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Find out why and join the lads Gary and Tony and the long-suffering girls Dorothy and Deborah in the hilarious latest series on two videos
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Gary, you can be quite, erm, what's the word, erm...
Enormous
No, erm, sensible
It's absolutely necessary, yeah
Last night you sat through the whole of Panorama, you've made an intelligent comment
It's because Tony hasn't been here
You know how much I like Tony
I'm off to sleep with him
Yeah, don't, Gary, please
We've been getting on so well, but you two just drag each other down
I know, I know
It's like you were kidnapped by some strange religious sect in your teens
The Blokies
You've gone from one bad influence to another all your life
First of all there was Clive, the one they call Dances With Trousers Down
Then Dermot
Did I tell you he's got a job at Euro Disney testing the rides?
See? Do you see?
And now, you've got a job at the
Do you see? And now, Tony
So, am I going to move in?
Yeah, all right then, go on
You won't have any regrets?
No
I wonder how Tony will take it
What?
Well, being told he's got to move out
Why would he have to move out?
Because I want us to live together like a normal couple having fun
Not like a couple who live with a crap busker
I don't think he'd survive on his own
Gary, he's a grown-up
He isn't a stocher releasing out into the wild
There are similarities, obviously
What will we do with his room?
Well, if you like, we can turn it into a shrine in his memory
Can we?
You could use it to do sewing in or whatever
Girl things
I think maybe a shrine
Forstias!
Guten Tag!
Bon Jovi!
Harry! It's your old flatmate Tony
Returned from several weeks on the road
Visiting some of Europe's fascinating capital cities
And out of the way places
Harry!
Harry!
Sofa!
Sofa!
Sofa!
Sofa, sofa, sofa!
Sofa, sofa, sofa!
Help yourself!
Freeze!!
Oh!
Frit, frit, frit, frit, frit, frit,
full of lager, a lager...
Grim things. Grim things.
Debz! Hi. Guess who?
No, try again. Now it starts with a T.
T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-Tony! Yeah!
Did you miss me?
I've thought of nothing else.
Oh. Hey, did you get me a postcard from Amsterdam?
Yeah. Nude woman's got in on tulips.
Hey, Debz, I've got a surprise for you.
I'll pop up later and show you.
Listen, I met some really brilliant bearded blokes.
Where do you stand on beards?
Tony, my life hasn't been going really well at the moment.
I'm not interested in beards.
Yeah, but do you like the maximum beardy look?
Or do you go for, like, the Noel Edmonds type face hair?
Or maybe something in between?
Huh.
Ah!
It's me!
Ah!
Debz! Debz!
Ah!
What the hell?
Oh!
So who are you?
Oh, no, it's a beard. Yeah.
Yeah, I got really hungry in Barcelona.
I had to swap me razor for a piece of ham.
Oh. Yeah. I tried to ruffle the woman in the shop with spare pants,
but she said they were only worth a tomato.
Oh. Yeah. Did you get me a postcard from there?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Top.
It's not often you see a naked woman all fighting, is it?
No. I think they're trying to phase that out.
Yeah.
So what was your favourite country?
What's that little one just outside Holland?
Belgium. Belgium, yeah, that was good.
Great chips.
How about Spain?
It's a bit long, you know, and a bit misshapen.
Generally, though.
Generally quite tasty and you get quite a lot for your money as well.
Italy, though, better chips down the back of our sofa, mate.
Sorry, but quite a lot of chips there.
Yeah.
What do you think? Mmm.
I've trimmed it down a bit for Deb, you know. Yeah.
But I'm not sure if she'd prefer a beard or a moustache.
You wouldn't do me a favour, would you?
I'll pop upstairs and find out if she'd prefer me with a beard or a moustache.
And a tash paper bag on your head, car parked on your face,
it's all the same to her.
So what do you have to do to get a present round here?
Oh, yeah. Hang on.
It's the art.
Oh.
I picked this up in a lager souvenir shop in Munich. Yeah?
It's a lager mitt.
It's a super-saving device, saves you having to grip the can.
Hey!
Oh, that's good.
Cheers, mate. Cheers.
Takes a bit of getting used to.
Listen, mate, what's happened to the fridge?
It's full of green stuff.
Oh, yeah, that was Dorothy's idea.
She thought it was time we experimented with keeping food in it.
So everything all right with you two? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Yeah. Fine, yeah. Nothing changed while I was away?
No. No.
I'm just going to go upstairs and ask Deborah about your beard.
Yeah. Right, mate.
It's a bit dark in here, isn't it?
Is it?
What are you trying to do, grate your own mushrooms?
No.
You're just not a pretty little thing like you.
Would you like me to snuggle up under your blanket?
Rather, I didn't snuggle, OK?
What do you want?
Well, I'd quite like to snuggle up under your blanket. No!
OK, erm...
I have a problem.
You've got a problem?
Have you lost your job?
Have you been let down or bored to death by your last four boyfriends?
Have you got excruciating period pains?
No.
Have you got an £800 visa bill you can't pay,
negative equity, a feeling of worthlessness and a permanent headache?
So, anyway, my problem...
LAUGHTER
You knocked about a bit when you were young, Deborah.
Oh, thanks.
No problem.
You've been around the block a few hundred times, chat-wise.
You're no stranger to the old boy meets girl, girl shags,
boys, sex wars, shenanigans.
What is your point?
Well, you know what it's like when you live with someone
of the opposite, you know, sexual grouping?
Yes.
What's it like?
Is this about Dorothy moving in with you?
Might be.
Well, it can be quite lovely.
Great.
There's good and bad points, obviously.
Good and bad points. That's a bit of a mixed bag.
But the biggest thing is you really get to know each other.
Mm.
Still, on the plus side...
You get to have sexual intercourse as and when you want to.
I'm sure you and Dorothy will be fine.
Yeah, we'll be all right, won't we?
Yeah.
So, how are you?
Oh, I'm having a whale of a time.
Excellent.
Oh, by the way, do you like moustaches?
I don't care.
OK.
Early asked.
SINGING
Pop! Pop!
That's fun. It's very European.
I'm not quite sure I've got all the lyrics right.
Not to worry.
This German guy taught me Klaus, you know,
the fingerprints.
I used to go to Storm when I was busking.
People used to come out of shops to listen.
I'll bet they did, mate.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, what country's got the sexiest birds in, eh?
Right, well, I reckon if you took a Swedish bird's buttocks...
Yeah.
..a German bird's breast... Oh.
..an Italian bird's face... Dude.
..and a Swiss bird's thighs... Oh, God.
You'd have something for even the most hardened gyroskeptic.
So did you get the opportunity to do much skiing down the old pink run, eh?
Do what, mate?
Sex! Sex?
Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course!
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, tell me then.
Well, I was busking in Germany
and this bird smiles at me
and she licks her lips all slow,
even though they don't need licking.
And she put a little phone number in me tin
and I'll frang her up later on and...
Oh, great.
So there was that one.
And, oh, yeah,
I was hitching down the French River area
and this bird...
this bird pulls up in an open-top sports car
and as we're driving along, she suggests she feels all hot.
Oh, I feel so hot!
So she starts to ease her skirt up.
So you didn't have sex with anyone then, did you?
No, no.
I had a bit of a language problem.
Klaus taught me the German for,
you have a lovely face, please may I buy you some coffee?
I found out a week later I've been saying,
don't come any closer or I'll fetch Mr Nobly.
Komm nicht näher,
sonst hole ich den Herr Norrige ab.
Bad luck, mate. Cheers, mate.
I've always liked the French.
What was that, then?
No, I don't mean liked, I mean hated.
Hated, yeah.
Hey, I'll tell you one thing about the French women, though.
Yeah. You know they don't shave under their arms?
Yeah. Well, I met this bird at a bar in Paris, right,
and the hair under her arms was so long,
she put it in a bun!
Oh, God, they'll eat anything, won't they?
Frogs, legs, stills!
No, no, mate, no, no.
A bun, you know, like women have on the top of their head.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, did you find out if Deb's preferred me with a moustache?
Er, yeah, she said yeah.
This is great, mate.
Me and you down here commenting intelligently on the issues of the day.
Deb's upstairs, all sexy.
Dorothy popping in now and again for chats.
LAUGHTER
Actually, she's moving in.
What? Sorry.
She's moving in.
But she'll want me to move out.
I've got nowhere to go.
I like it here, mate.
You can't release me into the community.
LAUGHTER
Don't do this to me, mate.
No, you're right.
I'll tell Dorothy I've changed my mind.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, mate.
Don't get me wrong, I really like Dorothy.
I know you slept with her, didn't you?
I'm sorry.
But what happens when you live with a woman?
Huh? She fill the place with cushions.
Cushions, yeah.
Yeah, she'll make you drink your beer out of a tumbler.
And they say things like,
if you're going to fart, will you please go and do it in the garden?
That's true.
Bottom line is, mate, that we're mates.
And we know how to have a good time.
Yeah, we do, don't we?
We do!
LAUGHTER
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
George, did you live with Marjorie before you married her?
No. To us, getting married was like going on a lovely picnic.
And as Marjorie pointed out, a picnic's never as nice
if you've nibbled the pork pie before you've spread your rug.
No, I can see that.
But what if you've already nibbled your pork pie many, many times?
In fact, you're a little bit tired of pork pie.
Why would you bother going on a bloody picnic at all?
No, I think you're thinking too much about this.
You should do things like me.
Sort of in a daze.
I'm just not sure if I'm ready to live with someone.
Can't be that bad. You already do.
Tony, he's a bloke.
What's the difference between a man and a woman?
Tell him, Anthea.
Well...
men tend to be more heavily built round the shoulders.
And they keep their small change in their trouser pockets.
And they jingle it occasionally.
Whereas women tend to keep theirs in a little purse.
Well, thank you, Anthea, for those insights.
Oh, I don't know. Dorothy and I have been getting on so well together,
why should we spoil it by her moving in with me?
Anyway, where would she sleep?
In my bedroom.
Oh, of course.
So, where would you sleep?
In the cupboard under the stairs. Go to your room, Anthea.
It's no good, George. I'm going to call her.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hello? Can I speak to Dorothy, please?
Yes, the scary one.
Well, where's she gone?
Right. Thanks.
I thought of one. Women tend to like cushions more than men, don't they?
And women like having their knees rubbed with a twig.
Or maybe that's just marjorie.
According to the hospital, Dorothy's taken the afternoon off
to move in with her boyfriend.
Dorothy's got a boyfriend? Me, George. Me.
Dorothy, what's the matter?
Dorothy!
Dorothy!
Tony! Hiya!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, well. We've missed you.
Yeah, I've been out. Going round Europe.
I know. Hey, which thing are the gear, eh?
Picked it up on me travels.
Lovely.
Did you keep the receipts?
No. It's been a big chance to wow Deborah.
When we close, I'm a new face here.
You don't think you stand a better chance doing it by phone?
No, good luck.
Tony, erm, it's a bit, er... lopsided.
Oh, no!
Er... Listen, Tony, while you were away,
Gary and I have been getting on really well. I...
Ta-da!
Me!
I'm back.
Deborah?
Mm...
Da-dee-da-dum...
Dee-dee-da-da-dee-dum...
Da-dee-dum...
So?
Yeah.
I've moved in.
Great.
I'm a parent, so I thought of moving straight away.
They're not too happy about it, then?
My mum said she'd prefer it if I was moving into a mobile home
with Hannibal Lecter.
Oh.
Suddenly feels like quite a big step.
You seem to have brought a country craft calendar into the flat.
Yeah, er, don't be frightened.
October's all about how to ferment your own wine
out of whatever's lying around in the fridge.
There should be lager in your case, obviously.
You've covered up Sharon.
Oh, well. Got me here now.
Yeah, of course.
Don't worry, she's still there.
Oh, you didn't seem to have any cushions, so I brought some.
Something wrong?
Er, got something to say.
What?
Nothing.
Erm, well, I thought Tony could stay here for a little while
until he sort of realises he's in the way.
Of course.
You know that could take some time.
No, it'd be fun, the three of us living here.
It'd be like in Butch Cassidy when they go to Bolivia on a trip.
That'll make you Robert Redford, then, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, good luck in the role.
Thanks.
So, what do people do when they live together?
Oh!
So, this Turkish sales rep and me are driving along
and we can't understand a word of each other's language.
So I start to do me cheese impression, you know,
using the international language of cheese.
I managed to make that last a good couple of hours.
Then I got me guitar out and decided to play a Macailey song.
And he had to stop the car suddenly and drop me off.
Yes.
I was lying on me back in this field in Bulgaria
and I had this really amazing dream
that when I came back, you'd really like me
and we'd be together forever.
And everything was going to be all right.
And I think the dream would have gone on longer
only I had this bad sausage in Romania.
And I woke up to find I'd been sick in me sleeping bag.
Still, these are the hazards of being on the road.
So, basically, nothing will change.
No.
Dorothy understands that we men are a force of nature.
Like the wind.
Or sleet.
So I'll just go on paying rent as before.
You haven't actually paid it yet, though, have you?
Not as such, no.
Now, I'm not a royal buff, as you know.
No, no, no.
Not a buff, no.
But you could, of course, argue
that Prince Charles and Lady Di's biggest mistake
was living together.
I mean, they might still be together now
if she'd just stayed over a few nights, you know.
Left a bottle of head and shoulders
and a spare sports bra around at the palace.
In a little plastic bag.
In a little plastic bag, exactly.
Yeah, and then when Prince Charles stayed at her place,
he'd have his own little plastic bag waiting for him
containing his spare royal toothbrush.
Yeah, and his spare royal contact lenses.
His royal contact lens fluid.
And a book in case he'd read both her dies.
Yeah.
He had the pick of the European princesses, didn't he?
The old thing of Luxembourg and Duda, wherever.
Yeah.
So, if you could make your own princess,
who would you go for?
Well, for the face, I think it'd have to be
Princess Caroline of Monaco.
And I'd give Di the shout on the flat tummy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And if you're talking arses...
Ha-ha-ha.
Lemme just...
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
didn't think that.
Ooh, ooh.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Plastic surgeons in Brazil are developing implants
that allow breasts to be pumped up or deflated
according to the mood of the Latino lady or her lucky lover.
HE LAUGHS
HE LAUGHS
I'd say you couldn't go far wrong with hugely inflated.
LAUGHTER
BURPS
Sorry.
BURPS
LAUGHTER
On Saturday morning, a woman lying in bed next to her boyfriend, Gary,
suddenly broke off a piece of her bedside table and stabbed him with it over and over again.
I said I was sorry.
As she was led away, Dorothy explained,
I don't fear prison. It'll be far more civilised than my current lifestyle.
LAUGHTER
Why'd you have to do that in bed, Gary?
It's what blokes do.
LAUGHTER
Why do you think women don't do it?
Lack of confidence.
LAUGHTER
No, it's because it's not very nice for the other person.
I think we're a little bit afraid of the human body there.
Gary, I'm a nurse.
I've seen and heard things emerge from the human body that would make you shudder with horror.
Well, there you go, then.
It's about respect.
I respect you.
Agely.
How would you feel if I farted in bed all the time?
I'd be absolutely delighted.
No, you wouldn't!
I'd be absolutely delighted!
No, you wouldn't!
You'd say I was being unfeminine!
But would I, though? Actually, would I?
It's not just the farting.
Since I moved in, you've been completely outrageous.
Thanks.
No, it's a bad thing.
Oh, a bad thing.
At least you used to make a tiny effort.
I'm not a job.
No wonder Deborah gets depressed living above men like you and Tony.
Men. It's always men, isn't it, getting it in the neck?
I'm a bloke, there's my neck, get it in there!
What is it that blokes do that's so bad?
Tell me one thing.
Well, you're always rummaging about in your underpants, adjusting yourselves.
It's complicated down there.
Things need freeing up.
You're always staring at women's chests.
You sit on the tube with your legs wide open,
like you're exhibiting some new species of giant plum.
We are!
You think road rage is a brilliant idea.
You go to football matches so you can shout out,
you're a total wanker to that little umpire blow.
Whenever you clear your throats, you make that awful sort of scratchy sound.
You think women are constantly fascinated by ironing.
You're always going,
W-he-hey!
Or what about you women?
You think the most important thing in the universe is chocolate.
You put on a skirt the size of four tea bags
and then you complain because blokes look at you.
You're always saying things like, oh, what lovely curtains.
You think you're oh-so-damn sensual
but woe betide any bloke who wants to have sexual intercourse
more than three times a week.
Oh, no!
You're always complaining that we can't find your clitorises,
yet you know about as much about our tackle
as you do about how to wire a plug.
You blame us when you have a period,
you blame us when you don't.
Fancy a bit of a...
No!
What?!
Well, accident?
No. Big tidal wave coming this way?
Pub.
The crown? What's happened?
Shall I slap you, Tony?
No. They're redecorating the crown.
Excuse me.
Where's Les?
What's he look like?
He's quite dribbly.
He's got a couple of gherkins on the go.
He looks a bit stained.
Why now, is he?
No, he's the landlord.
You are. Ken.
Ken!
Ken!
Ugh!
This is Ken.
What's happening, Ken? Exciting new interior.
What was wrong with the old one?
Well, the brewery did some market research
and classified it as a crap hole.
Who are you?
I'm Ken.
The new, erm...
Landlord?
Landlord. Yeah.
What's happened to Les? The brewery sacked him.
Why? He's a brilliant landlord.
He kept forgetting to open at lunchtimes.
Yeah, he did like his sleut.
Yeah, well, look, we're not happy.
We love Les.
No, we don't. No, we don't.
We feel sorry for him. Yeah, and I'll tell you something else, mate.
We're not setting one foot inside your place
until he's fully reinstated. Absolutely.
Yeah, at first, the brewery wanted to rename the pub
Mobiles for people who liked to use their mobile phones in public.
Then they were going to turn it into a shawaddy-waddy-themed pub
called, er, Shawaddy-waddies.
Then they thought about a darts-themed pub called, er, Tossers.
Yeah, could go with any of them.
Then the brewery decided to recreate the crown exactly as it was,
so I found an old black-and-white photograph
of the pub before the war.
What was it like? It was terrible, apparently.
Lots of people got killed.
What was the pub like?
Oh, it had that authentic pub atmosphere
that everyone now's looking for
as we approach the end of a millennium
and the beginning of a new millennium.
It'll have horse brasses
to maintain that authentic pub atmosphere.
Pink ones.
All right, well, thank you very much.
Obviously, we'll have to consider other premises in the area
and check out the facilities that they have to offer,
but we'll get back to you.
Come on, Tony.
Oh, it's like the end of an era, isn't it?
Yeah. Oh, Gary, look.
A towel from the Gents.
Oh.
I couldn't believe this.
Hi, Debs. Hello, Tony.
I brought you a present.
Has you been so depressed?
I feel a lot better now, thank you. Oh.
Well, I'll keep it, then.
I suppose it was a nice present.
They're all nice.
My presents to you.
Well, to be honest, I wasn't that thrilled
with the chocolate knickers.
Or the carrot you found
in the shape of a penguin.
Or the piece of wet bark.
I love this.
Here, go on.
You see? It's a condom machine.
I rescued it from the crown.
Oh, have you got one already?
I haven't, actually.
I just thought it was
something we could enjoy together, you know.
No, Tony.
You don't have to use it for Johnny's.
Gary's been putting bits of cheese in it.
Throw a couple of pounds in the slot,
twist the angle and hey presto, bit of cheese.
You get your money back.
I know, Tony.
Or you can use it for bite-sized mini-wheats.
Do you mind if I don't have any?
OK.
Oh, sorry.
So, what's been happening?
I've been getting into astrology, actually.
Oh, the moon's in your anus sort of thing, eh?
Well, don't go shopping on the 16th of the month
or you might get sucked to death by guinea pigs.
Real astrology is a strong basis
in scientific fact, actually.
Uh-huh.
What's your sun sign?
I'm a solero.
That's an ice cream, Tony.
OK, I'm a Leo.
I thought so.
Because your sign exactly fits your personality.
Actually, I'm a Capricorn.
Why did you just say you were a Leo?
Oh, which one would you rather be?
Roaring great lion with a golden mane
or a scabby little goat?
Anyway, guys don't believe in all that bollocks, do they?
Not unless they're trying to get off with a girl
who really thinks...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
If you try to get off with a girl who really thinks...
Real astrology, though.
Now, that I do believe in.
Astrology, tarot cards,
palm root, you name it, I believe in it.
You're just saying that?
Get out of here!
I've always got my head stuck in a book of astronomy.
Astrology.
Gary's always having a go at me, you know.
Always saying, come on, let's go bowling.
Let's go here, let's go there.
And I have to say, no way, mate, no.
I don't know if I've ever heard sentences in Pluto, or not.
Have you done your full natal chart, then?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's fascinating, isn't it?
You must show me yours.
You show me yours, I'll show you mine.
All right.
Right.
Brewery. Acceptable.
Access.
Small step. Could prove tricky on departure.
Proximity of takeaway facility.
For...
Average. Average.
There you are.
Come on!
Come on!
Hurry up, Harry, and have a...
Come on!
Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry!
Harry, how are you?
Harry...
Harry...
Oh, my God!
Harry! Harry, Harry, Harry!
Harry... Harry...
Harry, Harry, Harry!
Harry, Harry, Harry...
Harry, Harry 3ers...
Lifекаver, Harry!
LAUGHTER
You don't think it makes the room look too...
..toilety?
No. No.
Oh, happy days, eh? Stood at that, you rino?
Happy days.
Wonder how long we spent standing in front of them, eh, in the crown?
98 hours. I got Anthea to work it out at the office.
Oh. Busy day, then.
What's for Anthea?
Hey, I'll tell you a funny word.
Spankathon.
That's good, yeah, no. Carsey.
Oh, yeah. Carsey.
What did you used to call a toilet in your house?
Trevor.
Eh?
You know, this family thing, you know, we're going to go and see Trevor.
Where's our Tony? He's gone to see Trevor.
Have you seen our dad? Yeah, he's with Trev.
I mean, did you call it a toilet or a lavatory or what?
Trevor.
I'll tell you what.
And we called our shed Nicky and our garage Steve.
I'll tell you a word I hate.
Er, dangly.
Discharge.
No. Lou.
Lou.
It's one of those horrible girly words, isn't it, like, doobery?
Yeah.
Oops. Yeah.
Potty. Yeah.
Flip-flop.
Brighteningly girly.
And you've got your guys' words, of course, haven't you, like carburettor.
And, er, penalty shootout. Yeah.
So, how do you rate the snacking amenities in The Green Man?
Well, I tried to order a bag of dry roasted peanuts,
but I must have been pretty out of it because the barman came back
with some matches and a small bar of soap.
It's not the same, is it?
Anyway, though. Yeah, you did, didn't you?
Hello. Hello.
Oh, no, you're not still doing that chart.
It's only a pub.
Anyone would think you're choosing the venue for the next Olympic Games.
Let me tell you about pubs, Dorothy.
Oh, God.
The local pub is like a cathedral.
It's where blokes go to be with other blokes
and chat about the world as they see it over a pint.
So it's not really like a cathedral, then, is it?
All right. No, the local pub is like a library.
Now, you don't just settle on the first library, you see, do you?
No, you examine it coolly.
You see what booze it does.
You check that it smells right.
You get a feel for the bar snacks.
And then, and only then, do you emotionally commit to it.
So it's not really like a library, then, either, is it?
No, all right.
Pass the purple, Tony.
What's purple?
Purple is how long it took the bar staff to bring us two lagers,
a tequila and blackcurrant and a slim panetella.
Who was the quickest? Let's pretend I care.
The Duchess of Kent, but they incurred a ten-second penalty clause
for calling Tony... What was it?
Completely not a drunken bastard.
I suppose you'd never think of judging a pub on what really matters,
how comfortable the chairs are, how expensive the drinks are,
how clean the toilets are.
No. What do you judge it on, then?
Whether the barmaid will let you bury your head in her breast
at the end of the evening.
SHE SNIFFS
SHE COUGHS
SHE MUTTERS
SHE MUTTERS
SHE SQUEAKS
Bit of a squeaker there, mate. Yeah, man.
SHE COUGHS
Well, hey, look at the top bollocks on that.
You don't get many of them in a suitcase, do you?
For God's sake, it's a cartoon!
Yeah, still.
You're doing this deliberately. What?
Acting borishly, so I have to react and then I say something
and then you tell me I'm a nagging witch.
That's too complicated for me, love.
Complicated, yeah.
It's not just that. I have to do all the work round the flat.
I'm sorry, love, it's just that...
Well, you're better at it than we are.
You're just too damn good at it.
SHE MUTTERS
We're living together now, Gary.
I don't want you to treat me like your personal slave.
OK.
I want us to be like a proper couple.
All right.
I'm going down the pub.
I, erm...
I hesitate to ask, Tony, but, er, what's this one?
Athlete's foot lotion.
Lovely.
Get athlete's foot quite a lot.
Oh, nice.
Nasty little fungus.
Yes. Yes, it is, isn't it?
I quite like getting athlete's foot, though.
Why, Tony?
Well, it makes me feel wanted, you know?
This little fungus has chosen me, Tony, to live on.
Yes.
I guess that's nice. I can see that now.
You've got quite low self-esteem, haven't you, Tony?
Yes.
Oh. What's this?
It's my birth chart.
Oh, it's taken you ages.
Don't you have to calculate the exact position of the stars?
You can do it that way, yeah.
Or you can make it up.
Yeah. You see, Debs has got into astrology,
so I thought I'd, you know, exploit her.
Little bit cynical, maybe?
Do you mean?
Well, Debs is going through a career crisis,
so she's feeling a bit worthless.
She's a little bit vulnerable.
That's great, isn't it?
Tony, don't you think you should be helping Debra to feel more positive,
so that she realises she's a worthwhile person,
that she doesn't have to rely on astrological mumbo jumbo?
What?
It's just a crutch.
Yes, but it's a very nice crutch.
Anyway, I don't just think of Debs like that.
Astrology is a crutch.
Astrology, yeah.
Well, it's taken me ages.
Look, I've coloured it in and everything.
Well, I'll leave it to your conscience.
All right, see you later.
That'll be 96 of your earth pens, please.
A pint, please.
Oh, all the way at the top.
All right, yeah.
So, tell me, Ken, you did this place up
all from an old black and white photo, did you?
Yeah, down to the last detail.
Can I have a look at it?
Check out the bloke at the back with a weird hat.
You mean Tony balancing a plate of Scotch eggs on his head?
It was a less self-conscious age.
The tram was king.
People thought of nothing.
And that's me next to him.
Les took that at his free Nelson Mandela evening last summer
before we told him he'd already been free for five years.
Oh, still.
All right, well, that's enough chit-chat, Ken.
Just one or two questions.
Coffee?
Oh, no, thanks. No, I brought some lagers.
It's all right, though, I checked, and according to the coordinates,
Saturn's in conjunction with Pisces,
so it's all right to get pissed.
There you are.
Right, now...
I'm going to have to get a little bit of a look at this.
There you go. Right, now...
What star sign are you?
No, no, no, no, don't tell me. Let me think.
I'm getting it. I'm getting it.
You're a fire sign, aren't you?
Let me look at you.
You're a Sagittarius, aren't you?
Yes. Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, I knew it!
I knew it!
You've sent me a birthday card for the last three years.
Eh?
Right.
So, Ken, should we decide to become regular patrons?
Will you be offering flexible payment options?
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
OK, so, Ken, with all your options,
will you be offering flexible payment options?
No.
Bit of a disappointment, that, Ken.
Will you be stocking dairy-based snacks along the line of cheesy moments,
or do you favour a fish-based product, such as the Scampi Fry?
Don't know.
Will you be doing lock-ins?
Is that a fish-based product or a dairy-based snack?
Lock-ins, Ken. Afters.
Afters?
Afters.
Have you ever worked in a pub before?
Of course I have.
No, no, no, I haven't.
My brother's sleeping with the personnel manager at the brewery, Mrs Swift.
At that point, it was off, Ken. I'll be needing another one on the house.
Perfectly standard procedure.
Is it? Oh, yes. Oh, right.
I think this will make a very nice local.
Hello.
Oh, hi.
I'm a lady. She likes it on the rocks, but that's enough of our sexual problems.
Ha, ha, ha!
Dorothy, please fill this kettle with water when you have time.
Dorothy, before you sit down, please defrost the fridge.
Dorothy, please iron by Tuesday.
Do you want to make that Thursday?
Do you have any idea what it's like living with you, Gary?
It's like white-water rafting. It's a bit of a challenge, but ultimately satisfying.
No. Shall I show you? OK.
All right, mate.
Look at the gristle on that.
Oh!
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't kick his arse out of bed.
Come on, I think we'd better leave. Shut it!
HE BELCHES
Here. Line him up, mate.
Another pint for the little gentleman.
Of course, he won't be ready for it for another half an hour,
but still, that's enough of our sexual problems, eh?
HE LAUGHS
Oh!
HE BELCHES
Right. Listen here, you. I'm the new...
Er, landlord. Landlord? Yes.
And I must hereby issue you a verbal warning that...
Nice toger!
But you can't get many of those in a biscuit tin.
Right. You're out, Lord. What?
Both of you, you're out, Lord. You're barred! Sorry.
Get out! Get out!
Jupiter signifies my career, obviously.
So in opposition, that points to why I keep losing my job.
On the other hand, Venus, trying to Jupiter could indicate the opposite.
What do you think, Tony? So say you might now.
HE LAUGHS
Yes, OK. Right. Right.
See?
HE SIGHS
Well, I was born under a wandering star.
With the sun basically shining in my face.
Indications are that I am destined to have Congress with a Sagittarian lady.
If you look here, you can see...
A rabbit. You've doodled a rabbit.
No, no, that's a badger.
OK, it's a badger. What has a badger got to do with astrology?
Well, it's the sign of the badger.
Symbol of...thing.
Anyway, according to the planets,
I must lie down here now...
..and you must lie here in conjunction with me.
Or perhaps you should just leave.
Leave. That's probably the best plan.
I'm much better at palm reading, you know. No.
I'm Chinese here with a hedgehog. What about you? Get out!
I mean, I suppose there might be something in it.
We shouldn't just slag it off.
Nobody really knows, though, do they?
If you're honest.
Or are people swear by it?
They do, they do, they do.
How do we get on to Marmite?
I don't know.
Same about the old crown, eh?
Oh, God, yeah, I don't know what came over Dorothy.
I've never been barred from anywhere in my life.
Except the swimming pool. True, yeah, swimming pool.
I don't know.
And the video shop. Yeah, and the video shop.
And the Piccadilly line.
How do you get barred from the Piccadilly line?
Shoelaces, a bucket of sand, it's a long story.
If I had to predict the future, though, you know how I'd do it?
No, mate. For now.
No, I'd do it. No, mate.
Phrenology. Phrenology?
Phrenology. Phrenology?
Phrenology. Phrenology?
Phrenology.
Feeling the bumps on a person's head to predict the future.
Saw a program on it once, fascinating.
Does it work? Does it work?
God, no, how could it?
A load of rubbish, didn't it?
Of course, what you've got to ask yourself is,
do you want to predict the future,
stretching on and on...
Like the M6. Yeah.
Or stopping suddenly,
like that little road by the station in Yeovil.
MUSIC
She's got to tell Dominic, hasn't she?
But how?
Mmm.
Horrible.
Just think, your parents and your best friend killed in the same car.
She is such a good actress.
Mmm.
It's true, though, isn't it?
How we always want people to think that we're independent and resilient,
but we hate it when they don't realize that we're, you know,
falling apart.
I'm capable of putting my actions in place.
She's going to take that top off any minute.
It's coming off.
It's coming off.
Come on, come on, it's only a top.
Don't be shy, no-one's looking.
Ah.
Thank God BBC Two isn't scared to tackle thought-provoking drama.
Thought-provoking, thank goodness.
Mm-hm.
Have you noticed on telly you never see people just sitting there
hour after hour, like us, just watching telly?
No.
Or doing up their shoes.
When was the last time you saw someone on the telly really do their shoes up properly?
1987, Howard's Way.
Exactly.
And you never see people walking past a door handle or cupboard knob
and the handle or knob sort of gets caught in the trouser pocket
and pulls the person back.
You never see that, do you?
No, you don't, no.
And you never see people cough.
Oh, stop, please stop.
It's off.
Oh, it's off.
The top is off.
So was the women, isn't it?
Never the men.
You're a bloke.
Keep your pants on and slip under the sheets.
You're a bird.
Take all your clothes off and wander around naked for ten minutes.
No, I think he's going to do it as well.
Keep your pants on, son.
Oh, maintain your dignity.
See?
He's decided just to watch.
It's off the bottoms off. Her bottoms off.
Her bottoms off.
Incredible body.
Absolutely.
Magnificent breasts.
What?
She said...
nothing.
What?
Beauty.
Beauty.
Zen.
Magnificent breasts.
Well, she has.
Yeah, but you're a girl.
Gary, do you know the least attractive thing a man can do?
Keep using the word stiffy on a first date.
No.
Snigger.
Well, pardon me, I think you'd be a bit taken aback if me and Tony were watching the footy
and one of us turned to the other one and said,
Oh, I see the big number seven's got a magnificent bottom.
I don't think you're that very attractive, would you?
I think you've uncovered a major double standard there, mate.
Thanks, mate.
Well, maybe you should say he's got a magnificent bottom if he has got one.
Well, maybe I won't if it's all the same to you.
Oh, she's popped them back in.
I know they're out again.
Large lager, mate.
OK, mate.
In, erm...
A straight mug, mate.
Or, erm...
A neighbour's souvenir red cup.
Mug, mate.
A souvenir red cup.
Mug, mate.
Good day at work, mate.
As usual, George spent four hours talking about pencils
and Antia took the afternoon off to have her moat made of exorcised oresumics.
I've had a really exciting day, actually.
Oh, yeah? Not another minor commotion out the library?
I had an interview for the bar job down at the Crown with the new landlord.
Hey, and guess what I saw today, right?
I hear Deb's leaving a flat,
so I'm looking at her through the window with her nose pressed up against the glass.
Mining your own business.
Yeah, mining my own business.
And she comes out with this girlfriend.
Well, not the stocky redhead with the big knees.
No, no. A new, gorgeous one.
And they go to this bird's car, right?
And they both get in, and then they sort of...
give each other a little peck on the cheek...
and then drive off.
Have I missed something?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Deb's is going through a lesbian phase.
No!
Well, I could be wrong.
Oh, don't say that. I like the idea. Stick with it.
Well, just look at the evidence, right?
A, Deb's has been a lot happier recently.
B, she was going on last night about that woman's brilliant breasts.
And C...
You've overreached yourself with C.
I've been overreaching with C.
Lesbianism, hey!
I suppose being a lesbian's a bit like coming back from the shops
with an electric train set.
You get all excited and then you find out there's no plug.
Yeah, so you're just left there with a load of exposed wires
and an empty socket.
Which is great, absolutely.
But there's no substitute for a nice big plug, is there?
No.
With homosexuality, of course, it's a different ballgame.
There, you've got a plug for each train set.
Yeah.
No shortage of plugs there, right?
If I was a woman, I'd give lesbianism a shot, wouldn't you?
Oh, yeah, you'd try and stop me.
I'd be jumping into K.D. Lang's hot tub before you could say moist.
What exactly do lesbians do?
I don't know.
I suppose they just sort of...
rub each other.
Yeah.
It doesn't seem enough somehow, does it?
And one sort of lies on top of the other one and...
Get off again.
Get off again, yeah.
Fantastic. Brilliant.
So, have you worked in a pub before?
Yeah, I've worked here, actually.
What, here at this table?
No, in the whole pub.
Right.
Do you live locally?
Yeah, just across the road.
So, basically, you just have to cross the road to be here?
Yeah.
Do you want a flight with that?
Oh, sorry.
Just a flashback to my old job.
Oh.
Are you good with cash?
Very good, yes.
Are you good with customers?
Yes, very good.
What about drinks? Are you good at serving drinks?
Yes.
Cash, customers...
Well, you seem to be quite a good barman.
Would you like the job?
Yeah. Great.
Can I ask you some questions?
OK.
Me own questions.
Will there be a uniform?
I've always wanted a job with a uniform.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll be ordering that quite soon.
It'll have a gold piping, probably.
Where?
Oh, here, at the top of the arms and here.
Great.
Pockets, too. Substantial pockets.
Will we be working in shifts?
No, just a uniform.
Right. So when shall I start?
Well, there's no time like the present.
How about Tuesday?
What are your rules on smoking?
Well, I think they can do it if they do it quietly, don't you?
So what do you want to go and see, then?
Oh, you know me.
Anything with terrorists holding a building hostage.
One of your other favourites, lethal cop buddy car chase three.
What about you?
You're only interested if it was made in China,
or using a piece of string.
Or if everyone's called old sausage
and spends their old film wearing what they've got the wrong hat on.
What about that new one, red beans?
Red beans? What's that?
The story of some Chinese people who grow beans, is it?
Yes, actually.
It's all the same to you. I'll wait for red beans, too.
And the waiting continues.
Pop him, gong.
No.
Pop him. He deserves a popping.
He's waiting for that other car to move.
Beep.
What do you think it's there for?
It's there for emergencies and to alert stray sheep.
Oh, come.
Do you pee?
Um...
Yes, sorry.
Why? Why? Why?
Um... Harry?
Um... Harry?
I've got a crowbar in the back of my car.
I'm going to bring it over here and shove it through your winghole.
Don't you put it up when I'm talking to you!
Will you listen to me?
We could cut down Sunnyside...
I'm dead!
Don't look at me and don't speak to me either!
Lexington, which I believe...
I believe is now a one-way road.
Thanks, Gary.
I'm sorry, did you say something?
I'm...
Do you want to be a wimp?
What?
No, I said it's fine, fine. He's gone now.
Did you say wimp?
Yeah. Well, you do the popping and then you leave me to get it sorted out.
You should have told that bloke to get lost.
I'm a wimp.
OK, drive after him.
If you want me to go and beat him up, I'll go and beat him up.
OK.
Yes, I'm a guy, that's what we do.
God, you chicks, you're the first to complain if your bloke gets into a fight,
but apparently we're all wimps if we turn the other cheek.
It's OK.
He's gone.
I'm not a coward.
No-one said you were.
I was playing it cool, like Clint Eastwood in The Unforgiven.
Oh, yeah.
The way Dorothy described it, you're more like Bernard Breslau in Carry On Camping.
What?
I'm not knocking it, mate. I mean, we all lose our bottle sometimes, don't we?
I have not lost my bottle. I can show it to you. I've still got it.
Why is nobody looking me in the eyes?
I've been in fights.
I know, most of them with me.
I've been in fights with nosebleeds.
All right, Gary, whatever.
Anyway, I thought there was supposed to be sexual equality these days.
Oh, exactly.
See this, I can smash that into my forehead.
Don't be silly, Gary.
Watch this, this fork, I'll put it right through my hand.
I'm not afraid, I've done it before.
Not intentionally?
No, not intentionally, but...
Look, Gary, for the last time, you behaved in completely the correct way.
Absolutely, mate. There's no shame in what you did.
Or didn't, in this case.
See?
I'm off to buy some papers.
What? He never buys papers.
You've turned him against me. You brought dishonour upon me.
Dishonour?
I'm sorry, did we take a wrong turning last night and end up in Sicily?
Bloke!
Dishonour, we live by a very complicated code, you know.
We don't even know what the rules are ourselves.
Apart from the one about not drinking Malibu in pubs.
So, admit it, come on, you think I should have done more to protect you.
Mmm, OK, I suppose, yes.
What?
Well, all right, that's the way you want to play it.
It's not easy being a bloke in the 1990s, you know.
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
I've got a crowbar in the back of my car.
You old up mate, or I'll push your head so far down your neck
you won't be able to...
Well, it won't be nice, anyway. See those?
Ow!
Hello, is it like a book, someone?
No, it's not a gorilla, Graham.
Stripping social worker, very funny.
In fact, bloke, Graham, nice one.
Look, would you just listen?
I'd like to hire a large man.
I'll ignore that.
I'd like to hire a large man to threaten and abuse me in public.
And then I, in a scene reminiscent of Death Wish,
now I don't know if you saw that,
I step in and with immense bravery,
on second thoughts I'll change that to kitchen table in the 115 at Hay Dock Park
with a double-on-bandy mistress in the five wibbitz handicapped sports.
Thank you.
You all right?
Oh, come here.
Bit slow.
That's normal.
Yeah, it's the quarter past one lull.
It's a well-known catering phenomenon.
No-one's ever explained it.
Maybe we should entice people in.
What, you mean sort of standing at the door and going...
Yeah.
Or invite a celebrity to come and open the pub.
Yeah, I've got a mate who used to deliver milk to Simon Le Bon.
Yeah? What does he have?
Um, he used to have a pint of semi-skimmed milk,
and then it went up to two pints after I'd hit with all she wants.
Apparently now he has an extra weekly cut of his cheese.
So we get Simon Le Bon, then?
No, that's not...
No, I mean...
Oh, hi.
Hi, Gabs.
You working here now? Yeah.
Judy, this is Tony.
Hi, Judy. I'm Ken, or Kenneth.
I'm the new landlord. Hi, David.
I'm Ken, or Kenneth. I'm the new landlord.
Hi, Gabs. I'm Ken, or Kenneth.
I'm the new landlord.
Drinks?
Yes, please, Ken.
We'll do all sorts.
Have you tried beer?
Yes.
Well, I'll leave Tony to sort out the drinks, then.
Tony?
Hi, Ken. Is he all right?
Public house to Tony.
Oh, sorry.
I'll have an orange juice. I'll have half a lager.
Right.
So, how are you two lesbians?
Ladians.
Er, ladies.
Are you sleeping with Deborah?
Are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah
at the same time on whatever basis?
Yes, just for a few days.
What kind of things do you get up to?
You know, just running around together.
Naked?
Naked?
I'm sorry. I've got this disease.
It makes me say the wrong word.
What's it called?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I live underneath Deborah.
Oh, lucky you. Must be nice and warm.
Do you eat food?
Why?
I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out with me
one evening for a meal or something?
Not really.
Any particular reason?
Just a question of taste, I suppose.
OK. Your lifestyle choice.
That'll be £1.60.
Oh, no.
Has that mouse come back?
No.
Tony, if you're so obsessed, why don't you just go upstairs
and ask them if they're sleeping together?
I can't.
It's a private thing between the two of them.
You know this paranoia Gary's got?
Oh, what, the one about being on the tube in the rush hour
and people hanging onto his ears to stop him falling over?
No, no, about fighting, how he wants to prove himself all the time.
Oh.
Has he talked to you about it?
No.
What do you two talk about all the time?
I know it sounds silly, but...
Well, sometimes I get jealous of your little chats.
Well, it varies, you know.
I mean, last night we talked about how two days a year
they should open up the Channel Tunnel
and make it into a sort of massive bowling alley.
Then we talked about how great it must be
to have breasts, but what a responsibility.
It's quite a recurring theme, actually.
And then we talked about how on TV
they don't read the news standing up,
and if they did, would they wear special trousers?
You should join in one of our little chats one day, Dorothy.
Can I get back to you on that, Tony?
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I can hear panting.
Oh, no, that's me.
Why are you so interested?
Well, it's two women, isn't it?
It's a bit sexy, a bit different, and a bit sexy.
The idea that you might actually catch them at it,
naked, smothered in vegetable oil.
And I say, come on, Tony, come and join in.
We're not really, really definite.
We only have one question.
We're not really definite. We only like women.
And I'll pretend to be a bit nervous at first,
but eventually they'll manage to coax me onto the bed
amongst all the little bits of white underwear
they've discarded.
I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.
Obviously.
Will you help me down?
Yeah, sure.
Charlie! Oh!
Oh!
Oh.
Oh. Yeah.
You should have seen me on the tube today.
I sat opposite this really big bloke and stared him out.
Did you laugh? That's good.
You could smell the fear in that carriage.
Smell? Lovely.
Dorothy, I thought we might go for a drink down at the Crown tonight.
About eight.
Well, you can. There's something I want to watch on telly.
What?
Documentary about the NHS.
Well, we could tape it. I'd like to watch it too.
The old NHS, healthy shoes. Fascinating.
I don't really feel like the Crown tonight.
Yes, you do.
I'm working behind the bar tonight, Dorothy.
I might be able to slip your peanut.
Yeah, it'll be fun. I can tell you the new joke I've been working on.
And Ken said he might open a tin of cocktail sausages
and put them out in a bowl.
And after I've had a few drinks and can't speak properly,
we'll have a sing-song round the jukebox.
I think I'm just going to go to my room for a little cry.
Evening. Hi.
Can I help?
Yeah, I thought I could smell burning.
What sort of burning?
You know, sort of a burny smell of burntness.
Burnt things that are burnt.
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not us.
Shall I come in and check your rooms anyway?
No, it's fine. If you see any flames, I'll call you.
OK.
Ah!
What?
So, no burning then?
Yes, I'm on fire still, never mind.
Oh, brilliant.
Can I borrow some vegetable oil?
So, how's your friend, Judy, enjoying her steak?
Fine, I think.
Oh, we're out of vegetable oil.
So, she's not been too lonely, then, in the spare room?
Or is she sleeping in your bed?
I don't think that's any interest of yours, do you?
Oh, yeah, I am interested.
Hi. Hi.
Well, anything else you want to borrow?
Vinegar, half a banana?
Yeah, some elastoplast.
Well, I hope I didn't disturb you up here.
Why? What were you doing?
Well, your spare room is directly above my room,
and I was playing bongos till three in the morning.
That's all right. I was sleeping with Deb in her bed.
Why were you playing bongos till three?
Mongos.
What?
Can I just say that if you and Deb's are looking for a man
to join in your sex play,
I'm standing by to assist in any way.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, so, waiting by the bar,
wearing a black leather jacket and a red neckerchief.
And he's got a sign of his problem, so don't hit him in the nose.
OK.
How's Dad?
Anyway, I think I'd better be going.
Now Dorothy's dragging me down the pub.
Bye.
In your dreams.
Shall I sit here?
No, you'll be all right.
I'll get the drinks.
What have you been doing to your face?
Tearing elastoplast off it.
Lose yourself.
Ready.
What's up with you?
Nothing. What's up with you?
I said, what's up with you?
Listen, mate, I've just come in here
for a quiet conversation with me lovely girlfriend.
Quiet conversation?
With those ears?
Steady on, mate.
Where'd you get them?
A massive ear sail.
No, I'm serious, mate.
Lay off the ears, all right?
I thought you said you had a lovely girlfriend.
I'm your lovely girlfriend.
Oh!
Look, if you're going to fight,
can you, er...
Do it outside. Do it outside!
Gary. Dorothy, don't.
I'll do what I've got to do. Yes, I know.
I was just going to remind you to hit him.
Listen, mate,
when you insult my girlfriend,
you insult me.
What's that?
I don't know.
Oh!
Oh!
Yeah!
Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Oh!
Oh!
All right, all right, all right.
Show's over.
I think I've proved my point. Let's go, Dorothy. Shall we?
Ow!
Have you ever noticed on telly
people never go into a room,
forget why they're there, and so leave?
Shut up, mate.
Just going to take that T-shirt off any minute now.
Oh, it's coming off.
It's coming off.
Ow!
It's got a cardio.
At last,
Dominic gets his pants off.
That is gratuitous.
Disgusting!
Hey, just see the way I slid that chair back
with one swift move, aiming at the big guy's solar plexus.
Gary, we all think you're very brave,
but do we have to hear about your fight every eight minutes?
Yeah, but he's gone down, he's whimpering a bit,
little groans, you know, and then he's gone... Oh, shut up!
Oh, God!
So, Debs,
any plans to see Judy?
No, I expect so.
Yeah.
She mentioned that you were sleeping in the same bed.
Mm.
The heating wasn't working properly.
Oh, I see.
And you know us girls, we had so much to talk about.
Seemed like a good place to chat.
That's true.
And anyhow, how are we going to make love
if we're in separate beds?
Sorry?
What?
Debs!
You can take the chair!