Hi.
Hey, how'd it go?
How'd what go?
Oh, Dolly Parton's people called me at the last minute to do her makeup for her Radio
City concert.
Dolly Parton?
How could you not tell me?
She is my idol.
Yeah.
Too bad she got sick and can't tour with her daughter anymore.
Darlene, those are the Judds.
Oh my God, she's got names for them?
Look, I didn't say anything because I didn't want you down there bothering her.
It was a one-night gig.
I got paid and it's over.
So I can crumple up this message you got from Dolly's road manager?
What are you doing?
You'll be sucking tasty cakes through a straw.
Oh, Dolly loved the work I did and they want me to come in for an interview tomorrow.
I bet they want to hire me for the rest of the tour.
Oh, Dolly Parton's makeup artist?
Oh, Charlene, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and it's not even happening
to me.
I said the same thing on my wedding night.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
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They look like average Americans. They're often intelligent, successful. But these men are serial killers.
Do you have any idea how many people you killed?
I'd say about 150.
Today, John Walsh takes you inside the mind of a confessed serial killer and shows you how one police force is cracking a bizarre serial case.
Your phone tip could make all the difference. Watch a special America's Most Wanted from San Diego, Friday.
Hey, look! The lady across the street is putting a diamond brooch in her safe.
Thirty-two to the left, thirty-one to the right.
Hey, is anybody writing this down?
Cut that out!
Billy, you know better than that. Now.
Go home!
You're a bad-handle, meek and mighty, and you'll be hearing from my attorney!
Can you imagine invading people's privacy like that?
It's sick. It's perverted.
How much you want for this thing?
Well, I'm all ready for my interview. I will be the judge of that.
Now, first of all, do you know the location of the four-room log cabin where Dolly was born?
North Vietnam?
No! Everybody knows she was from the South. It was pigeon-forged Tennessee in the Great Smoky Mountains.
Okay, now question number two, and this is a toughie.
Take your time, Charlene. It's for the matching luggage.
True or false?
Dolly's real-life sister played her character in the TV version of Nine to Five.
Charlene, they are not going to ask those kind of questions.
Okay, true.
Way to go, Charlene! Why are you making such a big deal about this?
Because this isn't just a job. This is big, really big. I mean, possibly a stepping stone to unfathomable success.
I'm first Dolly Parton, then another celebrity, then another.
Pretty soon you'll be calling Cher by her first name.
Dolly?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, I have an interview with Becky Higgins, Dolly's road manager.
It's me!
Oh, hi.
You must be Charlene. Hey, everybody, this is Charlene.
Let's make her feel at home with a big Dolly hello.
How do, Charlene?
How do?
Let's go on over to the couch and get comfy while we chat.
Hi. Everyone sure seems friendly.
It's very important to Dolly that we are one big happy family.
Now, tell me about yourself, Charlene. I'm a good listener.
Oh, great. Okay, well, my first makeup job was left-pectoral sweat girl on Rocky IV.
Oh, let me tell you about Rocky. My marriage was Rocky.
Before I came to work for Dolly, I was a little girl.
I was working so hard, I developed this nervous twitch, sort of like this.
But it just up and disappeared the very day I started working for Dolly.
But it was just like a miracle.
My life is so wonderful now, I just want to shout it from the highest mountain.
I love my job! I really, really do.
Where were we?
Well, you can see my resume in this.
Oh, yes. This is all very impressive.
But I'm just going to have to think about it, Charlene.
Okay, I thought about it. I really, really did.
The job is yours if you want it.
Oh, yes, I would love to.
Hey, everybody, she took the job! Charlene, come here.
Charlene, come here tonight!
I don't believe this.
You know, I did not buy this telescope so you two could become peeping Tuscany-nay-neys.
Look, Mrs. Newman, I found the guy that did the job.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
Look, Mrs. Newman, I found the guy that spray-paints his chest hair.
Wow! He's cute!
Where are you going?
To get a better view.
At my age, it's best just to watch.
Charlene, did you get the job?
Yes, sir. Rebobbed me and Dahlia now closer than a flattened possum on a busy highway.
Why are you talking so funny?
Tarnation, girls! Just your imagination.
Oh, Dahlia and I really hit it off.
She even said she'd fix me up with one of her cousins.
Of course, that could be anyone from the South.
Sit, sit, sit!
I want to hear everything. Likes, dislikes, noteworthy personal tragedies.
Charlene, please.
There is nothing more pathetic than someone all wrapped up in someone else's life.
Dahlia is wonderful.
Susan gave me this personalized Dolly orientation handbook.
See, in the back, it has all of Dolly's favorite recipes.
And here's some coupons for discount admission into Dollywood.
Look at this, look at this, look at this!
My very own Dolly cut-out doll!
That is so Dolly!
We spent the whole afternoon together, and you know what?
We found out we have a lot in common.
What could you possibly have in common with a big star like that?
Well, you two may be a tad top-heavy, but I am normal size.
Oh, please, Marlene, between the three of us, we could end hunger in the third world.
So, you and Dolly hit it off.
Big deal. I still say that sugar-coated sweetness is just a front.
Charlene, why do you always have to be so negative?
I know what you're trying to do, Charlene.
You were just fishing for gossip, but there isn't any.
There is not one mean bone in her body.
In fact, she even said she'd introduce me to Tennessee Ernie Ford.
So, she threatened you.
Charlene, I believe you.
I bet Dolly is so nice that she's going to give you a big old Cadillac convertible,
just like Elvis gave all the people who worked for him.
Well, I don't know. I mean, Dolly's nice, but she's not that nice.
How do, everybody? I say, how do, everybody?
Hi, Becky.
The name is Ms. Higgins. Is that so hard for you to remember?
Is something wrong?
I'll say something's wrong. Take a look at this.
Dolly Parton is not that nice, says Staff Insider.
Lies. Vicious, unsupportable lies from someone in this very room.
Calm down, Becky. I mean, Dolly's used to this.
She's in the tabloids all the time.
Yes. They've said she's been depressed.
They've said she sleeps around.
But they've never gone so far as to say she's not nice.
Come on, I mean, it's not like she's going to conduct a nationwide manhunt
to figure out whoever's responsible for this, right? Right? Right?
Shh. Here she comes.
Ooh, hi, doggies!
It is such a beautiful day out there.
The sky is so blue and the birds are singing,
and I was singing this little song in Central Park,
and these muggers, these gang members and crack dealers
joined in on the courses.
And don't make any plans for lunch today, anybody,
because I'm cooking up a big old pot of my famous chili,
and I'm going to cook up a mess of greens, too,
because I feel so alive.
I love those earrings.
Come on, do you really think someone like that
is going to take what the Inquisitor said personally?
Well, maybe you're right.
This silly little thing ain't going to bother her at all.
Oh, doggie!
Night night! I'll show you night night!
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What is the perfect Valentine's gift?
Time to shop.
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Pretty Woman on videocassette.
A lot of women play tug of war with their patty hoes.
Now there's Lex Classics, a more fitting solution.
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When an anonymous caller turns to the hotline for help,
I've been raped.
Brenda Walsh must decide between keeping the secret
Are you okay?
It happened again.
and exposing the truth.
I know who it is.
She doesn't want to come forward.
And if I reveal who she is, there's no telling what she'll do.
Beverly Hills 90210, next.
Goldie Hawn, Chevy Chase, and Dudley Moore in a hilarious whodunit foul play.
Foul play, noon Sunday on Fox 43.
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I don't believe it.
What?
You know that tramp I was telling you about?
Miss Edible Panties?
She's cooking dinner for the bald guy downstairs
with the bad toupee Mr. Wrong Color Eyebrows.
I thought Miss Edible Panties was fooling around with Mr. Anal Retainer.
She was, but I guess she got tired of him dividing her underwear
into the four basic food groups.
All right, you two, out with it.
Which one of you blabbed?
She did!
You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?
Look at this.
These are my words right here in print.
You're the only people that heard me say this.
Now, I am going to ask you this just once.
Did one of you call the National Inquisitor?
No!
All right, did one of you, like, perhaps speak to a stranger
who might have been a reporter?
No!
Did one of you talk to a friend or someone in this building?
No!
What are you staring at me for?
I know it! Look at that face!
It's got guilt written all over it!
You could never keep a secret, could you?
Even when we were younger and you told everyone I lost my virginity!
I still can't believe she put that sign on my back.
So who did you tell?
Well, I was so excited about your job!
I may have told a few people.
Well, Marla and Howard and the guy who shaves his head
and holds all those orgies in the basement.
I can't believe it.
It's only a matter of time before they trace the leak back to me.
When word gets out, I'll never work in this town again!
Shalene, why are you so worried?
Those rags are always writing stuff about Dolly.
Last week they said she was carrying Pee-wee Herman's love child.
Maybe you're right, Marlene.
I mean, Dolly was pretty upset when she saw those headlines,
but she really is nice.
I mean, I'm sure she's over it by now.
Do-do-do-do-do-do.
The door's open!
Miss Parton?
Oh, Charlene, come on in.
I wasn't exactly sure what you needed.
Becky was kind of vague, so I brought the works.
We've got enough skincare products here
to get Ernest Borgner on the cover of Cosmo.
Well, that's real sweet of you, honey,
but I really don't need anything.
You don't?
No, silly, I just thought it'd be good
if the two of us got together, just kind of chatty a little,
get to know each other a little better.
Oh.
Of course, now, if that's not a good time,
we can always do this later.
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. Perfect, in fact.
Oh, good. Well, have a seat.
Okay.
So...
So...
So how do you like being part of this big old happy family?
Dolly, I am having the most wonderful time.
I mean, everyone here is so...
so... nice.
Real.
Oh, Dolly, I swear I crossed my heart and hoped to die.
I never told anyone those filthy, disgusting lies
impugning your niceness or lack thereof.
Honest, honest.
Oh, don't cry.
Get up from there. It's all right.
I believe you.
Do you?
The fact of the matter is, I really don't care who it is
that started all those things.
You don't?
You know, we used to have this old preacher back home.
He used to say that forgiveness is like a busy intersection
with happiness to the left of it and loneliness to the right.
Sounds like a smart old preacher to me.
The only problem is, with all this forgiveness,
welling up inside of me, I'm gonna have to find somebody
to give it to and faster, or else I'm just gonna bust.
Oh, Maury Bob, come on in here.
Looks like you brought old Jolene.
Jolene?
You know, this is gonna sound a little crazy,
but if I didn't know better, I'd swear this was a lie detector.
Miss Parton prefers us to call it a dolly graph.
It kind of has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, Sugar?
Hook her up.
Although we had no money,
I was rich as I could be
And my coat of many colors
That Mama made for me
Plus she made it just for me
You don't think that song's too sentimental
and mushy, do you, honey?
Gosh, no, I love it.
Calibrating?
Charlene, Maury Bob here's gonna ask you a few basic questions,
so you just relax, okay?
I'm relaxed.
Now, what's your name?
Charlene Gilbert.
What's the color of your hair?
A deep, rich, unique shade of chestnut.
Brown.
Eyes?
Two.
Color of eyes, in 25 words or less.
Burnt sienna.
Oh, Jolene, give her that one.
Thank you.
Okay, one more.
How much do you weigh?
Ms. Parton, go ahead.
Charlene, I'm gonna ask you one simple question
about that newspaper thing.
I know.
But before I do, I want you to understand
just how really difficult this is for me
because I'm a woman.
I'm a woman.
It's really difficult this is for me
because I don't want to put a strain on our new friendship,
which I truly, truly cherish.
Oh, Dolly, I love you and I respect you
and I can assure you that nothing you could do or say
could ever diminish the magical bond
that exists between the two of us.
Do you really mean that?
Oh, hon, that is so sweet.
Look, the plug came out.
Hey, you're grabbing mists off of me, Trix.
I can still walk.
Uh-uh, temper, temper.
Dolly, these are my sisters, Charlene and Marlene.
Hi. Hi.
Look, I don't care what anybody says.
I loved you in gallstone.
Rhinestone. Rhinestone.
And what are you guys doing here with Mrs. Newman?
I was installing some new eavesdropping equipment
when I picked up on Wrinkle Grona here
talking to the inquisitor's 1-800-SPILL-IT line.
And they busted in and grabbed me.
And I was entertaining a gentleman, Flynn, too.
Miss Newman, do you know who I am?
Parts of you are familiar, I suppose.
And did you really say all those awful things about me
to that paper?
I couldn't help myself.
I needed money for a new bedpan.
I'm sorry, Dolly.
Forgive me, I'm sorry.
Oh, I don't know.
Charlene, what do you think I should do with this old gal?
I don't know.
Charlene, what do you think I should do with this old gal?
Charlene?
Charlene, where'd she go?
I thought I'd find you out here.
No, I just needed some time alone, that's all.
Oh, so.
You okay?
Good, glad to hear it, because I got a hot date.
A date? With who?
Maury, the lie detector guy.
Oh, him.
Yeah.
We started talking shop about invading people's privacy,
trampling on their basic constitutional freedoms.
And we realized we both like dim sum, too.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
Hurry back and tell me all about it.
Are you kidding?
The video will be out next summer.
Summer!
Now, would you forget, darling?
I do.
Hi, Charlie.
I didn't expect to see you again.
Well, I came to give you something.
A pie?
Well, back home where I'm from,
swallowing pie is a lot easier than swallowing pride.
And it's a lot more fun, too.
I bet.
I really am sorry that I accused you that was wrong of me.
Oh, darling, that means so much to me to hear you say that.
It's mince meat. I hope you like it.
Oh, are you kidding? I love mince meat.
Charlene, you big phony, I baked that pie myself.
I see.
I'm sorry.
You can stop tracking in a gun, you say.
Why, you almost giving me a bullet, yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Why'd you come in here looking like that?
Why'd you come in here looking like that?
Father, baby!
How much royalty can you buy for 49 cents?
Thank you for watching.