Well, I'll let you
Just as though you had me on your knee
I'm a young baby kisser
I'm going to the river
If you will only sing
That's what he river
Rockabye, you're rockabye baby
With a Dixie melody
Ding!
I'm having trouble, darling
Now, one more time, boys
We've known your money
Come on and sing that song again for me
Come on, get me, honey
Oh, black Joe
Just as though you had me on your knee
Don't you mind me more, yeah
I'm a young baby kisser
I'm going to the river
If you will only sing
That's what he river
Rockabye, you're rockabye baby
With a Dixie melody
Ding!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Alright, let's find out what brought it.
What did you think of Helen and Bernard?
I absolutely deplore untidy, sloppy workers
who don't know which is front stage and which is back stage.
Excuse me, Mr. Mommon.
Could you be nice with her because it's her fault?
I can tell women are dreadful to have to play with, especially tall Sheilas.
But, boy, when she swung a leg, I forgave her for everything.
Good gams there, girl.
Get them down front stage, let's see them all.
At least you're amusing.
You're dreadfully disorganised, but you were amusing and the song was hateful.
I gave you 34.
APPLAUSE
The song was hateful.
Yes.
Thank you, Bernard, thank you, Helen, and thank you, the lovely Brenda.
Now, time to answer some late mail, and I've received a letter from Phil Simon,
and he writes, my question concerns Mick Malloy's alleged sexual prowess.
He's always portrayed on your show as a real super stud.
Who could forget his performance in the Love Line sketch?
There's a bit of it there.
It's my favourite moment.
Yes.
But Phil wants to know, is this portrayal really accurate?
Well, we've got a lot of letters like this in the last few weeks,
and Mick's not giving too much away.
So I have got a clip here which may throw some light on the subject.
OK, Mick doesn't know we're here, but this is Mick's bedroom.
Come with me.
I can just smell the history in this place.
And this is Mick's bed here.
It might look like a normal bed to you at home,
but it does have one very special feature.
Any sort of sudden overly violent movement and...
LAUGHTER
That's what I call safe sex.
There's no documentary evidence for you now, Jane.
Jane, have you got something more tasteful for us?
Well, I hope so, Tony.
This is a letter from Lynette Cousins from Bellwennaldy, New South Wales.
And among other things, she writes,
How do you as a woman protect yourself from attack?
Well, this is a tough one, Lynette,
because women these days are coming under attack all the time,
at home, on the street, in the Supreme Courts.
Oh!
Thanks for all the support on that one.
But, personally, I find the best method of personal security
is the Late Show Personal Alarm.
Now, all you have to do is press this button
and you'll get 200 decibels of...
Michael Bolton!
Ah!
No, not Michael Bolton!
Not Michael Bolton!
Has it stopped?
Yes.
Join us. Join us again, please.
But that's out in the ABC shops.
Rob, have you got something for us?
Michael Bolton!
Yes, now, Tony, what is the question we get asked most?
Oh, well, who was that nut in the underpants?
That's what I've been asked in the last half hour the most, Rob.
Well, in actual fact, if you were serious for one moment,
it would be, how did you all meet?
And how did we all meet?
Well, that letter came from Gus Berryman of Benalla.
We see it up there.
Basically, we get a lot of letters like that.
Tom, Santo and I met at school.
And we met when we were selected to be on It's Academic.
It's kind of a start.
We'll move along and see if Ivanhoe are ready.
Are you, Ross?
It's actually Rob, Mr Harwood.
Good, then, Casey, look at the paper.
Number 13, please, Mr Harwood.
Number 13.
All right, Ivanhoe.
Which King of England was executed in 1649?
King Wally Lewis.
I have a question, do you like it?
Will it be asked, do you associate Lord Byron with...
Kickboxing, which is poetry.
Right.
In which European country was the Civil War fought between 1936 and 1939?
Tonga.
Spain, yes.
How much change should you receive from $7
if you purchase seven items at 98 cents each?
What are the items?
It's a bit sad.
Because if it's like fruit, then you're getting ripped off.
Which one's the greatest?
14 cents.
Right, of which country is the isthmus of Corinth apart?
Tonga.
Greece is the answer.
What would be kept in a menagerie?
Menages.
No, animals is the answer.
Which is the larger of the two species of elephant?
Tongan.
No, the answer can be larger.
What would take place?
Tonga.
China is the answer.
Which famous European river flows from the Black Forest to the Black Sea?
Marimbi.
Spelt burlesque.
B-U-R-L-E-S-Q-U-E.
In the market for a computer but confused with all the choices and jargon?
Then you should buy the Y-Tang SX5024863.
The Y-Tang is no ordinary computer.
It's the only computer that comes with its own turntable.
So now you can show off your computer to friends and family
like they do in real department stores.
Most computers are made for the
So much to get through tonight.
And you know...
What?
There's an air of expectation in the air.
I can feel it. I can cut it with a knife.
What are you...
And maybe, it may be unwarranted,
but there's an air of expectation tonight.
And we are sure to disappoint.
Good luck to Greg Norman.
Good luck to him.
Doing so well at the British Open.
He's coming third.
It's being held in Sandwich Kent.
Sandwich?
Yes.
It's in Sandwich, is it?
Yes, yes.
Tell me a story about Sandwich.
For those of you who don't know it,
back in the 16th century, during a late night card game,
the Earl of Sandwich asked for two slices of bread
with a piece of meat in between,
and hence the name Midnight Snack.
That's the story.
That's the true story.
There's an air of expectation tonight.
And kids, if you want to know more interesting facts like that,
you can't go past Graham and the Colonel's World Book Encyclopedia,
because week by week it builds into a worthless heap of hearsay
and speculation for the whole family to discard.
Graham, did you know that the skipper of the HMS Endeavour
was Captain Stubing?
It's true.
Here's another fact, Colonel.
Did you know that 93% of the surface of the world is water,
and the other 7% is pebble mix?
That's very handy, so you don't slip and fall
into that 93% of water.
Is there anything about Tonga in here?
I'm just looking.
Apparently the Boxer Rebellion was held in Tonga.
The Minajah is an animal that does this.
Listen to this.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is not only famous for composing musicals,
he also invented the amazing barbecue...
The Webber barbecue.
The expectation, I heard it there.
Champagne!
Thank you.
You know, in about ten years' time, Colonel,
we'll be doing that Aswani River.
There's an air of expectation.
We'll be doing it in two weeks' time.
Anyway, let's get back to sport, Colonel.
During the week, the Andercross was named Horse of the Year.
Oh, what a wonderful horse.
Let's just hope he never requires my services on the racetrack.
Touch wood, just to fill the viewers in.
The Colonel's job at the races is to put the horses out of their misery.
If they have an unfortunate form.
It's a morbid job, but someone's got to do it.
Yeah, well, just...
Bang!
Just...
Bang!
Just...
Just quietly, Colonel.
I reckon you enjoy the job.
What are you insinuating?
Just because I get excited when I...
You can't deny you get a little bit trigger-happy sometimes.
Oh, you're unbelievable.
Well, Colonel, the stewards know you as Dr. Death.
Hey, come on. That was just a nickname.
What, the Rose Hill Home Straight Massacre?
As you're doing?
How should I know that they only wanted me to put down one horse at a time?
You should have asked.
The Warwick Farm Third Hurdle Ambush.
Well, OK, that was my mistake.
Maybe I shouldn't have used a machine gun.
I mean, I just... I didn't mean to do that.
That air of expectation is just...
It's swelling and building...
Never stop during a list, please.
The gunfight at the Doomban Mountain Yards.
That was a media beat-up.
But you can't put horses down with landmines, Colonel.
It's so hit and miss.
Anyway, have you had to put up the big white screen recently, Kev?
Yes, yes, I've had to put up the big white screen, but not at the racetrack.
You know that... I don't know what his name is.
I think he's either the electric cowboy or the electric horseman.
Oh, yeah, the guy with the cowboy having a horse with the flashing lights on the Ray Martin show.
Well, he had a terrible accident during the week on the Ray Martin show.
And luckily, I happened to have been in the audience at the time, so I was there.
Such a senseless waste of an innocent Christmas tree.
Both our lives flashed in front of my face then.
There's that expectation again.
Shoved you at the work during the day, right?
Come on, you've just got to move this ahead. Come on.
No, I'm going to just sit here and take my time with it tonight.
Great.
Tonga. Tonga.
I was wrong about that air of expectation.
Shock news during the week. The Australian War Corporation has decided...
I've lost all of my voice.
Has decided to stop providing uniforms to our Olympic team.
You're kidding. Wow. Wow. Who's going to make their uniforms now?
Well, Yakka said they'll fit up the team in overalls. Yakka?
Yes, Yakka. Yakka.
As long as the IOC promise to introduce this sport to the Olympics.
Oh, Yakka. Oh, Yakka.
That was racist. The hand card on the race.
Keep it going, Maria. Oh, Yakka.
This is great. This is the Colonel.
And this certainly was hard. Yakka.
Yeah, you'll be pleased to hear that's just about it for tonight's show.
But before we go, Jane, we had a bit of a showbiz outing a few weeks ago.
We had a celebrity event. I don't know if you remember,
but recently it was Ernie and Denise's 1000th show.
And to celebrate, they had a bit of a party and they televised it
and they invited all of us along and they said, bring your camera along, guys.
So we did. We did. There we are, arriving at Channel 9.
The illustrious halls, very glamorous.
Everyone's got their photo up at Channel 9. Judith was lagging behind it.
Remember what we called her? Yep. That's right.
Very unprofessional. So I went along to apologise to Darryl.
I had to find his dressing room. Being the diplomat.
Being the diplomat of the group. And Darryl wasn't in, unfortunately.
But his drums were. Yes, absolutely.
And then we lost Judith again for a while.
She went off hobnobbing with the stars.
She's always running off on us. There she is.
She's looking for Mike Willisie and he's got a very flashy dressing room.
Very plush dressing room. But he wasn't in either, was he?
No, he wasn't in either.
No, but...
Yeah. No, it's all right.
It's been cleared, apparently. Absolutely.
Very tough. Very tough, there.
Jane, you went home.
Oh, yeah, Joe Bailey's my friend, so I'm just sort of going, say g'day.
Oh, no. Enough.
Unbelievable. Enough of that.
Too much. Here we are. The party's going on.
Denise and Lennie there.
Denise and some celebrities there. And Red Simons.
All sorts of people. Oh, us.
We were...
Denise is the head of Channel 9 programming. Oh, yeah, sorry.
Now, this was interesting.
We saw Marty Monster and we got to thinking, who the heck is inside Marty Monster?
Marty's wanted to know.
So we decided, yeah, while he was off on the side and the show was going to air...
Yeah?
...we thought we'd just pay Marty a bit of a visit and find out the exact story.
Who is in that story?
Now you know.
Marty. There he is.
There they are.
And I'm afraid that is all we've got time for.
Next week, a show where everybody keeps their pants on and everyone stays happy.
But to take us out, Mickey, I'm going to give you one more chance.
For a musical for tonight...
Oh, yeah, no, no. You've got to go in the kernel for one week and you've got to come running back with your tail between your legs...
I mean...
...because you know I'm the man for the job.
I was wrong to doubt and I've made a simple request.
Get me Barnsy. Jimmy Barnes, have you got him?
To take us out under the credits this evening.
Jimmy Barnes.
Barnsy.
No, I don't have Jimmy Barnes.
But I do have Jimmy Hannon.
Jimmy Hannon.
Here he comes now.
I'm sure that's what you said.
I'm sure that's what you did.
Jimmy Barnes.
Nice to meet you.
It's been a bit of a mix-up here.
Do you know any Jimmy Barnes numbers?
Yeah, yeah. River Deep, Mountain High.
No, no, no.
We need Working Class Man.
That's his theme song.
Rock and roll. Heavy.
With Working Class Man.
Jimmy Hannon. Good night.
Rock and roll.
Yeah, rock and roll.
Oh, yeah. Rock and roll.
Oh.
Working hard
to make a living
Bringing shelter from
the rain
Father, son left to carry
on Blue denim
in their veins
Oh, oh, oh, oh
He's a working class man
He's a field town
disciple
He's a legend in his time
Running like a cyclone
across that wild
Midwestern sky
Oh, oh, oh, oh
He's a working class man
He believes in
God and Elvis
He gets out when he can
He did his time in Vietnam
Still mad at Uncle Sam
He's a simple man
with a heart of gold
in a complicated land
Oh
He's working class man
Well, he loves that little woman
Someday she'll be his wife
Saving all his overtime
For that one love
in his life
He ain't worried
about tomorrow
Cause he just made up his mind
Life's too short
for burning bridges
Take it one day
at a time, yeah
Oh
Oh, he's a working class man
He's a working class man
Come on
He's a working class man
Ready?
He's a working class man
Very good, very good
Oh, oh, oh, oh, he's a working class man