I'm Bill Maher. You may know me as a talk show host, but tonight I'd like to talk to you in my capacity as spokesman for the National Council on Sperm.
In the last few months, I'm sure a lot of you have learned a lot more about sperm than you really ever wanted to know.
Whether it's the alleged evidence that may bring down President Clinton or the comical substance in Cameron Diaz's hair.
More people than ever are talking. Talking about sperm.
When you toss in George Michael and Viagra, we're going to look back on 1998 as the year of sperm.
But are you getting the whole story? Now, I don't mind when sperm is placed under a microscope.
But I take offense when sperm gets smeared in the press.
Sperm is no laughing matter. I don't mean to gush, but I like to believe we're in the people business.
When you think about it, sperm is you and me. In convenient liquid form.
Billionaire Bill Gates was one sperm, as were astronaut John Glenn and the poet Maya Angelou.
Remember, what you see as an embarrassing stain on a dress, we see as millions of Americans who bravely gave their lives to their country.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm not saying we need to be stroked, but give sperm a little credit.
You made a hero out of Princess Diana, but we're the ones who actually made it through a long, dark tunnel.
God bless you good night and God bless sperm. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, magician Ben Gillette, actor John Cryer, TV personality Kennedy, and Everclear's Art Alexakis.
And now, the star of Politically Incorrect, Bill Maher.
Alright, let's bring our panel. One of the stars of Pretty in Pink and Partners, his new series is getting personal, John Cryer.
John, there you are. Good to see you back, young man.
Glad to be back.
She's at work on a book called Hey Ladies in the Spoken Word series called The Spitfire Tour. Kennedy!
Hi, sweetheart. Always good to see you.
His band is Everclear. Their huge CD is so much for the afterglow. He's Art Alexakis. Art!
Nice to meet you. I'm enjoying this.
And his latest special, Penn and Teller's Spin City Spectacular, premiered this week on FX. I'm an upcoming guest on it, Ben Gillette.
Ben! They love you.
Okay. Well, as I'm sure everyone is aware of, this weekend is the first weekend of the rest of President Clinton's life.
Oh, God.
Because his long-awaited deposition is Monday. Everyone is breathless. What is he going to say? Let me just throw it up into this panel.
What should he say? What is your advice to the President? What should he say? What do you think he will say?
Lie, lie, lie like a rug.
Seriously, you think he'll stick with the story?
I think he's just going to stick with the story.
It's served him well so far.
It's what he does. He doesn't tell the truth. He evades. It's for the moment. It's for now. It's going to resolve itself. He should tell the truth. I think people are going to forgive him.
I think he should tell the truth also. I'm going to side with Art on this.
I'm hoping for suicide in a live TV. I'm hoping for it. I'm hoping he just says, I can't live with myself anymore. 44 Magnum.
And we get to see, you know, wouldn't that be cool?
I mean, I'm going to side with you all. Wouldn't that be boss?
I remember when I was a kid, the President blew his brains out. He was wrong. He knew it. He blew his brains out.
Sorry, Monica.
You look so boss because the color definition is so much better now.
This is selfish. I know. It's selfish.
There's one hole in your theory, which is that it's not on live TV.
Oh, that's right.
And also, he is...
I'll take it back. I was wrong.
He's giving us...
We still have the tape. They broadcast it.
No, no, no. His testimony is by videotape right to the grand jury. He's not leaving the White House.
Isn't that a mistake? Don't you think he would do much better if he went into the jury room and met these people?
He's so good at murdering people, man. He gets eye contact. He does this little thing.
He gets everything.
He gets chin quiver.
I don't understand why he's not doing it. There's got to be some reason. He's not a stupid man.
He may be afraid of committing adultery during the questioning.
Yes.
But they said it's going to be too demeaning for a president to walk into a grand jury and sit through all those questions.
And the shot of him walking into the courtroom, that'll just be burned on the minds of Americans forever, much like the Zapruder film.
So what they're thinking is...
Along those lines, yeah.
I've heard of yours, I'm sure.
Oh, yeah. Talk about masturbation material.
Oh, jeez.
Isn't this Bud Dwyer in Pennsylvania? We have footage we could use more.
I think even the grand jury testimony, I bet if he blows his brains on a video, I can get it for you.
I can get it for you within 48 hours.
On the Internet.
Yeah, I have it on the Internet.
But I bet I can get it for you personally within 48 hours.
Do you think the videotape will be available afterward, like the Tommy Lee and Pamela thing?
I'm still working on it. He masturbates to it.
So beyond...
Stuck on that graphic.
Yeah, I thought I was there.
I mean, it's like any autopsy photo, that videotape has to become available. At some point, they're not just going to destroy it, are they?
Well, that's another reason why you should do it in person. No tape.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, what's amazing to me is that this grand jury thing has been like a sieve the whole time.
I mean, every bit of information we have, we're not supposed to have. Every single bit.
You're right. A grand jury is supposed to be secret and protect the person accused.
Yes.
It has served the opposite effect here.
Absolutely.
Well, I think the one thing he should not say to this grand jury is, it's hard to explain. Let me show you.
Alright, we'll come back in a minute. We've got to take a break.
We'll be right back.
Well, turning to something that is not nearly as giggly and very serious, last week was another week where we heard about kids killing kids.
The two in Jonesboro, Arkansas were sentenced and also in Chicago.
Good little bastards.
What's that?
Those children are evil. They are the spawn of the devil.
I think they need to be destroyed immediately.
No, they're not the spawn of the devil. They're just bad people.
Oh, that's right. You hate God, so there can be no devil if there's no God.
I'm not a big fan of either. I'm not superstitious.
Are you saying we should execute kids then?
That's another one where last week someone asked me that and I was like, oh yeah, just kill the little bastards.
And then you realize that children aren't so emotionally developed that they realize what human life really is. They don't respect it as much.
I disagree.
I say we give them a time out. You know, just maybe put in a couple of tapes, you know, some Al Jarreau, something nice.
Do you think they should be executed?
I think we have to stop being squeamish about killing children, yes.
Well, you know, if they're going to start killing other children.
Is anyone else here a parent?
No.
Okay.
Not that I know of.
I've enjoyed fooling my body into thinking I'm entering the gene pool.
And we're all behind you on that too. But seriously.
I'm a parent. I can't look at anything else except as a parent, especially when children are concerned.
One of the mothers and one of the boys said, yeah, I know what my son did. He admitted to me what he did.
I look at him and I see my baby. Okay? I can't ignore that.
You can't tell me that a five-year-old doesn't stand a better chance to rehabilitate than an 18-year-old or a 16-year-old or a 14-year-old who's been conditioned, who's been socialized.
Well, I disagree with that.
Well, I think.
Well, if they're going to kill at seven, what are they going to do at 20?
A five-year-old can't even read yet. What are you talking about?
Well, we're not talking about a five-year-old. It's a six-year-old.
Well, I'm talking about a five and a seven-year-old. That's a child.
No, no, no. Not the ones in Chicago. They were a little older than that.
No, they were eight, I think.
No, what is killing them accomplish?
Well.
It's not a deterrent. I mean, it's a deterrent to them again.
I disagree with that too.
But when you're a kid, you feel you're immortal until your first motorcycle accident. They're not going to think.
That's the breaking point.
They're not going to think that, oh, I'm going to be killed so I won't do this.
It's just sexier to say, oh, and I'm going up against the man, and if I get caught, I'll be killed.
I don't think that. I didn't have any perception of fear of death.
You joked when you were 15 that you'd be dead by the time you were 30. We all did.
I don't think that fear of death makes any difference to people under 18 at all.
So it's not a deterrent. It's just this revenge.
Do you believe in the death penalty for anybody?
I'm not a big revenge guy. I believe that you can stop people from doing stuff.
I disagree.
If you can stop people from doing stuff, just stop them. The eye for an eye thing, I don't go for.
I have a real hard time because I think we have a hard time trusting the government to get our mail to us on time, yet we'll trust them to kill people occasionally.
Well, we also trust them to rehabilitate people, and prisons don't do that.
Well, leave them in there forever.
What about a good old fashioned pee room if you legalize drugs?
There we go. We got to figure it out.
So you don't want to give it to the government? You want a good old fashioned stoning?
No, no, no. I just think that killing...
What do you do if you don't kill them? What do you do?
I think you just keep them in jail forever. I'm fine with that.
Then is this a country club? Jail's like, oh great, free food. Country club? Have you been in prison?
When's the last time you were in prison, John?
Well, I actually shot a movie.
Well, I've been in jail.
It's no country club.
Especially if you commit a really heinous crime, the moment you go into circulation, the moment you go into the community, your life is negligible.
Men in prison look better than men in West Hollywood. They're toned, they're educated.
You've got to stop watching Oz. You've got to stop watching Oz.
Because that came out earlier.
That's silly. I mean prison is awful. Just awful.
Go to city jail for the night. That sucks.
And if you're fed...
Fed?
Well, you've got your little clicks. I mean prison is not the worst place you would go.
You've got your special...
This is Igor. I'm his bit. I mean, what do you mean, clicks?
It's all a matter of trying to survive.
That's an interesting...
Yes, if they're kept there.
Yeah, then they don't kill anybody else. What do we care?
Except for the people in prison.
What joy do you get out of killing people? Why shouldn't they?
It's not a matter of getting joy.
What plus is there?
You're not going to solve anything by killing children. I understand where you're coming at.
There is a dividing line. And I think every case needs to be looked at.
A 14 year old who's killed two people or three people...
Yeah, but what about 14 year olds that kill so many people and then at 18 they're just free?
What could you possibly learn in prison?
I think a five year old or a seven year old or an eight year old...
But what are they going to turn into if that's what they are already?
If they're so imbalanced and deranged that that's what they do to a girl...
And it wasn't an accident. They didn't push her off her bicycle.
No, it was premeditated. They sexually abused her and they put twigs in her mouth.
And the other ones opened fire in the schoolyard on their classmates and their teacher.
And they knew what they were doing.
That's a different case though.
It's murder.
It's premeditated murder. It was an accidental murder.
I agree, but when you're a parent... Look, I believe in the death penalty, but look at it from this perspective.
When you're a parent, you see such a difference between the ages of four and five and five and six and six and seven.
There is so much that can happen in those years.
And the ages I read in the paper were five and seven.
No, no, no. They were all in that. They were like eight and nine.
Maybe they just factored it out.
This rash of school shooter.
They're not babies. They're not poodles.
I mean, these aren't wild animals that just sort of tore at the flesh.
These are kids who wanted to steal, who wanted to sexually assault.
...and saw that the other kids got on TV and they were famous and nothing happened to them.
And they were on the cover of Time and Newsweek.
You don't think it might stop them if...
Are you saying that's the decision? That they say those kids got away with it so I'll shoot someone too?
I absolutely think that's exactly what they think.
But then that's when we disagree.
Because that's it then.
Why is there so many copycat school shootings?
Children are so suggestible and it becomes glamorized.
And all of a sudden it's on a very...
I totally agree, but you have to differentiate between a 14 or a 16 year old and an eight year old.
There is a big difference. You stand a better chance of rehabilitation of an eight year old.
Then they have to come up with a better system of rehabilitation because this system is not working.
I agree.
And I agree you do have to reach kids a lot younger.
And that is the only thing that kids are reachable.
That is the only thing that wouldn't make me say, oh yes, kill them right away, right out of the box.
I'd rather see 18 year old rapists killed.
Our society frowns on spanking and you want to kill kids. What's that about?
Kids are killing kids.
That's our society. I don't agree with that meaning.
We have to take a commercial. We'll be right back.
Hi, you want to join us?
A fortune was being concealed.
What the IRS doesn't know won't hurt.
And revenge...
Don't forget how replaceable you are.
Help me!
...was about to make it all explode.
Ryan Philippi, Salma Hayek, with Nev Campbell and Mike Myers.
54, rated R. Starts Friday, August 28th in theaters everywhere.
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Tony Stewart and Scott Sharp battle it out for the points lead in the Colorado 200 presented by Pep Boys.
Live Sunday at 4 on ABC.
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I'm Bobby.
Bobby.
They have no idea it's gained with bleach.
So she scumped them along in the mud and the dirt and the rain yesterday.
And the mystery detergent got out that stain, huh?
The mystery detergent sure did. I want to know if it's in the stores that I can buy it.
Look at that.
Gee.
Do you use store brands?
I buy the bargain.
What attracted you to the...
Cost.
So what if we told you this is really affordable? Would you switch?
Definitely. It works much better.
It smells fresh. I'm going to definitely switch.
All right. We were talking about kids and the darnedest things they do.
And after the Jonesboro sentencing the other day, one of the parents came out,
marched in front of the cameras like he was anxious to talk to them,
and was all in their face about, you know, I'm taking my kid out of Arkansas.
The justice he got here isn't worth a rabid dog.
And I was like, you know, a little more humility.
What a horrible metaphor.
Your kid killed people. How about a little humility?
And my question is, what about the parents? Should they be punished in any way?
Well, that one should.
I mean, he was just annoying.
Just for grandstand.
Yeah, yeah. And he had that little tremor in his voice.
Arkansas? This is terrible. You know, I was like, get a grip, dude.
What would you do if your child murdered someone?
Yeah.
Well, you know what? I'd smack the hell out of him. That's what I'd do.
No, I've never, I've spent my child twice in my life.
And seriously, what I'd probably do, I don't know what I'd do.
Do you know what you'd do?
I would send my kid off to prison. I would wave as my kid went off to prison.
You know what? I have to tell you something.
You don't have the time.
Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
I love that. That's what I'd say. That's right.
When in doubt with kids, quote Beretta. I agree.
That straightens them up with the parrot and the whole, absolutely.
Actually, they relate to that.
I thought it was Sammy Davis.
Actually, I was going to say maybe that's Sammy.
That's Sammy.
That was Sammy speaking for Beretta.
I think I'm, I don't have children, but I'm so loyal,
I would probably be the guy in front of the camera sticking up for my kid.
I also don't know where you draw the line,
because everybody who does a crime has probably been in some way,
at some time, influenced.
And I think in order to have a justice system,
you have to draw the line, albeit arbitrary, at that individual.
Don't you think parents have a lot of responsibility
because they stopped being parents and they wanted to be pals with their kids?
It was more important to be friends.
Kip Kinkle, the kid in Oregon, he came from a fairly well-adjusted family,
from what you read.
The dad was trying everything.
I can disprove that.
Except, because his kid killed somebody, I think that's not a good thing.
Well, no, there are sociopaths.
There are two sociopaths right in this school's box.
But here's a family, they took him on outings, they sent him to counseling,
they tried everything, they tried activities, they tried mentoring,
they tried all these things, and their kid not only killed them,
went to school with a bunch of kids, with a bunch of guns,
and killed children at his own school after being arrested for having a gun at school.
Which wasn't the gun's fault, by the way.
They also said he had attention deficit disorder and a bunch of other stuff,
and they never owned up to the fact that your kid is just mean and stupid.
That's what attention deficit means.
They can't own up to anything now because they're dead.
Attention deficit is what it does not mean mean.
It doesn't mean he's stupid?
No, that's something that you...
They said that about me, it seemed stupid.
That's what it meant.
It means you were mean and stupid and you didn't pay attention,
and what they did, they put you on speed back then.
It's called riddling.
That's all they did.
They still do. What do you mean back then?
Well, no, they give other drugs now.
Prozac, they give Prozac.
And lithium, I sat and I get killed on a plane on lithium.
Like Flintstone vitamins, right.
It comes in shapes.
And there's still no Betty in Flintstone vitamins, and that's just a shame.
That's the real crime here.
All right, we have to take a commercial. We'll come back.
I'm sorry.
That's all right. Calm down, John.
I, Ben, can help you look at quitting...
Jackie Collins and Cindy Mustiller.
All right, we got a couple of minutes, and it's our last chance before the president testifies to talk about this.
So I just wanted to ask, there was a couple of columns in recent weeks from female columnists saying basically they don't necessarily condone what Clinton has been doing,
or allegedly condoning, or anything like that.
But if they had the chance, they would do it with him, too, because he is the president.
Oh, he's so dirty.
I would do it with him, because he's the president.
I mean, I hate him more than anyone in the world, but that would be a great story.
Would you pass up a chance for a story like that?
Oh, I obviously hate him. He's a scumbag. But I would do that.
But you would have sex with the president?
Oh, sure.
And you're not a...
I'm not a...
I would have sex with the president.
Oh, sure.
And a New York minute and take my Texas time to do it.
And you're not a homosexual?
Oh, not often.
But certainly for that I would be.
I mean, wouldn't you do that?
Well, yes.
You would? Come on. Tell me the truth.
Yes.
Tell me the truth. You're under oath.
Trust me, I wouldn't have sex with him.
You wouldn't say just take it out, let me see.
I wouldn't have sex with him.
Oh, you would, too, Bill.
I would not.
I would hate you if you did and you pulled me off.
I'd say, hey, guess what I did?
Oh, it'd be great. You could dine on that for a week.
Quiet.
He doesn't have enough teeth.
I don't mean literally.
He wouldn't dine on it, where is it been?
Yeah, boy, who's that desperate for a story?
But it's a great story.
It's not just a story.
I'm wearing blue, but I had it dry cleaned.
But my... I had a question.
Is that Navy?
It is.
I think a lot of people have a very short VIP list.
Like, even if they're married, like, hey, you know what?
If Frank Sinatra is gone now, but if he hit on me, honey, you'd have to let me.
Do you think that's fair? Do you think that's right?
And do you have such a list?
Sure, I think everyone should have that list.
My boyfriend gets Oprah.
He does. She's smart, she's charismatic, she's beautiful, and that's as far as it'll go.
No Cameron Diaz, no Gwyneth Paltrow.
You wouldn't mind if you were born...
Ernest Borgner.
I'm good with that.
I actually asked my wife, I got... someone raised this question to me a couple days ago,
and I asked her, and she's like, no one I'd tell you about.
So basically, that kind of scares me.
That means how we've been dealt.
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