The address is CBS.
Welcome home.
From New York, take only pictures, leave only footprints.
It's The Late Joe with David Letterman.
Tonight, Helen Hunt, Courtney Love, and musical group, Pole.
Was Paul Schaeffer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, League leader on bass shabbering, David Letterman.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You know, while you folks were applauding, George Lucas just made another billion dollars.
You folks are great. I can tell you folks are great.
And I'm so happy to see you because last night, and God forbid, I'm the last person to be talking about folks when they're not here.
What a rough, ugly crowd we had last night.
Paul, please.
Half way through the show, the entire audience turned to the dark side of the force.
Awful.
You folks seen Star Wars? How many of you have seen Star Wars so far?
How many of you have seen Star Wars? More than once so far.
You know, if you've seen Star Wars, you know that I happen to have a part in the film.
Yes. Yes.
I'm the voice of Jar Jar Binks.
I have no idea what that means.
I love Jar Jar Binks.
Well, my God, it happened again, and this is not funny.
NATO accidentally bombed a Star Wars ticket line.
When is this going to stop?
Hey, Zippy.
I don't know whether you know the Star Wars or whether you love the Star Wars.
Everybody's going to see Star Wars.
Earlier today, waiting in line to see Star Wars, I saw Amy Fisher and her parole officer.
They were going in.
And of course, the McDonald's has a lot of commercial tie-ins with the McDonald's.
You know, you go to McDonald's, you get a Happy Meal, you get your choice of the action figures with a Happy Meal.
You get the Obi-Wan, you get the Jar Jar or the E. coli.
One of those three.
Are we playing soccer tonight, Paul?
Do you know anything about?
I was not aware.
I think we're going to a soccer game.
I was not aware of it.
Now, you know that Star Wars, the one you see now is a prequel.
Prequel.
That means it happened many, many, many years before the first Star Wars movie.
Prequel, you know, more like Nyquil.
Thank you.
But it happened so long ago that C-3PO still has that new robot smell.
That's it, wouldn't you?
Can I tell you something, honestly, ladies and gentlemen?
I'll be, I wish there would be another impeachment because I'm tired of the Star Wars jokes.
Let's try, try one more Star Wars joke and see how it goes.
And if this is not, then I won't do anymore, honestly.
I'll tell you something, I haven't seen the movie, I ain't going to see the movie.
So, you know, no skin off my nose.
Special effects in Star Wars are unbelievable.
Honest to God, the battle scenes are so real, I thought I saw Tom Selleck and Rosie O'Donnell fighting.
Oh, wait a minute.
We're doing the Secret Word right now?
Oh, great, it's time, ladies and gentlemen, to play the Secret Word.
Alan, Alan called her.
Let's play.
Here's Alan.
Alan, what is the, what is tonight's Secret Word, Alan?
Dave, tonight's Secret Word is Alan.
Proper name?
That's odd, isn't it?
Alan, are you, are you selecting the words for Secret Word?
Yes, I am.
Okay.
And the jackpot tonight for the Secret Word contest, what is it?
$500.
$500, damn dollars.
There you go, ladies and gentlemen.
A hundred?
Shouldn't it be more than a hundred?
It should be way more than a hundred.
Five hundred.
Five hundred.
Five hundred.
What are you trying to pull here?
What did you do with the other $400, by God?
Turn the whole thing over to Alan already, there's controversy, ladies and gentlemen.
It's our favorite night of the week.
It's Thursday and this is something Paul and I look forward to all week long.
Oh, crazy about that.
That's right.
Paul and I get to play.
And this is the key, ladies and gentlemen, when you're thinking about it.
We're here in the theater and also when you're thinking about it at home.
Know your current events.
Is America's fastest growing quiz sensation?
Quiz sensation.
Here we go.
Paul, take it away.
It's close.
You want to play?
What is your name?
It's Marnie.
Marnie.
Marnie.
Marnie.
Home of the scandal written Winter Olympics.
Yes, unfortunately.
What the heck's going on out there?
You know, we have a new person that's taking over.
You got a new guy?
Yeah, he's doing a great job.
So the problem was the old guy.
Yeah.
The old guy is gone?
Yeah, he's gone.
Now these are the Winter Olympics?
Yes.
When do they take place?
2002.
2002.
And are people excited they're in Utah?
Yeah, they just started a new mascot.
Oh, the new mascot.
They're counting down from 1999 or so.
They're starting the countdown.
Well, what is the new mascot?
You know, I didn't even get a chance to check.
Is he?
Utah's a beautiful state, isn't it?
Yes.
Yeah.
Where is Moab?
Moab?
Yeah.
It's down south.
It's in Utah, though.
Yes.
What do they do in Moab?
Moab, you mean Moab?
You're saying Moab.
I'm saying Moab.
M-O-H-A-B.
Isn't that the same thing?
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
Moab.
Yeah.
M-O-H-A-B.
Isn't that Moab you're talking about?
It's Moab as in M-O-A-B.
Moab.
It's just where they go bike riding and hiking.
It's really pretty.
That's all they do down there?
Or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whatever.
It's a spring break.
Wait a minute.
Spring break?
A lot of them.
Spring break?
They go to Moab on spring break?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just.
Really?
Yes.
When did that happen?
I thought it was...
Honestly, I thought it was Fort Lauderdale.
And now you're telling me...
And now you're telling me that the college kids, the big craze is, what everybody is doing.
Like MTV has a beach house at Moab.
I know they've been there actually.
MTV has been to Moab, Utah?
Where have I been for God's sakes?
Nice town, Moab?
Yeah.
What do you do for a living, Marnie?
I'm actually a modern dance major at the University of Utah.
Oh, you are not.
Now stop that.
I am.
You're a modern dance major?
Yes.
Wow.
And so what will you do?
You want to be like a professional?
Actually, I just barely performed with a professional company that's in Utah.
And we've just been coming out here to check things out.
And we'll see.
Maybe I'll come back here.
I still have one more year.
Do people like the modern dance?
Yeah, they do.
There's a modern and ballet program.
Is modern dance different from like my favorite interpretive dance?
They're kind of the same.
Some people might think, you know, people think modern is a little, you know, creative,
I guess.
It's just, you know, it's just on the ground.
Is modern dance, strictly speaking, a discipline or is it all free form?
Both.
Both.
Both?
Yeah.
I'm just making this up.
Do you want to?
Is there like a thing?
I mean, can you do a thing or, I mean, is it impossible?
Now wait a minute.
I don't want you to get hurt.
There's nothing you can do because it's like all over and you've got to have stuff and
outfits and plenty of talc and rosin.
Do you need rosin?
Those are for your ballet shoes.
Ballet shoes, okay.
Or is there something you could do like right here that would, we'd say, oh, that's pretty
cool.
Okay, that's plenty.
That's fine.
Minus or minus.
See, I don't think that of contemporary modern dance.
I think that of just more contemporary dancing, right?
Right.
I guess they overlap, don't they?
Unless you want me to do like a toe touch or something on the stage.
Well, yeah, let's see that.
I'd like to see that.
Go right up there and do the toe touch.
Yeah, the toe touch.
Yeah, the toe touch.
Now, certainly I'm no expert in the area of dance, but it looks to me like modern dance
also overlaps with cheerleading.
Does it?
Yeah, well, I could have do something leap across to it.
No, it's fine.
I think you acquitted yourself lovely.
Don't worry about it.
You were just fine.
Well, good.
Good luck.
That was great.
Everything went fine.
Yeah.
What did you think, Paul?
Pretty good, huh?
Yeah, I would give it a 10.
Just send her to dinner here.
I tell you, this is Biff Henderson.
Biff, this is Marnie for sure.
She's from Moab, Utah.
Good to meet you.
Spring break down there.
You ever got a spring break in Moab?
No, I haven't.
Yeah, it's great out there.
Dinner for two at Smith and Walensky.
You eat a lot of meat?
Well, you know, I will tonight.
Okay, well, no, wait.
Biff, come on.
Okay, here you go.
You like cute girls?
Yeah.
Okay, here you go.
You like Cuban food?
I never had Cuban food.
All right, let's see what else.
Here's Carmine's.
How about the Italian?
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
I'll tell you.
Woo hoo!
That's right.
There you are.
There's music from the show.
Thank you, Marnie.
Nice meeting you.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Biff, take this back.
Thank you.
You can sit down.
You're done.
I'm done?
You've already earned your dinner.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
She's very eager to please, isn't she?
Do we have time to play here?
What's your name?
Dan.
Dan?
Yes.
Where are you from, Dan?
Concord, California.
Concord, California?
Concord, California.
That's in like the central part of the state or farther north?
That's the biggest part of California.
That's where all the good people are from.
Concord, yeah.
Intelligent people, smart people.
Let me take a guess here, Dan.
Modern dance?
Yes.
Really?
Yeah.
What do you do for a living?
I play professional football for the 49ers.
Is that right?
I'm not sure.
What did you play?
I played from 60 to 67 with the 49ers and then New Orleans the last two years.
68, 99.
That's when things are much tougher, wasn't it?
I know, sir.
What position did you play?
I played defensive end.
Defensive end.
Defensive end.
Defensive end.
Defensive end.
And glory days?
Did you get to the big show at all in those years?
No, we didn't quite make it.
We were close.
What was the team you were on that had the best record?
What was the best record of that team?
I think our 60 team.
The first year I played there.
How'd you go?
We played 12 games that time and I think we were like eight and four.
Eight and four is not bad.
Good for you.
What do you do now?
Well, right now I just had both my knees replaced.
Oh, so now this is football.
And by the way, this is modern dance.
Listen to what this man is doing.
Listen to what this man is doing.
Listen to what this man is doing.
Listen to what this man is doing.
Listen to what this man is doing.
Listen to what this man is doing.
wisdom tooth removed. So I know I know where you're coming from.
Let's send him to dinner. What do you want to do Dan? Here we go we got the Smith and
Walenskis over there get yourself some meat. We got the the the Mark I don't
think about that dinner for two. Victor is Cuban what do you think? What do you
want? Whatever he thinks right. I think Smith and Walensky for a guy like you.
There you are sir. Congratulations on your new name. Nice meeting you. There's the CD. Thank you. There you go.
Alright. I got a job for Montana. Oh really? And I got a ticket. How are you? Nice to see you. Yeah I get a ticket. No speed limits I get a ticket. You figure that out.
We'll be right back with the lovely Helen Hunt. Thanks Dan.
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How are you doing ladies and gentlemen? Paul Schaefer and Paul Schaefer marrying it.
What a show tonight. Helen Hunt.
Listen to this show. It's it's babes night here on the Late Show. We have Helen Hunt the beautiful the lovely the talented the award winning Helen Hunt.
And then you have Courtney Love.
Look at this. Here's Helen Hunt right on the cover of Bizarre. How about that.
Get any better than I don't think so.
Look at this lovely ring I'm wearing here. Let me see that. Dan from California. Dan who had both knees replaced. Look made that ring made that ring out of a dollar bill. Look how beautiful. Hey that's cool. That's a dollar bill.
That's that's the thing with Dan. He's off his feet because he had knees replaced and he comes up with something to do. He makes jewelry. This is as nice as anything you see on the home shopping network.
A lot of people laid up like that in front of the TV. You know what time is Zorro coming on. I just I just wrapped this up because frankly I'm getting sick at talking about this but last week I had oral surgery like.
My face exploded over the weekend. I couldn't leave the house and the pain was unbelievable for like four or five days and I continued to do the show and a lot of people are Regis Philbin would not have done the show.
Rosie nobody. I continued.
Nice.
I continued to do the show because you know where am I going to go and but it was serious pain and everybody thought I was being a baby. I know you thought it all. No it was really pain. This is the kind of pain it was.
You can demonstrate this pain at your house right this very minute. Get an ice pick. Yeah.
Or a screwdriver go to the stove. Heat it up.
Heat it up till it glows. You understand what I'm saying. Yeah. Then jam it under your kneecap.
That's what it felt like. Leave it there for about 20 minutes because at first it won't bother you. I see.
That's the kind of pain this was. I went to the dentist twice and everybody's well just the way it goes. That's how it happens. And I said it was elective surgery. Well that's just the way it goes.
The guy thought OK one or two things either it's infected. That would have been my favorite.
Or the dry sock dry sock a dry socket which is so I don't know some sand and gravel finds its way into your jaw bone.
I go last night. It was not a dry sock. It was not infected. The guy looks at it. He says well let me remove the stitches.
Ten minutes later the pain was gone. Adios. You're kidding.
That's great.
No pain.
You like them. It was an elective procedure. I'm very happy that the pain is gone because I'll tell you something right now. I was this close this close to naming names.
I was ready to put people out of business.
Let's get on with the show. We got a big show. How are you feeling? Marvelous. I can hardly wait to see this.
The other thing I'm upset about the know your current events is not supposed to be a damn talent show. Well there was no current events I noticed.
It's not her fault. No no. I'm not saying it's her fault. She was great.
Last week we had somebody playing the piano. That's right. We had that guy from Florida playing the piano this week. Yeah.
We got a woman dancing. Well we got to change all this because know your current events. That's not how it got to be America's fastest growing quiz center.
Last week there were at least some questions about current events. I know. This week we had nothing. We were just giving away dinner. There was no game.
We were just cancel the show and pass out dinner to the folks in the lobby. You know what else?
I like to have a tie to go with that. Isn't that nice?
First I guess not only Star is in but also co-wrote. Listen. Not only Star is in. Are you listening? Yes. I'm with.
Co-wrote and directed the final episode of Mad About You which airs May 24th at 9pm. Here is the lovely multi-talented Helen Hunt ladies and gentlemen.
Did you see that beauty?
Sparkle off of this ring. Are we going to get married? Come on. Let's get married right now.
Let me just get this off. That's what everybody says. I'd marry you but I can't get the ring. Here we go. Here we go. Where do you want it?
Let's get married. Come on. Alright. Well you got a thing. Well I know but he'll understand.
Busting up a marriage. Here we go. I do by the way. Oh thank you. Sure. Okay.
Well let's get back to the hotel. Get us some room service champagne and high ho.
It's our honeymoon now. This is so nice. It's a honeymoon show. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you?
Have you ever had the oral surgery? I've had knee surgery. Really? Oh good God. The guy down there, Dan, he had both of them done. Is that what you had done?
I remember waking up from my knee surgery and you're sort of back in this anesthesia way back and you hear them going Helen wake up.
Okay I guess I should come. Here I come and they say and you feel the pain start to come up in your knee and they say we want to give you some painkiller. Rate your pain from 1 to 10.
What? Ow. What? Ow. What? Rate your pain. That's a high coo. Give me more pain. Yeah that's crazy. That's horrible.
What have they done? Did they scope you? Is that what it was? They scoped me. You had cartilage problems? I had some mystery knee thing that has since gone away.
Was it one of those ACL deals or something like that? No I can't. They ultimately didn't even know what it was. It was from standing up I think on a sitcom sound stage for a long time.
Oh I smell a lawsuit. I smell a lawsuit. And now you get half of it. And how long ago did this take place? This was like 3 years and now I'm right as rain.
Oh good for you. I had no idea. But that's like life. You get to ask around and everybody's got their story. Like that poor woman there is from Moab.
That's her surgery. That's right. Hasn't she suffered enough? Well I don't know. We're at a crossroads here. We're at a turning point.
Because we're married now you mean? Yes sir. I know it's all different now. The nagging begins. No don't say that. I've been through that. I've been in that movie.
I know how that goes. But now the Mad About You show is going away after 7 years. Which by the way is longer than most things survive on television.
I never would have thought when I started this. I thought it would be this little show that people would like and then it would go away. And 7 years later we have a...
It goes like this doesn't it? It's wild. Thank you.
And it's finished. You've done the last episode. Yes. There's Monday night at 9. Our final show is sort of like a little movie.
And because it was so new for us and so difficult to pull off, which you'll understand when you see it, it was more like a beginning than an ending. Everybody was working real hard.
Was it very emotional when that was all finished? Because this has been your family. This is like your home for 7 years. It was. We all loved each other.
And working on this show was sort of like living in a small town. We work in this little studio and the guard at the gate always smiles at me and my dog as we come on the lot.
And the commissary guy knows what I like for breakfast. What do you like for breakfast? I like a couple of eggs over medium. Really? Toast? Yeah.
Sourdough toast. A little butter. You better know that now. Yeah, I'm getting it. I'm making a mental note. I'm hoping tomorrow morning you'll be there.
Don't you worry, honey. I tell you something, you're going to need breakfast.
Oh, my goodness. Gracious. You're going to turn for the ugly here, ain't it? No. Okay, hang on. I want to hear more about this and I'll have other lewd things to say.
Okay. We'll be right back. Harvey Lund can just finish this deal up and we can get out of here. Yes, sir. We're right back.
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Mr. and Mrs. Helen Hunt.
And we discussed this, that you co-wrote and directed. So this is, and also starred in the thing, this is a lot of work. Victor Levin and Paul Reiser and I wrote it. I was Paul, by the way. Was Paul going to do now that the show is finished? I think we're all looking forward to a nice big vacation. That's good. Well, you deserve it.
So anyway, so you co-wrote the show and you direct. Do you know how to direct? You don't know how to direct, do you? No. I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, I mean, I hope so. You'll see.