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In every age, in every place and time, one man has always stood out from the multitude.
The solitary hero who embarks on an epic quest for glory.
This is the story of such a man and such a quest.
Since time immemorial when the cry of four first echoed throughout the pristine landscape of the ancient world,
the game of golf has been more than just a test of human skill.
It has been a tale of courage and determination as the valiant warrior ventures forth to meet and grapple
with an implacable foe in the lonely arena of personal combat.
Dramatic battles between good and evil that will endure for as long as men tell stories and other men actually believe them.
And no matter how much time goes by, it's still the same old story.
A fight for love and glory, a case of do or die.
And you can bet sooner or later you're going to be put to the test.
A money match against a determined, sometimes vicious competitor.
You sure?
Pour on!
Here's my card. I'm free three weeks from Saturday.
Be there. Six thirty sharp.
Come here.
Sister, can you break a hundred?
Yes, yes I can.
I'll tell you what, when you can break eighty, let me know and I'll play you for the whole basket.
Did the gulp stream land yet?
What?
Did the Jordan's plane land yet?
Well, I don't know.
Well, no show, no match.
Play or play, looks like he's going to forfeit another five thousand.
Oh yeah, pulled the same thing last month. Go figure.
Hey, look, will you give this to your boy Larry? Tell him to stop driving that clunker.
Gee, thanks. A thousand bucks.
Easy come, easy go.
Tough luck about your match. Looks like we both got stood up. I'm Brad Van Cortland.
Leslie Nielsen.
Pleased to meet you Leslie. Now look, ironically, my match with the governor just got cancelled.
Why don't we have a little game together and work off our disappointments?
Hey, now, aren't you the club champion? I'd be no competition for you. I couldn't keep up with you. I'm a bad golfer.
That, my friend, is the beauty of the handicap system. That's why golf is so popular.
It's the game where bad golfers can beat good golfers.
Really?
But I don't need to tell you that. Oh, by the way, what is your handicap?
Eighteen.
Well, that's not bad. Okay, eighteen holes. I'll give you a stroke a hole, except on the par fives and of course the par threes.
But you have to agree that at the end of the front nine, I have a chance to cut down on your strokes if you're beating me too badly.
Anyway, you start at eighteen.
Well, alright, that's very good of you.
Now you look like a real player, the kind of red-blooded sportsman who likes a little action.
What do you say, just to keep things interesting, we play for $500 NASA. But I gotta tell you, $500 is absolutely all that I can afford.
You know, I never really understand these gambling things in golf. Just tell me, how much can I lose?
Well, if you win the front nine and the back nine, then you win the game. And you can win $1500. But let's make that an even $2000.
Now, if I win the back nine and you win the front nine and they're even, then we break even.
And obviously, on the ninth and eighteenth hole, you get to press your bet.
But of course, if the nine I win is better than the nine you win, then I end up winning.
Well, I see. Well, that's very interesting.
Well, I can't tell you how delighted I am to be playing with the club champion. Maybe I'll pick up a few pointers.
Oh, just a minute here. There you are, sister.
There you go.
You're a very generous man, Brad.
Okay.
Here we go.
Well, let me see. We've got this, what, that Nassau thing, right?
Michael Jordan and I like to have a few side bets just to keep the fun in the game.
So we'll have a $5 bill on Bahamas, a $5 on Guatemala, then a five spot on Greenies, Perfys, Prunies.
First on, then bingle-bangle, round the corner, hot pepper, run away home.
What is this? Capture the flag? Ring a levio? Pin the tail on a donkey?
Look, are we going to play a real game of golf or not?
Just having a little fun there, Brad.
I'll tell you what, we'll do it for the first hole, and then if you don't like it, we'll do $10 on state capitals and $20 on Russian composers.
Well, now you're the club champion, you have the honors on the first tee.
You know, excuse me, it's very rude of me, I just thought to put this kind of pressure on you.
If it bothers you, I can go first.
It doesn't bother me, pal.
You're just being a gentleman, I can see. You're a little tense and tired, I can see the awkward way that you're holding the club there.
No, honestly, I don't mind going first.
Suit yourself.
All right, but still, you're the club champion, clearly you should have the honors on the first tee.
Look, why don't you just go ahead and hit?
I tell you what, we'll flip a coin.
Let's see, you got a coin in your pocket? I know what, we'll do hands behind the back, out or even, you know, off, even.
Forget it, I am going to hit.
All right, all right, go ahead.
Beautiful drive.
Absolutely perfect.
Well, that's five dollars you owe me.
I hit a near perfect shot and I owe you five dollars.
We just made the bet, remember, purfies?
Fine, fine.
Here is five dollars.
Let's just run a tab from now on, because that's how I hit him every time.
Whoa, what a slice.
Chiquita banana.
Hey, there's no way a high handicapper like you can make that shot.
Take a drop in the clear, it's only one penalty stroke.
I wonder how much wind there is.
What the hell difference does a wind make the way you play?
Hey, wait a minute here. What's going on? What are you doing?
What the?
Right, it's a pruney. Here's a five.
All right, I won't argue with you. It's a double pruney.
Here's a ten.
Well, well, looks like you're first on.
Yeah, that'll be another fiver.
No, I'm first on, you owe me the five.
No, no, no, no. The bet is you get as close to the green as you can without getting on.
Then you chip inside of each other's ball.
But if you get on the green, then you lose.
Of course, the good golfer's always going for the birdie,
and that's why he always loses this bet, you see.
Really good for your short game.
Of course, he always loses on this kind of bet.
It's a bet that balances out the difference between the bad golfer and the good golfer.
Beautiful. Putt a birdie. Wow.
We're even, Stephen.
Look, I'm going to make you a wonderful offer.
Let's say I give you five bucks a hole for all these dumb little bets of yours,
and let's be done with them.
There. Seventeen holes left times five is eighty-five bucks.
Excuse me. Greenies, prunies, purfies, first on, Guatemala, Bahama.
We've got a potential here for several hundred dollars.
That's right.
All right, let's make it an even hundred.
No, there is two hundred.
Now, let's cut all this crap and play some real men's golf.
You all right?
Fine, fine.
Let's just get on with it.
You know that Louis XIV, the King of France, never bathed in his entire lifetime?
Can you imagine how he smelled?
Okay, Brad, let it rip. You still have the honors.
Thank you, pal.
You better get used to it because that's how it's going to be all day.
All right, cut it out now. Hold it down.
Can you believe this?
Clowns on a golf course? I'm shocked. Shocked.
How dare you? We're playing a golf game here.
It's a kind of kindergarten college fraternity gag.
All right, get out of here. Get moving.
I'll show you a funny exit. Give me that driver.
I'll wrap this around your neck in two seconds. Get going.
Get out of here.
Here, see?
You ought to leave your names at the clubhouse.
Get you in touch with a good music teacher.
All right. Big, dumb, stupid joke.
Big, dumb, stupid.
Don't let me find out what your names are, I'll tell you that.
Brad, I'm really... I'm sorry.
I can't handle this kind of thing the way you do.
I understand what the word quiet means to a fine golfer,
to a golfer of your caliber.
I know that your concentration is so pure,
it compounds all of your senses,
especially the sense of hearing.
You can hear even the smallest noise.
I know what that saying means when you say,
the fine golfer can literally hear a person changing their mind.
In the next room.
Right.
Would you mind?
I can't believe that.
Go, boy, go, roll, roll, roll.
Mmm.
Music.
Brad, the rake here.
We'll get the rake.
Will you shut up and stop moving?
Well, you're still in my line of vision. Get behind me.
Horns honking.
Music.
Grrr.
Music.
Rattling.
Ha ha.
Rattling.
Yahoo.
Music.
You know, in the 16th century,
King Philip II of Spain was laying siege to a seaport town,
and his daughter Isabella swore that until the town fell,
she would not change her underwear.
It took three years for that town to fall.
Can you imagine if she and Nobeth Louis XIV got together,
what a dynamic do-all-they-would-have-been.
Pressure.
How much can a player take before he breaks?
Why do some golfers just snap like a twig
and blow a good lead while others maintain a steely grip
on their nerves through thick and thin?
Call it concentration.
Call it discipline.
Call it Nagorno-Karabakh.
Whatever it is,
it's the quality that separates winners from losers
and separates losers from their money.
Brad Mike Hattie is a wizard in these greens.
Bob, in the spirit of good sportsmanship,
will you lend a helping hand?
Putt breaks left to right.
I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull, pal.
I know this green. It breaks right to left, not left to right.
Sorry, left to right.
Right to left.
Well, Brad, is that your right or is it his?
Because if it is your right, then you're right.
But if it's his, then left to right is right, right?
I mean, if you're standing this way, then it is your right.
But if you're standing this way, then left to right is right.
Right, Brad?
Right ahead. Right.
Your left is short.
Well, what difference does it make?
Left to right, right to left if you leave it short.
Right.
That's a four for three at Brady.
I win the hole, so yours is a gimme.
Come on, come on, let's get going.
I can see that bankroll just waiting to jump into my pocket.
You're absolutely right. Slow play is the bane of golf.
I tell you what, let's play a speed hole.
Absolutely right.
Speed hole.
Speed hole?
Speed hole.
Nice putt.
I wonder what happened to him.
Well, it's not easy picking up the knacker playing a speed hole.
Tell me about it.
The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery.
And only one secret has emerged, one swing thought that always works.
And that thought is, don't think.
But you can't just forget not to think.
You must remember not to remember to think.
And you must not remember that you forgot to remember.
It's a lot not to think about.
But even if you sometimes forget not to forget not to think about your swing,
there are ways to help your opponent remember to think about his.
I'm swinging like a rusty gator.
I've got no timing, no rhythm.
I ever wish I had your swing.
Brad, would you mind, do we have the camcorder?
Always.
Brad, would you mind, I hope this is not an imposition,
but I'd like to film your swing.
You have the most incredible swing I've ever seen.
Now you have the precision of a Tom Watson,
you've got the steadiness of a Jack Nicklaus, the awesome power of Peter Oosterhaus.
John Daly.
John Daly. Really, you know, I'd like to have a record of it so I could study it myself.
Well, I guess that would be okay.
All right, good.
Just hold it, just a minute.
You want to take a look at this?
Look at that stance.
Perfection.
And the grip, the thing of beauty.
Bad cartilagin swing, take one.
All right, hold it, hold it.
We're rolling.
All right, action.
Hey, what?
I'm a little out of focus, I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Oh, Brad, you were wonderful, just great.
What a beautiful drive.
Look, now, Brad, you're out there now, so would you do me a favor?
Could you just do some practice swings, please, for me, for Michael Jordan?
All right, good.
Action.
No, Brad, you're all wrong.
What's the matter with that?
No, you're great.
I think that you're thinking too much, let yourself go.
Don't swing the club, let the club swing you.
Right.
Take four.
Take nine.
Take 21.
35.
48.
Brad, you're not bringing the club up as high as I normally do.
You feel that, don't you?
Again, again.
A superb natural swing.
I've never seen anything like it.
Beautiful.
Absolutely fabulous.
You all right?
I'm fine.
Brad, you were just wonderful back there in front of the camera.
Did you ever think about having an acting career, you know?
To be or not to be?
To put it hard, to put it soft, that is the question.
To roll the pallid sphere, not knowing where per chance it may repose.
O base, vile green, that hath such breaks upon it,
why dost thou punish men with such deceptive signs?
In, in, sweet sphere and flights of angels, speed thee to thy home.
Please.
Thou rude and feckless blob of rubberstuff,
how canst thou come so close and still not fall?
Will you shut up?
No, I don't want an acting career.
I hate actors.
I've never seen an actor who could golf for beans anyway.
Brad, I didn't mean anything by that.
It's just that back there, I thought you did a wonderful job of acting.
I'm not an actor.
I'm a golfer and a damn good one too.
And after today, you'll remember my performance
long after the Academy Awards are dead and buried.
Brad, I didn't realize that you were so sensitive.
It's a game.
You can't really let a game take you over, you know.
The game never takes me over, pal.
But on your next trip to the bank, you'll find out how much it takes you over.
Now, let's get on with it.
You all right?
You sure didn't have a good line in that putt, Brad.
Is that my marker?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
All right, that's a four for a three.
Best you can do is a par, Brad.
It has been said that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
So it must follow then that roses are red and violets are blue,
and I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
A man of average stature with nothing but a cape, a sword, and a pair of cajones
fights and kills a huge rampaging bull weighing as much as a half a ton.
Now, how is that possible?
Of course, it takes courage, daring, bravado,
but most of all it requires the ability to understand the nature of the beast you're dealing with.
If you can see into his mind, it doesn't matter how big he is or how hard he charges,
he will be putty in your hands.
It's all a matter of knowing what makes your opponent tick.
Time to apply to repellent.
Great Scott, I forgot. This is the hole, isn't it?
Yeah.
What is that stuff?
Dianesty, dephalene.
You better go ahead and spray yourself too.
This is the only surefire protection against a deathhead tick.
The what tick?
The death... Didn't you check the bulletin board back at the club?
This is what they recommend.
It's a small biting bug about the size of a period at the end of a sentence.
Ioxides...
Domini.
Ioxides domini.
Under a microscope, the shape of its back is like a skull,
which is why they call it the deathhead tick.
Well, isn't that great?
They must have a wonderful time at Halloween.
You don't have any repellent?
No.
Uh...
Sorry, we're empty.
We better skip the hole.
Not on your life, pal.
There's no way you're going to be able to say this wasn't an official 18 hole match.
You want to quit, you forfeit the match, you lose the bet.
Look, look, you go right ahead.
We're the ones who are protected.
You're not.
What happens when one of these things bites you?
From the bulletin board back at the clubhouse,
high fever, seizures, paralysis, gangrene, short-term memory loss,
they even suspect that the tick is a carrier of leprosy.
Just a minute.
Hold on.
Now, right up there, by that tall tree,
see, just to the left of it, you see that little dark cloud?
That's a tick swarm.
No.
Right up there.
I don't see it.
Just to the right-hand side of the tall tree.
Ow!
Something...
What is it?
An ear!
It was a swarm of them right by his head.
Here, get back.
Something in my ear.
Hold on.
That would be the worst place to get one of those ticks in that ear canal.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Well, that doesn't.
We'll skip the hole.
Oh, no you don't.
I'll tee off from the blues.
There's no way you're going to get out of this match.
Go ahead.
It's your funeral.
Where are these ticks likely to be?
Under the trees?
They can be all over.
Just hope that they're not around your ball.
It's the repellent that keeps them away.
Now, look, if you're going to play your ball,
get out of here fast, get your club fast, get over there fast, hit fast,
and don't pick up a divot and don't knock any dust up in the air
because you'll knock thousands of them up in the air all over your body.
Look, if you want to quit, that's up to you,
but you insisted playing this hole, you know, so it'll be a forfeit.
No way, Buster.
Get out of the way.
They're everywhere.
All over.
Turn around.
Don't let them get in there.
Come out of the car.
Get out of the car.
Get in there.
Damn, they're all over.
I feel like they're all over me.
What do these things look like?
Like little brown spots, freckles.
Oh, my God.
There's one and another, and here's one here.
Calm down, calm down.
See if they're moving.
If they're not moving, then they're dust, specks, or freckles.
Unless they've burrowed underneath your skin,
then you'll have a little tail sticking out,
or maybe it'll look like a hair.
What?
Tell you the truth, he's got a lot of hair on his arm.
Yeah, he sure does.
I knew we shouldn't have played this hole.
What'd we stop for?
It's your ball out there, but the second shot didn't go too far.
Got him.
Forget about the ball.
Just drive on.
What, are you quitting?
No way.
I'm just conceding the hole.
I'm not forfeiting the game.
We still have an official match.
All right, fine.
Zen Buddhism, the ancient Japanese spiritual tradition,
is filled with paradoxes, puzzles, contradictions.
Does a tree that falls unnoticed in the forest make a noise?
What is the sound of one hand clapping or one mind snapping?
The proud man of skill is defeated by the inspired ineptitude of the clown.
Or as the great 12th century poet Sushi Toro says,
Toro moguro hamachi saki uniyu unagi yakitori sukiyaki.
Translated, never give a sucker an even break.
What the?
I'm gonna get a woman's tea.
He goes a little haywire now and then.
Thinks he's Lizzie Borden.
He's got a steel plate in his head, you know.
Old war wound.
Look, to keep this thing even, you can tee off from up there, too.
I got this little cocktail number here, and believe me, it's you.
I'm not gonna wear a stupid dress.
Okay, suit yourself.
No skin off my nose.
But humor him.
He can get violent.
I once saw him beat a professional wrestler to a pulp with his purse.
Yeah!
Hey!
Okie dokie.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe I hit my...
I hit it in the water.
I can't believe I drove the green.
Ed, look, you almost did it.
Well, you'd have to be a very gifted golfer to get that ball out of there.
I don't even think Jack Nicklaus could get that ball out.
Would require monumental skill.
Not just skill, we'd take genius.
Now, you're a very gifted golfer yourself, Brad, but I don't think that you have the power to execute that shot.
But of course, if you can hit the ball and put it in the green, then go for the birdie and make it, then you might win the hole.
But no, no, I think it would be impossible.
Well, I don't know about that.
If you can make that shot, that will go down as the greatest shot in golf history.
Well, get ready to see history made.
Appearances are often deceiving.
Things are not always what they seem.
You may think that you have a clear vision of reality, but the mind can play tricks on you.
And the easiest people to fool are fools already.
All right, we are going to get one thing straight right now.
From now on, we are going to play normal, proper golf.
And we're playing strictly by the rules.
And I'm doubling my bet.
And from now on, I'm keeping score.
I always play by the rules.
Now, when you say that you're going to play strictly by the rules, do you mean all the rules?
You can bet your safety deposit box, that's what I mean.
We're going to play by all the rules.
Absolutely.
All the rules.
Play by all the rules.
You hackers.
You think you play golf by the rules?
You don't even know what they mean.
You don't play golf, you play flog.
That's golf spelt backwards.
Delay of game, five yard penalty.
You touch my ball one more time and I'm going to...
Unsportsmanlike conduct.
15 yards.
You miserable excuse for a caddy.
I am going to wring your neck.
I don't want any continuation of this type of behavior, mister.
And I'm sending you to the shower.
If you wish to quit, you lose the match and forfeit the bet.
Quit.
Forfeit.
Pruney greeny way buster.
Unlegitimate.
A little notion.
10 yards.
Constitution.
If Van Cortland can sink this pot, it will certainly be one of the greatest comebacks in the history of golf.
Van Cortland has a 35 foot pot.
It's going to break to the right, then to the left.
So the direction must be perfect and the speed of the pot must be perfect.
If he puts the ball too hard, it will go past the hole.
If he puts it too softly, then it will come up short.
Of course, if he puts it hard and to the right, then he will go past, on the right, past the hole.
If it should be on the left, then he will go left past the hole and then continue left
because it's a double break in the green from right to left.
If Van Cortland makes the putt, he'll go one up.
That will put a lot of pressure on Nielsen.
If he were being paid a salary, he'd certainly earn it here.
Yes!
Van Cortland makes the putt and wins the hole.
You can't predict when and where the decisive moment in any battle will occur,
but you know it when you see it.
The final test, the critical moment.
There's a sudden rush of adrenaline, the overwhelming urge to go behind a bush
and answer nature's age-old call to arms.
And in that final accounting, when we are put on the scales and weighed and shrink-wrapped
and competitively priced, when our scorecards are added up, will we be able to say,
there by God went a man to be reckoned with, a man of whom it might be said,
in the memorable words of that immortal poet, to strive, to seek,
to something, something, something, and not to yield.
You call ahead about the Mongos?
Yeah, it'll be waiting for us at the green. We can feed it then.
We'd better. We should have fed it an hour ago.
I hope nobody's fiddling with that cage. You remember what happened in Florida?
Oh, yeah. It was burned all over.
Mongos?
Yeah, fastest animal in the world. We use it to kill snakes.
Like a cross between a Tasmanian devil and a wolverine.
You know about a wolverine. It'll take food from a lion.
It's got jaws on it like a hyena can crush bones.
It goes straight for the jugular vein all the time. It's so fast.
They call it the merciful killer.
It's so fast that it's over before you know it hit you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you feed whatever you want to feed.
Just remember, we got to press double or nothing.
Glove, what time is it?
It's late.
Yes, it is late. He should have been fed a long time ago.
He's going to have a voracious appetite.
Please, please, please.
Now, listen. This is a very dangerous animal here.
Look at the claw!
Bob, you'll keep the boy back. This is no place for kids.
I'm sorry.
Now, look, I'd rather you weren't here,
but if you want to watch, then stay back and be quiet.
It's the fastest animal in the world.
They use it for killing snakes.
And this is a very dangerous time. This is feeding time.
And he's hungry.
Got the meat?
If he should get out, just turn and run as fast as you can.
This is 15 pounds of beef. It's got a bone in it.
He's hungry. He'll go through this in 15 seconds,
including the bone.
Don't call him the prairie piranha for nothing.
Mommy!
What's going on?
I've never done that before.
We should have fed him sooner.
I'll go back and get more meat.
I saw the side of beef in the kitchen.
Maybe if we threw a blanket over it.
Blanket? You need a cyclone fence.
Let me try to give him a little meat first.
Okay, fella. All right.
Okay, all right.
Run, my man!
Hold it right here, fellas.
Mr. Van Cortland has asked me to give this money to you.
Is that right, Brand?
Brand, is that right?
Thank you. The children thank you.
Thank you.
Bless you.
Ah!
Feed all.
Find golfer.
A man brought low by his inner flaws,
his overweening pride,
his stubborn belief in his own invincibility.
The Greeks had a word for it.
Peripetes.
A sudden reversal of fortune.
A fall of a haughty man at the hands of fate.
Yes, those whom the gods wished to destroy,
they first teach how to play golf.
And what can we learn from this epic tale?
If we do not study history, can we study some simpler course instead,
like Spanish or auto repair,
or like Oedipus, who killed his father and married his mother,
back in the days when family values were more than just an empty phrase?
Are we doomed to ponder the Sphinx's timeless question?
Answer me, oh foolish mortal.
What is this?
Only to return once again to the age-old answer,
I do not know, but here it comes again.
Transcribed by ESO, translated by —