The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, featuring Kevin Newbanks and the Tonight Show band.
And me, I'm Ed Hall.
Tonight Jay welcomes Bill Maher, American Fido, the music of Kathleen Edwards, Ed, headlines, and now Jay Leno.
Thank you guys. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Wow.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to The Tonight Show. Man, you sound like people selling snowblowers in Washington, D.C.
What a storm. This is supposed to be one of the biggest storms of the century, of the last century too.
In fact, they said there hadn't been this much heavy shoveling in Washington since Bush tried to explain his economic policy.
People go, man, he's all day doing this.
In fact, it is so cold back East today, Ted Williams showed up for spring practice.
That's a bad, just got right out there.
You know what really thinks, if you're a kid, this is terrible. This is awful.
Three feet of snow on a day when it's already a school holiday. These kids have gotten screwed.
Hey, why couldn't it snow tomorrow? We got screwed. Oh, we can't go out at all. Man, I feel sorry for all I say about it.
In fact, it is so cold, the French now have another reason to be in bed with the Iraqis. That's how cold it is.
Well, here's the latest report on our allies. We don't have any.
Our allies of evil.
We know some members of Congress now are so upset with the French government and their lack of support for us,
they want to impose trade restrictions against French products like Evian water, Perrier water.
And today President Bush, he agreed with that. But see, I don't think Bush quite understands it.
Like he said today, starting tomorrow, he's going to begin by banning the import of French toast and French fries.
Now that seems, I don't think he quite has a grasp exactly how that works.
You know, I tell you, look out. You turn on the news, the Rolling Stones are out on tour,
anti-war press protesters are filling the streets. Is this 2003 or like a bad acid flashback?
Oh, my Marina Woodstock, what happened?
I didn't know you took acid, Joe.
I was working on my car, that was battery acid.
Even more potent battery acid.
But in Paris over the weekend, hundreds of thousands of people attended a big anti-war rally,
the biggest one since World War II. And it's interesting.
In fact, there were so many protesters that when they marched through the Arc de Triomphe,
out of force of habit, the French government surrendered. Oh, my God.
I didn't realize what had happened.
Oh, and I love this. My favorite story.
That's our Homeland Security Director, Tom Ridge. You know, Tom, Tom's been here.
Tom, now, there's no reason to panic over this high alert thing.
Remember last week we went through orange high alert.
He says, that may have been a false alarm.
Now he tells me after I Saran wrap my entire house, it's just a fraternity prank.
They fell for it, we can't believe it.
Next week, Ragoo on everything, Paul Ragoo on everything.
That's stupid. Actually, I found a good use for my leftover duct tape.
What I do is when CNN is on, I put a strip of it across the bottom of my TV
so I don't have to read that stupid news ticker that goes,
just watch the news. Thank you.
And former President Bill Clinton said today he now regrets not nailing Osama bin Laden when he had the chance.
He also regrets not nailing a flight attendant named Heather.
Cocktail wake was named Misty. That's too easy.
That's just so stupid.
And the number one movie over the weekend, Daredevil, $43 million.
Did you hear Daredevil? It's about a blind man working against evil.
Actually, the original title was Hans Blix Weapons Inspector.
That was the original title of the movie.
Oh, wow. What else?
Oh, and Clara Harris, you know the Texas woman who ran over her husband with a Mercedes three times?
Three times.
Remember?
Remember.
Three times and killed him. Sentenced to 20 years in prison.
It's interesting. When she testified in the witness stand, she said to make herself more attractive to her husband,
she got breast implants.
Isn't that ironic? Back then, she was the flat one, you see?
That's right.
That's bad.
Didn't see that coming.
My mom's going to write you a note.
Really?
Yes!
Before we go any further, I want to thank NBC for taking a break from their nonstop 24-hour coverage of Michael Jackson
so we can do our show tonight.
You know, unbelievable.
Earlier this evening, NBC aired a two-hour Dateline special on Michael Jackson's face.
It was called, AHHHH!
You know, this is unbelievable.
ABC, NBC, and Fox are airing a total of 10 hours of Michael Jackson programming.
Ten hours! That's more time than his first two wives spent with him combined.
It's interesting. Michael Jackson's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, was that her name? Debbie Rowe.
She says there were times when there were as many as five people in Michael's bed. Five people in bed with him.
You see, this is Michael's idea of dating someone his own age. Four 11-year-olds. You see, that's how it works.
Oh yeah, I'm way out of line. What a preposterous idea that would be.
Oh, I didn't tell you about this. I went to see you before. You were busy. You were doing something.
I heard this coming in on the radio this morning. A rumor. Mike Tyson has gotten a tattoo on his face.
I heard about that.
Okay, you see? Yeah, yeah.
Tattoo on his face. Why is he doing that? Does he really feel the need to look even scarier now?
See, I'm starting to look like a wuss. I better get a tattoo on my face.
See, that's when they know you party too much. When you wake up and there's a tattoo on your face.
Okay, where was that? Yeah, I think, is he calling the fight off this week?
He's sick right now.
Oh, he's sick right now. Well, you got a tattoo on your face.
He got a flu, man. Give him some time. He's all right. He's all right.
Give the brother a chance. Give the brother a chance.
There you go.
And now the football scene has been over. You know, I think they're trying to get more men interested in figure skating.
Did you see this picture? It was in the paper today. Look at this picture. It was in the paper today.
What move is that? Is that some kind of... Look at that. Is that...
Some kind of... What is he doing?
That's kind of a move. That's kind of...
Some kind of gynecology on ice, apparently.
There's a lot more guys watching figure skating.
Now, how do you put that on again? Let's see.
Imagine this. The other day, a scientist in Australia has developed what he says is a smart bra.
Have you heard about this?
It's a bra that can adjust automatically as the person wearing it gains weight.
Didn't that used to be called a tube top? Am I wrong?
Basically the same thing.
Oh, and my favorite story from last week. God bless these two. Again, only Italians get it. Only in Italy.
85-year-old man, 74-year-old woman arrested, arrested of having sex in a car by the side of the road.
Police said their left turn blinker was on the whole time.
Actually, there was one kind of embarrassing moment when the old man thought he was caressing her skin.
Turns out it was just the rich Corinthian leather upholstery.
This is interesting. According to a survey by HotJobs.com,
70% of employees have dated or would love to date a coworker.
The other 30% are guys who aren't married.
Finally, NBC announced plans. NBC is going to come up with a reality show called Who Wants to Marry My Mom.
That worked out. I got an even better one for fathers called Who's Your Daddy? That's the one.
Folks, this Wednesday something very exciting will happen here on the Tonight Show.
They're going to release the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. No one sees it until Wednesday except me.
Traditionally, they mail me the very first cup, which I have here.
I'm going to show you who this year's cover girl is because she'll be here on Wednesday.
Wait a minute.
This isn't a...
What?
This isn't a...
Hang on, folks. Just give me one minute. Let me see if I can...
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
James, what do you got? Those pictures are gross.
Michael, calm down. It's just a mistake. Look, they got our magazine subscriptions mixed up.
This one is yours.
Thank you.
Issue number one, some mix up with the mail. With the mail, get it? Never mind.
Boy, that was a mix up with the mail. Never mind.
Here, let me see. I have not seen this. This is the very first one.
There it is. Her name is Petra Nemkova.
She'll be on the show Wednesday with the Reverend Al Sharpton.
That should be great. We'll have her and Al hanging out.
That's an eclectic show. We'll go to commercial. We'll come back.
We have headlines and the very funny Bill Maher right after this.
Say hello to Kevin Eubanks.
On a rescue mission, you're going to get you out.
Eight Navy SEALs were trapped.
We're here to take a heavy fire from you on your own. In hostile territory, we have trouble.
5,000 rebels are converging in your area. Everybody down!
To get out alive, we're already engaged. They'll have to do the impossible.
Wait for my call. Stay with this man. It's your job to keep him alive.
Hold the line!
Director of Training Day. Tears of the Sun, rated R, opens March 7th.
Hey Rick, is that you? Jim? Hey!
Looks like you're on your way to work. Yeah, Subway.
The one right up at the next stop? That's the one.
Hey, anything new at Subway?
Well, it's funny you should ask, because right now, Subway has a spicy buffalo chicken sandwich,
tender chicken strips topped with Frank's red hot cayenne pepper sauce,
and a creamy ranch dressing, all on fresh baked gourmet bread.
We're getting good at this. Subway!
Cheesefish!
We knew we had to make the new accord more comfortable and more stylish.
What else would you part with your old woman?
The all-new 2003 Accord from Honda.
Now you can lease a 2003 Accord LX sedan for $2.39 a month for 36 months.
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Welcome back. Well, Kev, I, uh...
Alright, what's up, man?
...outsmarted my cat again this week.
Oh, what'd you do, man?
You know, every night when I go up to bed, I, you know, my wife's asleep so I keep all the lights off.
So I have to tiptoe up the stairs and into bed without turning the light on.
You know my cat, Cheese?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Well, Cheese will hide when I come around the corner and leap on me in the dark because I can't see her.
So, I mentioned this once before, premier $800.
I picked up some ex-Russian soldier night vision goggles.
And I, the other night, I strap it to my head. It looks like, it's kind of like this.
You strap this thing to your head. So I come up the stairs and I see Kitty.
Kitty's thinking, I can't see her.
So I come around, Kitty leaps, I step back, boing, Kitty hits the wall.
Stunned, stunned, like, has no idea how I did it.
I'm feeling pretty smart, you know?
That looks pretty good.
Great, great.
What's that?
You gotta give me some of that weed, man. Come on.
Look, it's Monday night, time for headlines.
Never mind that.
There's the American school system, dumber students to be honored.
Here's fun facts by Eric, Aaron Barrett and Jack Mingo.
These are fun facts, things to liven up your day.
Look, about 9,000 Americans die each year from food poisoning.
What a fun fact.
What fun that is to know.
Here's today's chicken of the week, turkey pot pie.
Gab, you know I like to eat. I'm not a big guy on desserts, but this is a dessert I really enjoy.
I like to go down to this place and have the meatball sundaes.
How frightening is this? I wouldn't give this to my child.
It's the 1099, the laughing baby boy doll.
What a frightening thing that is.
Horrible thing.
Kid will be in therapy for 10 years if he's given that.
Here's the Tennessean newspaper. Sometimes weathermen can just be the laziest people in the world.
Tonight, a few showers and perhaps, I don't know, a shower?
How do you make this, folks? Remember, Christmas is Wednesday, December 28th.
Remember, Wednesday, December 28th.
You can tell this doctor's a man, can't you? Look at the headline.
Doctors use groin to fix brain.
Well, come on, that's what men think anyway. You might as well put it to good use.
Acone Police report.
Hmm, a lot of stuff happened on July 4th. Police were baffled as to why.
July 4th, loud fireworks reported in the area of 1300 block.
July 4th, loud fireworks in the thousand block.
July 4th, loud fireworks in the hundred block.
July 4th, loud fireworks in the 500 block.
I wonder what was going on on July 4th.
What a coincidence that all those days.
A lot of new cars coming out. I don't know what this model is.
A 99 Chevy Tahoe.
$25 to good home. Welsh Manx cat genuinely gay but fixed.
How many times you bought a cat thinking it was gay and then you find out it's not genuinely a gay cat?
Well, this cat is genuinely gay but fixed.
Here's five minutes to perfection. How to make homemade German potato salad.
Ingredients. Start with one can of Reed's German potato salad.
Pretty much skipped the other step.
Here's your legal system at work.
This man sentenced to five years in prison and his driver's license was suspended for three years.
Here's a law firm that thought they'd be very clever.
This is the Morrison and Forrester Lawyers for the Global Economy.
I'm sure there are fine lawyers. Morrison and Forrester.
But that's too long a name.
So you have a legal problem. You just call MOFO.
Where's my MOFO lawyer?
You tell my MOFO lawyer to get his ass down here. You understand?
From the You Can't Start Them Too Young department, wine tasting in Madison Lake.
Yes, here we are.
And how creepy is it? Why isn't this photographer in jail?
Look at the hair. Can I get you another beer? Big party at Michael's place. There you go.
How creepy is that?
Here's a nanny, Las Vegas Review. Nanny wanted for two middle-aged boys.
I think most middle-aged guys would like to have a nanny, wouldn't they?
Stupid thing, that is.
Look at this here. Management opportunities.
We're looking for leaders that possess the following qualities.
Flicka, munga, umla, nuggla, tuggla, and pie.
We promise. Flicka, munga, niggla, gen, fling.
Here's a free headsets catalog for all women pirates.
Kev, I see why you're a vegetarian. You call them chicken tenders.
We call them chicken breast frittered strips. And don't they look delicious, huh?
Who wouldn't want to sink their teeth into those?
What is this paper? The front page, the Honolulu Star Bulletin.
Talking about politics. Like father, like son. Yes, you know.
And how much trouble is this guy in?
Construction equipment explodes as crews battle southeast Aurora Blaze.
Look at this thing.
About a mile away, Lawson Kendall was playing with his daughter in his home
when he heard something that shook the whole house.
I thought my wife had fell out of bed.
That's got to be a pretty big gal you got there, Kendall.
You've got to be still worried about sleeping in bed anymore after tonight.
Catering for any occasion. Catering for any occasion.
Divorce, bankruptcy, lost job are just for fun.
I don't even understand this one. Eat too much? We know how to take it off.
Affordable, healthy weight loss. Stop pooping buttons.
Groundhog music. Learn about traditional uses of the groundhog
as a source of meat, medicine, shoelaces, and music. Yes.
You can eat it, play it, and wear it pretty much. Disgusting thing that is.
There's chlamydia and gonorrhea urine testing available on a drip-in basis.
Colon cancer. You can prevent it. Free ice scraper with every cholesterol.
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Folks, you have a headline set at Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank, California, 91523.
More headlines. Go to our website at NBC.com slash Tonight Show.
Be right back with Bill Maher right after this.
Hi, hon. I had the craziest day. I'm starving.
You want to meet at Bob's restaurant?
Ah. What's the special?
Tonight is roasted turkey with creamy mashed potatoes and crisp green beans.
I can't believe Bob's is open this late.
It's funny how Bob knows exactly what I like.
That's Bob.
Nothing comes closer to home.
I ain't going down.
Us Weekly calls Dark Blue the first great movie of 2003.
Do you know what you're doing?
Declaring war.
Premier Magazine says it's M.A. confidential meets training day.
This city's here because I'm filthy with bullets.
Dark Blue, rated R, starts Friday.
I got the feeling Baby, baby, I got the feeling
The 2003 Pontiac Grand Am.
I'm going to go for the soul.
She's dark green, cash back, low intro and end of the month.
He's yellow, travel, everyday rate and middle of the month.
She's purple, travel, low intro and beginning of the month.
Introducing Bank One's Personal Platinum.
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Is razor burn ruining your morning?
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Xtreme 3, get close, not burned.
New from Trident White.
The seriously fresh, very cool text of Spearmint.
To White and Teeth, new Trident White Spearmint. Smile brighter.
Own City by the Sea, Tuesday on DVD and video.
Inspired by true events, City by the Sea is fast-paced, thrilling.
You know who I am?
Robert De Niro at the top of his game.
Anything happens to him, you'll answer to me.
City by the Sea. Own it Tuesday on DVD and video.
The 2003 Pontiac Vibe GT.
Fuel for the soul.
NBC Tuesday, 10-9.
Your programming is being interrupted to bring you this special report on Chevy trucks.
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Welcome back, great show tonight.
Great funny man Bill Maher will be here.
Our third installment of our Mutt CTV American Fido.
This is a competition that just swept the nation.
This is bigger than the Michael Jackson thing.
Two more dogs will compete in the finale next week.
It's hard to believe.
And of course, terrific young artist Kathleen Edwards as well.
Tomorrow night, lots of women on the show.
The ladies of the view will be here tomorrow night.
Barbara Walters, Meredith Catfight-Veara will be here.
Star Jones and Joy Behar, all will be a good show.
And the bachelorette, Trista Wren and music from Ben Taylor.
So the bachelorette, is she pregnant or something?
Uh oh.
Find out what that's all about.
I know what it's about, but we'll find out how it happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Travolta.
John Travolta will be here.
Pamela Anderson and the five-year-old Yarns Qua-Dootlets will be here.
All right, let's get right to it.
My first guest hosted Politically Incorrect for nine years.
Now has a new live weekly talk show on HBO beginning this Friday, February 21st.
I'm not supposed to say it's against me, but you can tape one of us and watch the other.
Please welcome, it's called A Real Time with Bill Maher.
Please welcome our buddy Bill Maher.
Thank you.
Thank you. Please sit down.
What up, homie?
Well, I gotta ask you something now.
This is Michael Jackson night on at least two of the three major networks.
Yeah, Michael Jackson a week.
Did you watch any of this?
Did you have any take on this?
I watched the first one, yeah, like everybody else.
And what was your...
I think you're very mean to him.
You are.
I mean, I never, all the years since the original accusation, I never did...
We've talked about this.
I never did Michael Jackson have sex with little boys jokes.
You know, boys' pants are half off.
Because I don't know that it's true.
I did O.J. Simpson jokes because I know he killed his wife.
I don't know...
Wasn't he found innocent by a jury?
Who?
O.J. Simpson.
Yes, but we know that that was wrong.
Oh.
His...
You know...
Well...
There's no blood in Michael Jackson's bronco, is what I'm saying.
And I don't think it's right to do jokes that imply that if you don't know that it's true.
And you don't know that it's true.
Oh, I think you're wrong.
I mean, how do you know?
Were you there?
You know that he had sex with children?
I was there.
I had sex with the children also.
No, I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
You know, when somebody sues you and you want it to go away, you give them ten...
You give them ten thousand dollars.
You give them fifty thousand.
Sometimes it costs you a hundred thousand dollars.
When you pay somebody twenty million dollars to go away...
I'm sorry, I don't believe you're innocent.
That's good enough for me.
Oh, well...
No?
Let's remember that part of that settlement was the stipulation that he would get the
father's script to an agency.
Remember that?
Well, I also saw...
So, you know what?
You had sex with my kid, but you know, get the script to the right people.
I'll look the other way.
I saw the head detective of Santa Barbara Police Department talking about it.
I believe him.
They all seem like very credible witnesses to me.
Well, again, it's just an accusation.
I mean, he spends a lot of time with jokes.
I mean, it's just jokes.
Anybody would take it seriously.
Anybody would think that Michael Reel would have had sex with a kid.
I can't believe anybody...
Well, now everybody does because people like you make that accusation night after night,
but you don't know that it's true.
I mean, you spend all your time with cars.
I could start a rumor that says, Jay Leno has sex with cars.
He loves cars.
That would not be unfounded.
Right.
The other day you said to me, you said, if there were no more cars in the world, I'd jump off a...
Did you say that?
Yes, I did say that.
Well, how about making it...
I mean, I love animals.
That's why I understand a little bit, or at least relate, because like he wants to spend all his time with kids.
If I could like retire on a nature preserve and have antelopes and beaver around, I'd love to spend all my time with...
That is an audience with a dirty mind.
They were two beats ahead on the beaver joke, and those are my kind of people.
Yeah.
But...
Yes.
Well, I respectfully disagree with you.
I think where there's smoke, there's fire.
It's more than enough proof for me.
Well, thank God our justice system is not based on that principle.
Oh, please. We're in America. Rich people can get away with anything.
I mean...
That's true, too.
The inspector shoots a woman in the head two days later.
Yes, I agree.
Let me tell you. No, no.
I agree.
You go to South Central, I steal a purse, I'm in jail for 75 days until I come to jail.
I agree.
Bill's inspector shoots a woman in the head at his house, and boom, you're out on bail.
I agree. You're innocent until proven wealthy in America.
Exactly.
But that's true, but it also could be true that he doesn't have sex with kids.
Now, in the 10 years since that first accusation, we see he's had kids over the house all the time, right?
Am I right?
Yeah.
Don't you think in that 10 years, if something was going on, somebody else would have sued,
seeing that the first guy got $20 million?
Don't you think that a guy...
How do you know nobody else didn't get paid off or whatever else?
You don't think that would make the press?
You know what it is? I think it's just, it's a little too creepy.
If you said to me, do I think it's being...
It is creepy.
I think he's being, having like...
There's something going on that is extremely, extremely inappropriate for a 44-year-old man.
That may be true.
I don't believe he's being cruel to these children, and I don't believe...
But I think he's using these children as an emotional crutch,
and I think these children will have serious problems later in life when you realize,
oh, I was sleeping with a 44-year-old man.
But it's, you know, he's kind of like Saddam Hussein.
He hasn't done anything in the last 10 years, and suddenly we're attacking him again.
Exactly. You know something? That is an excellent analogy.
I'm the analogy king. I've got the analogy...
I'll tell you what, we'll take a break. More with Bill right after this. More with Bill right after this.
Thank you.
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Tonight on Cut and Send, John McCain,
Katie Holmes, and a new diplomatic approach to Germany.
Appearances by Mr. T. do not come cheap.
I got needs, chicken legs.
Last call tonight, the not-so-bad Ray Liotta.
The badass, the badass. I mean, you're not so bad. You're a nice guy.
I did a movie with Miss Piggy. I didn't cook her.
Carson after Conan on NBC.
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In 1941, Calvin Coolidge cut taxes to jumpstart the economy.
In 1962, President Kennedy cut taxes again to save the people money.
And in 2003, we expect to see even more savings.
With 0% financing for 60 months during Ford's President's Day sales event.
We're talking 0% for five years on almost every vehicle in stock.
Like Focus, Explorer, Ranger, and the best-selling F-150.
0% financing can save you over $10,000 in interest.
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KNDO Local News proudly presents the Academic All-Star Award
to a local high school athlete every Wednesday night on KNDO Local News at 6.
Join KNDO and Central Washington University in celebrating the success of our area youth.
There's only one place for live local news in the morning.
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Local news and your fast alert weather forecast every 15 minutes from 5 a.m. to 7.
The only place for the action cam, current road conditions or travel problems,
school and business closings and delays.
And an accurate forecast to start your day.
That's why we say KNDO Local News. More local news, more often.
A mix of sun and clouds on Tuesday with a high of 52.
Welcome back. Talk with Bill Maher.
Let's move on to the, we have The Bachelorette on tomorrow.
What is your take on these reality shows?
You know, I'm on tonight with animals as always. You book animals with me.
Why don't you book me with the models anymore?
Anyway, I always get the dogs.
Yeah, well, The Bachelorette, I...
You watch?
Yeah, I do. I'm a sucker. I told you last time. I'm a sucker for those dating reality shows.
I mean, this one I actually like, not because it's really not very entertaining,
this one is the last one, but it proves the myth of the soulmate
because she says she's attracted to more than one person.
And it just shows that women, like men, are not immune to developing feelings for multiple prospects,
at least in the videos I read.
But no. And I think that's good, that women, you know,
we see that their biology is not that different from ours.
I mean, men are always in trouble for our biology, you know, because we want multiple, we want new.
I mean, you know, if women are thinking about getting a breast job or something, don't,
because he'll get tired of that too.
It's never about... it is never about big or little or short or tall,
it is only about old and new.
Hugh Grant, as you well know, had Elizabeth Hurley at home,
he wanted Marvin Hagler in a wig.
Marvin Hagler, really?
Well, whatever that woman was.
She would not get on the MI hot show.
But I mean, that's our biology and we are blamed for it, you know.
That is our biology, to hit on anything in a halter top, sipping a Long Island iced tea.
That's just who we are.
And, you know, we don't get credit for it, we should, because that is why the species continue.
Well, that is why we're here, is because we have that in us to propagate and to spread the seed.
But do we get credit? No, we get impeached is what we get.
Or we get run over.
I'd rather get impeached than run over.
You know, when you run over a guy two times and then stop for gas before the third time,
that is suspicious, Jay.
That is, remember the old days when a scorned woman used to just lop off her husband's penis?
Remember that? That era?
How many guys would rather get run over by the Mercedes?
Now, do these reality shows seem like they have a nasty history?
Incredibly mean.
Oh, please.
You know, we're supposed to be such a good people, Americans.
Politicians are always telling us, you know, if we only had a government as good as the American people.
But how good are people if what they enjoy watching is, what do you laugh at?
Pain and humili- I mean, all these shows are about pain, ritual, humiliation, banishment.
Ozzy Osbourne is a horrible show.
It's about this much better than getting the dog high to watch this retarded man.
And he is retarded. I don't mean that in a facetious way.
He's retarded. He can't speak.
He can't walk across the room without stepping in dog-
He is retarded.
And the message, you know, I have a friend in jail for medical marijuana.
He's a criminal.
But this guy, what is the message to the MTV kids?
The message is, you know what, kids? Do as many drugs as you want.
Blow your mind out. Do way too much acid.
You will land safely in middle age as a lovable vegetable who gets invited to the White House.
Well, that-
Well, let me ask you about something you and I always have fun with, is the anti-SUV thing.
Well, yeah. I mean, my good friend Arianna Huffington has been running with that ball.
It was- I put it a lot in-
Like the dumbest campaign I've ever heard.
Well, of course, because you are a, you know, bought and sold by the oil company.
I don't have an SUV. I don't have an SUV.
No, you have a fire truck out there.
I drove a fire truck today.
I drove my fire truck just to pick- I said to myself, how can I piss off Mar and befriend-
I'll book him with animals. I'll drive a fire truck.
I drove my fire truck, my 1941 fire truck.
I thought you would get a kick out of that.
It is a beautiful machine.
Thank you, very much.
But, you know, what does that get to the gala?
But first of all, you know, the SUV thing is over.
If you talk to anybody in Detroit, automakers, they're moving to the smaller cars, right?
It's a three-year cycle. Most of those-
How ridiculous. The president just announced a big tax break while we're in a war about oil for people who buy SUVs.
You get up to 75 thousand-
But an SUV, you'll see the next generation very much smaller.
They're more like station wagons. They call them SUVs to get the tax break.
Well, you know what? Look, I don't want to be the car police.
I've never asked for that job. I was just pointing it out that oil does fund terrorism, not drugs, as they would like you to believe.
It's much more your SUV.
But, you know, what I really always hated about SUVs was the fundamental lie that they're light trucks, you know?
That's so much of a worse lie, a political lie, than I did not have sex with that woman.
That didn't hurt anybody. But calling it a light truck-
Yeah, most of them I see are hauling sand, gravel-
Why they call it a light truck? Well, we have to go. I'll explain to you next time.
We will continue that.
And your new show comes on this Friday.
I want to say one thing. It comes on Friday at 1130. Not that you need any help. Your show is very successful.
And I hate to be nice to you, but there's not a lot of people in show business who would be secure enough or nice enough to have somebody on the plug a show that is against theirs.
Don't ever ask me to be nice again.
Bill Maher, this Friday. Be right back with American Fight All right after this.
Thank you, Bill.
Starting a small business takes a burning entrepreneurial spirit, a singular bold vision, the courage to fight an endless uphill battle. But that's not all you need. Oh, no.
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Something profoundly stupid happened last night.
Don't look away.
You shouldn't be doing this.
Someone's framing you.
Oh, it's more than that.
Because the truth will blow your mind.
Oh, my God.
The life of David Gale.
Rated R at theaters Friday.
Right now during Lobster Fest, we've got the best thing to appear on pizza since pepperoni. It's lobster.
Try our new delicious lobster pizza appetizer topped with fresh tomatoes, basil, Parmesan, and did we mention lobster? Lobster pizza right now at Red Lobster.
When you're trying to quit smoking, cravings for cigarettes can appear out of nowhere.
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The world is complicated, but not everything's that hard. There's no mistake when the choice you make leads you home to your old bad car.
And you know that it's right there in front of your eyes, my friends. Right there in front of your eyes.
If you haven't looked it before, now you look again. If you haven't looked it before, now you look again.
You know what I don't get? Why does it cost so much?
Twenty bucks a month for internet access. That's expensive.
And what's with all these pop-ups? What is that?
You know, I just want to surf the web and check a few emails without paying a fortune.
Hey, I get complete internet access and email for half the price of air well. It's only $9.95 a month.
Who can do that?
You know, Juno. Go to Juno.com.
Additional phone charges may apply.
Air should smell fresh, pure, and clean. But when you're inside, germs can cause tough odors in the air.
That's why the makers of Lysol created NutraAir.
It's new and different from ordinary air fresheners, which just mask odors.
NutraAir is a
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When I get a headache, I'm never near a glass of water. I'm stuck in traffic or something.
That's why I carry Excedrin QuickTabs. Don't need water. Melt in my mouth. Get rid of my headache quick.
Wish they get rid of traffic, too.
Excedrin Brand QuickTabs. The headache medicine.
Coming to DVD, Road to Perdition is nominated for six Academy Awards, including best supporting actor Paul Newman.
On over 100 top 10 lists.
And I'll always soon see her.
Michael Cooke.
Tom Hanks. Road to Perdition. Owned February 25th.
This Tuesday, Frazier discovers the love of his life.
Niles can't believe you're dating a gym teacher.
But now, whenever he looks at her, he sees his high school gym teacher.
This Tuesday, a doctor will confront his own psychosis.
I know someone who's tickly.
Then on AUSA, jury selection advice from Scott Foley.
One thing that pretty women hate most is other pretty women.
Are you calling me pretty?
I meant it as an insult.
AUSA. After an all new Frazier. NBC Tuesday.
Oh my. As you know, every Monday night we do our own reality series.
The only series on television where no one gets lied to, cheated on, or has to eat like bull testicles or nothing like that.
It's time for American Fido, the first reality show for dogs.
Alright, let's bring out our first contestant, Sharon Robinson and Shondalia.
Sharon, come on out here.
How are you? Thank you very much.
You look very nice.
Thank you very much.
Evening at the White House or something.
I would love to.
This is Shondalia, what's her name?
Shondalia.
Alright, how many tricks can Shondalia do?
Shondalia is responding to over a thousand hand and verbal commands.
A thousand?
1026, but who's counting?
Not me. Alright, let's get started here.
What is the first amazing trick we're going to do?
We're going to start here with piano.
Oh, piano.
As long as she hits the red light, Sid, she can play the piano.
No microphone. Shanda, come. Oh, Shanda.
It's going to be a thousand and twenty-five now, isn't it?
I have the treat. Hit the red light.
Okay.
Hit the red light.
That is a beautiful tune.
Hit the red light.
Alright, well that's lovely.
Okay, Shanda.
There you go, alright.
Shanda, come.
Okay, what is the next one here?
Shanda, come. Shanda, sit.
Red spot, sit, stay.
It's still playing without her. It's amazing.
No, it's not playing until she hits the red light.
It's where her music comes out.
Just the background music.
Shanda, could you please bowl? Bowling.
Yes, Shanda. Good girl.
Shanda. Wait a minute.
Is that actually bowling, carrying the ball down and knocking the pins down?
No, that's cheating at bowling. That's what she's doing.
Alright, what is the next one?
Shanda, come. Shanda, come around here.
And what is this? Shanda, limbo.
That's a good girl.
Now legally limbo is this, isn't it?
You are so bad.
Well, I'm just telling you. Alright, what's the next one?
Alright, Shanda.
I wish we had time for all thousand.
Shanda, I want you to pick up the garbage.
Pick up the garbage?
Shanda.
The garbage has to be yellow, purple and red.
I have the fanciest garbage in town. Shanda, garbage.
Come on, that's a girl.
Two more. Two more.
One more.
Alright, well thank you, Sharon.
Oh, there's another one. There is another trick.
Just watch her feet.
I could watch this all day.
Shanda. Shanda, ring toss. Shanda, ring toss.
No, Shanda.
Well, there you go.
Alright, alright, one more. What the hell?
Shanda, save it.
Well, there you go. Thank you very much, Sharon.
Well, thank you. Thank you, Sharon. That was lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you, Shandra. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you. Okay. Now we'll take you backstage.
Come on, come on, Shanda. Come.
Alrighty, thank you. That was very exciting.
I don't know how you top that, but we'll try.
Let's bring out Jesse and Art.
Jesse and Art?
Triff and Maggie?
Oh, Jesse and Art, Triff and Maggie. That's what it is.
There we go. Hi, you guys.
Hello.
Hi, you guys. How are you?
Good.
Now, that looks like a normal dog.
What kind of dog is that?
Maggie's a Jack Russell terrier.
I'm not a poodle guy, but there's a lovely, lovely poodle.
Okay, now what is the trick you're going to do?
Maggie counts.
She does arithmetic.
All right, arithmetic.
I'm not quite sure why you have to lie down, but all right, here you go, sir.
Lie down, okay.
Okay, Maggie.
I don't know what you two do at home.
We're going to...
What does it have to do with Maggie counting?
You can pick up his change later.
Here, let's do the trick. Here you go.
All right, Maggie. Here we go. Here we go.
Trick, Maggie. Come on up. Up. Come on. Good.
Maggie, this way. Check it out.
Come this way, babe. Up. Come on up.
That's it. That's it.
Okay, Maggie, sit please. Good.
Now, Maggie counts with the right foot, this foot over here.
And you just ask her a question like, Maggie, what's 3 times 3?
Isn't that a...
That's normally called a nervous twit.
All right, all right. 3 and 1.
Good. Good.
That was excellent. That was excellent, Maggie.
I don't want to do one that I can't get. Let me see. Okay.
All right, 3.
Well, listen up. Not you.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
3 and 2.
Fabulous.
Well, that's very good. Maggie.
All right, let's bring out Sharon and Shondrea. Come on up.
Come on up. Come on up. Come on up.
Come on back up. Here we go. Now, here we have...
Come on. Maggie, come. We're still going. Still going.
Okay. I guess not.
All right, here we are. Now, I want you to vote.
One of these dogs will advance to the American Final Finale.
One week from tonight, will it be Shondre Lee or Shondre...
Shondre. Shondre. Shondre Leah.
Or will it be Maggie?
Log on to our website at NBC.com.
No, no, it doesn't...
Your voting here doesn't count.
You have to log on to our website, NBC.com.
Click on Tonight Show and vote for who you think should move forward.
Don't make me clear the room.
Now, tune in next Monday, and we'll have the big American Final Finale.
Be right back with the music of Kathleen Edwards right after this.
Tonight on Cuddle, Senator John McCain could be home
to a new diplomatic approach to Germany.
Appearances by Mr. T. do not come cheap.
I got knees, chicken legs.
Tuesday at 8, 7 Central, all-new Game Show Moments.
What is your favorite wind instrument?
I'd have to say guitar.
The password is smirk.
Smirk.
All-new Game Show Moments, NBC Tuesday, 8, 7 Central.
I told you to tell him everything.
Life should always be this passionate.
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Can it get any better than this?
A complete hot and fresh meal that you don't have to cook?
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So what are you doing for dinner tonight?
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Hi, I'm Terry Muffet of Muffet & Sons Vinyl Fencing.
We are celebrating our grand opening at our newest location.
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So come see us at our new location in Kennewick,
4,000 Clearwater across from Lumbermen.
Looking to save big bucks on some great-looking furniture?
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Our 18-month No-Interest Finance offer ends Tuesday, February 18th
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The Red Cross Real Heroes Breakfast is coming up on March 5th,
and KNDO is proud to support this wonderful event once again.
As always, local heroes will be honored in eight categories,
and their stories will be sure to touch you.
From firefighters to hello children, you won't want to miss it.
Mark your calendar and call the American Red Cross at
457-1690 for ticket information.
We'll see you there.
A Bachelorette finale exclusive.
Next, Extra.
Ryan and Charlie meet Trista's folks.
Now hear the parents' reactions.
I think he would be a good match for Trista.
I was so blown away.
And Extra's couples news from Vegas, baby.
Jessica and Nick, David and Jamie, and more.
Then he's lonely, broke, and a big fraud.
Poor Joe Millionaire.
Your sneak peek at Monday's climax.
Plus, you're not dreaming.
We're behind the scenes of the
Next Extra.
Weekdays at 11.30 on KNDO.
My next guest is a critic-acclaimed newcomer from Canada.
She's one of Rolling Stone's artists.
She's a great singer.
Let's hear it for her.
She's a great singer.
I'd have to say I've never seen a better singer.
She's one of Rolling Stone's artists to watch in 2003.
She's here tonight performing a song from her debut CD,
Failure.
Please welcome Kathleen Edwards.
And I can't even cross the line to talk you down.
I can't even cross when I talk you down
I'm feeling sorry baby would you get that right
You spin up your life trying to turn you the half around
And I tried to come clean but I guess it's no use
The place is over, six of brothers
They've been to streets and then they close the schools
I can't even get inside
And did you lose your head when the farm went down
Cause you went your dadadad after you to town
And I know your mama calls you good for nothing
Says your baby's a failure and she don't want you calling
And I tried to come clean but I guess it's no use
The place is over, six of brothers
They've been to streets and then they close the schools
I can't even get inside
If you say baby there's just something that I gotta say to you
I'm gonna have your baby's coming soon
Get a little place down by Gilmore Park
You could do a little time and save my broken heart
And I tried to come clean but I guess it's no use
The place is over, six of brothers
They've been to streets and then they close the schools
I can't even get inside
And I tried to come clean but I guess it's no use
The property just shot you through
Now you're lying dead on the avenue
I can't feel my broken heart
Now I can't feel my broken heart
Kathleen Edwards, thank you guys, that was great.
Hey, that was terrific. Thank you so much, that was really good.
I want to thank all my guests, Gilmore.
Bill, thank you very much.