Come on, give me your hand.
Hey, stop!
Oh, Mick, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, stealing from a dead man. Hey, come on.
Someone's had a go at this painting, sir.
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Dark features, dark clothes...
You've been harbouring a very dangerous man.
Motive drives them to the unexplained.
Bells ring in the night.
Packing cases catch fire.
A haunting midsummer murder, Beyond the Grave premieres 8.30 Friday.
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I'm mostly here on my own.
A few years ago I started working with a phone company.
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Now the same old experiment, putting little cameras out there.
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Who are you with here?
That, my friend, was the big mistake.
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So you can have a good time now and kick on later.
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Coming up...
The smouldering, the lascivious, the wicked.
Sam! Sam!
The third in the Superdebate series that middle-age is sexy.
Next on 9.
It's a good plan. Very good plan.
Why don't you tell us about it?
You're a very clever guy, Mick.
You know, if you weren't a murderer, we might admire you.
You know, I know there's money in the bank.
That was a mistake.
Well, come on, mate.
We know you tried to fake your own suicide,
and when that didn't fool anyone, you faked your own murder.
Then you tried to get revenge on Joe Boyd by killing your wife, Margo,
and making it look like he'd done it.
We've got ballistics evidence, we've got your watch,
we've got your clothes and the body we found in the pylon.
We've got the teeth you threw in with him.
It's over. You're gone.
Look, all we really need to know is, uh,
why'd you hide the body in the pylon?
I mean, the whole idea was to make it look like you'd been killed, wasn't it?
So who's gonna find the body there?
Got all me other teeth back?
These ones are killing me.
So, three days. That's pretty good.
Yeah, that's great. Three more days of hospital food.
True, but it could have been a lot worse.
Do you think I'll get any money?
Well, I don't know for sure, but your lawyer seems to think
that the company pretty keen to settle out of court, so...
So I could get a motorbike?
Oh, excuse me, you're 15 years old.
Well, would you arrest me? Probably.
You know, if you do get this money, you've got your mum to thank.
Well, she's the one who approached the lawyer in the first place, and why?
Because she loves you.
Well, how do you know?
She told me.
And I've never seen anyone as terrified as she was
when she thought she wasn't gonna see you again.
Was she crying?
Suzie Moroney, wek, yes, she was crying.
That's good.
Thanks for the jersey.
My pleasure.
Hey, Mum.
I just wanted to see if you were all right.
I was just leaving.
Oh, it's dated.
OK, um, sit down.
He said the body in the pylon, right?
Then he's gonna lie low for a month or two.
Is that long enough for the body to rot?
So the only way we can identify it is with his watch and teeth.
And then the idea is to kill the ex
and send a letter to the police with Joe Boyd's forged signature on it
saying that Joe couldn't take the guilt anymore
and we're to find Mick's body.
What he didn't count on was the boy falling into the pylon.
Well, if that hadn't have happened, he would have got away with it.
Sure would have.
Good work. Let's see that brief as soon as possible.
You get to keep your house.
Just as well, I'd have to move in with you.
Oh, good.
Greg's had a week, hasn't he?
Severed tendons in his leg,
blood transfusion, reuniting with his mum.
Not to mention the football jersey.
Oh, I think that was the highlight.
You pretend to be a tough nut, but I know you're not.
Gillian, you don't know anything about me.
Well, I know you accepted this invitation to go to lunch.
That's two invitations in three days.
I don't like these scenes.
I don't like them.
Well, now that Greg's back with his mum,
I guess there's no reason for us to see each other again.
No, I guess there's not, really.
Well, perhaps I could ring you sometime.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
You know where I work and I'm there from nine to five.
It doesn't leave much room for spontaneity, does it?
Next week, the mystery of a male's vital body part.
Winkle, you know the...
It is what it is.
Cut off with a knife.
Looks like an old boyfriend of mine.
But where's the victim?
Whoever it was put up quite a fight.
Who was the culprit?
Could be construed as a female crime.
What?
Was it an act of jealousy,
moral revenge or blatant murder?
Plenty of suspects and no brief.
Chill out, Jim.
The deeper they delve, the more chilling it gets.
How do you pick them?
Do you think I'm capable?
I pushed you far enough.
And all new Water Rats, 8.30 next Tuesday.
Coming up next on Nine,
we find out if middle age is sexy on The Super Debate.
And join us tomorrow night at 8.30
for a World Television First.
Witness history in the making when we cross direct to Egypt
to find out what mysteries lie beneath the sands of the Sahara
with the opening of The Lost Tomb.
This program was brought to you by Lotto.
Join the crazy chase for a little black duck,
feeding time for some baby owls
and as a snake in the grass.
Oh my gosh.
Animal Hospital, 7.30 Thursday on Nine.
This program proudly brought to you by Pedigree Pal,
new little champions for little dogs with big hearts.
The following program is classified M.
The Nine Network recommends viewing by mature audiences.
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This program is brought to you by Pedigree.
Good evening and welcome to The Super Debates
from the showroom at Star City.
Now tonight we debate a topic of crucial importance
to all baby boomers, that middle age is sexy.
Now we've had quite a few laughs in these debates,
but I intend to treat middle age with gravity.
After all, that's how middle age is treating me.
But when is middle age?
Is it when your back goes out more than you do?
When your home phone rings on Saturday night
and you hope it's not for you?
According to the three legendary sex symbols on my right,
it is only in middle age, between the gawkiness of youth
and the wrinkliness of decrepitude,
that our sexiness, our sensuality is pulsating
in all its rampant glory.
Please welcome our super sexy team for the Affirmative,
led by team captain Wendy Harmer, with Sam Newman and Gene Kitson.
On the other hand, these three spotty youngsters who have,
let's face it, about as much combined sexual charisma
as a hat full of busted chisels.
Please welcome the Sexless Negatives, team leader Paul Fletcher,
with Gretel Colleen and Roav McManus.
So now let the battle begin, and it's my great pleasure
to introduce a woman whose sexual experience
can fairly be described as encyclopedic.
And that only covers last weekend.
Please welcome the team leader for the Affirmative,
the smouldering, the lascivious, the wicked, Wendy Harmer.
I'd like to introduce you to the other two thirds
of this hot little middle aged menage-a-toi,
the deeply alluring Gene Kitson,
and a man whose libido should be one of Australia's
premier tourist attractions, Mr Sam Newman.
Being in our 40s, I guess we're lucky to have made it here
onto prime time television at all, actually,
that we haven't been shuffled off into some infotainment show,
for some older women do make it onto infotainment shows
masked by large pieces of furniture, saying things like,
oh, yes, Roger, but it looks easy enough,
but could I install it myself?
And I suppose we should be grateful to the perky young members
of the opposition that they've managed to drag themselves
out of bed and spare us a few hours
from their exhausting bonk fest marathon.
Middle age, what is it?
If most human beings live to be between 70 and 100,
I guess that puts middle age at about 35 to 50 years old, right?
So where are you in the audience?
Stand up and have a look at you.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Up you get.
Check them out.
They can hardly keep their hands off each other.
Actually, sit down.
You're not helping my argument. Quickly.
Oddly enough, middle age is something that you never taught
in sex education at school, and then, girls,
when you turn 35, your ovaries just spontaneously combust
and you start to form an unnatural attraction to tougher wear
and you start to think Ray Martin is a spunk.
And you boys about the same age,
you'll be noticing some changes in your body.
Your testicles will just shrivel up and drop off.
And you'll start pottering in the shed and tinkering with the mower.
Why do you think so many middle age people are interested in home renovation?
What are they building out there in the suburbs?
Master bedrooms.
Revolving beds.
You know, mirrors on the ceiling.
Huge ensuite with jacuzzis and massage tables.
Parallel bars. Swings.
Shrines to shagging, ladies and gentlemen.
Who are the two sexiest people on the planet right now?
I'll give you a clue.
Two people whose overwhelming sex appeal is shaking nations
on both sides of the Atlantic.
Camilla Parker Bowles and Bill Clinton.
Both firmly and utterly middle aged and both of them going at it
like a pair of sex-crazed, ever-ready bunnies.
You want to see middle age in action?
Look at Camilla Parker Bowles.
Living proof that age and rat-cunning beat youth and enthusiasm every time.
Now, what is it that Charles sees in Camilla?
It could be just because her name, Camilla Parker Bowles,
sounds like a doing word.
But more than this, you know, she has self-confidence.
That's what it is.
After all, after a couple of kids,
and you realise no matter how hard you try you can never suck your stomach in again,
it's really nature's way of saying,
relax, enjoy yourself, learn new skills.
And Bill Clinton, what has he got that makes him absolutely irresistible?
Who would you rather bonk?
A bloke who can put in a word for you at the Pentagon
or one who promises to drop your name at Burger King?
There are people who have been sexy no matter what their age,
and then there are others who just can't help themselves.
Paul Newman is more sexy in his 70s
than Bill O'Chee will ever be in this lifetime or any other.
And show business understands the lure of the middle-aged sex appeal.
And I'm going to read out some names here.
And, Bob, when you hear a name that you find absolutely physically repulsive.
Joanna Lumley, Helen Mirren, Kim Basinger, Candice Bergen,
Harrison Ford, John Bon Jovi, John Travolta, Jamie Lee Curtis, Liz Hayes,
Clint Eastwood, Pierce Brosnan, Sting, Helen Morse,
Jack Thompson, Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, Antonio Banderas, David Hasselhoff.
Stop, stop!
Yeah, David Hasselhoff. Well, you get the idea anyway.
And you can be sure that between them,
the opposition are going to peddle all the basic misconceptions
about what is sexy.
And I'll tell you that to be an object of desire,
you have to have a size 10 bottom,
trick hips and a tummy you could play handball against.
I'll tell you sex is some kind of bedroom Iron Man event
where you have, like, a 10K foreplay and a beach run
and, like, two hours of shagging and running out to sea
and then you fall across the line and guzzle stamina.
And I'll also try and convince you that because they think about sex a lot
and do it a lot, they're better at it.
All of these arguments are clearly quite wrong.
And finally, I'd like to say to all the young things tonight,
where are you? Just put up your hands, all the young things,
you don't know anything.
In fact, you don't know what you don't know anything about.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
The team leader for the negative is not only a lawyer,
which is bad enough, he's also appeared at the Australian
debating championships.
In other words, he is a total bookish nerd.
A bloke who knows so little about life that until recently
he thought the Sheffield Shield was a British contraceptive.
LAUGHTER
Please welcome the tragically sexually deprived Paul Fletcher.
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, there is one issue here tonight in this debate,
one issue these three Australians extremely distinguish.
They've achieved so much in their long careers.
I mean, don't get me wrong, we love these people.
I mean, Sam, Sam has done so much work with young people.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
If the affirmative are right tonight about middle-age being sexy,
then we, quite frankly, should be feeling a whole lot of love up here.
The three members of the affirmative team should be projecting
to all of you, they should be projecting,
you just want to root me their tractor beam across all of you.
The people down the front here, they should be moaning
and throwing their undies up on stage.
And it's just not happening and I'm very pleased to say it's not.
I don't doubt that the affirmative team passionately believes
what they're saying to you tonight, just like Alan Bond
passionately believes that he's innocent,
Shane Warne passionately believes that he's thin
and Danny Minogue passionately believes that she's talented.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sexy, ladies and gentlemen, means sexually attractive,
desirable or arousing.
Middle-age, I think we'd agree with these people,
starts at about the age of 35, starts to gather over you at that age.
That's really the age when you're no longer eligible to go on a Contiki tour
and chunder your way through the capitals of Europe.
LAUGHTER
If we were to take a historical perspective on this topic, for example,
we find that historically most people aged over 35 were dead.
And dead is not sexy.
LAUGHTER
Look, middle-aged people have responsibilities.
They're holding down demanding jobs, maybe they've got a second job,
they're looking after the kids, they're caring for elderly parents
and keeping an eye on the family pets too,
they're paying off the mortgage and the car loan
and the credit cards and the personal loan,
they're doing the gardening and the housework and maintaining the car,
they're serving at the tuck shop and driving the kids to sport,
they're paying their valuation on their life insurance
and they're members of Apex and Lions and Rotary.
These people aren't sexy, they're exhausted.
LAUGHTER
Middle-aged, ladies and gentlemen, is the age of responsibility.
But if you're middle-aged and you're an accountant or an airline pilot
or, for example, President of the United States,
we want you to keep your hands above the desk and your mind on the job.
LAUGHTER
If you get drunk at work at the Christmas party
and finish the night by photocopying your bottom,
let's be honest, it does happen.
It's an important social phenomenon, we need to think about it carefully.
The reaction that you get is going to vary enormously, depending on your age
and, of course, on what the finished product looks like
when it's spread out B3 size across the boss' desk.
LAUGHTER
If you're 22, the boss will probably say,
you're crazy cute, I was young once.
But if you're 52, that B3 image, quite frankly,
is going to have a lot less to recommend.
LAUGHTER
The point is, you need to paper two pieces of B3 together.
LAUGHTER
The boss is probably going to say, you're old enough to know better,
you could have damaged a valuable company asset,
LAUGHTER
you could have broken the glass and done yourself a nasty injury.
LAUGHTER
And all I'm saying to you is, look, I think it's unfair as hell,
I want to have the freedom to photocopy my bottom, I know everybody here does,
but quite frankly, when you're 22, society says, beautiful,
when you're 52, society says, please don't.
LAUGHTER
Ladies and gentlemen, this debate has dealt with two intensely private
and personal issues, sex and age.
And I think it's been really valuable to help Sam, Wendy and Jean
work through these painful issues,
LAUGHTER
in front of a television audience of millions of people.
Ultimately, the affirmative have to prove one thing,
that being middle-aged makes you an object of sexual desire.
It's a tough assignment, but one that they did accept voluntarily,
which just goes to show the infinite capacity of the human mind for self-delusion.
LAUGHTER
Just be very careful when you listen to these people,
because they're tricky operators,
but don't accept anything less from them than that middle-age is sexy,
don't accept that middle-age is fashionable,
don't accept if they prove it to you that middle-age isn't too bad really,
and don't accept that they've done their job if they simply prove
that middle-age is shocking but it's not as bad as being dead.
LAUGHTER
The fact is, ladies and gentlemen, they can't prove it.
We all know it, because when we think of middle-age,
we think of many fine and admirable qualities.
But let's be honest, sexy just isn't one of them.
APPLAUSE
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
Wednesday's Shirl's winning trophy cabinet.
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The cluttered laundry goes through the wringer,
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and Reg goes full circle in the dome.
Our House, 7.30 Wednesday.
MUSIC
Hey, ugly, you're drooling.
Yeah, great useless lump of sh...
Surely I must be off then.
If you're going to bite off more than you can chew,
make sure it's chumpy.
MUSIC
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Good Medicine, 8 o'clock Wednesday on 9.
If you want the real inside story,
it's always best to go straight to the experts.
Few men have had more hands-on experience
with middle-aged sexuality
than the second speaker for the affirmative.
Of course, he knows there's much more to life than sex.
As soon as he finds out what it is,
he'll give it a real good try.
Please welcome the man who's scored more often
Bradman and Taylor combined, Sam Newman.
It's a nonsensical waste of time, really,
to come up from Melbourne to do this
because there is not one logical reason
that this rabble could put forward
why their argument would win.
I won't be long, which has been a hallmark
of my sexual prowess over the years.
But don't worry, I'm a human dynamo
for about eight seconds, and I reckon
if you bite on a damn cloth,
you can extend that for 30 seconds.
And that's how you pack more into your life,
not dwelling too long with people,
just moving on and pushing away those that you reject.
But what have we got here?
We've got a woman who's named after a yacht.
We've got young Paul here who could be named
anything, a pope or a former prime minister,
and we've got a bloke called Rove.
The sort of fucking name is Rove.
And very nice to see you, Gretel, too,
and nice to have lunch with you today,
and rooms are good up here, aren't they?
Now, young Paul, I mean, how frightening is this?
Paul's father should have settled for the head job.
Did you understand what Paul was saying, Jean?
I mean, obviously, Mario Fenwick, his speech therapist,
is on holidays.
We couldn't understand a word he said.
This is what happens when you're youthful
and exuberant and excited and perhaps
a little put off by an audience,
that you tend to rush your words and you mumble
and you get the little stand-up there with cards.
I mean, might as well just stand up here
and look at people.
You trip over your tongue a bit, don't you?
And that's another thing I want to speak to you about, Gretel.
She's going to do it to me.
I'm just kidding him first.
F1 cars epitomise what women are about.
There's four things that make the world go round,
four things and four things only.
And if you can think of another one, tell me.
The four things that make the world go round are
power, money, sex and charisma.
Look at a Formula One car on the grid.
You'll see it down in Melbourne.
Of course, we have all the main sporting events down there.
We've had the Olympics, had them in 1956.
Never paid a cent for them.
Jeff Kennett, you know, overseeing things down there
and how progressive is Jeff?
Put in a bid for the Sydney to Hobart yacht race
a couple of years ago.
You come down and see a real sporting event and you'll see an F1 car
sit on the grid there and you'll think that looks like a woman.
It looks good.
Some of them look good.
It smells good.
Some of them smell good.
Fire them up and they growl.
And sometimes when they're out of action, you can put them up on blocks.
And tinker around with them and get them prepared
and then have another shot, drive them again.
And that is what women exude.
They exude those four things as F1 cars do.
Rung, rung, rung, rung.
Very much indeed, Jeff.
Now, if you play your cards right, Paul, if you bend over,
I'll drive you home later, mate.
Now, middle age is about experience.
I have no hesitation in saying that I was rough around the edges
when I was in my formative years.
I only read a couple of books in my life.
One was Biggles Goes to Borneo.
The other, someone snuck me a glance at Madame Lash
when I was just leaving school and it just fell open at the appropriate pages
and it did excite me.
But now I get soulless and comfort out of reading.
I don't know if you've ever read a book called In Search of Excellence,
which Theodore Leavitt wrote.
And he said this, the younger people in the audience won't understand
what I'm talking about.
But he said this, modelers build intricate decision trees
whose pretension to utility is exceeded only by the ore
in which the high-level line managers hold the technocrats who construct them.
Blank. Look, nothing.
What is it that makes people sexy?
Now, I ask you, I mean, just have a look at this lot here.
If you consider that that combination of people there is sexy,
I mean, God help us all.
I mean, it's frightening, isn't it?
They're like escapés from the law of averages.
My esteemed leader, I think, here mentioned Bill Clinton,
50 and still going strong.
Or is he coming strong? Who knows?
I find it hard to swallow that he is.
Still sexy, but apparently he is.
But he grapples with it.
Walked into a restaurant with Al Gore, the vice president,
and said, looked at the menu and said, I'll have a quickie.
And Al said, that is quiche.
These are people who are grappling with life.
They will oversee their eventual future, but you have to put the years in.
And I think Frank Hardie said this in his very great novel, Power Without Glory.
And it could have been about this mob.
He cocked his head to one side in a ridiculous endeavour
to lend intelligence to a face that bore distinct signs of imbecility.
If you need any other clearer example of what this mob are on about,
and as I say, you are charged with the very, very delicate decision
of having to work out how much applause you give them at the end, if any,
because they are on a kicking to nothing.
And it has been great to be here in the temporary casino.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Sunday night at the movies.
Good to see you again, my boy.
He was trying to be ready at all times.
Watch out, he'll take you.
What are you looking for?
The golden dragon.
Golden what?
His destiny is to challenge the greatest fighters in the world.
Welcome to the king.
From this lost city, he'll face a taste of honour.
This was your quest, your dream.
Soon it'll be a reality.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And Roger Moore in the television premiere.
You win, sir, you lose.
The Quest, Sunday on 9.
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And the best cold beer is Vic, Vic Bitter.
It can come at any time, condition up chow or showin' em how.
Matter of fact, I got it now.
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The second speaker for the negative, arguing that middle age is not sexy,
has written ten books.
That alone suggests she needs to get out more often.
But when you discover that her best-selling title was called
My Life's a Toilet, then you know you're about to meet a totally tragic figure.
Please welcome the social commentator and humorist Gretel Colleen.
APPLAUSE
Woo!
Shake it, baby.
Oh. Sam.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Sam.
Oh, Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam!
Only joking.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Sam Newman presents himself as evidence that middle age is sexy.
Can we go home now?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's interesting you should mention people mature as they get older.
You certainly haven't, although some of your jokes have.
And you've read two books since I last saw you in 1987. That's good.
Really, when Sam walks into a room, all of the women begin to hear that theme song from Jaws.
LAUGHTER
Middle age. Let's look at it. I think we've all agreed it starts around 35, it ends around 50,
but it doesn't really kick in till 40, and that's fortuitous because I'm 36.
It's a tragic time. It's in the middle. Middle age. And like the middle of anything, it's barren.
If life is a long drive from Melbourne to Darwin, middle age is in the desert.
Middle age is a petrol pump without a hose.
Middle age is when you're old enough to need a seat on the bus but not old enough to have one offered.
Middle age is when a bad hair day includes your ears and your nose.
Middle age is when the only sexual interaction you have at all is with the family Labrador,
who has mistaken your leg for a couch.
Middle aged people buy speed boats and call them things like free willy.
Middle aged people have the bodies of wet cotton balls.
They can't lose excess weight because that's all they are.
Middle aged people are entirely responsible for Michael Bolton.
Middle aged people are demented and they cannot be believed.
A middle aged man recently robbed a bank in America wearing a hard hat with his name written on it.
The most rebellious, spontaneous thing a middle aged man does is wear socks with Mickey Mouse motifs on them.
Middle age is miserable. Hey, are you smiling? No, it's my peptic ulcer.
Middle age is a time of responsibility, obligations, consolidation, predictability and above all routine.
Let's have a look at the term sexy as the opposition have presented it.
It seems to mean having sex and yet the example that was given was Bill Clinton and I thought his defence was that he didn't have sex.
And then of course there was Camilla Parker-Bowles. Well, hold me back.
Yes, I must excuse her as one of the world's great sexual icons.
So what we're saying is that middle aged people are not spontaneous. They're not carefree.
They are that lonely place on a mountain in winter that does not get the sun.
Middle age is a natural contraceptive.
But is middle age sexy? Well, I don't know. I mean, is this sexy?
All the middle aged women in the audience would have gone, yes.
Or is this Alex? Oh, Alex.
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9. Out of 10. Nutritionless. Look them in. Kids. 8. Weight breaks.
What's a nutritionless?
What are you doing? First draw. We won't have to actually back. Why do you think we hired the ledge?
Smartest move we ever made.
Oh no, it's a drinks break. You better set them up. Yeah, it's about that time.
Great knock ledge.
Now to the final defender of middle-aged sexiness. Now she is so lusty that some have called her a thermonuclear sex machine.
That's simply not fair. It's a gross understatement. Men beware as you listen to that insatiable siren, the multi-megaton sex bomb, Gene Kitson.
Middle-age is sexy. Middle-age is like finally learning how to dance. Middle-age is when you realise that your youth was work experience.
Middle-age is when you get the knowledge, including the knowledge of what you don't know. Youth is when you know so little you think you know it all.
And we are all either youth or middle-age in training. Middle-age is experience and experience is sexy.
Compare your first date to your second marriage.
The arguments to the contrary of our opposition have all the depth of those early teenagers who go yuck at the thought of their parents having sex.
These are generally followed by the same teenagers going yuck when they start having sex themselves.
And then of course they grow up, unlike our opposition. So Paul doesn't think we're sexy. Well all I can say is, phew.
That is, what do you think Paul would find sexy? A night at home with a wagon wheel and a can of Sprite and logging on?
One hand on the mouse and the other on the computer controls?
In youth we experience the agonies of unrequited attraction, of being dropped, the white heat of jealousy, the torment of not knowing how and when and how hard to use your teeth.
By middle-age we've had match practice. We know we've discovered kindness.
And consider the relative satisfaction levels of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. The middle-age boomer had sex. The young one knew so little she thought they were in love.
If you're a young man and you can't get it up, or you did and you missed, you're just a young man in a hurry.
If you're a middle-age man and you can't get it up, you've got Viagra. If you're a young woman and you don't feel like it, you're dropped.
If you're a middle-age woman and you don't feel like it, you just have to say so.
Think of your first date. Are you thinking about it? Front seat, sticking your thighs like glad wrap on a lamb roast.
Gear stick in your armpit. No, it's not the gear stick. Feet braced against a dashboard. Head wedged between the seats.
Boy straining to deconstruct the bra strap. Losing your virginity in a bottle of vodka in the one giddy minute.
Then think of a crowded reception hall and you are forty. Forty and fabulous. Taught with tennis and looking sensational. And you sense his presence over by the sushi.
There's no rush. The anticipation is scintillating. The crowd eddies you together. The charm sparkles off your lips and drops like diamonds from a dealer's pack.
You recognize each other's personal fragrances like old friends. You run your tongue across the back of his neck.
He presses your lips to his. Is that the tang of Cabernet? His hands jog expertly all over your body.
And as you feel him knead, you wonder, does he make his own bread?
And then you dance and as you dance you cleave and you wonder, is a parent teacher night really the right place?
But you're confident. You're assured. You don't give a damn. You're middle aged.
Middle age is high. Summer. The fruit is ripe. The bloom is on the peach. The grapes are on the vine. The hive is full of honey. It is harvest time.
Slim and ready for anything. The visa sits happily on your hip. Regrets you've had a few. Too few to mention.
But you've done it your way and you've done it before. And nothing is sexier than that.
Thank you.
The rubber burns all weekend. The 1999 Qantas Australian Formula One Crown Prix. Exclusive to NINE's wide world of sport.
It's Australia's favourite morning paper because thick, soft, sorbent is the gentlest way to start the day.
The reporter was a nice guy until the bad guy stole his money and left him for dead. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
I'm gonna get my money back. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were dead.
Here we put a good bird dead guy. Mel Gibson. Payback.
Now the final... are we all back or what? Oh, here we are.
He gets his gear off so quickly. He's had lots of practice, yes.
Now the final speaker for the negative, arguing that middle age is not sexy, is obviously far too young to know anything about either middle age or sex.
But since ignorance has not stopped any of our other speakers, please welcome one of Melbourne's hottest young stand-up comics, Roe McManus.
Thank you very much. That is something that no one should ever, ever have to see.
Look, before I essentially get underway, obviously in this type of environment, slander can happen.
A bit of to and fro, a friendly dig here and there, and then it turns into something more serious, something downright ugly.
But what I thought I'd do, just to set everything off in the right vein, in the true spirit of super debate,
what I thought I'd do is just to give a peace offering to the opposing side, just to show there are no hard feelings and we mean nothing but the best.
We're out and got some gifties for the kids.
Wendy, I've got you a bit of alpha hydroxy facial renewal treatment cream, which helps reduce the visible signs of ageing.
Well, I'm so glad because it doubles as a lubricant.
Bingo. So what I'm here for, lip to give.
Sam, we've got you a bit of Grecian 2000 there, buddy.
It's a hair dye kind of thing, gradually restores lost colour to greying hair, naturally.
And after that last little bit, you might be able to use it other than just on your head, so that's good to know.
And Jen, I've got you a bit of Revitalift anti-wrinkle cream for you there.
Now, I don't want the other, my team members here thinking that I've neglected them, because guys, I was.
I did want to get a gift for you guys as well, but it turns out that there are no items like this on the market for young people.
Isn't that nutty?
Do you think that's trying to tell us something about the middle-aged set?
Hmm. Middle-aged people want to look younger.
Why do they want to look younger? Because younger is sexy.
People will spend thousands, nay, millions of dollars on plastic surgery.
And to do what? To look younger, more sexy.
You don't see people going into the plastic surgeon and saying,
give me a couple of crows feet there and just pump a whole crapload of fat into my butt cheeks.
And if you've got any extra skin line around, just sort of add it to me, upper arms here or give me one of them turkey neck flaps.
That'd be great.
And do you know, that's why it is, because the youthful look is attractive when you're out at a party or at a nightclub.
What are you going to be attracted to?
The person who's young and lithe and got the moves on the dance floor,
or the weird creepy person leaning up against the wall with the medallions swinging like a pendulum?
You know, old people, they're not sexy, and well, maybe that is the case, but that's not what we're arguing here.
And to me, I don't really think that old people are concerned too much about being sexy.
It is truly a case of been there, done that.
Not so much in middle age, as our opposing team would have you believe.
I think it's more in your older years, because you don't need sex anymore.
You now have the wonderful perks of old age.
What perks, I hear you ask?
Well, I mean, you can get in your car whenever you feel like it, just head out onto the road and piss people off.
Just speed up, then cut in front of them and slow down.
Indicate for no reason as you just peer over the top of the dashboard.
It's wonderful. You can wear your pyjamas to the shops.
And the best of all, you can pee your pants in public.
I am young. I am the youngest person here.
And I am 25 years old.
And I can say, honestly, at being 25 years old, the whole fear of middle age is something that is almost becoming a reality for me.
I don't want to be waking up to discover that my bum has gone from being a well-harved peach to two badly parked Volkswagens.
I don't want to be waking up and thinking, hmm, I think I'll wear socks and sandals today.
You see, you get older and you start to lose a bit of your sex drive.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
You start to feel that you are not as sexy as you once were.
You start to feel that your partner is maybe not as sexy as they once were.
So what do you do? You start to fantasise.
We've already had a list of people reamed off that people could possibly fantasise about.
But they're all a little off the mark.
Because when we fantasise, if we're in that situation, who are we going to fantasise about?
Middle aged people or young people?
Let me throw it out to you, cherubs, I think.
You are the ones who are going to be asking this question.
Let me ask the ladies first.
If you're in that situation, having to fantasise about someone, who's it going to be?
Is it going to be Brad Pitt or is it going to be John Howard?
Gentlemen, when you're thinking of that special someone,
will it be Anna Kornikova or will it be Mimi from the Drew Carey show?
Let me just leave you with one thought, if I may.
And when it comes down to your deliberation this evening,
when you have to pass judgement on who you think should win
and who you think is just lying their arses off,
just keep this little thought in mind.
Riddle me this.
Who was it who came out on national television,
proudly displaying his bald spot while happily pointing to the camera and going, yeah, yeah?
Was it a young person?
Was it an old person?
No, it was a middle-aged person.
And ladies and gentlemen, that was not sexy!
It's about overstepping the boundaries.
Didn't you know this patient was illegal?
Yes, I did, but it doesn't matter.
Choices that will test their character.
You report me, I'm dead.
I haven't started an IV, I don't know how.
And make them vulnerable.
Let's look for another rotation.
ER Thursday.
Hey mate, get a load of that.
Don't trust, don't trust just anybody.
Anyone.
Anyone, anyone, with, with your...
Where?
Repair.
Repair.
Don't trust just anyone with your repair.
Be sure you see the sign and put your trust in an RA approved repairer.
What are you doing?
First draw.
We won't have to actually back.
Why do you think we hired the ledge?
Smartest move we ever made.
I know, it's a drinks break.
You better set them up.
Yeah, it's about that time.
The best end of the day.
Great knock ledge.
It's the worst end of the day.
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You just can't control yourself, Peter, can you?
Take it easy, please.
Adelaide talks about SAFM's Paul, Amanda and James.
I love listening to Paul and Amanda and James in the morning.
I get into work, switch the radio on.
It's a great way to start the day.
They have so much fun, it's like they're married.
I do.
I do.
I don't.
I love the music.
It's got to be the music.
Natalie Umbrellia.
I love the mashbox 20.
Definitely a hot of mix.
The 80s, 90s and today.
They've got great chemistry, they just gel.
It's fun, it's just fun.
Switch to Paul, Amanda and James on SAFM.
Well now it's time to give the team captains one last pathetic chance to grovel and plead
in a bid to persuade you.
First there'll be Paul Fletcher, team captain for the negative, and then Wendy Harmer, team
captain for the affirmative.
Each will have a minute and a half by my stopwatch and I'll ring a warning bell at the 60 second
mark.
Paul, you have the floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, as I was doing my research for this topic, I came across the following
comment from a social commentator.
She said, she said, oh I hate men eternally for turning 45 and running off with 17 year
olds.
I hate them forever but I can understand it.
Mind you, most guys of 45 seem to be tired old men, they'd be completely flaked out by
a younger woman.
In other words, this person is saying middle aged women not sexy, middle aged men not sexy.
Who said it?
Well I'm glad you asked.
It was in fact Wendy Harmer.
I think that's an objective piece of analysis that makes the fundamental point that we're
here to make tonight.
It's not about whether middle aged people are successful, it's not about whether middle
aged people are fashionable, it's not about whether we respect middle aged people because
of course we do, it's not about whether we admire middle aged people, it's about one
thing and one thing only.
Ladies and gentlemen, you have three of Australia's finest middle aged people assembled here tonight,
hand picked for your pleasure.
Quite frankly, if these three don't get your love juices flowing, then nobody will because
this is as good as it gets.
You be the judge, but if you're not feeling pretty wet and sticky by the end of tonight,
then these people have failed.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have to say the opposition simply failed to fire my sexual imagination
this evening.
In fact, while I was speaking I couldn't help noticing that the ceiling in here could do
with a new coat of paint.
And Rove, I've got a present for you.
We've chipped in and we've decided to buy you your first bonk.
Thank you very much.
Sam?
You know, it's not their fault they've been sucked in by popular culture, which is obsessed
by youth and sure youths got firmer skin and a firmer chin and glossier hair, but is it
actually sexy?
I think you're smarter than that.
I think you know deep down that the skin may sag and the hair may fin, but sex, the driving
force of human nature, pulses in your veins until the day you die.
Now, after tonight's debate, what's it going to be?
Grab our skateboards and head down onto time zone for a night under the fluro lights on
the seagrally machine?
Or are we all going to head up to Jean's penthouse suite, order up a case of Bollinger, a lavish
seafood lobster supper, maybe a bit of slow dancing to Frank Sinatra, talk about sex and
life till a rosy dawn spills over Darling Harbour and just see what develops?
The choice is yours.
Thank you, Wendy.
Well, you've heard the rival arguments and now it's up to you.
If the affirmative has convinced you that middle age is sexy, please applaud flat out
on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Now, if you think middle age is not sexy and you were persuaded by the negative, let's
hear your response.
One, two, three.
Well, there's not much doubt about that.
I declare the negative team the winners.
That wraps it up for tonight.
We hope to be back soon with more super debates, but until then, from all of us here at Star
City, good night and good debating.
Coming up next on Nine, Jim Whaley reviews today's new sport and weather with Nightline.
Then the future ends as the Voyager crew finally make it home in part one of Star Trek Voyager.
See you then.