We should have.
Yes, yes, Tony, I've got that.
Well, look, I've got a bit of a backlog at the moment.
Yes, I know the council meeting's on Thursday, but...
All right, yes, I'll see what I can do.
Bye.
Oh, I can't stand that man.
What man?
Tony Santos.
We're all number one in this business, Betty.
You never do design work for a builder.
Why not?
Because they always think they know more than architects do.
Oh, I thought Mr. Santos was really nice.
Well, he is, until you put a set of plans in front of him.
Like all builders, he's always asking really silly questions.
Such as?
Oh, things like, where does this staircase go?
And are you sure this wall fits?
Just go to any building site, Betty, and you'll always hear the builders complaining about
the architects.
I'm not surprised if the walls don't fit.
The walls do fit on paper.
If they don't fit in real life, that's their problem, not mine.
Well, what does he want you to do about it?
Oh, he wants to change the plans.
He's had an idea.
He wants a conversation pit.
A what?
Oh, it's a sunken area in the living room where people sit to have a chat.
A man who cannot string two sentences together wants to have a conversation pit.
Oh, well, if he runs out of things to say, he can always fill it with water and breathe
yabbies in it.
Oh, we used to have one of those in Walgott.
What, a conversation pit?
No, a dam.
Well, he's getting both.
A dam conversation pit.
But, Mr Kelly, you have to do that materials list for Mr Walsh's extension.
Yes, I know.
Well, will you have time for both?
Well, I'll have to make time, Betty.
The way things are at the moment, I can't afford to say no to work.
Hey, Dad.
But I can say no to teenagers.
Sam, no.
You didn't even know what I want.
Too bad.
No.
Oh, that feels so good.
Mr Kelly, what about Ben?
Oh, yes, you're right.
He shouldn't miss out either.
Ben, no.
Is he all right?
I think he's been working too hard.
Now, Mr Kelly, I mean, what about Ben working for you?
How do you mean?
Well, he could do the materials list while you revise the plans.
Why not?
He's worked for you before.
Oh, I don't know.
I suppose.
Ben?
Well, hey, you know, I mean, sure.
As long as it's not too difficult.
Oh, no, Mr Kelly does it all the time.
Oh, thanks very much, Betty.
Well, Ben, if you're free...
Sorry, Dad, no can do.
What?
Ben is not allowed to work for you until I can borrow your car.
And what have you got to do with all this?
I'm his agent.
So what?
I thought agents always got 10%.
I'd rather the car.
I've seen how much you pay.
Hi, Betty.
Hi, Betty.
Oh, hi, kids.
Ma'am, was I good or what?
Oh, I have to grow up.
Ma'am, that was awesome.
It's just a video game.
Video game?
Ma'am, She-Fi is not just a video game.
It's a video game.
Video game?
Video game?
Video game?
Video game?
Video game?
Ma'am, it's not just a video game.
It's life.
It's a walk down the mean streets.
It's a challenge.
It's mindless violence.
I know.
That's why I like it.
Arthur, it simply perpetuates the myth.
What myth?
The myth that blatant displays of aggressive macho bravado as some sort of shortcut to success.
You're just tipped off because it's the first time I've hit you.
That's amazing.
No, it was just lucky.
Oh, no, no, I was talking about this is amazing in this article.
What's it about, Betty?
Well, it's about this woman in England, who was a woman with a
very high standard of behavior.
The Taxation Department gave her a bill for 50,000 pounds.
Well, Betty, that's really interesting.
See ya.
No, no, I mean, the reason that she got the bill was that they declared her a professional
competition entrant.
I don't understand.
Well, because she won over half a million pounds' worth of cash and prizes just by entering
competitions.
Wow.
She must have been really lucky.
Oh, no, not really.
She just entered as many competitions as many times as she could.
She did nothing all day but fill out forms and cut out coupons.
And rake in the prizes.
Where'd it go?
Now, that's what I call a job.
Yeah, wouldn't it be wonderful to just sit around all day doing nothing but win prizes?
Hey, here's the competition here.
You just fill out the form and write in 25 words or less why I'd like to visit New Zealand.
Gee, that's a tricky one.
Yeah, but we must be able to think of something to write.
Come on, Athelese, fill out the forms and enter.
No, that's not how you do it, Jenny.
Remember what I said, you've got to enter it as many times as you can.
Oh, yeah, so if you want lots of forms, we need lots of newspapers.
Well, Dad gets one every day.
And so does my mum.
And we could ask all the neighbours.
Or we could just pick them up on recycling night.
Yeah.
And there's lots of other competitions.
We have all the entry forms at those Sullivan's.
That's right.
Supermarkets and shops are always full of them.
I could get some for you.
Oh, that's wonderful.
The only thing is that it says here to enter competitions properly that you've got to spend
about five or six hours a day doing it and not work for Mr Kelly full time.
Oh, maybe I can just squeeze it in.
How's the Welsh job going, Ben?
Oh, not bad.
I've just finished the roof cross section.
Hey, nice work.
Thanks.
Now, what about this materials list?
Oh, right, OK.
Well, I want you to go over the plans and check all the quantities against the plans
and my master list.
Gotcha.
Oh, you'll have to keep your eyes open because there's a few alterations I haven't had time
to put in.
Uh-huh.
This is the builder's number here in case you want to double check anything.
Right.
Oh, and if Mr Walsh rings and I'm not here, you'll have to deal with him.
What did I say?
Well, start out by saying, hello, Mr Walsh, then wing it from there.
So?
Well, he's a real stickler for details, you know.
He just wants reassurance.
Tell him everything's under control.
Not a problem.
I appreciate you doing this.
I appreciate you paying me.
So, Betty, when Ben's finished that list, you'll type it up.
Betty.
Betty!
Oh, Mr Kelly, when did you get back?
What are you doing there?
Can't be my work because you look busy.
You never look busy when you're doing my work.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
And how much do you have on your card for your post office bus?
How much?
Let me see.
Let me see them.
How much?
Well...
Goodness.
I've got plenty.
How many?
Like a million.
How can that be?
I don't know.
Youjust cut me off.
Why can't I argue with that?
Well, you know, you've got to be in it to win it.
Now, just hang on a second. I don't want to sound petty, Betty,
but the stamp's on the envelope. She didn't use the office stamps.
Of course not. Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
I didn't use any stamps at all. What?
Well, they would have cost me $20, and that's way too much,
so I found a great way where I can post them for free.
Free? Yeah, I just used the franking machine.
What? I'm surprised Australia Post hasn't woken up to it.
I mean, you just put in the letter, and it puts a little label on it,
and you don't have to pay for stamps or anything.
I can't believe this. It's really good.
We should use it more often.
Betty, I hate to tell you this, but a franking machine isn't free.
It isn't? No, each of those little labels costs exactly the same as a stamp.
It does? Yes.
And if Mr Kelly's franking machine franks Mr Kelly's letters
and Mr Kelly's offers, who do you think pays for it?
Frank?
Mr Kelly, you know, I think you should enter this competition.
Why? Because the simple things in life work in your office.
CHEERING
I'm back.
Steve.
Dye?
Only been ill 11 months.
I suppose I am a bit early.
No-one's supposed to be in Peter's office until he's bed.
Peter!
You weren't meant to be bed for me.
Let's go.
I am out the door.
Let's go.
I'm out the door.
We offer you more.
So we can power our home office sooner and have the lower interest rate.
Sure.
We give you the full story on home loans.
More options, more flexibility, more competitive rates.
More for your home loans, more for you.
The insurance company that is never far away is changing its name.
From July 1, Federation Insurance will be known as West Farmers Federation Insurance.
Mr Kelly, would you like coffee?
No, thanks, Betty. I've got to go. I've got this Santos meeting.
Ben?
I'll pass, thanks.
Ben, you must be just about finished by now.
Yeah, I'm nearly there. Say another hour or so.
Well, you're doing a terrific job.
Thanks. I'll be glad when it's all over. All these cross-checking figures and materials.
Yes, can get a bit boring still. Has to be done. Found any mistakes?
Nothing major. 99% right.
Right. Stick with it. See you later.
Bye.
Dad?
No, sorry. I haven't got any money. Don't get to the bank till tomorrow.
What makes you think I want money?
You mean you don't?
Of course not. Just 20 bucks. I promise I'll pay you back.
I'll have a little lunch with the girls. Just don't eat anything. Bye.
Nice try, girl. Better luck next time.
I'm not finished yet. There's always Ben.
Don't be silly. He'll never lend you money.
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
Never is such an ugly word. Watch and learn.
Um, Ben?
Forget it.
What?
Whatever it is, forget it.
What are you talking about?
I don't know. But whenever you come in going, Ben, it always ends up costing me.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
I was just wondering what you were doing this afternoon.
Well, can't you see, Sam, I'm working.
Oh, well, the girls will just have to be disappointed.
Girls? What girls?
Oh, it doesn't matter. You're working.
No, no, no, no, Sam, Sam, what are you talking about? What girls?
Well, the girls from the barbecue last week. Kathy and Jackie and Ingrid.
Who?
Ingrid.
You must remember. The Swedish backpacker.
Tall, blonde,
with a big rucksack.
No, I don't, actually.
Well, she remembers you.
Does she?
Yes. And actually we were talking because we're going to lunch today.
And she was wondering if you were free.
And I said, no, you're working.
Ingrid, you say?
Yes. You must remember.
Tall, blonde, Finnish backpacker.
Hang on, didn't you just say she was Swedish?
Swedish, Finnish, what's the difference?
The important thing is...
She's got a big rucksack.
No, the important thing is she's got a big rucksack.
No, the important thing is she wants to meet you.
She does?
Yes, because she's only going to be in Australia for a couple more days.
And before she goes, she wants to meet an Australian man
who can give her something to remember Australia by back home in Norway.
Norway?
And Finland and Sweden.
She comes from a little country town on the border of all three.
What about Shelley?
I won't tell her if you don't.
OK, let's go.
Oh, Sam, I can't, I've got to finish this stuff off for Mr Kelly.
Oh, well, that's a pity.
You know what they say about Scandinavian girls.
No, what do they say about Scandinavian girls?
Oh, that thing they say about Scandinavian girls.
Oh, that thing they say about Scandinavian girls.
Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I'm almost finished
and I'm sure this will be all right.
I'll just leave it here for Betty to type in.
OK, let's go.
Oh, no!
What?
I don't believe it.
There was money in here yesterday.
Oh, well, that's it, I just can't go.
What?
Brigitte. You mean Ingrid?
Oh, yes, yes, Ingrid and her sister Brigitte.
They're twins.
Twins?
OK, Sam, how much do you want?
Oh, are you sure?
Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't, I really couldn't.
Oh, OK, then, 30 bucks.
30 bucks?
I'll just get my jacket.
That was amazing.
That was incredible.
Oh, it wasn't that hard. After all, he's only a man.
I still don't understand why they didn't show up.
Maybe they got lost.
What? Both of them, Brigitte and Ingrid.
Well, maybe they had to catch an early flight home
to Denmark.
Or Finland, or Sweden, or Norway.
Can we?
There you go.
Is this all Mr Kelly's stuff?
Only some of it.
The rest is Betty's special order.
Special order?
Yeah, all the things with competitions on the label.
Now, Jenny,
you go and get some pens and some envelopes.
And, Arthur, you look for some scissors.
Now, what have we got here?
Right, now,
who's got the customised trail bike
and a year's supply of petrol entry forms?
Right here. Great.
And what have you got, Arthur?
I've got the shop tour you drop vouchers.
What? I've got the hot and throbbing car
stereo condition
and the travel safari placemat of the world.
Wow.
You mean we have to post all these?
Oh, yeah. I never realised entering competitions
could be so expensive.
Oh, don't worry, Betty, just wait till you start winning stuff.
Yeah, you're gonna make a killing.
Yeah, well, when I do, don't worry.
I won't forget the little people and the even
littler people that helped me on my way to success.
Betty, where have you been for the...
What are you doing?
Well, it's good, isn't it?
What's good, isn't it? What are all these cans without labels?
Someone's defoliated my groceries.
Well, they're not your groceries, they're my groceries.
Well, most of them. Oh, really?
Well, which ones are mostly yours?
Mostly your dog food.
Betty, I don't know how to break this to you, but you don't have a dog.
I know, but if I send in three labels,
I'll get $2 back.
Very good. At about a dollar a can,
plus the cost of a stamp, or Frank,
it's about $3.50 to get back $2.
Is that a good deal?
Betty.
Oh, Mrs Jackson across the road's got a dog.
And that way she would make a profit.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll just
sell her these. No, they're the peaches.
No, they're the peaches. Oh, no, they're the baked beans.
Well, which ones are the dog food?
This is the dog food. No, I'm sure it's the dog food.
No, I'm sure it's the dog food.
Betty, you have paid for all these cans
and you don't even know what's in them.
I didn't pay for all of them. Some of them are yours.
Oh, no, they're not. Not any more.
Oh, Mr Kelly. No, you
denuded them. You can pay for them.
You've spent the last 20 minutes taking labels
off cans. Well, that's not all we did.
We filled out coupons and scratched
scratches and fished out bingo tickets.
What bingo tickets? From the bottom of the
bread.
I think I'll get back to
work.
Good morning, Martin and Kelly, architectural
services. Betty Bawson speaking.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes, just one moment, please.
Mr Kelly. Yes, Betty. Mr Walsh.
Hey, Barry, how's it going?
What? When was this?
No, I've got no idea how it happened.
Do you really think that's necessary?
Yep, okay.
All right. Yes, I'll see what I can do. Bye.
I don't believe it.
What's wrong? I've got a problem with the Walsh job.
He expects me to drop everything, go down there right now
and sort it out. What will you do?
What else? I'll drop everything, go down there right now and sort it
out. What's happened?
Oh, his big picture windows were supposed to be
double glazed tinted glass and they've arrived
in plain glass and the builders installed them.
But didn't he know they were wrong?
Well, he would have if he'd read the specs we sent him.
You try and get those guys to admit they've made a mistake.
Now, I've got to go down there and sort this whole mess out.
Oh, you are the supervising architect.
Yes, and a supervising architect
if I find out who's actually responsible,
they are going to pay.
Betty!
All right, you've been caught. There's no point denying it.
You're in big trouble now. I'm sorry, Mr. Kelly,
but I thought it was all right in my lunchtime.
It's never all right any time. Not even after my sandwich?
Especially after your sandwich.
What sandwich? What are you talking about?
A sandwich that I'll have at lunchtime.
I'm talking about the mistake in the plans.
You mean the mistake in the plans for lunch?
The mistake in the plans for Walsh.
The same mistake that just cost me $1,500.
You mean the Barry Walsh plan?
Exactly.
The same Mr. Walsh plans that specified
double-glazed tinted glass
and you wrote plain glass.
Oh, I did!
Oh, isn't that terrible? Oh, I feel awful.
Yeah, it's not as awful as my bank account will feel.
But I don't know how this could have happened.
I do. Instead of doing my work,
you've been wasting my time entering these stupid competitions.
Oh, hi, Mr. Kelly. Just saw Mr. Walsh out?
No, he just sorted me out to the tune of $1,500.
Whoa! Big biggies.
Oh, just the cost of Betty incorrectly typing the specifications.
That's all.
Oh, well, I'm sure she didn't mean it.
I mean, I'm sure it was just a mistake.
Of course it was a mistake. We always make mistakes.
Mr. Kelly, don't you think you're being a bit harsh?
Ben, how easy is it?
She, Betty, takes your Ben original notes.
You, Betty, sit behind typing machine
and type double-glazed tinted glass.
No, you don't.
You type plain glass.
Ben, why have your original notes got plain glass written down?
Oh, I don't know.
It's got plain glass written down.
Oh, no.
Oh, Mr. Kelly, I'm so sorry.
Look, it was Sam's fault.
Sam had nothing to do with this job.
Yes, I know, but see, Sam came in to invite me to lunch
with Brigitte and Ingrid,
their Swedish Finnish Norwegian backpackers with the big rucksacks.
Really?
And how much did this lunch cost?
Oh, let's see. Sam borrowed $30.
Oh, no, I think it's going to cost a lot more than that.
Are you sure? No, I got the bill.
I'm talking about your bill. I'm talking about my bill.
It's my bill because your lunch just cost me $1,500.
Oh!
Look, Mr. Kelly, I will pay you back.
Ben, at the moment, there is no way you can pay me back.
I can. Look, I'll get a second job.
How?
You've just been fired from your first one!
APPLAUSE
At the special time of 7.30 Sunday,
fast-forward rewinds Steve Izzard.
I was in the cockpit where the captain was sucked out.
A jam-packed one-hour comedy special.
No, no, don't worry, Bungie Buzzer.
7.30 Sunday.
The insurance company that is never far away
is changing its name.
From July 1, Federation Insurance
will be known as West Farmers Federation Insurance,
the same great service from a truly Australian company.
What a great shop before stationery
Why do you go to Newspaper Stationery?
Well, we're out of the woods.
We're out of the woods.
We're out of the woods.
We're out of the woods.
We're out of the woods.
Why do you go to Newspaper Stationery?
Well, where else would you go?
I mean, if you need an invoice book, a stapler or a pen,
you go to Newspaper, wouldn't you?
What a great shop for stationery
What a great shop for stationery
What a great shop for stationery
What a great shop for stationery
The Home Office Stationery catalogue
has pilot retractable pens $1.85 each
and this sharp organiser, $99.
What a great shop for stationery
What a great shop for stationery
What a great shop for stationery
Drive in and jive away
Brisbane car sound radio today
Moss remote car alarms $139 installed
Cambrook fax and answer machines $889
Kenwood car compact disc players with tuna $549
Subwoofers from only $69 each
Sanyo digital radio cassettes with speakers $199
and hands-free car phones installed from $499
Drive in and jive away
Brisbane car sound radio today
Drive in and jive away
Brisbane car sound radio today
You know, Anderson Shop at Home Service
has provided a great service for stationery
Anderson Shop at Home Service
has provided many people with the convenience
of selecting the right floor covering
in the comfort of their own home
So if you can't come to our showroom
give us a call and we'll come to you
Anderson's
Just jeans and winter sale
Now you're talking
Hit it Mr Music
Music
Music
Music
Is this heaven?
Music
Music
This is some sale
Music
Music
Is it life after this?
Music
Music
Jack! Yeah, yeah, hang on
Come on love, what are you doing? I want to get a paper
It really bugs me, I've a few dollars over
I'll see you sold that for you
The paper, June?
Just the paper, John
Give me one of those two dollar scratches
One hundred thousand dollars
For just two dollars
Hey, wouldn't it be a scream
If it happened to you?
Jean!
Don't let the chance go by
Hey, look at this
What is it?
An old lamp I think
Three thousand years in that
How dull
You know the deal? Three wishes and all that
I'm going to get a new one
You know the deal? Three wishes and all that
Three, huh?
Alright, I want
A packet of Tim Tams
That never runs out
You have two wishes left
Then we'll have two more of those
Ah, it's Tim Tam
What more could you want?
Cathy and Cameron are talking to the National
About a tailored home loan
For a siren
Pretty snazzy
It's a big saving
It's excellent
Ask the National how much a tailored home loan could save you
Dad
What? Can't go on like this
What? What can't go on like what?
Ben, he's taking this really badly
Well, it's not my fault
You've got to talk to him
I've already talked to him
Well, it didn't seem to do much good
I tried my best
Well, you can't say things like that
Yes, I can, they just roll off my tongue
Don't you think he's suffered enough?
No
Can't you accept that he simply made a mistake?
Yes, in time
Look, I'm sorry if I'm still angry, but I feel I had every right to be
Well, I know he cost you money, but you still made a profit on the job
That's not the point, I'm trying to forget about the money
It's just that every time I see him
He keeps reminding me of it
Yeah, morning Mr Kelly, look I'm sorry about that money
Just like that, Gary, do it again
Dad
Morning Ben
Be nice
Ben, would you like a tea or coffee?
Dad, ask Ben if he'd like a tea or coffee
Ben, would you like a tea or coffee?
Look, I don't mind, whatever you'd like me to have
Coffee
One hemlock or two
Why don't you two sit down and I'll get you both a cup
So, what about the blues?
Not bad, eh?
Yes, if you say so
If that's okay
Yes, thanks sir
Would you like some milk with that?
Look, only if you're sure you really don't mind
Oh, for crying out loud
Dad, be nice
I am being nice, Ben, you dill
If I didn't want you to drink my milk in the first place, I would have offered you toast
Ben, would you like some toast?
Look, if that's what you want me to have
Oh, shut up, a pair of you
Now look, Ben, all you did was make a stupid mistake, will you stop acting like a martyr?
I know, but I just cost you all that money
I know, and I wish you'd stop reminding me of it
I'm not going to be an engineer
What?
Oh, you're quitting, that's very mature, Ben
Well, I've got no choice
Yes, you have, look, Ben, this whole business will probably be good for you
Tal
Learn by your mistakes, if you know what went wrong, you'll be a better engineer for it
You really believe that?
I'm not sure, but it sounds like the sort of thing I should be saying
Ben, you made a simple mistake
I know, that's what makes it worse
Tal
Well, I should have just checked, I feel like such a fool
Making a mistake once just means that you're human
Yeah?
Yes, on the other hand, if you make that same mistake twice, then you really are an idiot
Mr Kelly, Mr Kelly, I won, I won
You what?
The competition, I won, I won
What, what, what competition?
The hardware shop competition, see
I don't believe it
What? You'll never guess what first prize is
A mind reading course?
Double glazing your windows to the value of $1,500
When did you enter this?
About two weeks ago
You wouldn't read about it, that was well before we knew about the Walsh job
And before Ben made the mistake with the windows
Yeah, it's spooky
So, what are you going to do with your prize?
Well, seeing as I live in a rented flat
I don't really need it, so
You can have it
You see, well there you go, Mr Kelly
Everything's worked out alright in the end
Yeah, you've learned a valuable lesson
I don't have to pay for Mr Walsh's double glazing
Oh really, why not?
Because of your prize
My prize?
Yes, your double glazing to the value of $1,500
Oh, I didn't win that
But you just said you won
You shoveled
Hey Dad is recording in front of a studio audience
This has been a Gary Riley production
For The Seven Network
Come on Bullock, you can do it
One step at a time
Perhaps stair climbing is not instinctual to the Porschean family
No, no, Bullock can learn this
Pigs are very smart animals
True, perhaps you just have an unusually stupid one
Okay
You can call me stupid
You can call my family stupid
But lay off the pig
You're right
Pigs are smart
Studies have shown if an animal is unable to learn
The fault will be yours
If an animal is unable to learn
The fault lies with the trainer
Oh really?
Let me show you how good of a trainer I am
If you're not upstairs in the next three seconds
I'm gonna make your nose look just like bullets
Bye
There
Did you see that once?
The dream got broken
So not all was lost
But what be the future
Could you pay the cost you won
Will there ever be
A second time around
Oh
When the tears
Are over and the moment has come
Say my lord
I think I found someone
That I know it will be better
Cause you're putting it together
For the second time around
We got the woman and man
We got the kids and the play
Only time will tell
All these dreams fit under one umbrella
Step by step
Day by day
A fresh start over
Different hands and pray
The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay
It will be better
A second time around
Step by step
Day by day
A fresh start over
Different hands and pray
Time will tell but you know what they say
Make it better
A second time around
Oh honey, you never guess what happened
First tell me how fast you were going
When you hit that duck
Oh, oh no
I just came from a lodge meeting
And I was just elected
First deputy Grand Mallard
Wow, is that a good thing?
Oh honey, that's a great thing
That means I'm second in the pecking order
No Lambert has ever flown so high
Yeah, one of my first responsibilities
Is to MC the lodge's annual
Mother daughter beauty contest
All right
Frank, that's wonderful
I've been wanting to enter that pageant
Ever since I realized I was beautiful
A beauty pageant?
Why would anybody want to put themselves on display
Like a piece of meat?
Come on now, Dana
This is not just some beauty pageant
Where a bunch of bimbos rock around in swimming suits
Oh man, then what's the point?
Frank is right
I mean, it's not just looks
Talent is a big part of the overall score
Which that's evaluated on content
Oh mom, we can't lose
Wait a second, wait a second, I never said I was entering
Mom, we have to
It's the perfect preparation for my modeling career
Last year's winner, Lisa Carter
Has already done two auto shows
A seed catalog
And is thinking about moving to Milwaukee
Milwaukee, all of Paris holds its breath
To see what Milwaukee is wearing this season
Carol, come on now, it's for a good cause
It's a charity and the winning daughter
Gets a savings bond for college
What an honor, the Tony Home Permanent Scholarship
You really want this, don't you Karen?
Oh, what the heck
Oh thanks mom
I'm gonna go practice smiling sincerely
Ugh, I never should have
Bought her that Brooke Shields doll
Mom, I cannot believe you are gonna enter a beauty contest
Well this isn't my first contest, you know
You ever hear of Miss Small Curd Cottage Cheese, 1974?
You're kidding mom, you won?
Well I didn't win actually, but I was first runner up
Well wait a minute, what'd the winner have that you didn't?
Bigger curds
Wow
Hey everybody
Oh hey Dakota, great news
Guess who's gonna MC our Lodge's Mother Daughter Beauty Contest
Me
No Cody, me
Oh, righteous
We are now inducting new members
And now that you are old enough, guess who's eligible
You
No Cody, you
No way
Now all you have to do is come up with a good initiation project
And pass the oral exam
Well the oral exam's no problem
Did I floss every day
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Where is he?
Well, he said it wasn't difficult
My last poo went really dry and frizzy
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Which dinosaur could have swallowed a human whole?
Which ate a ton of vegetation a day?
And which were bigger than a bus?
All the facts are right here in Dinosaur's
Dinosaur's are as small as a chicken
As tall as a four story house
How did they last for 160 million years?
Why did they all die out?
And how do we know so much about them from only their fossils?
Included week by week are all the parts for a dinosaur model that glows in the dark
Issue one comes with 3D glasses
And a pair of glasses
And a pair of glasses
And a pair of glasses
And a pair of glasses
You're everything
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Cherry ripe that I want
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You're everything I want, in a little bit more
Every time you bite into the rich old gold chocolate
And ripe juicy cherries
You fall in love with the big cherry
you'll fall in love with the big cherry taste.
For me the fact that it's organic is very reassuring because I know there's nothing artificial at it.
I think if you care about yourself and your family you'd have to believe that organic
Vita Brits are better for you.
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Question number 53. False.
Cody. True.
Alright, question number 54.
When was the first Mallard Lodge founded? 1937.
Right. Who was the first Grand Mallard?
Bucky Miller, who served from 1937 until his untimely death in 1946 due to a hunting accident.
And what did we Mallards learn from this tragedy?
Never wear your duck hat in a cornfield.
Come on now, pal, you got all this oral examination stuff down.
Now what are you going to do for an initiation project?
That's the thing that's going to swing the judges.
Well, you know, I was thinking of painting a mural of prehistoric times.
Yeah, when man walked on all fours and ducks ruled the planet.
And all the lesser creatures were cowering in fear because...
Oh, Cody, ducks never ruled the planet.
Well, they had a lot of clout, though, right?
You know, Code, I think this duck power mural might not be the way to go.
Well, I read you, Uncle Frank, too controversial, huh?
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da.
Now, remember, when the judges are looking at you, smile.
But don't smile too big.
You don't want to look toothy.
Karen, it just so happens that many great women have been toothy.
Mom's right. Look at Eleanor Roosevelt.
Exactly. And how many beauty contests did she win?
You're right, Karen, none. She was wasting her time helping the poor and downtrodden.
Well, I'm not going to make that mistake.
Carol, Carol. Yeah?
Where do I go to get an application for the Mother Dollar Beauty Pageant?
At the lodge. Why? I've decided to answer.
Oh, great.
I've been trying to talk her out of it.
Mom, could you be more supportive? This pageant is important to me.
Since when?
Since I found out that I'd be strutting my stuff for a roomful of single men.
Well, let's boogie.
Okay, Mom, let's work on your posture.
Oh, Karen, come on. Let's stop talking about our looks and concentrate on the talent competition.
Now, what are your talents?
I can French braid my own hair.
Whoa. Forget the mallard lodge. Let's take you straight to Broadway.
Now, Karen, I was thinking that you and I could do a tap dance number together.
You used to take tap when you were little.
But, Mom, I'm rusty now.
Oh, you'll be great. Now, you just watch me and copy what I do.
You remember the time step, right?
Okay, just start with your right foot, okay?
Ba-dee-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Okay? Now, you try it. Five, six, seven, eight.
Hey, Mom, I've got an idea.
Maybe while you tap, Karen can French braid your hair.
Hi. Hi.
Smile. They're judges.
Not so toothy.
Excuse me. Do you know where the ladies' room is?
Yeah, I saw a sign right down that hallway there.
Oh, thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to find a place to put my hair.
Oh, I see.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
You're helping the enemy.
Oh, I'm sorry, Karen. You're right.
Maybe you should go spy on them,
find out what kind of makeup they're using.
Good idea.
Ooh.
Oh, excuse me.
If all this year's contestants are as gorgeous as you,
it's gonna be tough to declare a winner.
Well, thank you.
Oh, and you have got a beautiful smile.
Yeah.
Isn't that too toothy?
Oh, not at all.
I like a woman with a healthy set...
of teeth.
Yeah, right.
Well, if you'll excuse me, uh...
Howard. Howard, yes. I'm gonna go fill out these forms.
Oh, a mere formality.
You see, I'm one of the judges.
You already got my vote.
Don't you think you ought to see the other contestants?
I'd rather see a whole lot more of you.
Uh, look, I'm married.
Oh, it doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.
Well, it does bother me, so cool it.
Oh, how can I stay cool when you look so hot?
Well, maybe this will help.
Mother, that man was a judge.
We're gonna lose the contest.
No, we're not, Karen, because I quit.
Mother!
Hey, are you okay?
Mark, Mark, stop. Mark.
Hey!
Speed, like all amphetamines,
is made from dangerous chemicals.
What's even worse,
it's made in illegal backyard labs.
I need to know what he's had, mate.
He's just had some speed.
The reality with taking speed
is you never know who made it
or what's in it.
So, you're gonna have to be careful.
You're gonna have to be careful.
Because you never know who made it or what's in it.
Just breathe deeper.
You hear me?
Speed catches up with you.
Which dinosaur could have swallowed a human whole?
Which ate a tonne of vegetation a day?
And which were bigger than a bus?
All the facts are right here in dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs are as small as a chicken,
as tall as a four-storey house.
How did they last for 160 million years?
Why did they all die out?
And how do we know so much about them
from only their fossils?
Included week by week are all the parts
for a dinosaur model that glows in the dark.
Issue one comes with 3D glasses
and the first model parts,
and all for 75 cents.
It has to be hands.
It has to be hands.
I've wandered around
and I know when I've found
the best taste in town
for nobody else
gives me a thrill.
With your great taste, I love you still.
It has to be hands.
Wonderful hands.
It has to be hands.
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Can Australia clean up the Kiwis and win the series?
The Rugby League International Final is next.
Just stop it, Karen.
Mom, I'm pleading, I'm begging, I'm whining.
I can't put the pageant.
You didn't hear what that judge said to me.
What's going on?
Oh, one of your brothers is in jail.
What's going on?
Oh, one of your brother Mallards made a pass at me.
So then mom totally lost it,
dumped water all over him.
And if that weren't bad enough, she quit the pageant.
Who was it?
Some jerk named Howard.
Oh, Howard Gordon.
Honey, nobody takes him seriously.
He's a harmless flirt.
What did he say that was so terrible?
He said he wanted to see me naked.
He's a dead man.
Frank! Stop it!
You're right.
The judge was way out of line.
But mom, I have to win.
Please.
This is the most important thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh.
If it means that much to you,
I'll stay in the pageant.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
But if that Howard tries anything else,
I'm setting Frank loose.
Just listen to me.
Winning isn't everything.
It's not worth sacrificing your dignity
and self-respect for it.
Spoken like a true runner-up.
Oh, here it is, Uncle Frank.
This is the project that's gonna make me a mallard.
And it's made out of 100% Wisconsin cheese.
A duck made out of cheese.
Oh, boy.
Cody, you're a genius.
Hey, I prefer the term cheese whiz myself.
Cody, you're a shoo-it.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, and I want y'all to come out to my van
to have ice cream and celebrate.
Do you have enough for everybody?
I have six gallons.
See, I was gonna make the duck out of fudge ripple,
but my hands kept freezing up, you know?
And now, finally,
the mating call of the mallard Drake.
Cody, that was a great mating call.
If I were a female mallard, I'd be smoking a cigarette.
Stick it, Frank. Okay.
And now, my initiation project,
which I like to call my initiation project.
Oh, gnarly headwood.
Is this some sort of a joke?
No, no, your exalted featherness, of course not.
What Fledgling Cody was trying to say is that
until man is accepted into mallard membership,
man is incomplete.
Form without substance,
metaphorical duck flapping his wings in a flockless void.
I saw that.
Hey, I knew about the flockless void,
but, boy, where'd I get all the rest of that stuff?
And it's made of cheese.
Wait a minute.
Bring food to a meeting.
That's a great idea.
All those in favor of making Cody a mallard, quack I.
Today, I am a duck.
Mom, mom, mom.
Wasn't that interesting?
Let's hear it for Penny and Ivy Baker.
And now, to end the talent portion of our competition,
it's my privilege to introduce the talented,
the lovely Carol Lambert and her daughter Karen.
He was a famous trumpet man, but magic couldn't go away.
He had a book he sounded like no one else could play.
He was a top man at his craft.
But then his mouth became up and he was gone with a draft.
He's in the army now, a blowing rhythm lead.
He's the boogie, woogie, bugle, baller company B.
A root, a tit, a titty and a teeth.
He does an eight and a bar, in boogie rhythm.
He can't blow a note unless the basic guitar is playing with him.
He makes the country jump when he plays rhythm lead.
He's the boogie, woogie, bugle, baller company B.
A root, a tit, a titty and a teeth.
He does an eight and a bar, in boogie rhythm.
He can't blow a note unless the basic guitar is playing with him.
He makes the country jump when he plays rhythm lead.
He's the boogie, woogie, bugle, baller company B.
Well, now the moment we've all been waiting for,
the finalists in this year's Mom and Miss Mallard are...
Doris Winters and her daughter Arlene.
And Carol Lambert and her daughter Karen.
Well, now to determine the winner in this competition,
each teenage contestant will give a speech about what being Miss Mallard means to her.
We'll start first with Arlene.
I would like to win the title of Miss Mallard
because the Mallards have a strong tradition of community service.
Hey, beautiful. You got it all sewn up.
All you gotta do is go out with me this weekend.
What?
Well, you heard me. You go out with me and I'll swing the vote your way.
And if I don't go out with you?
Well, then you can kiss Miss Mallard, tie her up and good-bye.
Thank you. And may the best girl win.
And now it's a pleasure to introduce our next contestant because she's my stepdaughter.
Karen.
Thank you. I'm honored to be here tonight.
As a future supermodel, I would be proud to have Miss Mallard be the first step
on my runway to fame and fortune.
Actually, I'm not proud.
I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself and of this pageant.
I think you all should know that two of the three judges here
have behaved in a way that give beauty pageants a bad name.
The other day, that sleazebag Howard made a pass at my mother.
And just a moment ago, that junior sleazebag hit on me.
Said the only way I could win is if I went out with him.
I would love to win this pageant, but my mother taught me that nothing is worth
the cost of my self-respect and dignity.
If I can't win fair and square, then the title of Miss Mallard loses all its luster.
So as difficult as this is for me, I'm withdrawing from the competition.
Foul!
Whoa.
Foul, duck, get it?
Anyway, foul!
I am ashamed of my fellow Mallards. These judges have acted abdominally.
I think we ought to let the audience decide who wins. Huh? Come on.
Carol, come on up. Doris, ladies.
All right, then, by your applause, should the winners be Doris and Arlie
or Carol and Karen.
We have our winners. This is mom and Miss Mallard.
And her daughter, Karen.
Howard, can I speak to you for a minute?
You too, junior sleazebag. Where are we going?
It doesn't matter. You won't remember it anyway.