Hi, Joey. It's me, Lou.
How you doing, Lou?
I'm okay. Thanks for coming. I hate to be alone at funerals.
Yeah. It's always hard losing an old friend.
It's not that. I look so great in black, the widow always hits on me.
You know, am I asking how did Joey die?
When I was 105 degrees, I was running him around the court.
He dove for one of my drop shots and never got up.
Well, don't beat yourself up over it.
Over what?
Excuse me, I'd like to view the body sometime before the century is over.
Hey, I was Joey's best friend. I have a right to be here.
I'm his mother.
Mrs. Mackey, I'm sorry.
Lou Delarosa from the neighborhood. You remember me?
Little Louie, you lived across the street.
You ate my coogle. You killed my boy.
Oh, my God.
Mr. Delarosa, would you care to say a few words on behalf of your friend?
Sure. Thank you. Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a sad day for all of us.
Joey was my best friend. When I look over there and I see him resting in peace,
all I can think is, am I next?
This was very hard on me.
Joey was three years younger to me and in great shape,
which means I could die at any minute.
What will my life have meant? Who am I?
You're a murderer.
Yes.
I'm so scared, confusing, but I might be losing.
But I'm willing, and hoping for surprise.
Feeling so alive between the promise and the price.
I'd like to be living, feel the adrenaline.
The feeling is so good between the promise and the price.
I'm rather just willing between the promise and the promise in store.
Tonight, the mayors of Port Lincoln and Port Augusta
embroiled in a racism rally.
And our own Jason Gillespie gets the World Cup call-up.
When national news can be sure.
I like aeroplane jelly.
Aeroplane jelly for me.
I like it for dinner, I like it for tea.
A little each day is a good recipe.
This summer, you'll get 20% more aeroplane jelly at no extra cost.
Aeroplane jelly for me.
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The experts in the trade.
He made your dreams come true in Ghost.
Now Patrick Swayze uses three wishes to help one woman discover the power of love
and changes her world forever.
Patrick Swayze and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.
Three wishes.
Oh, hardly seems fair, does it?
No, hope they've had their wheat picks.
Sanitarium Wheat Picks for natural energy.
It's too hot.
Chapter one, life is difficult.
Great, what's chapter two, fire is hot?
Is this Coach Lou?
Yeah.
My mom told me about your friend.
I'm really sorry.
No use crying about spilt water over the bridge.
Things like this happen, you just move on to a different drum.
I know you're feeling really badly, so I made you a friendship bracelet.
You wear it and it'll remind you that even though you lost one friend, you have another one.
Now you and I are linked by friendship for the rest of our lives.
Please don't make me sing kumbaya.
I'm not going to let you pick a fight with me.
I'm not leaving here until you feel better.
You're 15 years old, what do you know about life?
I know plenty.
Oh yeah, where do you go for answers?
Well Monica usually gets the tests a day ahead of time.
Don't be a smart mouth.
Okay, you're right.
So maybe I don't know so much about life.
But what I do know is every morning I wake up, I look in the mirror and I'm glad to be alive and living here and alive.
Alive?
That's it.
Thanks for trying to help.
I wish you were better at it.
Now get out of here.
Alright.
Who am I?
What do I want?
What am I doing here?
Why didn't I spring for the bonding instead of these cheek caps?
Mom, I finally found something to give up for lunch.
Well honey, you already tried giving up chocolate and then videos and then my personal favorite, no shooting milk through your nose.
So what else is left?
I have decided to abstain from smacking Brian on the back of his head every time he says something stupid.
Brian never says anything stupid.
Don't even think of hitting your mother.
Mother, remember how you told me that I would never amount to anything sitting on my butt watching TV?
Well, I'm afraid that this little piece of paper proves you wrong.
Help determine the future of television. Be a part of a focus group to test a new TV show.
That's so cool. They want you? How?
I was at the mall and I was standing in front of the food court trying to decide hot dog on a stick or taco, hot dog on a stick or taco.
And somebody, somebody taps me on the shoulder and says television needs me.
Wow.
I obviously impressed them as someone whose fingers on the pulse of American sensibilities.
Honey, I don't want to take anything away from you, but you know they give those things to everybody.
They didn't give one to the blind guy.
I'll give up something else.
It's looking good, Mr. Mathers.
Yeah, the sheep really seem to love it.
I'm sorry you kids had to see that, but I want you to remember it's my job to make sure that no evil influences you foster kids.
And if I solve a few crimes along the way, so be it.
Don't be afraid because I would never ever let any harm come to any of you, even if I have to raise each and every one of you myself.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sabeeb, you spook.
Okay, now you've seen the show Forensic Cop Dad.
Now we are an independent testing service hired by the network and so you can be completely honest.
What did you think of the show?
I thought it was wonderful. It made me laugh and also made me think.
Okay. We're hit. I'm back.
Well, it sounds like you would all watch this show.
You've been quiet. What do you think?
I really don't have...
Now everyone's opinion here is vital. Now what did you honestly think?
Crap.
I beg your pardon?
That show is so unbelievable. I mean, Jerry Mathers...
Jerry Mathers is the beaver, you know?
Not an ex-con turned cop turned forensic specialist.
You know, he is what he is. He's nice.
And nobody related to each other like real people, you know?
I mean, you can't solve a problem like crack addiction by taking someone to SeaWorld.
So you would not watch Forensic Cop Dad?
I would not own a TV that would get the channel that it was on.
You feel that strongly about this?
Absolutely. I mean, we've always complained about how bad television is.
But we've always been helpless to change it.
I mean, sure, we wrote all those letters when they almost canceled designing women,
but then it got bad, so we wasted our time anyway.
Now's our chance to stop this dreck before it invades our homes.
I mean, if we don't, how will history judge us?
TV cannot get better until we demand better TV!
That's right.
Thank you. No, thank you.
Looks like we're going to have to do some retooling, maybe put the show on hold.
But this is my third pilot in three years. Three strikes and you're out.
I'm sorry, Jerry, but don't forget, you're part of TV history.
Don't patronize me. I want that boy's name.
Why?
I want to thank him.
I didn't think I'd ever say this, but Ma, could you please act like a Ma?
Lewis, you want to know what life is all about, what gives it meaning?
Let me tell you what works for me. Family.
Family, huh? Someone to carry on after I'm gone.
Thanks, Ma, that gives me something to think about.
Why won't that darn thing light?
You have to put the money in first, Ma.
It's a sad state of affairs when the Catholic Church won't even trust you.
Oh, well.
Hey, Brian, how'd the focus group go?
Oh, went extremely well, Mrs. Doolin. Brian was paid $40 and determined the future of a television show.
You were there, Owen?
No, Brian and I share this closeness that transcends physical space. Brian, that's hot.
Ow!
So, they listened to your opinions. I'm impressed.
Yes, and I even got to meet Jerry Mathers.
He was really nice, though. You know, he wanted to know all about me, where I live, what time I leave the house in the morning,
what foods I'm allergic to.
Wow, he sounds like a really sweet guy.
That's exactly why I can't buy him to some rough tough cop.
Huh, what cop? What were they thinking? Hey, baby, hey, Mom.
Oh, Mom, you gotta look at this. Coach Lou put these on every player's door this weekend.
Practice canceled, gone to watch a sunset.
I'm worried about him.
I'll admit, that didn't sound like Lou, but you know, honey, sometimes people go through changes in life,
and it's good because it gives them a chance to think.
And once they're done thinking, things pretty much go back to normal.
Hey, Lou, what are you doing here?
Doolin, I want you to have my baby.
People are saying organics is the best shampoo and conditioner they've ever used,
but it leaves their hair soft and easier to manage.
They say they can see their hair has body and shines with health from the roots up.
They even say it happens overnight.
How do we know this? Because they've told us.
Try organics. If you're not satisfied, we'll refund your money.
I think you're pretending
Well, my colleagues didn't think I was good enough, so they got rid of me.
Maybe if you put him back. Why not?
You must be pretending
The Sylvania Waters had one of these for breakfast. They would have been a far more rational family.
Are you and your friends flailing pretends?
The most efficient form of government in the world is a benevolent dictatorship.
That's fine as long as I get the job.
I think you're pretending
Everybody knows that one of the great disasters has been Medicare. It's a rape for the poor.
You are all pretending
That's part of the job. I mean, an alternative prime minister is expected to know it well.
I think I may have misled some of your listeners.
Pretenders get caught in the end
Authorised by Gary Gray for the Australian Labor Party Canberra
Alright, KFC, yeah!
One super family feast? Sure, that's ten pieces of chicken, two large chips, large coleslaw, large potato and gravy, four rolls and a strawberry cheesecake.
All for just $16.95. And for another $5 get five more pieces of chicken.
Five more pieces for $5?
Yeah, I like it like that.
KFC's $16.95 super family feast. And for another $5 get five more pieces of chicken.
$13.33!
We are the babies, we might be small, but when it comes to comfort, we know it all.
Say hello to BabyCo for great gift ideas. Safe and sound car seat $94.95, head snugglers $14.95, deluxe bouncer with canopy $49.95, jolly jumper exercises $45.95, path ring $16.95, rail rider change of $59.95, cot caddy $15.95, proper buy $15.95 and musical mobiles $32.95.
Say hello to BabyCo
You want me to have your baby?
Yeah, I want to do something meaningful. I want to leave something for posterity.
In the kitchen Lou, now.
Well I was hoping for some place a little more romantic.
So, where you in around?
I have no interest in carrying the demon seed.
For a bakery you pop out some pretty good buns.
Why not have my kid?
Because you already give me morning sickness.
Fine, be selfish. All I know is my best friend checked out too early and I'm not too sure what it's all about anymore. Sure I got the tennis academy, the caddy, T-bill's up the wazoo.
And you think having a family would make a difference?
Maybe.
Well, you know there's no guarantee of that Lou. Different people find fulfillment in different ways.
Well what is it for you?
I don't know. As my kid, sure, but it's also getting into bed late at night and knowing I'm happy with myself.
When you get into bed, what exactly are you wearing?
I give up. This is hopeless.
Many eastern philosophies teach us that the meaning of life is a search for meaning. It's not the destination, it's the journey. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
I was never really attached to the baby thing.
Mom, we can't let Coach Lou go through this alone. We've got to do something for him.
I'm always happy when people give me a party and lots of presents and I eat too much and mommy has to rub my tummy.
That's a great idea!
I'm not rubbing Lou's tummy.
No, no, no, no. Mom, we can have a party for Coach Lou. We can invite all his friends and show them how much people care.
Oh, that's so much trouble. Brian and I would be happy to plan it for you.
We can't really afford it.
Brian knows many ways to save money if someone would just listen to him once in a while.
I have the forty from the focus group.
Can we do it, Mom?
Please?
Oh, well, I guess it's the least I can do. It is the least I can do, isn't it?
Because if there's something less I can do, let me know.
Wait, did you hear that?
Brian, it was just the wind.
Wind like heck.
Oh, rats. This cap was supposed to go to the Smithsonian.
Oh, hee-haw.
Mom, I swear I'm being followed by the beaver.
Stop laughing, all right?
No, I don't know where he is.
He could be anywhere.
Oh, I don't know. He...
It's like he just appears to...
Oh, my...
It's Coach Lou.
Okay, great. Now, all the guests, into the kitchen. It's time to play This Is Your Life.
You're kidding, right?
There's liquor in there?
If it's Price Club liquor, I'm leaving.
Okay.
Hey, Lou, come on in. We're very glad you're here.
Oh, you get to have a seat in our special chair.
Yeah, what's going on?
I have planned something that's gonna make you feel better, but you have to be open-minded.
So, please be open-minded, because tonight, Lou De La Rosa, this is your life.
Wait a minute. This is your life?
You know, it's that old TV show where your friends make surprise appearances
and tell you how much they love you?
I hate that. You didn't do it. Tell me you didn't do it.
I'm afraid I did.
Wait. Here's the book.
Okay.
Coach Lou, you've touched many lives in many ways, perhaps none as deeply as our first guest,
your first student to ever win a major tennis tournament.
See if you can recognize this voice.
Hi, Lou. It's Vijay Amitra.
He wasn't supposed to say his name.
Hi, Lou.
Hi, Vijay.
You weren't supposed to say your name. Lou was supposed to guess.
Haven't you ever seen This Is Your Life?
Actually, I'm from India. We did have a show called This Is Your Past Life.
Yes. Thank you for being part of our festive evening,
even though you have no clue what we're trying to do here.
Is this on? Let's get this train wreck moving.
Let me guess. That's my mom's.
No, no, no, no, no. You have to say something to the guest of honor before you start eating.
Doesn't anyone know how this show goes?
Maybe we should stop this.
No, I am too far into it to quit now. Who's next?
It's my turn now, and I hope you've said your prayers because I have a score to settle.
Gee, that could be anybody.
I know that voice.
Hello, Brian.
See? I told you he was following me.
What are you doing in my living room, Mr. Mathers?
I'm just here to have a word with Brian, and then you can go on with your celebration.
Oh, and might I add, that's a lovely sweater you're wearing, Mrs. Doolin.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That's Eddie Haskell's bit.
Shut up, squirt.
You know, when you opened your mouth at that focus group, you not only destroyed a person,
you destroyed a dream, you destroyed a future, you destroyed me.
And I'm not going to let you get away with it, Brian. I'm going to take you down.
Oh, my God.
No, don't.
Hey, this is plastic. It's a prompt.
What's going on here?
Well, gee, mister, I didn't want to hurt anybody.
I just wanted to show Brian that I was a good enough actor,
that he'd believe that I was an ex-con who's now a cop and a forensics expert,
and I could raise foster kids.
I think you convinced him.
Tonight, what's safe and what's not?
Adelaide parents are worried about repeating the Samantha Riley mistake.
And in London, an ominous changing of the royal guard.
National news can be sure.
Brian?
Donna! Hey, Donna!
Thanks. You've got three wishes, Zender. Make it snappy.
I want to be rich, irresistible and really, really cool.
Tim! Tim, I'm back!
Hmm. Cool.
Cool change this summer. Keep your Arnett's Tim Tams in the fridge.
Oh, right, KFC.
One super family feast? Sure, that's ten pieces of chicken,
two large chips, large coleslaw, large potato and gravy,
four rolls and a strawberry cheesecake. All for just $16.95.
And for another $5, get five more pieces of chicken.
Mmm. Hardly seems fair, does it?
No. Hope they've had their wheat picks.
Sanitarium Wheat Picks for natural energy.
Kids love dreaming about the future.
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So by attending the Junior Cricket and Tennis Summer Clinics,
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And behind every champion, there is a champion team,
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a quest for talent continues, proudly sponsored by National Nine News.
Uh, Coach Lou, Angela asked me to come out here
to see if I could cheer you up.
So, are you cheering up yet?
I feel about the same as I was when you came out here ten seconds ago.
Men's and men's.
But you saved a person's life.
Yeah, but it was a plastic knife, and it was Brian.
Well, you didn't know that, and I think you're a hero.
Man, I've been scared.
I ain't scared of nothing.
Weren't you scared when your friend died?
Because I was scared when my goldfish died,
and he was swirling and swirling and swirling around the toilet.
And then he tried to flush three times.
Okay, okay, I was scared. I was scared.
Actually, I am scared.
I don't want to die.
Wow.
Coach Lou, if you stay on the path to find the meaning of life,
I hope it always leads you back to our front porch.
Thanks, kid.
That was a very courageous thing you did in there, Lou.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
I was just going on gut instinct.
I wasn't looking for meaning by asking everyone else.
I wasn't searching for answers from everyone.
But from now on, I don't listen to nobody but me.
You know what I say?
I say the meaning of life is not letting one moment go by
without living it to its fullest.
In fact...
I'm back.
See, Jerry, you can't make yourself feel better
by making other people feel bad.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But isn't it equally as bad that television executives
let the fate of everything we watch on TV
rest in the judgment of a bunch of guys they find at the mall?
Well, that still doesn't excuse what you did.
Yeah, you're right. It was pretty creepy.
I'm sorry, Brian.
That's okay. I don't mind fainting.
You know, I think if you really believe in your show,
you should see it through no matter what.
You know, Brian, your sister's pretty neat.
We're a girl.
Well, I've got a meeting at Fox. I've got to get going.
See you, Mrs. Doolin. See you, Jerry.
See you, Jerry. See you, Brian. See you, Angela.
See you, Jerry.