From New York, this is a daily show news break.
Now John Stewart.
Good evening.
Here are some of the stories we're working on in the News Crisis Weather Traffic Center.
President Vice President Cheney outlines his energy task force recommendations.
Oil?
Check.
Coal?
Check.
Nuclear plants?
Check.
Solar power?
Hey, who put that in there?
You guys kill me.
I'm not a fan of the conservation.
Become the featured presentation at an invitation only premiere by controlling who sees your
resume and who doesn't.
Leaving just you, your resume, and the person who's hiring.
They told him he didn't belong.
And you are?
This Friday.
Welcome to the new world.
I've waited my whole life for this moment.
A night's take.
Rated PG-13.
Opens everywhere Friday.
It's cool.
It's hot.
Everything you want is yours.
You're making hot things happen.
How would you describe her?
Hey, she's scary beyond all reason.
I don't believe you're really my great aunt.
You're more like my great, great, great, great, great, great, great.
The Emperor's new bru.
Now available on Amazon.com.
Destiny won't find you.
Send out a search party for your next job.
Tell us what you're looking for.
Like a specific city or industry.
And we'll email you every day with personalized updates.
This is Sports Night.
These are the Yankers.
Dan and Casey.
Producer Dana.
Associate producers Jeremy and Natalie.
And executive producer Benson.
I mean, Isaac.
See, Casey here is obsessed with Dana.
And Dana is obsessed with Casey.
Only Casey denies being obsessed.
Jeremy and Natalie are obsessed with each other.
Isaac is obsessed with the whole show.
And Dan is obsessed with himself.
And if you watch one episode, not only will this make perfect sense, but you'll be obsessed
too.
One hour of Sports Night.
Tomorrow night at 10.
Only on Comedy Central.
The summer blockbuster season has begun.
Live.
The adventure.
Oh, my God.
The most exciting film you'll see all year is The Mummy Returns.
Ready PG-13 now playing at theaters everywhere.
Well, it's that time of year again.
And you're stuck in the heat watching the mercury rise.
Want to make sure that doesn't happen to your summer?
Get you and your friends in her to win really cool Miller Time trips like these.
In our Miller Lite, get the good summertime promotion.
Pick up your Miller Lite, get the goods entry card wherever you see this display.
What are you looking at?
Sweet.
You like?
I like.
Check this.
We're going to win.
Let's go.
Come on.
The Tiburon from Hyundai.
Backed by America's best warranty plan.
So you're free to take on the open road when you find it.
When I was ready to buy a diamond engagement ring, people tried to give me advice.
There was a lot I didn't know.
Things like misgrading and laser drilling, things that can really affect the value of
a diamond.
You want my advice?
Stop by Fortunoff and pick up their free diamond buyer survival guide.
Read it.
It tells you what to look out for.
I chose Fortunoff as the place to buy a diamond.
But even if you don't, get the guide.
Fortunoff, the source for diamonds.
They're watching you, compiling your information, invading your privacy, revealing your identity.
At EarthLink, we would never do that.
We just deliver the totally anonymous internet.
Up next, it's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, followed by Win Ben Stein's Money, only on
Comedy Central.
I stand to tell it humbled.
You can always tell who's been to the party.
Mario Party 3.
With all new characters and over 70 new mini games, you might want to rest up.
Mario Party 3, rated E.
There is no danger, however, as the satellite's now expected to smash into Quasi, an uninhabited
part of the Australian outback.
Scientists say the 12th...
Do you Yahoo?
Yahoo!
Heinz tomato ketchup is devious.
It works quietly, oftentimes under the cover of a bun.
And it will change your food if you don't watch it.
Stein's tomato ketchup, not to be trusted.
At Quiznos, we pioneered the toasted sub.
Sort of a bit like that guy who had a pointed stick instead of a rod.
We pioneered the classic Italian sub made with the finest meats and cheeses.
Quiznos, oven toasted, tastes better.
Meet Marvin Mage.
Dimples got out again.
I let him out.
He's not the man he used to be.
He's a whole new breed.
I put animal pots in you.
Somebody help my boy!
From the producing team of Big Daddy, Rob Schneider is...
Is that your goat?
The animal.
How's it going?
Yeah, going on.
Rated PG-13.
Opens everywhere June 1st.
If making a difference in people's lives is just as important to you as the size of your
paycheck, perhaps you should consider a career in healthcare.
Clean medical office personnel are in high demand these days.
It's a top career.
There is a lot of advancement opportunities.
The current demand for certified medical assistance is great.
With the onset of managed care, there is a huge demand for insurance claim processors.
Call us today.
We're down.
We can help get you started.
Another movie from an old TV show.
I heard that.
The robot.
That's old school, right?
Definitely.
Old school.
Incredible.
Cameron Diaz.
Drew Barrymore.
Lucy Liu.
Rated PG-13.
Order on Pay Per View.
Pass in your seat belts.
the plain truth about flight-attended schools.
Oh no, we don't put babies in the overpass.
Plus, Richie Sambora, the Daily Show with John Stewart
coming up next only on Comedy Central.
On an all-new That's My Bush.
When George opens the Alaskan oil fields.
You'd think Alaska was a holy land or something.
The natives get restless.
Stick your head out there further,
maybe they'll hit it with a brick.
That's My Bush is all new next Wednesday after South Park.
And now stay tuned for an all-new Daily Show
with John Stewart only on Comedy Central.
Comedy Central wants you to know
the United States Army needs you.
Young men like these two here are enlisting in the Army.
In this Army, they'll get in shape, make friends,
and become cold-blooded killing machines.
They'll learn the value of words like honor, duty,
and you commie bastards, you'll never get away with this.
They might even get to see some action.
You too can become a true hero with the unique training
only the United States Army can provide.
Take action and watch Bill Murray
and Harold Ramis in Stripes tomorrow at 7.30
only on Comedy Central.
This program is brought to you by Gatorade Energy Bar.
What burns inside you?
You know that voice, the one that asks,
have I got it today?
Answer with this, Gatorade Energy Bar.
Carbs to build stores of energy, energy to burn.
What burns inside you?
Hi, at Snapple we've created a place for the very best fruit.
But sadly, not all fruit are good.
Turn to the left.
The bad ones go to a far different place.
Some got mixed up with preservatives.
Others are just plain rotten.
Locked away, they'll no longer be a danger to themselves or society.
Leaving the best fruit free to become even better.
At Snapple.
Right now during Kia's Great May sales event, you get more for less.
Like the Spectra, the Sophia and the Rio.
They all come with a 10-year, 100,000-mile warranty.
Plus, 5-year, 24-hour roadside assistance.
All this for a whole lot less.
Because right now you get up to $12.50 cash back.
Not to mention 1.9% financing.
Which means the more you wait, the less chance you'll have of getting a great deal during
Kia's Great May sales event.
Ends May 31st.
Yum, yum.
All right, dude, I'll be right back.
Sorry, I'll save my seat.
I got it, I got it.
Oh, excuse me, is the seat taken?
Nope, it's not.
I run this place.
Anybody else who runs this place, please raise your hand.
Good.
I'm not quitting and I'm not getting fired.
At least not today and probably not tomorrow.
Let me add, Dana, that things that I say in my office stay in my office.
Natalie's my second-in-command.
She's the only one I told.
Jeremy's my boyfriend.
He's the only one I told.
I told many, many people.
But who got him챙ing in?
Many of you.
There you go. ID.
I don't have, but you know, we just saw you.
No, ID up here.
Who makes the best minivan?
Obviously, the press has already decided.
Dodge Grand Caravan.
The best minivan ever.
See. Compare. Drive. Caravan.
Now with a $2,000 cash allowance or low 0.9 financing.
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Call 973-616-7337.
We're here at Crane Chevrolet, where you will find a huge selection of new Chevrolet's.
Like the exciting Corvette, the rugged Laser, the roomy Venture, the affordable Malibu, the fun Tracker, and more.
And Crane is now taking orders for the new 2002 Trailblazer.
Or if you'd prefer a quality pre-owned vehicle, Crane has many to choose from.
Plus, let one of our finance specialists accommodate you with a tailor-made lease or finance package to suit your budget.
Come see us soon. Crane Chevrolet, Route 46 East, Clifton will be there.
Keep it here for win Ben Stein's money.
Followed by The Man Show.
Next, only on Comedy Central.
Who makes the best minivan?
Dodge Caravan uses infrared sensors that read the temperature around the driver, front passenger, and back passengers.
And give each zone its own control.
It's the only minivan that offers automatic, three-zone climate control.
Dodge Grand Caravan. The best minivan ever.
See, compare, drive.
Grand Caravan, the minivan rated best by AAA.
A mother's hand is never ordinary. To slip an extraordinary gift onto it, come to K. Jewelers.
This Mother's Day, give her K. Special Mom's Ring for $99.95 and receive a free gift bear.
Every kiss begins with K.
K. Jewelers.
Africa and Planner's Trail Mix.
Awesome.
Giraffe.
Tossing through trail mix.
Giraffes don't need trail mix.
Everyone loves Planner's Trail Mix.
All the good stuff you'd expect in surprising flavors you wouldn't.
I wonder if you'd do my hedges.
Planner's Trail Mix. Relax. Go nuts.
All across the country, people have places to go.
Things to do.
So they go Midas for total car care.
Needed alignment? We do that.
Air conditioning? We do that.
Brakes? We do that.
Oil changes? We do that.
Batteries too. Of course, mufflers.
And we do all that with our certified technicians.
And our nationwide guarantee.
So for total car care, who does it all?
Midas. We do that.
Everyone settle down. It's time we had the talk.
At Snapple, when young fruit ripen, they may want to combine with other fruit.
These urges are perfectly natural.
So experiment, explore, even play the field.
When fruit join together, it's a very special thing at Snapple.
All right, we know May is going to be huge on Comedy Central.
We've got to come up with a big campaign. We've got to sell it.
Check this out. Lay it on me.
The May-Jet. Not just May. Not just a midget. The May-Jet.
Yo, I'm the May-Jet. May is going to be hot on Comedy Central.
We've got all new episodes of That's My Butch.
One of these days, Laura, I'm going to punch you in the face.
500 episodes of Win Ben Stein's Money.
What does that even mean?
And it's Tim May Month on South Park.
Timmy!
Come on!
Man, this is so stupid.
We lost the May-Jet.
Dude, May is going to be hot.
May is going to be hot.
Smokin'.
Come on!