Welcome.
We're going to talk about strategies and techniques for working with and handling difficult people
at this point.
But there's four basic principles we need to take into consideration whenever we're
talking about dealing with difficult people.
Here's the first principle.
Whenever a behavior is followed by a consequence that a person doesn't like, it begins to
stop.
Whenever a behavior is followed by a consequence that a person doesn't like, it begins to
stop.
Here's another principle, second principle.
Whatever gets measured gets done and it gets rewarded.
When things get rewarded, they get repeated.
Down in South Louisiana, we have some stories and I'm going to have to slip into my Cajun
dialect to tell you this story.
We have a boat down there called a piro, a piro, a little boat.
There's a story about this fisherman out on his piro and he's just fishing and fishing
and coming off the side of the bank of the bayou is a long snake, about eight or seven
foot long.
It's got a big old bullfrog in its mouth.
Swims across the top of the water towards the piro.
Fisherman puts his fishing pole down, reaches down and grabs that snake by the back of the
mouth, pulls it up, bullfrogging off.
Now the snake can't bite him because he has the bullfrog in there.
So he feels sorry for the bullfrog so he forces the snake's mouth open and lets that bullfrog
go.
Then he looked at the bull, at the snake and he figured, you know what, I have the problem
of his lungs.
So he reaches under the seat of his piro and he pulls out this bottle of Jack Daniel's
whiskey and he takes a couple of drops of Jack Daniel's whiskey, puts it on that snake's
tongue and lets that snake go.
He goes back to fishing and fishing.
About ten minutes later, he feels this bump upside the piro.
He looks over the side of the piro, the snake is back with two frogs in its mouth.
You see, whatever gets measured gets done, whatever gets done well gets rewarded, and
what gets rewarded gets repeated.
Isn't that true?
And sometimes when people's behavior gets rewarded, they repeat it.
You see this with kids all the time.
That leads us to our third principle of dealing with difficult people and that is that many
times behavior will get worse before it gets better.
Have you ever noticed?
When you've tried to deal with someone, they resist the change.
Behavior gets worse.
If you think this isn't true, think about that time when you were in the grocery store
line and right ahead of you was a mother and her child.
The child is sitting in the basket and has about a 12 foot arm reach and it's close
to the gum and the candy.
And the parent said, no, you can't have any.
And they've let them have it their way.
They've let them have their way up to this point.
What type of behavior do you see out of the child?
They start screaming just to get their way and it does get worse.
I don't know about you.
I bought candy for kids I didn't even know just to shut them up.
And it's amazing how sometimes people know that if they keep certain behavior up, they
can get their way.
But what happens if you withdraw that reward?
What happens is that sometimes it will get worse before it gets better.
The last principle or the fourth principle is that doing nothing is doing something.
But the challenge we have when we're dealing with people is we have to know when to do
something and when not to do something.
For instance, when you have an autocratic dictator that is telling you the way it needs
to be, do we need to interrupt that person?
Not the smartest thing.
And we'll talk about interrupting them.
If you have a person that is quiet and they won't open up and you want them to open up,
what we have to understand is that is the time to be quiet.
Here's a great tip for you.
And you'll find that this will empower you when you have someone that won't open up.
Whenever you want them to get more involved or give you some input, whether it's on a
one-on-one, in a meeting, in a conference, when you ask them a question, always pause
10 to 20 seconds after you ask the question.
Why?
Because it increases the probability dramatically they'll interact.
Have you ever heard the phrase, silence was deafening?
The silence was deafening.
Now here's another great tip to remember.
Absolutely it pays to do nothing.
If you ever want people to get it, then always pause 3 to 5 seconds just before you make
your main point.
And then make your main point because you have their attention.
It's like if you're out doing a training or a meeting.
You ever been in one of those meetings that was a total waste of your time?
You've been in one of those?
You've been in several of those?
When you're doodling or working on something else, and during the end of the meeting, all
of a sudden you realize no one's talking.
And you kind of look up as if, is it over?
But the silence got your attention, didn't it?
So there are times that do nothing, but actually it is doing something, isn't it?
So what we want to look at is some different behavioral styles.
And I'm going to break it into two groups.
The first group is called the controllers.
And there's three types of controllers.
We're going to talk about an autocratic dictator.
Do you have those?
My way or the highway?
When autocratic dictating doesn't work, they fall into what we call critical advice givers.
Critical advice givers.
And if you're not listening, then they turn into the third type of controlling person,
and that is the backstabber.
The sniper.
When you're least expecting it.
Those three ways they control.
We're also going to be talking about some other individuals that I call toxic individuals.
Do any of you work with toxic people?
They contaminate a group, and they are poisonous.
Well, what we need to understand about any type of poisonous type of behavior is that
we have to figure out what the anecdote is.
What the antidote is.
So that we can have a solution to the problem.
Now before we go into each of these, I need to give you two concepts that you need to
become very familiar with.
These two concepts will empower you immediately when you start interacting with any of the
type of individuals.
One of the concepts is a concept called blending.
Blending.
And blending is simply, blending simply says the more you are like someone, the better
they like you.
The more you and I have in common, the more likely we are to have common goals, values,
a common denominator.
For instance, have you ever noticed, how many of you are fast paced?
Fast paced.
Okay.
Have you ever been around someone that has the unique ability to make a short story?
Really?
Long?
And if they're a lot slower than you are, do you ever want to reach down and pull out
the words?
Likewise, those of us that are slower paced, does it ever irritate you when you get around
a person that sounds like an auctioneer and you can't get a word in h-y's and if you
try to, they ask you a question but they don't even pause.
You want to answer but you can't.
You turn them off within the first ten seconds, don't you?
You see, if you're slow paced, you can blend by speeding up if you're talking to a fast
paced person.
You do it all the time, don't you?
If you're fast paced, you need to slow down.
Now you'll never get as slow or fast as they are, but because you have more in common,
you're more likely to listen to each other, isn't that right?
So that's what blending is.
The second concept that we need to become familiar with, and I guarantee you this is
probably one of the most beneficial things you'll ever put to work.
You take this home and practice with it for 21 to 28 days, you will get results with people
you never thought you'd get results with.
In fact, they'll go crazy.
They'll say, what did you do, go to a seminar or something?
See the reality is it isn't some slick technique you picked up at a training, it's something
it's you, it's genuine, it's real.
The technique is called backtracking.
Backtracking.
Here's what backtracking is.
Backtracking is saying back the words that they are saying to you when you're interacting
with them.
What backtracking does is it communicates to the person, I've heard exactly what you've
said, you've validated it, you don't have to tell me anymore.
So if you have someone that's lecturing you or going on and on and you want them to stop,
you see how backtracking can be beneficial to you?
Because what you're sending the message is, if I understand exactly what you've said,
you don't need to tell me anymore.
Backtracking is a way to validate what they've said, to clarify what they've said.
Now we can paraphrase or we can put in our own words what someone said, but the challenge
is that for some people if you don't get every word right, have you ever noticed some people
say, no you didn't get that exactly right, let me explain it all over again.
Have you ever had those people?
So you see where backtracking can help out.
Well let's look at the different types of controllers first.
Let's look at an autocratic dictator.
Now what type of behaviors might we see?
These are people that are very controlling in that they like, they know it all.
It's my way or the highway.
They may tend to interrupt people.
One of the other things that you'll find about this person is that the reason they're doing
this, one of the reasons that they could be doing this, exhibiting this behavior, is that
they want it done.
They want it done.
Have you ever wanted something done and you just say, look I don't have time to delegate
it, I don't have time to do it, I want it done right, or I want it done my way, and
so you just do it.
And you don't have time for talking.
You don't have time for dialogue.
You just want to move on.
So these people tend to be fast paced as well.
Do they not?
Now, when you're interacting with an autocratic dictator, here's three steps we need to remember.
The first step is to hold your ground.
Hold your ground.
Many times the dictator will go on and on and on, and there are times when we need to interrupt.
Now one of the most effective techniques to interrupt someone is to say their name.
You say it in a, you watch the tone of your voice, you just say their name.
If you don't know their name, it's ma'am or sir, whoever you're talking to.
And if they're really on a roll, they may see you and you say, Bill?
Bill what?
I'm talking.
Bill what?
Now when they pause, folks, you've got about two sentences worth of time.
Have you ever noticed?
You've got two sentences worth of time.
That is the time when you interrupt them, you go to step three, and then you backtrack
their main points.
You want to backtrack.
You want to make sure that they know you heard what they said.
They want to be validated.
Now the one thing we need to consider though when we're dealing with someone like this
is that if you have your point of view, you can state your point of view and with this
person, first of all, backtrack and validate what they've said and then make some I statements.
Words that statements that start with I. From my opinion, in my opinion, from my point of
view, the way I see it and then you make your statement.
And then you can ask them about their favorite subject.
What do you think their favorite subject is?
Themselves.
So when you ask someone about their favorite subject, you ask them for their opinion, their
advice, their input, their feedback, and guess what?
They give you their input, their feedback, their advice on whatever you want them to
talk about.
You see, you can direct the conversation.
Use statements that give you something in common.
Use questions that validate the person.
If you're dealing with this person, many times they can move into a category called
the person that is a critical advice giver.
They know best.
Now with a critical advice giver, you want to be careful with the critical advice giver
from this standpoint.
The critical advice giver tends to feel like their way is the best way, but what happens
with the critical advice giver is you want to be prepared and have your facts together.
Because your goal with these people is similar.
See with the expert, you want to gain, with that autocratic dictator, you want to gain
their respect.
You make sure you keep your eye contact.
Call them by name.
They want someone that stands up to them and holds their ground.
Isn't that true?
You found that to work?
Your goal with the critical advice giver is to get them to have an open mind to other
ideas.
And so you can use phrases like this.
You ask questions.
I wonder what would happen if we did this.
Perhaps if we did this, do you think this might work?
Do you notice how I'm using the words we and us to create a bond and get something
to blend in there?
I'm also letting them know from my point of view this is what I think.
And you're asking their opinion.
See some of the same techniques work, but sometimes they get into a situation where
they only want things their way.
When you have a person that is wanting to say what they need to say, you can also interrupt
them by backtracking.
But more important, these people want to be validated.
If you don't validate them, they slip into the third type of controller.
They become a backstabber, a sniper.
Your goal with the backstabber or the sniper is to bring them out of hiding.
To bring them out of hiding.
And you know you see this.
This is the very well-timed roll of the eyes in the meeting when you say something.
You ever had one of those?
It's like, or a right.
Or it's the situation where they make a sarcastic remark.
They can be very cynical.
The way you bring them out of hiding, and this is the most powerful, this is what's
going to empower you tremendously when you're dealing with someone that is either a sniper
or a backstabber.
There is nothing more powerful than self-interruption.
You can't just let them get by with their statement.
So you use it.
So you use a self-interruption.
If it happens, you stop whatever you're doing.
You look at them.
You call their name.
And you can say something like, Bill?
And then you backtrack and you say what they've said.
Bill, when you made the comment about we wouldn't start the meeting without you, that sounded
like a dig.
Is that how you meant it?
Or what was your intention in that?
What did you mean by that?
And they may even say something like, well, can't you take a joke?
I can take a joke, but when you said this, what was your meaning?
You see, what you're wanting to do, the worst thing you can do to a sniper is bring them
out of hiding because then they can't snipe.
Then they have to own up.
Now, here's the other issue.
These people, even though you bring them out of hiding, can fall into other toxic behaviors.
You see, all of these behaviors, do you see how all of these behaviors can be wrapped
up in one person?
They can, can't they?
It's like Sybil.
They're always there.
And you never know which hat they're going to put on, do you?
Well, I want to share with you the next two types of toxic behaviors that they get into.
These are behavioral styles.
These two are people that, the same techniques work with them, but they come in a little
differently.
Have you ever asked someone how they are and they thought you really wanted to know?
They thought you really wanted to know.
And they told you more than you wanted to know.
It's kind of like the little boy that went in the kitchen and said, Mom, what time is
it?
She said, Son, you were in there with your dad.
Why didn't you ask him?
I didn't want to know that much.
You see, with people that are negative, and do you know people that are negative?
They have the Yabbit disease.
Every time you offer a solution, Yabbit, Yabbit, Yabbit, this won't work, Yabbit, that won't
work.
If they're negative, your goal is to get them to move towards being solution-oriented, solution-oriented.
Now, here's a five-step process that works with a person that likes to complain, which
I like to call a person that likes to come in and have a wine and cheese party in your
office, or a person that is negative.
The first thing you do, first step, is to listen and let them vent for a limited time.
Listen and let them vent for a limited time.
The second step is to acknowledge their complaint.
Now, we acknowledge their complaint because they want to know not only did you hear me,
but did you hear what I said?
We acknowledge their complaint by either what we've already talked about, either paraphrasing,
repeating, backtracking, what they've said.
The third step, and you don't need to use this with a customer, but anybody else except
a customer you'd probably use this with, is step number three is you ask them for a solution.
Now, one of two things will happen when you ask a negative person for a solution.
Now, do some people feel like their responsibility is to bring all the negatives into your office,
all the negatives into your workplace?
You see, the last thing they want to do is come up with a solution.
So step number three is ask for a solution.
Now, one of two things will happen.
Either they will leave skid marks on your carpet getting out, or they will give you
a solution.
Now, the solution may or may not be a doable solution, but they will get in the solution
mind.
So you want to move them towards solution oriented.
You want to get them to consider some other options, because they're spending a lot of
time on talking about things they have no control over.
The fourth step is to ask them how they would like things to turn out.
Have you ever noticed chronic complainers and negative people tend to know what they
don't want, but they don't know what they want?
Have you ever noticed that they know what won't work, but they know what will work?
Have you ever noticed they know what's broke, but they don't know how to fix it?
And so when you ask someone what they want rather than what they don't want, what you're
doing is you're getting them to think about the future.
You see, what you don't want is in the past.
What you do want is in the future.
It's okay to learn from the past, isn't it?
But what we want people to do is be future oriented.
Stephen Covey, one of the foremost consultants in the area of self-development, talks about
habits of highly effective people, being proactive, starting with the end in mind.
You want to get this person to think about the future.
What is it going to mean?
What do they want?
You see, you can tell a person what you don't want, but they screen out the negative request.
You see, it's much more effective telling people what you want, not what you don't want,
because they create a picture in their mind of what they want.
Here's something you want to remember about creating pictures.
If you tell a child, don't go in the street, what do they picture?
What flashes up on going in the street?
If you tell a person, don't come in late to meetings anymore, what do they see?
Coming in late to meetings.
Have you ever known someone, and you probably haven't done this, but maybe you have a friend
that's done this, you called a family session.
He said, look, we're going to talk, we're going to have a family meeting, and I'm going
to tell you what, we're not going to put up with these late curfews.
I don't want you coming in late.
I don't want these clothes left all over the place.
And when I ask you to do the dishes, I don't want you leaving those dishes in the sink.
Guess what they're picturing, folks.
You're telling people what you don't want.
And although you may think, oh, that's just a play on words, no, folks.
People see pictures.
You know what kept my son driving, learning to drive a stick shift car, modified his behavior,
the picture of either the consequences that he would get if he didn't learn, or the picture
of having the car when he wanted to go out on a date, or go to the store, or go to the
mall.
You see, the reality is that we need to tell people what we want, not what we don't want.
The fifth step in dealing with these people is we need to ask people.
We need to ask people how they could help make that happen, how they could help make
that happen.
How they could bring that into play.
Whatever you're asking, when they bring up a solution, see, you want to get ownership.
You see, here's something we've learned in negotiation training, in dispute resolution
training, in counseling.
See, folks, the more they talk about the solution, the more they own the solution, the more it
becomes theirs.
And you and I take care of things that we own.
You see, I have a rental car today, and I fly out.
Anybody think I'm going to wash that car before I drop it off at the rental car place?
Why am I not going to wash that car?
It's not mine.
You see, people take ownership, and the more we can get them involved, see, the more they
talk about the solution, the more they own it.
The more they own it, the harder they work on it.
And you want to move these people towards being more solution-oriented.
Now, there's two other types of behavioral styles that these people slip into.
The behavioral style of the tight lip or the clam.
Any of you work with tight lips or clamps?
The people that just won't open up?
Have you ever been around someone that you don't talk around because you're afraid of
how they might misuse that information?
You ever been around someone that maybe in a meeting they don't open up, but they'll
talk to you out in the hall for fear of how someone else may manipulate them?
Sometimes we don't open up for fear of what it's going to cost us.
One of the things that we look at when we're looking at clams is we've got to determine
our goal with the clam is to get them to open up, to talk.
And in doing this, we need to use these three steps.
We call them by name.
We ask them open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions start with words like who, what, where, when, how.
How do you feel like we can keep this from happening?
Where do you feel like we can make some changes?
What do you feel like our next step is?
See, that generates more information.
Third thing is to help them see how their input can be put into action.
If people don't feel like you're going to listen to them, they won't give you the ideas.
It's kind of like being back in high school and if over the PA system we hear, will Bill
A. Behr please come to the principal's office?
Did you think I was going to get a reward?
What did you know was happening?
What's your perception?
I'm in trouble.
And folks, if they feel like there's going to be punishment, they won't open up.
The last person is what we call a person that talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.
Quick Cajun story to tell you about this person.
Down in Louisiana, we have a lot of bayous.
Store about three frogs sitting on the lily pad in the bayou.
Two frogs decided to jump off the lily pad.
Here's the question.
How many frogs were left on the lily pad?
This is not a hard question.
This is just math.
How many frogs?
One?
That's one answer.
What's the other answer?
It's three.
Why three?
Because they only decided.
Because they only decided, didn't know what took any action.
You ever know people that are always talking the talk when they walk in the walk?
You ever know people that are always talking about what they're going to do but never doing
it?
Folks, I sat on my lily pad for many years in making a career change, in doing some different
things.
When we are faced with these type challenges, here's what we have to consider.
We've got to make it safe for this person to talk.
The safety and how we're going to use that information is going to be crucial.
It has to do with your developing a better working relationship with these people.
Here's two things you want to remember with these people.
If you and I want to get good in dealing with any of the difficult people, any of the toxic
people, any of the controllers, our success hinges a great deal on our ability to get
them to feel better about the relationship.
You don't have to be buddy buddies.
You just have to get them to feel more comfortable in talking with you.
That means you have to reach down in your toolbox and pull out the tools that will work
for you.
You see, we don't want to leave and walk out and walk away and not practice with the tools.
You see, the right tool and getting off the lily pad will help you because if you get
off the lily pad and take the action you need to take to get people to behave in a different
way, they will respond to you because it has to do with changing your attitude and your
behavior towards them.
If we're going to change other people, we've got to make some deposits in their emotional
bank accounts because that is what's going to determine whether or not they're going
to take the action you want them to take.
Thank you.
Across the table this is Wait Menschen from T documentation in the camera.