When Matson, for a star-studded salute, to the best of the best.
I thank all of you very much.
When the stars of daytime and primetime serials gather to honor the past season in soap.
Thank you all for your affection.
It's a celebration of continuing dramas where you voted for your favorites.
The 7th Annual Soap Opera Awards, Monday afternoon on NBC.
Race fires at the U.S. Mop-Up Circuit of Champions.
Part of the Redman All-American Pulling Series.
January 11th, 12th and 13th in the Omni.
Get your tickets now!
The Cosby Show, weekdays at 4 on 11 Alive.
I want to thank you for arranging this meeting, Mr. Salazzo.
Well, nobody wants a war.
If I can help make the peace, it's good for my family, it's good for everybody.
So, how's the Italian food in this place?
Good, try the veal.
Now, Saddam, I'm going to talk to the President in Italian, if you don't mind.
Fine.
This Kuwaiti thing is a bad thing for everybody.
But it's a business thing.
I want only that, Saddam.
Partiere.
Not Kuwaiti.
And Tuto. Tuto, whatever, completely out.
Molto rapido, senza linkage.
No linkage, no linkage.
Non a predente acquesta giuncture.
No, no pugada.
No pugada.
Now I feel, excuse me, I gotta go to the little boy's room.
That's, that's okay.
If you gotta go, you gotta go.
I've raced him, bushes clean.
Don't take too long.
Yeah, okay.
Calm down, just calm down, calm down.
It's okay, okay.
Now, Quail said he taped the gun to the toilet.
Damn, that idiot should have had Sununu do it.
Now, where's that gun?
Oh, there it is.
It's bumbling full boob.
That does it, that's the last important thing he does.
Let's dry it off there.
Now, just calm down.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Breathe, breathe.
Just relax, relax the body.
Easy, now two shots to the head.
Drop the gun, walk out of there, don't run.
Wasn't baked, President.
Mr. President, we gotta talk about territory.
Give Saddam the two islands.
Let the man wet his beak a little.
I mean, why should the El Saba family control Kuwait?
They're cutting the other families out of the action in this January 15th date.
Maybe we could push it back a little, say maybe to St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, they've got tents to take down, the logistics.
Are you listening to a word I'm saying?
That's it, he's off the ticket.
What was that all about?
I'm sorry, all I can say is, live from New York, it's Saturday night!
It's Saturday night!
It's Saturday Night Live!
With Dana Carvey, Bill Hartman, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, Dennis Miller, Mike Myers, and Kevin Nealon.
With Chris Farley, Chris Rock, Julia Sweeney, and featuring A. Whitney Brown, Rob Schneider, G.E. Smith, and the Saturday Night Live band.
Musical guest, Vanilla Ice.
And starring, Joe Mantegna.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Mantegna.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh man, oh!
What an honor, what an honor.
I never thought I'd get a chance to stand in this spot.
I mean, after all, when you think of somebody to host a comedy show, you don't automatically think Joe Mantegna, but I'll do my best.
I know I've got the whole Mantegna family out there watching, so I'm going to really do, excuse me.
I'm sorry, is something wrong?
Uh, no, nothing, excuse us, that's fine.
No, well wait, is there a problem?
Uh, it's just, just, we made a mistake, it's our mistake.
No, no, wait, wait.
Well, maybe I can help.
Well, we didn't realize that you would be hosting the show tonight.
We thought that the show was being hosted by Joe Montana.
49ers quarterback, yeah.
No, I say I can make that mistake, but no, why don't you stick around anyway, watch the show.
Well, I'd like to, but Tyler's a little upset, and I think we better just take him on home.
Well, no, wait, hey, hey, I understand, I mean, he's just a kid.
I know he's going to want to see the quarterback, but maybe I could talk to Tyler and, you know, maybe apologize for disappointing him.
Oh, okay, sure, go ahead.
Tyler, it's all right.
Hey, Tyler, how you doing?
Hey, you look like you can be a football player yourself, you're a big guy, huh?
Hey, you know, you ever been in a studio before, a TV studio?
I mean, the cameras, see these cameras just like this, this is just the same kind that they use at the football games.
Here, let me, let me like show you around here.
Here, come here, I'd like to tell you something here, Tyler.
Now, I have something to tell you, so you listen carefully, okay, this is very important.
No one walks out of a theater when Joe Montana is on stage.
You got that?
Now, obviously, you're not familiar with my work as an actor, but take my word for it.
I play a lot of very mean, very unpleasant characters, and it's no accident.
I am a very dangerous person.
Now, I think it's great that you admire Joe Montana.
He's a fine quarterback, a wonderful role model, but understand this,
one phone call from me and Joe Montana don't play next week.
Or maybe Joe Montana wakes up with John Madden's head in his sheets.
You understand?
And do you believe I could do the same thing to your dad?
That's good.
Now, I want you to do something for me.
I want you to go back to your seat, and I want you to sit down and enjoy the show, okay?
We have an understanding?
Good.
Now, are we friends?
And if either of one of us is ever in trouble, that one can go to the other for aid or assistance.
Isn't that great?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Now, let's go back and talk to Dad, okay?
I like Dad.
Dad, I think that Tyler wants to stay and I'll watch the show, huh?
Really, Tyler?
You okay?
Okay.
Dad.
You listen to your dad, Zach.
Tyler, he's a good man.
All right, we've got a great show.
Vanell Ice is here.
We'll be right back.
Hello, New York, and happy New Year.
1991 is finally here, and it's about time.
Tough, tough year for the Big Apple in our image around the country.
First, there was the Time Magazine cover story depicting New York as a rotting, crime-infested
hellhole.
And then, well, just last week, the final homicide statistics came out showing that
New York has set a new record for 1990 for murders.
Has New York become unlivable?
Well, our guest today doesn't think so.
I think that's really so true.
He's Mayor Dinkins' special assistant on violent crimes.
His name is Michael Fusco.
Mike, welcome to Hello, New York.
Thank you, Evan.
I just want to say New York is not a rotting, crime-infested hellhole.
The fact is that in violent crimes per capita, New York is number eight nationwide.
Number eight per capita, and we like to remind people that for every victim of a violent
crime in this city, there were four people who visited the Museum of Modern Art.
All right, let's go to our phones.
Our lines are open.
Hello, New York.
Yeah, hello.
I was mugged this past November in a subway.
I was coming home from a Knicks game.
What time was that?
Well, gee, it was a night game.
Went into overtime, so it was about, you know, 1.15.
Oh, well, come on.
It's 1.15 a.m. and you're on the subway.
What do you expect?
Next call.
Hello, New York.
Yeah, I got stabbed last week.
What time of day?
About 3 in the afternoon.
Uh-huh, and where were you?
I was in midtown.
I was carrying groceries to my apartment, and these four guys stuck me with a screwdriver.
Well, sir, let me ask you something.
Before these individuals stabbed you, did you speak to any of them?
No.
Did you make eye contact?
Yeah.
Sir, can you tell me why someone in 1991 would make eye contact with a stranger on the street?
Why not just wear a T-shirt saying, I'm an idiot, stab me?
Next call.
Hello, New York.
Yes, I was doused with gasoline, set on fire, and thrown off my roof.
Well, anybody who's been set on fire and thrown off a building will tell you.
It's awful.
It's just an awful experience.
But unfortunately, these things happen in New York.
People are going to get doused and lit on fire.
Tourists are going to get pushed onto subway tracks.
And little kids are going to smoke crack and beat old people with hammers.
But that's the price you pay for living in the most vibrant, exciting city in the world.
That's right, that's right.
Where else can you see cats?
Phantom of the Opera.
We got Aspects of Love now.
You can see five different Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals in five different nights here in New York.
I mean, can you do that in Washington?
Which, by the way, ranks number one in six different categories of homicide.
The fact is, New York ranks first only in one type of homicide.
And that is a stranger walking up to another stranger and shooting him.
All right, let's take another call.
Hello, New York.
Yeah, I was flying to Florida and we had a stopover in New York.
Well, while we were sitting on the ground,
a group of wilding teenagers boarded the plane and beat me on the head with a pipe.
In which airport was this?
LaGuardia.
Well, there you go.
You know, we've got Lincoln Center, we've got Tavern on the Green.
Where else can you order Chinese food at four in the morning?
Try doing that in Santa Fe.
All right, let's take another call.
Hello, New York.
Yes, I had a question, but while I was on hold, I was shot.
Uh-huh.
Well, hang up and call 911 and let it ring.
Somebody's there.
Okay, thanks.
You know, that reminds me.
The mayor's office is distributing these free pamphlets.
So you've been shot.
So you've been stabbed.
So you've been doused with gasoline and set on fire.
And of course, the I Love New York Guide to Avoiding Eye Contact.
All right, thank you.
Thank you, Mike Fusco from the mayor's office.
Now, I know you have to leave.
Yes, tonight I'm seeing cats again.
Oh, really?
I'm going to go see Les Mis.
Okay, back in a minute with a real estate collapse update after this.
Hello, New York.
This good boy shares what he has with the rest of his class.
This bad boy doesn't.
There's only one Jeep Cherokee Sport.
They thought of everything but the unthinkable.
She's designed to be deployed in hostile countries.
They controlled everything but the inconceivable.
When we find her, how do we switch her off?
It's not as simple as that.
We've got to be right about New York.
Stay down!
A lot of innocent people are going to die.
Only one man can stop the Eve of Destruction.
Gregory Hines.
Eve of Destruction, rated R.
It starts Friday, January 18th, at theaters everywhere.
This Christmas meant more to me than any other.
Past holidays had been torn apart because of my problem.
It all started with prescription drugs.
But when I finally realized that I was addicted, I turned to Gateway.
Treatment at Gateway was professional and caring.
And when I returned home, Gateway gave us the best present ever.
I'm myself again.
If you or someone you love has an addiction problem, call Gateway today.
Where does America go when it absolutely, positively, no doubt about it, wants to have fun?
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.
Dollar for dollar, America's number one family entertainment value
and the only place on earth where you'll witness 34 different acts,
including the very best of China, Moscow, and the USA,
together for the first time anywhere.
Check it all at the greatest show on earth, America's number one family fun.
At the Omni January 23rd through February 3rd,
get tickets at Ticketmaster or charge by phone.
Hello, Honey?
Hi, Honey, you sound great.
Honey, we love you and we're very proud of you.
Good evening.
I'm Ted Koppel, and this is Nightline.
If war does come to the Middle East, it will not be fought by George Bush or Saddam Hussein.
It will be fought by men like Sergeant Jimmy Becker of Sulphur Springs, Pennsylvania.
Sergeant Becker, I know you were married last August,
and your honeymoon plans were cut a little short.
Yes.
Well, we have your bride Renee on a live phone hookup,
and Renee, Jimmy, the line is now yours.
Honey, you look great, and like I said, we love you and we're really proud of you.
Well, I love you, and I appreciate it.
Well, here's Art.
Hey, Jimmy, it's Art.
Hey, little brother.
Hey, we love you, and we're real proud of you.
I love you, too.
Okay, now I'll give it back to Renee.
Hi, Honey, it's me again.
I still love you, and I'm still proud of you.
I'm proud of you, too, Honey.
Jimmy, hi, this is your Aunt Rose.
We love you, and we're just so proud.
Here's your dad.
Santa proud of you, and you love me?
Sure do.
Love you, and I'm proud of you.
Let me give you back to Renee.
Honey, it's me again.
Everyone is just so proud.
I know.
I have a surprise for you.
Jim, it's Bob.
Bob, Jimmy, you look great.
Well, thanks.
I wish I could see everybody there.
Well, we're all very proud of you.
I'll give you back to Renee.
You don't have to do that, Bob.
Honey, I miss you.
Yeah, no more, okay, Honey?
Honey, somebody special came all the way from Tulsa.
Okay.
Jimmy, it's Grandma.
Hi, Grandma.
Jimmy, where are you?
I'm in Saudi Arabia, Grandma.
Jimmy, could you come over when you have some time?
My car is making that same noise again.
I'll try to get somebody to fix that, Grandma.
It still drives fine and everything.
Of course, I don't drive that much anymore.
Grandma, put Renee back on.
What happened to that car, I don't know what I do.
Grandma, put Renee back on.
Hello?
Hello, what's going on?
Jimmy, excuse me.
I believe Renee is trying to get the phone away from Grandma.
Honey, it's me again.
Don't worry, Dirk said that he'll drive out
and look at Grandma's car for her.
Okay, well, you thank Dirk for me.
Well, you can talk to him.
He's right here.
No, Honey, no.
Jim, it's Dirk.
Listen, don't you worry about Grandma's car.
You just take care of yourself over there.
We sure wouldn't want anything to happen to you,
seeing as how we all love you
and how proud we all are of you.
Hi, Honey, I'm back.
Honey?
Sergeant Becker, Sergeant Becker, I don't mean to interrupt.
This is Ted Koppel in Washington.
On behalf of all of us at ABC News,
I just want to say how very proud we are of you, Sergeant Becker,
and how much we all love you.
Thank you, Ted.
I love you, too.
I've got Sam Donaldson here.
Sergeant Becker, Sam Donaldson here.
I don't know if Ted made it clear
just how much we at ABC News love you,
and it goes without saying that we're most proud of you
and your brave cohorts, whom we also love.
Sergeant Becker, Diane Sawyer.
Now, while I can't say that I love you
because, well, I've never met you...
Oh, come on, Diane, I've never met him and I love him.
Sam, if you would let me finish,
I was about to say how proud of him I am.
Oh, I see.
It's all well and good to be proud of our soldiers,
but to love them?
No, that's going too far.
Come on, Diane, it's no skin off your back to love the man.
Yeah, hi. Is Renee there?
Well, Sam, maybe it's just that love means something more to me.
I mean, I love my husband.
Oh, I get it. Let's just love Mike Nichols.
He's a big Hollywood director.
It's easy to love him.
Sorry, Sam, sorry, Sam and Diane,
but I do want to get back to Sergeant Becker
for some final thoughts.
Sergeant Becker.
Apparently Sergeant Becker has assembled a crude dummy of some sort
and left it in his place.
I'm afraid we're going to have to leave it there.
I'm Ted Koppel, and this is Nightline.
Nothing beats being a fan.
Nothing beats the sound of cheers.
Nothing beats clean, crisp and cold.
Nothing beats the king of beers.
Yeah, nothing.
Nothing beats a bud.
Yeah, nothing.
Nothing beats a bud.
Nothing.
Nothing beats a Budweiser.
Nothing, nothing beats a Budweiser
Ice cold Budweiser
Nothing beats a Bud
America braces for 1991
The sins of the 80s have come due
Now more than ever
A worried nation turns its eyes to
HBO, where 1991 is gonna be great
There'll be uncut laughter, unbridled passion
Outrageous specials, socially acceptable violence
And the biggest box office hits on television
Yes, HBO in 91
A ray of light in an otherwise yuck year
This is 11 Alive News around the clock
Good morning, I'm Carmen Burns
In the news, Congress has given its approval for the United States to use force to get Iraq out of Kuwait
Four Georgia lawmakers were against the war vote
Cobb County police are looking for the identity and killer of a young black woman
Her body was found at Lake Atworth Saturday morning
She was shot to death
A DUI sweep in metro Atlanta landed 16 people in jail
And 22 cars in the impound lot
Stay with 11 Alive, your round the clock news source
I had a dream
And in it, I heard a voice
What do deer eat?
I couldn't answer
When do fish sleep?
I couldn't answer
Where do owls live?
Then I realized the voice was my own
And it was time to find some answers
The Pathfinder from Nissan
Built for the human race
He's concerned and he's nice
He's Officer Miller
He gives out free advice
He's Officer Miller
If you're down and in doubt
You'll be glad he's about
So just give him a shout
Hey, Officer Miller
That's me
Hi, Officer Miller
Hello, Billy
I see you've started smoking
Yes, sir
Kind of makes me feel like one of the older guys
You want one?
No, I carry something else in my pocket, Billy
Pictures
Want to see them?
Sure
Wow, what's that?
That's a human lung, Billy
A healthy one
Pink, clean, fresh, good enough to eat
Now that's a smoker's lung
All tar and tumors
Not a pretty sight, is it?
No, it isn't
How about this one?
This is the guy who had to have his jaw removed
He's a funny-looking sort, isn't he?
Talk about your weak chin
Hey, what's this one?
Oh, that's an enlarged prostate, Billy
We'll talk about that some other time
Okay
Say, why aren't you playing ball with your friends today?
Well, I got a lot on my mind
My grades, the Middle East
Why are we over there, Officer Miller?
It has something to do with freedom, Billy
What is freedom, anyway?
Well, I think Chris Christopherson said it best
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
Nothing ain't worth nothing, but it's free
Let me see if I can put it another way
There's an old Persian proverb that says
Every man is free to jump as high as his own penis
What does that mean?
How old are you, Billy?
Fourteen
I guess there's a lot I don't understand
Well, part of that confusion comes from the fact
that you're at the age we call puberty
Right now, your body is producing enough testosterone
to kill a man in his fifties
Well, sometimes I see a woman just walking across the street
and I look at her body and I just want to jump on her
and climb all over her and undress her with my teeth
Okay, okay
I just wish there was some way to tell if women were attracted to me
Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department
You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom
the female gives off very clear signals that she's in estrus
and eager to mate with any available male
It might be a scent, a particular call
or in the case of the Chakma baboon
the female's genitalia become flared and swollen
It's like a big red catcher's mitt
Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes
so any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden
I see
So the human female has to be a little more subtle
She might show her approval with a smile or a gesture
or the way she moves her hips when she walks
turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling for our attention
Do you know what a tease is, Billy?
I think Sherry O'Donnell
Exactly
And there are millions like her
You know, society's funny
A man's not supposed to notice or say anything
He's just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face
stand there in his thick, scratchy blue uniform
Maybe he forgot to wear his T-shirt that day
and his nipples are on fire because
they've been rubbed raw against the stiff wall of...
Well, I gotta go play ball, Officer Miller
Whoa, whoa, not so fast, Billy
Let me ask you
What kind of gal are you looking for?
Oh, somebody nice, somebody kind
Somebody who'll love me for myself
Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy
Do you remember the song
I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad?
No
Well, it's an old song
What do you look for in a woman?
Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so
I look for women who will love me for a little while and then go away
The best kind of woman for me is the one who's guaranteed to someday not be there
Okay
Now you can run on and enjoy your ball game
Thanks, Officer Miller
Well, could you throw these away for me?
You're a good kid, Billy
Hey, Officer Miller
If I had a Z, it'd be silver
No, black, and I'd take it to a racetrack
Hold it
Nah
Drive in this country
That's what I'd do
Wait, Germany
Yeah, now that'd be epic
Running a Z flat out of the Autobahn
Too bad you can't drive to Europe
It's the best of the blockbusters coming at you on videocassette
Die Hard 2, the thrill machine of the summer
Bruce Willis, Die Hard 2 on videocassette
Rated R, coming January 31 from CBS Fox Video
What do you think?
How can Americans save 7.5 million gallons of gasoline a day?
Carpool, and it can save you hundreds of dollars a year
Let's put our energy into saving it
Alpha's a real family show
I don't have to worry about content or language when I'm watching it with my grandchildren
With my magic wand, and the flower pot becomes...
big jaggedy pieces of clay
I think it'd be great to watch it with my grandchildren
Perfect!
Some of the other shows on at that time were so heavy
I feel like Alpha's the ideal alternative
Be there, or be square
Alpha, weekdays at 4.30, only on 11 Alive
Some people want to change the way you eat
At Minute Loo, we just want to change your world
The men's warehouse opens in Atlanta
If our substantially lower prices on men's designer clothing don't impress you, our excellent service will
I guarantee it
The men's warehouse now open in Cumberland, Gwinnett, Kennesaw, and Buckhead
Ladies and gentlemen, Vanilla Ice
Yo, VIP! What's up, quick?
Let's dig it!
Ice, ice, baby
Somebody say ice, ice, baby
Ice, ice, baby
All right, stop!
You got the hook
All right, stop!
Elaborate and listen!
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a heartbeat daily and nightly
Gwinnett, I will stop
Yo, I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll go
To the extreme, I'll rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and watch it jump like a candle
Dance!
Don't rush the speaker that booms
I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom
All deadly
When I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it, you better game
Wait!
You better hit fools how the kids don't play
If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook with my DJ
Somebody say ice, ice, baby
Oh yeah, pump it up!
Ice, ice, baby
Dance!
Now that the party is flippin'
With the bass kickin' and the Vegas all humpin'
Quick to the point, to the point, no
Cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon
Burnin' em, if you ain't quickin', then boom
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a hi-hat
With a souped-up tempo
I'm on a roll, man, it's time to go surf
Just you are rollin'
In my 5.0 with my rag top L so my hair can blow
Girlies don't stand by, waving at the same high
You didn't just stop, hell no, I just drove by
Kept on, pursuant to the next stop
A bunch of left and I'm heading to the next stop
The block was dead, yo, so I continued to A1A
Beastman Avenue
Girls were hot, wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers, driving like games
Jealous, cause I'm out getting mine
Quake with the gauge and vanilla with the nine
I'm ready for the jumps on the wall
Chumps actin' new because I'm full of eight balls
Sunshot, reigns out like a bell
So what? Spat my nine, all I heard was seven
What for then?
On the concrete real fast, something in my car
Slam on the gas, pump it up, pump it up
On the avenue's back, tryin' to get away
From the jacket's jack, police on the scene
You know what I mean, yeah
Pass me up, we're runnin' off the dopey
If there was a problem, yo, I solve it
Check out the hook, woman, somebody say
Spat my nine, pump it up
Come on, come on, say it
Spat my nine, everybody
Come on, come on, say it
Spat my nine, I can't hear you
I can't hear you, come on, come on, come on
Ice, I see
Yo, ask me, take, take, take
Take heat, cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene, just in case you didn't know
And it's my town, that creates all the big sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
For my style's like a chemical spill
And these are rhymes you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed is a hell of a concept
We make it hype, oh yeah
Now you wanna step with it
Quake plays on the fade, slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade, so fast
All the DJ say, bam
Rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram
We might come back when it's time to get loose
Plain as ice, but I'm like, when I kick my duke
If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook, woman, somebody say
Ice, ice, baby
Pump it up, pump it up
What's my name?
Ice, yo, ice man
Word to the mother
Ice, ice, baby, too cold
Too cold
Ice, ice, baby, too cold
Too cold
Somebody say ice, ice, baby, too cold
Too cold
You say it
Ice, ice, baby, too cold
Too cold
You say it
One, two, break it down
Oh, yeah
Vanilla ice
To the ice
What's vanilla ice?
To the ice
Vanilla ice, ice, baby
To the extreme
Vanilla ice
To the extreme
Vanilla ice
Vanilla ice is in your house
Word to the mother
Vanilla ice
To the extreme
Vanilla ice
Oh yeah, 2-2-2-3 vanilla ice, ice, baby 2-2-2-3 vanilla ice, ice, baby 2-2-2-3 vanilla ice
An all-new Seinfeld is back.
I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
You're a cashier!
The critics call it a winner. Seinfeld on NBC Wednesday.
Taco Bell is three times better
With three new menus, it's three times better
I'll tell you why
Three low prices, now everything I like is just $59.79.99
Taco, Taco Supreme, not just Supreme, $59.79.99
Riding for the bullies, where I sit
$59.79.99
Taco Bell is three times better
$59.79.99
Where does America go when it absolutely, positively, no doubt about it wants to have fun?
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.
Dollar for dollar, America's number one family entertainment value
and the only place on Earth where you'll witness 34 different acts, including the very best of China,
Moscow, and the USA, together for the first time anywhere.
See it all at the greatest show on Earth, America's number one family fun.
At the Omni January 23rd through February 3rd.
Get tickets at Ticketmaster or charge by phone.
Race fires at the U.S. Mopop Circus of Champions.
Part of the Redman All-American Pulling Series, January 11th, 12 a.m. and 13 a.m. in the Omni.
Get your tickets now!
The Cosby Show, weekdays at 4 on 11 Alive.
And now, Weekend Upping with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
God, I love Bowie.
You know what the best thing about that song is?
He wrote it 10 years ago, but it's timeless.
I'll bet you it could still be a big hit today.
Fighting finally broke out in the Middle East today
when Tom Brokaw and Ted Koppel began to fight for their rights.
They were fighting for their rights.
Today, when Tom Brokaw and Ted Koppel began beating up on Dan Rather.
The big story this week talks between Secretary of State James Baker
and Iraqi Foreign Minister Aziz broke down Wednesday in Geneva.
Aziz refused to deliver a letter from President Bush to President Saddam Hussein
saying the letter was, quote, rude.
Well, we at Weekend Update have gotten hold of the President's letter
and we'll let you decide for yourself whether it is indeed rude.
Dear Sod, I would be more than happy to deal with you face to face
if I could stand the smell.
Barbara and I have run across some freaks and lowlifes in our day,
but you take the prize.
Today I looked in my toilet and you came to mine.
So get your fat ass out of Kuwait before I take an 11-inch rod
and personally, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
At the talks, Tareg Aziz claimed Hussein invaded Kuwait solely to help the Palestinian people.
Baker says he understands completely,
especially since our troops are just trying to help out the people of Greenland.
We planted a secret hidden microphone at the Geneva talks
and here's an actual recording of some of the conversation there.
Iraqi Foreign Minister Aziz was quoted last week in Geneva saying,
I swear, these are not groucho glasses. This is my real face.
How can we be that afraid of a man who sits like this?
And here's a program note.
Remember to tune in Tuesday night at 1130 Eastern Time
for a one-hour special Dick Clark's Rockin' Invasion Eve.
War jitters mounted this week in Jordan
when asked how those war jitters were manifesting themselves,
Jordan said, I can't hit the jumper anymore.
Here are the Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman General Colin Powell
and his immediate underling, Semicolon Schwarzkopf,
trying to cover their embarrassment at showing up in the same costume.
Vice President Quayle said last week he'll quit golfing at an all-white club,
but will maintain memberships at an all-male club
and an all-idiot club outside of Bethesda, Maryland.
On his New Year's visit to the Gulf,
Quayle began to play volleyball with the troops,
but the game ground to a halt when the Vice President was unable to rotate.
President Bush this week held a press conference
and called for a cutback in podium expenditures in the new federal budget.
In the background are his trusted advisors,
and as you can see, they're all hands-on guys.
When asked what he thought of his Men of the Year time cover,
President Bush said, I liked it, but I didn't like it.
And now, here with a big picture is A. Whitney Brown.
Welcome, Whitney.
Thank you, Dennis. Nice to be here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Well, my friends, there are exactly three shopping days left
for Saddam Hussein.
You know, I bet it's getting really hard to cash a check in Iraq right now.
Anyway, the real battle just ended a few hours ago in Congress.
You see, according to the Constitution,
only Congress has the power to declare war, not the President.
Now, the Constitution says a lot of things.
For example, only Congress has the power to raise taxes,
yet that doesn't keep the President from promising not to do it.
The Founding Fathers, you see, were afraid that if they let the President declare war,
by the time the guy ran into a domestic problem with a no-win solution,
he'd start looking around for a swarthy foreign dictator with a shady mustache
and a bad attitude to take the heat off of him.
But somewhere along the line, some President convinced Congress
that no chief executive would ever sink that low.
I think it was Nixon.
So, anyway, the President got the key to the gun cabinet.
Now, Congress wants it back.
The President says Congress waited too long, it's too late, they're indecisive.
Congress, on the other hand, says that until last Tuesday,
they were busy debating how they were going to spend the peace dividend.
So the upshot is the President will have the right to go to war,
and Congress will have the right to criticize him if it goes badly.
Now, as far as the public's concerned, they're ready to fight.
Fifty percent of Americans think we should attack at 1201 a.m. January 16th.
I read that in USA Today.
Well, I didn't actually read it,
but there was a stick figure with a rifle fighting,
another stick figure with a tank,
and a pie with red, white, and blue-colored pieces cut out of it.
So Americans are very well informed about the situation.
And it's nice to know we won't be fighting alone.
We'll have 4,000 French troops behind us, which is where they'll be,
but nevertheless, they're going to fight.
They're still trying to live down losing that war with Greenpeace,
so they'll be behind.
Now, we've also got 60,000 Egyptian troops,
and I don't want to be picky about this,
but when was the last time Egypt won a war?
Now, I know they fought the Nubians to a draw in 2300 B.C.,
but I mean since gunpowder.
No, we also have several thousand troops from Bangladesh,
and they're not very well equipped,
but at least they don't complain about the field races.
The thing is, though, we even have allied ourselves with Syria.
Yes, our good friend and loyal ally, Hafez Assad.
Apparently, Yamin wasn't available.
He's locked up in a hotel in Cairo trying to get down to his fighting weight.
Anyway, as the aptly named deadline approaches,
I can only say to all combatants and civilians,
please try to find a place to hide.
And that, my friends, is the big picture.
Thank you, Whitney.
Thank you, Dennis.
And hard times for the Soviet economy mean slim pickings in Russian stores.
Here, shoppers line up outside a Moscow establishment
to fight for just two melons and an old woman.
Squeezing the overripe head of the old woman,
one shopper called it the worst season ever.
That's newly elected Massachusetts Governor William Weld
on the left being congratulated by former Governor Michael Dukakis,
who stepped down this week, and he didn't have far to step.
State Representative David Duke has announced plans to run for Governor of Louisiana.
Duke threw his hood into the ring at a special luncheon last week in Kenner, Louisiana.
Tuesday night, three new members were elected to baseball's Hall of Fame
in Cooperstown, New York.
Those to be honored with bronze plaques are
seven-time American League batting champ Rod Carew,
two-time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Gaylord Perry,
and six-season 20-game winner Ferguson Jenkins.
One of next year's possible nominees, Reds manager Pete Rose,
is currently in a halfway Hall of Fame in Cincinnati, Ohio.
And...
The National Coalition on Television Violence
is protesting President Bush's appointment of Arnold Schwarzenegger
as the chairman on physical fitness.
They claim Arnold's movies teach more violence than anything else.
The actor cited dozens of bodybuilding titles in his defense
and several health books he's written,
but the coalition still refused to listen,
so Arnold killed them.
After a two-month layoff, tennis star Boris Becker's new diet has really paid off.
And in Washington, D.C., yesterday,
a reproductive rights group staged a protest outside a free clinic
where many had gathered to have their tubas tied.
It's your choice to laugh at that.
You know, according to the Census Bureau this week,
due to the ever-increasing population explosion,
everyone will now be famous for 14 minutes.
And the new year has revealed a decline
in the popularity of cartoon star Bart Simpson,
who probably made a fatal image error
when he decided to get help for his hypertension.
A footnote on our top story.
Immediately after Wednesday's Geneva meeting failed to achieve results,
Secretary of State Baker, using his fingers, began a clear countdown to war.
Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
We can all only hope that this countdown stops at two,
and we have peace for all.
Guess what, folks, that's the news, and I am out.
We recruited some big-time sports heroes,
tossed them Doritos Jumbo Jack Cheese flavored trotter chips,
and said, hey, what makes these a winner?
Cheese!
Jumbo Jack Cheese!
Cheese!
Jumbo Jack Cheese!
Cheese!
Jumbo Jack Cheese Doritos.
Hey, if these guys have to eat their words, it's like, no problem.
Doritos knows Jack about cheese.
Shower Gel from Soft Soap.
It's a whole new way to work yourself into a lather.
In daily combat with dirt and germs,
enlist new Soft Soap antibacterial moisturizing soap.
It's tough enough to kill germs,
yet gentle enough to be called Soft Soap.
Ed Boyle's Chrysler Plymouth,
your giant minivan headquarters,
brings you a giant used car sell-off.
Giant savings, over 500 cars to choose from.
Clean low-mileage minivans, convertibles, trucks,
sedans, sports cars, domestic and import.
Cars from $29 to $29,000.
Because of our year-end tax sale, we're overstocked.
Over 100 cars must be sold to someone at some price.
No reasonable offer refused, some cars sold below cost.
It's a giant used car sell-off at Ed Boyle's Chrysler Plymouth.
Hurry, sale ends Monday.
At Bennigan's, we're always creating special ways to bust your blues.
That's why we created Kids Eat Free.
For a limited time, kids 12 and under choose any item from the kids menu
and a fountain drink free.
Sunday through Thursday, only at Bennigan's.
It's a place to be,
because kids eat free.
Bennigan's.
Blues Busters.
Sunday through Thursday, only at Bennigan's.
Kids Eat Free.
Live from the Marcy Project, it's I'm Chillin'.
Yo, what's up?
Welcome to I'm Chillin', the most stupefying show on TV.
I'm your host on Ski, to the highest degree, to the T-O-P-O, it's all about Mike.
And sitting by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam, my can of Spam.
His name ain't Pam, he goes by the name of B-Fat.
Yo, B, tell him how you feel.
Yo, I'm chillin' like Bob Dylan and I'm killin' like Penicillin'.
Yo, B, yo, B, yo, B, you clockin' the house?
The ones that's willin'.
Now, before I start the show, I said before I start the show,
I want to say what's up to a new sponsor, that's right.
I want to say what's up to F'd Up Mart Liquor, that's right.
F'd Up Mart Liquor.
The combo taste of F'd Up Mart Liquor is guaranteed to do just that, get you F'd Up.
Remember, the F is for fire.
Yo, Onski, pass me a 40 dog.
Here you go, baby.
Yo, Onski, I heard the Prince is all that and a bag of chips.
Yo, man, I don't like Prince, man. Don't play me like that, man.
I don't like Prince, all right?
Don't base me. I heard you had all his albums.
Yo, man, I got all Prince's albums, man. All I got is proper rain, all right?
I like Darlan Nicky, okay? Okay? Okay?
Yo, yo, forget that, man. Yo, it's about that time, man.
Time to bust a rhyme?
Nah, B.
Time to shoot a mime?
Nah, B.
It's time for the mother joke of the day.
That's right, today's mother joke was sent to us from the Big Daddy chain
at the Toppkins Project, Apartment 7C, right next to the incinerator.
And it goes on there on something like this.
Yo, your mother got so much hair in her arms,
it looks like she got buckwheat in her headlock.
Yo, Don Porter, tell him what he's getting for that.
You win a Raiders cap.
That's right, a genuine Raiders hat,
just like the one worn by every black teen in the city.
Yo, Don, tell him what else he's getting.
You'll also win a gold tooth, a genuine three-carat gold tooth,
just like the one worn by rapper Flavor Flav.
And if you don't like that, you can get the Bo-Zack.
Now, right now, we're gonna show a world-permitted video
for my man Ice Cube called Kill That Will.
That's what we're gonna do right now.
Yo, I gotta go right now.
That's my beeper beeping so I ain't sleeping, you know what I'm saying?
I gotta go pick up my baby's mother, you know what I'm saying?
Because she's a cashier down at Popeye's, you know what I'm saying?
You know, right now, I want you to remember one thing.
Always wipe and stay off the pipe.
If somebody asks you what you're doing, tell them,
Mom, I'm chilling.
So let me close by saying that your attention in this matter would be good.
All right, read it back.
Okay.
Dear sir, the parts shipment we received on December 4th was unsatisfactory.
Okay, okay.
Now, this part is all new.
The replacement parts in the aforementioned shipment received Tuesday last
were proven to be inferior when put to use.
No, no, when put into normal use
as they were in no way applied to any incorrect usage.
Read that part back.
Dear sir, the shipment we received on December 4th was unsatisfactory.
The replacement parts in aforementioned shipments were...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, back up.
Received on December 4th, which was unsatisfactory...
Okay, start again.
The replacement parts received from the shipment mentioned above
were met with disappointment upon their application to service.
No, no, served us in a greatly disappointing manner,
which we did not like.
Have I said we didn't like it anywhere?
Well, you said the shipment was unsatisfactory.
Well, is that the same thing?
I think so, yes.
No, no, no, leave it in, leave it in.
So, now, where are we?
Okay.
They served us in a greatly disappointing manner that we did not like.
Okay, one more change.
Served us in a disappointing manner that greatly displeased all involved
as the parts referred to earlier repeatedly found themselves in a broken capacity
upon their being exposed to even slight wearage.
Okay, let's start over.
What's at the top again?
The shipment we received on December 4th was unsatisfactory
and we feel obliged to point out the source of our displeasure
with your heretofore fine product.
No, don't write that yet.
Move us both to understand the causes of our chagrin.
Oh, I know what's wrong.
Mr. Lukens, Mr. Lukens, why don't you just say that the shipment was unsatisfactory
and you'd like a replacement as soon as possible.
It seems like it would be a lot more efficient.
What was the last word I said?
Chagrin.
Okay, dear sir, it is with great chagrin that I express my dissatisfaction
with the shipment received from you by us on the Tuesday prior to this letter.
The replacement parts in the shipment previously referred to
served us in what proved to be a failing capacity that was unacceptable.
A prompt reply to the situation would seem befitting for all parties involved
with warmest personal regards, Don Lukens.
Well, we got a reply to your letter.
Oh, what does it say?
Dear Mr. Lukens, upon receiving your letter on the 12th regarding the shipment
received by you on the 4th, we feel obliged to say that your prompt attention
is very greatly appreciated in reference to the defective merchandise
mentioned in your letter regarding our shipment mentioned above.
We find ourselves to be especially cognizant of the issues raised in your letter
relative to the refunding of your money.
Alright!
Skipper, you ever been afraid of dying?
Son, you gotta have permission to die.
Danny Glover.
All we really got is each other.
Willem Dafoe.
Nobody has a chance alone.
Brad Johnson.
I do know the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing.
Loyalty.
Bravery.
Sacrifice.
You're gonna live!
Flight of the Intruder.
Rated PG-13.
Starts Friday, January 18th at theaters everywhere.
The Accord four-door sedan.
We took a good idea and built on it.
Introducing the Accord wagon from Honda.
It's over.
The tree has lost its glitter.
The fruitcake is fossilized.
And you're besieged by the general reminders of Christmas fast.
That's why Pizza Hut introduces the $5.99 pepperoni pizza deal.
Get a delicious pepperoni pan pizza at a never-before-low price.
But you'd better hurry because, unlike the fruitcake, this deal won't last forever.
Where does America go when it absolutely, positively, no doubt about it wants to have fun?
Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus.
Dollar for Dollar, America's number one family entertainment value
and the only place on Earth where you'll witness 34 different acts,
including the very best of China, Moscow, and the USA, together for the first time anywhere.
You'll see it all at the greatest show on Earth, America's number one family fun.
At the Omni January 23rd through February 3rd.
Get tickets at Ticketmaster or charge by phone.
Good afternoon, my friends, and welcome to Bill Swirsky Superfans.
I'm Bill Swirsky, and with me, as always, are the superfans, Pat Arnold.
Hey, Bill.
Todd O'Connor.
Bill.
And Carl Wolarski.
How you doing, Bill?
All right, we're talking here live from Ditkas on the heart of Chicago,
the heart of Chicago, Illinois, the city of the big shoulders, and home, of course,
to a certain football team which has carved out a special place
in the pantheon of professional football greats.
That team which is known the world over as the Bears.
The Bears.
Okay, by my watch, we're about 13 minutes from game time.
As you're, I'm sure, aware, the Bears are getting ready
for their big playoff against the New York Giants.
The Bears are seven point underdogs, but don't count them out.
Now, let's go around the room for some predictions.
Pat?
The Bears, 62 to 3.
Okay, Todd?
Bears, 79 zip.
Oh, really? You don't think that the Giants will score?
No, I do not.
The Bears' defense is like a wall. You can't go through them.
All right, how about you, Carl?
I say Bears, 52 to 14.
Oh, what? Come on!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I gotta give the Giants credit.
I think they'll give the Bears a game.
All right, leave him alone. That's his prerogative.
As for my prediction, at game's end,
at the game's end there will be two teams of contrasting moods
heading off the field, my friends.
One glum, one gleeful.
The gleeful of which being the Bears.
The Bears.
74 to 2.
I mean, after all, our civic pride is on the line,
because let's face it, if New York were to somehow beat Chicago,
we'd never hear the end of it.
Ah, they would love it over there.
You know, it's absurd, really, that we would even have to waste our time
comparing ourselves with that crime-ridden rat hole.
Absolutely.
I mean, for example, which building would you rather have,
the Empire State Building or the Sears Tower?
Pat?
Sears.
Carl?
Sears is taller.
Todd?
Sears.
All right, all right.
Now, let me shift gears here for a moment.
What is God's role in this?
Obviously, he's rooting for the Bears.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have put them in Chicago.
That's right.
The question is, now, did God create the Bears
and make them superior to all other teams,
or is he simply a huge fan,
and did God make them superior to all other teams?
That's a tough one.
All right, guys, here's your food.
Who had the bratwurst?
I had the bratwurst.
All right, bratwurst.
I had the Polish sausage.
I ordered the knockwurst and pork chops.
Yeah, please, next time, bring the food
during the commercials, darling, all right?
Just doing my job.
All right, all right.
Todd, could you pass the cats up?
Sure thing.
Okay, well, I see now that it's almost time
for the foregone conclusion that is today's game.
It's not gonna be pretty.
Bears. Bears. Bears.
Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this.
What if the Bears were all 14 inches tall,
you know, about so high?
Now, what's your score at today's game?
Against the Giants?
Yes, give me my handicap.
Bears, 18, Giants, 10.
And that would finally be a good game.
That would be a good game.
Mini Bears, 24, Giants, 14.
What about Ditka?
Would he be Mini 2?
No, he would be full grown.
Oh, then Mini Bears, 31, Giants, 7.
Well, hold on.
Then I'd change mine, too.
I thought it was a Mini Ditka.
Okay, gentlemen, another scenario.
Another scenario.
The Bears, they don't make it.
Their plane is delayed,
and the only one who shows up is Ditka.
Ditka versus the Giants.
Okay, score, gentlemen.
All right, after the heart attack,
I gotta say Ditka, 17, Giants, 14.
He just barely gets by.
All right, that sounds exciting.
Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.
Bears, Bears.
Hey, as you fans know,
sports celebrities like the frequent Ditkas
and odds maker Danny Sheridan
has just sat down with us.
Now, Danny, what would the point spread be
for a game like that?
Ditka versus the Giants.
Now, remember, it's only Ditka,
not the regular Bears, too.
Okay.
I'm gonna say the Giants by about 800.
Right, Danny.
Now, are you from New York?
He lives in New York, eh, Bet?
That's right.
You like it there?
You can stay there as far as I'm concerned.
No, it's just that it's one guy against, you know...
Yeah, that's all right.
Just take your crack pipe and go home.
Get out of here, Danny.
Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun.
All right.
Now, let's get back to our discussion.
Bears versus the assembled choir of heavenly angels.
The whole choir?
The whole seraphim, cherubim, the whole nine yards.
Your pick.
Angels.
Angels, but it's close.
Bears.
All right.
Ditka versus God in a golf match.
Now, he's a good golfer.
Ditka.
Ditka, Ditka.
Well, I see they're setting up the 40-foot screen,
so I guess it's game time.
Now, you enjoy the game, folks.
And remember, next week, Bears Niners.
All right.
Now, Bears versus Stephen Douglas in a debate.
What do you think?
Bears.
Give them applause.
Bravo.
Critics are applauding Green Card as the perfect love story.
It's a bouncy, refreshing comedy, proclaims us magazine.
An irresistible romance raves sneak previews
and winner of three Golden Globe nominations.
Including Best Performance by an Actress, Best Performance by an Actor,
and Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical.
Don't miss the most irresistible romantic comedy of the year.
Green Card, From the Director of Dead Poet Society.
Rated P.G.13.
Now in select cities, starts Friday everywhere.
It starts Friday everywhere.
This good boy shares what he has with the rest of his class.
This bad boy doesn't.
There's only one Jeep Cherokee Sport.
Now, over here, we're gonna put that computer.
You don't want it over there?
I don't know.
When the moment comes to build your dreams, no card's better than Gold MasterCard.
This corner's for your weight machine.
With more buying power, at nearly three times more places than American Express.
This wall's for your trophies.
No pressure, though.
Yeah.
Gold MasterCard, piece by piece, the best gold card to master the moment.
Now, this is a baseball.
On the next Golden Girls.
A picture, booked in 1957.
Sofia explores the family tree.
I'm the mother of your children.
A thousand nights of begging.
Three times, you said yes.
For that, you want a present?
And finds a young Dorothy.
If I ever do this to you, I want you to take me out to a field and shoot me.
Could you put that in writing?
It's a trip down memory lane.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1881.
On the Golden Girls.
Monday at 5.30 on 11 Alive.
The Bengals, the Raiders, the AFC Divisional Playoffs, Sunday.
in a world where victory is the only thing that matters the only way to win is to risk it all Tom Cruise days of thunder coming to video stores everywhere February 8th from Paramount coming January 15 victory land brings you the chance of a lifetime the chance to win one million dollars make a
million in races and you win one million dollars guarantee turn two bucks into a cool
million in our first ever million dollar jackpot make a million at victory land racing nightly
except Sunday at Exit 22 off I-85 in Shorter Alabama at Mission 19 and over 11 alive welcomes
remax as a 1991 for kids sake sponsor together we're working to make the world a better place
for kids sake the Cosby show weekdays at 4 on 11 alive once again vanilla ice
vanilla ice is selling and new people are buying just stop me and see me pop it that's why
I'm
cuz 1991 is my year
BAM!
I'm gonna kick it down
Oh yeah!
I'm gonna kick it down
Pump it up!
I'm gonna kick it down
Yo!
Yo, wicked and fast, yo
And I can tell it
Your body's getting hot
So, so I can smell it
So don't be mad
And don't be sad
The lyrics on the ice
You can call it
Your picture's a bitch
So step back and enjoy
Let the witch stack the ice
Do the dance if you're
Come on, slow
And don't be square
You wanna battle me
Anytime, anywhere
You thought that I was weak?
You're dead wrong
Come on, everybody
And sing my song
Say, play that funky music
Play that funky music
Say, go white boy, go white boy, go
Just lay down in bouquet
And play that funky music
Go!
Pump it up like it's mad
Everybody say it
Say, play that funky music
Everybody wave your hands
Pump it up, baby
Wave your hands
Pump it up, baby
Wave your hands
Pump it up, pump it up
Wave them, wave them
Wave your hands
Pump it up, baby
Wave your hands
Pump it up, baby
Wave your hands
Pump it up, pump it up
Oh, yeah
That's right, baby
Boom!
Let's see
How can you cut your heating bill by 30%?
Maybe even in half
Proper insulation of your attic
Let's put our energy into saving it
The sports car I want is a Nissan
Uh, no
The one with super-high-kistering
No, the other one with super-high-kistering
Yeah, the 240
And I test it, sometimes curvy
No, I mean curvy
No, I mean really curvy
Then I listen to some music
No, I mean real music
Yes!
I've got the worst cold a human being ever had
And I'm out of NyQuil
I could take these, but I'd still be up all night coughing
What am I gonna do?
Could I borrow a cup of NyQuil?
Once you know what NyQuil can do
Nothing else will do
You know when it's right
You know when you feel it, baby
You hold it, you hear it
Taste it, it's right
Diet Pepsi, ah-ah, ah-ah
You got the right one, baby
Ah-ah, ah-ah
Diet Pepsi
It's dispirits passively lovable
Unsurpassably colorful
And intermittently soulful
You got the right one, baby
With 100% Nutri-Sweet
The mafia prince
The feds set him free
How violent can he get?
You're dead, click
Also son of a preacher
Religious leader to thousands
But what goes on behind the temple walls?
He takes a knife and stabs him 40 times and cuts his ears off
The exclusive story on Expose
Right after Real Life on NBC Sunday
A piece of string, a few small light bulbs
Some balsa wood and a little copper wiring
It may not sound like much
But with these simple things
Thomas Edison made this
Edison made this during his later or crazy years
At the time, his invention was dismissed as the work of a madman
And today, it still is
But that didn't stop Edison
He didn't know where he was going or how he would get there
Indeed, at this stage, he didn't even know how to use the bathroom
But from the summer of 1910 until the spring of 1912
He labored night and day to produce this
The addition of the coat hanger wires was in Edison's mind
A vast improvement over the earlier version
But still, he wasn't satisfied
Then he heard that another insane scientist was working along similar lines
That scientist was the wolf man
The wolf man had largely given up his nocturnal predations
And had turned to inventing
Edison rushed to Europe to work with him
An early motion picture camera recorded their first meeting
After that, they settled into a familiar work pattern
The wolf man was generally the idea man
Then Edison would take the wolf man's inspiration and run with it
Their first invention, the so-called fork-and-spoon helmet
Was largely ignored
The idea man was the idea man
Their first invention, the so-called fork-and-spoon helmet was largely ignored
And they were severely disappointed
The wolf man took it especially hard
But their next invention
Began to attract the attention of insane investors
Finally, they hit upon what we know today as
This thing
Edison and the wolf man
Truly two of our most important insane inventors
Come on, you guys, we're gonna be late
So what, we're just gonna lose again anyway
The Mazda MPV four-wheel drive can help you get just about anywhere you want to go
Let's go home
Its V-6 engine and rear anti-lock brakes let you handle even the worst weather with confidence
Face it, Mom, we stink
Hey, where's that team spirit, huh?
Hey, Gail, the other team couldn't make it
You guys win by forfeit
The Mazda MPV four-wheel drive
It just feels right
If the weather stays bad, we can take the tile
Evander Holyfield, now that you're heavyweight champion, what's next?
Atlanta Sports Conover
Somebody put me through the Omni
Cause I wanna have fun tonight
I'll be there
Have fun with the famous while you go to bat for leukemia research at Emory
I'm through the Omni
Meet your favorite sports stars, have fun with the famous
The Atlanta Sports Carnival, February 4th at the Omni
Cold filter, Miller Genuine Draft
For those who've discovered its real draft taste
The world is a very cool place
All my friends will be outside
The smallest particle known to man is the quark
Quarks throw a party and form an electron
Electrons form molecules and molecules form things like spatulas and platypuses
Sometimes the fastest and lightest molecules get together and form a cheetah or a rocket or Jerry Rice
Under ideal conditions, they form the Nike Air Trainer TW Lite
The lightest, fastest Nike cross-training shoe in the world
So you can wait 12 billion years for these to occur randomly in nature or buy a pair pre-assembled today
Isn't science wonderful?
This is a very sad occasion
We are here to remember a man who has meant so much to all of us
We have lost a wonderful man, the greatest cut man in boxing history
The man who closed so many wounds and stopped so much bleeding and swelling between rounds
So that boxers of every race and creed could continue their business in the ring
I'm talking, of course, about Eddie the Clot or Hanlon
Eddie was the best
He followed in the great tradition of men like Stitchy McWheeling, Tissues Tarillo
And going way back, Knife and Putty Kavanaugh
I know when I was a fighter, he came through for me
He was so wonderful, I remember this one gash that started up here on my forehead
It crossed through my eye and finished on my nose
It kind of had a Florida shape
And the blood was mixing with my sweat running into my mouth
When I got back into my corner, I thought, this is one gash that is too big to close
Then Eddie comes over, takes out my mouthpiece, presses on the gash
Oh, give me a minute here
He pulls out some Vaseline, jams his Q-tip into the gash, gets it in there real deep
And seals the cut
That was Eddie
Now I want to introduce one of the great trainers, a man who had Eddie the Clot in his corner many times
Victor Pappalano
I'm just going to tell one story
The story of the cheek and the earlobe
Many of you have heard it, but I think it's worth repeating
It sums up Eddie quite well
We were in the ring in Miami, and Eddie had left his bag of stuff at the hotels
He quickly, desperately grabbed whatever he could find in the arena
Well, sure enough in the first round, our fighter, Lupe Sanchez, gets cut, twice
The left ear is torn, the earlobe dangling from the head
And on the other side of the face, a sliced open cheek with the exposed bone
And all Eddie had to work with was a bucket, a pair of scissors, a wet rag, and some caramel candy
And 45 seconds in which to work his magic
Well, Eddie went to work
He took the dead part of the earlobe and snipped it off, wedging it into the cheek cut and stopping the bleeding
Then finally, sealing both wounds with the caramel candy
Naturally, I was concerned
Eddie, I asked, are you sure this is legal?
He turned to me and said, I don't care right now
This Mexican kid wants to fight
Well, that kid's here today
Lupe Sanchez
Thank you, Victor, thank you
I know it's never easy to get through that story
Now let's hear from one of Eddie the Clot's disciples
A fine cut man in his own right, Casey the Coagulator McHillary
You know, a lot's been said here today about Eddie
We heard about the cuts, he's closed, and the bleeding that he stopped
But I think a lot of people don't realize how great Eddie was at draining fluid
There was this one time when Tony Gallegliano took a thumb to the eye, right?
Got swollen like a grapefruit
Now what Eddie had to do was reach all the way up into the socket and pull the tissue back
Now that's a hard move because you got the brain right here, right?
Eddie would die, this ain't door to justice, Eddie, if you can hear me up there
You know the cut I'm talking about, right, Eddie?
Thanks, Casey, that's a side of Eddie I did not know
And now some of the true legends of boxing would like to pay their respects
First, the great Walter Wayne who fought a record 260 professional bouts
Dancing Joe Caton
It was Eddie, it was Eddie the Clown, I'm tired, I want some eggs
Eddie said something, and he said never forgets
And I'll never forgets, and Eddie said, he said give me some eggs
Eddie said father, father, father, father, father
It was, I'll never forgets it, I'll never forgets it
Thanks, Dancing Joe
Now there's a man who could really take a punch
And now one of the bright stars of the modern boxing world, Hector Macho Man Kamacho
Don't forget about the Macho Man
March 14th, I am going to beat Tony Tucker
Thank you, Hector
Don't you forget about the Macho Man
And now we are honored to hear from someone very special
Mrs. Eddie the Clown, oh hell
Eddie was so considerate, you know
I remember one night we had tickets to South Pacific
And Eddie hadn't had a day off in about 200 nights
And I guess I must have been on cloud nine or something
But anyway, I tripped in the shower and I cut my head
And the blood was coming out real fast
And I told him, I said Eddie let's get to a hospital
He said baby, you gotta see that show
Ten minutes later, I was looking at Mary Martin
That's a strong, beautiful woman
And now, Dancing Joe will lead us in a final prayer for Eddie the Clown
Dancing Joe
Our Father, who art in heaven
How be thy saddle, Father
Father, Father, I want some sausage
Flazle, flizzle, flizzle, flizzle
And I will, I will follow you
Time may come and time may go, I know
As you know, questions are never that easy
And never the same as you find a way to my heart
And I will always be with you
From wherever you are
And I will, I will follow you
Pour it on, work it out
If you're talking about sports, that's what it's all about
So pump it up, pump it up
Pour it on and work it out
It's because after working out, you don't want to fill up
So reach for the silver bullet, the one that won't slow you down
Talking about cool, it's like it's the right beer now
Pour it on and work it out
The sumo wrestler, a Japanese icon
The fatter he is, the more revered he is
In fact, many reach as much as 400 pounds
And while much of Japanese culture is embraced by Americans, the sumo wrestler is not
It's been a great week on behalf of the cast, the crew, and Vanilla Ice and everybody
So long, bye-bye
David Copperfield, January 19th and 20th at the Fox Theater
He vanished an airplane and made the Statue of Liberty disappear
Now see him live with magic that will blow you away
Feel the magic, feel the music
David Copperfield, all new, all night
Magic for the 90s, the magic of David Copperfield
Tickets are on sale now at the Fox Box office
All Ticketmaster locations are charged by phone
He's coming January 19th and 20th to the Fox Theater
The magic of David Copperfield
If I could afford a sports sedan, the road would belong to me
Wow, I'd have one of those multi-valve engines, independent suspension, and of course, a spoiler on the back
Yeah, if I could afford a sports sedan, life would be a cruise
Oh, it's you, Bob
Introducing the new Nissan Sentra SCR
Because rich guys shouldn't have all the fun
Warning, the following scenes may shock you
They contain graphic depictions of the everyday lives of people who suffer from mental illness
Hi, hon
Hi, Dad
Isn't that nice?
Thanks
It's an Ang painting that's in the Louvre
It may come as a shock, but many people with mental illness can lead lives that aren't so different from yours
To understand more, call the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, toll-free, 1-800-950-NAMI
The judge moves to 11 Live, starting Monday morning at 10
I'm John Palmer
Sometimes a place takes on a special significance that makes it more than just a spot on the map
For Carol Barkelo, West Point was more than just a school
It was a place where her heroes had walked before her
A place where some felt she didn't belong
For Matt Kennedy, Coney Island was more than just a beach
It was a symbol of a simpler time
When summer met a stroll on the boardwalk or a ride on the rollercoaster
So travel with us, you're about to experience instant recall
Aspiring soldiers face their first battle and their fellow cadets are the enemy
West Point's first female cadets take on 174 years