May 9, 2001, from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, the birthplace of
news.
This is The Daily Show with John Stewart, the most important television program ever.
What the hell?
Hey everybody!
Welcome to the show!
Okay, now, you know what?
Now it's just getting sarcastic.
They're really reaching.
Today's show is a fine one from Bon Jovi.
Richie Sambora is going to be here.
And let me just say this, I don't consider that band Bon Jovi anymore.
I call that band Sambora.
And I'll tell you why.
Bon Jovi?
Sambora's carrying them.
Next page.
Back in black, I'll be on tonight.
Mo Rocca's going to learn how to handle terror in the skies.
And on tonight's show, for the first time ever, I am going to start a celebrity feud.
It's going to start out as a sort of simple offhanded comment, probably picked up by a
tabloid and then ultimately will result in my embarrassed and quite frankly not sincere
apology.
So we're going to start a celebrity feud and I think I'm going to do it like this.
Ben Affleck, such a queer.
All right, but first, you know what, I actually, I think I may have actually just started one.
Sadly, probably send his boy Damon to kick my ass.
Bring it on, Boston bitch.
But first, headlines.
Now, enjoy that.
George W. Bush takes pride in the fact that his cabinet draws from a deep, deep well of
experience with veterans of the Reagan, Ford, Nixon, and of course, James K. Polk administrations.
But it was no surprise when president vice president Dick Cheney laid out an energy plan
from the past yesterday.
It calls for more nuclear power plants, greater domestic drilling for fossil fuels, and the
increased burning of coal.
It's a strategy the Bush administration hopes will eliminate Americans long-term energy
needs by in the long term eliminating Americans.
A big part of the administration's plan, nuclear power.
There've been no new nuclear power plants built in the United States since the Three
Mile Island disaster more than 20 years ago.
But the vice president told CNN's handsome John King, the time is right for another disaster.
We get 20% of our electricity today from nuclear power.
There's no reason why we can't increase that.
It is a safe technology and it doesn't emit any carbon dioxide at all.
No carbon dioxide from nuclear power.
So finally our grandchildren can breathe clean air through their gills.
Critics, critics, and there are some, warn of nuclear waste management issues.
But president, vice president Cheney has a plan.
Right now we've got waste piling up at reactors all over the country.
Eventually there ought to be a permanent repository.
The French do this very successfully and very safely in an environmentally sound, sane manner.
We need to be able to do the same thing.
Just what I was thinking, the French.
We could neutralize all our deadly nuclear waste if only we took more advice from a country
that doesn't pasteurize its cheese.
But ultimately, ultimately, it's all about the oil.
Today's modern technology that would let you, for example, drill a well here at the White
House, one well, and develop oil resources any place under the District of Columbia.
Ah.
Well, with more on his crazy oil plan, let's go to the White House and check in with senior
energy correspondent Vance DeGeneres.
Vance.
Hey.
Get your mind off that water can, you roughnecks.
Oh, hello, John.
Well, things here are going quite well indeed.
We've laid nearly a mile of pipe, no crude yet.
But in a little while, it'll be Texas tea time.
Pull up a chair.
Let me get this straight, Vance.
They're actually drilling for oil on the White House lawn.
Well, technically under it, but yes.
The administration practices what it preaches.
The drive for new energy is starting right here at the White House, where that useless
energy poor rose garden used to be.
Oh, and you'll be happy to know that the Lincoln bedroom is no longer a little hotel room for
wealthy donors.
Why is that, Vance?
Well, because it's now the coolant tank for the Blue Room's nuclear reactor.
Vance, it's sounding like this might not be so good for the local environment.
No, sirree, Mr. Timbertoes.
This has been a clean drill, but we did blow a sucker rod a little while ago, a little
water table contamination down by the T-ball field.
But that'll be fine just as long as no children ever go there ever again.
But hey, we're not like those idiots across the mall strip mining the Smithsonian.
That's no way to get coal from a museum.
Wildcat!
Wildcat!
Whoa, this is it, John.
Oh, baby, we have struck crude.
Wait.
Pulse alarm.
Septic tank.
Thank you, Vance.
Be careful down there.
That's a generous.
Very nice.
All the way in Washington.
I was tipped off that it might not be oil when it was green.
I don't know.
Several weeks ago, R.A.M.
guitarist Peter Buck was arrested for assaulting a flight crew en route to London.
That same week, a plane was forced to land when two sisters tried to open a cabin door
mid-flight.
Then there's the classic of the guy who went poopy on a drink cart.
All these are examples of an epidemic we call air rage.
But more importantly, it's an irresistible story for Mace Sweeps.
Mo Rocca's here to exploit it.
Mo?
Thank you, John.
Thank you.
There is a new terror in our skies.
Its name is air rage.
And on the front lines of this bloody battle at 35,000 feet is the flight attendant.
But is the flight attendant properly trained to handle this growing scourge?
I decided to see for myself by going undercover.
As an investigative reporter, I needed to blend in.
And as trainee Bo Rocca, I was careful not to blow my cover.
Because an airplane is a tinderbox of tension, air rage can erupt at any given moment.
So we as flight attendants were taught how to project a cool and confident demeanor.
You're going to pretend you have an imaginary string from your belly button to your chin.
And you're going to lift up.
And at the same time, you're going to pretend that you have a dime between your rear end.
And you're going to walk.
So I wanted to try it for us one time.
Excuse me, Bo, what do you have behind your pants?
Can you turn around?
Dime here.
Oh, you don't actually put the dime there.
You pretend.
We were put through our paces.
From a safety check to stowing overhead luggage.
As soon as we took off, I quickly realized that a cabin full of passengers is a powder
keg of potential air rage.
Where even the simplest of tasks can wreak havoc.
Beverage service.
Fastening a seat belt.
Excuse me, I don't have the...
Are you touching me?
Thank you.
Goodness.
Gently awakening a sleeping passenger during turbulence.
Even tidying up is fraught with peril.
And of course, the worst terror of all, the crying baby.
Hey, hey, no, no, no.
Oh, no, we don't put babies in the overheads.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right.
And then something truly extraordinary happened.
An actual case of full blown air rage.
And our camera was there to capture every terrifying moment.
Viewer discretion advised.
It's totally and totally, totally, totally absurd.
I do not see a Sky Mall catalog anywhere here.
There's no Sky Mall catalog.
I want to be free.
I have my cuff links.
Seriously, I want a foot massager.
I cannot believe that there's no Sky Mall catalog here.
What in the hell is going on?
Christ, I'm a cracker.
No, no, no.
Yes, flying can be a truly horrible experience.
But in the end, if there's one thing I learned, it's that in order to avert air rage, the
flight attendant must remain courteous and professional to the final moment.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Julie.
Okay, well, I think I'll keep it real quick.
Thank you, Mel.
We'll be right back after this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Yes!
I have a choice.
Yep!
Come on.
They're there.
Some action! You too can become a true hero with the unique training only the United States Army can provide.
Take action and watch Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in Stripes tomorrow at 730 only on Comedy Central.
This program is brought to you by Gatorade Energy Bar. What burns inside you?
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Yum. Yum. Alright, dude, I'll be right back.
Sure, take my seat. I got it. Whoa. Excuse me, is the seat taken?
Is the seat taken? Nope. It's not.
It's not.
Need a hug? All now for tickets to a live taping of The Daily Show.
And good luck with that hug.
Welcome back to the show as I fake like I'm making notes.
Instead of coming tonight, Mr. Lou Black, but first, I believe I have some other news.
Lawmaker of Italian descent asked Congress to condemn sopranos for stereotyping.
Congress responds, oh!
United States Representative Marge Rokkema, a New Jersey Republican, is madder than a Sicilian in a tub of grappa.
And she wants her fellow congresspeople to join her in condemning HBO's The Sopranos, which she feels stereotypes Italian Americans as mobsters.
Now don't confuse that with my campaign to condemn HBO's Arliss for blatant suckery.
Rokkema is asking lawmakers to sign a resolution she's drafting that will criticize entertainment that portrays Italian Americans as gangsters.
And she'll help create a new show about real Italian Americans with great jobs and families with no problems.
Its working title? The Most Boring Show Ever.
Rokkema brought her case to Chris Matthews on Hardball where she revealed she had never actually seen The Sopranos.
Well, I had heard enough about it. I had heard enough about it, known enough about it that quite frankly I'm boycotting it, quite frankly.
I'm sorry, you know what, I didn't watch that clip but I heard enough about it that quite frankly I can only assume she's a dumbass.
Acting.
According to a letter Rokkema is currently circulating on Capitol Hill, quote, the Sopranos are not a typical Italian American family.
Adding, they don't even pretend to acknowledge that Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day.
The congresswoman was born Marge Scaffati but her married name Rokkema is Dutch which spells bad news for Showtime's new original series, The Vander Heuvel Shoe Diaries.
That was other news.
Alright, every week things happen and we'll be the first to admit it but some of those things fall through the cracks, thank goodness.
Our good friend Lewis Black will catch those things for a segment we call, A Back in Black.
Woo!
Although the world's economy is just about as steady as a punch-drunk fighter, that's not stopping people from throwing their money away.
Like here in West Palm Beach, Florida, where an emu was on the loose and they spent the entire police department budget catching it.
What was the point? This is an emu, a wild animal. Let the emu run free.
You know, I'm not used to seeing Florida cops on TV without seeing a big shirtless faq- oh there he is.
Case solved. As for the emu, just tell your kids he's sleeping.
Oh man. Meanwhile, in Mexico City where the economy is based on the frijoles, they spared no expense celebrating Cinco de Mayo, their victory over France.
Die, French kneecaps, die!
Next year, this guy gets the tambourine.
Speaking of government waste, back in the US of A, the Veterans Administration is leading the fight to stop bad breath.
To hell with post-war stress syndrome. These guys figure it's halitosis that's been crippling our men in uniform.
And here's the weapon that works wonders. A tongue scraper?
Hey, Veterans Administration, where was my tongue scraper when I had to eat that rat in Da Nang?
Too little, too late, B.A. Too little, too late.
Anyway, if your tongue is white, there's bacteria present and that's what causes bad breath.
And if your tongue is pink, you're fine. And if your tongue is ribbed, call me. For God's sake, call me.
And finally, the early leader for the title of Moron of the Millennium is Dennis Tito.
He just got back from a $20 million trip to outer space and landed in the splendor that is Kazakhstan.
And what did Tito have to say for himself?
Great. Best. Best. Best of all.
The best of all what? Other outer spaces you've bitten to?
It was paradise. I just came back from paradise.
I guess paradise to billionaires is shitting your own spacesuit and pissing away your children's inheritance.
John?
Thank you very much. We'll be right back.
I run this place. Anybody else who runs this place, please raise your hand.
Good. Couple of things. I am not quitting and I'm not getting fired. At least not today and probably not tomorrow.
Let me add, Dana, that things that I say in my office stay in my office.
Natalie's my second-in-command. She's the only one I told. Jeremy's my boyfriend. He's the only one I told.
I told many, many people.
Sports Night. Every Thursday at 10. Only on Comedy Central.
Yum.
Beer frame.
Course light.
ID? There you go. ID?
I don't have, but you know, we...
No ID, no beer.
Who makes the best minivan?
Who makes the best minivan?
Obviously, the press has already decided.
Dodge Grand Caravan. The best minivan ever.
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Come see us soon. Crane Chevrolet, Route 46 East, Clifton, will be there.
Welcome back to the show.
Tonight's guest is in the middle of a sold-out world tour.
And on May 22nd, his band's first live recording, One Wild Night Live, is being released.
The current album, Crush, is in the record stores everywhere.
Please welcome our good friend Bon Jovi's Richie Shambora.
Nice to see you again.
Good to see you.
I have to tell you, because you've been on a few times.
Your lovely wife, Heather Lockley, was on the show.
I now consider myself officially a family friend.
You are.
Even though you won't give me your number or address, I consider myself...
You and I met when we were political hors d'oeuvres for the Clintons.
We were at the Clintons.
We were both political hors d'oeuvres for the Clintons, and I thought you were great.
It was the weirdest night. Here's what happened.
He's a really good guy.
I'm not.
Even off-camera. Even off-camera.
Here's what happened. There was a big dinner for the president,
and you and John Bon Jovi performed, and I was obviously cater-waitering.
Drink or dur.
I sat down next to you at one point, and I said, I'm such a fan.
And you were kind enough not to have me thrown out till after you had walked away.
Well, you know, I'm here tonight.
I'd like to invite you and your wife to Giant Stadium.
Are you serious?
Yeah, we got two sold out nights at Giant Stadium.
Do I have to do any sort of physical labor at this?
No.
It's not like you invite me there and they're like, okay, go lift that amp.
None of that.
None of that stuff.
Really?
None of that stuff.
And we get to...
But you know what you get backstage?
Free cheese.
Are you serious?
I thought rock stars...
Do you guys really eat cheese before the show?
I actually came here for the free cheese.
Great gifts backstage.
Right, yes.
You know, Comedy Central renowned for their big green room gifts.
That's what I came back for.
Don't keep that, by the way. We only have two.
We got to wash and reuse these, please.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is mine now.
Look how mine, if you look closely, it says ha underneath it.
It's the old...
No.
Now what is this, the live recording, where was this recorded?
Actually, it's kind of a chronological thing.
It's kind of cool because it's like a snapshot.
There's recordings from 85...
Oh, you're kidding me.
...till now in places like South Africa and Australia and all different places.
Our fans have been asking us to do this for a long, long time now.
You listen to them?
Yeah, we do.
Because if you listen to them, I'm surprised you're not over at their house naked right now,
because I'm sure that's the next request.
Heather would frown upon that.
She would frown.
You know, wives are like that.
They hate when I dance naked in people's houses.
I remember after my wedding, I said to the priest guy,
I go, so you want to go out later whoring around?
Did he refuse?
First of all, he goes, I'm a man of God and you're married.
And I'm like, all right, son of a bitch.
But are you enjoying... I mean, you guys tour relentlessly.
That's one of the things about the band that I think people appreciate is that
it's a great live band and you guys don't, you know, what's out.
I mean, you're out on the road and it's pretty relentless, but you still enjoy it.
We always come back.
You can definitely rely on us for a good album and a good live show.
Right.
Thank you.
Well, thank you very much.
All right.
Not to prop myself on the back, but...
You know, we're such a well-oiled machine now.
Right.
We've been out there for like 20 years.
But you get along, none of the crazy stuff anymore.
Everybody's sort of grown up and getting together and it's cool.
Recently, somebody asked me, you know, what's the difference between playing live before
and playing now?
And I went, I remember it.
Actually, yes, I can actually recall that there were people out there before.
Right.
It's a really good thing.
The charity is nice, instead of, oh, that guy's got a lizard on his shoulder.
No, he doesn't, Richie.
Yes, that's right, man.
Well, one Wild Night Live is going to be released on May 22nd.
We're always pleased to have you down here.
John, thank you.
Welcome to the show.
Please, Richie Sambora, let him hear it.
Keep it here for win Ben Stein's money, followed by The Man Show, next, only on Comedy Central.
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Grand Caravan, the minivan rated best by AAA.
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Awesome.
Giraffe.
Toss it through trail mix.
Giraffes don't eat trail mix.
Everyone loves Planner's Trail Mix.
All the good stuff you'd expect in surprising flavors you wouldn't.
I wonder if he'd do my hedges.
Planner's Trail Mix. Relax. Go nuts.
All across the country, people have places to go, things to do.
So they go Midas for total car care.
Needed alignment? We do that.
Air conditioning? We do that.
Brakes? We do that.
Oil changes? We do that.
Batteries too. Of course mufflers.
And we do all that with our certified technicians and our nationwide guarantee.
So for total car care, who does it all? Midas. We do that.
Everyone settle down. It's time we had the talk.
At Snapple, when young fruit ripen, they may want to combine with other fruit.
These urges are perfectly natural.
So experiment, explore, even play the field.
When fruit join together, it's a very special thing at Snapple.
Alright, we know May is going to be huge on Comedy Central.
We've got to come up with a big campaign. We've got to sell it.
Check this out. Lay it on me.
The Majet. Not just May. Not just a midget. The Majet.
Yo, I'm the Majet. May is going to be hot on Comedy Central.
We've got all new episodes of That's My Butch.
One of these days, Laura, I'm going to punch you in the face.
500 episodes of Win Ben Stein's Money.
Banzai. What does that even mean?
And it's Tim May Month on South Park. Timmy!
Libba-la, Libba-la, come on.
Man, this is so stupid.
We lost the Majet.
Dude, May is going to be hot. Smoking.
That is The Daily Show for Wednesday, May 9th, 2001.
Recapping our top story.
Bob, while you're at it, would you mind explaining that not every talking car is involved in high stakes crime fighting?
Join us tomorrow night at 11. We're going to find out where in the world Stephen Colbert is.
Now here it is, your moment of zen.
Well, I had heard enough about it. I had heard enough about it, known enough about it, that quite frankly, I'm boycotting it, quite frankly.
The Count says, hello.