From New York, site of the annual Chicago Marathon, it's the late Joe with David Letterman,
tonight Mel Gibson, Victoria's Secret Swimsuit model Leticia Casta, and musical group Bread Step,
the Stahl Schaeffer and the CBS Orchestra, and now, real life David Letterman, David Letterman!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it's Thursday night, my name is Dave Letterman, welcome to the Late Show,
what a great show we have for you tonight.
Hey, by the way, I don't want to bum you kids out as they say on the street, I don't, but I got some bad,
do I have travelers here, folks traveling from a different...
It's always the horn section, yeah, bad news for travelers, Delta, if you fly Delta, you probably know what I'm talking about,
Delta has announced they're discontinuing their Sky Deli sandwiches.
I heard this ladies and gentlemen and I thought to myself, where is the outrage, where?
So now, Delta is saying, don't be alarmed, now they're going to replace their Sky Deli sandwiches with,
you know, either a choice of cheese and crackers or carrots and dip.
You can't, oh no, no, don't kid yourself, you can't have both.
There'll be a section of the plane, cheese and crackers, another section, cheese or dip.
Now, Dallas, sounds like Paul Schaeffer's Super Bowl party, you know what I'm saying, boys?
Speaking of stuff like that, you read in the paper today where fur companies are now going to start putting labels in fur jackets,
inside fur jackets and coats and all kind of fur products, and the label will tell you how that animal, the fur-bearing animal was killed.
And I'm thinking to myself, I wish they would do the same thing with Rupert G's Hello Deli sandwiches.
I know, I know, if you're at home keeping score, something's desperately wrong.
So far I've done the first three jokes about sandwiches, I don't know.
I know you people were expecting something a little more than jokes about deli sandwiches.
But, you know, you do what you can.
Hey, more bad news for New Yorkers, the Brooklyn Bridge, you heard about this, it's falling apart.
The Brooklyn Bridge, yep.
It's in such bad condition, it is no longer a safe place for suicides.
Don't go near that.
So dangerous out there at the Brooklyn Bridge, the rats are wearing hard hats.
Hello.
You know what it is, after we tape every one of these shows, we run it over across town to a focus group,
and they look at it, and then the focus group makes notes on the show, and then with their feedback,
we try to custom tailor the show to make it a blockbuster hit, and more and more we're getting back.
More jokes about sandwiches.
That's what we're doing.
Are you folks enjoying the impeachment trial? How many of you are enjoying it?
A lot of fun.
I'm going to kick out on myself.
It's interesting, you can tell now that our representatives, the boys in the Senate, the boys in Congress, have no clue.
They don't know what the hell to do with this thing.
They don't know, they're making it up every damn day.
They just want the thing to end, they just want it to be over with, and I'm thinking,
you really want to put an end to that impeachment trial, you want to wrap that impeachment thing up in a hurry, put it on CBS.
Bang, it's going like that.
Bang, it's going like that.
By the way, maybe you heard about this, maybe you didn't, CBS is moving from New York City to New Jersey.
At least that's what we're telling Andy Rooney.
Andy Rooney earlier in the day in the Commissary enjoying a sandwich.
What the hell is the matter?
You know, President Clinton is very upset, and I don't blame him.
This guy's had his share of problems, and I don't care whether you think the guy's a great president,
I don't care whether you think he's a bonehead, I don't care what you think of the guy.
He's got some real troubles, and here's what it is.
They've put now, People Magazine doing a big story about Chelsea and her mother, Hillary,
and they've put Chelsea right there on the front page of the cover of People Magazine.
President Clinton is outraged, and you can understand this, because President Clinton is very, very protective.
He has tried very, very hard never to do anything that would embarrass his family.
You can't blame the guy.
I remember when there was first trouble in the White House with the Monica Lewinsky thing,
President Clinton said to Chelsea, he said, come on, Chelsea, let's go downstairs and talk it over a sandwich.
He's a great guy, President Clinton.
In order to distract attention from Chelsea, President Clinton has now,
and I think today, graciously offered to start dating again.
He said, if that's what it takes, I'm their dude, is what he said.
Let's do some deep breathing.
One more.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's Thursday night and what we do each and every Thursday night,
and you've probably heard about it.
I'm sure your local paper has written it up several times.
We go into the audience here at the Ed Sullivan Theater to play, and this is key right here.
There's two keys to life.
One is getting up early on the weekends.
Here's the other key.
We're going to play America's Fastest Growing.
Now listen to what I'm saying.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
We're going to play America's Fastest Growing quiz sensation, Know Your Current Events.
Paul, here we go.
What is your name, please?
Steve.
Steve, where are you from?
Manhattan.
Manhattan, right here in the city.
Born and raised in Manhattan?
Born in Jersey.
Born in New Jersey, and then at what age did you?
They would like to beat you up.
And then at what age did you move across the river?
About 24.
About 24.
Oh, so did you go to school in the area?
Where did you go to school?
Pennsylvania.
Oh, you went to school in Pennsylvania.
See, the story is getting interesting now.
What school in Pennsylvania?
Bucknell University.
Oh, Bucknell.
Tell me about Bucknell.
Is it a small liberal arts college?
Exactly.
What is the enrollment of Bucknell?
About 3,200.
3,200, and is it named for a geographic location, Bucknell Valley, that kind of thing, or is
it named for a guy, Mrs. Harriet Bucknell?
I have no idea.
You have no idea?
You attended school there for four years and it never occurred to you to ask anyone?
Never occurred to me.
Really?
That seems odd.
What did you study there?
Economics.
Economics, I see, and now you're an investment banker.
Is that exactly what you are?
No, I'm not.
What are you doing now?
I work in nightlife.
Nightlife?
Am I the only one here who doesn't know what that means?
I promote clubs.
Oh, actual night clubs.
For a second there I thought it was the name of a television show.
Is it the name of a television show?
Not that I know of.
But see, the crowd just applauded like crazy.
So you're an economist and what's your degree?
Economics.
Economics?
But is it like a bachelor of arts in economy?
Is that what it is?
Okay.
And you work in night clubs doing what?
You're a bouncer.
Come on, who are we kidding?
He's a bouncer, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a tough guy.
Now if a guy like me wanted to go out on the town, say Paul and I were looking to go out,
you know, just for the fun of it, just to, you know, just to burn off some steam, you
know.
Where would be a good place for us to go?
We don't want to get hurt or nothing, you know.
Where would we go, Steve?
The limelight.
Oh, really?
Is that open?
I'm going to have a tax problem.
Aren't they always opening and closing because of taxes?
I think so.
And you work for them?
No, I don't.
You don't work for them?
You just mentioned them just because...
You look like a limelight guy.
I look like a limelight guy.
Is that good?
I take that as a compliment.
Well, this conversation is getting nowhere.
Fast, isn't it?
Okay, here we go, Steve.
If the groundhog had seen its shadow this week, it would have meant six more weeks of
what?
There's a little groundhog right there.
If the groundhog had seen its shadow this week, it would have meant six more weeks of
what?
Wait a minute, Steve.
No, no, no.
Impeachment hearings.
Impeachment hearings.
There you go, Steve.
Dinner for two at Mickey Mantle's.
You know where that is?
Right up there on 57th Street, I think.
Is that where it's nice place?
And there's music from the show, so you can enjoy that.
Nice meeting you.
Thank you very much.
Good luck to you.
You want to play?
What is your name?
Tammy.
I'm sorry?
Tammy.
Tammy is your name.
How do you spell Tammy?
T-A-M-M-I-E.
Oh, wow.
You got a lot of extra letters.
You got a lot of backup letters there in Tammy, because you could have spelled it T-A-M-I,
right?
Oh, why?
Yeah, or T-A-M-Y.
T-A-M-M-Y.
But you chose T-A-M-M-I-E.
Yeah, you got everything you're invited to.
You got the full compliment letters there.
Where are you from, Tammy?
I'm from Brisbane, Australia.
Oh, the land down under.
Brisbane, Australia.
You get a lot of people here from Australia.
You come up and you travel around New York City.
Where else are you going?
I've actually just finished traveling.
I went down to Florida and went to Niagara.
Niagara Falls?
Yeah.
Did you like Niagara Falls?
Yeah, very cold.
But I'm telling you, almost anything, and this country, the United States, is full of
majesty and physical wonder, to be sure, isn't it?
Definitely.
Tales in comparison to the majesty and physical wonder of your home country, Australia, doesn't
it?
I don't think I would say it's a stone's-pot in a room full of Americans.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm trying to say, Australia is a land of uncommon beauty, is what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, you got to... For example, Brisbane, what part of the country is Brisbane located?
Brisbane is sort of midway.
Right in the middle there?
Yep.
Is it near Ayers Rock, Alice Springs?
It's not near it.
There's Alice Springs in Texas.
Yeah, that's right.
So you're out there, are you near the outback?
No, I'm right along the coastline.
Oh, right along... Oh, the east coast.
Oh, the west coast is where Perth is, right?
Yeah, the west coast is where Perth is.
All right, now let me ask you a question.
Yes.
Have you ever seen a dingo?
No.
You know, it's here, Mel Gibson is on the server.
I know.
Is that why you're here, just to see Mel Gibson?
Basically, yeah.
Oh, well, I'm... What the hell with you then, honey?
We're playing... I'm done talking to you.
We're playing the game now.
I don't need that.
There's two, oh, for two here tonight.
Dan Quayle says, you'll probably be running for what office?
There's Dan Quayle right there, a fellow Hoosier.
Oh, this, I don't even get this joke.
Oh, this will be good.
Let's see if anybody else gets this joke.
Didn't somebody look at these?
I'm begging you, look at this stuff.
Count the names on the crawl.
We got a thousand people working here.
Nobody could look at this stuff before the show.
It'd be a good job for you, right, if you weren't an accountant?
It's a real test of man and machine, this joke right here.
Dan Quayle says, you'll probably be running for what office?
There's Dan Quayle right there.
Says, you'll probably be running for what office?
I'm not up with American posted.
Makes no difference.
There's no bearing on this joke.
You could be Chinese, you wouldn't get this joke.
That big guy in charge of stuff thing.
Can I see the names, please?
You didn't look at these?
Yes.
God almighty.
Come on, Biff.
He's going to dinner.
Biff Henderson, he's going to send you to dinner.
Biff, are you all right?
You all right, Biff?
That inner ear thing kicking up again?
You all right?
Okay.
I'd like to see Mel Gibson buy you dinner for two.
Oh man, this is pretty good.
You're going to 21.
That's great.
You're going to 21.
There you go.
That's the music, too.
Have a nice trip.
Is that it?
There you go.
Those are yours.
Please.
Pat, could we get a temp?
Could we get a temp for like an intern to look at the stuff before we go on the air?
Look right back, ladies and gentlemen, Mel Gibson.
Coming up on The Late Show, the pie's the limit.
You know what time it is?
That fool.
See you at the party, you know, and Vicky, you know Vicky.
Alien abduction shouldn't keep you out past your curfew.
Now this is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me.
Oh, no doubt.
To all B. Patty special sauce.
Sing it with me, son.
Lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on the side of the sweet pie.
Oh, that's some fries, too.
Did somebody say McDonald's?
Now through Valentine's Day, Zales has a great selection of diamond heart pendants.
Like this half-carat pendant, just $1.99, at Zales stores nationwide.
Or shop online at zales.com.
On video February 9th, bring home the film Everybody Digs.
Gene Siskel calls Ants one of the year's top ten films.
You to Ants.
And Jeffrey Lyons calls Ants Mesmerizing, unlike any film you've ever seen.
Oh, but it's the only dig you would so much find.
Ants, in stores everywhere February 9th.
Fernanda and Lisa just clicked, so they loaded up their Ford Expedition
and got back to doing what they loved.
Answering the call of the wild.
I lost them.
And they unleashed the beast of their own.
That big 5.4 liter Triton V8.
And you thought Little Red Riding Hood got a close look.
Ford Expedition.
Ford Tough.
For incredible savings, just look for the latest money saving coupon book from Bi-Mart.
Food Saver storage containers in a variety of sizes are all 40% off the everyday low price.
Stock up and save on Ralston cereals like Frosted Flakes and Race and Brand.
They're $2 for $3 with your Bi-Mart bonus coupon.
Make cleanup easy with Mardi Gras paper towels.
The free roll package is only $1.67 when you use your Bi-Mart coupon.
Cash in on the savings, but hurry.
Coupon prices end Sunday at Bi-Mart.
Best Marts of this morning.
Kymah Television knows what you need to start your day.
Wake up with Kymah News this morning and see why there's more to this morning.
Local police say they're going to continue to fight crime.
We know you're in a hurry and it's a race to get caught up.
And that's why Kymah News this morning is all you need to start your day.
The address for more news, more weather, more of what you need to wake up to.
Kymah News this morning.
If you think this baby's in danger, it's nothing compared to what can happen as early as the third week of pregnancy.
When birth defects of the brain and spinal cord can occur, if you're a woman of childbearing age,
take a multivitamin with folic acid every day, pregnant or not, and help save a baby.
March of Dimes, saving babies together.
Bucknell, listen up Gary, was his name Gary?
That's the night life.
Kevin, was his name Kevin?
Yeah, he loves the night life.
Yeah, he loves the night life.
Bucknell is a private, non-denominational, co-educational, since 1883,
undergraduate university with a balance of professional and liberal arts programs and a limited graduate program.
I think you've demonstrated that here tonight.
Bucknell was founded in 1846 by Pennsylvania Baptists as the University at Lewisburg
and renamed in 1886 in honor of a major benefactor, William Bucknell.
There you have it.
God bless you.
Drive safely.
The only computer I need right here, my friend.
They don't give these shows to chimps.
What are we doing?
Top ten.
Ladies and gentlemen, here in my left hand is the old top ten.
Paul, you know that kid that rakes your yard in the fall?
Yeah.
See if he'd like to come in every day and check the material before he goes to school.
Check it out, yeah.
What do you pay him, like a buck a week?
Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
I'll double that if you come in and look at the material.
I'll let him know, yeah.
We have some in the category tonight, top ten Hillary Clinton campaign slogans.
They're talking now that Hillary Clinton, though, when they're finished there at the
White House will move to New York, establish residency, and run for the Senate seat here.
Yeah.
They vacated the Senate seat.
So now we have top ten Hillary Clinton campaign slogans.
Here we go, number ten.
Read my lips, no new interns.
Number nine.
Reward me for putting up with Bill's crap for so long.
Number eight.
Isn't it time you were disappointed by a different Clinton?
Number seven.
Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask how you can illegally contribute to my campaign.
Number six.
Vote for me or my husband will nail your wife.
Number five.
Give me a vote.
I'll get Vernon Jordan to give you a job.
Number four.
Still not indicted as of early 99.
Number three.
From Perjury to Albany.
Number two.
Building a bridge to the 21st century and pushing my husband over it.
And the number one Hillary Clinton campaign slogan.
Oh, Lord, please don't make me go back to Arkansas.
There you go.
You know, your big-time motion picture stars simply don't get any bigger than our first guest.
He stars in a new film entitled Payback.
It opens tomorrow.
Here he is, Mel Gibson.
Mel.
How's it going?
The crowd goes crazy.
They'll berserk.
Yeah.
What's wrong with these people?
It's a little disconcerting to realize that I'm second prize down there.
No.
You know, I want to tell you something.
You look great.
You're all dressed up.
You have a lovely three-piece suit and a handsome car.
You look like you're ready to go.
I thought I'd make an effort.
Besides, it's freezing in here.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
You look like a multi-billion dollar movie star.
Hey.
There you go, buddy.
I look like a hundred bucks.
Now, listen, this is going to be odd because I'm about to congratulate you on the fact
that I know you've given up smoking cigarettes, but I see you've got a cigar going here.
Now, this is it.
You see, I have given up cigarettes for five months.
Wow.
Congratulations.
And what cigar?
I don't see a cigar.
No, I have on occasion, I will have a Stokey.
I do not inhale though.
You've heard that before, right?
I mean, I can't vouch for where it's been, but I can tell you.
Easy.
Easy.
I'll tell you, that smells great.
That smells so good.
I could smell that when you were backstage.
Are you still a smoker if you're quiet in the expression?
I can't, you know, certain things I can't discuss because of the parole.
Okay.
Very generous of you.
Thank you very much.
I noticed the ankle bracelet on your...
But now, on occasion, in my experience, when I've smoked a cigar in the house, it's all
hell breaks loose.
Oh, are you smoking?
Why don't you go outside and smoke?
You get a little of that when you light one up?
Yeah, the pet.
Actually, I do not do it in the house.
You don't do it in the house?
No, I take to the yard like a good guy who's in the dog house.
It's not good to smoke it.
I've got a child on the way, so I don't want to...
Yeah, now that was the other thing I wanted to talk about.
So how did you give up the cigarettes?
I tried this Zyban stuff.
Zyban is that some kind of pill, a chewable nicotine gum kind of...
Well, you eat one a day, right?
And then when you get off the cigarettes, it sort of kills the craving by about 50 percent,
so you can kind of go through life without hanging yourself or anyone else.
Good.
And how long did you smoke cigarettes?
30 years.
Wow.
30 years, yeah.
How many packs a day were we talking about here?
Between one and two, but the Marlboro, the Cowboy, the Longhorn stuff.
You weren't kidding around, were you?
No, I was ripping the filters off.
So you got where you put that behind you,
and now you find that the cigars are helping or making it more difficult to stay off the cigarettes?
No, it's good.
I very rarely have them.
I figured that this was a good occasion, and I thought I'd amp up a little.
Good for you.
Now, on to congratulations again because you've got another baby on the way.
How big is the family now?
Oh, I've got seven.
Seven?
That's a lot of shoes.
That's 14 shoes a year.
That's pretty good, and this will be number eight?
No, no, this is number seven.
This will be number seven.
Yeah, minus two, minus two.
And is this going to be it, you think, or are you going to keep going?
Well, I don't know how we possibly can.
We're getting on.
This one was a surprise.
I'll be there to catch, as usual.
It's like a...
Not exactly a rodeo mill, you know?
Try the umbilical cord around the feet all five seconds, yeah.
Wow.
Wow, that's a pretty vivid image, isn't it?
That'll stay with you for a while.
And when does the baby do?
At the end of April sometimes.
You know if it's a boy, you know if it's a girl?
It's one or the other.
I'm not sure.
What is the gender breakdown in the group you have now?
I have five boys and one daughter, yeah.
Five boys and one daughter.
So it's, I don't know, it'd be nice to have another girl in there, I guess, huh?
Yeah, it would be.
I've got four teenagers at the moment, so like when I found out we were having another one,
I immediately jumped like 14 years and went, oh no.
But it's, it'll be fine.
I've got 14 years to figure it out.
Teenagers are, how are the kids these days?
Are they okay teenagers or are they just nuts?
Well, they're okay nuts.
Yeah.
Yeah, my daughter wanted a belly button ring at one point.
Now how do you handle that?
I said no.
Yeah.
Does that work?
Well, to be quite honest, Dave, I haven't checked.
She may not, huh?
She may.
All right.
She's got toes and rings and everything.
We're, I want to talk about, you know, other stuff.
We've got to do a thing and when we come back we'll continue.
It's Mel Gibson, boy and girl.
Hey fellas, bored with those canned potato crisps?
Get ready to rock.
Introducing new baked ruffles.
Huge potato paste.
More crunch.