Good morning. I'd like to start the morning by asking a question since we're going to
be talking about difficult people. How many of you work with really difficult people?
Show of hands. Okay. All right. Don't point. One of the things that we're going to be looking
at today is not only difficult people, we're going to look at how people are difficult.
Some people are difficult because they're autocratic dictators. They are bullies. Some
people withhold information. We're going to be talking about not only the styles, but
we're also going to be looking at the particular reasons that they continue this kind of behavior,
the payoffs, if you will. After we've talked about the payoffs, we're going to be looking
at specific tools you can look at, you can use, specific tools you can use to get the
best results. But before you do this, we have to consider one other element. What are the
strategies to work with these people? Let's talk about some of the behaviors first. First
of all, let's identify some of the behaviors. They may manifest their negative or their
difficult behavior in a know-it-all. You ever work with know-it-alls? People that it's my
way or the highway. The challenge here is that these people want to get things done.
Their idea is that it has to be done my way. Some of these people are quick to the point,
don't waste my time. But if you have some information to share with them and they don't
give you the time, it could create a problem. We have people that either, maybe they just
complain. How many of you work with chronic complainers? We're going to talk about chronic
complainers. I'm not talking about the ones that just come in once in a while. I'm talking
about the ones that come in your office and have what I like to call a wine and cheese
party. You ever get these people in? Yeah. Well, some of the people withhold information.
Some of the people don't interact. You ever have people that talk the talk but don't walk
the walk? You ever have people that are always making commitments but they really don't follow
through on them? Well, they do this for a number of reasons. If we're going to look
at these behaviors, we've got to look at one other aspect. Why do they continue the behaviors?
Now, if we look at why someone does something, generally people continue behavior if it gets
them the results. If they continue to get the results with this behavior, it will continue.
It will continue. So we're going to talk about some of the game playing that goes on and
how to shut down some of the game playing. Because some of these people have their graduate
degree in manipulation, do they not? They are pros. And sometimes you can't beat a pro,
but what you can do is you can shut down some of the game playing. In order to do this,
we need to look at four key areas. What are our options? Four options. We need to look
at four options. First option, if you're going to deal with people, you can either try and
change the people or fix the problem. Now, have any of you ever tried to change someone
that doesn't want to change? Any of you ever change? I know people that are getting married
that do this. Makes for really interesting first marriage, doesn't it? See, the reality,
folks, is that most of us know that we're not going to be able to change someone that
doesn't want to change. A second option is that we can live with it. We can accept that
this is how the person is going to be and we can choose to live with it. A third option,
and it is a viable option, is to leave it. Do you know people that have left either a
relationship or a job because they just didn't want to put up with some of the people that
were there, some of the game playing that's there? Now, those are three options, but we're
going to be talking today about a fourth option. And the fourth option is probably one that
we need to work on a little harder. And the fourth option is simply looking at changing
attitude and behavior. Attitude and behavior. Now, since we can't change their attitude,
since we agree we can't change their behavior, whose behavior do we need to work on? Our
own. Whose attitude? Our own. Now, if you think about it, people that have an attitude,
they exhibit certain behavior. For instance, a person that has a very positive attitude
may be a solution-oriented person, may be a person that gets there on time, is dependable,
does what they're going to say they're going to do. But then we have people that have an
attitude. I want everyone to think about someone you know that has an attitude. I want to get
them in your mind. Now, what type of behavioral language do they send out when they have an
attitude? Well, if we're going to learn to deal with these, if we're going to look especially
at adjusting our attitude and our behavior, we've got to have some strategies. Some of
you have to deal with people and it's more on a survival basis. You ever feel like you
just go to work and you have to survive? I used to work with a fellow by the name of
Mike. I just came into the workplace and I'd see Mike's car and my blood pressure would
go up. It'd be like, oh, he's here. And I knew it'd be a better day if he wasn't there.
You ever have one of those? You see, Abraham Maslow talks about the hierarchy of needs.
He says our first rule is survival. And we're going to be talking about some tools today.
Abraham Maslow says that if the only tool in our toolbox is a hammer, everything looks
like a nail. Everything looks like a nail. And so our goal today is to look at what tools
you do have. You see, we're going to reinforce a lot of what you already know. But it isn't
just about having the right tool. It's about knowing which tool to use. I'll share a story
with you. One thing I learned from my dad was that I needed to get good at the things
around the house if I wanted, if he wanted them to get done. I needed to get good with
the tools. My dad had, we had some kids in our neighborhood that were mischievous. They
weren't juvenile delinquents. They were just mischievous. And they would come around and
they would turn on the outside faucets and let the water run. And we'd wake up to a yard
full of water. My dad said, we're going to fix that. So he took me outside and he reached
in this toolbox and he pulled out a screwdriver. And he took me around to all three faucets.
And he said, we're going to take off, we're going to use a screwdriver, unscrew the screw,
the Phillips screw that's holding this on, take off the handle, put it on the workbench.
And whenever we need to use that faucet, we're going to go to the workbench, get the handle,
put it on the little square section, turn it on, turn it off. And then put the handle
back. So he went out there and he pulled a screwdriver out of his toolbox. See, we needed
this to get the job done. And in dealing with difficult people, you and I have to have the
right tools to work with them. About two weeks later, he asked me to wash the car. And I
looked at him and I said, can't do it. You ever have people tell you they can't do it?
He said, why can't you do it? And I said, dad, someone lost the handles. Now dad didn't
want to get into a debate about who lost the handles. What did my dad want done? What did
he want accomplished? He wanted the car washed. So he says, is that all? He said, come here,
dad. So he went out to his toolbox and he pulled out another tool. Now Toys R Us didn't
have vice grips, but they did have pliers. And he showed me how to go out, lock a pair
of vice grips onto that faucet, that little square section, turn it on, run the water
as long as I needed it, turn it off, release and put it back. Folks, we did this for two
years. What do you think happened to that square section after two years of this? It
got rounded off, didn't it? You see, this tool did the job, but there were some side effects.
There were some side effects. See, he had another tool in his toolbox. What's this called?
Crescent wrench. What's nice about a crescent wrench, folks? It's adjustable. Do you ever
have to adjust with some of the nuts you work with? You see, we have to be flexible with
people, don't we? Those of you that have kids know this, that what works with one child
doesn't work with the other. Isn't that true? We also found that what works with one person
doesn't work with another. We found that what works with one person right now may not work
an hour from now. And so the goal is to look when we're dealing with some difficult people
is to reach in and pull out the right tool. Neither one of these tools would have done
the job had I not been able to have the screwdriver and get the screw off. And some of us don't
even want to fool with that. We just want to take that hammer out and beat that sucker
to death. So understand that today is not only about adding tools to your toolbox, but
some of you already have these tools. But one of my favorite sitcoms of all time stars
a man called Tim the Toolman Taylor. He's entitled Home Improvement. And Tim the Toolman
Taylor taught us every week that you can have the exact, the perfect tool and still not
get the results you want if you didn't use it correctly. Because he always said you need
to give it a little more what? Power. Have you ever been a little too direct with people?
Ever been not direct enough? Have you ever said something you wish you wouldn't have
said? Have you ever not said something you wish you would have said? You see folks, today
is not just about adding tools to your toolbox. It's about recognizing the tools you have
and knowing which ones to use at which particular time. There are basic steps that we can look
at when we're faced with handling a particular problem. The first step is evaluating the
situation. In evaluating a situation with a problem player, we've got to ask ourselves
three questions. And I call them the three C questions. The first C is there a consensus?
Is everyone having a problem with this person or is it just me? Because that could be maybe
a personality problem, couldn't it? Is there a consensus? Is there a continuous of the,
is there a continuation of the behavior? Is it always happening? Is it chronic? Or is
it just once in a while? Because sometimes something can happen in one's life to cause
them to behave a little different. Isn't that true? And the third C is, is it really causing
a problem? Is that person's behavior really causing a problem or is it just something
I'm not having a problem, that I'm having a problem with? So step one is evaluate. Step
two is label the behavior. Label the behavior. You see, we're going to be talking about behavioral
styles today. And in labeling the behavior, we don't want to label the individual because
all of us have been difficult at one time or another. If you think that isn't true,
let's talk to the person you spend a lot of time with. You see, the reality is we're talking
about the people that make a career out of it. We're talking about the people, when we
label behavior, if we're going to give someone feedback, if we're going to address their
particular behavior, whether it's coming into work late, telling us they're going to commit
to a project and then not doing it, maybe it's the way they're talking to us, we've
got to label the behavior. There's a term we want to become very familiar with and the
term is behavioral language. Behavioral language describes things that can be seen, heard,
and measured. It can be seen, heard, or measured. You see, it does no good to tell someone you
need to be more professional. You need to give better customer service. You need to
get your attitude right because that's too vague and nebulous, isn't it? They need to
know what they can do about their behavior. For instance, how many of you have ever been
in a restaurant and you've received terrible customer service? If you think about it, let's
say you own the restaurant and someone came up to you and they pointed at one of your
people and they said, that person gave me terrible customer service. That person was
rude. They gave me terrible customer service. What's the first question that we would ask?
If you were the manager, what would you ask? What did they do? Tell me what happened. How
can I help you? You see, you can't give the person feedback and you can't fix the problem
if you don't know what the behavior is. Isn't that true? So we've got to label not the person
but the behavior. The third step in evaluating a problem solution is we have to give up what
I call magical thinking. I call it lotto thinking. They're not going to be there tomorrow.
Trust me, they're going to be there tomorrow, aren't they? They're not going to go away.
Their behavior isn't going away. While you were here, they're being difficult with someone
else. You just got a break from it today. The fourth step is we need to take a step
back and take a look at what could we learn from this experience? Have you ever noticed
we learn a lot more from our failures than we do our successes? We learn a lot more from
our failures than we do our successes. See, it doesn't take too many times putting your
hand on a hot stove and realizing, hey, that's hot. When we look at taking a step back and
identifying what are they trying to teach us, what could we learn, we change our behavior
as we go through life, as we go through work, as we go through the day. The fifth step is
analyzing where are these feelings of uncomfortableness coming from? Is it something that you've brought
with work? Maybe you're having some other challenges in another area of your life. Maybe
there's some things in our childhood that maybe we still are unresolved. Maybe it's
any time someone, maybe that person reminds you of someone. Have you ever met someone
for the first time and automatically you like them? You didn't even meet them. You just
saw someone and you just didn't like their looks. You know, it reminds me of a story
of a fellow, you know, they say that there's always someone in the world that is your identical
twin, that is an exact double. A friend of mine saw someone in an elevator one time and
he took a double-take and he looked and he says, wait a minute, I've seen this guy. And
he says, did you chase after him? He says, no, I didn't like his looks. And I think that
sometimes, some of those things that bother us inside, we pull up. Now, the next step
is very important and it's crucial to our success in dealing with people. We've got
to strategize how we're going to work with people. So, you know, we don't want to label
people, we want to label the behavior, the behavioral style, because you deal differently
with a person that is tight-lipped and won't open up than a person that is an autocratic
dictator and tries to shove their way down your throat, don't you? You deal differently
with a backstabber than you would someone that's just always negative or just a chronic
complainer. So, you have to develop your strategy and that's why we have to label the behavior.
After we've developed our strategy, then we have to practice. We have to practice. My
coach in high school had a great phrase. He said, we drill for skill because under stress
we regress. And you know what we regress back to? Our old habits. And he said, we're going
to regress back to our old habits. Now, I'd like everyone to do something for me. I'd
like you to put your pencils down. I'd like you to stretch your fingers just a second.
Now what I'd like you to do is I'd like you to interlock your hands. Make sure one of
your thumbs is on top. Now there's going to be a quiz on this, so make sure you have the
right, you know, you have it correct. I want you to look down and notice which thumb is
on top. And in a moment I'm going to ask you to take them apart. You ready? Take them apart.
Stretch them one more time. This time when you put them back together, put your other
thumb on top. How's that feel? How's that feel? Awkward? Difficult? A little weird?
You see folks, we, keep it there. You see, we always gravitate back towards whatever
feels comfortable. You see folks, it's taken us years to become the professionals we are.
And we develop habits. Now we can do this, but we tend to gravitate back towards what's
comfortable. Let's go back to what's comfortable. How's that? This is good. This works for me.
Now I want you to look down and notice which thumb is on top in your comfortable zone.
How many of you have your right thumb on top? Okay, I just want to make sure some of you
did it correctly. Okay. Someone over here goes, whoa, folks, don't ever buy what a person
has to share with you that works for them. Because what works for me may not work for
you. Isn't that true? Here's a key concept I want you to remember. You don't have to
remember, you don't have to learn everything. You don't have to use everything you find
out. You just want to find out everything you can use. Now, what we want to look at
when we're dealing with some of these difficult people is what we can do to practice so that
we're good. Think about when you've ran into a difficult person. When you've ran into
a difficult person, ask yourself, who handles that difficult person or that difficult personality
style well? Do you know people that are a lot smoother than you are? You know people
that just seem like they can really maintain control. You admire those people, don't you?
What you might want to do is watch and notice what they do. You see, we have a tendency
to gravitate back towards what we want to do. If you've ever noticed someone in customer
service, a good customer service rep, when they are being berated and belittled by someone
that is trying to kill the messenger, what happens is that if they're being verbally
abused, there's a tendency for us down inside to get verbally abusive with them. They've
learned one technique that works, and some of you probably use this. The technique of
lowering your voice and watching your tone when you're talking to someone. Have you noticed
that sometimes if you lower your voice that it defuses some of the resistance when you're
in different people? Have you noticed that? Yeah, it works, doesn't it? It doesn't work
all the time, it's just a tool. All we want to do is we want to have as many tools in
our toolbox that we can use when we're dealing with people. Now, there's one other issue
that comes into play. The issue is that there's a lot of things that are out of our control.
There's a lot of things that are out of our control. One of the foremost consultants in
the area of personal development is a gentleman by the name of Stephen Covey. Stephen Covey
talks about a concept that he calls an emotional bank account. An emotional bank account. And
whenever we interact with people, we are either making deposits or withdrawals out of their
emotional bank account, and they're doing the same with us. Are they not? If we want
to interact with people and we want to make sure that they hear what we're saying, we
have to have a verbal check that will cash, not bounce. And that has a lot to do with
adjusting our style to work with people. Now, one other element we have to take into account
after we practice, the next step is to do it in real life. Do it in real life. You see,
if you go home and you practice one thing for 21 to 28 days, what do you develop? A
habit. Habits stay with you folks. Habits. See, we drill for skill because under stress
we regress. I had to be at that basketball practice every day because when I got out
there in the real game, and in my freshman year I played a total of 56 seconds, but I
guarantee you, if I hadn't shown up for practice, the coach would have never put me in. You
know coaches like that? See, they don't want you to get out there and drop the ball, miss
a pass, miss a basket. They want you to drill so you can get it down pat. Now, when you
practice you have to understand one other thing about Covey's concept. If you had a
pad paper, I'd like you to draw a donut. A donut. In the donut hole, I want you to write
the word control. On the outside circle, I'd like you to write the word no control. On
the outside circle represents things we have no control over. The inside circle represents
things we have control over. The outside circle, Covey calls his circle of concern. There's
a lot of things we have concerns about that we have no control over. The bureaucracy,
the game playing, whether or not people do something or don't do something, whether or
not they're there, whether or not they come in, whether or not they participate, we don't
have control over that. Some of the things are the paperwork, the system, the deadlines.
Those things are things of concern and we have to deal with those, but to the degree
that we feel out of control, we don't feel so good about ourselves. Isn't that true?
But to the degree we feel in control, we feel better about ourselves. You see, we love to
play games we're good at and we don't like to play games we're not good at. And you can
get good at any game if you practice long enough. But you have to practice and then
evaluate, does it work for me? Is this tool something I want to be able to use? Now in
order to do this, we've got to understand that there's an issue of focusing on things
that we can't control. For instance, many of you know a chronic complainer? You know
a chronic complainer? Have you ever noticed that many times they come into your office
and they always tell you what they don't like, but they don't know what they like? They know
what won't work? See, there's a disease running rampant in the business world. It's called
the Yabba disease. The Yabba disease. Do you know people that have the Yabba disease? The
Yabba disease? As soon as you offer them the solution, what's the first two words out of
their mouth? Yeah, but that won't work. Yeah, but we've tried that before. Yeah, but that
just won't work. Now all of us have the Yabba disease, but these people, it's kind of a
Yabba condition really. They have the Yabba condition. But it is chronic. And if you and
I are going to move people from being problem oriented to solution oriented, we need to
develop our strategies. Now the better you know your people, the better the strategies
are, you'll know their work. Now there's always a cost benefit relationship. See, I used to
wish things would get easier. Are they getting any easier? No. I used to focus a lot of attention
on that outside circle. I used to focus a lot of attention on that outside circle. And
I used to complain about things I had no control over. Folks, when you and I start focusing
on that inside circle and figuring out how we can get better, our whole life's changed,
don't they? Our relationships change it. I used to wish there was less work. Is there
less work? No. In the marketplace, most of us are having to do more with less. And we're
having to deal with change and resistance to change. And there's a lot of information
out there. When you look at gathering information and becoming wiser with the information, you
can go out and practice that. And then we learn from our experiences, which sometimes
prove to fail, but then we find out what doesn't work for us. Isn't that true? So when we look
at figuring out strategies to work with people, we've got to determine what it's going to
cost us and how we're going to benefit. You see, there's always a cost-benefit relationship.
It costs. How many of you have ever had the pleasure of teaching a person to drive on
a manual shift transmission car? Wasn't that a trip? I have two boys. I have an 18-year-old.
When he was 16, I taught him how to drive on a stick shift car. Now, I don't know about
here, but the worst thing you can do to a 16-year-old in Galveston, Texas, is drop him
off in front of school, in front of all his friends, give him a hug and a kiss, especially
if it's dad, or make him ride the bus to school, or make him get a ride with his friends. And
when they come by and see his car sitting in the driveway, he can't drive it. You see,
we had two cars that we owned. One was automatic, one was standard. I came home one weekend.
Alan always drove the automatic. You know why? It was comfortable, right? I came home one
week and I said, Alan, I want you to drive me to the store. He said, okay. I went out.
Guess which car he was in. Which car do you think? The automatic. Why? Because it was
comfortable. See, we gravitate back to those comfortable habits. So I looked at Alan and
I said, Alan, I came out. It was raining. He's in the automatic. He has his seat belt
on. Motor's running. Windshield wipers are going. It's raining. Now, Alan's my left
brain. Logical. Let's do what's right. And I said, Alan, I said, Alan, let's go in the
other car. He said, dad, I've got the seat belt on. Motor's running. Windshield wipers
are going and you're standing in the rain. I said, Alan, why don't you go in the other
car? I want you to practice. Well, you didn't say that. I understand, but I meant that.
You ever get an eye roll from someone? This is dumb. I went in to get my wallet. I come
back out. He's in the stick shift car. Where do you think he's sitting? Passenger seat.
Is Alan ever going to learn to drive the stick shift car in the passenger seat? No. Folks,
here's what I want you to understand. There's always a cost when we want to get something.
You see, I painted a very clear picture on the canvas of Alan's mind about what it would
cost him if he didn't. The being dropped off to school, the riding the bus, the walking
or the getting the ride, but I also painted a picture of how he would benefit. A picture
on the computer screen of his mind, if you will, about how he would benefit having independence,
being able to come and go as he chose with limitations. You see, there's always a cost
benefit relationship in everything we do. Is that not true? Alan knew that the cost
benefit relationship was worth going through the practice because of what it would do for
him or what it would cost him. And when we're developing strategies to work with people,
we have to determine what the cost benefit relationship is. Isn't that so? Is it worth
putting up with? Is it worth changing? Is it worth changing my attitude or my behavior?
You see, as we add tools to our toolbox of knowledge and develop those skills and practice
with them and get good, we always have to keep in mind that if we're going to make
deposits in their emotional bank account, we have to practice with the tools we have
and if we don't have the tools, we need to go out and get them. See, always remember
that you and I gather tools. You don't have to use everything you find out, but you do
want to find out everything you can use. Thank you.