Here are the findings. First off, Mr. McGuire plays in a place called Bush Stadium.
And not only did he take the drug, Andrastein Dion, he once snorted it off Marge Schott's
ass.
In addition, we have illegally recorded tapes of Mr. McGuire referring to himself as the
only real American in the home run race.
And evidence that he once employed Sammy Sosa as an illegal nanny.
In college, Mr. McGuire once experimented with being a switch hitter.
And he once dated a girl with artificial turf.
I don't know what that means, but it sounds dirty, we went with it.
In the privacy of his home, Mr. McGuire has been known to put donuts on his back.
And the only reason he pointed to the stands after his 61st hummer was an attempt to secretly
signal Monica Lewinsky that he was going to quote, take her deep.
He also killed Vince Foster and sold satellite technology to the Chinese, stole office supplies
and drank out of the carton with the refrigerator door open.
The only reason he even broke the home run record was because he had a bet with Pete
Rose.
My fellow Americans, it is not enough to be a great hitter.
A ball player must also be a role model to the millions of children who watch his beer
ads.
Therefore I humbly submit my unbiased investigation as funded by the nonpartisan think tank, the
Roger Maris Institute.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Tonight on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, Spouse Model Cindy Crawford, Actor-Comedian
Rob Schneider, Cosmo International Magazine's Helen Gurley Brown and Conservative activist
April Lasseter.
And now, the star of Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher.
Alright, thank you.
Let us meet our final night, conservative actress and former Age of the House majority
whip, April Lasseter.
April, where are you?
Hello young lady, good to see you again.
Thank you very much.
She is the legendary editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan International Magazine.
Her new book is The Writer's Rules.
Helen Gurley Brown.
Hey, what a great pleasure to have you on this show.
Thank you very much.
A Saturday Night Live alumnus.
His films include Judge Dredd, Demolition Man, his new one is Knockoff.
Rob Schneider.
Yeah.
Hey, Screech, go rub it up.
I can't do it.
Alright.
I'm going to have a hard time disagreeing with you now that a Spouse Model, Spouse Model,
she's back in Playboy this month and here on ABC hosting Sex with Cindy Crawford.
That's the name of the show.
Don't get too excited.
Cindy Crawford.
Hey.
Am I still on that show?
You still are.
Oh good.
Okay.
Alright.
Well, as I'm sure you all saw, Ken Starr's report is on the internet today and the salacious
details are there for everyone to see and the big talk now is whether Hillary Clinton
should or maybe will have to come out and defend her husband or else he's going to go
down.
I'm going to have to use some words.
What do you think?
First of all, Bill, I'm just glad there's nothing on it about me.
I'm just, whew.
Unfortunately, there's a lot on it about me on the internet, not in the report.
Right.
I actually, I kind of felt like when Hillary talked last night, in a way, it wasn't her
saying I forgave him, but I felt like she really, she made her stand on how she feels.
She's still proud to be married to him.
Right.
And she introduced him at a democratic function and she was very supportive.
She didn't mention-
Well, of course she's supportive.
She's a political operator and she's going to defend her husband she has from the very
beginning with Jennifer Flowers.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I said that I felt like you already did.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Helen Gurley Brown, if that's your real name.
I think, Bill, I don't mean to speak for everybody here, but I think I'm pretty sure that I'm
the only expert here because I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy who's slept with an intern
here.
So, if I may, speaking from experience-
First you gave presents to the host, prezzies, and now you're bragging.
Exactly.
I mean, what do you do with somebody like you?
I don't know.
But I just think that-
I'm sure there was a point to this, though, right?
There was.
I have had sex with an intern.
He said it.
Oh, right.
Okay.
And-
That's my point, Cindy.
Okay, now-
If I can continue.
You're off-jumped.
You're mad.
I'm not like a Rhodes Scholar like Bill Clinton, so I mean, he had much more intelligent sex
with an intern than I had.
I'm sure he was able to be more creative because I went to community college.
He's a Rhodes Scholar.
But I didn't have her commit fellatio to a cigar.
But then again, he's much more creative than I am.
But my point is-
I just hope it didn't inhale again.
That's all I have.
Yeah.
What is my point?
I don't know.
You were going somewhere.
There, I said it.
You know whatever answers your question, Fred.
But, right.
The question was, should Hillary make a statement, and will she make a statement, and when she
will make a statement, because-
My thought is that she's already made the statement, as you said.
She is supportive.
No, that's not going to help enough to save his ass.
But I think it's not-
I don't think it's comparable when she says, I've forgiven him, therefore you should forgive
him.
That's a personal matter.
She's forgiven him about the other girls.
We know that.
But the country and Hillary are two different things.
That's a man-woman thing between them.
And I forgive him, for heaven's sake.
I'm sick that this whole thing has happened to him, to the country, to her, to all of
this is total garbage.
But he's got to come out.
I'm so angry about the whole thing.
All right.
But-
You know what, though?
If I can interrupt, Ellen.
Shut up.
I can interrupt, Ellen.
You can't interrupt anyone.
He needs to come back out.
He needs- Clinton needs to come back out.
He needs to go back on TV and do what he does best.
Lie again.
He should come back out and wave that big Arkansas finger at his and say, I take back
my confession.
And once again, I never had sex with that Lewinsky woman.
And then you'll see the opinion polls go right back up.
Deny, deny, deny.
We got to take a break.
We'll be right back.
All right.
I need to be in the Los Angeles area and would like free tickets to Politically Incorrect.
Call 323-575-4321.
All right.
Well, we're talking about the president's troubles.
We have Helen Gurley Brown here.
I would be remiss not to ask, do you think Monica Lewinsky is a Cosmo girl?
I mean, she went after what she wanted.
She wouldn't fit in the bikini on the covers.
I'll tell you that.
That's true.
Okay.
That's true.
If Monica Lewinsky- I know, but coming from what?
If Monica Lewinsky looked like Cindy Crawford, we wouldn't be talking about this right now.
America would have forgiven a long time ago.
Now, I consider that a very serious question.
Is she a Cosmo girl?
First, we have to say, what is a Cosmo girl?
And that's somebody who loves men and she loves children, but she doesn't want to get
her identity from somebody else.
Well, Monica did start out with a job, so I guess she was a Cosmo girl in that respect,
but she's getting her identity from Bill Clinton.
A different job.
I don't like that.
I would not- I wouldn't be a phony.
I don't want to start being one now and say that she shouldn't have done what she did
with the president.
I mean, there are lots of young women out there who would have done what she did if
they'd been given the opportunity.
Nobody asked.
And I'm taking a look at the report.
Apparently, you're right.
And, but, we're- so I don't think every affair that you have has to be with a man you're
going to marry and live with the rest of your life.
So that's that department.
But where she is not a Cosmo girl, she's got the creepiest girlfriend that ever happened.
Yes.
And no-
I agree.
No real Cosmo girl would have a girlfriend like Linda Trey.
Oh, stop.
Every- women hate each other.
We've said that on this show.
Women hate each other.
Yes, of course they do.
That is not true.
That's real truth.
Oh, please.
They all hate you.
I don't hate you.
See, she doesn't hate me right here.
I don't hate her.
She's actually prettier in person than she is.
No.
Yes, she is.
That's real true.
That is not what you said back there.
I'm just kidding.
I don't- I mean, I agree that that's the story that to me wasn't reported on was like how
awful it was.
What that friendship said about friendship between women to me was like such a bad message.
I mean, I really felt violated by that to think that a young woman, I think she befriended
this person in this woman's tape recording phone calls.
I mean, that's-
Or the phone calls.
You have liars and tapes and-
Okay, whatever.
I have not studied the reports like you have.
I want to go back to the question though about whether or not Monica Lewinsky is a Cosmo
girl because I've read quite a bit of your writing, Sex and the Single Girl, and I am
aware of the fact that you encourage women to use sex as a weapon.
I don't, I don't.
You have a-
It's a quotation-
Why do I keep jumping up and down?
I can't-
It's a quotation in your book.
It is.
I hope- you know what?
I hope women use sex as a weapon and I hope they stab me with it.
Right here.
Okay, well you heard it here on Cosmo's Run.
I know you did.
I know.
The problem I have with the Cosmo philosophy is I think it encourages women to go out there
and be Spice Girls and I thought that the whole idea of Women's Lib was to allow women
to compete alongside of men, not on top of them.
I agree.
You know, my problem with Cosmo-
I think that's what you're advocating.
Okay, if I can just-
You're talking about that.
My problem with Cosmo is I think it should be more nudity in there.
I'm thinking go for it.
Well maybe, maybe you-
Don't say that.
Maybe Rob, you and Helen could get together and write the sitcom sequel Women Behaving
Badly.
I want to make my-
Alright.
I want to make my-
I have an idea for you.
I want to make- shush!
Okay, I'll be-
This is the only way to get-
No, we defer to Ms. Vance.
I want to make my statement about sex, which is that it's wonderful and luscious.
I've always said it's one of the three best things there are.
I don't know what are the other two.
But we have never told Cosmo women to go out there and use sex.
We have said be smart, be charming, be wonderful.
And if you have to-
If you have to get on top of your boss to get ahead, then go for it.
That's what you're saying.
No, no, no, no.
No, but they don't say it.
They don't say that.
The only way to get ahead is to be smart and to do a good job.
And you may sleep your way to the middle.
No, you are not asking women to be-
You can sleep your way to the middle, but you can't sleep your way to the top.
I never thought I would have to defend Helen Gurley Brown.
But here I go.
Now I've read Cosmo because it's, you know, it's my girlfriend house.
I don't look at the pictures.
I go write the pictures.
I read the articles.
She never says sleep with somebody to get ahead.
But they hint at it.
Not in Cosmo.
They do.
They hint at it.
They do more than hint.
They do?
Yes, absolutely.
To me, the Cosmo philosophy is because you're a female, all moral bets are off and you can
do whatever-
That is so untrue.
That is so-
Helen-
But there is Helen.
There are some women in there that are, that one, for instance.
I got a copy right here.
We'll get to it.
We got to take a commercial.
Okay.
All right.
We're talking about Cosmo.
Now, Helen, I brought this.
I did this issue once before from this magazine because I do read Cosmo.
I need to know how the enemy thinks.
Okay.
Now, this is called the most delicious revenge stories.
And it talks about women getting revenge on men.
And what really bothered me is that it all, the Muslims sort out to get back at my ex-boyfriend
for breaking up with me.
In other words, that's the only crime.
People broke up.
Okay?
That-
It doesn't say how they broke up.
And that's the unwritten part of this story.
Okay.
But still, you know, if you read these things, they're crimes these people are committing.
I put super glue in the driver's side door lock.
And fish in the wheel, as it said, or something like that.
Fish in the wheel.
I sent to his new wife and told her I was her ex-husband's mistress and attached a note
that we were to be married as soon as his divorce came through.
Every time I meet a man, he asked me for my number.
I would give my ex's phone number and his new girlfriend's name.
These are things, if a man do it, they would arrest you for stalking.
They would throw you in jail.
We got him drunk, took pictures of him naked.
Can you imagine if we did that to a woman?
I have done that and I feel awful.
I was just going to say, when I said you were a nice, soft boss.
I called the airline and canceled the reservation, posing as his wife.
I mean, this is what-
You don't suppose that any of that is just fun and games.
Do you think all those women really did those terrible things?
When I was-
Yes.
So the reader's supposed to think that it's fiction.
But I also think as a woman, I didn't enjoy reading that because-
It's not funny.
It's not.
Actually, there were some funny ones in there.
But I don't definitely-
Yeah.
I mean, it kind of sets women on a different playing field.
Yeah.
Well, it portrays them as being Thelma's and Louise's and it sets them up as heroes
because they commit these crimes.
Or that our whole lives are wrecked over a guy breaking up with us.
Absolutely.
We have to scheme and plot for three months.
Yeah.
As if all our worth is in a man, which is exactly what you say you're trying to get
away from.
Exactly.
That's why you get the back of the man who's been bad to you.
He does it to himself.
He'll be rotten to some other person.
Life does it to that person.
You don't have to get revenge.
But that's not what you're saying.
So that kind of article is just-
Fluff.
Fun.
But it's not fluff.
But it's not fun.
But it's not fun.
Helen, it's absolutely advocating a series of revenge tactics and saying it's delicious.
Now the readers are going to have to try to top that to make the next year the most delicious
revenge.
I think it's fun as long as it's not happening to you.
Am I right?
You're right.
Exactly.
I think it's fun as long as it's not really happening, and I doubt if any of those-
Enough to be taken by the story.
I am.
I'm very impressed.
He is.
But you can't read.
That's a good idea.
Other than that, if I could, I'd be out there.
Let me say that this magazine was edited by my successor, Bonnie Fuller, and I might not
have printed that article.
On the other hand, when I was there, we had articles about delivering 400 orders to his
door of pizza from the pizza parlor, and he has to pay for it.
He's stuck with it.
That old stick.
That old stick.
I stuck that long ago.
I'm not beyond doing naughty things either.
That's a pretty dumb pizza parlor.
The only ones that really don't- The ones you want to read.
Hey, I want to-
400 pizzas.
Will you bring them over here?
Yeah, 42nd Street, Apartment 3B.
Yes, 400.
Is this Mrs. Gurley Brown?
All right, we'll be right over.
Helen told me to call.
But don't you think that there's a double standard going on here that women in this
magazine, and I do read it, it seems like they're advocating that women can get away
with things that if a man did it, would not be okay.
That would be totally antithetical to my own philosophy, and if that's going on in
Cosmo a little bit, doesn't have anything to do with me.
I think men and women are totally equal in every way.
But it's silly to think that there is not double standards.
I think that men are just as, you're just as emotional, both of you, as April and Cindy
and I are.
Easy.
Oh, I don't know.
Easy.
And therefore to say that there's a huge-
I'm not sure about that.
I was debating.
To say that there's a huge double standard.
Why do we have to be-
Yeah, or not, there's a difference between equal and same though.
I mean, I'm sure I'm more emotional than Bill.
Yes.
I doubt it.
I'm sure that I have-
I doubt it, and I doubt we can be that intimate.
I think she's right.
Why do we have to be equal in every way?
Why can't we-
We don't, and we're not.
Why can't some of us be better at some things?
Oh, of course we're all good at some things and not good at other things.
I'm just saying that men and women are not that different in terms of how we feel and
think and hurt and love and therefore-
You're right.
I agree with that.
I was going to wear those earrings earlier too.
I'm so glad you didn't finish.
I don't think now that there's much feeling that women have advantages because we're women
and men have advantages because they're men.
I think that all kind of went bye-bye.
I think you have an advantage if you're healthy, if you're smart, if you work hard.
Maybe for you, Ellen, but there's still the average woman.
I don't mean to speak for women here, God knows, but they make less than men across
the board.
It's funny, I'm in the only profession in the world, I think.
There's probably another-
You're right.
An ancient profession where women make more than men.
That's going to change, lady.
No.
All right.
We've got to take a break.
Again.
You're going to have to come back over to the table for more of The Bill's Show.
You've got to take a break.
Thank you.
We got to take a break.
Thank you for coming back.
Next, we'll be Joe Rivers, Naomi Wolf, Eric Frayden, and Dr. Jerome Levin.
All right, besides the Ken Star Report, the other big video release this week was Titanic
came out on video, and let me ask you this.
Now when the chip went down in 1912, there was no question women went before men into
the lifeboat that was then I'm asking okay now today even still that women
should go for it is not dead I hope I mean sometimes I question it I agree in
theory but in actuality I think you know if somebody would trip and fall near
lifeboat and end up in a lifeboat I think he's gonna blame them for that
you've definitely thought this out glad but there was a social contract then
where women were considered the weaker sex and we're the weaker sex yeah I mean
I'm just sore what I'm not a weaker sex absolutely I don't know I don't know what
today if that would happen I don't think that the women and I don't think they
have as much time we had like an hour and a half children yes okay they're
really small yes you're watching ABC