Well, that's just about our time, so thank you very much.
Thanks, fellas. Thanks, fellas. I appreciate that.
William, what gives? You're doing this interview, am I?
I mean, listen, we look alike.
Here we go. Go on. Bye.
This will be great.
Yeah, actually, it's better than drugs, let me tell you.
Wait, you're over there.
You're over there? Good, thank you.
Just listen to our voices and talk.
Got you. Got you. Okay, you must be William. Okay. Thank you.
Cindy, your first feature film role...
First any film.
First any film role? I mean, how did it feel, first day walking onto the set? You had such a reputation.
Well, fortunately, we knew each other for ten years, and so it was nice to be able to work with a friend.
But, you know, the first time the director said action, it was scary because, you know, I thought, well, here it goes. You might as well just jump in.
Do you remember your first line, or was it just a look you had to give?
Remember what? There was something funny I said the very first day because we were in a car, and I said...
Sometimes they give you two actions, one for the car to move and then one for you to start talking.
So the very first thing they have on me up film is me saying, oh, so when you say action, do I talk?
Like, completely dumb model lines.
But what I meant was, is the first action for me or is the first action for the car? But it was kind of classic, and they saved that moment.
And what they're thinking at that moment is, oh, come on.
Exactly. The whole crew was like, this is going to be a long...
We knew we should have gone with Madonna.
So, William, when you first heard that Cindy was going to be doing this movie, did you think, oh, great, there go all my headlines?
No, no, not at all. That's, you know, obviously part of the reason why I did the picture was because Cindy was doing it,
and obviously you can tell by the reaction of the crowd that there was going to be a lot of positive energy around her big screen debut.
Oh, it's 50-50. I mean, you make a very beautiful couple. I don't know who I'm in love with at the moment.
I think that says more about you than it says about me.
Yes, it says I'm a very sad man.
There's a lot of stunt work in this movie. In fact, we've got some footage of some of the more thrilling sequences.
There it is. Yes.
Oh, oh, oh.
You ever use a camera? The same principle. Point and shoot.
Dad!
Whoa.
That's not...
It's obviously a thinker's film.
Other than that, it's really like intellectual.
Very cerebral.
Yeah, it's very Woody Allen movie in a style. Did you actually do the stunts? Did you get your hair mustered with stunt doubles for the whole?
No, we did most everything. Really?
I mean, except for everything you just saw.
There was one stunt, if I may speak on your behalf. I think, you know, obviously they didn't blow Cindy off the balcony.
But that wasn't a dummy either. That was a stunt person.
That was a real live person.
Yeah, it was scary.
That they kind of like slingshot off the ramp, you know, over and around.
But I jumped on the train while it was moving. I wasn't supposed to do that stunt.
I was supposed to just run up alongside and touch it and then let go. And then the stunt person would do the jump.
But in fact, it was more scary running and letting go because your body's kind of going with the momentum.
But I got in trouble because there's an insurance guy from Warner Brothers on the set.
And we would compare bruises every day. This is what happened to me.
Well, how tough was this insurance guy? What, did he hit you?
No, he didn't.
You're not allowed to do that!
I don't get it. I'm so crazy!
You had an acting coach with you. I don't know how this works.
Is the acting coach standing there as you're doing this thing going,
Okay, anger, no pain, or there's the hand signals?
Yeah, little things like that.
No, most of the work that you do is before you actually get on the set.
The director's really the boss when you're on the set.
He does everything. A lot of it was just moral support.
A lot of it was just helping me learn my lines, breaking down a script.
And then we worked a lot together. It was great working with Billy because he wasn't like,
Oh, I'm the pro. I'm going to show you how it's done.
We really formed a partnership. And I did learn a lot from him.
But he kind of let me pick and choose what I wanted to take instead of spoon feeding.
There's actually an interesting scene with you too, which is you got to do a love scene.
And we've got a clip of that here. And it is quite a tender moment.
Mm-hmm.
Back up!
For what?
Or I'll take your damn house!
That was a good right thing.
Head it up!
What did you give me your best shot? Come on. I'm waiting.
Saxophone.
Very nice to be my first date.
I'm not very familiar with American ways. Is this foreplay in America?
It can be.
It can be?
Yeah.
Interesting. William, that looked like you're almost taking real blows here. What's the technique?
Well, you know, Cindy, there was a couple times where she did tag me.
Really?
I'm not an experienced puncher or whatever. And a couple times I would do it and I, you know...
Well, she had a handcuff on too and the handcuff clipped me in the nose a few times.
Oh, great. I'd love to see the goof tape from this movie.
Yeah, it actually was probably not that funny. It was probably kind of painful.
And then when we did the slap, I really slapped him because he wanted me to.
I'm not fooled. Between consenting adults, that is absolutely fun. Not a problem at all.
Actually, the stunt day where you jumped off the boat at the end with the huge explosion behind you, that seemed to be you.
That was us.
And was there a huge explosion behind you?
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah.
They put...
Well, you know, it's all done by... it's tricks, you know. They have like a low angle, long lens and that...
I mean, those explosions are relatively safe and they're relatively controlled, but they're not an exact science, you know what I mean?
Right.
But the way the angle they shoot it on, it makes it look like it's, you know, coming up... it is coming up behind you, but it's not coming over you.
So this thing was actually about 20 miles behind you.
No, I got burned one. I got...
Well, not on that shot. She got burned on something else.
When we were running from the... when we were running, right before that we were running, and you can see in the film, you can see my body kind of react to heat and it wasn't acting. It was real.
She got hit by it.
Yeah, the flame. But they cover you with this slimy stuff.
Zell gel.
Fire gel, yeah.
Really?
So that, you know, I was more worried about my hair, which is highly flammable.
Loads of fun, that's a good idea.
Sounds fabulous. And just let me guess, this gel really smells bad, I'll bet, and it's hard to get off.
No, but the guys who put it on you usually do.
It was like the stunt guys. I had many volunteers to put my fire gel on my body.
To dip you in the fire gel.
Safety is a paramount concern on these films.
All of a sudden they were very concerned.
Yeah, yeah.
But I was most concerned about my hair because you couldn't put it on my hair, and the hair is highly flammable with all the goop that was in it, so it was interesting.
That shot that you saw, though, was probably... first of all, that wasn't even on the boat. That was in a parking lot.
Oh, I'm sorry. Trade secrets.
You were my heroes up until about eight-seven.
I know. But we did the one thing, we did jump off the back of the boat.
We did everything on the boat.
But the one where it's like an up angle, that was in a parking lot.
Did you do that stuff with the coffee cups, you know, that was very good, just drinking from the coffee.
Was that you guys? That was excellent stuff.
Well, I mean, you actually used to work for a congressman in Washington. Did a career in politics help you with acting, you know, saying things you don't really mean?
Yeah, yeah.
The one thing I learned from working in Washington is that I didn't want a career in Washington, that's for sure.
Well, in the news recently, there's been your brother Alec attacking a photographer.
Are the paparazzi this much scum? Are they really? Yeah?
Yeah, I have to say, I've had a couple conflicts.
I mean, my brother, I think, was on The Tonight Show, and this is how I keep in touch with my brother.
I watch him on The Tonight Show.
Do you want to send him a message now in case he watches?
Yeah, in case he happens to be picking up on satellite.
Hello to the baby.
You know, he said something to the effect that, you know, there's a forum.
The guy was complaining, hey, I got a job to do, I got to earn a living, I got a family to feed, and my brother said, you know, there's a forum for that.
And when I'm trying to get a job as an actor, I don't stand in Scorsese's driveway and recite Shakespearean monologues, you know, bellowing up to his window, you know, from the driveway.
I thought it was, you know, kind of cute.
And you find paparazzi a problem?
Well, I think, you know, yeah.
I do, yes. I mean, when we were in Miami, even, there was a photograph of me standing in my bathroom putting makeup on.
Thank God I was clothed, but, you know, it could have just as easily...
In your own bathroom?
Yeah, like through, and I was on an island, so they were shooting across the water into the window of my bathroom.
You know, the lens must have been like this big. I don't know how they got in there.
So that, you know, there's a certain time where you, you know, there should be some space that's considered private.
Well, fortunately, there are no cameras in here at all tonight. This has been completely private.
It's been nice chatting with you in a private environment.
Yeah, absolutely. This won't go beyond this. A few people in this room. Cindy Williams, it's been a pleasure. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh, getting your scatter cushions to stay in a comfy arrangement isn't easy because, well, scatter cushions scatter.
But there is a way of keeping them exactly where you want them.
Just attach Velcro strips to your cushions. That way your comfy scatter cushion arrangement won't just stay in place.
That would be horrible.
Adelaide welcomed the Beatles in 1964. Now they're back.
Mum! I've been silent long enough. You've been eating too much of that frozen food. But you need someone to cook for you.
Beautiful meals you can put fresh in the fridge until you need them. Yes, but you're too busy to make them.
Look, fresh pasta, sauces, pizza, quiches, gourmet Australian cheeses, freshly prepared meals.
Mmm, lasagna. And you didn't make this?
Well, who did? Mum, of course. Who else?
The model Helena Christensen has just made a brilliant discovery. The new CoverGirl Continuous Colour Collection.
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At Westfield they make you feel welcome when you arrive. And you still feel welcome when you leave.
Have a good day.
John, you remember Bill. Who joins you? The guy who had that terrible car accident last year. Yeah.
Well, he's coming back to work on Monday. That's great.
John, you remember Bill. Who joins you? The guy who had a mental breakdown last year. Yeah.
Well, he's coming back to work on Monday.
One in five people will suffer from mental illness. How much they suffer depends on our attitude.
That's great.
This or this. Nah. This.
This or this. This.
This or this. Nah. This.
Get real with the boss.
Audiences rave about seven. Amazing. Go see it. Go and see it. It's fantastic. Fantastic.
I'm still shivering about it. Go see it. Gotta be seen to be believed. Go see it a hundred times. It's brilliant.
Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman. Seven of you have ever seen anything like this. No.
Monday. I'm gonna use an electric razor. I do.
It's a very special television event.
From the all time classics. First thing she wakes up, feels for mums.
I say, marriage, I can feel for my own love.
To today's biggest stars.
It's the very best of Australian comedy.
Relive the moments you'll never forget when Andrew Datto hosts Seven's Salute to Comedy, Monday.
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I do like that.
Really cool people knew Katie Lang long before her smash hit album, Orange and You, from her earlier releases such as Absolute Torch and Twang and Shadowlands.
But now with this, her new album All You Can Eat, those tragic few who still haven't caught up with her can find out what it is about her magic voice that makes people melt.
Please welcome in small letters, Katie Lang.
A running outfit?
Yeah. I just came from the gym.
Oh, so that's why you're wearing a running outfit.
Yeah, I didn't have time to change, but I didn't think you would mind.
No, no, no. We can jolt during the interview.
Okay.
Sure. How are we going?
Okay. So, I'm physically stupid about this. I'm exhausted. I'm not very well.
I'm never ready, man.
I can't think of a more beautiful medium to work in than music. I'm actually jealous. Is it like that for you or do you tire of it?
No. I never tire of music.
Yeah?
Music is divine.
Yeah.
Truly.
Do you actually consider yourself blessed to have this gift that that's the art form you work in?
Yes. If I can say that immodestly, yes.
You can say it immodestly.
Well, I think that the voice isn't mine. I think it's a gift.
Who says that?
It's God's.
He's here?
Yes. God is here.
So, God is a woman. It's true.
Yeah.
We're living through it.
And she's mad at you.
Why? What did I do?
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
I've always been great friends with God. We used to hang around together as kids, everything.
Really?
Yeah. Yeah. Except he didn't believe in me. She didn't believe me.
She didn't.
Sorry. We have a clip here of the single, which we're about to run, which is called If I Were You. There it is.
It's a strange thing here, KD.
Yeah.
We'll see it in a minute.
If I were you, I would have everything. If I were you.
Dad?
Yes.
Why are you on the toilet?
I don't know. It's just one of those strange things that one has license to do when you're an artist.
Because you used to be into performance art, didn't you?
Yeah, I did.
Was this standing around for hours doing the inner thoughts of an apple? What was it?
Yeah. Yeah, actually. Emulating Yoko Ono. But, yeah. Performance art basically has no restrictions.
No? So what did you do?
We did a 12-hour reenactment of the first plastic heart surgery.
There was a call for that at the time, wasn't there?
That was quite a performance. People came. We only let people in for like three hours from seven to nine. We actually started quite early in the morning.
They must have been furious to have to go after just three hours.
They were. They really wanted to stay, but we had to escort them out.
See how it worked out. 12-hour performance. I hope that's released on video one day.
I'll send you a copy.
Thank you. That would be excellent. The song there, If I Were You, seems to me, reading into the lyrics, that you're saying that you would like to lead someone else's life. Is that how it goes?
Yours. Mine?
But as a blonde.
Yeah.
Is that really how it goes? Do you sometimes have the feeling you'd like to lead someone else's life?
Yeah. For sure.
Why? You've got a good one.
I've got a good one, yeah.
Yeah?
But, you know, I'm a human. I want more, more, more.
What more could you have? You've got a magnificent career. You've got gold records. You've got little type at the front of your name. You've got that all.
I want capital letters, damn it.
You've got to work for those, Katie.
Okay.
Does everyone call you Katie or do people call you Katherine?
My mother calls me Katherine when she's irked with me.
Irked? And why does she get irked with you?
I know various things.
I'm just trying to imagine what would be playing up in the Lang household.
I'm trying to think as well. I can't think of it right now.
Okay. You describe your unease with the U.S. celebrity experience. What was megafame like?
Well, I don't think I've had megafame.
Well, you know, compared to most people I know you have.
Okay. Well, for one, you get invited to parties that you really don't know anyone.
And then when you get there you kind of realize that they're not really interested in you.
They're sort of interested in you showing up at their party. That's kind of a downer.
Yeah. So why do they invite you if they're not interested in you?
Because it's good for their party if they have lots of celebrities there.
Oh, I see. So because you said that the more famous you get the more isolated you become.
So when you're hanging in that room with famous people,
is there a sense of being alone in a room full of people who are also alone?
Well, basically because everyone's so into themselves that you are basically alone.
So who do you talk to yourself?
Yeah. Well, you go into the bathroom and you talk into the mirror.
Really? And did you ever chat yourself up?
Do I ever what?
Chat yourself up, you know. Any come-on lines?
Oh, I thought you said something else.
I'm not even going to lie.
And the answer to it is yes, probably.
Really?
Yeah. Yes, I've chatted myself up.
And did you still respect yourself the next day?
Only after I had left.
Is it true that you don't read?
It is true that I don't read.
You don't read anything?
I read graffiti. I read the phone book, especially the Yellow Pages.
Love, love the Yellow Pages.
I won't tell you how it ends, but it's very good.
The dictionary.
You read the dictionary?
Yeah, the dictionary. Read it backwards. It's great.
And what about the instruction cards on planes?
Latin is dead. Latin is dead.
Latin is dead?
That's what it says if you read it backwards.
There's backmasking in the dictionary?
We should get the moral majority under this.
Well, if you don't read, what fuels you?
Conversations like this.
Really?
Yeah.
It's going to be one dumb song out of this conversation.
No, seriously, because most people reading is...
Okay, life experiences. Life experiences fuel me.
I write autobiographically always.
Really? Was Honest and You...
I mean, that struck me as being a fairly melancholy album.
It was pitiful.
No, it wasn't. It was beautiful.
It was beautiful, but it was a pitiful affair.
The album was or the affair you were writing about?
The affair I was writing about. Really bad.
But do you like Melancholy as a state?
Because it can be really enjoyable.
It's a conduit for me, definitely.
It's something I use quite often, yeah.
Are you one of these people who's never happy unless you're never happy?
No, I'm essentially happy, I think.
The core of me is optimistic and happy.
Because that song Outside Myself, it struck me as being really existential.
Like I've been outside myself all my life.
And I thought, this is a sad soul here.
No, I... No.
No?
No, I'm not sad. I think I'm happy. I'm happy now.
Are you?
Yeah.
Oh, go down, please, because we like people to be happy on this show.
It's a very up show.
We're a very, very happy family here.
It's a perky show.
It's a very perky show.
You'd think they'd keep it on, wouldn't you?
There you go.
When you...
There we go.
Enchenew was essentially...
It was a smash hit.
It was a really sort of magical blend of elements which made for a great album.
When this one was finished, when All You Eat was finished,
did you have that same sense or is it just a mystery to you what will work and what won't?
It's a mystery.
I think really what you have to do is just please yourself.
Please, you know, your artistic intentions.
And that's really what success is.
And then you sort of hand it into the record company and say,
here's my baby, and they throw it off the top of the mountain,
and you kind of pray that the public will accept it.
It's a very brutal metaphor, baby slaughtering.
It's obviously a tough industry, the record industry.
It's pretty a tough industry, yeah.
When you say it's just your artistic vision,
don't you feel fashioned by the need to be successful?
I think I would be a liar if I said no.
I think certainly failure isn't something I embrace easily.
But I think that really success comes from the evolution of creativity.
I think that, you know, setting yourself a standard, achieving it,
staying creative, staying involved and happy with the creative process.
I think that's success.
And I think that the selling records, having a hit record, is peripheral benefit.
Yeah, but hard work.
You actually want to be a painter one day.
I do, I do want to be a painter.
What do you want to paint?
Anything well. I'm a really bad painter.
Really? Yeah.
Are you learning? Do you have a, you know, color by numbers thing?
No, I'm not even that good.
Oh, really? What, you're enumerate?
Yeah.
I can only paint up to two colors. I can't go beyond two.
Yeah, no. I paint sort of naive, primitive kind of art.
Yeah, that's what all the crap artists say.
It's a safety, safety, you know.
Just call it performance art. It'll work.
Exactly.
It's been, I've waited a long time to meet you on the show.
It's been a real pleasure.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Who is Ron Picardy?
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They said it couldn't be done until next century,
and Adelaide vans proved them wrong.
It's the closest you'll get to driving Formula One.
Seven Nightly News tomorrow.
Saturday. The Thunder from Down Under.
In a full-force Hollywood adventure.
Fair crack of the whip, mate.
Then Steve McQueen's son against Kung Fu's legend.
Double the Kicks. Double the action.
From 8.30 Saturday on Channel 7.
Australian ingenuity came to the fore in Brisbane in 1992
when a young lady named Fairly Arrow faked her own kidnapping
in a brilliant attempt to gain publicity for her singing career.
The hoax was a great success and Fairly appeared on Tonight Live.
Delivering a performance Australia will always try to forget.
Yes, and I have already.
Now it's time to cross to Melbourne for your friend of mine, Mr Anthony Morgan.
Hi, thanks. Come in.
Are you trying to do a lifestyle program all of a sudden?
Oh, look, it could be. I'm bloody measuring.
Yeah?
Yeah, we're buying this joint.
Yes.
Well, we think we are.
And you know when you buy a house, the solicitor says measure everything.
Uh-huh.
So I'm measuring, but I forgot my tape measure.
So I've got a stick.
Yeah.
The same length as my foot, as luck would have it.
Yes.
And I know my foot's ten inches long, so I'm doing everything in lots of ten inches.
Your foot is hung like a donkey. That's fantastic.
Ten inch foot, mate. That's as close as we get to decimalization in Victoria.
Come in.
It's beautiful.
This is not my idea, Andrew.
What?
My idea for this week was to see how fast the Holden dealer team could rebuild my engine.
The producer said that just smacked of a free engine for Anthony.
Yeah. If only you were 60 minutes, you could get away with that.
Exactly. So then my other idea was a Viking funeral.
Just have a look around, you know, if you want to.
Yeah.
Why doesn't the cameraman go off and do his story and you can just shout to us from the distance?
Yeah, okay. Why don't you and I do a radio show?
Yeah, okay.
What was I talking about?
The Viking funeral.
I wanted to do a Viking funeral. You know what the producer says?
Get this. That if you go out on a boat with electrical equipment and then set fire to it, it's hard to get insurance.
You're kidding.
Yeah.
What do you want to do with this country?
I have no idea, Andrew, and I'm very happy not knowing.
Yes. So this is really your house, is it?
Yes. So the producer says what would be much better is if we delve right into your private life.
So welcome to it. This is the house that we want to buy.
Yeah.
This is our... You know, it's the Australian dream to buy your own home.
And all the time I was growing up, I thought the Australian dream was to buy your own boat.
And I've only just found out.
You're an idiot.
I just had bad hearing when I was little.
Oh, I see, right.
So welcome to my dream boat.
Yeah.
But you see, I've been looking at houses and it's all been based on boats and we really wanted this one.
Yeah.
Because it was like a boat. Kind of.
Yes.
Well, there was lots of water around it anyway.
Oh, I see, right.
And this builder's bought it before us and we're going to try and buy it off him.
But look at his bloody dung. He's buggered the joint.
He's put these things all the way through it.
The foundations.
Yeah, and he's made it... He's brought it up all level.
Yes.
And before it was all going like that, it was exactly like being on the ocean.
Now it's like some kind of house.
Which I suppose is good. I like what he's done here, though.
What's that? The big gap?
Yeah. That'll keep you on your toes, eh?
Because you've got a couple of little kitties, you know.
It's always interesting to hear their shrieks as they fall down the hole late at night.
Absolutely. And there's a good gap there.
A kitty could keep a muse under there for a fair while, I reckon.
Until you send in the search and rescue team. Yeah, they'll have a great time.
I reckon. And we've got the dining room table in already.
Yeah, that's good.
No tools left around. Have you noticed that?
I don't know if they're doing everything by hand, just karate chop wood.
I would have thought there'd be more tools, because a mate of mine does this for a living,
and he uses an electric plane sometimes. Are you with me, Andrew?
Yeah, I'm totally with you.
OK.
I love it when you talk tools.
Tell me about beveling again, Anthony. I love that.
All right. You put the plane on the side, Andrew.
Oh, that's great.
No, that's enough.
OK.
He's... You know what a plane is, though.
Yeah.
He's using an electric one.
Yeah.
Right? So then he's going like this. The sawhorse falls to bits.
Mm-hm.
So he planes the end of his finger off.
Worse. He hasn't got the dust bag on the plane.
Right.
So he can't take the fingertip with him to the hospital.
Take too long to scrape it off the ceiling.
Thanks for that little cheery anecdote, Anthony.
It's not finished, Andrew.
He goes to the hospital and they put some stuff on it, wrap it up.
A couple of weeks later, come through here.
A couple of weeks later, he takes off the bandages
and the finger has grown back.
Good.
That's good.
Yes.
But it's left him with this weird frame of mind
where now he's tempted to cut a bit more of his finger off
and see if that grows back.
Where's that going to lead to, Andrew?
He's just going to be running the circular saw over his arm.
Anthony, we're going to have to leave you there
because a lot of kiddies watch this show and they're highly impressionable.
We don't want them sawing their fingers off just to see if it grows back.
So look, it's a beautiful house.
You're a lucky man.
The Australian dream is yours and you can have it.
Thanks very much, Andrew.
Thanks, Anthony.
We'll leave you right out of factory in New York.
Thank you.
Golf medicine, a remedy for inflamed parliament
that is hard to swallow and still leaves a bad taste years later.
Welcome to another loser of the week
and who's going to have their lowest moment paraded
before a national television audience tonight, my Auburn head, Beauty Amanda.
Oh, Andrew.
Our first nomination we have tonight is that lovable Aussie export Clive James.
Now, Clive isn't exactly noted for his acting abilities.
No, he isn't, which is why he probably jumped at the chance of appearing on Neighbours.
And for this, his first role, he wanted to play a character with a message,
so they made him a postman.
And as you can see, Clive didn't even use a body double for that raunchy walk sock scene.
Cool.
What a loser.
Our next nomination is the Japanese rock group The Piaz,
who were recently filming their latest video.
Always looking for that memorable video moment,
someone suggested that the ten-member group jump off a bridge into the river.
Everyone thought it was a great idea,
except the police who had to spend the next three hours looking for the bodies
of the two band members who didn't get out of the river alive.
So video does kill the radio star.
Yes, it does, and let's hope that...
Let's hope that Take That used the same director for their next video.
So to our actual loser of the weekend, the story of Gerard Finneran,
the 58-year-old president of one of America's biggest investment banking companies.
Now, it seems Gerard managed to get very drunk indeed
aboard a United Airlines flight to New York.
And when the crew began ignoring his call button,
Gerard decided to do something else to attract their attention.
Yes, he whipped down his pants and defecated on a service cart.
Not only was the captain forced to close down the food and beverage service for hygiene reasons,
but no one even touched their complimentary chocolate.
You figure it out.
So here it is, a well-earned loser of the week trophy, not for Gerard,
but for all the other first-class passengers who paid a fortune to sit away from the scum
and ended up sitting next to some asshole.
Congratulations and good night, Australia.
Applause
Yoo-hoo!
Mum!
I've been silent long enough.
You've been eating too much of that frozen food.
But you need someone to cook for you.
Beautiful meals you can put fresh in the fridge until you need them.
Yes, but you're too busy to make them.
Look, fresh pasta, sauces, pizza, quiches, gourmet Australian cheeses, freshly prepared meals.
Mmm, lasagna.
And you didn't make this?
Well, who did?
Mum, of course.
Who else?
If you don't have time to go to St George for a home loan, St George can come to you.
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When you see something irresistible, don't you get that urge to bite?
Like street's viennetta.
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Street's viennetta, soft enough to bite.
No!
This or this?
No.
This.
This or this?
This.
This or this?
Ah, this.
Get real with the boss.
Behind the mask of Jim Carrey.
Your dad said that you're not a ham, you're the whole pig.
And the Aussie connection in his brand new movie.
You're all criminals.
We'll bring you our diet powder results and how to enter our Ferrari competition.
6.30 tomorrow.
Sunday, Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg.
There are three vowels every nun must accept.
Vowels poverty, whoopi, you, chastity.
I am Attic Hill.
The outrageous comedy blockbuster.
We can rock this place.
Sister Act, 8.30 Sunday on 7.
No act has liked to shock its audience as much as the late lamented Doug Anthony All-Stars.
Now whereas Richard and Tim always threatened to do something disgusting,
it was always Paul who looked like he actually would.
Here's a sample.
So everyone tonight let's all think about the passion here for affiliate.
I mean, you're still a bit outside, we all get out of the coffin.
That's it, the profilia.
Profilia, profilia, profilia, profilia, profilia.
Being a mortis makes me hard.
No longer a Doug Anthony All-Star but very much himself.
Please welcome Paul McDermott.
Hello, Tony.
How are you?
I'm good.
I want to recap a little bit about the Dougs.
I would imagine the highlight of your career was the night you were the warm-up act
or the backing act for U2.
Oh, that was extraordinary.
That was, yeah, that was wild.
We were doing a thing called Smile Jamaica after the hurricane had ripped through Jamaica.
Yeah.
And that's not a laughing matter, okay?
Smile Jamaica.
Smile Jamaica because your whole villages have been blown away.
And it was U2 on Ziggy Miley, Boy George who actually had a bit of a crush on me at one stage.
U2?
No, never mind.
Sorry, Paul, go on.
We were the last act on before U2.
We were about to have 6,000 people in the Dominion Theatre in London.
It was quite electric.
And just as we were getting on there to go and do Dead Elders and really wow them in Jamaica,
a giant set fell over, maybe a story high, straight into the audience.
And we just stood there going, got to get on, got to get on, got to get on.
And they went, no, Doug Anthony All-Stars, we're going straight away somewhere else.
And then U2 came on and we missed our big chance to perform with them.
It was very tragic.
Oh, get stuffed.
We got that close, people, that close.
The playlist of the Doug Anthony All-Stars is interesting.
We had necrophilia, bestiality, Satanism.
How did you choose your subjects?
Very carefully.
I come from a Catholic background, so bestiality, Satanism, you know, those things are quite natural.
Especially when we were going through somewhere like Ireland.
We did a great tour of Ireland, which was wild.
And there were lots of songs in the show at the time about Satanism.
And when we got to Belfast, it was fantastic because the headline in the Catholic Chronicle there was
Festival Under Fire for supporting Satanic Aussie Trio.
So the seekers were back, were they? God.
Were you aware that this stuff was offensive?
I mean, was that part of the reason for choosing it?
Oh, no, no, I think people take offense at whatever they'll take offense at.
I mean, you know, if you talk about milk, vegans will take offense.
Did that upset you?
Yeah, it did a little bit, thank you, because I'm a vegan.
Really? You don't eat meat?
No, I don't.
I eat vegetables that have been tortured within an inch of their life.
I love that.
Did it ever go horribly wrong, the Doug Zak? Did somebody ever protest?
Oh, yeah, oh, God, yes. Yes.
There was a...
Sorry, the look of fear in your eyes there.
We were in Canada and doing the Montreal Comedy Festival.
And for some reason, I don't think people in Canada really understood.
They're like the Americans, they don't really understand satire or irony.
And so when I told this guy he was incredibly ugly, he had bad, you know, clothing sense and smelt,
he attacked me after the show.
You know, it seemed to me for no reason at all.
Picky, picky, picky. Well, you're not a Doug anymore, you're yourself.
How hard is it, establishing yourself as an individual after having been part of a trio for so long?
Well, I'm glad you said trio, because a lot of people refer to us as a threesome.
We were never that, you know, because we couldn't decide who could be the guy in the middle.
But it's been fun.
I had like a six month sabbatical, didn't do anything.
And I've just come out of retirement again after that, lying on the beach.
And so I had a beautiful time and done a few things so far.
I did some cartoons for a thing called Starbate, and I've rewrote a Tonya Lacey show for Edinburgh,
working with a boy called Paul Capsis, doing some music and things like that.
Did she want you to rewrite a show or did you just barge in and do it?
I don't think she wanted me to rewrite it at the time,
but after she saw the wonderful work I did, she was very happy.
I wrote a poem recently for Greenpeace about the Chirac thing.
How does that go?
Oh, that's a bit embarrassing.
Actually, the friends were very upset because I faxed Chirac with that.
And faxed him.
Anyway, it's very simply entitled, Mr. Chirac, I Hate You.
Thank you.
It sort of goes, it's not just that you're ugly, but you rate high on the scale.
But unlike other basic primates, you've de-evolved into the male whose witless, tackless body
is now teetering in front of me with a French actor's lisp,
a palate that's half-clef, waving your wipe-your-ass degree
in third-rate bigotry with a master's in speaking through your famous anus.
You must love the taste of turds.
You're always swallowing your own words.
You're a feeble, fickle, flatulent toerag.
Oh, to be a doctor and practice acupuncture on your eyes,
or a butcher with a cleaver making loin chops of your thighs.
But best of all, to run a restaurant and shash-lick your dick.
But you wouldn't even make an entree, because you're just a little prick.
Gotcha.
You look like Stephen Carnegie.
Watch out.
So what do you think of Don't Forget Your Toothbrush?
Oh, look, it's great, you know, it's good for Tim, it's wonderful,
and we're doing a whole series of spin-off shows now, Don't Forget Your Dentures.
One for the Labour Party, Don't Forget Your Election Promises, You Bastards.
And one for people with Parkinson's disease, which is just Don't Forget.
And then they could do one for the Liberal Party, which is just Don't.
Don't, don't even start, don't even think about it.
So I hope your beautiful singing voice isn't going to go to waste.
We're going to hear it again sometime?
Oh, you are, I'm working on an album with some friends of mine
in Melbourne at the moment, which is quite good fun,
and doing a musical next year for the Adelaide Festival,
so everyone's invited along for that, and the Melbourne Comedy Festival
and a couple of other shows.
But actually, I've got a Mr. Music in the background.
Do you want to hear it?
Oh, beautiful.
It's a song that I wrote just this morning, just for you, Andy.
I did want to sing it for Cindy Crawford, but hell, she's gone.
Some people say you're the best thing on TV.
I don't know if I'd be that quick to agree.
I love the pleasure of your company.
I'm waiting over here for you to take advantage of me.
So when you come, come see me.
And when you call, you can call on me.
And when you fall, you fall for me.
It's all right.
Fall for me tonight.
For who will you turn to to turn you on?
Who will you run to when the others have gone?
Stop that struggle now and let me be.
Wake up to yourself and sleep with me.
Sleep with me.
Thank you.
Andrew Denton.
Thank you.
I'll see you in the showers after the show.
OK.
I say goodbye to Paul.
We've said goodbye now.
Paul McJevitt, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
That's not what Ross McCarty is.
So who Ross McCarty is?
But why Ross McCarty is?
Hey, your friends keep telling you to get some culture.
Well, here's all the culture you'll need.
A collection of rock culture from the 90s, including Edwin Collins.
I've never met a girl like you before.
Crash test dummies.
I have to know.
The truth.
My heavy friends.
Plus, Hudson collectors and helmets and the Hoodoo Gurus.
A truly cultural experience out now.
I squeeze.
I can't get rid of pimples.
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IsoSport, developed by the Australian Institute of Sport to fuel your performance by a massive 38%.
IsoSport, the performance fuel.
Carlton cold, Brut cold, but smooth, easy to drink, tight.
He's a 64 kilogram pocket rocket with a big heart and stamina to match.
Talking about guts, Bismair's got it all.
Up against a South Australian giant, there's no turning back in the ultimate sporting challenge on Gladiator 630 Saturday.
Then, once he was a living, breathing human.
Legally, he's dead.
Until they made him the ultimate machine.
You can't expect us to treat this robot like a human being.
A robot with a man's soul.
The ultimate adventure. RoboCop, after Gladiator 730 Saturday.
Here is the light-breaking, oh no, the light-breaking news.
Thank you, Jeeves. In London, Prince Charles reacted to claims that he is becoming too eccentric to rule by releasing the following statement.
Auntie Mary had a canary.
Good to hear.
And in other royal news, British Conservative Party MPs have criticised the Queen's apology to New Zealand Maori's.
They say that if you back down once, people end up treating you like a doormat.
The police department today expressed concern that they now have too few men on the beat and too many bureaucrats.
This was a special concern in the recently renamed SWAT unit.
Oh, we don't have that story. Hang on, I've always wanted to do this.
What's the matter?
Isn't that how the newsreaders do it?
We just don't have it. That's not possible. We had it before.
I'm going to throw a big star tanty.
It's just not right.
I'd really, really like to see Brian Henderson do that. Just once. Just once.
Then a heart attack and over he goes. OK, here it is, the last story.
The worries that Australia's richest businessman is moving his assets offshore were downplayed this week from his new home media magnet, Kerry Packer,
Sadworth Normal Business Practice and he himself has adapted well to his new environment.
To what the papers won't say tomorrow and, oh, what a mess over there,
to what the papers won't say and the Sydney Morning Herald says Snoop Doggy Dog, a father, Snoop Bitchy Bitch and Snoop Puppy Pup doing well.
That's all we have time for this week. We'll be back next week with, amongst others, Jennifer Jason Lee.
So, we'll end goodnight and remember, as we always say, society's the blame. Goodnight.