Two months ago, Channel 9 and Channel 7 embarked on a brave new project, how to cash in on
the panel. It was the surprise success of 98 and the bandwagon had to be jumped on.
Channel 9 is currently running its version, the super debate, whilst Channel 10 caught
up in the frenzy, forgot it already had the panel and bought Good News Week. So what's
Channel 7 got on offer? Well tonight Emma Tom looks at women and wheels, there's a
heated debate on the IOC and Richard Stubbs tells you what the papers didn't say. I'm
John Safran, welcome to the panel, The Late Report.
Good evening. Now as you probably know, Shane Warne was a 40 a day man and we're not just
talking Chico Rolls. Warne loved the fags. The problem was he had an image to live up
to and all that smoking was bringing his weight down. But giving up hasn't been easy.
John Safran reports. Shane Warne, international cricketer and weatherman, has signed an advertising
contract with Nicorette Nicotine Patches that will pay him $200,000 if he gives up cigarettes.
Now the Quick Book says that giving up is next to impossible, requiring great support
and compassion from those around you. So it shouldn't be too hard to push Warne over the
edge. In this high tech age, the best way to get a message across to a player still
remains a good old fashioned banner. This Warne, remember that soothing, relaxing feeling
when drawing that banner, should achieve some preliminary cravings. Sadly, before Warne
even had time to start licking his nicotine patches, the boys in blue, or yellow, told
us to cut it out. Not discouraged, we returned that night. When Shane Warne arrives at training
tomorrow, he'll find we've replaced his stumps with a set of jumbo sized Peter Stibesons,
the international passport to smoking pleasure. A few hours sleep, but next morning the mission
continues. When in Melbourne, the Australian cricket team choose to stay at the Hilton
Hotel. And these are the rooms they choose to stay in. The Quick Book says even the smell
of a cigarette can make you crave one. We've decided to leave our own delicious aroma.
Another day, another match. Now the Quick Book says to avoid social situations when
those around you are smoking, as this can often lead to temptation. Now no doubt Shane's
teammates have been instructed not to light up around him, so we've brought along our
own special mechanised cricket seagull. Unfortunately, I have no filmed evidence that I did actually
drive a smoking remote control seagull onto the MCG grounds. More unfortunately, the police
do have evidence, and even though the fuzz eventually gave back the camera, they are
yet to return the tape. Sadly, the bird was denied bail and remains incarcerated. Now
everyone knows a tradesman who once did a job at a famous person's house. Unfortunately
for Shane Warne, we know a tradesman who once did a job at his. And he was more than willing
to hand out Shane's home address in one of Victoria's more expensive beachside suburbs.
If you shop around, you can hire a mobile billboard for as little as $100. Upon arriving
home, Shane will find this one parked outside. If this doesn't work, considering Shane's
track record, there's only one thing that will. An Indian and a briefcase full of cash.
Shane Warne, $5,000 if you smoke these cigarettes. $5,000. Shane Warne, $5,000.
Shane, you've avoided me for days. But tell me you're not craving for one. Tell me you're
not begging to draw back on that rich smooth taste. And when you finally feel like you're
just about to break, remember, just pull out that quick book and use the pages for rollies.
I hate to state the obvious, but word has it that the jailbirds sang. After two hours
with the Victorian police and a couple of phone books, the seagulls spilt the beans
and told them everything, including the fact that John Safran is not a natural blonde.
After the break, Stubbsie tells us what the hell's going on. Enjoy the ads, watch and
consume.
They just adopted a baby. Morning, little man. But Greg wasn't expecting Dahmer's family
tradition. Who are all these people? Oh, they're gonna help us with the baby. And Mother-in-law
isn't happy either. Gregory, why do you let these lunatics control your life? That's your
mother's job. Who are you calling a lunatic, you catalog hag? Don't you sass me, young
man. Dahmer and Greg, followed by two guys a girl in a pizza place, Thursday.
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I want to say how profoundly sorry I am for what I said and did. I did not have sexual
relations with that woman.
It's great that Bill Clinton isn't he? I can't see a shot of him without imagining his hips
going like an old collie, even when there's nothing there. He's probably not like that
at all. It's not what I wanted to talk to you about. I've been scanning through the
papers over the last few weeks and I've got some disturbing stuff from the news. Look,
I've done them on the big one. It started off this. It doesn't look like much in itself.
Police Pro, New Whiskey Hall. Container of Jack Daniels knocked off and at first I just
thought, yeah, fair enough, as you would. I think if you had your options, you would
knock off a container of it and the only people really need to be scared were, I guess,
the people on Coca-Cola Island. They probably went on full alert, you know, because these
blokes are going to want to mix it. Probably blokes there with searchlights up on the island.
Keep back. Keep the coke in sight. I've probably gone too far with the whole idea.
Look, I'll tell you what I'm about here. I'm sensing that Australian crime has taken a
turn for the worse. There's a number of bizarre crimes being committed that didn't appear
Jack Daniels container. There's one. Here's one. 48 grand with a perfume knocked off.
I couldn't understand this except it's a few days before Valentine's Day. I think it's
either Bill Clinton or it's someone who's in a lot of trouble and needed to give a lot of perfume.
There was a weird one. There was bee rustling up and down the East Coast of Australia.
Bee rustling. Where do you get that from? Who sits around on the couch and goes,
Now, the real money, bees. They're untraceable. They all look alike, even to other bees.
It's the perfect crime. I don't see how the cops could have not caught these people.
Surely they're just looking for like two guys with really lumpy faces and a buzzing in the boot.
You know, isn't that what they're searching for? How do you mark your own bee? How do you brand it?
Worse, how embarrassed are you riding herd on the bee? I mean, you know, I used to love
Westerns, but it's somehow different when there are little boxes playing the harmonica.
Finally, my view that Australian crime is organised, but weird is the proof positive.
Thieves tow away rare wine tanker. A 140 grand tanker, the only one of its kind in Australia,
has been stolen from a transport depot. Thieves forced entry, hitched the tanker to their own
prime mover and towed it away. Just sitting there. It was silver with dark green undercarriage.
Not even registered, and they knocked it off. The cops go,
yeah, we believe the thieves may have ties to the transport industry.
Yeah, and I reckon that lake's going to make detective one day. He worked that out himself.
How do you figure? What I'm saying is, what the hell is going on? What sort of weird crimes are these?
What happened to good old bank robberies? What happened to plane hijackings?
What's this all about? A silver tanker that's not even registered gets knocked off.
I have a horrible feeling they're all linked. I have a horrible feeling there's some Napoleon
of crime that's trying to link them all into one incredible mastermind ploy like,
the casinos get knocked off because we get the guards pissed on Jack Daniels,
and then we pump cheap perfume and bees through the air conditioning,
and when everyone runs screaming, what's that smell? My god, the stinging, the stinging,
and the guards are pissed on the floor, they put hoses in, they siphon the dough out,
and they pump it into the tanker, clean getaway. That's what I'm saying.
What I'd like to tell you though, I just don't think our cops are seeing the big picture.
I'm going to keep an eye on this sort of stuff. There's weirdness afoot.
Speaking of which, it's probably now time to find out what the papers don't say.
Now to do this, I'd like to introduce you to a raconteur, a bon vivant, a cook, author, lead singer,
and a sophisticated man about town. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our resident expert on everything,
Damien Lovelock, ladies and gentlemen.
Damien, welcome. You're looking stunning, and actually Damien, where are you?
I'm in the female change room at the Olympic swimming pool in Homebush.
But you know, it's not technically speaking the Olympics we wanted to talk about.
You know, it's the end of the cricket season, start of the footy season.
We thought it was a good time to sit down and just have a look at how our teams went and how they could go.
What are your thoughts? What are your thoughts on the starting eleven for John Howard?
Well, I think there's a lot of problems there, and I think a lot of people think that way.
I'm not Robinson Crusoe. There's kind of this sense that they've got lots of, you know, the hard yards people,
you know, club player of the year. They've got a whole team full of club player of the year.
But where's the idea? You know, what are you going to do except run in a straight line and try and beat the other team?
I know what you're saying. You're referring to, I mean, we're not the only ones,
whereas the big article, Dullard's abound on Howard's front bench.
You know, this isn't a, and look at Tweedledum and Tweedledee there. Beautiful.
I'm so relaxed. They're leading the country.
On the Liberal front bench, can it do anything, Damien? Where can it go? What's the deal with it?
Well, you just have this feeling that, you know, there's more question marks than light bulbs going on above the heads.
And that's a bit of a worry. And their whole plan of attack,
like if they're a cricket team, they've got Mad Dog Reef opening the bowling from both ends,
doing, you know, six bumpers and overs straight at your head. And that's it.
And everybody else is going to follow him. And if that doesn't work, we'll take a short break, come back and do it again.
What about Labor? How are you rating the Labor front bench? I can only name two.
If liberals are so bad, how bad is Labor if they can't get them?
Well, exactly. I think Labor's in the kind of rebuilding thing, team-wise.
You know, they've gone out on the transfer market, pulled in a big name. That hasn't fired yet, but we know it will.
That's our Cheryl.
Yeah. And then I think just the whole thing with Labor, they're kind of waiting for the libs to fall over.
And Amanda Vanstone playing the straight bat. I mean, the whole thing...
She is.
The whole thing on the drug thing just kills me. Like, it's not working. Everybody agrees it's not working.
Even the smugglers agree it's not working. So what are you going to do?
Let's do it again, exactly the same. Why mark with a winning formula?
Yeah, absolutely. I understand what you're saying.
You know, I think we're going to need a mid-year check on the team's positioning as well, if you can do that for us.
But right now, thank you, Damian Lovelock. Put your hands together for him.
Thank you, Damian.
Now, don't forget, you can check out our website. And this is The Late Report.
Thank you.
Oh, g'day.
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She wears a gold ring on her finger.
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And I'm so glad it's mine.
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With today's shock news that 80% of all flight paths have been redirected over this single suburb, residents are up in arms with the level of aircraft noise.
Looking for a new house? With the biggest choice, you'll always find something better in Harold Classifieds.
It is being perceived by the gay community out there.
And it was Tinky Winky's turn to wear the skirt.
Parents are aware of what their children are watching.
Let us don't need to be unhappy.
I have with me a copy of John Howard's Federation Address, the speech in which he proposed getting tough and possibly removing the dull from unemployed people with low literacy skills.
Now, one of the times to really watch your literacy skills is when releasing a document on literacy skills.
Unfortunately, if we take the big red pen to the Howard speech, the news isn't all that good.
Now, this sentence starts well, but by the fourth word, we're already getting in some grammatical hot water.
Look carefully and there's something missing. Yep, that's right.
That's right. This sentence hasn't got a verb. A doing word. And we all need our doing words.
All of us accountable should have been all of us are accountable.
And if the Prime Minister were in Grade 6, he'd be writing the whole thing out 50 times.
Now, the next sentence, apart from being one of the most boring sentences ever written, also contains a split infinitive.
Now, an infinitive is one of those to-something words, like to run, to skip or to Howard bash.
Now, the rule is that you can't put anything between the two and the Howard bash,
so you can't say to gratuitously Howard bash, but you can say to Howard bash gratuitously.
The split infinitives are a bit technical. Spelling certainly isn't.
There are probably two ways of spelling the word millennium. You can go with one N or you can go with two.
Now, not wanting to alienate the electorate, the Prime Minister's Department has decided to have a bet each way.
Mr Howard wants life to be one long spelling bee, and now he should have to play.
If he ends a sentence with a preposition, let's take his government car.
If he forgets I before he accepts after C, we'll kick him out of the lodge.
Mr Howard, we're sick of you strutting around like a self-important little gnome, and remember, gnome has a silent G.
And now to one of those print journalist types who's never split an infinitive in her life.
Emma Tom tells us why two wheels are better than four.
So you want to learn to ride a motorbike? Hey, maybe you don't, but I did.
I'm interested in economical commuting, flaming the ozone layer, reducing petrol consumption,
and I also heard that it bumps up your chances of getting a roof.
As far as I'm concerned, motorbikes are just elaborate fashion accessories.
It is like a lippy only, a bit harder on your mouth.
I'm here today at Sandown Park in Melbourne for Women and Wheels, a chicks-only motorcycling extravaganza.
Before you get on your first bike, you've got to do your research.
Okay, well, I've got all these questions, and hold on.
Born to sin, the mag for psychopathic motorcycle hoodlums.
Now what have these boys got to offer the novice rider?
How to pick up sheilas and root them on your bike.
On your boys? I think I'm ready to get on a bike.
It seems that in the world of motorcycling, it's fairly important to flash your breasts as often as possible.
Well, no, not really.
I mean, does this take a lot of practice?
I mean, when you see a Harley Davidson bike roll past you, you have the uncontrollable urge to whip up your shirt and expose your breasts.
I mean, I see you out in the track in full leathers, and yet I turn to a professional bike magazine,
and this is the look that they're recommending for the female rider.
What areas of the body are receiving protection here?
Oh, her vital areas, I think, Emma.
Now, how about these stiletto heels? What sort of protection do they provide out the track?
Absolutely none, but they look good, don't they?
How often have you picked up a sheila and rooted them on your bike?
Fingers to count them.
So, show me, how's it done? Like, can you do it while you're riding, or do you have to lend it up against a pole or something?
You can do it while you're riding.
Yeah, well, get off and show me.
Sit like that, and you can sit forwards or backwards.
Oh, so there's a more than one option?
Oh, yeah.
So, what do you do, toss a coin and see who rides in the wet spot afterwards?
Okay, well, I've got the look, I've done the research, I've read the literature, which was very helpful,
and now I'm ready to ride my first bike.
600cc's of raw, um, scenes. Anyway, let's go.
That was great, it was fantastic, and I think I'm getting the hang of it.
I've got big bad Ralph here in the bitch seat, and after all this riding, I'm feeling a bit hackish.
Hey Ralph, go and get us a sausage roll, would you love?
And, uh, don't talk to anyone on the way, okay?
Hey Ralph, Ralph, show us your tits.
It's dying in a hideous bike crash, isn't it, Usain?
Why not consider plummeting to earth in a hot air balloon?
Richard Branson is making one more attempt to circumnavigate the world, he joins Richard Stubbs.
Thank you Tony.
Hello, Mr. Branson.
Hello Richard, how are you?
I'm terrifically well.
That's great.
Can you hear me okay?
Yes, thank you.
Now, you've already failed in your round the world attempt several times.
Failed? No, they've all gone perfectly to plan.
Really? What's your plan?
Oh simple, we float up in the air, we fly along for a few meters, then crash into the sea.
Bob around for a little while and wait for the Aussie rescue ships to pluck us from the ocean.
All at the Australian taxpayers' expense of course.
Then I'll get on the news and announce the date of our next attempt.
That all sounds a bit pointless.
Well, it is.
Then why are you doing it?
Well, I'm not doing it for the likes of money and I just love pissing it up against a wall.
I've thrown it off buildings, I've fed it to my horse, I've wiped my arse with it.
But there's nothing better than buying a multi-million dollar balloon and crashing it into the sea.
Yes, yes, I suppose.
So, Richard, what are you doing after this attempt?
After this attempt? Well, after this, I'll do it again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
99 attempts, always crashing in the sea, wasting everybody's time with 99 balloon attempts.
Okay.
Thank you. Thank you now. Thank you. Thank you, Rich Pratt.
And back to you, Tony.
Thanks, Richard. After the break we uncover corruption, scandal and bribery.
You're watching The Late Report.
Maggie, how did it feel?
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Accident. Chinese restaurant.
It looks pretty serious, Doctor.
Hmm, it's very greasy.
I was using chopsticks.
Yes, they can be lethal in the wrong hands, young man.
Can you save it, Doctor? It's my favourite shirt.
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There's only one problem.
This February, see the film Premier Magazine calls the best movie of 1998.
Did you invite that kid to your party?
Come on, Dad, there's gonna be girls there. I'd rather die.
Pull your head out of here.
She shared her body, mind and soul with him.
To kill this girl, you have to love her.
Now he wants her dead.
Buffy is next.
The National Anthem of Australia.
Welcome to The Last Word.
Tonight we're discussing the IOC bribery scandals and in particular Salt Lake City.
How exactly did they get the Winter Olympics?
Well this week a list of bribes has surfaced and Richard, Emma, it's a pretty interesting read.
I think we've got it there.
The Super Bowl, Las Vegas, Niagara Falls, Disneyland, luggage and clothing pet dogs. Richard?
Pet dogs is right where it gets terrifying.
Pet dogs and pet dogs don't stand alone as being freakish and weird.
Have a look at the second list.
Now if you're going for corruption scandals, do you go for curtains and hardware?
Bathroom fixtures.
I'm on the phone saying I won't change my vote unless you give me the doorknobs.
Looks like they're in the gift shop of Wheel of Fortune.
It's a humiliation, that's what it is.
You look at those sort of things and Phil Coles, our IOC boy, he's allegedly done something a bit dodgy with the trips.
And I think that was brought out in the fourth trip when he didn't even make it to Salt Lake City.
He just allegedly went straight to the Super Bowl. He wasn't trying.
Well he was checking out the Looz run at Space Mountain.
He was saying that's a pretty good simulation of what we're going to see on the Looz.
Guys, guys, guys, you've got it all wrong. You've got it all completely wrong.
This is not an actual list of bribes.
Haven't you watched James Bond? These are code words.
They're euphemisms, like when you ring up a phone sex line and the invoice comes from Acme Cleaning Services.
Look, pet dogs, curtains and hardware, bathroom fixtures.
There's your rooms at the door, Chester. There's your hot and cold run in Caldwell.
There's your personalised missile launch.
Because this was embarrassing corruption.
If you're going to go for corruption, you want the words 42 million next year, not the brands with the doorknobs.
Actually, I think that the sad truth is that in the Mormon capital of Salt Lake City, doorknobs are very much the reality.
That the Mitre 10 catalogue is basically what we're drawing on over there.
And so basically it is doorknobs.
And I, in fact, I've been going around the Channel 7 corridors and I reckon doorknobs are rife in the Olympic movement.
Channel 7 have got the Olympics for the last 50 odd years or whatever.
Because there's doorknobs everywhere. I reckon they've been on the take.
That's a strong word. I don't see that you could possibly make that link, although I will agree with that.
I think everyone agrees there are some enormous knobs at 7.
Incredibly. But I can't all be this doorknob. Have you uncovered something with doorknobs? Is that what you're saying?
I've been out looking. It's true. I went down to Kevin Gosper's house this afternoon. I was just looking.
I'm not saying anything. But I shot some stuff.
Oh God.
I'm conducting some doorknob surveillance here at Kevin Gosper's house.
And whilst I wouldn't want to allege any improper dealings, have a look at that.
Bromzed, carved, antiquey. It's one of the most profoundly beautiful doorknobs I've ever seen.
And it doesn't stop there either. If we glance a bit to the right, yup. Another newer golden doorknob.
So that's the news down here at the Gosper door. One door, two doorknobs.
I can't believe it. You know, this weird doorknob fixation you've got has gone to new heights.
How could you possibly link poor old Kevin Gosper who must be as honest as the day he's long?
He's a terrific bloke. Good to his mum.
I don't know what's scarier. I mean, Gosper having two knobs or him hanging out in the front yard with a pair of binoculars.
These bunny racers around the world, they'll make a three minute doco on anything.
It was a bit of a long bow. I think Kevin's pretty clean, but I don't know.
You'll be monitoring his knobs. Thank you. Somebody had to do that joke.
But one thing's for sure, they're not going to go away before the year 2000.
We're going to stay on top of them, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, and all the household furnishings we can muster.
Join us next week. You've been watching The Late Report. Good night.
Yup.
APPLAUSE