What the, I just, you know, sometimes I just don't feel that she's telling me what's inside
her.
And to me it's like there's nothing I can, I can't understand why there's nothing I can
do.
Because you need, you know, for me to prove to him that I am faithful to him.
My relationship with my mother is one that I've, I think I've personally resolved in
myself that we as a couple have basically have no relationship with her.
I tend to talk about my feelings, I believe, pretty readily, but Gary tends to stuff her
feelings.
I don't know what, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I am, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I, I, I don't know how I can ever trust him again.
How, what am I supposed to, he said, oh sorry, sorry, that's right, I'm having an affair
and out the door.
What am I supposed to do with that?
The marriage problems that you have just been watching are real.
Some of them were enacted through a role play and yet others, the couples actually portrayed
themselves with the issues that they've been dealing with over the years.
The question is, I guess, what would you do or what would you say if you were confronted
with any of these situations?
Would you know how to respond?
Would you know how to guide the individuals or the couples?
My name is Norman Wright and I'm excited about this series.
One of the reasons being for the past 15 years one of the ways in which I've instructed
my students in the graduate school is to conduct live counseling in front of them because the
best way to learn is through actually watching it and that's what this series is about.
As we go through this you're going to see a number of actual live situations where the
couples are sharing and then I will be responding to them and hopefully when this series is
complete you will be able to have guidelines, principles, procedures, a direction to go
whether you're counseling a couple in a crisis or whether it's a long term, long standing
type of an issue.
There are a number of principles that are important for all of us to be aware of and
to follow if we're going to be involved in the process of counseling couples.
First of all, as a minister it's important for you to be really well equipped and trained
in order to minister to the couples that come to you simply because of the fact that so
many couples choose their minister over a professional counselor.
They do this for a variety of reasons.
They have trust in you, they have confidence, they want to be sure to hear guidance from
the word of God, they're looking for hope, they're looking for solutions that they are
unable to come up with and they're going to rely upon you and so any of us involved in
ministry have to become equipped and able to be discerning and have insight into their
issues.
A second concern that we have is that whether we're a professional counselor, a lay counselor
or a minister, we need to know what we are doing and why we're doing it.
Perhaps the question is when you ask a couple a question, what is the purpose, what is it
supposed to accomplish, when you offer a statement to them, is it going to give them hope and
encouragement and new insights?
Perhaps it would be good for you to become involved in what many students of counseling
have done in their training programs.
What I have done over the years is to have my students make tape recordings of their
counseling sessions and then we sit down and go over the sessions and listen to them together
and time and time again I ask the question, what is the purpose for your question?
It's a good question but do you know what it's trying to accomplish?
What is the purpose for your statement?
If you were to make some tape recordings and evaluate your sessions, I think you would
find yourself growing in your ability to minister to others.
And then on a more personal note, we need to ask ourselves what is there that's occurring
in our own marriage, if we're married, that could be impacting or affecting our counseling?
Too often for those in ministry there are issues that occur in their own marriage and
yet they go unattended to.
They're put on the shelf as it were and when you ignore a problem or issue in the marriage
it doesn't go away, it just grows and grows and grows and often the very issue that you
are struggling with is the very problem that people bring to your attention and they are
asking you, can you help me overcome this problem in my life?
When we're involved in the process of helping couples with their marriage, our task is to
help them discover how to bring about the changes that they are looking for rather than
telling them what to do.
When you tell somebody what to do, it could actually backfire on you when it doesn't work
and secondly we're keeping them dependent upon us.
In a sense we want to work ourselves out of a job so that they can go ahead and deal with
future issues that are going to come up in their life.
Another principle is that you and I need to know our own strengths and limitations.
Even though we might have been counseling for a number of years or we've had a lot of
training, we're not going to be able to minister to every person.
There are going to be certain couples that we're going to be able to help and there are
going to be certain couples that are just out of our realm of expertise and there's
nothing wrong with letting a person know that you know this is something that I've really
never had that much experience in and I have somebody else that I'd like to refer you to.
I know many ministers who have made it a policy that they will work with a married couple
from anywhere from say four to six sessions but if it's going to take longer than that
then they will make a referral.
And regardless of the counseling theory that you and I use, regardless of the set of principles
that we use, what is really most important is who you are as a person, your personal
qualities.
If you're an individual who can truly listen, if the empathy comes from within you, if you're
a transparent individual, if you can learn to think on your feet, those are the qualities
that will really make a difference as you interact with couples.
And then finally, you and I, whether we're a professional counselor or a minister, actually
function as a reservoir of information and resources.
Those couples want to be put in touch with certain books, certain resources, certain
tapes that are going to bring about a change in their life and often in the process of
counseling our task is to help them apply what they have been reading, what they've
been listening to and so it's important that you spend time devouring books, listening
to tapes, listening and looking at other resources so that when an issue is brought up you can
put that person or that couple into touch with something that is going to bring about
a change.
When an individual or a couple comes to you in a state of crisis, you're going to need
to respond to them in a much different way.
Let's go back and take another look at a person in crisis.
I don't know what I'm going to do, Pastor.
He went out on me.
George went out on me.
He's been having an affair.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
Only three years of marriage and we have a child.
What is going to happen to Andrew?
I'm sorry.
I'm shocked.
I'm really shocked because when we took our vows we met our vows.
Jerk.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was going to cry.
I really didn't because I'm strong.
I can be strong but how am I supposed to trust him now?
If an individual or couple comes to you in a state of crisis, they're probably in what
we call the impact phase which is the first phase of a crisis.
This usually lasts for about 24 to 36 hours and it's a time where it's best described
by a state of numbness, of disorientation, of confusion.
The person doesn't know which way to turn.
They don't have the ability to make any good decisions for themselves and they're really
wanting some help.
But if this phase has already lifted, they're now into what we call the withdrawal confusion
phase and this is a time when they're really experiencing the sharpness, the intensity
of their feelings and the feelings can range from depression, anger, rage, fear, anxiety
and this is a time where they are still confused but now they're struggling with this other
internal turmoil that is going on, namely the emotions.
It could be anything that triggers them off, even a violent quarrel.
It could be the discovery of an affair.
Sometimes couples will come in to see you in a crisis because their partner has just
said I want a separation or I want a divorce or it could be that one has discovered sexual
abuse going on right in their own home.
But no matter what the cause, the symptoms are still going to be the same.
When any person is in a state of crisis, they're really just out of balance.
They just have no equilibrium anymore and they're in a state of panic and what their
focus is, they want some relief to what this pain is that's going on in their life at this
time.
So when the person comes in and they're in crisis, there are basically 12 different steps
to follow as you minister to them.
The first one is listen and listening means that you're not thinking about what you're
going to say when they stop talking to you.
You're totally tuned in to them and you're listening to them not just with your ears
but with your eyes because over half of our communication with another individual is the
nonverbal.
The scripture calls us to be people who are listeners.
In James 1 19 in the Amplified Edition it says to be a ready listener.
In Proverbs 18 13 it says, he who answers a matter before he hears all the facts, to
him it is folly and shame.
One of the greatest gifts that you and I can ever give to another person is to just listen
to them and hear them out.
And even if you have a thought, a comment you want to make, especially when a person
is in a state of crisis, they need that gift of listening.
The next step to take is simply paraphrase back what you've heard them saying.
It's like you are summarizing what they have said to you and then you reflect back to them
what you heard them saying happen but also reflect how they felt about it.
Two very important items which lets them know that you are really aware and you're really
catching what is going on.
Now how does a person learn to paraphrase and to reflect back?
One of the books that we're recommending for this series is a book entitled Crisis
Counseling and there will be a bibliography in your packet so that you'll be able to read
about the books and have the actual name and the authors.
But in this book there is a section that gives you different phrases that you can use such
as your kind of feeling, your sort of feeling, as I get it you felt that, I'm picking up
that you, if I'm hearing you correctly what I hear you saying is.
So as you see it I somehow sense that you feel and I wonder if you're expressing a
concern that.
And as you read and heard those different statements perhaps you picked up the one
unifying characteristic of every phrase.
They're all tentative.
They're not absolute statements.
They give the individual the opportunity to say yes that's what I'm going through or
no that's not exactly it.
So how do you learn these?
Well in the book there are about 30 to 35 of those phrases and what I would encourage
you to do is to take that page of phrases and every morning and every evening for a
month read those statements out loud.
By the end of the month those statements will become part of your reservoir and when you're
ministering to a person all of a sudden you're going to be able to draw on those phrases
and just like myself at times I wonder where did that phrase come from?
Where did that statement come from?
And it's because I've taken the time to read those phrases or to read verbatims of actual
counseling statements.
Years ago when I went through Westmont College we had a chapel speaker that told us that
if you take one chapter out of the Word of God and you read it out loud for 30 days that
chapter will be yours for life.
And that chapel speaker was right.
I took them up on it and I found that to be true and it's the same way with these phrases
that you can make them a part of your life and you'll feel so much more comfortable as
you're ministering to the person in crisis.
As you talk with them help them to talk concretely about what is going on.
A person in crisis tends to ramble.
They go around the barn several different times and they go back and forth.
They mix the past, the present and the future together and you need to remember too that
this is a time when they are living on their emotions.
They are living on their feelings not what is really logical.
So you gently help them talk about it in a very specific concrete way.
And again just to emphasize the fact they will mix the past and the future and the present
together and so if you're listening you're going to have to jump around and track with
them.
Don't expect them to talk in a logical sequential way.
That's sort of expecting too much of them.
And one other thing to remember too is that they are going to go back and repeat what
they just told you maybe ten minutes before and then ten minutes later they're going to
go back and do it again.
That's normal.
It's natural.
And perhaps one of the ways that you can take the pressure off of yourself to want them
to just go moving forward, give the person permission to mix all these together.
Give them permission to ruminate, to repeat again and again and again because it's what
they're going to do and it's normal and if there's anything that you're going to need
to pray for at this time it's a tremendous amount of patience.
One of your goals at this time is to endeavor to ease the emotional pain of that moment.
You can't take all the pain away but some of it you can relieve and perhaps a couple
of the ways you can do this is to encourage the person, to show them that you believe
in them, to let them know that you're with them, to let them know that you're going to
be praying for them.
And also you can give them reassurances, not that the problem is going to be solved exactly
the way in which they want but you can give them the reassurance that you are going to
be there to walk with them during this.
Give them the reassurance that they're not going crazy.
Give them the reassurance that other people have gone through this same situation and
they have learned to survive the problems at this time.
And then as they talk, one of the things that you want to do is to get them to focus or
deal with the immediate issues.
Often they want to know, I wonder what's going to happen in the future.
I wonder if this is going to end up in a divorce or I wonder what this is going to occur.
And what you do is that you respect their concern and say, you know, I can understand
you wanting to know about that but that's something that we can deal with tomorrow or
the next day.
Let's talk about what we can resolve right now and that way we'll have something to
work on together.
It's really important too for you to get the person to generate as many possible solutions
as possible.
If you go ahead and say, this is what I want you to do, here's what you should do, it lowers
their self-esteem even more because they don't feel comfortable at this time.
They don't feel competent.
They don't feel as though they could go ahead and solve anything.
And so to make them dependent makes them feel worse.
If they don't come up with any possible solutions, offer several but get them involved in the
process of determining what it is that they are going to do.
Some people just look at you with a blank stare and say, I've tried, I just don't think
of anything.
So offer several but get them involved.
Dennis, how could Sharon say something to you that would let you know the significance
or the level of importance of what she wants to say so it would register?
If she approached me, if you approached me just real gently, if you looked at me eye
to eye, and just was real calm, and if you spoke just real slow and let me know that
there was something that was really important that was on your heart.
And not to be so in a rush.
And that has a tendency to get me feeling like I have to be in a rush.
And it's like there's so many other things that keeps us busy and just kind of on our
toes all the time to sit back but if you can come to me calmly, I think that has a tendency
to speak louder than saying, gee I've got to talk to you now or whenever there's something.
Is that workable for you Sharon?
So that's something that you could commit yourself to doing?
And you would be responding when Sharon does it that way?
Yeah I think so.
Take the problem that they are facing and break it down into small resolvable pieces.
A person in crisis tends to look at the global aspect of their problem, it's overwhelming
and that reinforces their sense of depression.
So break it into small steps and say, well let's take this part of it and see what we
can come up with and what we can resolve at this time.
After you've done that though, be sure you confront the obstacles because a person in
crisis is the one who is most likely to sabotage their best efforts.
They think of all possible problems and they get hooked into the problems and they forget
what it was that you and they had worked out together.
Sometimes I ask people, what do you think might be out there that could keep this from
happening now?
Or what do you think might occur that would sabotage what we have talked about?
And as you identify those and eliminate those, there's a greater possibility that they can
be successful in following through.
And then the two of you together identify the acceptable solutions to this problem and
then make a contract for action.
Get the person to commit to, yes this is what I am going to do and I will be doing this
and part of your contract is to continue to pray for them, but something that is vital.
Have them write down all that you've agreed upon or you write it down for them because
the person in crisis is an individual who will walk out of your office and forget what
you talked about because of their confused state.
So when they have it in writing, then they are going to be able to refer back to this.
One of the unfortunate types of crisis situations that you are going to be working with is the
individual who has discovered that their spouse is involved in an affair.
Fortunately today, there are two different resources that can be of tremendous assistance
to you and your ministry.
One of them is a book entitled Broken Promises.
This is a book that gives you as a pastor or a counselor the guidelines that you need
to follow in counseling either the person against whom the adultery has been committed
or the person involved in the affair.
But it will give you the step by step procedures that you are looking for and then for the
person who is suffering the aftermath of an affair and their partner has been the one
who has been unfaithful, the book Torn Asunder is one that will give them guidance, support
and assistance.
But I encourage you before you ever offer a book to someone, be sure that you have taken
the time to read it yourself so that you can converse with them, reinforce the principles
and be better able to minister to them.
In this next section of the video, we are actually going to be dealing with the heart
or the substance of the procedures of marriage counseling.
I would like to go through a number of specific techniques, questions and procedures with
you and as this is done from time to time, we are going to cut back to see some live
counseling sessions.
The couples were willing to come before the cameras and just open their hearts with the
issues that are troubling them and we are going to be able to use this to help you learn
more about marriage counseling.
I guess the first thing that I would like to say is that in marriage counseling or any
kind of counseling, just keep it simple.
So much of counseling is calling people back to using some basic common sense.
Sometimes they come in and maybe they have read recovery books or they have listened
to talk programs and they start throwing around different terms, different labels.
I have had couples come in and say, well, we are a very dysfunctional couple or one
look at the other and say, well, I am a codependent or one say, you know, my spouse abuses me
and it is so important to have them define what they are saying.
I have asked questions like, well, what do you mean by abuse or could you give me your
definition of dysfunctional?
How is this codependency as you call it manifested?
What actually do you mean by this?
Keep it simple and keep it on track.
Something else that is really important is to take charge of your time.
The counseling office, the counseling session, you are the one who is in charge of that and
over the years I have had so many different pastors complain to me and say, Norm, I was
counseling this person or this couple and we went on for two hours or three hours.
I did not know how to close the session.
If you have a set amount of time, people will really adhere to that.
I have used 45 minutes for sessions.
I have used an hour for sessions.
But if people know we have a starting time, we have a stopping time, they will keep to
it.
And if you are one who uses 45 minutes and let us say somebody is supposed to come and
see you at 2 o'clock in the afternoon and they show up at 2.20.
Don't hesitate to close the session at 2.45.
If you don't, you are going to be interfering with someone else.
You could get your own schedule off track.
But what is really important is that this couple could have this as a pattern of their
life where they are invariably and constantly late.
They interfere with everybody else's schedule and everyone lets them get away with it.
If you let them know that we have a certain amount of time and you stick to it, they will
respond to your structure as well.
Since we are talking about marriage counseling, the ideal is to work with both individuals.
The problem is many times there is only one person that will come to see you.
And in 80% of the cases, that one person will be the wife.
Women are much more open to confronting problems and issues.
They would like to see change occur.
They want to do something about it.
Unfortunately, men have a tendency not to want to admit that there is a problem.
It is sort of an admission that here is something in my life that is out of control.
If you are working with just one person, whether it be the wife or the husband, keep in mind
that they are presenting their side, their perspective to you.
And they are probably going to indicate that they are more of the, I guess I would call
it the innocent party, than the perpetrator.
And you are going to have to check and recheck their story again and again to make sure you
get a measure of objectivity within this.
You want to ask them the question, if your partner were here today, how would they describe
this situation for me?
Any variation of that can help.
But your goal is really to get both of them in.
And there are three ways that you could try to get the resistant person in.
One is to just write them a letter and ask them to come.
Or you could make a phone call to them.
And in the phone call you could say, I have had the opportunity to talk to your partner
and I would really like the opportunity to talk to you so that I could hear your perspective.
When will it be possible for us to get together?
You don't ask them, would you like to come in and talk to me?
Because the answer is probably going to be no.
But if you say, when would it be possible, you're assuming that we are going to be meeting
together.
Now, both of those techniques I rarely use because over the years I've used the Taylor
Johnson temperament analysis in my counseling with everyone that I see.
And even if I'm working with one person, I will send home to the resistant party two
copies of the test and I will ask them to please take it as they perceive themselves
and also take it on the person that I'm working with because I really need their perception.
And this is a test which gives us a very readable and helpful profile.
And what will happen with that resistant person who takes the test is that in time they will
want to know, well, how did that come out?
What did it show?
And the only way that I can ever share the results is in person.
Never over the phone, never in writing because there's too much chance of distortion.
And so when they come in to see the results of how they took the test as they saw their
partner, once they're there, most of the time they will stay and eventually we can bring
both parties together for their marital counseling.
Jim, let me go ahead and just give you your score the way it came out.
It came out at 45.
So it's somewhere there in the middle.
And I work with a lot of people who have scores down at 10 or 15.
So even though this is in the middle, it's something that could be elevated some.
But I would imagine that any kind of feelings that you have of compassion or concern or
empathy are going to be expressed because of your strong expressive score.
In fact, you have just an excellent expressive responsive score, especially for a man because
many men are coming out in the white area on that trait.
But yours is really, really tough.
So if you can really develop more of the feelings of concern for others and if you see others
hurting, the kind feelings to verbalize those, it's really going to cement relationships
together.
And I think that's something that Gary especially needs.
Gary, where do you feel that your own score would come out?
Having mixed feelings about it.
That's okay.
Take your time.
Well, because I feel like I probably look more sympathetic than I am.
I don't know.
I would put myself around maybe 40.
Well, it's interesting.
You mentioned you came out of a dysfunctional background and people who come from that background
many times have difficulty identifying their feelings, sharing their feelings, even having
the feelings there.
And yet your score comes out at 75.
And you've got a very, very strong positive score here.
So there's a real strength within you.
Confidentiality is an important issue.
In most states, ministers have what we call privileged communication or confidentiality
and it's vital that you find out what the laws are in your state.
When any person or couple comes in, they want to know that what they're going to share with
you is going to stay with you.
They don't want it used as an illustration in a message.
They don't want it shared with anyone else, especially in the church board meeting.
They want to know that you can be trusted.
Let them know about the limits of confidentiality.
We do know, for example, if there's child abuse or suicidal intent, those are items
that do need to be reported.
Whenever you're working with a person or a couple, have them become involved in homework.
Homework just accelerates the whole process of counseling.
Homework moves the couple along and it's also an indication that that couple is really willing
to change.
If you're working with somebody and the only time they really focus on their issues is
in your office, this can go on for months and months and months.
Even though I'm in private practice, I want the people that I work with to be doing some
homework on the outside.
Many ministers have shared with me that they are willing to counsel anyone as long as they
will follow through with two procedures.
One is to complete the homework and secondly, to attend one of the worship services each
week.
You really care for R.J. and have strong feelings for him.
Yes, I do.
I'm wondering if you could write him a love letter just sharing how you feel, what he
means to you.
Give him the letter.
From this point on, when you feel the need of reassurance, I'd like you to go to the
letter and read it so that it will take some pressure off of Rosie and you'll be getting
what you would have gotten anyway, but this way it's perhaps much healthier.
Does that sound like something that will work?
Sure, yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
There are many resources that you can use with homework and this is why you really do
need to be a reservoir of information, a reservoir of insights.
Some of the resources that you could use would be, one is a book called Holding On to Romance.
In this book, it deals specifically with the area of building the intimacy and the romance
in a couple's marriage as well as hitting some of the issues of how to speak your spouse's
language and dealing with the whole area of resentment and forgiveness.
Another resource which is important is a book that helps a couple grow in their spiritual
relationship in the quiet times for couples.
It will give them the structure that they need to focus together on God's Word and
hopefully eventually learn to pray together.
For years, I have used the tape series by Dr. Ed Wheat entitled Love Life for Couples.
I will have the couple listen to it together.
I will have them listen to it separately and of any resource that I have used, this tape
series has done more for couples.
I have been amazed at some of the things that I have seen.
People will come in and say, you know, I don't feel as though that I love my partner anymore
and I don't think that that love can be activated.
I don't argue with them.
I don't disagree with them.
I ask them to listen to the tapes and so often they come back in and they say, well, Dr.
Wheat said it is possible to love my partner.
I guess I better learn how.
Not too long ago, I worked with a very troubled couple with a lot of animosity, a lot of anger,
a lot of resentment toward one another and I was amazed at how their whole perspective
changed in one week's time simply because of listening to this series of tapes.
You probably have resources that you have used over the years that have been of benefit,
but I would encourage you to look around to see what could help that couple and cause
them to grow and let them do most of the work on the outside and you spend your time helping
them apply what they have read or what they have listened to during the week.
I guess one of the most important principles of any kind of counseling and a principle
that certainly is not usually taught in classes is how to connect with that couple and how
to really relate to them and gain rapport and that is done through learning to speak
their language and relating to them according to their personality.
This sounds a little different and yet it is simple and it can be a very enjoyable part
of the process of counseling.
One of the first things that I do when I meet with an individual or a couple is to really
reflect on who they are, their style of talking, what their personality is like.
For example, I know that if I am working with one person who is more of an extrovert that
they are going to talk very freely and I don't need to take as gospel everything they are
saying out loud because an extrovert person brainstorms out loud and they talk about it
and they formulate their answer as they are talking.
But if I sense that one of them is more of an introvert then the way in which I approach
them is going to be different because I will make statements like, well here is something
that I would like you to think about for a minute and then let's talk about it together.
If a person is an introvert and I were to say, look I need to know an answer right now,
tell me what is going on, I have just done a short circuit for their mind because you
can't put pressure on an introvert.
They are more of a private person.
They think internally then they are going to go ahead and formulate the response.
If Sharon comes to you and says, I need to talk to you right now, I need an answer right
now, do you tend to sort of shut down in terms of your thinking?
In other words, does it work better if she were to say, here is something I would like
you to think about for a while and then could we talk about it?
Which works for you?
I think she can come to me and ask me that she needs to talk right now and yet those
times I get kind of the feeling like, okay I have got to make a decision kind of on the
spot right now and that kind of pressure, it places kind of the idea that gee I might
not make the right decision and that is pressure in itself and then to wonder how that is going
to affect us as a family and for me having as much time as possible is better that I
can give it more thought and take it to the Lord.
So you do respond better if you don't have pressure, you have sufficient time to think
it through, then you are more willing to respond?
Yeah I think so, it gets back to being in a rush, there seems to always be things that
encompass our lives that we have got to be somewhere here, we have got to make a phone
call here, we have got to do this, we have got to do that and so often priorities can
be pushed aside and not that they go away and never come back and the time that they
do come back it is almost too late and then we have to make a decision and it is like
okay.
There is more pressure.
Right.
Are you familiar with the terms extrovert and introvert?
Yes.
How would you classify yourself Dennis?
Introvert.
An introvert?
Yeah.
I was wondering and I was catching that, the best way to ever approach anyone who is an
introvert and there is nothing wrong with being either an introvert or an extrovert
because that is in a sense the way that God created us but the best way to approach a
person like that is to go to them and say here is something I would like you to think
about and when you have had a chance let's talk about it because an introvert is a person
who has to think it through inside of their head first then they will give an answer.
Us extroverts we think out loud and somebody asks us a question we open our mouth and we
are formulating it in the presence of everybody else and that is how we get our answer and
so understanding the personality differences between the two of you I think would go a
long way towards greater understanding and greater communication and eventually learning
to speak one another's language.
So often in counseling we will have one person who is an amplifier who gives a lot of rich
detailed information and their partner is a condenser their very bottom line right to
the point and maybe they give one line and I have found as I relate to them if I am talking
to the condenser I will condense but if I am talking to the amplifier I will go ahead
and amplify and both of them are very comfortable in talking with me because basically I am
speaking their language and at some time then in the counseling session I will go ahead
and illustrate what I have been doing and teach them how to speak one another's language.
I could probably guesstimate that in almost all my cases of marriage counseling and premarital
counseling I end up talking with the couple on this very issue of how to speak one another's
language.
It just seems when I get a phone call when there is a phone call when I talk to somebody
that I kind of paraphrase it down to the important things the phone call may have taken 5-10 minutes
but it can basically be summarized.
A one line news summary.
30 seconds to a minute at most and I almost feel like I am asked for a word for word you
said hello well what did they say and back and forth and those things don't seem that
important as to.
Ah ok there is the key and this is something that probably 75% of couples in our country
experience what the two of you are experiencing right now.
Even though it is not important to us one of the ways in which we can demonstrate love
to our wife is to remember that this is significant and important to her and so I am going to
learn over a period of time to remember these little insignificant details as I call them
and make sure that I share these with Lynnae.
Now there is other factors that come into this as well.
You know some people are more visually oriented individuals they like to take things into
their eyes they see things in a different way and I am able to learn about this in talking
with them by the terminology they use.
Some of them will say well Norm do you see what I am talking about or do you get the
whole picture or is it clear to you and when I hear those visual words it tells me aha
here is a visual person and I will change my terminology to match theirs because people
are basically comfortable talking with others who speak the same language.
If the individual is saying Norm do you hear what I am saying or how does this sound to
you is that clear?
I am talking to a person who is more auditory and so I will use that terminology.
You get a lot of people though who are more feeling oriented they are what we call kinesthetic
and they say you know this sort of feels right to me or I sort of sense that my husband does
not like this and once again I will need to shift because when I am able to speak their
language they are comfortable the rapport is established sooner and then you go ahead
and use that to teach them how to relate to one another.
It is a very very enjoyable process.
Whenever you are involved in working with couples in marriage counseling get them to
do the work for you.
They should be the ones to put forth the greatest amount of effort because that is where the
change needs to occur.
There are several ways to do this.
One of the problems that occurs in counseling is that if a couple comes in they might take
two or three sessions just to tell you what is going on.
That is one of the reasons why if at all possible we want a couple to complete the marital assessment
inventory before they even come in because by them completing this and taking the hour
and a half that it takes they will be able to identify the areas of strength in their
marriage as well as the problem areas and you will be able to read through this before
you even see them or even after the first session and that way be able to identify the
areas of strength that you want to bring out with them and then identify the critical issues.
In this inventory it talks about a number of different topics from marital preparation
to the personal family background to evaluating their marriage to their spiritual relationship,
what the main issues are in the marriage and then on the last page there is a very, very
important section there because it talks about their goals for their counseling with you,
how long it should last and then there is one statement that says for them to evaluate
their level of commitment to the marriage on a scale of zero to ten and what they think
their partner's level of commitment to the marriage is.
And I've had a number of occasions where a person will put down that their level of commitment
is a nine and they think their spouse's level of commitment is a nine.
But when I read the spouse's level of commitment they circled a two which means their partner
does not know how bad they are hurting, how disillusioned they are and it also means that
as a counselor or a minister what I need to do in the very first session is to get as
many concessions as possible from the highly committed person in order to encourage their
disillusioned partner to stay in counseling or stay in the relationship.
And if I didn't have that information in advance I too could go ahead and make some mistakes
during the first session.
I really encourage you to use the marital assessment inventory because it can save six
or seven hours of counseling time with a couple and the information on this is listed on the
bibliography with this series.
I really appreciate you filling this out before our session together because the amount of
information that you give me from this saves us really about five or six hours of counseling
time if you were continuing on in the counseling process.
And we also find as you said earlier that you learned a lot about one another and you
haven't even been married a year yet so you're still in the process of learning to be compatible
I guess you could say.
As I look this over on the current level of satisfaction and the 15 or 20 items that were
there there are many of them where you have a pretty good level of satisfaction but there
was one that both of you seemed to identify that perhaps could be a bit stronger and it
had to do with the depth of your communication.
You indicated that as about a three or a four and then Sharon I think you answered on the
one how we speak or how well we speak one another's language.
You indicated that as being down toward the bottom at this time so wondering if we could
just talk about that a little bit.
And Sharon maybe you could go ahead and just share some of your thoughts and feelings about
the depth of communication and what perhaps concerns you and what you would like to see
improved.
I've mentioned before that it's important to get the couple to become involved in homework
and sometimes that homework is not just reading or listening it could be going out on a date
together where there's a gag rule on what they talk about.
It could be sitting down 10 minutes a day holding hands sitting face to face and talking
about some of the issues that have been brought up in the counseling but you will need to
adapt the actual homework assignments to each couple that you are working with.
Another way of getting the couple to do the work is to ask them what are the goals that
you have for our counseling time together.
When our counseling is finished how will you be different?
And I like to use the word how will you be different because we need to use terminology
that is going to cause them to believe that this is going to actually occur.
I'm interested in hearing what brings you here today and what you'd like to see accomplished
by the time we're through.
I'd like for him to be able to communicate to me the way that I communicate to him.
I'm very open and honest with him about every aspect of my life.
Everything that involves me I feel should be important to him.
I hope it's important to him and I'd like for him to feel the same.
I'd like for him to be able to open up with every little minute thing and be able to tell
me about it.
To just be able to communicate and get it out.
He seems to have trouble just telling me, just talking to me.
I guess men just don't want to talk.
Women talk and men don't.
I don't know.
I just wish that you would communicate with me.
Something else that's important to do as you work with couples is to help them clarify
what progress means and even to develop a new criteria.
So often couples come in and they are focusing on 20% of the marriage that is not working
and ignoring 80% that is working.
You want to bring that out into the light, but at the same time as you give assignments
or you talk with them about what they are going to be doing differently, you might even
mention that in this next week, if you are able to have 10% of your time that is fulfilling
and satisfying for you, that's what I want you to focus on.
Not the 90% that is still painful and disruptive for you.
Look at the 10%, nurture it, encourage one another, reaffirm one another during that
10% of the time.
And then the next week can build from there and it can go on and on and on.
Progress is slow, but if you become discouraged over the slowness of that progress, then the
marriage will actually begin to crumble.
So look at it in a new way.
Affirm one another in terms of what they are doing that is different and become an encourager
to the other individual.
As you embark on this new direction, if you go two or three days and it is really working
and then you have a day when you fall back into the old pattern, during that one day
I want you to look back and realize that there were two or three days when it worked.
What was I doing then that made it work?
Go back, rediscover that and focus more on the little steps forward than the times when
maybe it didn't work.
Even if the next month you have improved 10%, that is what we want to focus on because maybe
the next month there is another 20% and that is how progress is made.
When each of you is doing what the other would like, then that is the time to reinforce one
another.
Focus the positives, don't harp on the negatives.
And yes, it is going to be a struggle, but this can be overcome.
I think one thing that is really going to help you even more is to get yourself into
a group where others can support you and you are not carrying the load so much by yourself.
I think that will help.
I appreciate your transparency and your willingness to come and share and I am going to be praying
with you for this change in your life.
What happens when a couple comes to you for the first session?
Do you have any goals in mind?
Do you know what to focus on?
Is this a time when you just simply gather information?
No, because when you use the marital assessment inventory, you already have the information.
Is this a time when you focus specifically and only on the problems in the relationship?
Not really, you need to know some of those, but at the same time you want to discover
what some of the strengths, what some of the positive qualities are in that couple's relationship.
If you just talk about the problems and the pain that they have experienced, when they
walk out of your office, they are going to feel even worse.
And we are there to be somebody who provides encouragement and hope.
Sometimes I have couples come in and say, Norm, 45 minutes is not enough time to talk
about all the problems that we have.
And so once we go into the office, I am sure that I frustrate them a little bit because
I might turn to each and say, could you give me sort of a three-minute summary of what
is going on in your marriage and what it is that you would like to have changed?
And after they have done that, then I begin asking, what are the strengths in your relationship?
What is it that you appreciate about your partner?
What have been some of the good positive times?
And we might do this for 20 or 25 minutes, and I have actually had couples walk out and
say, you know, we were coming in here focusing on just a little section of our marriage and
now we have discovered that there are some real positives within this relationship.
And that is what you want to do.
To draw out the positives, what you want to do is to build positive expectancies so that
they look at one another and expect something good to happen instead of condemning them
in advance.
I would imagine that any kind of feelings that you have of compassion or concern or
empathy are going to be expressed because of your strong expressive score.
In fact, you have just an excellent expressive responsive score, especially for a man, because
many men are coming out in the white area on that trait.
But yours is really, really tough, so if you can really develop more of the feelings of
concern for others and if you see others hurting, the kind feelings to verbalize those, it is
really going to cement relationships together.
And I think that is something that Gary especially needs.
You also want to establish a commitment for change and find out if the individual or the
couple really wants to change.
Sometimes they don't realize what change is going to cost, and yet every person in counseling
has to come to the place where they make a value judgment on, yes, I want it to be different,
or no, I will just live with this.
In John chapter 5, Jesus asked the man at the pool a very strange question.
He said, do you really want to be healed?
And in a sense he was saying, do you really want to change?
You have to find this out as you work with your couples.
And so in that first session, what you want to do is to find the existing strengths in
the relationship, the positive exchanges, to bring those up to the surface so the couple
is aware of that.
And you want to find the positive behaviors that are already existing, even though they
might be very small, and get the couple to encourage one another and to reinforce those.
Marriage counseling really involves teaching the couple how to solve problems and teaching
them some skills.
Sometimes I will ask a couple, what are the two items that you would like to see resolved
in your marriage, and what will each of you need to do to make this happen?
I also like to ask, what does resolve mean to you?
And many times in the marriage counseling when I ask questions or I bring up issues
to discuss, instead of them talking to me, I ask them to turn to one another and talk
to each other because in the session it provides an air of safety for them.
And secondly, this is the way in which we would like them to talk on the outside.
Sharon, what happens to you?
How do you feel when Dennis does come to the place where he opens up?
I feel good.
Could you turn to Dennis and tell him?
I feel good, but I'm still scared.
I'm scared that I don't quite think I'm going to be able to handle it or understand
or meet all your needs, or that out of fear I'll go back, close again, because I just
don't know how to handle it.
Have you ever said to him, gee, I appreciate you telling me about your feelings, I'm not
sure what to do with them at this point.
Have you ever said something like that?
No.
No, I haven't.
I should say that, but...
Would that be an expression, though, of what you're really feeling?
Yes, it would.
I feel, too, like I should know, or if he opens up, I should have those right words
to stroke him and say if things are okay, but sometimes I don't.
When you do share your feelings, what is it that you want to hear from Sharon?
Do you tell her?
Just to reassure me that I'm okay, that you'll still stand by me even in the times when I'm
unsure, and to just be there at my side, and to not...
For you to reassure me that your world won't fall down when I think that our world and
my world is just kind of in disarray, that my lacking won't cause you to just be depleted.
How do you feel about that?
Feels okay, safe.
That's safe for him?
That's something that you can do?
Yeah.
I could do that.
You're very articulate, Dennis.
You might feel as though that it's difficult for you to share, but the interchange right
there showed that you've really got that capacity.
There's a lot there.
As we talk with them in the session, we want to help them discover the consequences of
what they are doing, but also to anticipate the consequences of what can occur later on
as they really accelerate the positive responses together.
One of the things that you might want to consider, and you don't always have to ask this straight
out, but think about what might this couple do to sabotage the plans?
Sometimes I've asked this of them, and I talk with them about it so that they can realize
the pattern of sabotaging behavior that they have been engaging in over the years.
Now, as we work with the couple, our task is to help them identify what is working and
help them amplify that, help them to keep it working and build the strengths so that
those strengths begin to move over into the areas of negative and begin to change those.
Really, you and I are a conveyor of hope.
We want to help bring in an element of hope with the couple, and sometimes this is conveyed
when we ask the question, what will be different in your marriage this week because of counseling?
What will be different in your marriage when the counseling is over?
In 1 Thessalonians 5.11, it tells us that we are to encourage and to edify and to build
up one another, and that is our calling as we minister to these couples because many
times they have no faith, they have no hope, and maybe in a sense what we need to do is
to loan them our own.
You mentioned that you don't even get credit for the times you try.
So there are times where maybe there is a little greater control?
Very little, but yes.
There are times where...
Would that be noticeable to Rosie?
Yes, I think so.
Okay.
Would it be safe to say that maybe there is a couple days where you might not mention
anything?
That you don't bring up anything?
I have to say, yeah, there has been a time where I've just tried to shut it out.
Recently we've had an ordeal, and again, I try to...
I realize that, as she said, that she's growing thin on the situation, so I have to be real
careful because I want my marriage.
After 19 years, it's like my life, half our lives together, so it's important to me to
try and I do give it effort.
Today I find myself trying to be more careful in saying the things that might hurt her or
try not to think and allow myself to get my mind to thinking insecurities, but I do try,
yes.
Okay, so it is possible and there are some exceptions.
So we know that there's a little ray of hope there.
As you work with the couple in counseling, discover and focus on what can be accomplished
and solved, not what can't.
So many times they come in and they talk about the problems that have gone on for years and
years and years and they blame one another and they say, you did this or you did that,
and they go back and forth, and very honestly, that really doesn't accomplish much.
Do you think the times where you know you're speaking loudly for just dramatic purposes
or for control or just for intensity or emphasis that you could say, Gary, I'm not angry.
I guess I'm just trying to really emphasize how important this is to me.
Do you think that's within the realm of possibility?
Certainly.
Okay.
I'd like you to do that.
Okay.
Not try, but actually do it because...
I think that would be good for me because sometimes I do try to figure out if he's angry.
Sometimes I'm analyzing his actions and wondering if he's angry at me or if he's angry at someone
from work because sometimes I think that he'll be angry about someone else and of course
if it's a customer, you can't dump on them.
So then sometimes I felt like he's come home and dumped on me because he was angry at them.
And you're kind of confused.
Yeah, and I'm trying to sort it out, figuring out if he's angry at me or angry at them because
if he's angry at them, then maybe I can say, well, I understand that and I can kind of
separate that and not take a personal offense to it.
Have you ever said, Jim, I can hear your anger.
I guess I need to know who it is that you're angry at.
No, I haven't, but that'd be good.
If you could take the initiative to identify what you're really feeling when your voice
is raised, and that would help, but on the other hand, if there's times where that doesn't
occur and you hear the irritation, and often the irritation comes through our tone of voice,
if you could go ahead and just clarify it, that might serve as a good reminder for Jim
so that he says, whoops, yeah, I guess I'm upset at so and so or no, I guess I'm bothered
about something that you did, Gary, and I guess I should have clarified why I'm saying
this.
So that's something that...
Yeah, that would definitely help, because these patterns that we've established are
hard to break.
I've already learned that.
Okay, well, if we have something concrete, and there's a commitment on your part to go
ahead and do this, and when you do it, let's say there's three situations that occur on
one of them.
Jim follows through with what we've talked about here.
That's the time I'd really like you to reinforce it, to affirm what he's done, and not pay
much attention to the times that he blew it, because when we build on the positives, eventually
they grow so much that they're going to crowd out those negative times.
When you're working with them, be careful with your questions.
Don't just ask, well, have there been times when you've gotten along?
It's better to ask, tell me about the times when you do get along.
It's almost like using...
I guess I'd use the phrase a possibility term.
You want to draw out the fact that there have been good times.
There are beneficial times.
There are times that the couple doesn't fight, that they don't hassle, but it's going to
be up to you to direct them through the different questions and the different statements, and
the phraseology is so vital at this point.
People are going to come in, though, and complain about their behavior.
In fact, sometimes I see them complaining about the behavior of their partner right
out in the waiting room, which gets a little embarrassing for everybody.
But when they do start complaining about, let me tell you what he doesn't do, or let
me tell you what she's been involved in, you might listen a little bit and then ask the
question, when is the person different?
When are the exceptions?
When is it less severe?
When is it less intense?
When is it less of a problem?
When is it less frequent?
And when they talk about the times when their partner isn't behaving in the negative way,
you might want to ask them the question, how did you get that to happen?
That's amazing.
You must have been doing something to encourage the other person to do it the way in which
you wanted to.
Now, this is a new thought to many of them.
They don't realize that they do affect one another back and forth.
And what you want to do is to bring out to the surface that when their partner is behaving
in a loving, positive way, in some way they are probably contributing to that.
Get them to focus on exceptions.
Get them to look into the past to discover times when things were going well and then
say, I wonder how that happened.
I wonder what you could learn from the past.
How do you want now the next week to go for you?
Have there been times when you have gained the courage to open up and share?
Yeah, yeah.
I think as our relationship has progressed, we are learning more and more to communicate
and our guard is dropping.
We do open up more and more as time goes on.
So there are exceptions.
And the times that you have opened up, what has happened?
Were you rejected or did she listen to you?
No, I think for me it has almost been something that I have built up like a facade that I
think would come about if I exposed myself to her.
When I have opened up and though she may not always understand me or what I am saying,
she still didn't reject me.
She was still there and that in itself was just kind of a relief.
I would like to share with you a number of questions that I have found over the years
or developed or redone from a number of different resources that will really convey what it
is that I would like you to actually do when you are counseling with a couple.
And I think you will catch the tenor or the nature of these questions as you hear them.
Questions like what will be different this week and what can we do to make it happen?
When you are counseling somebody, it is important to use the phrase we so they realize that
you are with them and you are supporting them as well.
Let's assume your marriage will be the way you want it this week.
What would that be like and how can you make it happen?
Sometimes we brainstorm, we dream, we focus them towards what can actually be accomplished.
I understand that this has been going on and this has been happening, but let's focus on
what you will be doing that is going to be different this week.
Another statement, you shared with me some of the difficult times.
Tell me about the times that it is working and why it works.
You see sometimes it is a matter of shifting a person's perspective because they have both
the times when it works as well as the time when it doesn't work.
Between today and our next session, I want you to observe what happens in the relationship
that you would like to have continue.
What is it that your partner does that you like?
And one of the important things for you to do is to teach the couple that whenever their
partner does something that they like, they appreciate, that they value, to reinforce
it, to affirm it, to let them know that that is something that makes a difference to them
and to not pay so much attention to the times when it is not what they want.
Another statement would be or question, if you were responding to one another in the
way that you wanted, what would that be like?
Can we plan to do this this week?
How will we make it happen?
Again encouraging statements, future oriented.
In a sense I guess you want the people to become more of a tomorrow person rather than
a yesterday person.
Many couples get so hooked into the pain and the hassling that goes on that they have no
vision for the future.
And I think that is part of our job is to help them capture a vision.
Other statements or questions, what is different about the days when you do get along?
Or the statement, you have described your spouse's behavior using some negative terms,
how else could you define this for me?
Whenever couples use negative terms with one another it creates defensiveness and resistance
and anger.
What is it that you do to stop the fighting that does work?
Because I have seen you actually do it here.
Are you aware of what you do?
It appears that what you are doing really isn't working that well so you don't have
that much to lose by trying something different, do you?
If there is ever a phrase that I have used again and again hundreds of times over the
years it is that phrase.
I have asked the question, is what you are doing actually working?
Then if it is not, let's try something new that will work.
I would like you to respond to one another as if you were not responding to each other
in a negative way.
Or I would like you to behave toward one another as though your marriage was really functioning
well.
You see, statements like these, questions like these have to do with their attitude
or their perspective.
And it focuses them on something that can happen, something that they want to have happen
and eventually something that will happen.
But you will need to be persistent in keeping them on track because many couples want to
come in and do nothing but complain and fight and hassle and that just reinforces the pain.
When you are counseling couples, sort of to summarize, some of your goals are going to
be get them to take a look at the exceptions to their problems.
Really direct their attention to the positive exchanges, the positive expectancies that are there.
There are always exceptions to the negative, but you have to be like a explorer or a pioneer
or prospector and discover these for the people.
You want to help them discover the strengths that exist in the relationship and above all
help them to capture a vision for the solution.
Sometimes you could ask, if there was a dramatic change overnight, what would your marriage
be like tomorrow?
Can you give me a vision of what you want your marriage to be like six months from now?
Statements like these keep them working.
Could I take it one step further, Andy?
I appreciate your willingness to do this and I guess I'd like to refine the word try a
little bit.
And maybe if we could express that I will be doing this, I can't give you a timetable,
but when we say I will be doing this, I guess it's more of a commitment.
I will try to, I'm sorry, I will work on expressing my feelings more to you and letting you know
where I'm coming from and what I feel inside.
I think one of the most enjoyable techniques that I've learned over the years from others
is to use the caring days approach.
One of the reasons that couples marry is for need fulfillment, but too often they fail
to let their partner know what their needs are and specifically how to meet those needs.
Sometimes we find that men especially need sort of a roadmap, a guide on how to respond
to their wife.
And so in the caring days approach, I ask each person to make a list of maybe 10 or
12 simple, loving, caring behaviors that they would like their partner to emit toward them.
And once they make this list of behaviors, which are really not major behaviors, they're
not expensive, they're not conflictual, then they exchange these lists and each person
has a roadmap to follow.
And the basic idea here is to take one or two of these loving, caring behaviors and
do that for your partner each day.
And they are very simple.
Here is one husband's list and he made a few statements like, smile and say you're glad
to see me when you wake up, call me at work, wash my back, touch me while I drive, tell
me that you care, tell me that I'm nice to be around.
They're very basic.
They don't take a lot of time, but they're just significant to the person and it's the
way in which they feel loved and cared for.
And so each person is to go ahead and give one or two of these a day regardless of what
their partner does.
And the basic theory here, which is so true, is that when you increase the positive behaviors
in a relationship, in time it will crowd out the negative behaviors.
I'd encourage you to use this with your couples.
I'd encourage you to use it first of all in your own marriage so you can experience the
benefits of trying this approach.
I think it's a very scriptural approach because the scripture talks about us to be, it encourages
us to be kind, to be tender hearted, to be loving and caring toward each one.
Now when they come back after a session, how do you begin that session?
You ask questions like, did you do the homework?
No, you don't ask that.
Do you ask them, well, was there any progress?
No.
What you do ask is, what happened this week that made it better?
Tell me about the progress that you made.
I'd like to hear about some of the good times that occurred.
You want to keep them directed toward the positives and keep that flow going in their
life even if they're only able to recount one incident that was beneficial.
That's sufficient.
And then build the next week for more and more and more.
Whenever you work with couples, take the time to encourage them in building the dimension
of spiritual intimacy in their life.
The spiritual intimacy is the foundation for other levels of intimacy or dimensions of
intimacy and so many couples struggle with this.
Teach them how to pray and of course that will need to come from your own experience
in your prayer life with your spouse as well.
Teach them how to read the scripture together.
Get them into the different devotional books that will really help them.
And something else that is really important is for you to pray with them in session, to
let them know you're praying for them on the outside, but don't hesitate to ask them to
pray for you because it's a two-way street, especially if they're members of your church.
Sometimes people feel awkward in coming to their minister.
They wonder how is our pastor or associate or whoever going to think of us after we've
come and we've shared these problems.
You need to address that.
You need to let them know that we all struggle on this pathway of life.
You need to let them know that you're not using them as an illustration in a message
and that when you see them outside of this office, you don't see them as councilees.
You see them as other people within the church with strengths and weaknesses just like you
have strengths and weaknesses.
I'd like to encourage you after this series is over to go to the bibliography and look
at the different books and resources that have been described.
It will tell you where you can obtain these.
I'd like to mention two or three others that will be a benefit in your counseling.
One of the books that has dramatically changed my premarital and marital counseling over
the last five years is a book that I never considered to be that helpful in counseling.
It's called Type Talk.
It talks about personality differences and it gives such good insight that I have all
of my couples read 12 to 15 pages describing their personality and identifying it.
By doing that, they're able to learn to blend and compliment.
They're able to come to the place where instead of looking at one another and saying, boy,
you're really different, that is really a problem, they're able to say, you know what?
You're different from me and it's okay for you to be you and okay for me to be me and
we can learn to compliment one another.
That's part of our goal in our counseling.
Another resource that I'd like to encourage you to consider is a book called The Divorce
Decision.
When I have couples come in or an individual come in and say, you know, I'm thinking of
getting a divorce, I have them do three things.
I ask them to visit a divorce recovery workshop and hear the stories of the people who are
there.
I ask them to read the book The Divorce Decision and then a secular book called Divorce Busting.
And at the end of that time, if they are not rethinking their position, I really question
what is going on because the reality of hearing the stories from people in a divorce and the
reality of divorce expressed in these books and how you can build a positive relationship
are so clear that many people have turned away from divorce and have continued building
their marriage.
And finally, one other book is called When Anger Hits Home and since anger is such an
issue in family life today, this is a book that can give couples a handle on how to control
the anger that is there, discover the causes of it, and deal with it before it gets out
of hand and moves into the area of abuse.
All of these resources I think will help you and I encourage you to continue to grow in
your own personal development and in your skills in reaching out to help the couples
that are all around you in your community and within your church.
This is the conclusion to tape number one.
On the second tape, you're going to have the opportunity to observe an extensive amount
of live counseling and hopefully through that process, be able to apply what I've talked
about on this first tape.
I'd really like to express my appreciation to the couples who came on camera and were
transparent and vulnerable to share their issues with us.
You might be wondering though, where do you go from here?
How do you refine what you listen to on this first tape?
Well, I guess my first suggestion is go back again, listen and watch the second time and
then a third time.
Take notes and outline everything that has been said and then with your council's permission,
tape record some of your sessions, go back and listen and identify your questions and
your statements.
Are you creating an air of expectancy?
Are you focusing on exceptions so they discover that yes, there are positives in their relationship?
Are you leaving them with a sense of hope?
Even though you and I are the ones who are counseling others, we too need to be counseled
and this through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
We need to rely upon the Holy Spirit to give us an additional amount of wisdom and insight
and ability to speak because there are going to be so many times where you, like myself,
have the feeling that how could this couple possibly work out of the difficulties they're
in?
I know of many couples where I've been somewhat pessimistic and yet through the ministry of
the Holy Spirit, their lives were turned around and they now have a relationship that they
never thought possible.
God bless you in your ministry with your couples.