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Alright everybody, we're back.
My next guest tonight was a member of the legendary Monty Python group,
and now has a new book called Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic.
Please welcome Mr. Terry Jones.
Conan, I feel so inadequate.
I feel so bad.
Why? Why do you feel bad?
Well, you know, I didn't bring my secret sex tape.
You didn't tell me about it.
We have that tape, don't worry.
Not worthy of showing, my friend.
I can do a reenactment of it for you.
You want to see a reenactment?
No, I can do you the reenactment of the sex tape.
Oh, well, get it on, my friend.
We're here now.
Well, no, on our HBO special.
You can do it.
We'll reserve it for there.
How have you been?
Well, I've been alright, actually, a bit busy writing things.
You know, Starship Titanic book, you see, me writing that.
You were afraid I wasn't going to get to this, obviously.
Well, my publishers have said, they're sitting in the back, actually, now,
and they've said we have to mention it at least 16 times.
We have to get the name Starship Titanic on.
So that's three times.
That's three times, then.
Can you give a score, please, everybody?
I'll mention it a few times, too, which we'll add to it.
That would be okay, yeah.
Starship Titanic, Starship Titanic.
Andy?
Hold on.
Starship Titanic.
Starship Titanic, right.
Wait, Starship...
Hold on, slow down now.
Starship Titanic cubed.
Yeah, there you go.
Takes care of a number of them.
Was that right?
You can do that.
There's no problem there.
This is interesting because Douglas Adams, of course, from Hitchhiker's Guide...
Absolutely, yeah.
...to the universe, I guess he had the idea for the book,
but then, and he told it to you, and you wrote it.
I don't think I've experienced it before.
So it's Douglas Adams' Starship Titanic, a novel by Terry Jones.
It's very clumsy, isn't it?
Yes, we realize now we made a mistake.
It should have just been, you know, Starship Titanic by Douglas Adams and Terry Jones.
Right.
I mean, what happened was Douglas wanted to do a CD-ROM game.
Right.
And so the Starship Titanic is actually a CD-ROM game.
Oh, well, that's right, because you, on the CD-ROM game, you play...
You play the parrot.
That's right. Well, that's what happened.
Douglas invited me in to play the parrot, the ranged parrot in the CD-ROM game.
Piece of cake, piece of cake.
And what Douglas had realized, which nobody else had realized, is that
actually all my life I've always been playing parrots.
You know, every part I've ever had has been a parrot, actually.
Uh-huh.
I mean, when I played Brian's mother in Monty Python's Life of Brian,
that was the Virgin Mandy, we called her.
He's not a messiah! He's a very moldy boy!
It's true.
I didn't realize that.
It was a parrot, you know, and the woman in the spam sketch.
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam!
They're all parrots, anyway.
Pretty much the only voice you've ever been doing is a parrot.
Yes, I'm afraid so.
And you've built a nice career on it.
Well, I have, yes, and Douglas has actually brought me out of the cupboard,
out of the cage, as it were.
And I can actually play what I've always wanted to play,
to be a real parrot on the CD-ROM, the Starship Titanic, I think.
Yeah, Starship Titanic.
Starship Titanic.
I always feel when I talk to you that I'm in a Monty Python sketch.
It's interesting, because I was going to ask you about the TV project,
I guess, that you've been working on now.
It sounds interesting.
Oh, I'm doing a thing called Ancient Inventions.
We've been filming here in New York.
It's based on the book, actually, Ancient Inventions.
It's quite curious when you go back to look at the past,
and you see what people did.
I mean, for example, some of the inventions of the past,
it's not the use they were put to.
It's quite strange.
For example, the first mechanical clock cannon was not, as you may think,
invented to tell the time.
It was actually invented to regulate the sex life of the Emperor of China.
Is that true?
It's absolutely true.
You're not making a joke?
No, no, it's absolutely true.
You see, what happens is the Emperor of China,
this is like 200 years BC, 2000 years BC,
and he had 80 wives,
and he had to go to bed with them in batches of nine throughout the month.
Good deal all around.
Yeah.
And then for the astronomers, it was very important.
The full moon, he went to bed with his real wife, his number one wife, you see.
And it was very important, the moment of conception.
Can I say that on late night television?
Yeah. Yes, you can.
Many worse things have happened here.
So it was very important for him when he came off.
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't say that.
The moment of conception was important.
Yeah.
Wait a minute, we had agreed on a term.
I said the wrong thing.
And then you go and come up with the nasty one.
I'm sorry.
All right.
So that's what the mechanical plot was invented for,
to find out, you know, the moment of conception,
because that was very important for the astronomers.
And it's freakish, I would say.
Oh, did you know that the...
Ramesses I, the pharaoh...
You just went into a parrot, by the way.
I just...
You became the parrot again.
It really is, it's more of an illness with you, I think, than anything else.
It is. Well, I think it's the Welsh in me, you know.
Welsh in me, I always feel like that.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
When he was building the first pyramids,
the slaves went on strike because they ran out of make-up.
Why?
Well, you see, make-up, you see, they needed the make-up,
because it wasn't just... it was like sunblock.
It wasn't just make-up, it was sunblock.
So they ran out of make-up, and they wouldn't go and build the pyramids,
and they still got another lot.
And so they had to come up with more make-up
in order for the pyramids to be built.
Exactly, yes.
Is that how make-up was invented then?
It is.
So that they could build the pyramids.
This is a fascinating show.
It is.
See, we've now talked more about the show
than Starship Titanic.
Starship Titanic!
Oh, my God, sorry!
I'm saying it, Starship Titanic.
One last thing I wanted to ask you.
I've heard a rumor about you, and I'm curious about it.
I've heard that you have a house that doesn't have a great view.
I swear to God, I heard this, and I thought,
that can't be true.
I got to ask him next time I see him.
You have a house that does not have a good view,
so you put a giant magnifying glass contraption
on the roof of your house
so that you actually have a good view now.
Is that true?
Well, it is true in a way.
I put this camera obscure on top of the house.
It's like a sort of a turret.
Like a big periscope.
That's what it's like, yeah.
So you're a pervert, pretty much.
It's my sex tape, you see.
Oh, I didn't mean my sex tape.
We've come full circle here.
I just wanted to know,
I just see you wearing a German U-boat hat on backwards.
We've got the missiles as well.
Sink any other house in the neighborhood.
Oh, good Lord.
Well, the book, of course,
I believe it's called Starship Titanic.
Starship Titanic, yes.
A novel by Terry Jones,
thought up by Douglas Adams,
is available everywhere,
and we always love it when you come by.
Thanks for doing it again.
Oh, thanks for having me.
Come by again.
Terry Jones, everybody.
We'll take a break.
Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
We'll see you in a second.
Tonight on Later with Cindy Crawford,
Dennis Leary reveals Cindy isn't the only one
who started out as a model.
I was a thong nostril hair model for a long time.
Later tonight...
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Thanks for tuning in.
We want to thank all our guests.
Stay tuned for later.
We'll see you tomorrow.