So saddle up, and giddy up, and join us today.
Shout at your neighbors and round up the kids.
Russell up some popcorn, you'll be glad that you did.
For riders in the sky are ready to go,
With a tumbleweed theater show.
When the guns start blazing, all the bad men will fall,
And the white-atted heroes are still standing tall.
You'll be riding with them as they gallop along,
Rounding up the doggies with the yodeling song.
Welcome to the best of tumbleweed theater,
Starring Riders in the Sky,
Two Slim, a man of many hats,
Woody Paul, the king of the cowboy fiddlers,
And Ranger Doug, the idol of American youth.
So hold on to your hats, buckaroos and buckarets.
Cause riders in the sky are ready to go,
With a tumbleweed theater show.
I'm dressing up in style for in a little while,
I'm gonna ride into town,
For every cowboy pal I know will lift his heel and toe,
When Bay Day rolls around.
And so I'm feeling fine, because there's lots of time,
Before we're all homeward bound,
To work and slay the cattle, sweat and swear and battle,
Until Bay Day rolls around.
Now what does the cowboy do,
When all of his work get through,
Just what I'm gonna do now?
With money to spend and jingle off into town,
To mingle with all my friends I allow.
Oh, and maybe some blue-eyed gal will wait for her prong,
Or pal to ride o'er the hot desert ground.
Maybe true heart and golden hair knows that I'll soon be there,
When Bay Day rolls around.
I'm dressing up in style for in a little while,
I'm gonna ride.
So I'm feeling fine, because there's lots of time,
Before we're all homeward bound,
To work and slay the cattle, sweat and swear and battle,
Until Bay Day rolls around.
When Bay Day rolls around.
Friends, have you tried to buy a hamburger lately?
Then you know that the cost of beef is skyrocketing.
Shortages and increased labor costs have forced beef prices through the roof.
What can you do to take advantage of this situation?
Plenty!
Hollywood, the film capital of the world,
Has been hard hit by these astronomical increases in the cost of beef on the hoof.
In their hour of need, casting directors are crying for trained personnel,
Who can step into the glamorous world of show business
As a well-paid, highly respected animal impersonator.
Everything under control, Stubby?
How do I know I'm on the wrong end of the tunnel?
Woo!
Westerns are coming back, announcing the Mammoth School for vocational doggy training.
We've swung open our corral gates and we're now accepting applications.
If you enroll now, you can expect to learn the most closely guarded secrets
Of Hollywood animal impersonation techniques in a few short weeks.
You will learn, one, to apply your own make-up.
Two, the ever-popular lowing.
Moo!
See? No difficult lines to learn.
And three experts will teach you the exotic techniques of milling.
Always in high demand in Tinseltown.
And if you act now and enroll before midnight,
We include the graduate course in, are you ready for this?
Stampeding!
Moo!
Yes, the vigorous exercise will literally add years to your life.
And you'll be earning a handsome salary at the same time.
Now, friends, think of the salaries that top stars are commanding
For a single motion picture today.
What would you expect to pay for your ticket
On a non-stop one-way rocket to the top in celluloid city?
A million dollars?
You could make that back in one picture.
A half a million dollars?
Chicken feed to Al Pacino?
A hundred thousand dollars?
Small change on Rodeo Drive?
Well, put away your pocket calculator.
I am going to make you a top Hollywood doggy
Or my name is not Elphilo Mammoth
For the incredible low rate of 99.99.
Yes, you heard me right.
For only $99.99, you can be a glamorous doggy
On the fabled silver screen.
I heard that.
Right you are, Larry.
So call 1-800-VO-DOGY.
Call today.
Do it soon.
Do it now.
Remember, this educational opportunity is tax deductible.
Call today.
That's 1-800-VO-DOGY.
Do it now.
Avoid the stampede.
Hey, scout.
I've got you here.
Full house.
Now, it says here, sir, nose warm.
Okay?
He has a warm nose.
Skin consistency of plaster.
No doubt about that.
Hasn't moved in a week.
It's been more like three weeks.
Sir, this dog is opposite material.
I'm back in the saddle again
Out where a friend is a friend
Where the longhorn cattle feed on the lowly gyms and weeds
I'm back in the saddle again
I'm riding the range once more
I'm totin' my old 44
Where you sleep out every night and the only law is right
Back in the saddle again
Whoopee-tie-yoh
Walkin' to and fro
Back in the saddle again
Whoopee-tie-yoh
Yay, I go my way
Back in the saddle again
Tell him how to go back, Ranger.
Yodely-yoh
Yodely-yoh
Yodely-yoh
You know, I really want to thank writers in this guy.
When your career starts to fade a little bit, like mine has, some of the doors in show business
are closed to you.
But they've always kept...
Hey!
Hey, what?
Hey, what?
Hey, come on!
Give me a break, will ya?
I'm a dead horse for Pete's sake!
Come on!
Whoa!
I'll show them porous-headed lally-gaggin' kaiusas always whinin' and moanin' about my
coffee.
I got this old recipe here, handed down from my uncle, the great, wild Bill Batmeat.
And it'll show them tender feet once and for all.
And now, for the secret ingredient, Uncle Bill's greatest discovery, Geronimo Cactus
Juice.
Open it up, and here he comes.
Oh, boy, that's gonna...
Oh, nice sentiment.
And a saucy...
Oh!
Wow!
I think it needs a little somethin'.
Let's see, what can I cut it...
Oh, Granny Biddle's secret sarsaparilla.
Oh, I add it to all my stuff.
It's just the thing that needs kinda putter over the top here.
There we go.
And I'll put a little in the cup here.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot the eggs, of course.
Gotta have a couple eggs in there for protein.
Oh, it's a nice milky color.
Oh!
Oh!
That coffee ready yet, Sidemeat?
Yes!
Great.
I can really use a good cup of coffee.
I guess I'll have to settle for yours, though.
Wow.
Hey, listen, boys, I got the coffee here for you namby pambies like you've never tasted
before.
You want one, Ranger Doug?
Oh, sure, Sid.
I'll take a chance.
Wow.
You are really gonna like this stuff.
Yeah.
What's the foolin' with that, Woody Paul?
Well, it's a part to the generator I was getting together to take on the trail drive with us.
You know, I...
I can't seem to find the right fuel.
Great!
Gallopin' blue blazes.
Oh!
What is it, Ranger Doug?
Pretty good, huh?
It's outrageous.
That good?
Wait a minute.
You haven't even tried the coffee yet.
Not your coffee.
This electric bill.
How much is it?
Two thousand one hundred and forty-one dollars and six cents.
Goodness gracious, Ranger Doug.
That sounds like a computer arrow.
Oh.
Well said, Sid.
I'm gonna look into it.
What in the world's in that coffee side, me?
Why, you like it?
Oh.
That's my old Uncle Bill's secret recipe.
He ran him old cactus juice.
I call it his greatest discovery.
What's his secret nitroglycerin?
Oh, no.
It's a pain old cactus juice and little secret stuff of my own.
Oh.
Yes, yes.
I knew it.
Ranger Doug, Guidal of American Youth here.
It's a thousand gritties, bitter brittle sarsaparilla.
Manager, please.
Well, time to clean up the books.
Ah, let's see.
Old folks home.
Check.
Valley hospital.
Check.
Valley orphanage.
Let's see.
Orphanage, orphanage, orphanage.
Oh, they're an hour and a half behind.
Well, it's a cruel world.
Good night, kids.
Triple X rant.
The only one left.
Oh, I wonder who that is.
Yellow Elphilo Larry Mammoth President.
Mammoth Mesa Power and Light Trust and Holding Company.
Mammoth Mesa Power and Light?
What happened to our old company?
Oh, I bought them out last month.
Well, this is Ranger Doug, the idol of American youth over at the Triple X Ranch,
and we have a little printing problem or something we need to straighten out.
We got a mistaken bill for, well, it's over $64,000.
Well, I admit that's a little high,
but we've had some incredible cost overruns on our Mesa 1 nuclear reactor.
These environmentalists, you wouldn't believe.
Nuclear reactor?
This valley's going to be energy independent, cowboy.
No boot dragging here.
Of course, this means your first few light bills will be a little high,
but in no time at all, it'll be down to a manageable $20,000, $30,000 a month max.
We can't afford bills that high.
And anyway, your service is terrible.
Well, I can't help it.
The lights are going on and off here constantly since you took over.
What a relief.
I thought I was seeing things from drinking Uncle Wild Bill's Java.
This whole situation is ridiculous.
It's not the cowboy way.
Easy, easy, cowboy Bob, idol of America's blue hairs,
or whatever the heck you call yourself.
We're not crazy. We're not monsters.
We'll work with you.
Listen, I've got a little payment plan.
You sign a little mortgage on the ranch, the herd,
you carry up for a month or two, no problem.
Look, we're not signing any mortgage.
We're not paying your outrageous bills,
and you're a carpet-bagging weasel.
Ah, carpet-bag, weasel.
I'm cutting off your power, you deadbeat. Just watch me.
Oh, boy, they turned the juice up.
I'm afraid we've got a rough road to ride here.
We've got no problem, Ranger Doug.
Side Meats Power Pack Geronimo Cactus Coffee
is the fuel I've been looking for to run my new generator.
I'll have those lights back in no time.
I'll give you a hand.
Oh, ouch, ouch.
Who moved that chair?
It's my good leg, too.
Oh.
Boys, the generator is working great, and guess what?
What?
We've got enough power left over to supply the whole valley.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, today.
Triple X Ranch, Ranger Doug,
Idol of American Youth speaking.
Hey there, cowboy Bob.
What do you say?
I don't like to burn any bridges in this life.
What do you say let's let bygones be long gone,
let's kiss and make up,
say, I heard you guys have a little extra power floating around over there.
Why, yes, we do.
And what's it to you, pal?
All right, I'll lay my cards on the table.
My nuclear reactor, the Mesa-1,
heated up and headed for China last night.
So how about loaning me a few kilowatts?
What do you say?
Mammoth, I know you.
If you got that power, you'd charge an arm and a leg for it.
We're giving it away to all our neighbors across this valley.
Who is this, Robin Hood?
Listen, I know what I'm like, cowboy Bob.
Anyway, I just had a hot property come across my desk.
I need to get back to Hollywood right away.
On top of that, I'm expecting a big appointment to the NRC any day now.
Listen, I'll sell out at a good price, 100,000 bucks.
What do you say?
Dream on, I say.
Okay, I'll take 20 grand even.
What do you say?
Why don't you squeeze back under that rock, Mammoth?
Hey, how about 20 bucks and a bus ticket to Tinseltown?
Not one red cent.
So long, Saddle Pal.
Hey, listen, I'm your Saddle Pal.
Hey, come on, partner.
What happened?
I think somebody finally cut his power off.
Roll, roll, roll.
I'm a roving cowboy
Far away from home
Far from the prairie
Where I used to roam
Where the doggies wander
And the wind blows free
Oh, my heart lies yonder
On the lone prairie
Oh, carry me back
To the lone prairie
Where the coyotes howl
And the wind blows free
And when I die
You can bury me
Deep the western sky
On the lone prairie
Give me back my saddle
Give me back my gun
Give me back my bronco
That I used to run
Let me spread my blanket
By a peaceful stream
Hear the cowboys singin'
By the campfire's flea
Oh, carry me back
To the lone prairie
Where the coyotes howl
And the wind blows free
And when I die
You can bury me
Deep the western sky
On the lone prairie
On the lone prairie
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Those drums, Scout. Those drums.
What are they saying?
They're saying...
Doom, doom, doom, doom
Watch you fly, here comes the Santa Fe
She's thunderin' loud, she's growin' hot, eatin' proud
At the break of day, ooh
Watch her fly, here comes a Santa Fe
I'll ride her on the blinds, if I can catch her on time
Here comes a Santa Fe
Ow, ow, ow!
No.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Who in the world is that? Who are you talking to?
Why, that's the Call of the Wild.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Buckaroos and bugarets.
In answer to literally half a dozen requests,
Riders of the Sky are proud to present
the first ever home guide to varmint dancing in six easy lessons.
Yes, it's the sensation that's sweeping the nation.
And who better to instruct you
than the Baryshnikov of the Badlands,
the catatonic catalyst of the whole movement.
Too slim. Oh, do the rabbit dance.
Too slim.
Yes, Saddlebells, it's also incredibly easy
with his unique guide and too slim patented
color-coded critter charts.
You get the ever-popular possum dance.
Oh, isn't that a honey?
And of course, no varmint dancing guide would be complete
without that tacky South American import.
The three-toed slot dance.
Oh, look at those moves.
You didn't see Pee Wee King do that one on this show.
Oh, yes, for the first time ever in the privacy of your own home,
you can become master of this truly foolish fad.
Too slim. Do the chameleon dance.
Oh, he's blending into the Grand Canyon.
Look at those moves.
And of course, the tanner crab dance.
Oh, how lovely.
Still in number two grade though,
missing at least a claw and a couple of legs.
Too slim.
Go on and tell some of these folks
about the fabulous varmint dance offered.
Right you are, sir.
Friends, you can amaze your friends
and be the life of every prairie party
and leave your own basement.
Be like me. Be a varmint dancer.
And if you act now,
or by midnight of the 21st century,
you'll receive absolutely free and extra added bonus,
the fantastically incomprehensible armadillo dance.
Yes, this controversial rootin' tootin' oxymoronic dance
is the rage and fashionable squire
soars your eyes from coochies to gillies
and don't belay saddle pals.
The home guide to varmint dancing in six easy training lessons
is available at fine mercantiles everywhere.
Everywhere.
For only $9.99.
Yes, that's right.
$9.99.
No kidding.
Get that?
$9.99.
Yes, do it now.
Don't delay.
Do it today.
Get out of that chair.
Get to the phone.
It's only...
$9.99.
I got mine and it only cost me...
$9.99.
$9.99.
$9.99.
One, two, three.
The Bobcat Bounce.
That's the king of the gal boys.
Oh, there it is.
Ah.
Oh, boy, that'll be just...
Hey, mighty dirty.
I wonder if that coffee tastes better
if I clean this thing up first.
Oh, this worth a try.
Oh, here's an old boot rag.
I'll just polish it.
Hey, that stuff's on there tight.
I better really rub it.
Whoa!
Greetings, master.
Thank you for freeing me.
I flee now.
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, there, Turban Head.
Don't I get three wishes or something?
Well, yes, I suppose I have time
to give you three wishes.
Three wishes?
But hurry, please.
Okay, three...
Oh, what's my wish for?
I can have anything I want.
Is that right?
Anything you want, but hurry.
My life is frantic.
I need a boat.
No, I don't.
There's no water around here.
I need a boat.
I need a boat.
I need a boat.
I need a boat.
I need a boat.
There's no water around here.
Peace on earth.
We talk about it practical.
Oh, I know.
The new Christy Lane book.
No, I don't enjoy reading that much.
I wished somebody was here
to help me who's smarter than me.
Your wish is granted.
is granted. No. Hey, this ain't fair. He ain't smarter than I am. I wish, I, I wish I'd never
made that wish. Good to wish number two granted. No. Well, that's two down and one to go. Why,
you, I, oh, I got it. I wish for a thousand more wishes. That would be the easy way. You
too. All right, I'm gonna make it simpler this time. Yes. See this here trunk? Yes. Fill it up.
Yes. Fill it up with moolah. Yes. Somalians. Fill the trunk with dough. Dough, you nut. Last I
understand. I think you will find this a great surprise. No. Your wish is granted. Have a nice
day. No. Oh. Oh, no. He gave me real.
How was night watch? Any sign of Indians? No, sir. Nary one. Of course, along about midnight,
I did hear a corporeal. This is no laughing matter. You're telling me, sir. I mean,
need something. How about a one-way ticket to Duluth? Nah, paper sticks to your teeth. No.
Well, the story, as it's told to me, was handed down through history of a singing cowboy brave
enough to try to ride the meanest old coyouse. It bucked him off right at the chute, left him
spinning way up in the sky. The Broncos jumped up and the cowboy came down. They met at the old
saddle horn. It made a deep impression. You could say it changed his life. And that's how the Yola
was born to a ranger girl. The item of American youth.
Here you go, ranger Doug. Here you go, Woody. Try them out. Tell me what you think. Well,
I think you're right, Side. They're the best ones you ever made, all right. Shack happiness? Yes,
a severe form of carbon fever. You see, it all happened this way, lads. Listen close as I tell
you a tale. It had been one of the most severe winters the Yukon had ever known. Yes. Forty feet
of snow and ice lay over the barren tracks of the wasteland. Yes, the dogs were starving,
the moose were starving, the beavers were starving. For three months, you have not spoken
the word. For two weeks, we have had no food. Outside the cabin is 40 feet of snow. Okay,
speak now or die. Open up. Mounted patrol. Someone's at the door. Open up. We are saved.
Hello. Yes. The mount is. We are saved at last. Righto. This is I, Sergeant Dudley, RCMP. Merci.
It is I who am saved, dear fellow. Oh, Sergeant, we are saved. Oh, we are saved at last. What do
you mean? It is you that are saved. Well, it is I who am lost. You see, I lost the Great White
Trail. I drove the dogs through miles of trackless waste till I saw a thin plume of smoke come from
your chimney. I said to myself, yes, I am saved. I tunneled through the snow and found your door.
You mean. Entered just now and here I am, Sergeant Dudley, RCMP. You mean we cannot leave. Of course
not. There's 40 feet of snow out there, old man. Don't call me old man. I'm going to kill him for
not getting me out of here. And then Scarlett Pippenelle, I am going to kill you. Good heavens,
man. This is the worst case of shack fabulous I've ever seen. How can I move? I can talk and think,
but how can I move? I can move my mouth. Do not be alarmed, old fellow. It's only the famed
Mountie Sleeper Hold. It makes you immobile for a short moment. And then, well, let's see. I must
find my Mountie handbook. Good heavens. I found it. Oh no. Let's see. What? Shack. Shack happy.
Shack happy, yes. All right. Here we are on the Mountie menu. Oh no. What to do for shack
happiness? What to do when forced to spend months in isolation to deal with your ennui,
welschmerz, and with blockheads for companions. That's what I need to know. Well, it's extreme,
but it has to be done. What is it? What is your banjo? Every cabin has a banjo. Ah, here it is.
Extreme? Yes. Whatever you do, don't sing, please. And you get witty of trouble and care. Make it a
wonderful day. How are you doing there, Pierre? Good. Good. You're coming out of your shell. No
reason why you should wear your Psyche. Your trouble's away. How's it going? This is only the
beginning too. But the sleeper effects will wear off shortly. So perhaps I should tie you up first.
I could go out and freeze to death. It would be better than this. Oh, sit down. Sit down. Enjoy
yourself. Sit squat on the chair too. It helps. All right. Good. Good. Fine, old fellow. How've
you been then, eh? Good. Good. Is that all of the treatment? Oh no. There are 428 verses left.
Verse number two. Oh, and you can't lose what your trouble's banjo. Sky's the only cloud you're
gray. No reason why you should wear your Psyche. Your trouble's away. Your trouble's away. Get your
robes with the sunlight. Everything's rosy and swell. You're a bastard. Roll it, Dan. From that woman's throat, greet the dawn with a cowboy.
Well, what happened? Well, it worked, of course. It did? Yes, it took all 476 verses, but, and of course,
in the meantime, the thaws set in, the snows melted, the rivers ran free, and we were rescued by a boy
scout troop from White Horse. We're getting a lot of mail here. People are saying, two jaws, is it hard
to keep doing these terrible jokes on Tumbleweed Theater? I say no. Once you die, it just gets easier
after that. Ah, ah, ah. Hey, give me another chance. Hey, I got better stuff than that. I'm just saving it. Ah, ah, oh.
When old Cove opened right now, one dark and windy day, upon a ridge he rested as he rode along his way,
when all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw plowing through the ragged skies and up a coddy draw.
Yippee-i-yay, yippee-i-oh. Gosh, yah! Coaster in the sky. Their horns are black and shiny and their hooves are made of steel.
Their fans were still on fire and their hot breath he could feel a bolt of fear shot through him as they thundered through the sky.
He saw the riders coming high and he heard their mournful cry. Yippee-i-yay, yippee-i-oh. Ghost riders in the sky.
Their faces gaunt, their eyes are blurred, their shirts all soaked with sweat. They're riding hard to catch that herd but they ain't caught them yet
cause they've got to ride forever on that range up in the sky. Hot horses start to fire as they ride on here on the pride. Yippee-i-yay, yippee-i-oh. Ghost riders in the sky. Gosh, yah!
As the riders looked on by him he heard one call his name. If you want to save your soul from hell or riding on our range then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride.
He's trying to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies. Yippee-i-yay, yippee-i-oh. Ghost riders in the sky.
Yippee-i-yay, yippee-i-oh. Ghost riders in the sky.
Well, sheep or cattle, Woody? I don't know. You've got your adjusted stock options on those sheep you've got to think about but when you get your write-off factor and your capital gains I think you're looking at cattle as a sound investment.
The depreciation is short-term, Slim.
You know, my broker is E.F. Mutton.
What?
He recommends that you watch this.
Face it, friends. Aren't you tired of today's mordant, discordant, distorted rock and roll so-called music? Of course you are. Everyone is. Sure it's loud, but what does it mean?
Don't you yearn for a return to the sights and sounds of a handsome mountie belting out a tender love song to some Canadian cupcake by a silvery pine ring lake? Of course you do. Then you need a great new album.
I'll follow the world when I'm calling you.
Have you ever heard of a telephone? See? Loud, isn't it? But no exhausted puns or smarmy, smutty lyrics here. Just straightforward songs of love by a real he-man of the North.
Oh, give me some men who are start-hearted men. But you can bet that when the mounties aren't out getting their man, they're singing to their women.
When it's springtime in the Rockies. And if you add my midnight next July, we'll also send you absolutely free an additional collection of heart-stirring mountie tunes of adventure in the great outdoors.
Always get your man. Included in this great selection are caribou by candlelight, just a moose and a goose on the loose, arctic circles under my eyes, King is Gone, Mackenzie MacDonald, Meek MacDonald, Mackenzie, and many, many more.
Send only $9.99. That's $9.99. Kiss your dreary yuppie life goodbye. Come on, ride with the mounties. Dial 1-900-MOUNTIE. That's 1-900-MOUNTIE. $9.99. Do it now. Do it today. Come on, ride with the mounties.
Follow the world.
I'm talking about Mama Mead's wonderful homemade biscuits, in which I am about to reveal the famous secret ingredient. Now, if you're going to make Mama's trailside biscuits, the first thing you need to do is get a big bowl. Very important.
You need a big bowl and a big spoon. And then you add the flour. So you just add the flour right there. That's just the way I do it. Then you put in some water. And then you put in some water. That's exactly right.
You can't have too much water. That's going to make it real good. Don't forget the baking soda. And then you've got to have the baking soda. That's going to be wonderful. You've got to throw in the baking soda. Oh, it's getting real good.
And then it's time to put the salt in. That's wonderful. That's just great. Put in the salt. Then the secret ingredient, right? The secret ingredient. Cement. Cement. That's exactly right.
This is Mama Mead's good old recipe. She knew that if you use Portland number three, you'd really have some fine cement. Then you stir it up. Then you stir it up. That's exactly right. Then you pick it up. Then you pick up the thing. Then you throw it out the window. Then you throw it out the window.
Oh, no. No. You don't throw it out the window. Only a nitwit would throw it out the window. Now I wrote the biscuits and I killed the bunkhouse cat. Well, I guess he's got eight more lives.
He's too slim.
Oh, he's smoking. He's smoking.
Here's something that, well, none of us expected. I hope you're going to enjoy Drywall Putty and his band with his latest hit.
Well, hi there, everybody. We're going to do a little tune here for you. We just put out on the Skill Saw label. It's called Remodel Home, Remodel Heart.
One, two, three.
Kick it off for a white wall.
You tried your best to make our alcohol.
I should have realized I was doing you wrong.
Why couldn't I see I was making you cry?
All you left was an old bitch that you live in this town.
Hey, son, could you play just a simple country rhythm shot on them drums?
Hey, man, I got through what I feel, man.
Well, let's hold it down there a little bit. Hey, where's your hat anyhow?
Hey, man, I lost my hat.
$5 fine. I've been in this business a long time. I can tell you one thing, everybody's got to wear the same kind of hats.
Look, man, I'll play the gig. I'll play the funky country western song. I'll work with the funky synthesizer.
That's a biscuit board, buddy.
Right. Well, you ought to get rid of it and get a synthesizer, man. And I ain't wearing no hat. And if you find me, I quit.
Well, you're fired. You're fired.
You didn't hear me, man.
You're fired.
I said I quit.
Come on, boys. Let's finish this song here.
You didn't hear me, man. I said I quit. You can't fire me, man.
You're fired.
What's the matter with you?
Well, you know, it's my brother there, and he quit.
So what, man?
So mama would be mad if I didn't quit. You know how that goes.
Well, wait just a minute. We can finish this.
Oh, well, it's been fun. You know where it's at.
See, that's what you get for hiring brothers in the same family. It don't work. I tried to tell you that.
Well, come on. Let's take her home.
I got to get my stuff off the stage here.
I went to the bank, got myself alone.
Bought some plaster, and it's so late and fall.
Hey, Hoss, can you wait till I finish this song before you do that?
Man, I got a big trust fund gig, man. I got to get my stuff out of here.
Wait. Come on. Come on.
I knew that I was wrong right from the start.
I remodeled our home. I remodeled my heart.
Well, thank y'all. I sure hope you liked it.
And a flipside's call, you broke my heart and now my suits don't fit.
And I hope you look forward to having all your record stores.
Right.
Water, water, water.
All day I faced a barren waste without the taste of water.
Cool water.
Old Ben and I with throats burned dry and souls that cry for water.
Cool water, clear water.
The nights are cool and I'm a fool, each star's a pool of water.
Cool water.
But with the dawn I'll wake and yawn and carry on.
Water, water, water.
Cool water, clear water.
Keep a moving, Dan, don't you listen to him, Dan.
He's a devil, not a man and he's pressed to burning sand with water.
Dan, can you see that big green tree where the water's running free
and it's waiting there for you and me with water?
Cool water, clear water.
Cool water, clear water.
The shadows sway, they seem to say, tonight we pray for water.
Cool water.
And way up there he'll hear our prayer and show us when there's water.
Cool water, clear water.
Dan's feet are sore, he's yearning for just one thing more than water.
Cool water.
Like me, I guess, he yearns to rest where there's no quest for water.
Cool water, clear water.
Cool clear water.
Water, water, water.
All day I faced a barren waste without the taste of water.
Water.
Friends, how often do you catch yourself singing this song?
If you're like me, Alfie Larry Mammoth, probably ten times a day
because doctors tell us that's how many times your body cries for water.
Yes, water, you need a lot of it, but not ordinary generic tap water.
Yuck, who knows where that stuff's been.
No, you need good clean water, prairie air water.
Guaranteed great where the Fed agreed to prove it.
Yes, friends, you know what I'm talking about.
It's the newest sensation sweep in a thirsty nation
direct from Mammoth's Mountain Laboratories.
It's prairie air water.
Listen to those who have already uncorked a prairie air.
Yeah, I heard that.
When a friend of mine recommended prairie air, I'll admit I was skeptical.
I just don't enjoy drinking water all that much,
but I tried one and it was wet and cold too, and now I drink a hundred.
Now I drink ten bottles a day.
It would make a great movie.
Prairie air?
It sure put the zip back in my old man,
and the kids drink it like soda, and soda's tabby, don't you, girl?
Shut up!
Prairie air?
I wouldn't leave home without a canteen full of it.
I love it for two reasons.
First, it's made right here in America.
And second, it tastes kind of like chicken.
Yes, friends, prairie air design of water comes direct to you
from Gushing Springs High in the Fashionable Mountains.
What, you're hesitant to shout, hard earn, pay for a drink of water?
What's the matter with you?
Don't you think you're as good as all those goochies and those poochies?
They're no better than you and they've been doing it for years.
Well, get it?
When you finally arrive at thinking you're a pretty cool dude like me,
Larry Mammoth, there's a bottle waiting for you,
a bottle of prairie air design of water.
Remember, prairie air, it's shot from guns.
And don't forget to prairie air light half the calories of regular water.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orson.
Orson who?
Stop Orson around and let me in.
Ah, ah, ah.
Whew.
At last, from the Archives of Mammoth Records,
a stunning compilation album of the all-time hits of Alfalfa.
Learn to croon, learn to croon.
And as a special bonus, if you act by midnight tonight,
I'll also send you the companion volume,
Western Geography, absolutely free.
This scholarly treatise tells you how to end all geographical names
with the Western E, like California.
And of course, the immortal Al Tooney.
Hello.
She's out there singing.
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
Cantando llores.
Por que cantando sin vagrancia y lindo lindo los corazores.
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
It's a game.
Cantando llores.
Por que cantando sin vagrancia y lindo lindo los corazores.
Whew.
With sponsors like that, these boys are bound to get a head.
And they could use one.
Ah, ah, ah.
No, no, seriously.
I wish they would use their heads when they're picking sponsors.
It's the little things that count.
Ah, ah, ah.
Get it?
Little things?
I wrote that myself.
Oh, yeah, yeah, great, yeah.
Well, I need both volumes.
I need eight tracks, too.
Oh, hey, you got any more of them Christy Lane at the Beach?
You know the big surfing album?
That's the one I want, yeah.
I gave up a promising career in nuclear physics for this.
Yeah, yeah.
He's talking about nostalgia, Woody.
You know, when you find the present tense and the past perfect.
Say, well put.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'm a Roman cowboy
Riding all day long
Tumbleweeds around me
Hear my lonely song
Nights underneath a prairie moon
I ride along and sing a tune
See them tumbling down
Pledging their love to the ground
Lonely but free I'll be found
Drifting along with the tumble and tumbleweed
Cares of the past are behind
Nowhere to go but I'll find
Just where the trail will wind
Drifting along with the tumble and tumbleweed
I know when night is gone
That a new world's born at dawn
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumble and tumbleweed
I know when night is gone
That a new world's born at dawn
I'll keep rolling along
Deep in my heart is a song
Here on the range I belong
Drifting along with the tumble and tumbleweed
Drifting along with the tumble and tumbleweed
So long saddle pals, it's been so good to see ya