(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)
(EXPLOSION)
(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, what do we have here?
Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
(SCREAMS)
Music, food, decorations.
Well, everything is coming together perfectly.
Uh, Ren, I think
you forgot one tiny little detail.
It's a Sadie Hawkins dance.
The girls ask the boys but you haven't asked anybody yet.
Oh. Well, you know, I've been busy planning.
I just haven't had any time.
But the dance is tomorrow.
Well, what about you? You haven't asked anyone either.
That's different. I am the spontaneous type
while you, on the other hand, are the planning type.
It's not like you to wait till the last minute.
Ren, why in the ding-dong dell was this delivered to our school today?
Oh, Principal Wexler, sir, I'm sorry.
The pig was not supposed to be arriving till tomorrow night.
It's for the hillbilly theme for the Sadie Hawkins dance.
It's a health hazard. Or a zoning violation.
Either way, it has formed an odd attraction to my ankle.
Just get it out of my office.
Oh... oh... um, sir what am I supposed to do with a pig
until tomorrow night?
Start with housebreaking.
Sir?
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
GIRL: There he is!
Ladies, ladies... thank you all
for your invitations to the Sadie Hawkins dance
but please just be patient.
I should be making my decision pretty soon.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up? I'm Louis.
GIRL: Yeah, no kidding. So what.
How are you getting all these girls to ask you to the dance?
Dude, I don't know.
It's, like, ever since the Sadie Hawkins day thing
I'm, like, this big babe magnet.
I'm like a lint magnet.
I mean, how am I getting this stuff all over my trousers?
GIRL: Call you later, Alan.
So how many girls have asked you to the dance?
I don't know... seven, eight.
Eight dates?
Oh, wow! I mean, the only other guy with that many offers is Tad Taylor.
LOUIS: That guy.
What do girls see in that kid? Please tell me.
I don't know. I mean, why do all the really good looking guys
with sparkling personalities get all the girls?
I don't understand it.
You know what I do understand, though?
That the dance is tomorrow night
and not one girl has come within 50 feet of me.
I bet it's cause they all think Tawny's going to ask you.
You know what? I thought the same thing.
I thought she was.
But then this whole week, she's been avoiding me.
If there's one thing I understand as of today.
It's the ladies, okay?
And it is 100 percent guaranteed, bro. We're not talking 90 percent, okay?
- 100 percent guaranteed. - 100 percent, I got ya.
That Tawny is going to ask you.
I hope you're right, man.
So, uh... what would you say my prospects are
for getting a date?
- Hey, Lou, will you pass the salt. - Here you go.
Hey, Ren...
Um... nice pig.
- Can I talk to you? - Oh, sure, sure.
- What's up? - Um...
Hold on... (SQUEALING SOFTLY)
(GROANS)
Go ahead.
It's about this whole Sadie Hawkins thing.
I mean... how embarrassing is this going to be?
Oh, it's going to be great.
We got a hay ride, square dancing and hitching post...
It's going to be pretty embarrassing but I'm making it cool.
Well, the idea of the girls asking the guys
is kind of empowering, but...
I don't do hillbilly.
Oh, trust me.
If you get into the spirit of it, it'll be fun.
So, are you going to ask a certain someone?
No. I think I'm going to ask Louis.
(LAUGHS) Good one.
What about you, Ren? You gonna ask Bobby, huh?
That's actually been over for awhile.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Well again, nice pig.
Thanks.
GIRL: Hey, Twitty.
TWITTY: Dude, dude here comes Tawny, man.
I bet this is it.
It's about time.
Yeah, yeah. See, she was just playing you.
You know, making you sweat a little.
Yeah, you know, girls are always doing that.
Or, you know, so I've read.
Guys, she wasn't making me sweat, okay?
Hey, just play it cool, okay?
Hmm... Louis, can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, yeah, sure. I got a minute.
So, what's up?
Hmm... It's about that whole Sadie Hawkins dance.
Yeah, yeah, I figured. I figured that's what it was about.
You wouldn't believe how many girls have been asking me out to that thing.
I tell you, I can't keep their paws off me.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I need some of that babe repellent like Tom uses.
Hey! I'll have you know that's my cologne: Midnight in Cairo.
So, do you already have a date?
I mean, you know how it is.
Testing the waters, scoping out my options.
So what about you?
Anybody you're thinking about asking to the dance?
No.
(LAUGHS) No!
No?
Look, I wouldn't go to that stupid dance if somebody paid me.
Oh, and good luck keeping the babes away, Louis.
What just happened?
I said play it cool.
Yeah, and you played the fool! Sorry.
You know, I just like to bust the occasional rhyme.
Honestly, Ren. I have heard a lot of excuses in my career.
No, but it's true, Ms. Lovelson!
A pig really did eat my homework.
There is only one fair way to decide
who's going to take me to the dance.
Can we get this over with already, please?
Dude, what's your problem?
What's my problem?
I'll tell you what my problem is. You have a wheel of dates.
I have a wheel of nothing. That's my problem.
Okay? Spin the wheel.
Big money, big money big money, big money
big money!
Tom's mom.
Oh...
Sorry, that must've have fallen out of my wallet.
Go ahead.
BOTH: Lindsey Lang.
Sweet.
I'm really happy for you, dude.
Thanks, man.
I'm sorry you blew that whole thing with Tawny.
Yeah, you sure did, Louis!
It looks like you and me are up dateless creek without a paddle.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
No, Donnie. Okay, hold on.
Donnie, girl, woman!
What is on your head?
It's mayonnaise.
I was making chicken salad, but I decided to give myself
a hydrating scalp treatment instead.
It's...
But don't tell her that.
Tell her that I'm out somewhere and I'm up to no good.
Hello? Yeah, he's not here right now.
As a matter of fact, haven't seen him all day.
He's out somewhere up to no good.
Okay.
Bye.
Message?
Yeah. Lexie thinks you're hot.
I'm telling you, man. It's that bad boy thing.
Gets 'em every time.
(BELL DINGS)
Got to rinse.
Did you just hear that?
Girls dig bad boys.
What's up? I'm bad. What's up, brother?
What's up, sister girl?
I'm still bad, I'm still bad.
- What's up? - Stevens!
Clean up that mess immediately. And get rid of that tattoo!
Yes, sir, right away.
Hey, what do you think about Adam Kane?
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
All right. Good enough.
Hi, Adam, I know it's last minute and all
and I was just wondering if you...
I'm sorry about that.
Oh, gosh, I know it's late and everything, but...
Ooh, wow. That smells.
I don't know what got into him.
Actually, I do. It's Adam's burrito.
I am so sorry. He's usually not this aggressive.
So will you go to the dance with me?
Three minutes left and this bad boy's still available.
Hey, sweetheart, how you doing?
Give me a call.
I'm working on that muscle.
- Stevens! - Yes, sir! Right away.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay?
Hey, any luck?
No, not one girl, man.
I knew Donnie's whole bad boy thing wouldn't work.
The mayonnaise must've soaked through his brain.
What up, dawgs?
And that's spelled D-A-W-G-S.
Nice look, Fonzie,
but I could have told you that whole bad boy thing
isn't going to work.
Au contraire, Pierre.
This is Gwendolyn. My date.
This is not happening.
You got two minutes to find a date.
Two minutes?
There's Tawny, man.
You know, you should go apologize to her for being such a dufus.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tawny, Tawny.
Look, come here, come here.
Okay, listen...
Why are you dressed that way?
Because, um... up to no good.
Don't listen to what I just said. Forget that.
I'm going to lay the cards on the table, okay?
You don't have a date to the dance, right?
I don't have a date to the dance.
Why don't you just ask me?
Well, see, there's just one little problem with your logic, Louis.
I do have a date.
See ya.
(BELL RINGS)
Louis, there you are. I've been looking for you.
Really?
Yeah. I have something to ask you.
Sure, go ahead.
I don't know how to say this, but...
Yes, I'll go. I'll go to the dance with you.
Actually, I was going to ask you to give this pig feed to Ren.
It's stinking up my locker.
Okay.
But I'm a fly-by-the-seat- of-my-pants kind of gal.
So, sure I'll go to the dance with you.
You will? You will?
You will! Great! I want us to have the best time ever.
Okay, we'll have more fun than a fuzzy bath pillow.
All r... Fuzzy... pillow?
This is some good stuff.
Hey, Lou, glad to see you could make it.
Yeah.
See you got yourself a little date here.
I have to say we were all a little worried about you.
Truth be told, I had Doris on stand-by.
Doris?
Your mom Doris?
Tom, no, I'm not going to go out with your mom.
For you guys' information, I have a date, okay?
I was asked to the dance by the head of the cheerleading squad.
Dude, you're going to the dance with Monique?
Yes, I am.
- Dude, she's a total babe. - Yes.
MONIQUE: Yee-haw!
Monique?
I gotcha, you rascally critter.
You wanted fun? Well, hold on to your britches.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Ah, come on, Gwendolyn, I'll get us some punch
and don't you even think about lassoing me, now.
Hint, hint.
(SNORTING)
You know, me not having a date for the dance is all your fault.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?
That's just fine, because you know what?
After tonight, we'll just go our separate ways.
WEXLER: Let's give a big Sadie Hawkins welcome
to our favorite square dance caller.
"Haystack" Steve Stevens!
How-dee!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Come on, folks, let's raise a ruckus!
- Yee-haw! - (SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Listen up, everybody.
Walk around your corner.
Do-pass-oh.
Partner left, corner by the right.
Back to the partner with a left-hand turn.
(CACKLING)
Slip the clutch.
Come on, Louis, let's get out there and get our square dance on.
Uh, you know, Monique I'm not really into square dancing.
I'm more a circular kind of guy, okay?
Hey, Louis, hi.
Hey.
You know my date Tad.
Yes.
Hey, Tad, sorry about your shirt, buddy.
You know my date Monique?
Nice teeth.
Come on, Tad, let's get out there and have some fun.
Oh, come on, Monique
let's go out there and have some more fun!
That's the spirit. Yee-haw!
STEVE: Allemande left, partner right
weave the ring...
and swing that pretty little thing.
And promenade.
Yee-ha-ha!
Pretty little girl with the turned-up nose
freckled face and barefoot toes.
Put them ladies back to back.
Men go round the outside track.
Swing your partner up and down, swing your partner round and round.
(SCREAMING)
Yee-haw! (LAUGHS)
(SCREAMING)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
Swing!
(SCREAMING)
Good job, Louis, you let the pig out.
No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.
Here.
(GRUNTING)
(AMPLIFIED GRUNTING)
There you are.
You know, you have messed up
this whole Sadie Hawkins thing for me.
That's right.
Well, truth be told,
I'm glad you scared away all my potential dates.
After Bobby and I broke up
well, I didn't feel like going with anybody.
(GRUNTING)
You're right, it is his loss.
You know, we've shared so much, and I don't even know your name.
How about Mr. Oinks?
(GRUNTS)
No, that's too cutesy.
How about Timmy?
Timmy's good, right?
(LOUD GRUNT)
Gather up, y'all. It's hitchin' time.
Louis?
Louis, there you are.
Hey, Monique.
I was just looking for you.
Sure you were.
Um... yeah.
I am the justice of the peace.
If'n there's any fillies wantin' to get hitched
drag your fella on up here
for an old-fashioned mountain wedding.
Come on, Louis let's go get hitched.
You know, I can't.
Because I've got this thing...
in my thing...
which causes my thing to become, uh...
unhitched.
Ain't got no brides in the house?
Well, it looks like we're going to have
to close up the old hitchin' post.
Um, wait, Justice,
me and this here feller want to be hitched.
Mel's bells, step right up.
Louis, I thought you said you wanted to have fun tonight.
No, no, I did. I mea... I do, I want to.
I want to.
But you'd rather be with Tawny?
Tawny? No, that's ridiculous.
MONIQUE: Louis, look.
You're in the seventh grade, I'm in the eighth.
I know a thing or two about a thing or two.
People, we are gathering here today to join together this gal and her fella
in mock matrimony.
Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry, Monique.
What am I supposed to do now?
Go get 'er, cowboy.
So if y'all want to get hitched say "Wahoo!"
Wa... No!
Stevens, what are you doing?
- I object! - I didn't ask if anybody objected.
So, I still object.
This whole wedding... is a mockery.
Ooh, you're a sharp tack, Stevens.
So, he should be wearing a shirt. I mean, come on.
Louis, what are you doing?
Uh, I don't know.
Somebody donate this man a shirt.
Excuse us just for one minute.
LOUIS: It's Sadie Hawkins, not Tarzan. Come on.
She looks good.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Louis, why did you ruin my wedding? - Look, sit down, please.
Look, I know you're just doing this to get back at me.
Oh, really?
Now, why would I go and do a thing like that?
Because I thought you were going to ask me to the dance
and then you didn't.
I was acting all cool in front of everybody
and then I messed everything up.
How did you make those words come out of my mouth?
I'm a girl. That's what I do.
Well, I'm a guy and I don't know what to do.
I mean why does everything have to be so complicated?
'Cause you made it that way.
Yeah.
I wish there was like a...
you know, a reset button or something, you know?
You could just press it and go back in time and start over.
Yeah, it's too bad I'm already engaged.
We should get back out there.
Yeah.
Yee-haw!
I now pronounce you hitched.
Looks like we're both off the hook.
You may now shake your tail feathers.
(SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Louis, do you want to dance?
Well, I don't know. I've had so many offers today.
Sure.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, how was the dance?
Oh, it was great.
We won cutest couple.
We? I thought you didn't have a date.
Okay...
REN: You know what? Timmy's a looker.
Well, I guess I'm not losing a daughter
I'm just gaining a hog.
That was bad.
(BOTH LAUGHING)