Hi, I'm here to host Sneak Peek on CBS.
I'm...
All right, look, don't even say a thing, all right, because I know the drill.
I went through this every day last season.
I'm Ray Romano.
All right, I have a situation comedy right here.
I don't work for craft services.
I'm...
Here, I brought it.
I brought my birth certificate, my license.
Even brought my own ink pad for the thumbprint, okay?
I just wanted your autograph, Mr. Romano, sir.
You don't gotta go through this.
You're a big star.
Everybody knows you.
Everybody loves you.
Really?
Really.
You kill me with this dry sense of humor.
Look, go down to Valley Park.
You tell them I said you can have Cosby Space.
Really?
You know, last year, I had to park Cosby's car.
Another joke.
You kill me.
Target presents CBS Sneak Peek, a look at the CBS fall lineup, hosted by Ray Romano.
Be the first to see the brand new comedies.
The exciting dramas.
And much, much more.
Coming to CBS this fall.
Everybody loves you, Ray.
Have another great season, Ray.
Welcome home.
Everybody loves you, Ray.
All right, what's going on here?
What happened to I watched your show and I just don't get it?
I'm good.
All right, look, watch this, all right?
I have to regroup.
Hey.
Come on, come on, bring him in the heat, baby.
Lucky shot.
Oh, I'm so scared.
Really, really scared.
Always pitched in at school fundraisers.
Rock, chicken.
Now, do even more with a Target guest card.
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Hey, lady, wanna piece of meat?
Come on.
Call 1-800-316-6142.
For an application, or to name the school you'd like to support.
Now I'm ready, let her rip.
I love that kid.
But you know what?
I like that Take Charge of Education program even better.
In our fast-paced world, it's very important that kids today have the best education that
money can buy, and making that education available to every kid is a challenge.
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So get motivated, get involved, and take charge of education.
For great comedy, the address is CBS Mondays.
Cosby's back with a brand new season, and he's better than ever.
Monday night's at 8 p.m.
At 8.30, stand-up comic Kevin James stars in the new comedy, The King of Queens.
Meet Doug Heffernan.
Oh, yeah?
Well, for your information, these are official company issues.
Doug.
No, no, you shut up.
Doug.
What?
He's making fun of my shorts again.
You shut up.
Be the bigger man.
He's a regular guy.
I have a huge surprise for you.
You're pregnant.
Yes.
No.
Thank God.
Would you stop?
His lifelong dream was to own the biggest TV in the neighborhood.
I love you.
He's got a loving wife.
What's the matter?
I'm not in the mood.
Why not?
I feel fat.
Would you stop it?
You're not fat.
You're...
I'm a little husky.
Husky.
Sophisticated friends.
TV!
Yeah, it's down here!
But when his father-in-law loses his wife...
Look at that guy.
What guy?
That freak over at the buffet table.
He's stealing food.
He's making a sandwich.
Another one?
That's his steak!
Yeah, you.
I guess my wife dropping dead has made you pretty fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
You're not fat.
So my wife dropping dead has made you pretty hungry, huh?
Cut you off!
Doug, let's get his ham.
He's about to get a house guest.
What are you holding?
This is some guy's ham and this is his wife's potato salad.
And when his sister-in-law moves in also, he'll not only lose his privacy...
You're hugging me.
Keep shaving.
Keep shaving!
What are you doing?
I haven't showered yet.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm late for this audition.
might just lose his mind.
This subway's gonna be a disaster this morning.
Your face?
Why did you cut yourself so much?
I'd rather not say.
Kevin James will always be the king of queens.
What's that?
It's just urgent knocking, it'll go away.
Stop, I'll get it.
No, no, no, no, you stay here.
You gotta stay focused, okay?
Stay in the mood, huh?
Hey, it's all coming back.
Well, Ray, come on, you're a writer.
Don't you want to do something like, I don't know,
write the great American novel, or?
I thought about that, and then I thought,
I don't even want to read the great American novel.
Don't miss Everybody Loves Raymond.
At 9.30, Brian Ben-Ben, star of HBO's Dream On,
comes to CBS with a new comedy.
It's a comedy about a man who's in love with his wife,
and he's in love with his wife, and he's in love with his wife,
and he's in love with his wife, and he's in love with his wife.
For five years, Brian Ben-Ben's been one of L.A.'s top anchors,
but like the news he covers, things change.
Now he's being replaced by the canon Barbie of newscasters.
They tested off the charts.
What charts?
The charts for hair growth?
Look at him, he's two thirds hair.
But just when he thought his career was over...
A tragedy has struck our own channel three,
Freddy Fantaine, was killed while filming a segment at the zoo.
This footage is disturbing.
So, where's this new ape?
Faith stepped in to give him a second chance.
Authorities did not realize the ape was in heat.
Perhaps we should take a moment to consider what Freddie meant to each of us.
No, no, no. Let the machine get her.
Freddie was a special voice at Channel 3 and no one could ever replace him.
Sweetie, it's Beverly. I want you to replace Freddie.
Now, he's got to claw his way back to the top.
Don't you get it, man? I'm the anchor now. You're finished.
It's the battle of the newsman.
Doing the news is a little more difficult than introducing video.
Being an anchor is just like being a VJ. All I gotta do is read that teleprompter.
As the seasoned veteran plots revenge on the fresh-faced rookie.
Okay, what's that?
What's what?
The computer disc.
What disc? I don't know anything about a teleprompter computer disc
that's gonna be switched during the first commercial break,
forcing Chad to think on his feet, therefore destroying him
and returning me to my rightful place in the universe.
That's my boy.
And even while covering hard-hitting stories
like the world's oldest living vaudeville bottle blower,
he can still watch his enemy crash and burn.
Here we go.
I think the mayor held a press conference about something.
I don't know what he said, but I'm sure it was a bunch of crap.
Something's stretching. Say anything!
Now let's skip the news weather and sports
and go right to Brian for tonight's L.A. story.
Uh, thank you, Chad.
How does it feel to be 102?
Sorry to surprise you like that.
Ah, it's no big deal. It was a pretty good recovery.
Oh, thanks.
I heard there were some problems with the teleprompter.
Yeah, yeah.
Tune in for late-breaking comedy on The Brian Ben-Ben Show.
Ken Olin stars in a new drama about three L.A. doctors
who walked away from the corporate medical world
to treat patients instead of diseases.
We're here, so what's the deal?
Celebration lunch to Lana Newman-Katan,
a private medical corporation, one month old today.
Here's to internal medicine.
You're here.
It's a side of private practice you've never seen.
She's 14.
And she's my patient.
Well, her parents are mine, and I think they have a right to know.
When it comes to pregnancy, without her permission,
we cannot tell her parents.
I'll tell them.
Like hell you will.
In a city you'd never expect.
She's like a movie star.
Well, yeah, such a job. You can talk to her.
I know, but in a movie she's...
She's what?
Hi. What's your name?
What?
She's naked.
Where are you from?
Naked.
On cable.
Thanks, Jerry.
So this is what our publicist does.
Oh, yeah, I know.
It should have been an entertainment, not sports, but...
Are you upset?
What do you think?
Yeah, I see.
If I'd have my photo taken with a gorgeous starlet,
and if that picture had made it into a newspaper
with a circulation of, say, oh, a million and a half people,
I would be livid, incensed, furious, grateful beyond belief.
It is embarrassing and demeaning.
Embarrassing and demeaning?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
They practically anointed you as the medical gangster of love.
No, that wasn't me.
No, I didn't cause it. Look, I gotta go.
She pulled right into me.
Never looked. She's too old to be driving anyway.
Hey, you all right?
She's on medication.
You a doctor or something?
Something, yeah.
You hurt anywhere?
He came out of nowhere.
Everything moves so fast.
Lady, you were at fault. You pulled right in front of me.
I just want to know what you're gonna say when the police get here.
We gotta relax, okay?
They'll figure it out, you know, whether she pulled out in front of you,
whether you're going too fast, whatever, you know?
Look, I want to know if you're gonna lie, all right?
He pushed you first.
I'll testify for you if you testify for me.
What do you think?
I think everything moves too fast.
From the producer of Rain Man and Bugsy comes an extraordinary new series.
Okay, it's 6.05 on Friday the 27th.
Roger Catan made a house call.
Hey, what are you doing? This is my office.
Hello, Mr. Robano.
Hi, Roger Small.
CBS executive in charge of television.
All right, what's going on here?
Well, this is your Guy Friday.
Guy Friday?
No, I don't need a Guy Friday.
Look, I'm sorry, what's your name?
Guy, Guy Friday.
Guy Friday.
Okay, look, I don't need a Guy Friday.
Of course you do.
You're a superstar.
Everybody loves you.
You got one of the highest rated sitcoms on CBS.
Yeah, okay.
What is this?
Yeah, nice, huh?
Big star, big picture.
Come on, I'll show you a new office.
All right, look, I got something to do here,
and you just go ahead and watch what's on Tuesday this fall on CBS.
Hi, I'm Amy Grant.
With a little care and a little help,
you can make beautiful things grow.
That's why the people at Target take a portion of what we spend there
and put it back into the communities they serve.
No other retailer gives away a bigger percentage of its profits.
In fact, it adds up to over a million dollars a week.
At Target, they're helping our communities blossom all across the country.
Returning Wednesday night at 8 o'clock.
Surprise!
The nanny's wedding was the biggest event of last season,
but the wedding night is still ahead and the honeymoon has just begun.
For 10 years, she was Corky Sherwood on Murphy Brown.
Now Faith Ford stars in her first series, Maggie Winters.
There's no easy way to say this, Jack, so I'm just going to say it.
It's over.
And I want to thank you for sleeping with Tawny, my dental hygienist,
a person who puts her fingers in my mouth.
Let her listen to the little spit noise you make
when you have something stuck in your teeth.
Or the constant clearing of your throat because of your allergies to mold spores.
Let her!
I hope you both get gingivitis and die.
For Maggie Winters, life didn't turn out how she planned.
Mom!
So she's returning to where she grew up.
Hello, piano.
Are you okay, honey? You're greeting the furniture.
I'm just happy to be here.
Most people would be feeling like dirt
after they found out their husband had been slipping it
to that teeth-cleaning trollop.
Now she's back in the old neighborhood.
Chart name, please.
Maggie Winters.
Tom Vanderhaals. How are you?
How do I look?
So I guess you still see a lot of the old gang.
It's like I never left Paul High.
Right. Go Cougars.
Yeah! Go Cougs!
She's starting a new career.
Hi. I'm here about the job. Maggie Winters.
Duh!
Maggie, it's me, Rachel.
Tomlinson?
Right! Rachel from...
Kindergarten through high school.
Oh!
But she's about to discover some things never change.
So, you gonna get back together with Bobby or what?
I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
Everything I ever wanted in high school, you took from me.
Student body president, editor of the yearbook,
Maria and West Side Story.
Who's the pretty girl in the mirror there?
What mirror? Where? Who could that attractive girl be?
Which one? Where? Who?
You were robbed.
And with a little help from the class of 83...
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
Oh, nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
She might just make it after all.
Faith Ford is Maggie Winters.
Then at 9 o'clock, CBS presents the next generation of romantic comedy.
To have and to hold, meet Annie and Sean.
You're the one who's sexist.
No, I'm not.
You're not a public defender. You're a female defender.
Shut up.
Two people with nothing in common.
I'm not discussing the case with you.
Those are your personal relationships to try and get this guy off.
Oh, and just yesterday you were on his side.
I was never on his side.
No, just against me.
I'm not against you, though.
I would like to be.
Okay, stay.
Except they're crazy about each other.
Thank you, detective.
You're welcome, counselor.
Counselor.
He's a Boston cop.
Fifty bucks says you postponed the wedding again.
You'd be throwing your money away.
I already postponed it twice.
What makes us any different?
It's the whole three strikes thing.
I can relate to that, man.
Who asked you?
Besides, Ma says if I postpone one more time, she's gonna shoot me with my own gun.
She's a public defender.
Not only am I going to take this case, but I'm gonna make you look the biggest, fattest...
Because I know this is the PMS talking, I am disengaging.
I'm gonna run downstairs, make you a nice cup of moon cycle tea.
We'll forget about the whole thing.
And if opposites attract, these two were made for each other.
Hanny, will you open the door?
I'm sorry.
I love you, but I just can't do it.
Hanny, if you don't open this door, I'm gonna break the window and climb in after you.
That's awful expensive, Sean.
You should never let me do it. It's against the law.
What'd I tell you?
Don't be scared.
First we're gonna get married, then we're gonna have children, and then we're gonna die.
And you're probably gonna die first because you're older, and I just don't want to get that ball rolling.
I love you. You're my damned happiness, and I hate you.
I'm out of control.
Hanny, if you don't go through with it today, I'm gonna tell everyone the truth that it was your idea to cancel the other two.
You wouldn't.
Why would you take the heat this time?
Well, this is your new office.
Wow.
Wow.
The Mona Lisa.
We heard you loved the Mona Lisa.
Where'd you get such a great-looking copy?
Copy?
It's on loan for the Louvre.
They love you in France. You're bigger than Jerry.
Bad. You know, if I knew you were gonna do all this, I would have asked for the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Oh, my God.
Now that is a copy. In fact, the guy just finished it this morning.
All right, I'm gonna go towel off. Why don't you watch what's on Thursday this fall on CBS.
CBS Thursday night starts with Gerald McRaney starring in Promised Land. Hit the road with his feel-good family drama.
Dick and Barry Van Dyke return in Diagnosis Murder. Last season ended with an explosive cliffhanger. Who will survive? Tune in to find out.
48 hours. We take you there.
The most unique news-magazine show on TV returns for its 12th season with anchor Dan Rather. See the world like you've never seen it before.
48 hours.
Keep her coming, keep her coming. Couple more feet.
Oh, have her done in a jiffy. Better open that window, lady.
That's good.
Always done your part to help schools raise money? Apply for a Target Guest Card. Use it and we'll donate 1% of the total to your favorite school. So schools get what they need.
Lunchtime.
And so do you. For more information, call 1-800-316-6142.
Lady, are you asleep?
You know, some of the perks that come with being a star, they aren't really too bad.
It's not going to spoil me. I've always had lunch with my writers and I always will.
Hey guys, I don't think the joke on page three works, to be honest.
What did you say?
We can't hear you. What?
I said I don't think my joke on page three is working.
Works for me.
They're funny guys. They're always making jokes. They're comedy writers. What do you expect?
Hey listen, why don't you see what's on Fridays? It's Friday.
After a long week, CBS Friday brings you the laughs you deserve with Kids Say the Darnedest Things at 8 p.m.
Hosted by the King of Kids himself, Bill Cosby.
Now what do you want to be when you grow up?
Bill Gates' partner.
Followed at 8.30 by the hidden camera addicts of Candid Camera.
Hosted by Suzanne Summers and Peter Fond, with a series that catches people when they leave the house.
Then at 9 o'clock, Dennis Farina and Frank Whaley star in the coolest new drama of the season, Buddy Farrow.
Buddy Farrow invented modern detective technique.
He literally wrote the book.
He knew everything there is to know about finding missing persons.
One thing I'm sure of.
Your Uncle Buddy is missing because he does not want to be found.
You know what?
Three days before he vanished, Buddy made a substantial wire transfer to a town in Baja, California.
I'd like to go down there to San Felipe and see if I can't get the bottom of this case.
Buddy Farrow might have written the book, Ms. Crichetti.
But Bob Jones about to add a chapter or two of his own.
Maybe you can help me.
Has anybody seen this fellow?
I'm trying to locate this gentleman.
Have you seen him?
No.
That's Buddy Farrow?
Yeah.
What happened to you?
Well, to tell you the truth, Bob, I let myself go a little bit.
Come on, kid.
That's my car.
These are some quarks wheels, baby.
Just slow down a little.
And since it started out as your problem, what's your problem?
Since it started out as your problem, I wouldn't mind a little help.
After 20 years away, the world's greatest detective is cleaning up his act.
And crime fighting has never looked so cool.
How do you feel?
Like a hundred bucks.
I'll tell you something, Bobbo.
I never claimed to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I always do one thing.
You've got to set yourself.
That's what they're buying, baby.
Confidence, style.
Start singing, baby.
The room's a rocket.
Let's do it.
Show you up for this?
The best way to find who's looking for me is to let myself be found.
Well, kiddo, we'll do what you do best.
What's that?
Blend in.
This is Radio Free Europe, broadcast behind the Iron Curtain.
See what you're good at, buddy.
What was that thing?
Get noticed.
Get noticed.
Get noticed.
I work strictly on a handsHaker.
Everything's split right down to middle 64.
Kind of like Roscoe
How am I off in the other concepts?
I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime, a partnership.
You have a lot of talent, but you just have to loosen up those bolts in your neck a little bit.
Just spread your wings. Fly a little.
Check it out, buddy. Buddy is back in town.
So come fly with Buddy.
9 o'clock, Fridays.
From the streets of L.A. to the bridges of San Francisco.
Returning at 10 o'clock, Don Johnson and Cheech Marin keep the Bay Area safe
in Nash Bridges.
We could have stayed in the car for that.
In 1989, a girl named Tennessee Curtis came to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital with a rare cancer.
We treated her for three years, and in the end, we lost the battle.
But what we learned from Tennessee helped us develop treatments that have saved the lives of Jacob,
Erin, Tierra, and hundreds of other children in places around the world.
Even when we lose a child, in a way, they live on.
CBS Saturday begins with Early Edition at its new time, 8 p.m.,
with Kyle Chandler returning as the man who gets tomorrow's news today.
Then at 9 o'clock, one of Asia's biggest action stars comes to America to star in his first TV series.
A force of nature is headed for L.A., and it ain't El Nino.
This guy's got the top closure rate of any cop in China.
This Hong Kong supercop is teaming up with the LAPD.
You're going to have the best cop from a country of one billion people working with you.
And taking Tinseltown by storm.
Drop the gun or she dies.
Action star Sammo Hung will hang the bad guys out to dry.
Let's get it on.
And cut crime down to size.
That guy's Sammo. I'd keep him around.
This fall, East meets West.
Can I get you anything? Water?
Tea.
Buy a coke.
In martial law.
And if you like your action Texas-style, Chuck Norris is back at 10 p.m. as Walker, Texas Ranger.
So, what do you think, Ray?
Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of weird. I mean, I'm not even in it.
Ray, it's not your show.
You see, we want your feedback on all our sitcoms.
Because, after all, you are the last word in comedy.
Yeah, okay. Well, my last word is that I'm going home.
Okay? I got to take my kids to a ballpark.
Have a seat, Ray. I've already made arrangements to take them for you.
And don't you worry about your wife's birthday tomorrow night.
What do you mean? I'm taking her out. I'm going to that fancy hotel for a little romantic evening.
Got that covered for you, Ray.
Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, yeah, I do.
Oh, no, he doesn't. All right, look, come on. We got to settle this, all right?
Meanwhile, why don't you watch what's on Sunday on CBS? Oh, listen, Slick.
No.
We got this whole thing worked out.
No, back it off, Turner and Hooch.
Turner and Hooch.
425,000 people die of smoking cigarettes.
And aren't afraid to get down and dirty.
What about these charges, that these girls all have eating disorders?
BNFL, 60 minutes, back to back, on CBS, the way it should be.
Then, Roma Downey, Della Reese and John Dye return for a brand new season of Touched by an Angel.
That's why it's not only one of today's highest rated shows, but also the most inspiring hour in prime time.
Each week, millions turn to CBS for the most outstanding movies and miniseries on television.
This season will present our most exciting lineup ever.
The brightest stars, the most anticipated movie events make CBS Sunday America's Night at the Movies.
Anyway, that's the new season on CBS, and thanks for watching, and I'll see you in the fall.
Okay, look, I want all this special star treatment to stop, you understand?
I don't want you treating me any differently than you would Cheech Marin.
Cheech who?
Cheech Marin.
Look, just stop it.
Just stop with the assistant and the big office and the artwork and fancy meals.
I don't need that. I don't need any of that.
Okay? Huh? Any questions?
Yeah, Ray, we need your notes on Walker, Kexler, Stranger, my lunch tomorrow.
Speaking of lunch, I have a terrific sharpie.
Get out!
Here's what I'm thinking, it's totally opening for the show.