Next week, don't miss the all-new special Thanksgiving episode of South Park.
Next Wednesday at 10.
This program is brought to you by Magic the Gathering,
the trading card game of strategy and imagination.
I'm so sick of gold.
Is there more to entertainment than 500-channel TV and zillion-dollar movies?
Turning the sound up and your mind off?
Is there still a place where fun involves thinking, imagining, doing?
Some of us think so, and we find it in a game.
Magic the Gathering.
All you need to play is a brain, a deck, and a friend.
You'll sing, too, when you try Chili's Ranch and Filet,
a beautifully carved, date-outs tenderloin, slow-grilled to perfection,
and placed on awesome blossom strings.
Serve with skillet potato cakes and grilled veggies, only at Chili's.
R.M.D.
Bean Mania has arrived.
Well, you asked for England's top man. I do believe I delivered him.
It's the number one comedy in America.
Bean is the hands-down funniest picture in years.
And the New York Times raves,
when it comes to laughs, Bean delivers.
Bean.
America will never be the same.
Ready for PG-13.
Now playing at theaters everywhere.
Hey!
Just what I need.
Sorry.
Geez, got you really good, too.
Here, take it.
No, I couldn't.
Now, what are you, 34 ways?
Yeah.
You got your cover.
Think that's refreshing?
Try this, the crisp, clear, lemon-lime taste of 7-Up.
It's perfect holiday refreshment.
Take the cart.
I insist.
Really?
It is a wonderful life.
C is for courage.
R is for respect.
A is for not at all arrogant.
I is for inquisitive.
G is for groovy.
Kilbourne is for Craig Kilbourne, born to anchor.
It's in my blood.
It's what I love.
It's what I was born to do.
Craig Kilbourne spells it out for you only on The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
Every Monday through Thursday night at 11 on Comedy Central.
The dark forces are closing in.
The world must be saved.
No problem.
Mortal Kombat, Annihilation, rated BG-13, starts Friday, November 21st.
To test our latest parka, Mother Gert Boyle, son Tim, head for the mountains.
Columbia Sportswear, one tough mother.
These people are not sucking on lemons.
They have not just sipped a bitter beer, and they're not reacting to that neglected litter box.
What you're witnessing are attempts to hold back laughter.
Although you may wonder why anyone would intentionally do this, the answer is quite simple.
They're game show contestants.
They need the money.
Make Me Laugh, the game show that pays you not to laugh at today's most laughed at comedians,
tonight at 10.30 here at Comedy Central.
Making a few extra bucks has never looked so ridiculous.
The Daily Show on Comedy Central.
Our news travels faster.
Our reports dig deeper.
Suit me. Suit me.
Our questions hit harder.
Which elves make cookies in hollow trees?
Why does Jewish food suck?
Our stars laugh longer.
Faster. Deeper. Harder. Longer.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
We are passionate about our news.
Every Monday through Thursday night at 11.
Next week, don't miss the all-new special Thanksgiving episode of South Park.
Next Wednesday at 10.
Coming up on your Daily Show, NYPD Blue's Gail O'Grady is here.
I'm not interested.
And we wrestle with Jesse the Body Ventura.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
Laura's back.
Who are you?
Ripley Ellen, Lieutenant First Class.
Ellen Ripley died 200 years ago.
You're not her.
Who am I?
To destroy a species that lives to kill.
I can feel it in my eyes.
I can hear it moving.
You need a weapon that never dies.
Something of a predator, isn't she?
Sigourney Weaver.
Winona Ryder.
Alien Resurrection.
I thought you were dead.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Rated R, November 26, only in theaters.
Why is America on America Online?
It puts the whole Internet right at my fingertips.
We'll send instant messages just like that.
The news is breaking. I've got it now.
I can stay a little closer to my family.
You've got mail.
America Online, easy to use, friendly menus.
Put in the disk, click, you're online.
And we've been working night and day to more than double capacity
and make it even easier.
I got homework help, and my dad thinks I'm a genius.
America Online, so easy to use.
No wonder it's number one.
Hey!
Just what I need.
Sorry.
Geez, got you really good, too.
Here, take it.
No, I couldn't.
What are you, 34 ways?
Yeah.
You got your cover.
Think that's refreshing?
Try this, the crisp, clear lemon-lime taste of 7-Up.
It's perfect holiday refreshment.
Take the car.
Can I insist?
Really?
It is a wonderful life.
Are you ready?
Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Rated BG13, starts Friday.
Anything else?
No.
Yes.
Well, maybe.
You're not busy.
Maybe we can go get a cup of coffee?
Lee Riveted, the new look of Lee.
1-800-Collect presents Max Jerome Private Eye.
What's up, man?
Where you going?
I've got to come home and tell her what time the game's on.
Whoa, bad play, Kilroy.
Here's a better one.
Dow 1-800-Collect.
It's easy, and it's 10 cents a minute every evening all week long.
Solid.
Wow, 10 cents a minute?
Give me that phone, brother.
1-800-Collect.
10 cents a minute every evening all week long.
It's the end of the world.
One, two, three, fire!
Don't cry.
Fight.
Mortal Kombat Annihilation.
Rated BG13, starts Friday.
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You're watching Comedy Central.
Up next at 11, it's The Daily Show with your host, Craig Kilbourn.
Coming up on Your Daily Show, Trekkies beam up and Bill Murray gets down.
I've got to watch it.
It's The Daily Show.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
When man and machine become one, only then is true power realized.
Now is the time to feel the might of that power.
We will barbeque our enemies with no mercy.
We will pry their installations with the crap load of truly nasty weapons.
There will be 24 levels of extreme firepower.
And through military force, there will be mass destruction.
Shoot first.
Ask.
Ah, just shoot.
This pain is just part of the job.
I got this pulling a 360 stalefish.
I got this doing a 900 nose grab.
Got this on a backflip mute in the pipe.
And this one I got.
Whoa, that could have hurt.
Why is America on America Online?
It's the whole internet right at my fingertips.
We can send instant messages just like that.
The news is breaking, I've got it now.
I can stay a little closer to my family.
You've got mail.
America Online, easy to use, friendly menus.
Put in the disk, click, you're online.
And we've been working night and day to more than double capacity and make it even easier.
I got homework help and my dad thinks I'm a genius.
America Online, so easy to use, no wonder it's number one.
If you haven't been watching The Daily Show, here's what you've been missing.
Some famous Hollywood faces stopped by to chat.
Some got personal.
John Cash took a swing at me.
Cindy Crawford made a pass.
And I felt up Debbie Reynolds.
Whoa, whoa!
But there's so much more.
Brian Unger got spanked by a monkey.
A. Whitney Brown spent quality time with his mom.
A shocking Bette Wolford exposé.
And Stephen Colbert went to an old fashioned southern barbecue.
And as always, up to the minute coverage of breaking news events.
Only on your Daily Show.
The Daily Show, when news breaks, we fix it.
To test their latest sparker, mother Gert Boyle, son Tim.
Head for the mountains.
Columbia Sportswear, one tough mother.
Who are you?
Ripley Ellen, Lieutenant First Class.
Ellen Ripley died 200 years ago.
Seven days.
You want to tell us what this is?
Witness.
It's a queen.
She'll breed.
The Resurrection.
You'll die.
18, Resurrection, Rated R, November 26, only in theaters.
You'll sing too when you try chili's ranch and filet.
A beautifully carved date out's tenderloin.
Slow-grilled to perfection and placed on awesome blossom strings.
Serve with skillet potato cakes and grilled veggies.
Only at Chili's.
Onomatopoeia.
O-N-O.
M-A-T.
O-P-O.
E-I-A.
Think you're really smart?
Try Intelligent Cube, the painfully tough new brain twister.
Get ready to think or die.
Hello, I'm Ben Stein.
I'm a game show host, but I've done no one any other harm.
I'm innocent.
Still, there are people out there trying to get my money.
I'm not going to let them.
I'll fight like a wild animal.
Win Ben Stein's Money is a new game show for those who stayed awake in class.
It pits contestants against Ben Stein, the first game show host with the guts to put his money on the line.
Win Ben Stein's Money every Monday through Thursday at 7.30 and 11.30 p.m. at Comedy Center.
For Joey O'Brien, it's too many women, too little time.
Know what your problem is, Joey?
You're a pig.
With a girlfriend.
Shut up!
An ex-wife.
And another girlfriend, not to mention Mom.
His proverbial plate isn't just full, it's overflowing.
And things are just picking up speed.
Lungs.
Sucks.
Don't miss Robin Williams, Tim Robbins, and a captive cast of customers in the big, big, big movie Cadillac Man.
Tomorrow night at 8, only at Comedy Central.
Comedy Central's putting on a new series of specials, which I'm hosting.
It's how I got this jacket free.
It's got a ton of great comics, some you've seen, some you've kicked out of your bed late at night.
If I know you, you little devil.
Comedy Central's premium blend, tonight at 11.
Test drive four.
Don't slow down for anything.
He sang Highway to Hell, then he wrote it into rock and roll legend.
ACGC, Bonfire.
A five CD box set tribute to Boggles' Bon Scott.
Over three hours of rare and unreleased music featuring Bon Scott.
A complete album back in black with full original artwork.
A deluxe book and a bunch of other stuff Bon would have wanted you to have.
ACGC, Bonfire box set featuring Dirty Eyes.
Available now at all Blockbuster music locations.
This is where our holidays begin.
This will be our favorite tree.
This is how I like to light a broom.
This will look good on my tree.
This is my favorite time of year.
This is a really great gift.
These will look good under my tree.
And this is the place to find it all.
Pier One.
It's your home.
Make it sparkle with great ideas for the holidays from Pier One Import.
1-800-Collect presents Max Jerome Private Eye.
What's up, man? Where you going?
I've got to call Mom and tell her what time the game's on.
Whoa, bad play, Kilroy.
Here's a better one.
Dow 1-800-Collect.
It's easy and it's 10 cents a minute every evening all week long.
Solid.
Wow, 10 cents a minute?
Give me that phone, brother.
1-800-Collect.
10 cents a minute every evening all week long.
Twist, turn, and burn.
Four player battle mode.
Exchange.
Acclaim.
Nintendo 64.
Exchange.
Only one man with mammoth eye pump and a taste for geeky can make dinosaurs extinct again.
Turok, dinosaur hunter.
Acclaim.
The best stories are the ones that take you by surprise.
Cryptic Writings, the new level from Megadeth, 12 provocative new tales featuring trust and almost honest.
Cryptic Writings, out now on Capitol City Cassettes.
Hi, I'm Kathy Griffin.
Wisecracking best friend, hooker with a heart of gold, and host.
That's right, Comedy Central is letting me host their new series of specials, Premium Blend.
Watch it, it's a great combination of stand-up, alternative acts, musical acts.
You're going to love it.
Every week starts out with me doing a couple of hilarious minutes, and then a bunch of funnier acts come on.
Get some culture.
And I'm in a new outfit every week.
It's like I'm Cher.
Comedy Central's Premium Blend, tonight at 11.
C is for courage.
R is for respect.
A is for not at all arrogant.
G is for inquisitive.
G is for groovy.
Kilbourne is for Craig Kilbourne, born to anchor.
It's in my blood.
It's what I love.
It's what I was born to do.
Craig Kilbourne spells it out for you only on The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
Every Monday through Thursday night at 11 on Comedy Central.
On the next Viva Maraite!
Dynamite lady Alison Bly blows herself up.
The music of King Django blows your mind.
That's the next Viva Maraite coming up next only at Comedy Central.
Only one show has countless celebrity guests.
Five questions.
What?
A shark!
And one anchor.
One, five, and one.
Numbers that add up to seven.
Compare that to any other news show.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
I used to tell players, if you ever get a real hard hit, the best thing you can do to a guy is laugh at him.
Smacks and you go...
Most people want to cry, but you can't do that.
The best reaction you can get is to laugh.
That means either you don't care or you like it.
Either one of those are good for the hitty.
That's my game. What's yours?
Chauncey Billups has foot action.
Chauncey Billups does not have his own shoe.
Sean Kemp has his own shoe.
Allen Iverson has his own shoe.
You have a foot action.
You can have your own Sean Kemp shoe.
You can have your own Allen Iverson shoe.
But you can't have a Chauncey Billups shoe.
Yet.
For every action, there is foot action.
Fill your bag with Adam Sandler.
The new Rolling Stones.
The latest from U2.
And Sarah McLaughlin.
Free bag with every purchase. Tower Records.
When man and machine become one, only then is true power realized.
Now is the time to feel the might of that power.
We will barbeque our enemies with no mercy.
We will fry their installations with a crap load of truly nasty weapons.
There will be 24 levels of extreme firepower.
And through military force, there will be mass destruction.
Shoot first. Ask.
Ah, just shoot.
Hi, I'm Kathy Griffin.
Wisecracking best friend, hooker with a heart of gold, and host.
That's right. Comedy Central is letting me host their new series of specials.
Premium Blend. You gotta watch it.
It's a great combination of stand-up, alternative acts, musical acts.
You're gonna love it.
Every week starts out with me doing a couple of hilarious minutes.
And then a bunch of funnier acts come on.
Get some culture.
And I'm in a new outfit every week.
It's like I'm Cher.
Comedy Central's Premium Blend, tonight at 11.
You're watching Comedy Central.
Up next at 1030...
This program is brought to you by Magic the Gathering,
the trading card game of strategy and imagination.
The first hook of gold.
Is there more to entertainment
than 500-channel TV and zillion-dollar movies?
Turning the sound up and your mind off?
Is there still a place where fun involves thinking, imagining, doing?
Some of us think so, and we find it in a game.
Magic the Gathering.
All you need to play is a brain, a deck, and a friend.
Long ago, large home theaters roamed the earth.
They consumed too much green, took up too much space.
They couldn't keep up with the smaller, smarter creatures.
They are fossils now.
Turn on the future.
Turn on your TV with theater-quality surround sound.
Iowa Minitheater.
Twist, turn, and burn.
Four-player battle mode.
Extrude on.
Acclaim.
Nintendo 64.
Extrude on.
Only one man with mammoth eyes on
and a taste for big game can make dinosaurs extinct again.
Turok, Dinosaur Hunter.
And McClane.
Take Hollywood home.
My best friend's wedding. Buy it on video now.
He adored me for nine years.
You know the woman.
I've got movies you've never seen.
I love it.
You know she's always got a plan.
She's toast.
Now you can own the year's best comedy.
I said that I loved him and Michael Jordan chased him.
Julia Roberts.
I have stolen a bread van and I'm chasing Michael.
Michael's chasing Kibi.
Yes.
You're chasing Michael.
Yes.
Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it?
That's beside the point.
My best friend's wedding. Buy it now on videocassette and DVD.
Join us for the Daily Show year-end spectacular.
We catch celebs with their pants down and their hair off.
And I swap war stories with my colleague, Peter Jennings.
I'm here because I think you do good work occasionally.
We put the media in mediocre.
Give us a break. Get away.
So big, it's going to take an hour.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
After 365 earthly revolutions, 12 lunar orbits and one trip around the sun,
it's time to take a look back at 1997.
And Comedy Central has just the man for the job.
What are you expecting? Kill-born? Uh-uh.
Richard Belzer hosts Town Hall.
A look back at 1997 featuring six Comedy Central celebrity panelists
and one really suspicious comic.
Conspiracy's in the air. I can smell it.
Town Hall premieres December 11th and 11th only at Comedy Central.
You're watching Comedy Central.
Stick around for Viva Variety at 10.30.
It's high culture and high jinx, all in one.
On December 19th.
On here.
Whatever you're planning.
Whatever you're expecting.
Whatever you're thinking.
Worldwide domination.
Think again.
Lucky for you, I stopped by.
This holiday season,
peace on Earth is in his hands.
Don't get any ideas.
I'd never dream of it.
Tomorrow Never Dies, rated PG-13.
Starts December 19th.
Family Home Entertainment announces
eight new Christmas adventures your family will love.
It's a library of six wonderful tales
plus two new delightful stories.
A Monster Christmas and The Littlest Pet Shop's Christmas Volume.
Perfect.
Collect them all from Family Home Entertainment.
Make your maker!
Slater, stay in formation.
You're Jeff Slater of the G-Police.
You've got the firepower to do the job right.
Do you have the guts?
After 365 Earthly Revolutions,
12 lunar orbits, and one trip around the sun,
it's time to take a look back at 1997.
And Comedy Central has just the man for the job.
What are you expecting? Killborn?
Richard Belzer hosts Town Hall.
A look back at 1997 featuring six Comedy Central celebrity panelists
and one really suspicious comic.
Conspiracy's in the air.
I can smell it.
Town Hall premieres December 11th at 11 only on
Comedy Central.
Cowabunga TV, dudes.
It's the whole gang from Europe's number one variety show,
Viva Variety.
We've noticed that here in America,
you hold your moral standards and family values very dear.
That's why the all-new episodes of Viva Variety
are good, clean entertainment for the whole family.
It's a brand-new season of Viva Variety
coming up next here at Comedy Central.
So make some Viva time for your whole family.
Especially if your kids enjoy jokes about hashish
and sexy, sexy dancers.
Join us for the Daily Show year-end spectacular
as we look back at 1997
and I swap war stories with colleague Peter Jennings.
I'm here because I think you do good work occasionally.
So big, it's gonna take an hour.
The Daily Show year-end spectacular
is brought to you in part by 1-800-collect.
Mike Ditka for 1-800-collect.
Hey, come on, ladies!
Hey, give me that!
Make believe I just didn't starve your mama.
Or make believe I just traded you.
Make believe I just called you collect
without using 1-800-collect.
Hey, but it's ten cents a minute every evening
with 1-800-collect.
Stop, stop, guys. I'm going to kill you. Stop!
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Ten cents a minute every evening all week long.
Buy your best friend My Best Friend's Wedding now.
And deck the halls with Jules and George.
I insist you stay on to lunch.
No, no, no, no, no, absolutely.
Love to. Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything. Love to.
Make this a holiday you'll never forget.
How did you and Julie end meet?
I saw a vision. Pink.
You don't wear pink.
She does, Michael. She does wear pink.
George. You do.
I do.
Julia Roberts. My Best Friend's Wedding.
Buy it for the holidays on sale now.
Ribbit, ribbit, I cannot hold it
The last little toilet, I already sold it
Ribbit, ribbit, in the rain or in the snow
I got the funky flow, but now I really got to go
In the rain or in the snow
In the rain or in the snow
Rap of the Rap, a great new music video game.
In the rain or in the snow
Once you've played it, you can't get it out of your head.
The toilet over there will bring you luck, so give it up.
Comedy Central presents South Park,
a very special show about four lovable scamps.
On the next episode,
it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
and the boys commit guile.
Visit South Park. New episode next Wednesday at 10.
This program is brought to you by Magic the Gathering,
the trading card game of strategy and imagination.
I feel sick again.
You can have the fastest legs or the strongest arms,
but are you ready for a game where all that matters
is the speed of your mind and the power of your imagination?
We are, and we're waiting around the world to challenge you.
The game's Magic the Gathering,
and all you need to play is a brain, a deck, and a friend.
If you had the chance to walk off with a half-mural indulgence,
would you do it? Yeah.
From the novel by Elmore Leonard,
the new film by Quentin Tarantino, The Chase is on.
Where do you get the money from? Just take it from him.
But who's playing who?
Dan Greer, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster,
Bridget Fonda, Michael Keaton, and Robert De Niro.
Jackie Brown.
Is she dead? Yes or no? Is she dead?
Pretty much.
Rated R. Christmas Day everywhere.
Long ago, large home theaters roamed the Earth.
They consumed too much green, took up too much space.
They couldn't keep up with the smaller, smarter creatures.
They are fossils now.
Turn on the future.
Turn on your TV with theater-quality surround sound.
Iowa Minitheater.
This is NBA Live 98 with Mel Matumbo.
How do you light up a big guy? Donk on it.
What if they bring twin towers? Donk on both of them.
Triple team? Donk on all of them.
Gay name? My landlord wants to raise my rent.
Give them a donk.
And my mechanic's ripping me off.
Donk on them. Donk on everyone.
Any questions? The Kenbank says donk.
360 Tomahawks.
Alley-oop.
NBA Live 98 EA Sports.
It's in the game.
Catch Andy Williams and Donnie Osmond
on the Daily Show Christmas Special.
It's gonna be super trash.
There are specials, and then there's this.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
You know, there's one thing we learned
from your great president Abraham Lincoln.
It's never go to the theater.
Luckily, you don't have to.
You can stay home and watch all new episodes of Viva Variety.
If there had been cable TV back then, he might still be alive today.
He'd be 180 years old, but he'd still be alive.
Coming up next, it's The Daily Show.
You can't get more news without a prescription.
The Daily Show.
Mike Ditka for 1-800-Collect.
Hey, come on, ladies! Hey, give me that!
Make believe I just installed your mama.
Or make believe I just traded you.
Make believe I just called you collect
without using 1-800-Collect.
Hey, but it's ten cents a minute every evening
with 1-800-Collect.
Stop, stop, guys! I'm going to jail! Stop!
1-800-Collect.
Ten cents a minute every evening all week long.
The year is 2013.
The United States doesn't exist!
No law.
You are nothing but a drifter who found a bag of mail.
No future.
One man delivers a message.
I challenge the leadership of the class!
Inspires a nation and begins a revolution.
You want a war?
From the Academy Award-winning director of Dances with Wolves,
Kevin Costner.
The Postman.
Rated R.
Starts Thursday, December 25th.
Here's to shows you simply can't miss.
Saturday Night Live, the merry fun.
Back to back, they're all for Christmas.
Saturday Night Live, the merry fun.
See the classic sketches, you know.
Saturday Night Live, the merry fun.
If one sucks, blame Piscopo.
Saturday Night Live, the merry fun.
Well, it's Christmas and I'm as happy as a little girl.
The Saturday Night Live merry-thon begins Friday at 11 a.m.
only at Comedy Central.
Merry Christmas, dammit.
You know, if we've learned one thing from your great president Abraham Lincoln,
it's never go to the theater.
Luckily, you don't have to.
You can stay home and watch all the episodes of Viva Variety.
It's a brand new season of Viva Variety every Tuesday night at 10 here at Comedy Central.
If there had been cable TV back then, he might still be alive today.
He'd be 180, but he'd still be alive.
Catch Andy Williams and Donny Osmond on the Daily Show Christmas Special.
It's gonna be super fresh.
There are specials, and then there's this.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
Foot action is seeing the game as only he can.
It's cutting through the jerseys in motion, intersecting with cruel efficiency.
Any player who stands in your way.
It's also where you get the tools to break him down.
Like the Nike Air hype-up tempo.
For every action, there's foot action.
Anything else?
No. Yes. Well, maybe.
If you're not busy, maybe we can go get a cup of coffee?
When rollerblade demands hypersonic speed.
When they require fanatical performance.
When they crave unfathomable feats.
They get it.
On a Dell computer.
In fact, Rollerblade uses Dell computers every day.
What can we build yours to do?
Call in for just $99 a month, you can lease this Dell Dimension XPS
with a 233 megahertz Intel Pentium II processor.
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4.3 gig hard drive.
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Even an AGP video card.
And 24 hour tech support.
The Dell Dimension XPS with a 233 megahertz Intel Pentium II processor.
Pure performance for just $99 a month.
Dell, what can we build yours to do?
Allo mon ami, it's all your friends from Europe's number one variety show, Viva Variety.
Since we brought our show to America last year, we have studied every aspect of your great culture
and tried to make it part of our show.
And now America, we can honestly say we know exactly what you want to see on TV.
It's a brand new season of Viva Variety, every Tuesday night at 10, here at Comedy Central.
It's as American as french fries, smothered in mayonnaise and vinegar.
Coming up on your daily show, the award winning Tracy Allman stops by.
She's a recovering sexaholic.
I think I smell another Emmy.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
At America's top university, the most gifted mind is the person who cleans its floors.
Now, let the healing begin.
He's met the one man who can change his life forever.
You are bound by nothing.
Robin Williams, Matt Damon, in the film Newsweek calls rich, funny and sensationally appealing.
And now it's been nominated for four Golden Globe Awards, including Best Picture of the Year.
I love you.
Good Will Hunting, rated R, now playing.
I'm out. The spirit's here.
It's kind of cold here.
Yeah, but it's a good cold.
Fight, fight, fight.
Oh God, no.
I mean, this is my pompom.
No, it's my pompom.
Long ago, large home theaters roamed the earth.
They consumed too much green, took up too much space.
They couldn't keep up with the smaller, smarter creatures.
They are fossils now.
Turn on the future.
Turn on your TV with theater-quality surround sound.
Iowa Mini Theater.
One man, one solution, one state of mind.
As the new host of Make Me Laugh, I run a tight ship.
So to fairly observe today's hottest comedians trying to make contestants laugh, I'm laying
down a few grounds.
I will not suck up to the audience for a laugh.
I will treat all contestants with equal respect, and absolutely under no circumstances will
I remove my pants.
It's Make Me Laugh with new host Mark Cohen every Monday through Thursday at 10.30 here
at Comedy Central.
Has anybody seen My Dignity?
Warning, if you're offended by bad language, partial nudity, and illegal substances, turn
away from your TV set now.
All by myself.
Half Baked, rated R. Starts Friday.
Good action is running the point.
You must see what others do not see.
Break down what is designed to stop you.
Innovate.
Create.
Do you have the foot action to run the points?
Foot action is all the way to get to Marbury Two from And One.
For every action, there's foot action.
During the season, Marvin and I stay in touch.
He dials 1-800-Collect.
It's 10 cents a minute, every evening, all week long.
Sometimes, Marvin forgets, and that's when he needs a little reminder.
1-800-Collect, 10 cents a minute.
Hey, I'm Mark Cohen, the new host of Comedy Central's Make Me Laugh.
We're the show that pays contestants not to laugh at today's hottest comedians.
But, what, do you think that's easy?
You think anybody can do it?
Is that what you think, huh?
Why, I ought to jump, go get your own game show and see how easy it is.
If you haven't been watching The Daily Show, here's what you've been missing.
Some famous Hollywood faces stopped by to chat.
Some got personal.
John Cash took a swing at me.
Cindy Crawford made a pass, and I felt up Debbie Reynolds.
Whoa, whoa!
But there's so much more.
Brian Unger got spanked by a monkey.
A. Whitney Brown spent quality time with his mom.
A shocking Beth Woolford expose.
And Stephen Colbert went to an old-fashioned Southern barbecue.
And as always, up to the minute coverage of breaking news events, only on your Daily Show.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
As the new host of Make Me Laugh, I run a tight ship.
So to fairly observe today's hottest comedians trying to make contestants laugh, I'm laying
down a few grounds.
I will not suck up to the audience for a laugh.
I will treat all contestants with equal respect, and absolutely under no circumstances will
I remove my pants.
It's Make Me Laugh with new host Mark Cohen coming up next here at Comedy Central.
Has anybody seen my dignity?
If you're offended by tasteless humor, Half Baked is not for you.
I'm sorry!
But for the rest of us, it's the feel-good comedy of the year.
Half Baked.
Rate it up.
Come on.
Start Friday.
Meet Karen and Katie.
Sisters.
I'm the pretty one.
Of course you are.
Both were part of a recent study on weight loss and followed a controlled diet and exercise
plan.
I took ultra-chromosome with BiaTrol.
And not only did I lose weight, but I feel better and have more energy.
We're so happy for you.
The ultra-chromosome group lost 43% more body fat.
Now it's my turn to take ultra-chromosome.
She has the stuff.
Oh, fat chance.
All-natural ultra-chromosome.
Proven safe.
Proven effective.
Before releasing NFL Game Day 98, we asked Robert Brooks to check it out.
Do you like the graphics?
The graphics are tight.
Going to the house, baby!
To the house!
We like that, yes?
Touchdown!
All the way.
Oh, come on, man!
Hey, that don't show my breakaway speed.
Well, I would never say that you lost a step.
What?
It's, uh...
The numbers.
Foot action is running the point.
You must see what others do not see.
Break down what is designed to stop you.
Innovate.
Create.
Create the foot action to run the point.
Foot action is all the way to get to Marbury 2 from And 1.
Every action is there.
Foot action.
Hello, everybody.
Agatha and Johnny Bluejeans here from Europe's number one variety show, Viva Variety.
Now, we are standing in front of your Jefferson Memorial, and I don't mean to tell you how
to run your country, but that statue in that monument don't look nothing like George Jefferson.
And I mean, where in the heck is reason?
I know, in that statue of Monroe, we saw that was all right, but where was Mr. Rush
and the rest of the gang from too close for comfort?
Yeah!
Hey, America, let's give our heroes the respect they deserve.
I don't bet these are crap.
I'm Craig Kilborn.
This is a Daily Show news break.
In a blunt speech, Russian President Boris Yeltsin has warned America that using force
against Iraq could provoke World War III.
The announcement shocked many Americans who had expected Yeltsin to be at least 200 pounds
heavier and wearing a catheter.
More news at 11.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
MUSIC
Back up.
I need backup.
A rookie cop facing unspeakable evil.
There's something really wrong here.
These things aren't dying.
I just blasted this thing, and it's still alive.
One of the most anticipated games of 1998.
Resident Evil 2.
If the suspense doesn't kill you, something else will.
Everyone's going to die.
Back in 1985, Robbie Hart was the most popular wedding singer around.
Until he got stood up at his own wedding.
I realized I'm about to marry a wedding singer.
That could have been brought to my attention yesterday.
New Line Cinema presents.
Is it true that you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Who said that?
Everybody's been saying this.
Adam Sandler.
Get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
And Drew Barrymore.
He's so amazingly cute.
In a story about finding love where you least expect it.
Is he insane?
He's fine.
He's just warming up.
You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy.
Sir, one more outburst.
I will strangle you with my microphone wire.
The wedding singer.
I said hip hop.
I hip it to the hip hip hop.
PG-13.
Starts Friday, February 13th.
Hey, I'm Mark Cohen, the new host of Comedy Central's Make Me Laugh.
We're the show that pays contestants not to laugh at today's hottest comedians.
But what, do you think that's easy?
You think anybody can do it?
Is that what you think, huh?
Why, I ought to jump.
Go get your own game show and see how easy it is.
You're watching Comedy Central.
Up next at 10.30, it's Make Me Laugh.
He was their number one assassin, but there was one job he wouldn't do.
So you didn't want to shoot a kid.
No, he's their number one target.
The replacement killers.
Rated R opens Friday.
Hey, you!
Get your head out of your pockets!
And nuke them!
Duke Nukem on GameCom!
I'm good.
It speaks.
A bigger screen.
Blistering graphics.
Makes Duke Nukem portable.
Duke don't play Game Boy.
So get your head out of your pocket and get GameCom now!
Still using zero to call people collect?
Hello?
Stop!
It's expensive.
What to do?
Dial 1-800-Collect.
Dialing 1-800-Collect saves the people you call lots of money.
Hello?
Hi, Grandma.
Oh!
A regular collect call to cost $675.
Plus only $289 with 1-800-Collect.
What a deal!
It's so easy!
Dial 1-800-Collect today and save.
As the new host of Make Me Laugh, I run a tight ship.
So to fairly observe today's hottest comedians trying to make contestants laugh,
I'm laying down a few grounds.
I will not suck up to the audience for a laugh.
I will treat all contestants with equal respect.
And absolutely under no circumstances will I remove my pants.
It's Make Me Laugh with new host Mark Cohen coming up next here at Comedy Central.
Has anybody seen my dignity?
The end.
The end.
The end.
Watch an all-new episode of South Park next Wednesday at 10 p.m.
Coming up on your Daily Show, E.R.'s Gloria Rubin operates.
Oh, my God!
And Bette Lover gets swept off her feet.
The Daily Show, when news breaks, we fix it.
Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Shue, and Gina Gershon.
You do take risks, don't you, Mr. Barber?
Palmetto.
In a town this bad, it's no use being good.
Rated R.
Yeah!
Opens everywhere February 20th.
When a corrupt military experiment goes wrong,
one man's rage becomes his only weapon.
One man.
One solution.
One state of mind.
One.
This is one of those new Volvos with all-wheel drive, right?
Yes.
It's our newest safety feature designed to help keep you out of an accident.
So how come you don't put it on all your cars?
All our cars?
Like Subaru does.
Subaru.
Every Subaru we make comes with the safety of all-wheel drive.
Every wagon, every coupe, every sedan.
So only one Volvo has all-wheel drive, but they all have cupholders.
Yeah.
Subaru, the beauty of all-wheel drive.
Still using Zero to call people collect?
Hello?
Stop!
It's expensive.
What to do?
Dial 1-800-COLLECT.
Dialing 1-800-COLLECT saves the people you call lots of money.
Hello?
Hi, Grandma.
Oh!
A regular collect call to cost $675
costs only $289 with 1-800-COLLECT.
What a deal!
It's so easy!
Dial 1-800-COLLECT today and save.
I want my baby back rinsed, baby back rinsed.
I want my baby back rinsed, baby back rinsed.
I got my baby back rinsed.
You know, if we've learned one thing from your great president Abraham Lincoln,
it's never go to the theater.
Luckily, you don't have to.
You can stay home and watch all new episodes of Viva la Rioter.
It's a brand new season of Viva la Rioter every Tuesday night at 10 here in Comedy Central.
If there had been cable TV back then, he might still be alive today.
He'd be 180, but he'd still be alive.
I'm Craig Kilborn.
This is a Daily Show Newsbreak.
Olympic snowboarding champion Ross Robagliotti,
winner of the giant slalomin' snowboarding,
had his gold medal taken away because he tested positive for marijuana.
Officials became suspicious the snowboarder was smoking pot
when they discovered he was a snowboarder.
More tonight at 11.
The Daily Show.
When news breaks, we fix it.
This program is brought to you by Sony Portable Music Products.
Go where the music takes you.
Here's a little something we think you're going to like.
Sony MiniDisc.
The amazing portable that lets you play mixes of your favorite music.
Ones that you record yourself.
You know you'll want it.
Recordable portable digital Sony MiniDisc.
Make it down to Circuit City and make it with M.B.
Back in 1985,
Everybody on the dance floor.
Robbie Hart was the most popular wedding singer around.
You spin me right round, baby, right round.
Until he got stood up at his own wedding.
I realized I'm about to marry a wedding singer.
That could have been brought to my attention yesterday.
New Line Cinema presents.
Is it true that you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Who said that?
Everybody's in statements.
Adam Sandler.
Get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
And Drew Barrymore.
He's so amazingly cute.
In a story about finding love where you least expect it.
Go get him.
All right, all right.
Is he insane?
He's fine. He's just warming up.
You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy.
Sir, one more out first. I will strangle you with my microphone wire.
The wedding singer.
I said hip hop.
A hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop.
With PG-13.
Starts Friday.
You know, I was into all that extreme stuff when I was your age.
Just didn't have a fancy name for it.
Because I never had a Subaru Outback Sport either.
Too bad, Uncle.
This beauty's got a ton of cargo space.
Full-time all-wheel drive.
More horsepower than a RAV4.
You never did that, I'll bet.
Sure, we did.
But what's it ripe for?
Outback Sport.
Part of the Outback family from Subaru.
How much do I get paid?
$3,000.
With $3,000, you can inject me with Ebola virus.
A scientist promised Daryl Witherspoon super senses.
But they forgot to tell him about the side effects.
Now, he's sightless.
Can you show me where the suits are?
Young blind brother, I'm gonna fix you up real good.
Tasteless.
Clueless.
Is this your first time?
No, no, it's my first time.
Marlon Wayans.
David Spade.
Senseless.
Rated R.
Starts Friday, February 20th, everywhere.
Phone Patrol from 1-800-Collect.
Attention, citizens.
I've got big news.
1-800-Collect is now 10 cents a minute every evening.
Whoa, 10 cents a minute.
That's cheap.
Yep, 1-800-Collect.
You'll save so much you can buy a new hairstyle, sonny.
I never thought collect calling could be so inexpensive.
Isn't saving money fun?
1-800-Collect, 10 cents a minute every evening, all week long.
Curiously unthreatening.
I get winded when I use a rotary phone.
Intriguingly bland.
I'm wearing a fragrance.
Surprisingly low-key.
This is me excited.
He's Dr. Katz.
So remarkably mild-mannered, you feel totally comfortable confiding your innermost secrets to him.
And that's what makes him such a deviously brilliant therapist.
Oddly enough, a lot of it comes from the buttocks.
Dr. Katz, professional therapist.
Every Sunday at 10 p.m., only at Comedy Central.
I'm blonde.
That goes against the grain.
Rather, Copple broke off.
Not a blonde among them.
Copple comes closest, but his hair is sandy.
Doesn't count.
So where is it written?
A newsman can't be pure blonde.
Are blondes incapable of serious journalism?
Is that it?
God, that's so myopic.
Myopic.
Look that one up, Copple.
Coming up on your Daily Show, the NBA's Jason Williams slam-dunks the feud.
And we visit a town without pity.
The Daily Show. When news breaks, we fix it.
The original Scream is now on video.
Who are you?
The question is, where am I?
Own the original.
Available in four collectible packages.
Scream. Buy it today.
A rookie cop facing unspeakable evil.
One of the most anticipated games of 1998.
Resident Evil 2.
Everyone's gonna die.
I want my baby back.
Chilis, baby back ribs.
I want my baby back.
Chilis, baby back ribs.
My baby sauce.
I got my baby back ribs.
Here's a little something we think you're gonna like.
Sony MiniDisc.
The amazing portable that lets you play mixes of your favorite music.
Ones that you record yourself.
You know you'll want it.
Yes!
Recordable, portable, digital Sony MiniDisc.
Make it down to Circuit City.
And make it with MB.
I hate rooming with cans.
Do you mind?
We've got nothing in common except 1-800-Collect.
It's fast, it's easy, and it's inexpensive.
What?
1-800-Collect. It's fast, it's easy, it saves.
You're looking at the Biore Pour Perfect Strip.
In about 10 minutes, it unclogs pores by grabbing dirt,
makeup, even blackheads, and pulling them away.
What you can see on the strip when you're done.
If you like looking at that sort of thing, Biore, clean, honest.
Hi, I'm Ben Stein.
I'm hosting a new game show on Comedy Central.
It's the first show to give contestants a shot at the host's money.
But you've got to beat my score to win my green.
Win Ben Stein's money every Monday through Thursday
at 7.30 and 11.30 p.m. at Comedy Central.