Our news is next.
Good morning, I'm Edie Donahue.
The tax man gets a facelift and that's good news for you.
Hi, I'm Steve Doocy. Love is keeping us together, baby.
The captain and toenail. Oh, I mean, Tenille are in the house.
And I'm the sports guy Brian Kilmeade.
That's as close as Steve Doocy will ever get to singing on this show.
The washing machine is just ready for la... it's not just for laundry anymore.
No matter how you read it, you know what I mean.
You'd be surprised at what's going down in the wash.
Those stories and more coming up your way now in Stop.
Stop, stop, because I really love you. Stop, stop, I'm breaking up you.
Look in my heart and let love keep us together. Looks like muskrat love.
Okay, they're singing about muskrat love.
Oh, we couldn't find one.
Shh, shh, shh. We've got an update.
It is illegal to show a muskrat on television.
Something like that. You cannot use... these are from... I don't know.
They've been going at it for two weeks trying to find muskrat.
Look at that. This is why I don't want to wear a hat.
This is why I don't want to wear a hat. Because I shouldn't be wearing it.
Brian, you could be a cop pit with that hat on.
I feel ridiculous.
We look like the leftovers from the Village People audition.
I'm not a hat guy.
We've got Captain and Toneel on our program.
I know the theme.
A little later on.
I'd just rather not wear the hat.
So we've got hats and the boss, Dennis, said, go get me a muskrat.
A muskrat.
And you're so afraid of Dennis that you have to wear the hat.
I am afraid. So we looked and we looked. We couldn't find a muskrat.
They think we look good.
But we found a rat and we found some musk.
See they wear...
Musk rat.
Very good.
Uh huh.
That was supposed to be the muskrat sound.
Are we making that thing? Is that that noise?
It's moving its mouth.
Okay, so anyway, Captain and Toneel are here. That's why we've got the funny hats.
I love the Captain and Toneel.
They're sensational. I've never heard the Captain speak.
I love those really corny songs. I thought they were great.
He's like, the Captain is like that guy with Penn and Teller.
I don't know which one it is, but the one who doesn't talk.
Right, but I can definitely tell the difference between the Captain and Toneel,
where Penn and Teller, I'm confused.
Hey, we should point out this lovely flower arrangement down here.
This comes to us from Tony Randall.
Tony Randall was supposed to...
Where's the card?
Tony Randall was supposed...
Oh, be careful, you're going to knock it over.
Tony Randall was supposed to be on our show yesterday, but...
What'd they say?
One thing or another happened and they just couldn't show.
My apologies regarding Tony...
It's not from Tony. It's from Ted Karras Edelman.
His PR guy.
Oh, oh, oh.
So anyway...
He probably didn't even know he was supposed to be on.
Well, we told Tony that he had to bring in baby pictures,
so I think he's still getting a couple developed.
He wanted to have fresh ones.
But he will be on when? The 20th?
The 20th.
Coming up.
Hey, listen, in this year program today, you know,
the brand new People magazine, we've got it,
and we were looking through the pictures of Barbara and James Brolin.
They got married.
I think these guys out here, the construction workers,
are looking longingly at you in that captain's hat.
Really?
They're thinking you look really hot.
Who, me? You think I...
Oh, yeah.
They're on their way to the site and they're going,
man, if I had a hat like that, what kind of whistles would I get?
Brian Wilson is with us, ladies and gentlemen.
Baa Baa Brand. I like his T-shirt.
Alrighty.
Anyway, coming back to Barbara Streisand and James Brolin,
they got married.
The question is, what is he going to call her mom?
And that brings up the whole question,
what do you call your in-laws?
Do you call them mom and dad? Do you call them...
You know, at my house, I call them...
Because Bill's getting married tomorrow.
That's true.
Lovely.
Bill over on Channel 4.
Oh, he's going to get hit by a camera.
On camera 4.
He's not on Channel 4 anymore.
He's getting hit.
Yeah, not anymore.
And he's so excited.
Especially now that he knows going bald is sexy.
Oh, Edie, how could you say that?
He said it before.
Oh, he now?
Yeah, he's feeling very stutley about it.
So anyway, what do you call your in-laws?
Call us up also today.
Long distance.
I'm not, yeah.
I'm not making this up.
I'm a little froggy.
I was over at Edie's house last night for that kegger.
Yeah.
Trying to take the gin out of your hand and you go crazy.
Who took those flamingos out of the front yard?
I don't know.
No.
She has got the most beautiful double white I've ever seen.
Thank you.
That looks like permanent skirting around it.
It is.
It's permanent movement and siding.
Very nice.
Well, the tires are flat.
It might as well be permanent.
Today is...
Inflate them on purpose.
And we have inflated other things.
But today is intern appreciation day.
A lot of people don't have interns if you're not working in government.
So anyway, do you have somebody else that you would like to say thank you to, somebody who helps you through the day?
And finally, it is free phones and Photo Friday.
Call us up.
There is some mental patient outside doing some kind of nutty dance out there.
It's free phones and Photo Friday.
Call us up with anything that is on your mind.
We are, of course, going to send you a free picture of us.
And maybe something really good.
Maybe.
Maybe one of these captain and toenail hats.
Anyway, dial us up.
Your phone calls in about 10 minutes.
Right after Edie updates us on the entire world.
I'm telling you.
And a big world it is.
It starts in Los Angeles, though.
O.J. Simpson might be appealing the $33 million civil judgment against him.
The Los Angeles Daily Journal reports Simpson's lawyers are asking that the wrongful death judgment for the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman be reversed.
Christopher So is the inquiring mind who helped police catch Ennis Cosby's killer.
And now he's gotten his national inquirer rewards.
$100,000.
So what will he do with all that dough?
I'm going to donate a portion of the money to the Ennis William Cosby Foundation to help special children.
So some of the portion of the money is going to go there.
The rest of the money, I guess I'll figure something out.
Yeah.
So the cops, he told the cops that he heard Mikhail Markosev confess and then led them to the murder weapon.
You might call it an unlucky twist of fate for actor Phil Hartman and his wife.
They both might be alive today if a drug rehab center in Malibu, California had had an extra bed.
It was the same one that helped Robert Downey Jr.
Hartman's wife Brynn was unable to book herself into the rehab center just days before she killed her husband and herself.
Are we through with the murder stories now?
Yes.
Because Brian and I have been sitting here patiently.
Is that his downer?
Yeah, we've been crying.
OK.
How about drugs? Is drugs OK?
It's a little better.
OK.
With the media as the stage, the curtain has gone up on the biggest anti-drug campaign ever.
We're anti-drugs.
This is heroin.
This is what happens to your brain after snorting heroin.
Ooh, that's good.
This is what your body goes through.
It's not over yet.
This is what your family goes through.
Whoa.
I think we should go back to murders.
OK.
That kind of looked like Edie last night after we left the house.
$2 billion blitz.
Half the money is coming from the government, half from business.
Hopefully it will help because drugs are a horrible thing.
Brace yourself for a new and improved IRS.
Shock.
The Senate has overwhelmingly approved the IRS reform bill by a vote of 96 to 2.
Well, you know, they sent their interns in to vote for it.
Not in the picture.
It shifts the burden of proof in court cases from the taxpayer to the IRS.
Whoo, that's about time.
OK, opinion.
It also sets up an outside board to oversee the agency.
The president says he'll sign it into the law.
Also, they've changed the name officially.
They are now known as simply the tax guy.
Wow, much better.
There was a survey in New England, you know, on people's laundry habits, and we thought it was news.
The part we think is particularly interesting is the unusual things people say they use washing machines for.
For example, putting colicky babies on top to rock them to sleep.
We've done that.
We've done that.
Some use their Maytag to wash cucumbers and spinach.
By the way, keep the baby on the top of the washer.
There's that big spinning hole.
Don't put them in there.
That's bad.
Exactly.
Wash a cucumber?
Now, I've heard of bathtub gin, but some people make washing machine gin.
Yeah.
And finally, some folks lean on the machine during the spin cycle to get a massage.
Is that what we're calling it now?
Don't you just know some couples admit doing a little more than that.
Tomorrow, toaster ovens and funny things we'll be doing.
It's the weekend.
We'll be doing them with the toaster ovens.
That's the story I screwed up in the open.
Yeah, and you did a great job, though.
But see, people, it's now nine minutes after the hour.
People were tube-side to figure out what the heck he was talking about.
Yeah.
They know, and they're watching Katie and Matt now.
Hey, it's time for you to...
Yeah, that's sad.
Yeah, that's sad.
I miss, by the way, in a rerun.
Don't watch him.
Give us a call, 888-TELL-FOX.
What do you call your in-laws?
It's Intern and Helper Appreciation Day.
It's Free Phones and Photo Friday.
And I'm wearing a chapeau that don't fit.
Captain and Tadeo, too.
We'll be right back with your phone call.
Philips introduces the CD recorder,
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Then, male menopause.
It's a widely used term, but what exactly is it?
And baby talk.
It sure isn't what it used to be.
Join us Saturday and Sunday for FOX on Health Weekend.
Is he staying or going?
A live interview with Jordan's superagent David Falk.
Then the heavyweights, the real deals, looking for the right deal.
And Mike Tyson ropes to get back in the ring.
And he's a 49er goldmine, a talk with Jerry Ross.
Join us Sunday for FOX on Sports.
Welcome back.
We are all nursing headaches because we were over at Edie's house last night.
I don't have a headache, and I know that you had a designated driver.
Yes, I did, my wife drove.
So did you.
Yes.
The makeup girl.
We're not going to talk about it, though.
It sounds worse than it could possibly be.
Well, you know, somehow his wife couldn't make it at the last minute.
She never was able to make it.
It's a two-hour drive.
Whatever, whatever.
It's a Thursday night.
I wouldn't say Brian was impressed with your double wide, but you know what I found?
What?
In his bag when he was sneaking out.
You took his silverware.
You didn't.
Brian.
Brian was stealing your silverware.
What are you talking about?
I took that out of your bag.
It's good stuff, too.
I did not.
I didn't even use silverware.
Listen to that humminah, humminah, humminah.
Yes, you did.
Man, desperate times.
Time for your phone calls.
Let's go out to...
Any more props in your bag of tricks, pal?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, we've already done the rat, the hat, the washing machine.
And the cat with the fork.
Let's go out to Mary in Pennsylvania right now.
Good morning, Mary.
Good morning.
How are you?
Pretty good.
Hey, Mary, come on, some excitement.
It's Friday.
I'm nervous.
I've never been on this before.
Oh, really?
Mary, you want to talk about what you call your in-laws.
Well, I usually call them just by their first name, Joe and Shirley.
Or else we call them...
My daughter couldn't say grandma, so she calls her Gampy.
Yeah.
So it's Gampy and Pop-Pop.
Do you want to call them Mom and Dad?
Um...
Do you wish you were that close?
Well, we are, but...
But they never told you to call them?
I lost my mom when I was young,
and I never felt real comfortable calling her mom.
But did you ask them what should I call you, like when you got married?
No, no, I just called them Cheryl and Joe.
See, women don't have a problem with it.
Guys have the bigger problem.
I do. I have no idea.
Well, my in-laws don't talk to me, but if they did, if they did someday...
They're stealing silverware, too.
Yeah.
No, they don't come visit. They can't steal a thing.
Wow.
But if I did talk to them at some point, I really would...
I wouldn't know what to call them.
Really?
Yeah.
I would call mine Big Daddy and Diamond Lil.
And Diamond Lil?
Yeah, nicknames.
I don't know. I hope she's not watching.
Hey, Mary, thank you very much.
Have you told one true...
That's true. That's what I really call my in-laws.
Big Daddy and Diamond Lil.
Mary, we're going to send you something nice in the mail, okay?
Okay.
Now let's go to Boston.
We take that as an affirmative. You'll accept it.
Thank you.
Paul is with us now. Good morning, Paul.
Good morning, Steve. How are you?
Is Steve?
Yes. Good morning, Paul.
How are you?
Fine.
How are you doing, Edie?
Good. How are you doing?
Not too bad. I love the program, by the way.
Excellent.
Thank you very much.
What did you want to talk about?
Well, I was going to talk about my mother-in-law.
What did he call you?
Her name is Corrine. Okay?
Right.
And we have been married for about 10 years.
You and your mother-in-law?
No, not the mother. That's my wife.
Oh, okay.
Hold on.
Yvonne.
No, not the mother. That's my wife.
Oh, okay.
Hold on.
Yvonne.
Yvonne, who is my wife, who is my mother-in-law.
Okay.
Okay.
We're engaged to get married.
Now, does this feel like an episode of Jerry Springer or what?
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
You were married for a while.
10 years.
To Yvonne.
To Yvonne.
Okay.
And now you're marrying Yvonne's mother-in-law?
Yes. Yes.
Nice.
I'll tell you what, Steve.
Tell me those aren't going to be screwed up family reunions.
I'll tell you what.
Okay.
I have spent more time with my mother-in-law than I have with my own wife.
Well, there you go.
Well, she's about to be your wife.
Huh? About to be my wife, exactly.
And, you know, it's such a coincidence that we happen to be talking about mother-in-laws
today.
And, you know, my mother-in-law happens to be the best woman in the whole world.
Hey, now, Paul is your soon-to-be ex. She is your ex-wife.
Yes.
Is she cool with you marrying her mom?
Well, I'll tell you what, Steve.
Me and the mother-in-law have always gotten along better than I did with my own wife.
Oh, obviously. That's why you're marrying her.
That's why you're marrying her, exactly.
I think David Asman wants to book you on his show.
This is too good.
You know what, Paul, we're going to...
And you know what, Steve?
What's that, Steve?
I forget, you know, this would be the best way for my wife to find out.
Let's hold this guy over.
All right.
Hey, Paul, thank you very much.
Stay tuned.
We've got a commercial, and we're going to talk to you about a movie of the week during it.
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Hold on to your seats. Mel Gibson and Danny Lover are at it again in yet another lethal weapon.
What is this?
19.
Four.
And they're not golfing.
Fox Entertainment reporter Bill McCuddy joins us with what's hot at the box office this weekend.
Is it a hole in one?
Well, actually, Steve, Edie, Brian, and everyone else out there in television land, it is not a bad motion picture.
Yes, they've trotted back the boys, and some fours, Batman, can kind of suck.
But this one is actually pretty good.
There's also a couple of other new motion pictures.
There's a cute little girl named Madeline and some very small soldiers. Take a look.
Gentlemen, start your sequel engines. Riggs and Murtaugh are back in lethal weapon form.
Mel Gibson is still nuts, and Danny Glover is still too old for the job.
But wait, we'll throw in Renee Russo having a baby.
And how about Joe Pesci and Chris Rock to back up and offer comic relief?
I never lost my mother's phone. It took you two hours to make a damn long distance call.
Chinese crime lord Jet Li is doing some kung fu fighting, but the real special effects is the chemistry between Gibson and Glover.
It's kind of like this symbiotic relationship. They both, in some ways, want a little bit of each other in a way.
With a lot of these pairings, you see them, you watch them, and the ones that work kind of do their thing and venture into the other's territory a little bit.
The ones that don't work is when they're both trying to do the same damn thing.
Next, what would happen if the contents of your local Toys R Us suddenly attacked?
Something like small soldiers. Just don't call them dolls.
A doll? Whoa, hey, I play an action figure. Big difference.
Taylor Maid for Marketing Tie-Ins. Look for Major Chip and his buddies at A Burger King near you as well.
Finally, hold on to your hats. It's the big screen version of the children's classic Madeline.
Frances McDormand is the school marm who tries to keep the girls in line. This is little Hattie Jones' first screen role, so what was it like to act with Oscar winner McDormand?
I was a bit nervous in the beginning, but once I got used to acting with her, I was alright because you get used to it.
She's adorable. The big news is Madeline is really a good movie to take the kids to.
Lethal Weapon 4, probably not the best choice there, and Small Soldiers has the dubious distinction of being Phil Hartman's last big on-screen performance.
That's your choice this weekend of the movies. Small Soldiers is, yes.
Even though it seems like the toys are bad toys?
Yeah, well they learn the consequences of violence in Barbie's Malibu House, so that's the important lesson.
Look out, Ken's got an axe!
Thank you.
Hey, you know what, speaking of amazing things, Bill. Whoops, not my turn. Still your turn.
Wow, that is a bad look she's giving you.
Yeah, no kidding.
Does this happen on a real show?
Does Dana ever steal the show from you?
Oh no.
Bloody Coup is a better term.
Do you mind?
No, go ahead.
The camera was aiming at me. I thought it was a Garth Brooks thing.
Edie, maybe you want to use Steve's transition, because the transition work you just had the wrong story.
Hey, go steal some more silverware and tableware.
I'm holding onto this fork with you on the set.
You've got to stop.
Don't fork him.
We've got more People Magazine pictures from Barbara Streisand's wedding to James Brolin.
Nice kiss after the ceremony. They got married two years to the day after their first date.
She's holding that really steady.
She looks really pretty.
She's in white, that's brave.
That's the bridal party.
Middle next to Barbara is James' daughter Molly. On the far right is his granddaughter Eden.
They look pretty.
Look at John Travolta.
Tom Hanks and John Travolta.
Tom's doing the limbo and John is doing his Saturday Night Fever thing.
He can use hair and makeup. He's a little sweaty.
They said actually Travolta was crying through the whole ceremony.
That's what he said. What a wuss.
Why?
Some kind of a Scientology ritual.
So tell us about Garth Brooks. I'm just dying to hear what you have to say.
Completely spontaneous here. It's amazing what fans will do to get tickets for a Garth Brooks concert.
Just about anything. Take a look at this.
These two girls are rolling around in cow manure.
Another woman sat in a bucket of worms. One lady shaved her head.
But the grand prize went to this kid. He actually ate an entire raw fish.
What do they win?
Well he gets to go backstage and meet Garth Brooks in person.
The question is will Garth want to meet this guy?
Only if he brushes.
No, no, no. We can't show that again. That's too disgusting.
Cut.
Turn it off. Turn it off.
It's sushi.
No.
Oh man.
That does not happen again on 825.
Wait a minute. You're telling me the woman who shaved her head came in second?
Yeah.
Gross.
They're rolling around in the cow manure. We apologize for that. Anybody just taking a Pop-Tart out of the doaster right now.
And Pops, that fish looks a little small. They should have threw it back.
It probably was undersized.
Bon Appetit.
What are you, a weekend game warden?
I'm just noticing stuff.
You're going to write that radio station up on a citation?
You realize that means he ate the organs.
Yes, I do realize that. I think we were witnessing that. That was totally disgusting and I don't want to see it again.
You don't?
No, I do not.
Roll it.
Thank you.
I don't want to see it again.
No, no, no.
Turns out we have mostly fish highlights in the sports.
You know, seeing him eating that fish was almost as scary as seeing Edie's daughter, Lauren, trying to pick up my son, Peter.
That was, you're not kidding. She was grabbing.
She wanted to play house with him and when he said no, she pulled his pants down.
Oh my.
Totally true.
But he had no money.
And then she threw a dead frog on you.
Yeah, she did. Charming.
But she's real sweet and all the Deucey kids are invited back.
Yeah, they're great.
Well, they're the well-behaved ones.
All they've got to do is they just have to figure a way to swim across Edie's moat.
Okay, it's time for the tabloid game. Just in advance of the weather and joining us from the great state of Pennsylvania, we have Jerry on the line.
Good morning, Jerry. It's Friday.
Good morning. What a great show you guys have.
Thank you very much, Jerry.
You like the fish guts?
Pardon?
Did you like the fish guts?
Oh, I love it.
Oh, Jerry, what are you having for breakfast?
Oh, I just have a regular breakfast and cereal and blueberries.
Some of that very popular Captain Carp.
That breakfast is going to taste a lot better when you drink it with coffee out of your Fox coffee mug.
That's right.
Oh, boy.
We'll send that to you along with our photo.
Okay, Jerry, here's the tabloid question out of the National Enquirer.
Why is Joan Lunden marrying a summer camp owner?
Is it A, she's in love, B, she's pregnant, or C, because she can't have Spencer Christian?
C.
What?
C.
B?
C.
No.
C. She can't have Spencer Christian.
No, she can't, but she's not pregnant either. She's in love, she says.
Oh, what a good reason.
I know.
Who is she marrying?
I don't know. Some summer camp owner.
Charlie Gibson.
No, no, no. Mel Gibson.
Hey, Jerry, we're going to send you a mug and we're going to send you a picture.
And if Brian steals any more flatware from Edie's home, we'll send you a lovely set.
Send me Edie?
Send you Edie?
Hey, Jerry, this is not one of those dial-in tie-bride things.
Oh, that's too bad.
The people on TV have to stay on TV.
All right.
They're Filipino brides.
Thanks for the offer.
Whatever.
Hey, Jerry, it looks like you're going to have a pretty nice day.
Temperature is right now in the 70s, nice and clear.
It's going to be a little hot out there in Pennsylvania.
Meanwhile, we're going to have a little rain through the midsection down along the Gulf Coast
and portions of Florida.
A little rain in the northeast, nothing much to report, however.
Take a look at today's highs, 103 later in Dallas.
Meanwhile, 60s and 70s along the coast at the airports in those big towns out there.
Denver today, 85, 84, Mary Richards Place and in New York City, 93.
In Atlanta, where they're turning on the heat.
And the traffic in the nation?
And the traffic?
Around the nation?
It is continuing.
All right, that's your update.
Back over to you, Edith.
Ann?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, good move.
You know, everything was just going straight up until you called me that.
I'll put on your hat and pipe it in.
I'm not telling you the rest of my name, by the way.
Baseball.
Brian?
Okay, as soon as you find the camera, you can get the toss.
Baseball meets the new boss, same as the old boss.
No, Steve, I'm not wearing the hat.
Come on, come on.
It's much funnier.
Yeah, I'm looking for funny.
There's people who just want hardcore sports.
Cue the music, Billy.
Brewer's owner, Bud Selig, was elected as the sports first permanent commissioner since 1992.
He's been interim leader since then.
There isn't much, really, I can tell you that you haven't heard from me over the years.
Forget it, let's show highlights then.
Cubs and Brewers, top two.
Wow, this is slower than I originally thought it would be.
4-3, two outs.
Bud Selig now charging twice as much for his autograph.
Sammy Sosa, home run number 34.
Deucey's like, oh, look at McGuire, look at McGuire.
What about Sosa?
Look at that guy at the exit.
Mr. Big Tough Guy, 12-9.
The Brewers end up winning though.
Seattle and the Angels, Ken Griffey, Jr., the home run Derby King.
He's walking.
Home run number 36.
Just one behind Mark McGuire.
8-6, the Mariners win.
And you'll have to just imagine what the rest of the sports would have been like.
Back to the big desk.
Steve got four maps in, I get two scores.
Fascinating, I'm sure.
But we got all the movies.
29 minutes after the hour.
Next stop, everybody wearing those stupid hats.
And what did I tell you?
Comedian Ray Allen joins us for some interesting talk around the water cooler.
Also, fire in the sky.
We'll show you more on this emergency landing.
Please return your tray tables.
And you know what?
Just because we know you're enjoying the show so much.
Write us.
And if you're not, email us, call us.
Lengthen the sports if you want to write that.
Express at FoxNews.com.
Do we need sports?
I don't think so.
No.
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For the Democrats to take control of the House,
they need to pick up just 11 seats in November.
With scandals brewing in Washington, can they do it?
The head of the DNC, Roy Romer, joins me tonight on The Crier Report.
I'm Bill McCuddy.
And I'm Dana Kennedy.
From the steamy scenes of guiding light to the teenage troubles on Dawson's Creek,
it's actor John Wesley Shipp.
Plus, I'll get up close and personal behind the velvet rope
with singer-songwriter Janet Jackson today at 4.
He's hungry.
He is hungry. He's excited.
We have Captain and Tenille on our program in about an hour.
We couldn't get a musk rat, but we've got a rat and some musk.
And you know, we have to keep the rat now. We own the rat.
Really?
That rat is not coming home with me.
I think technically, a news corporation, the parent company of Fox, would own.
So there's a rat in the Fox house.
Want me to give it to the NFL guys?
Huh?
Want me to give it to the NFL guys?
What are you talking about?
Oh, I don't know.
You know what? That rat could drive around in that bus with John Madd.
There you go. I knew that.
He's afraid of airplanes and rats.
And we've got the musk rat here because we've got Captain and Tenille.
I mentioned that.
And the hat.
That's right.
Oh, yeah.
I was beginning to like it a lot.
There she thought she was still at Legs Diamond from last night.
Also, we've got these beautiful flowers.
I'm just kidding. You gave that job up when you got this one.
Right.
Beautiful flowers from Tony Randall.
He was supposed to be with us yesterday, but he couldn't make it.
But he's going to be with us in a week or so.
And we're real lucky because a great new rising star.
Ten to one odds, by the way, that we spring up the roses.
He doesn't know what we're talking about.
Sure. Absolutely not.
Comedian Ray Ellen is going to be by in just a second.
In fact, he's already here at the big plastic picnic table.
He's going to talk about the days.
Pretend like he's not here until a couple of seconds from now.
News stories.
Don't even look towards him.
I don't see anybody.
In the meantime, let's wake up and smell the roses with E.D.
Okay.
And now they're going to switch the camera, and now she's on TV.
This is professional.
Fire in the sky over San Juan, Puerto Rico yesterday.
Take a look at this.
An American Airlines flight to Miami had an engine catch fire
20 minutes after takeoff, 251 people on board.
It turned back.
They landed safely.
I'm flying there day after tomorrow.
And let's face it, you got that free trip.
I know. We have to stop there.
A domestic flare-up in Tampa, Florida ends with a husband
shooting his wife with a flare gun.
The flare bounced off her shoulder, burned the house down.
What's so funny about that?
You know, you're getting married tomorrow.
Just think about this.
What is so funny about that?
Even though it did in the house,
the wife walked away with nothing more than a burn.
The husband is charged with attempted murder and arson.
They were young and in love, and now they are going to prison.
Amy Grossberger turns 20 today, got two and a half years in prison
for killing her newborn baby in 1996 in Delaware.
The ex-boyfriend, Brian Peterson, got two years.
They were also fined $5,000 each to pay court costs,
but they may just spend about 16, 18 months in jail
because of previous time served.
Could be Monica Lewinsky's chance to turn the tables on Linda Tripp.
Sources say Lewinsky may now tell all to a Maryland grand jury
that's looking into whether Tripp illegally taped their phone conversations.
She may also be a witness if Tripp goes on trial.
That'll teach her.
That's unlikely.
Hard to make those charges stick in Maryland.
An upstate New Yorker admitted stealing his neighbor's credit card.
What?
Nothing.
I was throwing away some paper.
It looked like I was...
Looks like you were doing something else.
I'll tell you what, this rat makes more noise
than Steve Doozy preparing for his weathercast.
You hear how loud this is?
No.
Really?
It's not a rat. It's a must-rat.
Brian Doolittle, he must be speaking to you.
Very successful movie.
Okay. Let me just give you this real quick, because this is interesting.
A New Yorker stole his neighbor's credit card
for $130 worth of Viagra.
Then he went down and used the credit card at a strip club
and charged it to his neighbor.
He's just showing off.
Very interesting.
Right now, it's water cooler time.
You didn't take anything else from my house, did you?
No, I didn't. But I'm telling you, this rat is loud.
But go ahead. Here's Ray.
It's a must-rat.
I know. I got it. I know. And Captain O'Neil are coming.
Joining us this morning, a very funny guy.
You've seen him on Prime Time Live
on Prime TV, comedian and actor Ray Ellen.
Hey, everybody. How are you?
Good. Nice to have you here.
Nice to be here. What were you doing?
I'm sitting in Pretty Boy's seat, aren't I?
Where is Pretty Boy today?
Vacation.
He is down in Florida.
Louis is gone? He's off being pretty somewhere.
This is Pretty Boy's seat. Over there is Sock Boy.
Do you know the whole sock thing?
Ray's been watching. He's studying.
You're like a dude with leg warmers on.
I'm wearing the white.
You have to wear socks next to their skin?
I don't get it. It's Pretty Boy, Sock Boy.
I gave up the whole jean look months ago.
This is Hot Girl over here.
You could be Smart Girl, but Hot Girl sounds better.
Smart women are a dime a dozen.
Juicy-ducy.
Thanks for noticing.
Juicy Steve-ducy.
It sounds good. Juicy-ducy.
It does. Speaking of Viagra,
this really has changed people's lives, hasn't it?
Yes, it has.
That guy is unbelievable.
Stealing the credit card?
It's the same guy who was leaning up against the washing machines.
I'm pretty sure that was him.
$130 worth of Viagra.
Correct me on this, Brian. I think I have it right.
$130, that's about 13 times.
It's $10 a pill.
Pills.
That's how much I pay.
13 times he mailed his neighbor's wife with his neighbor's credit card.
I can't correct you. You're right on the money.
I think he over-extended his credit by as far as his pants.
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
I think he over-extended his credit by as far as his pants.
Speaking of over-extended pants,
let's talk about our nation's capital.
Yes.
Clint is back. He's back in town.
He's back from his Asian booty tour.
He was discussing trade over there.
Is that what he was doing?
That was the cover story.
That was the cover story.
His version of trade.
You need some fine American women over here.
I will trade you one of our American beauties
for five of your delicious Asian treats.
I will give you Linda Tripp.
That is a fair trade in weight.
That is.
One Linda Tripp against five of your
ripe, precious little Asian joys.
I like that.
She came with all that electronic recording equipment.
That's a good deal.
Batteries included.
We are going to talk with Ray in just a moment
about the big story from yesterday.
Tawny Peaks, a stoner and exotic dancer.
He's a great dancer.
He's a great dancer.
Tawny Peaks, a stoner and exotic dancer
who pummeled a man with her
you know what.
Good friend of the president.
Plus your phone call is coming up in just a minute
and some weather and very short sports.
We'll be right back.
By the way, Ray
he's going to be at the Comic Strip Club
New York City Saturday
July 18th, 1030
for tickets. Dial up that number.
Do they do rat dances there too?
Rat dances? That's extra.
We'll be right back.
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She has entertained us for years.
Now Academy Award winning actress
Olympia Dukakis has a heart to heart
with Judith. Plus, downtown
Julie Brown reveals how it feels to be
a Playboy Bunny. How long have you got?
Saturday on This Evening with Judith Regan.
Factor this, there are real
investigations going on into X-File
type of stuff. We'll talk to a man who does
the investigating. And Susan McDougall, is she
a martyr or a con woman?
On the next O'Reilly Factor.
Okay.
Welcome back.
It's per near 19 minutes.
18 minutes before the hour.
If you got somewhere to go you got 18 minutes
if you need to be there at the top of the hour.
Very good point. Really related to the masses.
Comedian Ray Ellen is with us once again.
Ray makes his home in Boston
but he travels throughout the country.
I live in New York actually.
Grew up in Boston.
I have really screwed up the
whole family tree there.
There it goes. It's all across that.
You know we were talking
before we went to the break
about the president and
those allegations.
Well he doesn't, you know
it doesn't bother me that he screws around.
Between him and his wife it's okay.
What upsets me is his taste
in women. He just doesn't care.
Kennedy had taste.
Marilyn Monroe, his wife was gorgeous.
This guy Clint, he's like cruising Jersey Taco Bells.
He doesn't care.
I'll have a chicken burrito and
give me that chick with the big hair.
I like that.
Let's head to the border.
Speaking of taste in women
our camera guy, Bill is getting married tomorrow.
Hey Bill, alright.
You're a fool. What are you thinking?
He's really thrilled.
You know what?
And what's really going to thrill him is
his fiance is on the phone right now.
Allison are you there?
Hey Allison, congratulations.
You know Brian mentioned a moment ago
that Bill's losing his hair.
Brian mentioned, Edie mentioned.
I mentioned how sexy your
husband-to-be is, that's all I said.
Allison, how long
have you been going out with this guy for?
Eight years.
And he finally, who had to propose?
He proposed.
He did? Yes he did.
Very romantic way.
He took us back to our first date
and proposed right by the water.
It was very beautiful.
Bill, do you remember where your first date was?
We're going to have to get the inside information
on that after time out. Also, Ray with the weather.
I knew this would happen.
There's only one package left.
An innocent housewife trapped,
she tried to keep the Pillsbury
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The warm flaky crust, the real cream cheese,
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Welcome back.
I'm Bill McCuddy and here's a look at this morning's
Talks Real. Actors Uma Thurman
and husband actor Ethan Hawke are
now proud parents. New York Post
says daughter Maya
Ray Thurman
Hawke, after Ray was born Wednesday
in New York. He'll have the counter-reaction
at the moment. It could be the best
joint production from the movie star duo
since Gattaca. Let's hope
it's better than that. Maya weighed in at
7 pounds, 11 ounces.
7-11. Hey,
Janet Jackson says success.
Janet Jackson says success hasn't
stopped her from getting depressed.
She says life's pretty lonely
at the top, but she's getting over it.
Janet says her new album, The Velvet Rope,
has the song I Get Lonely
and that really helped her face depression
head on. By the way, she joins us today
in Fox on Entertainment. She says she's feeling
much better and Janet kicked off her new
concert tour last night in Washington.
She's gonna be here? Yeah. Wow.
Have you met her before? Well, I met her
the other day when I recorded the interview. That's fine.
You've got Tito and he's given us
a meatloaf recipe later.
They're all as nasty as they want to be.
It was a battle of the Titans
and movie director Francis Ford Coppola
came out on top. Yep.
The director of Godfather Apocalypse now
won $60 million in punitive
damages against Warner Brothers. That's
on top of $20 million in compensatory
damages he won last week.
All of this because Warner Brothers
tried to prevent Coppola from creating a live-action
movie of Pinocchio.
That's right. He got paid not to make the movie.
And as we told you
earlier this week, the producers are...
I want to get it on that. Yeah, that's a good deal.
It's like farmers who get paid not to grow corn.
I should get paid not to do the sports. You should.
You do every...
We were all
running to that punch line, weren't we, Ray?
Let's leave it to the professionals. He joins us in a moment.
Earlier this week, we said the producers
of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof wanted Madonna
to star as Maggie the Cat. She thought
it was Cat in the Hat on a Hot Tin Roof. No, anyway, Madonna
has just scratched that. Sorry, she's
passed on the part. And that is a look
at the Celebrity Fox Reel for today.
Back to you guys. You can't do that. We can't
do that. That's why you have a pro in here in front.
That's right. Speaking of pros doing
their parts, you're not going to do
the weather? No, Ray's going to be
doing some forecasting
kind of in a moment. But first, we
still have Bill's fiancé.
Not your fiancé because your little
woman's at home. But Bill, over
there on camera four, is getting married
tomorrow. And his lovely
intended Allison is on the line
with us right now.
Allison, you were talking about how
we proposed. Oh, okay.
He took us back
to the first place where we dated.
And we were
walking around. I really didn't want to go. I had
too much to do, too many things that I had to do
for school because I'm a teacher. Bill's loving this.
I know. He loves this story. Oh, you're a
teacher? I am. I am a music teacher.
We've all had that fantasy.
Yeah, his favorite
song is Hot for Teacher.
So he took me back there.
And he got down on his knee.
And before I knew it, he was proposing.
And then I cried for a half hour and said
yes. Oh.
Hey, Bill, can we see just a little recreation?
Do you mind? Yeah, show us how you did it.
Like an America's Most Wanted thing, how you went down on the one knee?
No, don't do that
to him. Come on. He's got to
So, Allison,
what's Bill going to call your folks?
I got an idea. Oh, I have no idea.
I don't know if you need to know about it. Hey, Bill!
Is he down?
No.
Alright, never mind.
Later in the next hour, the Captain and
Tenille reenact Allison and Bill.
Be here. That was a quarter, too.
Hey, Allison, good luck tomorrow.
Thank you very much. Have a wonderful day.
We're pulling for you.
You can blow her a kiss. It's okay.
Bye. See you next.
Bye-bye. She'll have words
with you later.
This was your bachelor party, basically.
That's not sad.
Alright. If I were the rat,
I'd be scared.
Okay, it's time for the birthday game.
I don't know what that means.
Joining us from Oklahoma,
Terry is with us. Good morning, Terry.
Good morning. How are you?
Fine. Good, good, good. Are you
good at celebrities? Sure.
Okay, let's try you out on
Christie Brinkley's father,
David Brinkley, former newscaster.
They're celebrating his special birthday,
the Archer Daniels Midland Company,
sitting in a huge soybean cake.
He's not
Christie's daddy. Okay, fine.
There you go, correcting us.
Billy Joel's former father-in-law. No, he's not.
How old is Dave?
I would say
78.
You were exactly right, Terry. Very good.
That's fantastic. Alright, let's try.
Who's that? Who's that Christie later in life?
I called because I have something
to say to you. Okay. I love the show.
I love all of you.
I quote you daily to my friends
and relatives. Okay. But you've
got to stop calling the
hats, hats. They are
cats. I looked it up.
Oh, you did?
Even these Captain and Tenille
things, they are also cats.
Why? Not cats.
What's the definition? If they have a single
brim. Oh, you're right.
I know I am.
If they're brimless or they only have
a front visor, they're cats.
Or if they're worn
to a mark of occupation
or rank, they are cats. Wow.
How do you define helmet? What do you do for a living?
Mrs. Stetson.
No, but I'm smart.
Yes, I would say so.
We have the smartest viewers
of any show. Much
smarter than the entertainment show. Ouch.
No kidding. Terry, our caps are off to
you. And we're going to send you one.
I'm so glad. Okay. We're sending you
a cap. A cap. That's right.
They are not hats. White or blue? We will
never make that mistake again. I'm white.
We'll send you the white one. Okay. Okay, next
up, you're still playing the
birthday game, Miss Smartypants.
Up next, Folk Singer.
Put your thinking cap on. That's right.
Arlo Guthrie.
Folk Singer. That's right.
Was he not from Oklahoma also?
I believe he was. I believe so.
I'm going to say
52. You are really
close. He's 51.
She is smart. She is?
I am. Oh, look. He's wearing
a hat. Yes, he
is. Okay. He's wearing a hat. And
finally, a man who never wore a hat
was Barney Miller, but Ron
Glass, who was on his program,
and as a fine
assistant. What was he?
Was he on Slippery and Son? He was on
Barney Miller.
He was in the Odd Couple
remake, too. Yeah, he well toured with it.
How old do you think Ron Glass is today?
54. Really close.
Just one off. 53.
Well, she can hardly do much
better than that. You just can't.
Hey, Terry. Very confident.
Yes, indeed. Thank you very much for
joining us and bringing up the grade point
level here in our program. Yay.
You're welcome. Thank you.
Our cap's off to you. Certainly.
And now, Ray Allen
is going to make his world
weathercasting debut. Now, roll the
tapes. It's the first time he's ever done it, so
if you're in doubt, just remember the
big numbers and the green stuff.
That's accurate. As for what Ray
does in front of it, well, we'll just have to see. Ray, over to you.
Hey, thanks, Steve. This is very
exciting to be in front of a big, big map.
A big map.
This could be the, I think
it's the President's scoreboard.
The President nailed
76 women over in Los Angeles area.
You can see a lot of activity
in the Northeast over here.
Oh, wow.
A big dose of Southern hospitality
down there in Dallas, given the President
is exactly what he needed.
Wow, this is wild. So basically, if you want to know what
the weather is, just look at near where you live
and just figure it out.
Dad, you're up there.
In space? In space.
My father's on Jupiter.
And, by the way, these hats are
very cool. Terry from Oklahoma, you're going to be very pleased
when you get one of these.
She wants a white one. She wants a white one?
Oh.
There you go. There you go, Terry.
We have another map. Hey, Ray Allen,
thank you very much for joining us today. Once again, tonight
you're going to be at? Comic strip in
Manhattan. And then tomorrow as well?
Yeah, comic strip in Manhattan. Just the weather the whole
time? I'm just going to do weather.
No jokes, just weather. The kids love the weather.
And wear hats. That's all we do at the comic strip.
Very nice. Thank you.
Thanks for having me, everybody. Okay. Great.
Ray Allen, the comedy styling.
So,
from smart viewers to
You can give it to Steve, Ray.
to sports. Yes.
Ray, concerned about the hat distribution.
What do we say?
I'm watching them all walk out. Don King,
how does this guy do it?
He needs a hat. How in the world
does he get off? I don't know.
Excuse me? Here are the headlines. Every single case
against him. How does he do it?
He's off. He's off again. Boxing promoter
Don King, as Edie alluded to beautifully,
not guilty of fraud for the second
time in the same case. Prosecutors
say they won't try to convict
him again. This was the greatest
jury that I, listen, I have so many,
but this was one of the
magnificent jury.
They were very, very
aware,
a droid.
And that's the nicest thing you can say about a jury.
They're a droid. And when you have so many
juries to choose from, it's always
a great, great thing. If you guys
want to speak up, I'll quiet down.
So what happens with Mike Tyson? Yesterday was the first day
he could call into the Nevada Athletic Commission
for reinstatement. Let's take a look.
He never called.
And that's what's going on with Mike Tyson.
Elsewhere, baseball returned to work after the All-Star
break, and the time off did the players some good,
because they played some quality baseball.
And let's see it there. There you see
a great play by Billy the Marlin
into the stands. He was immediately traded
for two little leaguers by the Marlins.
Bit of a shock, because it was a nice catch,
but there's always a downside. Later on,
the Atlanta Braves would pace, yes,
the Florida Marlins.
No one goes. They traded everyone away.
Jim Leela's alone in the dugout. Did they trade the fans?
I think so. And by the way,
Seattle beat the Mariners.
Seattle beat the Mariners. I gotta watch this.
Here's Phil Nevin. He gets thrown out
for throwing his bat. Watch how many
items he throws off. That's two. He threw off a glove
and a hat. Later on,
he'll throw off his shirt.
Four items tossed, including the Battle Bee.
Five items tossed. He leaves with
just a t-shirt on, and
he kicks out some equipment. So if you
are angry, it's always good to entertain the manager.
If season's not going well, don't be afraid
to strip. I think that's what we all do.
Back to the big desk. Oh, thanks very much.
We've got a
great show coming up in the next hour. Captain
and Tenille, more strange
stuff. Of course, we've got a Musk
and Rat. And Musk and Rat. Just for them.
Plus,
a whole lot more of your phone calls as well.
Stay with us. You're watching
Fox News Channel, your channel of news
and Musk and Rats.
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