Hi. I'm Marty Mosley. Let me say a couple things about the Fast Forward program you're
about to see. First, we know that young people are easily born, so the format for Fast Forward
is lively, it's entertaining, it's real life. We bring out some of those unspoken emotions
and feelings that teenagers have but are afraid to share with others. You may or may not agree
with everything you hear from the teenagers on this show, but that's okay. They're just
sharing their real feelings. The second thing is we've designed a leader discussion guide
with questions and scripture verses. This will allow you to address some of the tough
issues your teenagers face. We know that you can meet the spiritual needs of your teenagers
better than we can, but we do want to help. Now on with today's episode of Fast Forward.
You're watching the Total TV Network. Dating. Now, do your palms sweat at the prospect of
coming across a girl in the hallway? Yeah. And are your Friday nights free for the next
five years? Yeah. You know, like your phone has got cobwebs on it. And when you dream
about the person you're going to marry, does it seem more like a nightmare? Well, today
we want to get the real scoop about love. And rejection. Marriage. Rejection. Commitment.
Rejection. Love. Rejection.
Hi, I'm Jeremy Schwartz. And I'm Polly Butler. Welcome to this edition of Fast Forward. Yeah,
you know, today we're going to be talking about love. Everyone is talking about it.
The search for love, you know, the love connection and the dating game and studs. Studs. Studs.
Unfortunately it's not that easy. It would be a lot easier if you guys weren't so weird.
What? It's not just us. You girls are pretty strange too. For example, why do you go to
the bathroom and hurt? Are you all insecure? Jeremy. Are you afraid? Jeremy. You get lost?
You watch studs. That's all I'm saying. They're always set on their sports. 95% of our time
I've spent thinking about girls. The other 5% sports. They're so wrapped up in themselves.
What? Oh yeah. I really would say that. They lead you on a lot, you know. They're only
looking for one thing. Sex. Most of the time, maybe, but not a lot of the time. Yeah, they
usually do change after they think that, you know, they've got you hooked in their little
snitch. Girls. They flirt too much. Oh my gosh. Yes, guys flirt the worst. Guys are
the biggest flirts in this world. Alright, so what's the deal? What's wrong with a little
flirting? Flirting? Nothing's wrong with flirting. Unless you're flirting with Robin and dating
me. Oh, okay. Okay, so now you want a good person. It hurts, doesn't it? Well, that's
fine. It hurts. See, alright, here's the deal. If anybody cares, Polly and I used to date.
Used to. Used to is the key phrase here. Although we're much better friends. Yeah, we're great
close friends. So I'm a free man now, right? So I can play the field, do a little scouting.
Yeah, okay. Take a little inventory. Okay, well I'm doing a little scouting myself, but
you know, this time, Jare, I'm going to look for somebody with sincerity. It seems to be
the most important thing to me this time around. Well, fine. So, like, it's not important.
You know, sincerity's a very important thing. It's not really as high on my list. Okay,
okay. What is high on your list? I believe the fifth. I'm not going to say where it could
be. I'll just discriminate myself and end up getting smacked. I have a little list of
what I want, you know, and I have a couple things on that list that, and I don't think
they're too demanding. We don't really know what it is, but if we see it, we know it.
The guy, I like for him to be nice. Yeah, but you go for the looks too, because that's
your first impression. Yeah, you have to go. Yeah, that's just the way, but that's the
way you are. I like the kind of guy that wants us to see. I don't like boys that are really,
really sensitive. Yeah, I like girls funny and, you know, all that stuff, who's always
are very important when I'm looking for a guy, and they have to have the awesomest body.
Now, see, if I had said that looks were up at the top of my list, you would have said
I was shallow, and then you would have yelled at me, and you would have done all that. No,
Jeremy, that wouldn't be the only thing that makes you shallow. Oh, that was cute. Why
don't you just take a knife and cut my heart out? You have one? A knife? A heart. That's
good. You'd stand up all night just trying to figure out ways to humiliate me? Oh, Jeremy,
now come on. You know we had a good time together. You know, we could be a couple again. Well,
Jeremy, I'm not that desperate right now. You don't mean either? I was just making chit
chat. Man. My best friend's got a girlfriend. My other friend's got a girlfriend. All my
girlfriends have guy friends, you know, so I was thinking, what about me? Things will
happen on the weekend parties and stuff, and you'll feel like, oh, well, yeah, I can't show
up by myself. I have to have a boyfriend. A lot of my girlfriends talk about it a lot
that do have a boyfriend, and I don't right now. But then sometimes you get lonely. I
mean, you see everybody else. They have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. They look all sweet
and nice and stuff, and then when it comes down to it, you ain't got nobody, so you're
like, I need to get somebody. Jeremy, with our relationship, we are definitely not the
experts on this show. Yeah, we got a good friendship, but just we kind of botched up
the whole dating thing. No kidding. We can give him tips on what not to do. Yeah, that's
true. Why don't we spare everyone the continuing tug of our lives? What do you say? Let's turn
them over to Bill, our resident expert, Bill Myers. He knows a lot about dating. Yeah,
he's written a few books on some hot topics for teens, and he's directed several award-winning
films. Yeah, he's also co-creator of the McGee and Me series of videos, and he's a lot like
me. Only a lot more sincere. No, he's not. Sure he is. Okay, so he is.
I kind of like to think of dating like a race. You think about it for a minute. It's like
the great mate race. You walk out onto the track, and the crowd is cheering you on, and
everybody's staring, and you glance around, and you get down at the starting blocks, and
you prepare yourself, and then you look up the track, and you see that this isn't a 50-yard
dash, it's a marathon. Not only is it a marathon, it's got all these hurdles, and I can't go
through those hurdles. I've thought before, you know, what if no guys like me? I don't
know, you just don't know how to be around that person at first, and it's just weird
and awkward. You have to be careful what you say. You might tell a girl she looks nice
or something, and then, oh no, he likes me, or something like that. Totally take it the
wrong way. You don't know what else to do, because you're like, so. So you try and think
a step to talk about. Oh really? Okay, okay, time out. Stop right there. You've just started
the race, and suddenly you come across your first hurdle. Sweaty palms, the jitters. How
do you get started? What do you say? You want to feel comfortable talking to the opposite
sex? Well, this is what you do. You talk to the opposite sex. That's the way they call
me the expert. There's no shortcuts around this first hurdle, but it might be easier
like at a ball game or with friends, like at a youth activity. The point is, it's easier
to get started by going out with a group so that you don't have all this one-on-one pressure.
Okay, back on track. You've just gone over the first hurdle. You look up ahead, and guess
what's next. But I used to sit in my room and just think, you know, why is it everyone
has a boyfriend but me? I mean, am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I just a boring person to be
around? Or, you know, what's my problem? I really hate it when a guy is standing me up.
You say five more minutes, and you say ten more minutes, and you're still waiting there,
and they never show up, and it really ticks off when they dial it. That's my big scare,
is that I don't want to grow old alone. So guys are afraid to be rejected? I mean, tell
us all about it. Rejection. What a hurdle, huh? And you'll never be able to get over
that one without a little bit of self-confidence. You know, unless you like yourself, you can't
be yourself around others or handle the hurt when they seem to reject you. Do you like
yourself the way you are, or are there things about your appearance and your personality
that you'd like to change? First, give yourself an honest once-over. Are you a little bit
on the shy side? Then take a risk! Open up a little bit! Are you too abrasive? Then watch
your words. Don't like your hair? Now that's not too hard a change, is it? Now it might
take some work, but you can change some things about your looks and your personality, and
that may help you feel better about yourself. And now to the hard part. Except those things
you cannot change. I know, I know, your whole life you've dreamed of being nothing but a
professional basketball player. The only problem is you're about four foot eight. Or
maybe you've inherited your father's manly macho-ness and muscular build, but you happen
to be his daughter. Look, there are some things you simply cannot change. I know it can be
hard, but now's the time to accept yourself the way God made you. Unless, of course, you're
Michael Jackson, but that's another story now, isn't it? Look, the point is this. Once you've
been able to accept yourself, you can relax. You can take it easy. Don't take rejection
so seriously after that, because the dating process, well, in the process everybody gets
a few no's. My parents don't understand at all when it comes to guys. See, I'm not even
allowed to start double dating until I'm sixteen. I get home from a date. Hey, well, what y'all
do? I'm not telling you, Mom. What'd she say? I'm not telling you, Mom. And she keeps on
bugging me, you know what I mean? I don't have any boyfriends. My mom made them all
off. I'm a daddy's girl, and so he's really protective of me. And, like, they make up
a lot of rules for us that it's hard for us to follow. Like, we can only go out once a
week. So it puts kind of a strain on both of us, and it's hard a lot of times. I know,
I know it's hard, but you can't go around this hurdle. And believe it or not, God's
actually been known to give parents a little bit of authority and wisdom in how to raise
kids. Even in dating. Sorry. See, it's not like your parents have an owner's manual
with your name on it on how to raise you. A lot of times they've got to wing it. And
since raising happy parents is a fairly hot topic, we'll talk more about that in another
episode of Fast Forward. I trust my parents' opinion, you know. I mean, pretty much. Yeah.
Because my mother lives in fear that I'll start dating you again. Please, can we talk
about something else? Wait a minute, you're the one that brought it up first. No, look,
look. Here's an idea, okay? Let's be like Switzerland. Let's be neutral. Okay. No,
wait. I understand what you're saying. Okay. But we have to talk about breaking up now.
Paul, in case you don't remember, we broke up a couple of years ago. I know that, Jeremy.
Not us. Them. Oh. Oh, hey. Wow. Good luck. It's hard. It's hard to do. Breaking up is
hard to do. That's Neil Sadaka. I love Neil Sadaka. Yeah, I've been in love once
before. And it's tough when you get out of it. You know, I'm going out with a girl where
I think things are going great and the next thing I know she's telling me goodbye. And
it hurts. He broke up with me and he goes, well, I just want to be friends. And then,
like, the next day I was up at the mall and I saw him hanging around this other girl,
you know, hanging all over her. And I wouldn't have been so mad if he just said, well, I
want to see somebody else. I wouldn't have gotten mad because at least he had told me
that. I still love him immensely, greatly, tremendously, with all my heart and all my
soul. But I don't know if he really can understand that. I think Kathy is still a little bit
attached to me and I really don't want that to happen because right now I really don't
have any feelings for her that way. I thought everything was hunky dory, you know, that
we were still, you know, madly in love and that he was hopelessly devoted because he
had told me that, you know, oh, Kathy, when you leave I'm not going to be able to date
anybody else. And I couldn't take it. I just told her I have to date other people. And
that's just the way it's going to be. But I still, you know, I still love you. When
I first saw him with another girl, I mean, literally I felt like my heart was being stomped
on, like, I mean, because when I hurt, I didn't hurt just emotionally. I hurt, I mean,
I hurt physically. My chest felt like it was constricting, like it was just going to explode.
I tried to deal with it, you know, I tried to date him while he was dating other girls
and, you know, but I just, I couldn't look at other guys because I wanted Jason. Looking
back now I realize that she's pretty much different from me. You know, I just, all the
times I could remember he told me he loved me and I was, I wonder if all those things
were lies or if he ever meant any of them. I thought I did love her very much and I thought
I'd never ever, you know, give my love to anyone else. But guess what? I have. See,
when Jason broke up with Kathy, she was devastated. That's why in the Great Mate race this isn't
just a hurdle, it's more like running into a brick wall. See, finding that very special
person you love for a lifetime, well, it's a process. Breaking up is a very painful and
awkward part of that process, but it's necessary. Then, of course, you get all those well-meaning
comments like, ha, you two really weren't in love, were you? Yeah, puppy love, I've
seen it all the time or, or you guys were just infatuated. You see, the tough thing
about feeling the difference between love and infatuation is you can't. I'm sorry,
but the truth is when you're right in the middle of all of those feelings and emotions,
it feels exactly like the real thing. I'll tell you how. Infatuation is basically a self-centered
feeling. It deals with how good I feel about the other person, how much I enjoy thinking
about them, how much I enjoy her company. You see, real love, on the other hand, is
based on what's best for the other person. The Bible says that real love is patient
and kind. It's not self-seeking and it keeps no records of wrongs. So, if you think you've
finally found that special somebody, take your time. If it's real and the love is mutual,
she's not going anywhere. If it's love, that desire to please him, it's not going
to leave. Jeremy, you know, Bill is right about the pain of breaking up. I mean, remember
that last argument we had in the parking lot? You really ought to let go of this, have you?
Well, Jeremy, I thought it was going to last forever. We broke up, what, six times in
two years? Fine, blame it all on me, blame it all on me. I always do it, it's always
mine. You always have excuses for everything. I'm just glad that we didn't, you know, rush
into anything, you know, like talking about marriage. Whoa, whoa, hello. Time out. No,
wait a second. That hurts just thinking about it. I got to go, I got to shave. I'll see
you. All right. I want to make sure that I marry somebody that's, you know. That it doesn't
die down. Yeah, that it's not going to die down, you know. I'm scared because it's like
a total commitment. I mean, you don't get, it's like you're with this person for the
rest of your life. I don't have any plans to because I really don't want to end up like
my mother and my father, you know, going through divorces. I'm praying to God, you know, even
now, Lord send me the right person and let me know, really, who I'm supposed to marry.
Every girl that I've liked so far, I've always thought in my mind, you know, what if we were
older, you know, do you think I'd marry her? Yeah, I'd probably marry her. Then when they
really get me mad, I would say, no way, I'm sure glad we're not older, you know, I'm sure
glad. I didn't meet her when I was like 25, so I wouldn't marry her. What if they're bad
or what if, you know, I get tied down to them and then I realize I made a mistake and then
both of us have to break up and get hurt and go through all this crap. Can I say that word?
At our school, kind of when you start sitting with someone at lunch for more than a couple
days, they start sending out wedding invitations and think you're going to get married.
You might want to hold off on sending out the wedding invitations just yet, because
marriage is the end of the great mate race, the finish line. But from what we've just
heard here, it sounds like a lot of you are pretty frightened about the whole thing.
Marriage has been around as long as people. Remember, when God created Adam and Eve, one
of the first things he said was, therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother
and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh. What? I've got one
minute left here. I've got three more points I want to share with you, okay? Sorry.
Number one, marriage begins by leaving all other relationships. That's right. In order
to start a new family, you have to leave behind all your other relationships. Not completely
forget about them, but they've got to take a back seat in your life, because once you
marry, you're now committed to one person.
Number two, marriage means a lifetime of cleaving. Right, cleaving. Guys, what's cleaving? Cleaving
simply means to bind together like super glue, to be so attached to each other that there's
no way you can separate. And you get that way by spending time together, by doing things
together, by finding mutual interests. You know, even those tough times can help us cleave.
The final principle, and number three for those of you that are keeping track, is the
process of becoming one flesh. Right, finally the good stuff, yes? Well, yes, but there's
more to it. You see, becoming one flesh is a lot more than just a physical thing, but
that's a lot of fun. It's also an emotional thing. You know, sure making love is a part
of it, but there really is a lot more. See, it's a process. It's a process of learning
to share your feelings without rejection. And over time two people actually do become
one flesh. All this to say, marriage, as God sees it, is a lot more than an expensive dress
or wedding presents or sex. It's a big step that requires two very mature, unselfish people.
You have to be friends with them first and, you know, like get to be their best friend
or whatever. She's my best friend and I can tell her anything. So I really watch who I
date thinking, you know, I can marry this girl. You know, not that I'm going to get married
soon, but I think things like when I'm out on dates, would I like to marry someone like
this? I just think it's easier just to date around and meet different people, find out
what they're like, and then I'm sure eventually I'll meet somebody and it'll just click. It's
good to have a relationship like where you can just go out and have fun, you know, like
go to the movies or something and just, you know, go laugh around and stuff, you know?
My wedding night. You guys want to hear about my wedding night? Here I was, a good boy.
We'd been pure and chaste throughout the whole ordeal and here comes the wedding and finally
the big night came. Ah, the big night. My wedding night finds me in bed with a 103 degree
temperature. Big time flu. The flu on my wedding night is all I could do to make it
through the ceremony. About an hour later I'm like unconscious in the bed, totally wiped
out. So that's how I spend my wedding night. Pretty racy stuff, huh?
Yeah, I wondered what guys' problem is. They sit there and, well, I'm getting married to
a virgin someday and they're out there having sex with all of them. It's like, well, forget
it. You're out there doing it with them. There ain't going to be any left. Girls aren't all
that innocent. It's hard being a Christian and then having hormones try to take over
when you're with a girl. Sometimes when, you know, one of my friends and their boyfriend
have already had sex, you don't think, you think maybe a lightning bolt's going to come
crash down. You watch them and they don't seem to be having fights, problems, and you're
like, gosh, okay, well, they're doing alright. And I'm out with my boyfriend and I'm like,
gosh, you know, what's the deal? And you really question that, even if you're, you know, I'm
not going to. But gosh, you can't sit there and deny that the thoughts don't go through
your head. The media and society in general make sex look like if you don't do it, you
know, after a couple of dates with a girl or something, then you're weak or something
and you're not as strong as you should be. I feel like if I do things that God does not
want me to do that somehow I'm going to get one of those diseases. I can just see me having
AIDS or something, that's awful. I think it was one weekend when his parents went out
to town and I came over and it just kind of happened. It didn't seem bad unless I thought
about it, but then I never did. He thinks that you can't get pregnant, that nothing,
it can't happen to you. When he found out I was pregnant, it was, it was like he said
he was going to support me, but then since my mom told him that he couldn't be around
anymore, he said okay, you know, and he wasn't. I don't care for him anymore. I don't feel
anything for him anymore. At first I thought it might be neat to have a baby, you know,
because I wasn't thinking realistically. I was thinking, yeah, this will be cool, you
know, I'll have this baby of my own and it will be so cool, you know, and it kind of
upsets me because sometimes I can't go out and do things with my friends because I always
have to either find a babysitter or have my mom watch him and then I feel like I'm imposing
on her. You can't do things that a lot of kids our age are supposed to be able to do,
you know, go out and go to parties and stuff. I regret what I did. I regret what happened.
I was proud of being a virgin and now I wish I still was.
Fifteen. Who's ready to be a parent at fifteen? See, in this great mate race, sex comes at
the finish line, after marriage. Oh sure, the media, your friends or your own hormones
are telling you that sex before marriage is just a good time, minor indulgence. I mean,
if you're using a condom, it's safer, right? I mean, if nobody's getting hurt, it shouldn't
be that big of a deal. Well, the point is, everybody's getting hurt and it is a big deal.
Now it's true, no lightning bolt's going to come out of the sky and strike the offending
couples, but there are consequences, big consequences. Hey listen, condoms not only can't
guarantee protection from pregnancy and disease, but they certainly won't protect you from
the emotional damage. You know, I can't tell you how many kids I've talked to who have
withdrawn from God and withdrawn from everybody because of the guilt they're feeling. Or even
married couples who can't enjoy sex because they're so worried about being compared to
past partners. When you have sex outside of marriage, you're giving away pieces of yourself
to different people. So by the time you meet the right person, there's nothing left to
give. That's a good question. In many ways, the sexual urge is no different from, say,
hunger. I mean, by itself there's nothing wrong with hunger. It's a perfectly natural
and healthy desire as long as I keep it under control. And the same is true with sex. It's
a great desire as long as you're controlling it and it isn't controlling you. You want
to know how? I'll tell you how and I hope you're listening because this is important.
You've got to set your standards and be willing to discuss those boundaries with your date
before you get into the sexual situations. You see, without boundaries, you'll never
be able to stop when your hormones kick into gear. And if you're already having sex, you
know what you can do? You can stop. You can change your dating habits. You can avoid
tempting situations. I mean, pass on those secluded parking spots where you keep fogging
up the windows. Find a replacement for those make-out times in front of the TV. Replace
them with activities, with group activities. When I go out on a date, I let a guy know
from the get-go that I have standards and if he wants to go out with me, then he has
to go by my rules and play by my rules. It feels a lot better to go on a date, eat dinner,
go watch a movie and just take her home and just give her a kiss and then just leave it
at that. My girlfriends would say, well, why haven't you had sex yet? And I'd just tell
them that that's not something I believe in. You shouldn't put yourself in those situations
because then it's just harder and harder to get out of it. Don't start something that
you can't stop. Just don't. Get away from it. Flee it. Stay away from it. Once I had
to break off a date because I was going out with this guy and I found out that he really
pressures girls to have sex with him and I did not want to do that. I really didn't
want to be put in that situation. Thankfully, I've been able to abstain from sex. It's
only one incident where I almost went past that line. I just thank God that I've been
able to save myself so when I get married, my wife will be the first person. Man, it's
going to be an exciting time. I'm looking forward. When I get married, I'm a honeymoon.
I hear you. You know, if I can just find Mr. and Mrs. Right, then the fireworks will
start and suddenly my life will have meaning, right? Wrong. You see, that fullness and meaning
that everyone keeps searching for, it can never be found in a human relationship. It's
custom built for one person and one person only. God. Anything else we try to fill it
with will always lead to frustration and disappointment. The idea is this. It's for
two whole people to come together. Two people whose lives are already filled with Jesus
Christ. All this to say, if God has given you the desire to find a mate, make sure you
have the right motivation and that you're looking for a life partner, not someone to
fill up the emptiness that only Christ can fill. If we keep that in mind, then our expectations
will be a whole lot more realistic. All right, Jeremy. What did you learn on today's show?
Okay. I learned it was better to have loved than lost, than never to have loved at all.
All right. Better to be kissed by a fool than fooled by a kiss. It's very funny. Listen,
why don't you just say goodbye? See ya. Okay, how about this one? Love. He's a mini-splain
of things. Could you have listened today? Love is feeling. You could have used it more
than anyone in the world. Remember I said about sincerity. Remember that? Sincerity.
Oh, please. I'm sincere. Remember all that? I'm sincere. Okay. You didn't pay attention.
You didn't learn anything. You could have gotten better. But I know you're there. You
could have become a better person. I'm a great person. All right. And I don't need anyone
to tell me that because I know. I've read all the books and I'm okay with me. All right.
I love me.