Some things in life you just can't handle on your own.
So who do you turn to?
Friend?
Priest?
Mommy?
Jerry Springer?
No, what you really need is a comedian.
You told us your problems.
Now we're here to help.
Longing to be a stuffed animal?
We'll make it happen.
Worried about your bachelor party?
We'll keep you in line.
We may not be able to save the world.
But if we can help you through just one of life's little problems...
Then we know we're making a difference.
Watch Comics and Delivery, premiering Monday, January 20th at 10.
Not really, heroes.
We just played them on TV.
Dream On gives you more bang for your cable-watching buck.
It's got sass...
What?
Claps...
No, right on!
Right, so she makes the porno movies.
What?
Cops...
Someone's been sleeping in my bed.
If she's been sitting in your chair and eating your porridge,
I think we've got a description.
Robbers...
I'll burn something to it, eh?
I'm not gonna feed you.
And a steady stream of enormously, uh, affectionate women.
For all this and more, catch Dream On,
Monday through Thursday night at 10.30 here at Comedy Central.
Excuse me.
You look like a guy who likes fighting and role-playing games.
Huh?
I'm talking toeball number one, my friend,
with a demo of the groundbreaking and greatly anticipated
Final Fantasy VII built right in.
Sound good?
Now get your hands off my truck.
We're asking travelers to ring in the new year by calling 1-800-THE-ROOF
to compare Red Roof Inn's rates.
1-800...
The Roof.
T-H-E.
They're about $6 less a night than what I usually spend.
About $10.
Is that expensive bed any more comfortable than this?
No.
Of course not.
Ten bucks a night, and you're on the road how many days out of the year, maybe?
250 million.
Want a room just as nice as other hotels,
but for a lot less, then call 1-800-THE-ROOF.
Should I wake you in about 20 minutes?
That'd be great.
You got it.
Surprise!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I feel my temperature rising
Higher, higher
Just mix Velveeta and chili together.
It's delicious.
It's hunker hunker milk and love
Hunker hunker milk and love
Yeah, yeah
Hunker hunker
Think big.
Think nutty.
Ah!
Think Eddie.
Got you!
Think Pay-Per-View.
Yes!
Think Jamaica?
Order the hit comedy, The Nutty Professor, on Pay-Per-View,
and learn how you can enter The Nutty Professor Go Coconutty Sweepstakes
for a chance to win a grand prize trip for two to the magnificent Coconuts Resort.
Jamaica's secluded secret.
Plus, you can win great second prizes.
So go coconutty with a really big comedy
and a chance to win big, only on Pay-Per-View.
You know, it is possible to bend your New Year's resolution without actually breaking it.
Milky Way Light, but you can't tell it's a light.
Attention, Tick fans.
Because we can, Comedy Central is now running The Tick five nights a week.
That's five times the cool special effects, five times the oddball supervillains,
and five times the battle cry of flatware.
Hold!
Immerse yourself in The Tick.
Weeknights at six at midnight.
What the hell?
Hello, I'm John Cleese, star of stage screen and countless exercise videos.
Starting the 24th, you can see me in my new Universal Pictures film,
Fierce Creatures, with a little grrr.
So find out more when I host 40 Tires here at Comedy Central.
Don't miss John Cleese, Saturday at noon.
Some things are light you just can't handle on your own.
So who do you turn to?
Friend.
Priest.
Mommy.
Jerry Springer.
No, what you really need is a comedian.
You told us your problems.
Now we're here to help.
Longing to be a stuffed animal?
We'll make it happen.
Worried about your bachelor party?
We'll keep the end line.
We may not be able to save the world,
but if we can help you through just one of life's little problems,
then we know we're making a difference.
Watch Comics and Delivery, premiering Monday, January 20th at 10.
They're not really heroes.
We just played them on TV.
It's lunchtime, and what are we having with our burger today?
Wow, you get a big 28 grams of fat with this one.
And this one serves up an amazing 39 grams.
Hey, tell it like it is.
A great sandwich doesn't have to have all that fat.
At Subway, seven of our six-inch subs have six grams of fat or less.
It tastes fresh and delicious.
Take the Subway Challenge and take one bite.
If you don't think our subs are great, you get your money back.
Take the Subway Challenge in a Subway near you.
There is no Lesson 4.
Well, yeah.
The Pest, rated PG-13, opens everywhere February 7th.
What's more amazing than the places you can go on the Internet?
The fact that you don't need a computer to get there.
Web TV from Phillips Magnavox.
The Internet now on your television at an affordable price.
Repeat after me.
It's a whole new Hyundai.
Are you with me now?
Okay, pop quiz.
The brand-new 97 sedan that's roomier than Camry is achingly beautiful
and has a warranty that would be your basic mother-of-all-reliability statement?
Yes, that would be the Hyundai Sonata.
And right now, you can get $1,000 cash back.
So there's just one more thing.
It's called a test drive.
So get in the car now.
Ooh, just for the feel of it, the pure appeal of it.
Yeah, yeah, this is the place for it.
Ooh, this is the best of it.
Everyone is singing to the sound of Diet Coke.
Just look under every cap of specially marked packages
for a chance to win free CDs and trips to the Grammys.
One more time.
Just for the feel of it.
Yeah, this is Saffron Monsuit.
And French Fondue.
Watch an encore presentation of the Ab Fab movie for Last Shout Wednesday at 8.
Something to like you just can't handle on your own.
So who do you turn to?
Friend, priest, mommy.
Jerry Springer.
No, what you really need is a comedian.
You told us your problems.
Now we're here to help.
Longing to be a stuffed animal?
We'll make it happen.
Worried about your bachelor party?
We'll keep you in line.
We may not be able to save the world.
But if we can help you through just one of life's little problems...
Then we know we're making a difference.
Watch Comics and Delivery, premiering Monday, January 20th at 10.
They're not really heroes.
We just play them on TV.
Dream On gives you more bang for your cable-watching buck.
It's got sass...
What?
Claps...
All right, all right, pussy, make some porno movies.
Cops...
Someone's been sleeping in my bed.
If she's been sitting in your chair and eating your porridge,
I think we've got a description.
Robbers...
How about something to eat, eh?
I'm not gonna feed you.
And a steady stream of enormously, uh, affectionate women.
For all this and more, catch Dream On,
Monday through Thursday night at 10.30 here at Comedy Central.
You okay?
I'm fine. Where are you?
I'm in New York.
Who am I?
Hey, Comets.
And who are you?
I'm Batman.
Sit down.
Not going anywhere for a while?
Grab a Snickers.
To the Batcave.
He's a maniac, maniac, that's for sure
Yep, old El Paso.
And he's cooking like he's never cooked before
New One Skillet Mexican.
He's a maniac, maniac, that's for sure
Your ground beef, our tortillas, sauce mix and rice.
Three steps, 20 minutes and...
Oh, yeah.
And he's cooking like he's never cooked before
Old El Paso, where One Skillet makes Mexican.
Introducing improved Hill Science Diet.
The only pet food with advanced RDA system nutrition.
So your dog will come alive with health.
It gives dogs an improved balance of vitamins and minerals.
For a healthy difference you can see.
Guaranteed.
In fact, science diet is the number one choice of veterinarians for their own pets.
So feed your dog new science diet from Hills.
For a healthy difference you can see.
Guaranteed.
Have you tried the Colgate Deep Clean?
Something most teeth have never felt.
Something you can feel with Colgate Baking Soda and Peroxide with Tartar Control.
Tingling deep and tiny crevices between teeth and along the gum line.
You and your dentist will agree.
This Colgate Deep Clean is truly monumental.
Colgate Baking Soda and Peroxide.
Feel the deep clean.
Is your dander sending the wrong signals?
You're out!
Get Celcin Power.
Doctors recommend Celcin Blue Number One.
So don't send the wrong signals.
Get Celcin Power.
For hard-hitting coverage you can count on, turn to Comedy Central's Daily Show.
Our team of investigative reporters uncovers the top of stories.
We are at the potato sack race.
And asks the hard questions.
So you think President Clinton is cool?
Yes.
For the latest in news, interviews and entertainment headlines.
I've spent half my career without any trousers on.
And our brand new live audience.
Watch the Daily Show.
Monday through Thursday nights at 7 and 11 only at Comedy Central.
When news breaks.
We fix it.
It's hip from them.
Anywho.
He's got the laugh.
Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
The attitude.
I'm a loner, Tommy.
A rebel.
And the platform shoes.
Pee-wee Herman.
Morning, Mr. Blackpant!
Good morning, Pee-wee!
Man down!
Arrrr!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ahh!
Now all he needs is another sight gag.
What?
Watch Pee-wee's Big Adventure.
Tomorrow at 8 here at Comedy Central.
You're born.
Things are good.
You're in college.
Things get harder.
You need help.
Relax.
The Standard Deviance Video Course Review Series is here to help you study and improve your grades.
Get one.
Get 10.
Things get easier.
You'll get all the info.
You'll hear it in a language you can understand.
And you won't fall asleep.
Your grades go up.
On my second term I got a high B.
And I think it's because this tape really showed me what it was I wasn't getting.
Comedy definitely helps you remember things.
It helps you focus more.
It keeps you interested, especially in a subject that is not very exciting.
In 10 minutes it covers what it would take me a couple hours to cover.
Everybody's happy.
The Standard Deviance.
Take the hard stuff and translate it into real language that you can understand.
Exams are right around the corner.
Order now.
Just $19.95.
And you'll even get a squishy brain.
Call toll free, 1-888-557-7755.
Knowledge is good.
Passing is better.
Hi Chuck.
How's business?
Okay.
Hey, what's on your screen?
QuickBooks accounting software from the makers of Quicken.
Yeah, I really don't have time to learn new software.
If you can write a check you can use QuickBooks.
Answer a few questions and it tailors itself to your business.
Create invoices like these.
It has accounts payable, accounts receivable, payroll and inventory.
And over 60 customizable reports that put you in control.
I'm going to try it.
Nothing to lose.
Call 1-800-447-8000.
Attention Tick fans.
Because we can, Comedy Central is now running The Tick five nights a week.
That's five times the cool special effects, five times the oddball super villains,
and five times the battle cry of flatware.
Boom!
Immerse yourself in The Tick.
Weeknights at six and midnights.
What the hell?
If you like to laugh, there's only one place to go on the web, ComedyCentral.com.
With our games, contests and the most original comedy online,
our site was voted one of the funniest on the web.
So check us out.
We're always open at ComedyCentral.com.
Hello, I'm John Cleese, star of stage screen and countless exercise videos.
Starting the 24th, you can see me in my new Universal Pictures film,
Fierce Creatures, with a little grrr.
So find out more when I host 40 Tires here at Comedy Central.
Don't miss John Cleese, Saturday at noon.