from New York I'll have two with Kraut it's the late Joe with David Letterman
tonight Matthew Broderick, New York Yankees perfect game pitcher David Wells
and Natalie Merchant
was Paul Schaeffer and the CBS Orchestra and now master carpenter David Letterman
I
Thank You!
Thank You very much little
That's it.
Ah!
Ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate the ovation.
Let me remind you of one thing.
You are wasting valuable network time.
No, no, it's CBS.
It ain't that valuable.
Seriously, I'm telling you, sports history yesterday.
Congratulations, David Wells, yesterday.
Thank you, sir.
You're in the Yankee Stadium pitching a perfect game.
Think about it.
Not just a no-hitter.
It's not just your run-of-the-mill no-no.
No, folks, this is your perfect game.
27 batters up, 27 batters down.
I'm telling you, David Wells, yesterday at the Yankee Stadium, he went through Minnesota
Twins the way Clinton goes through interns.
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
A perfect game at Yankee Stadium.
Now, usually, as you know, a perfect game at Yankee Stadium is when nobody gets hit
with a chunk of fallen concrete.
That's a perfect game.
After the game, Wells was pretty excited, as you can understand.
He celebrated by retiring 27 Heineken's in a row.
So that's pretty good.
Bang!
Hey, boys.
Okay, if you think about it, we've been in New York City a long time.
How long have you been in town, Paul?
20 years.
20 years.
Exactly.
And in that time, the Yankees have really turned it around.
I can remember, you know, think about this.
I can remember a time not so very long ago, you know, they pitched a perfect game.
I can remember not so long ago when the goal for the Yankees was to roll a perfect joint.
So that's amazing.
I'm not even sure what that means.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you something.
We're all very excited.
We're all very proud because last night right here on CBS, it was a 60-minute retrospective.
How many of you last night enjoyed the 60-minute retrospective?
That's the problem.
Yeah, it's quite a show.
At the end of the show, then there was Ed and there was Morley and there was Mike and
Diane.
They all went to jail, but that's a whole different deal.
These guys, seriously, these guys, these 60-minute boys have been around a long, long time.
And in that time, you know, their stock and trade is busting things wide open and making
news wherever they go.
The 60-minute guys, and I can remember Mike Wallace.
Paul, remember this years and years ago when Mike Wallace single-handedly blew the lid
off that whole earth being flat there.
Do you remember that?
They've been around a long time.
Also, earlier tonight, right here on CBS, the final episode of Murphy Brown.
They've been on a long, long time.
Congratulations.
Other things on the show tonight, they finally explained whatever happened to that baby Murphy
Brown had six years ago.
Had the baby and never see the baby anymore.
They're expecting huge ratings for the final episode of Murphy Brown.
I think, you know, a lot of you folks will go home and watch it tonight, right?
You folks own a set, right?
Yeah, you know, that's a, CBS, they'll get huge ratings for the final episode of Murphy
Brown.
That ain't the problem.
It shows on the air that nobody watches.
When they go off, everybody watches then.
When they go off, nobody watches then.
Over the weekend, President Clinton came back from Europe.
He was over there attending the Group of Eight Economic Summit.
Congratulations.
Good for him, because I think until now, he was, the best he had done was a group of three.
Oh!
I think.
Hey, are we going to Frank Sinatra music tonight, in honor of Frank Sinatra?
Sure, absolutely.
Well, are we or not?
Absolutely.
What's the matter with your voice?
I lost it for a while.
Has it gone, really?
No, it's back.
It's back.
It was just going there for a minute.
For a second.
On the show this evening, ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Broderick, a fine actor, a lovely
man.
From your New York Yankees, perfect pitching David Wells on the show this evening, and
Natalie Marshall.
Here's Paul Schaefer, he's right over there.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen, and your CBS News.
Paul.
Do me a favor, tell the people what you did over the weekend.
I didn't know this until earlier today.
I don't know how it got out.
I can't do anything anymore.
What did you do?
I went to the, I was in the Cannes Film Festival for a second.
Over the weekend.
We had a gig with the Blues Brothers, because they screened the Blues Brothers 2000 film
over there.
So you flew there, left after the show on Thursday night.
And got there in time to rehearse, do the gig, come right back.
Did you have a lot of fun?
It was a gas, it went by a little quick.
I really, but in France they love me, you know.
Here I'm nothing, but they have all my pictures over there.
Did you take the family with you?
No, they wouldn't come.
You're kidding, they would know better than to come for such a short period of time.
I said, they're, you know, working, came back.
So you must have been.
I had a nutty weekend, but that's what I'm, you know, I'm, I'm throwing a little tired.
Yeah.
Well, good for you.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
I had a interesting experience over the weekend.
I do my own marketing.
How many of you do your own marketing?
Like supermarket, grocery, food items.
When was the last time you folks had a meal?
And it was interesting because I was in the produce department, you know, where you have
your celery and your cabbage and your lettuce and your tomatoes.
And I saw a little scenario, a little vignette, a little slice of life that you only see when
you're in the produce department.
Here comes the guy, the produce manager comes out of the back, you know, he comes out and
this is like five 30 in the afternoon.
So they've had a long full day of people on Saturday marketing.
That's that's when you do your marketing, right?
grocery shopping.
So you have the produce department manager, he comes out and you can tell just by looking
at this guy, his carriage, his countenance, you can tell this guy means business.
He's the manager.
Then you have Bob, the high school part-time weekend employee newt who works in the produce
department.
I'm just walking through mine in my own business.
The manager comes out and he says this to Bob the newt.
Get up says this.
I witnessed this firsthand and I wouldn't bring it here to the theater if I it wasn't
true.
This is a true story.
Paul was in France.
I was doing my marketing.
Probably need a little more room for this.
All right.
Okay, right here.
All right.
Now I am now the produce marketing manager.
This is what he says to Bob, the high school newt.
Bob, did you rotate the corn?
Heard that.
Yeah.
You were in the south of France?
I did my marketing.
So there you have it.
Yeah, there you have it.
A couple of months ago we started a new game on the show and it's called Please Stop Calling
Me Chief and it's Paul's favorite segment.
I love this.
I love his work.
We've done it like three or four times and nobody, Paul and I seem to be the only people
who really enjoy it.
And I think what it is is people don't understand the game.
We've looked at the tapes over and over and over again and people don't seem to understand
the game.
I thought it was self-contained, self-explanatory.
I thought the name said it all.
Please Stop Calling Me Chief.
That's the name of the game.
We go into the pizza store next to the Ed Sullivan Theater here, the Joe G's Pizza Place,
and we find a guy, a man, woman, doesn't make any difference and we ask them, would you
like to play?
And they say yes.
We put up a clock, like one minute, and then I start talking to them and I keep referring
to them as often as I can as chief.
Yeah, you call them chief.
Yeah, I call them chief.
Over and over.
Over and over and over again.
They have one minute to in any way, in the broadest, most general, casual way, indicate
to me to stop calling them chief.
They don't have to say that phrase literally.
They don't have to say it verbatim.
In any way.
Just convey the idea.
You know, shaking a fist, giving me the finger, anything.
And you win.
You win the game.
Now we have not had, no, we had a winner the first night out.
Yes, we sure did.
But people sit here and like they don't get the game.
So tonight, this will be the last time we ever try it and with this additional explanation,
and if it works tonight, we'll continue to play, please stop calling me chief.
If it doesn't, if it doesn't work tonight, then we'll go on to play.
All right, I know it's going to work.
Did you rotate the corn?
That's what we'll play.
Bob?
Bob, did you rotate the corn?
You know, and these guys always grabbing at his pants, you know.
Bob!
Like he knows, you know, he's got Bob's number.
He knows Bob didn't rotate the corn.
He knows Bob's ass is grass.
You never ask a question, you don't know the answer to.
He knows already.
He's got Bob right where he wants him.
Well, does it look like it was rotated?
No, Bob, it doesn't.
All right, so here we go.
Turn on the external camera.
We're going into Josie's man.
I'm telling you what a day.
It's a heartbreaking day in it.
It's so beautiful.
It's about 83 degrees today in New York City, not a cloud in the sky.
Let's take a look at Central Park.
Just swing that boy right around up there.
There.
OK, forget it.
I thought maybe we'd see something.
But just imagine a big, beautiful park up there with people having a nice day.
Let's go right in to the pizza place.
This guy right here on the left, right there.
Hi.
Hi.
How do you do?
How you doing?
My name's Dave Letterman.
What's your name, sir?
Tony Grady.
Tony, in town, visiting?
You got a job?
Yeah, we're here on vacation.
Ah, good, good, good.
Do you have a second?
Do you have like a minute, Tony?
Sure.
Would you do me a favor?
Yes, I will.
OK, great.
Put up the time clock.
Here we go.
Start the clock.
You having a nice summer, Chief?
Yes.
Yeah?
How long you been in town, Chief?
Two days.
Yeah?
Who are the women you're with there, Chief?
My entourage.
Oh, introduce us around if you don't mind, Chief.
Who's the woman there on your right, Chief?
What's her name, Chief?
This is my girlfriend, Candy.
Candy?
Nice to see you.
How long you and Chief been going out?
Candy.
We've been together a year.
Oh, that's nice.
And you think one day you and the Chief will get married?
Yeah, I, uh, yeah.
I gotta hand it to you, Chief.
You sure know how to pick them.
You know what I'm saying, Chief?
Chief, let me ask you a question.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a truck driver.
Oh, man.
Are you like a long-haul truck driver, Chief?
No, I work in Chicago.
I drive a dual truck.
Oh, drive a dual truck.
Is that fun?
You're out, you're kind of a cowboy, last of the cowboys, right?
You make your own hours, you do your own delivery.
You're really on your own, aren't you, Chief?
No, they pretty much tell us what to do.
Yeah, all they do?
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Chief.
Well, listen, Chief, thank you so much for your time.
Nice having you.
All right.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice time while you're in town, okay?
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Nice to see you.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Have a nice time while you're in town, okay?
Thanks, Chief.
All right.
Thank you.
All right.
See, we would have accepted that.
I know.
Had it been on the shot clock, we would have accepted it.
We would have taken that and you'd have had a winner right there.
We'd have had the guy in there with his lovely girlfriend.
What was her name?
Yeah.
Who'd have turned the damn show into a whoop-de-doo?
Whatever.
Was that enough to do it again?
Justified doing it one more time.
Oh, yeah.
We'll do it again.
Oh, sure.
We'll do it again.
Yeah, we'll do it again.
All right.
We've got to do a commercial.
We'll be right back.
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This is your tongue.
These little things?
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And in the biggest news ever in chicken history, the Colonel and the chicken experts at KFC
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They're enough to make a chicken.
Hey.
Chicken.
Bye bye.
Isn't it time for some really good chicken sandwiches?
The noise and commotion of the election is almost over.
I want to thank you for all your strong support for term limits on Congress.
And I want to personally thank Perry Atkinson and the others for signing the term limits
declaration.
Greg Walden has not signed the term limits pledge.
Please keep after him to sign.
And if you see Perry Atkinson, thank him for supporting the families of Oregon by signing
the term limits pledge.
He has committed to be a true citizen legislator.
That's the only way to limit Congress.
Fat bottom girls make the rocking world go round.
I'm a joker.
I'm a smoker.
Look at me, I'm in tatters.
I'm a midnight toker.
With a rebel yell, she cried, more, more, more.
She was the best damn woman that I've ever seen.
You that smell, can't you smell that smell?
For two decades, Yakima's home of rock and roll, 94.5, cats.
And don't get me started.
We still have the external camera out there on 53rd Street.
Is that still hooked in, plugged up?
Let's take a look at it.
Turn on that shot out there on 53rd Street.
Let me, I want to show you something.
You see that?
Wow, they must have put it on a tripod.
Man, did they ever mount that camera on a tripod.
You see, I just wanted to show you what I look at every day out my window.
And this thing is, I mean, it's hard to tell here, but look at it, one, two, three, four.
That sign is at least five stories high.
And it looks, I look right out of my window and I'm just, you know, I'll be honest with
you.
I love the Friends program as much as the next guy, you know.
But Matthew Perry, I mean, the size, look at this guy.
You're looking, there he is.
He's watching me eat my lunch.
He's watching me, everything I'm doing.
And I'm just thinking, well, okay, I guess, you know, they can do anything they want.
Put up the damn billboard.
We'll see if I care.
You know, just kidding around, I think it's great you get your face in the billboard.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I mean, I was watching the show at home and I was hearing you, you know, complain about
the-
You were watching the show at home?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Where do you live?
L.A.
And anyway, I just, I don't know if you, I mean, how would you know this?
But every morning I wake up and I think, what can I do for Dave today?
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that's very nice of you.
That's darn nice of you.
I appreciate that.
Not many people feel that way.
But before I go to sleep, I think to myself, what did I do for Dave today?
Really?
So it's the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind at
night.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Yeah.
And I hear that you have a little problem with the billboard.
I don't have a problem, it's just, it's right there and there you are and you're a handsome
man.
It's not really so much you, it's the others, really, you know?
Well, I'm going to fix the problem for you.
No.
Yeah.
I'm going to go outside and, you know, handle it for you because it seems to bother you
and I like it.
That'd be great.
I'd appreciate it.
I would owe you everything.
Do you want a hug?
No, I don't want a hug.
Okay.
I'll go fix the...
Paul, we're in the middle of a bit.
I noticed.
Oh, you did notice?
Yeah.
I think something was happening.
Huh?
Okay.
Here is the top 10 list, ladies and gentlemen.
This is from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, the category top 10 insulting French nicknames
for Paul Schaeffer.
Ah.
Paul spent his weekend in the Cote du Jour.
Is that where it is Paul?
Wait, wait.
The Cote du Jour.
Is that the month?
Yeah.
Near Monaco.
Yeah.
Nachos.
And over there at the Cannes.
Is it Cannes?
Cannes.
I think they say it's halfway between Cannes and Cannes.
Cannes.
Cannes.
No, it's Cannes.
Cannes.
Top 10 insulting French nicknames for Paul Schaeffer.
Funny that they would insult me because they love me there.
Yeah, I know.
Well, get ready.
Hang on, buddy.
Number 10, Le Petit Piano Monkey, number nine, Hunchback of Notre Lame, number eight, The
Canadian Weasel, number seven, Mon Petit Chafe Chafe, number six, Le Dork de Triomphe, number
five, Gérard Depardon, number four, Charles de Baldy.
Charles de Baldy.
Number three, The Eiffel Loser, number two, The Inventor of the Flesh-Colored Beret, and
the number one insulting French nickname for Paul Schaeffer, Creepy.
The last one hurts?
The last one, yeah.
The other one, I didn't mind.
The last one hurt.
You're being compared to a crepe.
Crepe, yeah.
Yeah, that makes you Creepy.
Oh, I see.
But Creepy has it, you know, there's other connotations that I didn't like.
But I see.
Crepe.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back, although I have no idea why, but we will.
We'll be right back with Matthew Fradares.
We'll be right back.
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On the thrilling season finale of JAG, Han goes to Russia to find his POW father.
It would blow the roof off of Washington and Moscow.
Fradascaped JAG CBS Tuesday.
Fire!
Fire!
If you ask us, it just tastes better.
The noise and commotion of the election is almost over.
I want to thank you for all your strong support for term limits on Congress, and I want to
personally thank Perry Atkinson and the others for signing the term limits declaration.
Greg Walden has not signed the term limits pledge.
Please keep after him to sign.
And if you see Perry Atkinson, thank him for supporting the families of Oregon by signing
the term limits pledge.
He has committed to be a true citizen legislator.
That's the only way to limit Congress.
Blue Sky Market and Topp finish has assorted 24-pack Pepsi products for $4.99 at Blue Sky
Market.
Our first guest is a very talented actor who is making his big time science fiction action
film blockbuster debut in the new motion picture of Godzilla.
It opens on Wednesday.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Matthew Broderick.
Matthew.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
How are you?
I'm all right.
Congratulations.
Tell me what you know about the Godzilla thing.
When does the thing open up?
It opens, oh, Wednesday, two days away, huh?
Yeah.
You excited about that?
Yeah, I'm pretty excited.
I'm going to see the film myself tonight.
You've not seen it before, right?
I saw like two-thirds of it on a videotape.
Right.
Those are amazing glasses.
Well, thank you very much.
Lenscrafters, just about an hour.
Where do you get your glasses?
Matthew?
That's a freeze.
That's when you freeze because you can't think of anything.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I'm not in film.
I did not know that.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm watching.
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Yeah.
I got my glasses, you know, somewhere in Hollywood.
Yeah?
I don't know.
Okay.
Now, anyway, let's see.
We've heard a lot about the... First of
all, what part do you play in the Godzilla film?
I play the scientist who's onto Godzilla before anybody else is.
When you say on to, where did he come from?
Why haven't we seen him before?
Well, he's, you know, we have treated this environment
in a very, you know, sometimes, uncareful manner.
Yes, mistreated it.
Yes.
We have not husbanded our resources properly.
Absolutely.
And, you know, it's just a matter of time
before a little radioactive dust gets on an egg someplace.
Oh, that's what it was, radioactive dust.
That's why you have to keep your...
I don't know if I'm supposed to give that away, but...
No, no, keep your eggs in those cartons
when you get them.
Because you don't want that radioactive dust getting on them.
Absolutely.
So, Godzilla is a giant chicken, is what you're saying.
Yeah.
That'd be...there you have a movie there.
There's a Godzilla in there.
His feet do look a little like a chicken.
Of course.
I would think, at the very least,
he'd have chicken blood in him.
Yeah, he does.
Yeah.
So you're the guy, and you can't convince him.
Nobody will pay attention to you.
And you've been screaming about this,
and you used to mark my words one of these days,
Godzilla will be here.
That would be good, but that's not exactly how it happens.
But no, they're like, this thing has grown,
and I study worms, which are near Chernobyl,
and they grew too big.
Right.
So they decide, I'm the man, and I'm flown into...
But did that actually happen at Chernobyl?
The worms get...