Now, in the soup, we try to escape Spidey's web.
Tomato tomato.
Take a potty break with I'm a celebrity.
Don't flush the puppy.
Shake our booties for Mary Murphy.
Nothing wrong with that.
And clear the table for the Real Housewives finale.
You can't take any more beans.
Plus Miley's new man, the Bachelorette's bedroom problem, and the kick-ass clip of the week.
Now, here's the host who watches it all for you, Joel McHale.
Welcome to the soup, okay?
I've stalled long enough.
You know when you get a bug bite and it really itches and you scratch it too much, then you
rub it in goat stool for no reason at all?
And you just reach that point where you can't ignore the infection, someone has to come
in and stab the puss out of it without remorse until it bothers you no more?
Al Roker interviewed Spidey on the Today Show this week.
You guys are the poster children for everything that's wrong with celebrity in this country.
Are you proud of all of this?
It was a very hard situation.
I think when you go to the jungle.
Are you proud of this?
You guys claim that you were tortured during this.
No, we were not.
Yes, you did.
You say villain, some people say jerk.
I mean.
Tomato, tomato.
What's next for you guys?
We live in the moment.
Like next is now maybe walking to there.
I don't.
You're going to have to walk to there because you're done now.
Oh yeah, you're done.
And here's what a comeuppance looks like in your neck of the woods.
And then in a daring move of defending themselves by proving the other person's point, Spencer
told Us Magazine, people keep on referring to this weatherman like I'm supposed to know
who he is.
Oh, shout out to weatherman who I guess got to even hang out with us this morning.
That weatherman's name, sir, is Albert Lincoln Roker Jr.
He has been working in broadcast journalism 35 years and he is the cousin of the late
Roxy Roker of Jefferson's fame, not to mention a recipient of a coveted soup award.
When you talk about him, you treat him with respect.
I say good day.
Alas, it didn't stop there and in response, the people of Iran continue to march.
Spencer and Heidi went on a whirlwind tour of so many places, saying so many reprehensible
things it broke our montage machine.
Here's what was left after the explosion.
I'm going to pray for him because I feel like we never really got a hold of him.
My heart was pounding and I, you know, obviously any male, especially, you know, an elderly
man that thinks he can, you know, berate my 22 year old wife.
I also heard that you were posing for playboy.
Do you think Mother Teresa would have done that?
I'm more of a modern version.
Would there be a plan to go into it to eat anyone?
I'll singeize.
What do you want?
I like Indian food.
When I look in the mirror in the morning, I actually think about how amazing I am.
When I look in the mirror in the morning, I thank the heavens.
It's not a TV, so I won't have to see you again, dude.
A modern version of Mother Teresa.
Al got into final work.
And then Spencer said he's lucky I was saved by Jesus because a couple of weeks ago I probably
would have ripped his head off.
If he had tried to come across, I would have dumped him like a bag of dirt.
Dumped him like a bag of dirt?
Come on, man.
You're journalists.
When you use simile, you can't compare something to what it is already.
That's just lazy, Al.
Come on, buddy.
Huge news, Kate Goslin is photographed spanking one of her daughters on the cover of In Touch
Weekly, and E.T.'s Mary Hart breaks it down page by page.
It is the big story of the day, and we have new details in tonight's latest news.
The headline, Kate Loses Control, the mom of eight irate, grabbing her daughter, then
the open-handed hit, a spank, Leah shrieking, grabbing her bottom in pain.
In Touch Weekly on Stan's Friday with the exclusive photos of the incident that happened
just three days ago.
Minutes later, the cops arrived because too many people were gathered outside the Goslins
home.
And most of those people gathered outside her home were photographers that we sent.
Kate broke my arm.
Hi, Mary Hart.
Way to, uh, way to purchase a magazine, E.T.
They describe that well.
Okay, in Hannah Montana news.
It's Miley.
No, it is not.
It's Hannah.
Miley Cyrus announced that she will quit her role as Hannah Montana when the show's fourth
season ends next year.
I'm losing blood.
And in Miley's Love Life news.
I have something to live for.
Okay, Miley is now dating someone her own age, so I think it's time to leave Miley alone.
Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell thinks it's time to stalk and ogle at her.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
And up for air.
You won't see that on Hannah Montana.
And you won't see me hiding in the bushes watching two underage kids making out, desperately
hoping that some of their youthful exuberance will light the fire in my pre-menopausal loins.
In Lindsay Lohan news, Lindsay has been hitting the town of New York and Access Hollywood
went 3,000 miles out of their jurisdiction to cover the story.
In our news segment, Billy Bush is just saying.
Lindsay Lohan out late night in the Hamptons wearing a fun sparkly crop top lens stopped
by the lounge at 1 a.m. Saturday morning.
Let's think about this.
Is it really a good idea for Lindsay Lohan to be in the Hamptons on a summer weekend and
showing up at a club at 1 a.m.?
I'm just saying.
Billy, if she doesn't go out drinking in the Hamptons at 1 a.m., you don't have a job.
I'm just saying.
I'm sorry, was that inappropriate, Billy?
It's gross.
So is your mullet.
All right.
Let's talk about chicks, man.
Chicks, man.
This week, the insider asked the question the rest of us were afraid to.
Christy Alley in a cage with lemurs.
She's already been banned from Applebee's, Red Robin's, Sprinkles, Cupcakes, and Jody
Romer.
The woman has to eat.
Would someone just put her by the edge of a river so she can catch salmon in her mouth?
Let's throw those lemurs into some Chet Stew, shall we?
So meaty.
The Today Show brought us the story of a young boy impaled by a tree, his remarkable recovery,
and David Gregory's journalistic acumen.
Good morning.
Hey.
Hey, Garrett.
It's tough to look at those pictures, but really good to see you sitting up.
And how are you feeling?
Pretty good.
A lot better than I was when I got the stick in my neck.
Good question, Gregory.
Got any other gems to throw my way?
One thing about my voice hasn't changed, maybe.
I'm going to go back to bed to sleep off getting a stick in my neck.
Can you believe this, eh, ho, mom?
The Today Show also featured a corrections segment where Willard Scott corrected a journalistic
error he made in a previous episode.
Then he made the same mistake again.
Hey, Uncle Willie.
Hey, you are the king of weather.
Nobody can touch you.
Mr. Frontal System.
Ooh.
Mr. Included Front.
Ooh.
That sounds Freudian.
Hey, listen.
I bought a pair of glasses because yesterday I screwed up a very nice lady's name.
I called her Robert.
Changed her gender.
Roberta Manson.
Jacksonville, Florida.
106 and we love you.
Sorry about that, Chief.
Anyway, let's move right along.
Oops, I did again.
Excuse me, Colonel Man.
I'm never going to get this right, am I?
Probably because women that old do have mustaches.
And that's a fact, kind sir.
Is she still alive?
Anyway, mustaches grow after you die.
So do your nails.
Back in the 1600s, people thought they were vampires.
Sorry, Robert.
I'm sorry.
I'm rambling, and I don't know how much time you have left, Robert.
Anyway, you're a good man, buddy boy, Robby Bobby.
All right.
Back to you.
What?
Uh, what do you do when you get an interview with Adam Lambert about a week too late?
You get Chris Connolly on 2020 trying to make everything he's saying sound even more fascinating
than when he said it the first time.
How does that feel to be open to the world now?
It feels really good because I think there was a lot of speculation and a lot of talk.
And yeah, sexy is sexy.
Are you bi-curious?
I had like an odd fascination with glitter.
So there you go.
Nothing wrong with that.
You know, there's acceptance and then there's here's the key to my summer home.
My wife thinks I sold it.
Bring your friends, preferably sailors or just haven't dressed like sailors.
And glitter.
You may have heard of the puppy that was rescued after getting flushed down the toilet.
If not, Good Morning America's Chris Cuomo has a story and the nonsensical euphemism.
What you were looking at is the plumbers using camera equipment.
They located him in a drain 20 yards from the house.
The little Cocker Spaniel now clean and happy.
It's a Nemo kind of ending.
Kind of.
The little four year old said, I thought he was dirty, I thought he was dirty.
Clean now.
He's clean now.
All right.
Don't flush the puppy.
No, but safe and sound.
Safe and sound.
If I had a dime for every time I've said that.
I'd have 70 cents because there were seven different times I refused to clean my room
and my father would say, you don't clean up this room, I'm going to flush your puppy
down the toilet.
And I'd shout, don't flush the puppy.
And I'd clean my room up right away.
And each time my father flushed the puppy anyway.
My father was an awful, awful man.
Here's Tim Champion with the weather.
We'll be right back.
Stay tuned for reality show clip time.
With New York clowning around, Paris Hilton still can't find a BFF and the Real Housewives
finale.
Plus, it's still complicated for Denise Richards, a Mexican cat fight and the Kick Ass Club
of the Week.
Not.
I'm Bruno.
Bruno is coming.
Will you remember what I look like?
Um, most likely.
Bruno is fantastic.
Take it off.
Bruno is amazing.
You gotta be out of your mind.
What type of belt is that, candidate?
Damn trick.
What is DNG?
Poche on Kibana.
Hello.
Bruno is ready.
Ah.
Bruno!
Now Snapple's got healthy green tea, tasty black tea, a little sugar.
What's our slogan?
Best your stuff.
Stuffy stuff.
Good stuff for bettering.
Stuff.
Guys, the best stuff on earth just got better.
Good stuff, Greg.
I'm okay with that.
We're dating.
Snapple, the best stuff on earth just got better.
Marco.
Something missing this summer?
Marco.
Find someone great at Match.com with our free summer quick start.
A few simple steps that'll help you meet someone unforgettable.
See you at Match.com.
Excuse me, which sock is wider?
Oh, that one.
Definitely the one on the right.
Yeah.
Are you?
Seriously, the Clorox one.
Oh.
The difference is obvious.
For the whitest whites, use detergent, plus the advanced whitening formula of Clorox
bleach.
Absolutely brilliant.
The Portuguese audience!
That was incredible.
It's just my pleasure.
Orville Redenbacher's invites you to catch the return of America's Got Talent, Tuesday
9, 8 Central on NBC.
I sent Julie an edible arrangements bouquet.
We're best friends.
I had one delivered to my parents on their anniversary because I was thinking of them.
And for Peter's birthday, a very special party.
Edible arrangements bouquets are gorgeous, made from fresh fruit, and taste delicious.
You can even add chocolate.
So make any occasion special.
Ordering is easy.
For pickup or delivery nationwide, visit a location, call, or go to ediblearrangements.com.
One in four women can misread a traditional pregnancy test.
Try Clear Blue Easy Digital.
No pregnancy test is more accurate.
With totally clear results in words, results five days sooner.
No test is more accurate.
Scott, I want you to introduce my greatest creation.
The new Toasty Torpedo.
It's over a foot of Quiznos flavor on Slim Sleek Ciabatta for only $4.
Only $4?
Yes, Scott.
I'm waiting for it.
Quiznos.
Toasty.
You're inspired by everything around you to create an intergalactic module for a video
game.
A bright idea and lighting.
Or the seasons must have on the Paris runway.
Turn your imagination into a career in media arts, design, or fashion at the Art Institutes,
America's leader in creative education.
Get the real world education you need to succeed.
There's a school near you.
Call 1-888-84-CREATE today to get inspired.
If you're in debt to the IRS for $10,000 or more, you don't have to take desperate measures
to settle your account.
All you have to do is put the right people to work for you.
And that's as simple as calling this number.
We'll speak to a tax expert who can help you negotiate a settlement that's significantly
less than the actual amount you owe.
They saved my business.
I owed $30,000 and paid a fraction of it.
Call this number and get your case settled for less.
Now, you only have a small window of time to settle, so act now.
The Entertainment Weekly must list is here.
Huh.
We almost have some embarrassing photos of Entertainment Weekly's editors.
We have a tranny that does all our voiceovers now.
Welcome back.
As long as I get that.
Last week on So You Think You Can Dance, we learned that Mary Murphy likes Botox and dirty
dancing.
I love my cha-cha rough.
Yeah.
On Wednesday, we learned that Mary likes...
If it's not rough, it's not fun.
She likes her jokes to be older and more tired than the show's contestants.
While critiquing a very flexible disco routine, she made a really dated joke, which was interrupted
by a pervy slo-mo of the dance, and then punctuated by the same really dated joke.
Girl, you really need to work on that flexibility.
Not.
I mean, that eagle split that you did, it was unbelievable, and Brandon, you really
need to work on your strength.
Not.
You were getting down out there.
Yes, you were getting down.
Woo-hoo.
I never thought of murdering Nigel in his sleep and then dancing the cha-cha with his
lifeless body while screaming about taking a ride on the hot tamale train.
Nigel.
Did you wear sunglasses at the beach?
I'm a celebrity.
Get me out of here.
Brandon has collagen in her colon.
Apparently Janice is a little backed up.
I haven't had a **** in seven days.
It's like I'm distended because I can't go poo.
I look three and a half months pregnant.
Time for prunes.
I'm just... I wish they'd work.
It's going to take some time to push it all out.
Sanjaya, why is it you two stand to the side while you're doing that?
Looks like she's pregnant with VH1's summer lineup.
It was the finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and the obvious question on everyone's
mind was, will the women finally find something interesting to fight about?
Well, close.
At Teresa's dinner party, Danielle gets upset at everyone for reading the book about her
that was published in 1995, so she snaps at Teresa who decides to make her cleaning lady
pay for it.
Obviously, something in that book has to be true.
I told you, Teresa, were you not here, two things are written that are true.
What?
Name change?
I got arrested.
Pay attention, please.
I am paying attention.
You're not stripping!
You are stripping!
You're a wretched prostitution whore!
You are f***ing Daves 19 times!
You f***ing stupid bitch!
You f***ing...
F***ing whore!
F***ing pissing me off!
I love you.
You can use hairspray to get the stain out of the tablecloth.
Sure, you've got some of that.
Why did you invite her?
The Bachelorette was basically just a bunch of talking this week, which makes sense, given
Jillian's smokin' hot neck for conversation, but judging from this tease, good things are
comin' soon, or maybe not at all.
My fantasy suite date was not exactly how both of us had planned.
When one of the bachelors experiences a certain problem in the bedroom.
I feel like I failed.
My fears got in the way of the moment.
Why that one person, everything was there that I couldn't wait to be with in this setting.
The romance just wasn't there.
I guess this overwhelming pressure has really affected the physical intimacy of your relationship.
I wish so bad I had more time to know for sure.
I was really hoping to have sex with someone I barely know tonight.
Now I have to wait until tomorrow.
I'm a real catch.
Paris Hilton is looking for yet another BFF, which I'm told stands for Bisexual Frequent
Flyer, and she's opening up her candidates to a whole new world, the world of enormous
pastries.
Well, as you all can see, this is a humongous cupcake.
It's huge.
Literally.
No, Paris, you used the word literally to differentiate an actual fact from a theoretical
one, as in, I literally don't understand what these people have to gain by being your pretend
best friend.
Or when I heard they were doing another season of the show, I literally took out my frustrations
by beating a hobo senseless with a kayak paddle.
But you're right.
That is a mighty big cupcake.
On Hitched or Ditched, Anthony, who lives at home with no job, wants to marry Courtney,
who owns her own home and has a successful business.
You can see why his mom got so upset and has to put a stop to this madness.
All I want is your support.
That's it.
You're not going to get it.
I'll walk you down the aisle.
I'll walk you, I'll trip you, and then I won't slip my wrist, you'll say, Courtney, mom.
I will listen.
Don't get me wrong.
Let me just get over this state of, like, of suicide thought.
How is it?
I'll commit myself.
It's an emotional hell rollercoaster.
If I'm not there, it's not because I don't keep lying.
It's because I can't do this.
Remember Anthony, if she's not there, it's not because she doesn't love you.
It's because they won't let her smoke her world record length cigarettes in church.
Also, every time she walks through the doors, the priest starts chanting in Latin, and then
her head spins around and she projects out vomit.
Her mom is Johnny Rodden.
Oh, yes.
Yes, he is.
Yes, that's right.
On the Real World Road Rules Challenge, The Duel 2 and The Little Lady, it's The Reunion
Show and hosts Maria Menounos, who up until this point has had no relation to either MTV
or the show, asks the cast about the hookup between C.T. and Siobhan that created a lot
of controversy.
Where does Siobhan fit into all of this?
I think she knew what was going on.
She was like, you know, when things are **** your body, like, it's not a big surprise.
She's a dirty, dirty whore.
No, of course she's a dirty, dirty whore.
It's one of the three requirements to be on the show.
You have to have failed the psych exam, have a valid passport, and be a dirty, dirty whore.
Come on.
You did the same thing.
On New York Goes to Work, the fans voted for New York to work as a clown, so she only had
to wear half as much makeup as she usually does.
First, she tried her hand at telling jokes.
Improvise half.
I have to do jokes with this puppet, and I only know one.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's your ****.
Your ****.
Where?
Your ****.
And your ****.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Is it?
Is it who?
Is it infected?
Because it's beginning to smell.
On Daisy of Love, Davy, who is a slut elf, is having trouble reconciling her attraction
for Fox.
Over here.
With the fact that he is a metro douche with a serious girlfriend, let's see how she prevails.
Underneath those good looks is a jerk.
I'm out.
Like Sauerkraut.
I mean, that doesn't mean that I'm done.
I'm sorry that, you know, it had to not end this way, because I know that, you know, times
are endless, and I just wanted to let her know that I'm just so sorry that it had to
end this way, knowing the fact that this situation had to occur.
But most of all, I feel bad that the situation which occurred was an occurring situation,
and that bad feelings arose how it made me feel bad, and I'm gonna go eat a taco with
Sauerkraut.
I'm gonna stare in the mirror for a while, because times are endless, and we'll be right
back.
Hold on.
The soupiest stuff is up next, including Denise Richards' latest drama, telenovela
wrestling, and the kick-ass Clip of the Week.
Crest White Strips has created a revolutionary strip that sticks to your teeth so well you
can even drink water with it on.
New Crest White Strips advanced seal.
Get a dramatically wider smile while you do just about anything.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
I believe that there are still mysteries in the world, and wonders, and surprises.
I believe that fun is a renewable resource, that somethings you'll never be able to download.
I believe that when we celebrate life in creatures big and small, we discover connections that
stay with us forever.
We're a place where worlds connect.
SeaWorld.
You and I must make a pact.
We must bring salvation back.
Where there is love, I'll be there.
I'll be there.
And oh, I'll be there to cover you.
Build my world of dreams around you, I'm sick less than I found you.
I'll be there with a love that's strong, I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on.
Don't you know baby, I'll be there.
I'll be there.
Just call my name.
I'll be back.
Decepticon.
What?
My phone?
It's the new LG Versa.
Decepticon.
No, it's the new LG Versa.
With a camcorder.
And a GPS.
And a computer.
No, a Decepticon.
Here's that word again.
The LG Versa.
Is it a phone or something better?
Transformers Revenge of the Fallen.
How'd it go?
Most babies are accidents.
Not me.
I was born to save my sister's life.
My sister has leukemia.
You're supposed to give her a kidney?
I want to see my parents for the rights to my own body.
Would you repeat that please?
I know this.
What am I supposed to tell them?
Tell them you're important too.
You gave up everything for me.
I love you, Anna.
My Sister's Keeper, rated PG-13, starts June 26th.
The Sharpie Twin Tip Marker.
Two tips, one marker.
Opposites attract to make the perfect pair.
Sharpie.
Uncap what's inside.
Excuse me.
I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Oh.
Cancun.
Spring Break 99.
What?
No?
No.
Oh.
Oops.
Someone forgot to boost.
Excuse me.
I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Oh, my daughter's in your art class.
Sister Mary Catherine.
Yes.
Minute Bait Enhanced with a 5 Nutrient Boost.
Put Good In, Get Good Out.
Before Kendra and Hank settle down, this perfect couple has to settle this.
Why is she inviting this guy to stay at our house?
Don't miss a super new Kendra.
Next Sunday it's in.
Well, welcome back.
Ayora, clipos magnificos.
Are you serious?
This week on Valeria, there was an awesome cat vibe.
Yeah, like you didn't know.
I'm mad at you.
Oh.
You're back?
Yep.
I win.
Are you just going to stay down there?
Yep.
Let's take some E.
It kind of worked.
Denise Richards, colon, it's complicated, has returned.
And this Sunday it's all new.
And oh, colon, it is complicated.
Denise is still going out on blind dates.
Oh.
It's weird how you can't find good fish in the Pacific or a good man to date in L.A. It's
like if you did everything would become uncomplicated and who wants to watch a show called Denise
Richards, colon, running smooth.
Damn, I'm handsome.
Did you like me as a leader of Cobra Kai and the Karate Kid?
It's a clip of the week anyway.
That's because you didn't tip.
Andrew Zemeirn has traveled the world over and eaten the finest mountain oysters and man
yams around.
On his bizarre food survival special, he needed a guide and given Andrew's dietary preference,
this guy was the logical choice.
Before I hit the beach, I've got about 36 hours to learn all I can from this man, my
cock.
Sadly their plane crashed and Andrew was forced to eat my cock.
Bring my cock to see me June 20th at the Lakewood Civic Center in Cleveland, July 24th at Humphreys
by the Bay in San Diego and July 10th at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, July 11th at the Hampton
Beach Casino, New Hampshire.
Check out the soupblog at theinline.com.
See you next week, my cock.
Thanks to Major Nelson.
Three years ago, you had five years, you had two more years.
Three years ago, you had five years, you had two more years left.
You and Gavin.
In two more years.
You better pretend anything.
Today on Web Soup, things you shouldn't attempt, products you didn't know existed, and a horror
movie you will not believe got made.
Plus, the best in personal injury, things you can't unsee, and the laugh that will haunt
your dream forever.
All that and the greatest web video ever this week.
Right here on Web Soup.
Hey everybody.
I am Chris Hardwick and welcome to Web Soup.
You give us a half hour and we'll give you approximately 22 minutes of the best and worst
the internet has to offer.
Today, what do you say we kick things off with some of the internet's freshest droppings?
This is the Big Upload.
You know, it's true what they say.
When you revisit things from your youth, they seem so much smaller, whether it's your high
school or even just a music video for Beat It.
You know, to complete the illusion, he really should be playing that song at four times
its normal speed.
And you've got to wonder, where does he keep a little Corey Feldman and an even tinier
Emanuel Lewis, he'd be like this big.
Oh, little people.
I call them sliders.
Alright, sure, playing basketball on a trampoline sounds like a good idea on paper, but while
introducing a springy surface to the sporting event may heighten the drama, it also pumps
up the stupid as this next viral proves.
Oh my God, how could they not call him for traveling?
Oh right, he can't walk anymore.
Little people, they're not just a demographic we don't care about, they're also loads of
fun to laugh at.
Say, look at these two charming octogenarians whose grandchildren forced them, presumably
at gunpoint, to dance to the devil's music.
You know what, I gotta say, they actually look like they had a great time.
Oh, and speaking of time, their wake will be held this Tuesday from five to eight.
Exercise is the key to good health, and in pursuit of fitness, we've all been searching
for the same thing, a workout video that shows just how eight is enough star Dick Van Patten
got those rock hard abs.
Dick, no, you've gotta do it Debbie's way.
I'd rather do it Dicky's way.
Apparently eight wasn't enough when it came to cheese danishes.
On the plus side, Dick Van Patten, my new favorite euphemism for masturbation.
Yeah, I said it, I'm not afraid.
Let's take Dick Van Patten down a notch, living up in your pie in the sky mansion surrounded
by ass.
Come on, Dick Van Patten.
Are your social skills at a point where the only way you can get close to women is best
described as illegal-ish?
Well, never fear, this cutting edge instructional video has the answer.
Impress the ladies with magic.
As a professional magician for the past 16 years, I've seen firsthand the powerful effect
that magic can have on the opposite sex.
So what else can you make disappear?
Well, I'm waiting.
Judging by the look in that magician's eyes, his next trick will be to take that girl back
to his bachelor apartment and saw her in half.
But be careful, all you lonely, lonely men out there, for if you delve too deeply into
the dark arts, this could be you.
Magic missile.
Yep, still out of mana.
Here on Web Soup, we don't just cover web videos, sometimes we like to fire up the old
Commodore 64 to see what else the web has to offer.
This is Internet on the March.
Internet on the March.
Ever wish you could harness the vocal power of former Van Halen frontman?
Hey, thanks to David Lee Roth's soundboard, now you can.
By the way, I'm not making this up.
Someone isolated Diamond Dave's vocal tracks, and the results are perfect for use in everyday
life.
Let's test it out.
Would you like to make that a large Diet Coke for just a quarter more?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm terribly sorry.
There were no survivors.
Oh, God!
Mr. Hardwick, the tests have come back negative.
Ha!
Fantastic.
You know, it seems like whenever you think Keyboard Cat has overstayed his welcome, he
overstays it even more and charms his way back into your heart.
This time, the Keyboard Cat is on the cutting edge of video game technology, circa 1987.
All right, I'm going to call it, he has officially reached oversaturation levels.
I hereby banish Keyboard Cat from Web Soup, unless somehow he finds a way to team up with
a beloved soft rock duo.
You know, with Keyboard Cat tickling those ivories, that song takes on a much deeper
meaning.
Oh, I wonder if Oats and Keyboard Cat plan to wear the same colored shirt for the video
shoot.
Hey, Keyboard Cat, it's me, Oats.
What shirt are you going to wear?
Meow!
Me too!
Oh, Keyboard Cat, you truly do make my dreams come true.
Click!
We'll be right back.
Coming up on Web Soup, pour yourself a nice tall glass of what the hell, and later, nunchucks
and skateboards.
Two great tastes that taste great together.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
In this home, a family grows, children learn and play, bonds are built.
But before it was a house, it was a detailed drawing on a plan.
The bachelor degree program in construction management in the School of Drafting and Design
at ITT Technical Institute offers educational opportunities that can help students prepare
for challenging and rewarding careers in the construction industry.
There's a demand for individuals with knowledge and skills to manage construction projects.
The construction industry needs professionals who can oversee construction projects in accordance
with the plans and specifications.
This dream became a home.
There are still many more to be built.
ITT Technical Institute School of Drafting and Design, education for the future.
To find out more, call 1-800-372-4052 or visit us on the web.
Hello, I'm Chris Hardwick and welcome back to my television program entitled Web Soup
where we poke a stick in the internet and just see what gushes out.
Ah, imagery.
You know, most stores put all their dumbest products near the checkout line so the reptile
part of your brain is somehow tricked into buying them.
Well, it turns out the internet is like one giant checkout line.
Hello?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Now we've already introduced you to the Euro club, the golf club you can pee into.
So naturally now you're asking, but Chris, what else is new in the world of fluid receptacles?
I'm like, I hate that voice.
Anyway, I'm glad you asked.
Using the neti pot can be as routine as brushing your teeth.
It's easy.
Lean over the sink and tilt your head.
Gently place the spout into the upper nostril.
Keeping your mouth open, raise the handle of the neti pot so the solution enters the
upper nostril and flows out through the lower nostril.
When the pot is empty, force the exhale through both nostrils.
Re-fill your neti pot and repeat the procedure with the other nostril.
She just has a naturally inviting Vulcan-like warmth.
This is logical.
Yes, the neti pot.
If you can find a container that's better suited for pouring warm water through your
nostrils, you buy it.
Say, let's face it, if you want to work the door at a horrible, horrible nightclub, then
you're obviously going to need a goatee of some sort because are you on the list?
It doesn't carry any authority unless it's spoken through a neatly trimmed wreath of
coarse facial pubes.
And sure, not shaving part of your face is a lot of work, but it doesn't have to be.
Your goatee is much more than just facial hair.
Your goatee helps fashion your identity.
Our product was created for you.
Introducing the goatee saver.
Men everywhere are discovering how fast and easy the goatee saver makes grooming.
Here's what satisfied customers are saying.
It saves time without sacrificing my life.
Take the get-work out of goatee grooming.
Fastest day.
Fantastic.
Sorry, I just got lost in the groove.
I don't know.
I'm still on the fence about this whole goatee thing.
Do you have any other testimonials that might convince me?
I enjoy being mistaken for a Major League Baseball player.
Between the goatee and the ponytail, life doesn't know whether I'm coming or going.
Thanks, goatee saver.
If I had used the goatee saver, I would have had the confidence to run into that fire and
save those children.
Hey ladies, my eyes are up here.
Sold!
All right, gun store owner Don Davis is a jolly old fellow who may or may not be made
of frosting.
We're not sure.
And he has a simple goal in life, to help you blast daylight through those who've wronged
you.
And at competitive prices.
Hi folks, this is Don from Don's Guns, where the Second Amendment is live and well.
I'm standing in the rental department.
Want to shoot a.50 caliber Desert Eagle?
Want to shoot a Glock?
Want to shoot a high-powered rifle?
You can rent them.
They're $10 to rent.
That's all it is.
Come on in, rent the gun of your choice, because I don't want to make any money, folks.
I just love to rent guns.
Am I crazy or does he look like the Colonel Sanders of murder?
By the way, do you lose your deposit if you return the gun with blood and hair on it?
I don't know.
Do you lose it?
You might.
And by the way, that commercial may have faded out, but that laugh showed no signs of stopping.
Make sure you come right back to Web Soup, because I don't want to make any money, folks.
I just love to watch web videos.
What?
electronic wear resistors?
Seriously?
I use the one that offers an engine guarantee.
Yeah.
Only Valvoline guarantees your engine up to 300,000 miles.
Get Valvoline.
Get guaranteed.
What?
Giant peanut with sea salt.
Dude, you're freaking me out.
Glanters, now with pure sea salt.
It seems like prices just keep getting higher.
But at Vonage, we've always charged only $24.99 a month for unlimited local and long-distance
calling.
So even though the cable and phone companies have been busy raising their rates year after
year, we've been charging the same $24.99.
And there's never been a better time to sign up, because we're waiving all setup and equipment
fees.
Call 1-877-4-VONAGE today and hear how good $24.99 can sound.
What up, guys?
I'm Blair Herter with The Feed.
Halo 3 makes today's gaming news, topping Nielsen Media Research's post-E3 survey of
consumer interest.
PlayStation exclusive God of War 3 charted second place with Wii Sports Resort, Guitar
Hero 5, and Final Fantasy XIII rounding out the top five.
And in other news, NASA has found a place to crash.
The space agency has launched a two-piece unmanned vessel to see if the moon is holding
any water.
Now, while one component crashes to the lunar surface, another will actually fly through
the resultant dust plume, analyzing particles for evidence of delicious H2O.
You can follow the action in real time on the Earth device you call the Twin.
Well, that's it for today.
For more of the news you need to know, hit up the website.
I'm Blair Herter, and you know, you know, you've just been bit.
Have you ever had to spin any bad news?
Well, I've been in positions where I've had to share news that was less than positive.
So, let's say, for example, an article came out recently that said that your product could
potentially kill one billion people this century.
What could you do with that?
That's, what, 17% of the world's population?
I don't know.
It is.
Geico's been saving people money on car insurance for over 70 years.
And who doesn't want value for their dollar?
Been true since the day I made my first dollar.
Where is that dollar?
I got it out to show you.
Uh, was it rather old and wrinkly?
Yeah, you saw it?
Uh, fancy a crisp?
Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
The factory warranty on both these cars has expired.
So why does the woman on the right pay nothing while the guy on the left shells out thousands for the same repair?
Simple.
The woman on the right called AutoFix and picked a service plan to cover expensive repairs.
AutoFix links owners of cars, trucks, motorcycles, and other vehicles to the best budget-friendly vehicle service plans available.
Through AutoFix, you can choose the coverage, deductible, and payment plan that fits your budget.
Even get 0% financing.
People are keeping their cars longer, but you can help protect yourself against unexpected repair bills by calling AutoFix.
My service plan took care of everything and paid the repair shop directly.
I have an older car. My service plan paid 100% for my new transmission.
With AutoFix, you can get coverage which includes emergency towing, a rental car, even help with out-of-town hotel and food expenses, and you can pick the repair shop.
Call AutoFix right now and never worry about needing a lift again.
For a free no-obligation quote, call 1-800-576-6910.
Welcome back to WebSoup.
Say, do you want to be a filmmaker and yet lack the budget, resources, and talent to realize your dream?
Well that doesn't matter at all if you have $34 bucks in a camera.
You, too, can be an internet movie auteur.
Here comes Micro Budget Masterworks.
When you're making a low-budge horror movie, it is important to delegate responsibility
amongst other members of the crew, otherwise the quality of the finished product might
suffer.
Just ask Dave Wascovich, the writer, producer, director, cinematographer, sound designer,
editor, composer, costume designer, visual effects supervisor, and bit-part player of
a little gem called Suburban Sasquatch.
You really have to go all the way out there for a party.
Yeah, we gotta go out here for a party.
This is where all the good parties are.
But it's sort of more or less.
I mean, it just doesn't even seem worth it.
Well, the whole point is to get away from the city.
I know, but still, it's so far.
I really don't feel like going.
It barely even seems worth it anymore.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, it's just so far, and I just don't want to go.
Okay, that was like two people who don't really know English trying to keep up a conversation.
We are going to the party out here.
Why?
It is so far away.
Shut up.
It'll be a good party out here.
Out here, it is so far away.
Yes, it is exactly like the who's on first of our generation without the intentional
comedy.
Now, admittedly, you don't watch a movie called Suburban Sasquatch for the dialogue.
You watch it for the realistic portrayal of suburban life and, to a lesser degree, for
the sweet squash action.
Come on.
No.
Come on.
No.
You totally did the Danielson Crane in Sasquatch.
I don't remember Daniel at the end of Karate Kid drinking Johnny's leg blood.
They must have improved that part.
Nothing against the filmmakers of this opus, but their version of Sasquatch looks like
it should be waving at passing motorists during the opening of A Dairy Queen.
Come into the day queue.
That's what they call it.
You know, if cars never crash, NASCAR wouldn't be nearly as popular as it is.
That's why we like to bring you 20-car pile-ups in human form for our next segment, This Week
and Fail.
Oh, the font was all like, whoa, and the stamp was like, no, you don't.
Lord Phoenix 71 loves but a few things in this world.
His wife is home state of Texas, and of course, massive firearms.
No, settle down, Don.
I said settle.
I'll put you in a binding spell.
Oh my God, I did it.
I'm psychokinetic.
Anyway, when you mix all those three things together, you get My Wife Versus TheDesertEagle.com,
and it only contains one thing.
Aim low.
But wait, Lord Phoenix isn't done humiliating his wife with just one website, so be sure
to check out My Wife Versus A Bowl of Warm Water While Sleeping.com, My Wife Versus Being
Pants in a Baby Gap.com, and the inevitable My Wife Versus Me in a Divorce Court.com.
Up top.
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
When web super turns, we'll show you this adorable zone.
First, you'll have to endure this.
You're watching G4, next, back-to-back episodes of Cheaters, followed by back-to-back episodes
of Cops.
G4, TV that's plugged in.
Look at this.
One contradiction, eating another.
What do you mean?
You're scotch Korean.
You don't make a wee bit of sense, and neither does Starburst.
Starburst is a solid, yet juicy vodka liquid.
You're right.
Of course I'm right.
Look, there's another contradiction.
It's Timmy, the albino lifeguard.
Hey, Timmy, grab a Starburst.
Now it's easy to spot the good guys.
When you use a business with a new super guarantee, you'll get the job done right, or we'll step
in and make it right.
Look for it on superpages.com, the super guarantee, making the good guys easy to find.
Would you like to see our new menu?
There's something big happening at Pizza Hut.
Oh, nice.
Those things are so good.
Amazing.
Anybody can eat that whole thing by themselves.
I feel like I hit the lottery, too.
Now get big meals like our stuffed pizza rolls, Pizzamia, the Pizzone, and our personal panormous
pizza starting at just $5.
Here's your check.
Look at that.
Small price.
We just feasted $5.
The biggie, tiny price menu.
Now you're eating America's favorite pizza, Pizza Hut.
Precision handling.
High performance braking.
Smooth and comfortable ride.
In the road.
Hand-cooked tires.
We're going to speak to someone directly, say Agent A.
Got it.
The ridiculously long-lasting dumb.
One of those drives we buried.
Welcome back to Web Soup.
I'm Chris Hardwick.
I don't know.
Consider me your sherpa as we ascend the apex of hilarity and viral videos.
There's a trade-off, though.
If you die at some point on our journey, I get to eat you.
Stop.
All right, if the World Wide Web is like one big carnival, then this segment is the guy
who bites the heads off chickens, prepare yourself for things you can't unsee.
Let's check in with a gent called the Happy Cabby.
Now in this viral, Happy demonstrates a new exercise and it goes something like this.
He takes his shirt off and then you get six pack abs while trying to suppress your gag
reflex.
I'm the Happy Cabby, I've had a lot of requests for the f***ing dance.
You've just been watching So You Think Your T*** Can Dance.
Good God, his upper body looks like Admiral Ackbar, it's a trap!
Admiral Snackbar is more like it, up top!
Actually, I haven't seen breasts on an animal like that since.
Oh yeah, the suburban Sasquatch!
Oh, lovable leg ripping fun.
Now we turn that video over to the brave souls following AtWebSoup on Twitter and ask for
their snappiest lines.
And you evil bastards did not disappoint.
From AtVisarin, one man singlehandedly destroyed the suspender market for eternity.
From AtIncredibulk, that guy had more side boob than Lindsay Lohan.
I don't know what that means.
And lastly, from AtKillamike, there was another camera angle, but he ate it.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
Congratulations, you've all won!
The opportunity to brag about that one time when your joke was used on the TV.
Alright, my eyes are still burning from the Happy Cabby.
I think we need a palate cleanser.
Man, I wish my dog played with balloons, had his own theme song.
My dog sucks.
Well, the chip that G4 implanted in my brain is starting to throb, and that can only mean
one of two things.
Either I'm outside the perimeter and now my head is going to explode, or it is time for
the greatest web video ever this week.
Now I ask you, person, what red-blooded American male doesn't want to get rad with some nunchucks?
Well, I guess any of them who value their reproductive organs.
Boy, that's embarrassing, well at least he stayed on his feet.
Well that hurt, but at least he's got the support of his dear friends.
You know, actually, come to think of it, I don't think I've seen skating and nunchucks
combined so effectively since my favorite 80s TV action show, Skate Chucks.
You guys remember that show, right, about a guy who fought crime using a pair of nunchucks
and a skateboard?
Oh, you've got to remember, Skate Chucks and Skate Chucks!
Oh, Skate Chucks, everyone always says I look exactly like Cart Hanigan, weird.
Well that's it for our show, but for more Web Soup Insanity, follow us on Twitter, at
Web Soup.
Check out our featured video, send us your best line, and it might get used on the television
program you are now watching.
Well, we'll see you next week, and remember, don't stop laughing!