national videogame Jason
ками scene.
tonight.
Football Hall of Famer Art
Donovan.
Chef Junior Child.
And comedian Mario Joiner.
Plus Paul Schaefer.
And the CBS Orchestra.
And now.
Dan Rather's understudy.
David Letterman.
Wow!
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
How was it?
Wow!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Wow!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, wait a minute. Sit down.
Oh yeah. Oh, sure.
Sure now. Sure now.
Well, when you leave, you go out and you write a book about how you never loved me.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at a very happy, very excited, very proud man.
I found out earlier today I have received the endorsement of Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
Thank you very much.
Da da da da da da da da da da da!
As you probably know, Mayor Giuliani, and it was kind of a shocking maneuver,
today he endorsed Governor Cuomo in his bid for reelection as governor of the state of New York.
Mayor, yeah, okay, sure.
Mayor Giuliani is a Republican, Governor Cuomo, of course, a Democrat,
although Cuomo's challenger, George Pataki, was endorsed by Giuliani's hair.
That's a very odd kind of political machinations. I just don't have any idea.
Crazy thing.
Whoo!
Paul, if that happens again tonight, jump right back in there with that da da da dee da da dee da da dee dee.
Okay, I'll be with you.
Wait a minute, it happened right there! Come on, get in!
It's not working.
I know it's not.
Ladies and gentlemen, with less than two weeks away from the election,
I think the Ted Kennedy campaign may be in some trouble.
Earlier today, his liver gave a concession speech.
Just explaining it.
I'm telling you, when you gotta talk him over, when you gotta explain him to your partner in the seats,
I'm telling you, that's tough, that's tough. Oh my goodness.
I was reading something today. The New York Post, a newspaper here in New York City,
is the only daily newspaper in New York City that has increased its circulation in the last six months.
That's interesting, isn't it?
Although, you know, I'm not really certain if I believe this, because, you know, I read it in the Post.
Ha ha!
Da da da da dee da da da dee.
Hello, girls! Nice to see you!
Ha ha ha!
Sometimes I have a little too much fun.
Earlier today, President Clinton left for the Middle East.
This is going to be an historic occasion. He has two goals for this trip.
One, he wants to witness the signing of the peace treaty between Israel and Syria.
And two, he's hoping to be strip-searched at the Syrian border.
Ha ha!
Da da da da dee da da dee da da dee da da dee da.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice hand from my agent, Mr. Michael Obitz.
Stand up, Michael, where are you?
Mike Obitz, there he is right there!
Thank you, Michael!
We're down here, Mike!
Very powerful man.
Oh, the most powerful man in the world.
Got a little older than I was.
Woo!
Ah, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen.
Scientists have now developed a rice, a strain of rice, that will provide a 25% larger harvest.
However, they still don't think they'll be able to keep up with the demands for Roseanne's weddings.
Right.
Are you trying?
I am.
You're supposed to knock us out with that.
Maybe it's a different song.
Oh my god, and Mr. Obitz is here today.
I know. Believe me, I'm trying.
The most powerful man in the world.
Here's what I like about New York City. You never know when something wacky is going to happen here in Manhattan.
Yesterday, a man, a French man by the name of Alain Robert, I hope I'm pronouncing that properly, Alain Robert, better known as the snake or something like that.
This guy climbed a 48-story building here in Manhattan on the Upper East Side.
Okay.
And the police, when he completed his climb, arrested him on the roof.
And earlier in the day, he tried to do the same thing at the CBS building, but they pulled him off after the second floor because nobody was watching.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a good program tonight.
I'm telling you, we have two of my favorite people.
You have to love this guy.
NFL Hall of Famer, former Baltimore Colt, when guys were guys, Art Donovan is on the program.
Yes.
And, and, and world-renowned, world-famous chef, Julia Child is on the program.
Oddly enough, she too is in the NFL Hall of Fame.
And a very funny young gentleman, a very fine comedian, a very nice guy, Mario Joyner will be joining us now.
Do us a favor, say hello to Paul Shaver.
He's right over there.
Nice to see you.
No, what?
You seem to be modeling or?
I'm not modeling.
I'm welcoming people to the show.
Okay.
That's good.
I'll have a seat.
I've never seen it with that kind of choreography before.
I was, I was just moving in position to take a seat.
I see.
That wasn't really choreography.
You know, I was thinking about something because the election is just a couple of weeks away.
And here in New York, of course, we have the governor's house.
What do they call it?
The governor's mansion.
The governor's office is being contested.
Around the country, you have many congressional seats.
You have many key Senate seats.
And you have many other governor races that will be decided in the next couple of weeks.
And people say that it's madness now because the Democrats and the Republicans and they don't know,
will the first termers be bounced?
Will they want new blood?
It's just chaos on the political scene.
So I thought to myself, maybe it would be a great time tonight to give you a look at what people are claiming to be campaign promises for the upcoming election.
Paul, take us into this if you will.
One, two, three.
Here we go, campaign promises.
Promises, promises.
Yeah, sounded like telethon music.
A little bit, yeah.
Drove the audience crazy too.
I can see, yeah, it really worked on it.
Okay, so these are campaign promises.
Various people in the political scene, if you will, and their campaign promises.
Here we go.
For example, Dan Quayle, former vice president of the United States.
Dan Quayle, his campaign promise, to find Waldo before the New Hampshire primary.
What are you, just trying to keep warm?
Is that what you're doing?
All right, Keith Richards, for example, who knew he was running?
I had no idea Keith Richards was running.
But yet here we have his campaign promise.
Medicaid and cigarettes.
That's his.
Okay, defense attorney Robert Shapiro.
Yep, he's running for something.
How can there possibly be a fair election when the voters have heard so much about the candidates in advance?
Dwight Gooden.
Dwight Gooden, New York Mets pitching ace.
He's running for something?
Dwight Gooden, that's right.
Really?
And here's his campaign promise, to reduce his trade deficit with Columbia.
Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump, for a star.
I had no idea.
Yeah, he's running.
There he is right there.
That's Forrest Gump.
If you have a sandwich with cheese and you do not like that cheese, I will take that cheese out of your sandwich.
That's a little Gumpism there.
Got it.
Roger Clinton.
Roger Clinton, by the way, is the brother of President Bill Clinton.
All right, and here's his campaign promise.
By law, all six packs will become seven packs at the same price.
Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats guy, Wilford Brimley.
Yep, yep.
Here's his promise.
Vote for me and I'll let you put your hand in my special pocket where I keep the oats.
Is he here or not?
Can you get a shot of him?
Hal, is he here?
Where is he?
Oh, there.
Get a shot of him right there.
Right there, that guy.
Right there.
What do we have for him, Bill?
It's a year's supply of Pop Tarts, America's favorite breakfast food and snack.
Delicious fruit filling on the inside, sensational flaky crust on the outside.
But that's not all.
It's a brand new toaster.
Thanks to the friendly folks at Black & Decker, now you can eat every meal at home, Ted, you
loser.
Bon Appetit from The Late Show.
Back to you, Dave.
Okay, bye-bye.
Man, hot damn Pop Tarts and a toaster.
All right.
Yeah.
I just love making people happy.
Okay, let's get back to our little comedy skit thing here.
Marion Bayer.
Barry, running for mayor of Washington, D.C., here's his campaign promise.
I'll get drugs off the streets.
I certainly hope he follows through with that.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did you actually think that was funny or were you just trying to help?
No, it's funny.
It's a very simple joke.
That's the first time in 14 years I've heard you laugh.
I don't know.
Something's certainly funny about that.
Marion, Barry, I'll get drugs off the streets.
Yeah, well, I hope something strikes you again before the turn of the century.
That's nice.
Okay, Beavis from Beavis and Butt-Head, here's his campaign promise.
Secretary of State Butt-Head, that's his promise to you.
Ted Kennedy, by the way, his promise to the voters.
He's going to try that Zima crap.
There you go.
Whoa.
What are you doing?
What?
What are you doing?
I'm just standing here making a noise.
I know you are.
Whoa.
Hey, if you're at home with loved ones or friends, try it.
Try it now.
Whoa.
Hey, I said at home.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a delightful program.
Two of my favorite folks, Art Donovan, Julia Child, and Mario Joyner.
It's a great program.
Come on back.
We'll be right there.
Give me an ice.
When we come in here, mister, in our baggy civilian shorts and our smart-alecky tie-dyed
t-shirts, what do we order?
Um, but ice?
I can't hear you.
But ice, sir.
And how many do we order?
Two, sir.
But ice, it's ice brewed and cold filtered to start cold and stay cold.
Now, drop it and give me 20.
Fall in for the real cold of icy smooth but ice and new 96-calorie but ice light.
Hey, you.
This Christmas, Scott Calvin's getting into the spirit the only way he can.
You killed him.
By accident.
Hang on, because the greatest holiday adventure of all is here.
You're the new Santa.
What?
You put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Ha!
Put on a little weight.
Does this look like a little weight to you?
Walt Disney Pictures presents Tim Allen.
If we go straight on this road and we hit I-94.
The Santa Claus, rated PG, starts Friday, November 11th at a theater near you.
All Craftsman hand tools and all power tools are on sale.
All paint, every gallon, every brand is on sale.
And there's a lot more.
The Sears Day Sale, bringing America's best to you.
Hi, Trish.
Todd's working here.
Don't remind me.
Can he make it all shift without Duracell batteries?
I made these special just for...
Guess not.
The copper top tops them all.
Hey, Frank, what are you doing?
Playing Jenga.
Yeah, how do you play?
You take a piece from the bottom and you put it on the top.
Hello, Jenga.
Jenga?
Hello.
What are you doing?
That's the way I picked my piece.
Frank, I'm a little worried.
I'm worried about all of you.
Jenga.
Let me try this.
This Jenga stuff is simple if you know what you're doing.
Oh!
Nice move.
Great.
The knot is young.
Jenga anyone?
Jenga.
Once you touch it, you can't keep your hands off it.
What do you call a sale this pick?
Super.
It's the Bon Marché Super Sale with savings of 10 to 50% throughout the store.
Pick a Popeye pasta maker for only $179.99.
Save 50% on crystal stemware.
This bed in a bag complete comforter set is just $89.99 any size.
And you'll save 25% on the entire stock of luggage and business cases.
It's the Bon Marché Super Sale and it's not just raining savings, it's pouring them.
What if he were your son?
I wouldn't change anything about him.
Or your brother?
I look at him and I try not to think that my brother's dying.
Patrick died of a disease nobody likes to talk about.
But when he shatters the silence about AIDS, you'll do more than listen.
One person still can make a difference.
And I hope that I can before I die.
You will learn.
Don't miss Our Times, a Crim2News special, Wednesday at night.
How do you do ladies and gentlemen?
Nice to see you.
Welcome back to the program.
Hey, let me tell you who's on the show.
Art Donovan.
There is no more fascinating, charming man than Art Donovan.
A very, very successful athlete in his day.
Played for the Baltimore Colts and is in the NFL Hall of Fame.
Now, among other interests, owns a country club outside of Baltimore.
Art will be here tonight to give us his views on the current NFL season.
Right.
Yeah, we'll find out about that.
And also Julia Child.
We're going to be cooking.
She's making crepes.
Julia Child will be making crepes tonight and we're going to ask Art if he wants to
cook with us.
Also, comedian Mario Joyner.
And that's the program so far.
I have a shot of our producer Bob Morton.
I just want you to take a look at Bob's outfit.
Can we get a shot of, right there.
Let's see it.
You folks remember.
Bob was telling me earlier today his hero in life is Dennis Weaver.
Now is that, is that from the McLeod days or is that gun smoke?
It's a lovely outfit, Bob.
God bless you.
Yeah.
And a woman in the audience, before the program began, a woman from Pennsylvania brought me
some lovely products.
You know, one of our sponsors is Big Ass Ham.
And here we have Big Ass Spam.
My favorite, Big Ass Pam.
I think she worked with us at the old place, didn't she?
I remember.
Yeah, of course she did.
Is he still out there?
Is that guy still out there?
Where is he?
Can we get a shot of that guy?
Oh, where is he?
Oh, he's up on the balcony.
There he is right up there.
Yes, sir.
What do we have for him, Bill?
It's a five piece matching set of American Tourist luggage.
These sturdy and dependable travel companions are perfect for vacation business or just
visiting friends.
If you had friends, Ted, whether it's a Rivadachi or Bon Voyage, American Tourist, there is
a name you can trust.
Have a nice trip.
Courtesy of The Late Show.
Now, back to you, Bill.
He's not supposed to kiss the model.
He gets the luggage.
He can't kiss the model.
Well, can't blame him.
Ladies and gentlemen, here in my right hand, I have a copy of tonight's top ten list from
the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa.
Every time I go to the doctor, I sit in the waiting room doing that.
My category, ladies and gentlemen, from the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa, top ten things
Ted Kennedy now can do to win the election.
That's right.
I think it's been a very close race so far, but I think current polls indicate that the
Senator may have a slight edge over his challenger, Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney.
Yeah.
Top ten things now Ted Kennedy can do to win that election.
He's been in the Senate, by the way.
Ted Kennedy, have any idea how long?
No, a long time.
How long?
Whoa!
Thirty years.
That long?
Thirty years.
Finishing his fifth term as Senator.
Actually, 32 years.
Here we go.
Top ten things now Ted Kennedy can do to win the election.
Here we go.
Number ten, introduce new role to debates.
Mention the economy.
Do a shot.
Number nine.
Two words.
Jenny Craig.
Number eight, use trick photography and campaign ads to make head appear normal size.
Number seven.
Number seven, lose the toe.
Number eight, lose the toe.
Number nine, lose the toe.
Number eight, lose the toe.
Number nine, lose your toe.
Number nine.
Number nine make the toe.
Number nine.
And you can start as new whohhh.
Number nine, run the ratio of run guy味.
Number nine, run the ratio of the rabbit guy.
And then start to lose your show down.
Number nine, run the ratio of the rabbit guy.
And you can start as new who who who who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who.
Number nine start to lose the toe.
Number nine start to lose your toe.
Number nine, whoo who who who who who muyipamiya.
Number nine and that's where our last ally Ford Lee plays.
I was waiting on a picture. I thought we'd have a picture of him.
We'll put that in later.
Can you handle that?
Yeah, I'll put it in.
Hey, that's great!
Number five. Stop referring to his five terms in the U.S. Senate as refills.
I thought we'd have a picture of that, too.
Refills.
Number four. New slogan. Several wives can't be wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hollywood super agent Mike Omin. Stand up, Mike. Take a bow.
He's the man that told me don't let the guy kiss the model.
Ah, he was right.
Number three. Stop responding to reporters' questions with, let me ask my buddy Jack Daniels.
Number two. Jazzercise like a son of a bitch.
And the number one thing Ted Kinnigan did to win the election. Put on his damn pants. There you go.
Hey, hey, hey! Trying to do a show here!
Man, you're going to like this guy. If you don't know this guy, you're going to like him. He's just a terrific man.
He's a football great. He played the game not for the money, not for the fame, not for the women.
He played the game for the pregame all-you-can-eat buffet.
I like to tell that one on him. It's a little...
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the lovable Hall of Famer Art Donovan. Art, come on out, buddy.
Hello, Art. How are you?
I'm fine, Dave.
Welcome to the program.
Welcome to be here.
Thanks. You came up from Baltimore, where you played for the Baltimore Colts in their glory day.
Who was the quarterback when you played?
A guy named United. He wasn't going to make it, but he did a little...
How long was he the quarterback?
I don't know, maybe about 15 years.
15 years. Now, these are the days when there were only like three teams in the NFL.
Yeah, it was...
Four teams.
It was the Chicago Bears, the Baltimore Colts, New York Giants, and the Green Bay Packers.
And that was it. And you guys played each other every weekend.
Well, yeah, but they had the Rams and the 49ers and some other teams.
But you know what I'm talking about. It was Johnny Unitas and Y.A. Tittle and those guys and yourself.
And it was Sam Huff. Did you ever play with Sam Huff?
No, I never played with him. I played against him.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
I'm sure he'll...
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?
Why do you have to do something like that?
I'm a wise guy, I guess. I don't know.
How are things at the club? At the country club?
Everything is alright.
What is the season now at the country club? Getting ready for a big Harvest Ball? That kind of thing?
Who?
I say...
No, we're getting ready for a Halloween party.
Oh!
And all those little weasels are going to...
Bam!
Now, you don't mean that.
Oh, yeah, and I got my costume on right now.
Really? You don't dress up for the holiday?
No, if my wife ever buries me with a tie, I'm going to haunt her for the rest of her life.
Have you ever dressed up on Halloween?
Uh, no. Oh, we used to do a lot of things up in the Bronx that I can't say on television.
But, you know, we were just young kids growing up.
Yeah, I understand. Now, when you played the game of football, did you ever play under the influence of, like...
I mean, were you ever drunk when you played?
No, but I played against a guy that I think maybe was drunk.
Really?
Yeah, he was a quarterback for the Lions named Bobby Lane.
Bobby Lane.
Bobby Lane. Night Train Lane.
No, that's another guy.
Different guy?
That's it. Two different guys. One guy is white and the other guy is black.
They were different, you know.
Jase, I wonder which one was Night Train.
Night Train?
I'm so dumb. I'm so dumb.
Anyhow, Bobby Lane, we were rushing and putting a lot of pressure on him.
And he's screaming out his offensive line. So, Gene Warkette, who played alongside him, said,
Look at him. Look at him. They were all afraid of him. He's screaming at him.
And the third quarter, we're laying on top of him and he's hollering,
You rotten sons of... I won't say it.
And he's screaming and hollering. I said, Bobby,
Damn it, the breath. We're going to get drunk.
Just smelling your breath. I said, You must have had a night last night.
He looked at me and said, I had a few at halftime.
So, I don't know if he did or not.
I had a few at halftime.
Now, you know, I can remember when, about ten years ago, there was a scandal about
players in the NFL taking these amphetamines, these greeny things.
Did you know anything about that when you played?
No, no, no. The only thing we ever took was a can of beer.
And the guy said, You had to be in shape.
Well, hell, I've never been in shape since I was born.
I swear to God, I was born, I was 17 pounds.
And my poor mother couldn't walk for three weeks.
That's a lovely story, Art.
She don't know. She's up in heaven.
Well, God bless her. I tell you what, Art, we have to do a commercial here,
and we'll continue when we come right back talking with Art Donovan, folks, from the NFL All-Stars.
What am I doing here with you? You're my brother. It's your genetic obligation to help me.
Right, right, right. So the Grand Am has 150 horsepower engine, standard.
Oh, it is a blast to drive, and the balance shaft makes it smooth as silk.
Standard airbag, antilock brakes. Exactly.
You know the Grand Am costs thousands less than the quarter of the Camry. Really?
Yep, I researched it. Well, you've made a smart choice.
Thank you. Yeah, so what am I doing here?
You're helping me pick out a color. Color. Yeah.
Time to get up.
Wake up to Folgers decaffeinated. It's not just a great decaffeinated, it's a great coffee.
With all the mountain-grown aroma and taste of regular Folgers.
In fact, if you didn't know it was decaffeinated.
Coffee? I was thinking maybe we should start drinking decaffeinated coffee.
Decaffeinated? Hmm.
But how could a decaffeinated wake me up like this?
The best part of waking up. Even decaffeinated.
With Folgers in your cup.
Wednesday. Why don't the two of us do something special?
How to put the sing back in your marriage.
Do you know what you can do with your fishworks?
The boys are back Wednesday.
Okay, ready? You want to buy something. Here's how to find it.
The U.S. West Direct Yellow Pages.
Or maybe you're in business. Good.
Here's how you sell things. Let's clarify.
You're a buyer again and there's something you want.
No. Really want. Where do you look? Whoa. Fast learner.
Now, being that this is in fact the great U.S. of A, if you want to buy something,
bet the farm somebody wants to sell it to you.
And how do you find each other? Amazing.
Where to buy, where to sell. U.S. West Direct.
Slade Gorton. He's what's wrong with the Senate.
He took $160,000 in special interest money from banks and SNLs,
then made taxpayers pay $500 billion for the SNL bailout.
He's voted against seniors, cut Medicare, and opposed long-term care.
He's voted against middle-income families, against family leave, and college loans.
He voted against more police and against a ban on assault weapons.
But in the dead of night, he voted for a $35,000 pay raise for himself.
Even though he's a millionaire, it's time for a change.
The 7 Toyota Dealers.
Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Art Donovan is here.
Julia Child, do you like French cooking?
Julia Child is the best. Oh, I love it.
Yeah? I...
Well, now what? Now what do you mean? I never had it.
You never had French cooking? No.
You know, I...food. I've never had any bad food in my life. Look at me.
I don't like quality. I like quantity. There you go.
Well, you know, if you like, hang around and we can cook. She's making crepes.
Who? Crepes.
Sounds very good. Very nice.
Now, you know, Art, I was thinking about something, and I find most of the NFL games to be just kind of boring.
It's the same. Week in and week out.
You're right. It's two or three yards of busted play and then they kick.
You're right. That's pretty much how it goes.
And I'm thinking, and I'm going to talk to the commissioner, Paul Tagliabue.
Paul Night Train Tagliabue.
I think the games would be more exciting if the shape of the field was different.
They play on a rectangle. 100 yards, how long and how wide is it? 75?
I don't know. I never ran that far.
You don't know how wide the football field is?
Well, it was too wide sometimes. What the hell?
So what I'm proposing is it can still be 100 yards in length, but make it a circle, semi-circle, like a half circle.
So you march up around that and then you can pass from there to there. That would be a real...
Can you follow me on that?
No, not really.
Or like a right angle. You go up 50 yards and then down 50 yards.
And that would be the field. So it would be more interesting.
Yeah, all right. Are they going to throw the ball? I don't know.
Oh, no, sure. They can throw the ball.
Oh, these quarterbacks today, they go back to throw the ball and before they get hit, they get hurt.
You see these guys? I swear, I was watching the Giants the other day and I was watching the guy on the field.
He got hurt. He's laying on the ground. They got 18 guys around him. They got the chaplain.
They got the equipment manager. They got the doctor. Everybody's laying there like he's shot.
All of a sudden after 15 minutes, he jumps up and runs off the field.
I said, what kind of bull is this?
This is the way I feel. I mean, you know, these guys, some of these guys, these announcers,
they make fun of the guys that played football when they were really great football players in the 30s and the early 40s.
They played both ways. And I heard an announcer the other day say, you know, oh, he's a, they were nothing.
Who the hell is he telling the guy that played the game? They played touch tackle in Marshall Parkway in the Bronx.
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
That goes double for me. Your little punks.
Yeah, we go up together.
Your little sissies. Leonardo, clean this town with you weasels.
Hey, I'm getting too old for that, David.
I want to tell you something, Art. I was watching the Cowboys and the Cardinals.
And Troy Aikman, who I met, he's been on the show a couple of times. Here, you won't find a better quarterback.
This guy is like a throwback to the old, I mean, he's like 6'6", 220 pounds and nothing but solid steel.
He's still hurt.
Well, yeah, he got popped under the chin. And the next thing you know, they say, you know, how are you?
And he says, I'm in Louisville. Well, no, you're not. You're not in Louisville. You're in Phoenix.
And they took him out. I mean, this guy was seeing birds.
I don't know. I went to my son took me to see you. My son took me to see you.
I'm trying to tell a story.
I thought you were through.
I was through. But you're supposed to get excited. I get excited about your stories.
Oh, man. I was over in Washington.
I have a feeling you're hanging around with that guy, aren't you?
We're going to have a couple of beers after the show.
Anyway, so what are you up to now? You're getting ready to go. Oh, you have a place in Mexico.
You go down there and relax in the sun.
Yeah, I don't relax in the sun. I got that Irish skin. I sit under a tree.
I sort of an old Mexican man. I buy him a couple of beers. He don't speak English. I don't speak Mexican.
I don't speak English very well either.
And after an hour, he gets up and all he says to me is thank you.
And I want to tell you something. You made me very popular. Oh, good.
I sit on a boardwalk down there. They got another name for it, but I can't pronounce it.
And I see these kids come by and they look over, you see.
Finally, they sit to the other guy. They come up and say, we don't know your name,
but you're the fat football player on The Letterman Show.
Yeah, the fat football player.
All right, hang around. We're going to cook crepes.
All the fame are right down in them. We'll be right back, folks.
Ah, Monsieur Pomp and Nickel. Before your aid is so swiftly separated from your body,
what do you want on your tombstone?
Cheese and pepperoni.
What does he want on his tombstone?
What else? Real meat, real cheese.
And much better tasting than those pizzas with imitation cheese.
As a slice, Monsieur.
Since the introduction of Visa Rewards, everyone wants to use their Visa card,
because now 10% of all your purchases automatically goes towards savings on American Airlines flyaway vacations,
Carnival and Holland America cruise lines, and Marriott hotels, resorts and suites.
Get yourselves. You're acting like a bunch of kids.
Besides, my sword's first.
Visa Rewards. Now your Visa card's even more rewarding.
The 3M FilTreat Micro-Particle Air Filter outperforms all other one-inch filters
by getting more of the small stuff that's in your air out, like more dust particles.
It also traps pollen and mold, particles that could irritate your allergies.
It even gets animal dander.
Try the FilTreat Micro-Particle Air Filter.
Get more of the small aggravating things in your air out.
Even smoke.
Look for the complete line of 3M Filters wherever you buy furnace and air conditioner filters.
Sure, I just title it all for aches and pains and fever,
but I found that Excedrin relieves headaches better.
How did I find out? I had a headache. That's how I found out.
Excedrin. The headache medicine.
It kills the germs that cause bad breath.
It fights plaque and the gum infection gingivitis.
Ah!
It's a new taste, new feeling, new sensation.
New Fresh Burst Listerine.
Gary Larson's The Far Side comes alive for the first time ever in a wild Halloween special.
Gary Larson's Tales from the Far Side Wednesday.
From your 24-hour news leader, I'm Carolyn Herb.
In news at this hour, sponsors of Idaho's Proposition 1 are on their way to North Idaho.
They're bringing with them literally tons of literature to hand out,
including more than 100,000 voters' guides.
They say North Idaho is traditionally a Democratic region,
and they're expecting opposition, like in an upcoming debate in Moscow.
With the election just around the corner,
the Idaho Citizens Alliance considers this their last chance to leave a lasting impression.
October is Car Care Month at your neighborhood Parts Plus Auto Store.
Come on in for special car care values like these.
Check out this Anko Premium Replacement Windshield Wiper Blade,
or a pair of Anko Wiper Blade Refills, your choice, only $3.99.
And Parts Plus carries precision remanufactured alternators and starters from Aero,
backed by Aero's 24-month unlimited mileage warranty.
These and other great values are available now at your participating Parts Plus Auto Stores in Harrington and Iphreda.
During Nissan's Altima Challenge, we'd like to make a few points.
The Altima has 1.5 more inches of headroom than a Lexus ES300.
It has 4.0 more cubic feet of interior volume than a Mercedes C220.
It has a price point of over $1,000 less than a Honda Accord EX.
Oh, and not to belabor the point, but the Altima now comes with 2.9% financing.
The Altima Challenge. I think you get the point.
How you doing? How's everything?
How's it going there at the house, anyway? Huh? How are you in there? Ha ha!
The football field is 53 yards, 1 feet wide.
Now, you know what I'm talking about? Instead of the normal field, you know what a normal football field looks like.
I'm talking about something like this here. You know, they'd all be different shapes. Like that.
You see what I'm saying? Can you see that? There. Like that.
See, you just, yeah, you just go around like that. And then you can.
It's going to be very exciting. Just when they think that you're in trouble, you can pass that right over there.
And the fans, of course, would be right there in the middle.
And I'll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. There is no off position on the Genius Switch.
Julia Child to be out here. Ah, this woman is great. I love this woman. I think the world of this woman.
She's going to be out here. She's going to cook crepes. Lovely crepes. Crepes. Crepes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Is he here? Is the guy here? Where is that guy? Hal? Where is he? Give a shot of that guy.
Oh, where is he? Oh, there he is! What do we have for him, Bill?
It's a brand new car! That's right. Ted Patterson has won a brand new red 1995 Mustang convertible.
The 95 Mustang features electric windows, AM, FM cassette, driver's side safety airbags,
power steering and anti-lock brakes. The smooth ride and elegant design will make any pinhead look like a million bucks.
Even Ted. Happy motoring from all your friends at the Late Show. Back to you, Dave.
We'll be right back, Paul. Very nice.
You can't achieve death. We will know unless we try.
On November 4th, the greatest horror classic of its time becomes the most chilling epic of our time.
It's a lie. Francis Ford Coppola presents a Kenneth Branagh film.
Have I done? Robert De Niro. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
The hit hour starts Friday, November 4th at a theater near you.
I'm bored. Let's count the palm trees again.
Why are you looking at me like that, Iggy? Okay.
Get it out. You're weirding me, man.
Stop looking at me like that, would you? You're creeping me out. Cutting that out, man.
For the great taste that won't fill you up and never let you down, make it a Bud Light.
Iggy, you're gonna twist my head off. Iggy.
An abusive husband, a terrified wife. Get out of my face.
Can Detective Phillips stop him before it's too late? I love Marcia. That's what they all say.
Under suspicion, then an ancient religion. I never knew that you were a witch.
Or one town satanic nightmare. I'm trying to take away my kid.
Discover the secret on Bigger Fences Friday.
If you had an extra $2,100, you could afford a new rubber ducky and a hot tub to put it in.
Or a loud tropical shirt and a nice place to wear it.
Well, now you can have an extra $2,100 because right now you'll get 2.9% financing on any new Ford Escort,
which can save you up to $2,100 in interest, which will buy tubulescents for you and earplugs for your family.
Buy a new Ford Escort. Get 2.9% financing.
Save up to $2,100 right now at your local Northwest Four-Nile.
George Washington on term limits for career politicians.
A rotation in the elected officers is most congenial with the ideas of liberty and safety.
Abraham Lincoln. If our American society is overthrown, it will come from the voracious desire for office.
Harry S. Truman. In my opinion, eight years is enough and sometimes too much for any man to serve.
Tom Foley. He sued the people of Washington to prevent voter-approved term limits from applying to himself and Congress.
She had never met this 14-year-old boy until he was convicted of murder.
So why is this grandmother leading the fight to get him out of jail?
I just sat there and cried with this boy. I could not get him off my mind.
Will she be able to get him one last chance?
An all-new 48-Hours Wednesday.
Our next guest is probably the most recognizable chef in the entire world. She is also the host of Cooking with the Master Chefs, which airs on PBS.
It is our pleasure to welcome back to the program Julia Child and her 300-pound prep boy, Art.
Julia, welcome back to the program. You know, we think the world of you and we think the world of what you do and we're always happy to have you with us.
This is the first time I've been in your new place.
Is this the first time you've been here? Well, welcome to the theater. You're a lovely addition to the place.
Thank you.
There you go. I wish I could say this ain't for you.
What are we going to do here, Julia? Let's just cook our brains out, shall we? I'll be in charge of the spatula.
We're going to do the giant flip-flop crepe.
Crepes. All right, here we go. Don't burn yourself.
Pour the crepe mix in there.
Don't want too much in there.
There's a hair in there.
A hair?
It didn't come from you, Art, I guess.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, no, the yellow thing. There's a crazy bit of butter in there.
All right, now put the mix in there. How much do we put in there?
Start pouring. I'll tell you to stop.
Is that enough? Oh, no.
You've got to cover the bottom here.
Oh, hey!
There we are.
Okay, I'll have a little crepe music. Do you mind?
Oh, man, I love the way they put this stuff here.
Oh, the old, hey, Paul, sausage!
Oh, my gosh!
Hey!
That's enough.
That's enough, okay.
Put some of them taters.
Who wants taters?
I do.
I have a little bit of bourbon in there.
Oh, it's the onion, that would knife me.
Okay, how much do you want in there?
Is this going to fire up?
Just put it around. There we are.
That's enough.
All right, be careful.
There we are.
A little more?
There we are.
I'm going to put a little more.
That's the real stuff, too.
You okay, Ar?
How you doing, David?
You are a beautiful woman.
How you doing, Paul?
Yeah!
We have to do a commercial.
We'll be right back.
Everybody needs some money somehow.
When you need to send money fast,
only Western Union lets you send it from home.
Hello? Rita?
I'm Paul Cash, Western Union,
the fastest, greatest, and money worldwide.
I don't think so, Baldi.
Good luck.
When it comes to great resorts,
nothing beats a Carnival Cruise.
All your daytime fun,
all your nighttime shows and entertainment,
and all your foods included, too,
in one low price.
Rach, what are you doing here?
You have to ask?
I think I do have to ask, yes.
I mean, after all these years of that,
you can see me now.
It must be working, huh?
Working on me.
Take a three, four, or seven day vacation on Carnival,
the most popular cruise line in the world.
All right, Kathy, it's a fun ship.
What is this?
This is totally cool.
Oh, man, you gotta check this out.
This thing is like an eclipse or something going on here.
Wouldn't it be cool if, like, right now,
there was this total eclipse?
Oh, it's TV.
Check that out.
Introducing the all new, 1995 Eclipse from Mitsubishi.
The new thinking in automobiles.
Are you all right, man?
Hello, AT&T.
This is a member of True Rewards.
My husband and I love your females and minis.
But how about something for the kids?
A vacation at Disney World, perhaps.
Stuff from the Disney store is lovely.
Now, all the members of AT&T True Rewards
can get a world of special offers from Disney.
Just spend $25 a month on AT&T Long Distance.
Anything at Disney is fine.
Not for me, for the children.
Your true voice.
So I did some checking, and I found out
$2.99 is really the same thing as $3.00.
It's a good deal.
$2.99 is really the same thing as $3.00,
except it's a penny less.
So some burger joint's got a meal, costs $2.99.
Big whoop.
Who cares if it's only $2.99 if I'm not gonna like eating it?
But if you make it taste good, you know, like...
a whopper.
Flame-boiled, not fried.
Maybe throw in some fries and a drink.
I'll gladly pay you $2.99.
Hey, I didn't go as high as $3.02.
Burger King, get your burgers worth.
Accused of brutal murders.
In this couple's case, a media
blackout.
In the Simpson case, a media circus.
Which is better?
You decide tomorrow on the CBS Evening News.
Remember when baby Faye got a baboon heart?
Now Kem's unborn son faces death.
We're gonna do everything we can for him.
What would you do?
Eye to Eye Thursday.
The state superintendent of public instruction
leads by example.
Anne Fox is the first woman to be
a member of the U.S. House of Representatives
Anne Fox's last job in a public school
was eight years ago, and she failed
the assignment.
She wants taxpayers to subsidize private schools,
is being sued by a Christian charity for fraud,
and is endorsed by extremist
right-wing groups.
Principal Willie Sullivan is held fast
to his Idaho values.
15 years in the public schools,
statewide leadership experience,
devoted family man, responsible,
accountable Willie Sullivan.
Music
How are you?
Nice to see you kids. Look Art and
Julia and myself are having breakfast.
Hey, how is that Art?
I don't know, I'm gonna taste it right now.
Alright, here we go, Anton.
Ah.
We got the drum roll, you gotta taste it.
Drum roll
Yay!
Oh, come on, it's great.
It's delicious!
It's delicious, of course.
Drum roll
Applause
Everything's tasty
when you're full of bourbon.
Laughter
Our next guest is a very funny comedian
who will be appearing at the Comedy Trap
in Buffalo, November 3rd through the 5th.
You and me and Art get a bus and go up.
What do you say?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the program
Mario Joyner. Mario, come on out.
Music
Applause
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you folks.
Well, nice theater,
nice people. I wish I could say the same
for the hotel room I'm staying in.
They checked me into a hotel that has a
male maid. They sent the man to make
up my room. I'm going accustomed here
and women knock at the door, nice pleasant voice.
I'm laying in the bed, I wake up to this voice.
Yo, get up man, I gotta make up the bed.
Laughter
I don't care how long you planned on staying,
you hear that voice, it's checkout time.
He just walks in the room
6'3", 220, starts kicking my underwear around,
picking your drawers up, man, what's wrong with you?
Laughter
I never felt threatened by the housekeeping staff
before. Within five minutes, he had me
helping him make up the room.
Laughter
So I got into a fight about six months ago.
I got mugged actually.
After I got mugged, I started taking self defense lessons.
A friend of mine told me to start taking Tai Chi
to prevent anything like that happening again.
So after six months of Tai Chi,
I feel like I can defend myself against any
attacker as long as he's moving really, really slowly.
Laughter
If you see some of those Tai Chi moves,
you're just like,
oh yeah, if I ever get attacked by
a mime underwater, I can take him.
Laughter
Applause
I don't understand, how can you fight like that?
Is this a good posture to be in when somebody's attacking you?
Laughter
They always turn to the side too, how's that any good?
How's that supposed to help you in a confrontation?
Start turning to the side, unless you're planning on running.
That's the only thing I can...
I know if I got time to do this, I have time to run.
That's my feeling. I'll be using Tai
Flee, that's my form of self defense.
Applause
Save me from getting a lot of butt kickings when I was younger.
So I was watching a show on National
Geographic Explorer, I watched a show about insects.
You know a household fly has
about 200 eyes in his head?
200 eyes?
I thought that was very interesting information because just the other day I smacked the fly
out the air.
I couldn't figure out for hours how he didn't see me.
Laughter
You got 200 eyes in your head, just at the moment somebody's trying to kill you,
all 200 of your eyes are distracted looking somewhere else.
Laughter
That's some bad luck.
It's like do do do.
Laughter
I knocked him out the air, then I got really arrogant, I tried to hit a fly
once it landed. You know you can't do that.
You ever let a fly land and try to sneak up on him?
It's impossible to get him.
Of course being a human being, you think it's the opportune moment to sneak up on him
because they seem to be so preoccupied, just wiping like crazy.
Do do do.
Laughter
You start
tipping over there, you can tell when they see you because they start wiping real slow.
Laughter
It's like he's saying, this two undergods
trying to sneak up on me over there.
Laughter
There's not a lot on those shows, I watched
a show about the wildebeest,
the poor wildebeest. They must
wake up every morning going, how in the hell do we become
the fast food of the Serengeti? What happened?
Every animal is trying to eat wildebeest.
Even the animals don't even eat meat, will try to catch
wildebeest once in a while.
I saw a hummingbird trying to bring one down, it's ridiculous.
Laughter
I feel sorry for them, but I gotta say it's their own fault because they wait too long
to run. Sometimes they'll be standing there, there's a lion
ten feet away from them. They're just looking at the lion
like they're in no danger.
There's a lion over there, y'all. I wonder what he wants.
Laughter
They don't realize they're going to get killed until he sinks his teeth into one of their
necks and it's like,
I think he's trying to kill us.
Laughter
What are you waiting for? Like if I was a wildebeest the minute I even saw somebody
I'd set up a TV camera, I would take off right then.
Laughter
I'd be screaming to my friends, alright y'all, film crew, let's go.
Applause
Hey thanks, goodnight, thanks.
Applause
Music
At Vista Optical, it's our 30th
anniversary. For just $59
you get a pair of glasses, frame, and
lenses complete. Choose from hundreds
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different colors, styles, and shapes,
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And you'll save $20 on each additional
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on every pair. Stop by
today. I'm confident our value
is so good you'll buy from Vista.
Music
30 years in Congress means you got certain
benefits beyond the $170,000
salary, the fat
pension, the round the clock limo,
benefits like sweetheart stock deals
that made Tom Foley more than $100,000
in profits, deals
that weren't available to ordinary people.
The Seattle Times said,
taxpayers find it difficult to swallow the argument
that Foley's profits are legal and
unrelated to his political position.
Now you know why Foley sued the
voters to stop term limits.
Why get off the gravy train?
Music
They say if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
We have it. So
I guess you could say
this is
your father's Jeep.
Music
Maybe even your grandfather's.
Music
Jeep Wrangler.
Oh, come by
and check out our terrific new lease plan
at your local Jeep in Eagle Deal.
Where else?
What will the Republicans do for
older Americans?
Well, they just signed a contract telling us what they'll do
to older Americans.
It's a trillion dollars of promises.
Huge tax cuts for the wealthy.
Billions in defense increases. Paid for by devastating
cuts in Medicare, exploding the deficit
again. In the last two years
the Republicans have tried to cut Medicare
nine times, opposed long-term
care, even opposed coverage of prescription
drugs. The Republican contract
is designed to return to the Reagan years.
But why would we go back to that?
Music
This exquisite international style cuisine
now comes with an airplane.
United Airlines 3 class service between
LAX and JFK. Reservations are
advised.
Thanks for watching. Good night everybody.
Music
Worldwide ants.