Remember, if you're in the mood for, oh, say, a nitwit or two, you can always turn to Comedy Central for your nitwit needs the same time next weekend.
Going back to basics, living simple as can be. Introducing clean, simple freshness. Introducing Glade Basics Air Freshener. Just one fresh and clean, I'm living basic things. Glade Basics has natural extracts for pure, clean, simple freshness.
Going back to basics, doing what needs the most to me. Going back to simple, I'm living basic things. New Glade Basics. Fresh from Glade, Essie Johnson-Weckx.
Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. So call this toll-free number to find out how easy it is to train at home for a better career.
At ICS, more than 10 million men and women have prepared for new careers without setting foot inside a classroom. And now at home in your spare time, you can get your diploma or your degree.
Choose from any one of these courses. High school TV, VCR repair, computer programming, electrician, animal care specialist, auto mechanics, PC repair, bookkeeping, legal assistant, medical office assistant, hotel restaurant management, learning the personal computer, electronics, or get your degree.
You can major in business management or accounting. Make this important call right now. Call now for the free information Sally Strother spoke about. Then decide if you want to train at home for a better career to make more money.
Call 1-800-447-8000. There is absolutely no obligation. That's 1-800-447-8000 for free career information. Call now.
This could be your arm. This could be your back. This could be your stomach. This could be your thigh. These could be your shoulders.
This could be your body. This could be the way. The Soliplex muscle machine, just $39 a month. Call now for a free brochure.
This could be your arm. This could be your chest. These could be your shoulders. This could be your thigh. This could be your stomach. This could be your back. This could be your body. This could be the way.
the way. The SoloFlex Muscle Machine, just $39 a month. Call now for a free brochure.
This is a Clippers Choice edition of Stand Up, Stand Up at Comedy Central. This is my
clipping friend, Andrea. Now, Andrea used to have a life. You know, friends and family,
the usual. But she gave it all up for the magic of showbiz. That's why she sits in a
little room all day watching comedians and going, gee, that part's funny. Let's show
that part. Right, Andrea? So let's all share the magic with Andrea's favorite comedians,
Greg Rogel, John Stewart, Andy Kindler, and Suzanne Westenhofer.
And I was going through a photo. I found a letter that I wrote to Santa Claus when I
was a little kid that my mom saved. You ever write a letter to Santa Claus in your kid?
It was kind of cute. I brought it with me. I'll read it to you. Dear Santa, I'm not writing
this letter to ask you for any toys. I know you won't give me any because I'm a Jew. Your
apparent lack of compassion towards the Jewish community is only a reflection of a racist
policy of non-recognition towards the state of Israel. I was a kid. I didn't know any
better. I hope you get clipped by a DC-10. You crash in the Andes Mountains and you have
to eat your own reindeer to survive. You fat Nazi bastard.
I don't even know if there is a heaven. I mean, my religion, I'm a Jew. Not that I got
to choose it. You never get to choose your religion. It just chooses you. I didn't get
a choice in it. Now I've got to follow all these rules of the Jewish faith that don't
even make sense to me. Here are the rules of the Jewish religion as far as I can tell.
See if you can follow the logic. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that
the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody? What does God care?
Does he have a beef business in Nebraska we're ruining? You know, every religion has got
these bizarre rules. Catholics, you guys have terrible rules. Don't masturbate. How'd you
find out about that? I'm God. I'm everywhere. Don't masturbate. Damn. What about pork? Yeah,
go ahead, I'm a sandwich. The Catholics, they can eat the pork, they just can't play with
it. See, they draw the line.
But I am going back for the holidays, the big Hanukkah. I really am designing this next
bit to bomb and I have such a good feeling in my stomach. I love it. I love it more than
any other human being has loved bombing. I love it. I love it. I'm going back for Hanukkah.
Get ready not to like this. Okay, sir, you're already on the edge of not liking it. Get
ready to really hate it, okay? And I feel better. Somehow I feel better that way. I'm
going back to New York for Hanukkah, man. Hanukkah, isn't that so commercial now, Hanukkah?
It is nuts now. Every year it's more and more commercialized. They start earlier in the
stores every year with the Hanukkah stuff. You notice that? In October, November they
have the Hanukkah stuff out. It's not even too bish vat yet for crying out loud. A week
after you put away your Shavuish decorations for Jean-Mali slip-a-lips. If you're not Jewish,
that joke could have been about any religion. It could have been about Muslims, all right?
Have you noticed that Muslim religion, Ramadan, is getting more commercial every year? Ramadan
is nuts. They start earlier and earlier with the Ramadan stuff in the stores. It's not
even ooh-la-loo-loo. A week after you put away your Cat Stevens albums for crying out loud.
Lots of weird things about being a woman right now. Tampons. Let's talk about tampons for
just a minute because I have a problem with them. Because there's two kinds of tampons,
gentlemen. Women, you all know this. There's the regular tampons that have an applicator,
okay? Kind of a little seek and find catapult thing. It's in. Then there's these other tampons,
these little pellets, these little Nazi tampons. The OBs ought to stand for, oh boy, I'm not
getting that in. Because there's no way to get them in. When you get them in, it's never
right. Those super absorbent ones, aren't they awful? Some of them are way too absorbent.
You're walking around going, God, I'm thirsty. I hate those OBs because sometimes you get
them in and you think everything's okay and you start out the bathroom and you're like,
oh, I don't think that's right. It's making a noise. Should it make a noise? And sometimes
you lose your tampon altogether and you have no idea where it is. And I've often had this
fear that I'll be like 80 years old and they'll be performing surgery on my pancreas or something.
They cut me out and they're like, what the hell are all these OBs doing in here? Jesus,
don't you know if they make a noise, they're not in right.
Mystic Music presents Cool Rock. The sounds are hot, but the rock is cool.
Cool Rock contains 35 chart toppers for only $19.95 for cassettes or $24.95 for CDs. Here's
how to order. Have your credit card ready and call toll free 1-800-447-8000 or send
$19.95 for two cassettes or $24.95 for two CDs plus $4.50 shipping and handling to Cool
Rock PO Box 4188 Omaha, Nebraska. I'm a lucky guy. I have a great job and earn my living
doing what I love best. But it wasn't just luck that got me here. It was auto mechanics
training at national education centers. If you like cars, you can handle one of these.
But how about one of these or one of these? That's a big part of what it takes to be a
great mechanic today. So if you want to earn like a pro, you've got to learn like a pro.
For a brochure, call 1-800-598-6600. 1-800-598-6600. Call now. We all know how much fun playing
the guitar can be, but until now, learning meant months of tedious lessons costing hundreds
of dollars and getting limited results. Well, no more. Now you can learn to play any guitar
in only 30 days. In fact, you'll actually be playing from the very first day, even if
you've never held a guitar before. How's it possible? With the revolutionary Guitar Today
video program. Rock country folk popper jazz, you'll be playing guitar from the very first
day. Meet Exit 57. Beverly, take your coat and let's go. Show's over. You can give me
that. Now! Okay, 10 more minutes. Exit. Satisfaction is guaranteed. Pour your money back.
For rush delivery of your Craftsman RoboGrip, get your Sears charge or other credit card
ready and call 1-800-641-4114. That's 1-800-641-4114. Or send check or money order for 1999 plus
shipping and handling and applicable state and local sales tax to RoboGrip, 5959 Triumph
Street, Commerce, California, 90040. Call 1-800-641-4114. That's 1-800-641-4114 right now.