From the NBC studios in Burbank, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Featuring Bradford Marsalis and The Tonight Show Band.
Tonight, Jay Welkins, Robin Williams.
And the music of Harry Connick Jr.
I'm Dan Paul and now Jay Leonard.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. These are all American Airlines passengers who just got their tickets.
Yeah. I guess you know the big flight attendant strike ended yesterday, thankfully.
Although, you know, officially it's not over. It's very complicated.
I guess American Airlines has agreed to submit their disagreement with the flight attendants to what they call binding arbitration.
But on two conditions. See, the flight attendants have to start negotiating on a Tuesday and they must stay over at least one Saturday, apparently.
So it's a very complicated thing. So I don't know. Yeah.
And the Bob Packwood saga continues. You know, Bob Packwood's still refusing to give up his diaries.
So now the Senate is suing him for them. They're suing him.
It looks like Packwood's finally getting to know what it feels like when someone won't take no for an answer, huh? Yeah.
Let's see what it's like there. Yeah.
You know, and now he's not going to resign. I guess Friday there was talk he's going to resign. Now Packwood says he's not going to resign.
Aren't you sick and tired of this whole thing? I mean, please. Do you remember? No.
Remember the good old days when a politician putting his hands in his pocket just meant he was after your money, huh?
And friends of Bob Packwood said in the paper today the Senator is becoming depressed and despondent. And, you know, I think it's true.
In fact, last night he went to a wet t-shirt contest and left early. Yeah.
Sad.
And the Brady Bill, I don't know. Brady Bill has stalled again because the Senate wants the waiting period phased out in four years.
The House wants it phased out in five years. And now they're trying to work out a compromise.
Hey, I got an idea. How about four and a half years? Can we move on now, please? Does that take a lot of thought? Thank you. Can we move on?
You know, you know, you know, if criminals had to wait as long for a handgun as we have to wait for the Brady Bill, we wouldn't need the Brady Bill.
And some Senate Republicans are refusing to give final passage on the Brady Bill. See, this is a big dilemma for them.
You know, on one hand they want to vote and go home for Thanksgiving, but on the other hand, the longer they hold out, the bigger that NRA Christmas bonus.
You know, so it's tough. It's tricky. It's tricky. You know what's amazing? Some senators haven't even read the bill yet.
In fact, today three of them admitted the only reason they even signed the bill was they thought it'd give them a chance to meet Marsha Brady.
Oh, there you go. Kevin, you're a big Brady Bunch fan. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah, yeah.
You just go crazy. And speaking of that, you know, I see an ad in a magazine today. See this ad.
Actually, it's in today's paper. It said, don't wait for the five-day waiting period for a handgun when you can buy it today through the mail.
And then it says, allow four to six weeks for delivery. It's stupid, this ad. Anybody see 60 Minutes this past Sunday?
This was an amazing story to me. Anybody see it? Come on.
Well, they showed how the CIA imported a ton, a ton of cocaine into the United States and let it be sold on the streets.
You know, this isn't a bad idea if you want to stop drug trafficking in the United States. Put government agencies in charge.
Before you know it, there'll be red tape, profits will be down, there'll be layoffs, sales will slump. The whole thing will just fold under its own weight.
Yeah. You know, put them in charge.
And plans are now underway to build Russia's first four-star hotel.
Actually, that's a little bit different. See over there, a four-star hotel is just a Motel 6 with like an extra roll of toilet paper.
That's really not really a big deal.
And old Michael Jackson. Oh, man. Yeah. I think he's really serious about staying out of the public spotlight.
In fact, today he joined the Cincinnati Bengals fan club. Oh, boy. Yeah, that's bad.
He really does want to hide out. You know, I don't know what to make of it. It's just getting scary.
A doctor in London said today Michael Jackson is now going through group therapy.
Boy, how'd you like to be in that group, huh? I mean, imagine you're trying to recover from drug addiction.
Your mind is just fried. You look up. Some guy dressed like a Klingon general walks in backward carrying a monkey.
Oh, slice back! Oh, man.
Oh, get this. The home shopping network has rejected Heidi Fleiss' request to sell her new line of sleepwear on the program.
Boy, how bad do you have to be to have your stuff rejected by the home shopping network, huh?
I mean, really, what's next on the retail food chain? What, do you hold the underwear up next to freeway on ramps?
I mean, come on. Getting all ready for Thanksgiving. Bramford, you going home? Yep.
Going home to see the folks? Yeah, it'll be fun. I was wondering, I wonder if Thanksgiving is like a Gallagher's house.
You know Gallagher, the comedian? You think they bring out the food and then he just starts smashing it where that big thing is?
Have you seen this Woolite commercial where the agitator inside the washing machine turns into a pair of hands?
Have you seen that? I just forgot to get the feeling that maybe the Maytag repairman isn't as lonely as we once thought he was.
Here we go, Bramford, some music news. Have you heard about this?
Big controversy now over who wrote one of Billy Ray Cyrus' songs and it's gone to court.
Boy, how does that argument work? It says stand in court? No, you wrote it. No, you wrote it. No, you wrote it.
No, I didn't write it. No, he wrote it. Oh, he wrote it.
Yeah, Jay. What? Yeah, Jay.
You're a big Billy Ray fan? Oh, huge. Huge Billy Ray fan. Unbelievable.
I like Billy Ray. You've been a frequent guest on the program.
And Beverly Hills, 90210 star. Luke Perry got married this past weekend. He's a nice guy. He got married.
He's a nice guy. He got married. He's a nice guy. He got married. He got married. Look, girl. Oh, you're sad? He got...
Like you had a shot. Look at the lady over there.
Sitting up there with a beer and a box of donuts. Oh, man. I thought...
Tough break. Yeah.
No, it's interesting. I see him on the news. They asked him why he got married and he said, well, I'm not getting any younger.
You know, Luke, I've seen the show. You're not getting any older either.
He's been 17 for what? Nine years now? Come on, Luke. You're like frozen in time.
And our good friend, and I guess tonight, Robin Williams, stars in this new movie. Oh, we saw it last night. Great movie.
This movie, Mrs. Doubtfire, where he dresses like a woman. It's very realistic. Very funny, too.
Boy, I think it's the best movie yet, but give you an idea how authentic the makeup was.
During the filming, he was sexually harassed twice by Bob Packard. That shows you.
Here's something interesting. In Australia, Madonna met with a group of Australian triathletes.
You see, Madonna is a biathlete. Now, she didn't even know...
She didn't know there was a third choice. She was fascinated by this. Man, bye. I want to be tri.
How do you be tri? What is that? Is there a different mammal involved? What is that? What is a tri? Man.
And finally, our old buddy, John Bobbitt. You know, poor John Bobbitt, the guy from...
We have a man from Manassas here, right, sir? A guy from Manassas sitting up there? Guy wearing the steel cup in the audience area?
You know what I mean, right? Well, he said... I guess he's doing well in the operation with success.
And he says his recovery program, this is interesting, includes looking at pictures of naked women while medical experts measure his reaction.
You know, it's amazing how many men are involved in the same program without the medical experts around.
You know, I realized I was in recovery for years and never even knew it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Well, we got a great show tonight. Now, see, sometimes we say that and the shows are merely extra good.
But tonight, truly, truly great, because we have two great, great guests. Robin Williams is here. Robin Williams.
And our old friend and a good, good, good favorite of the show here, Harry Connick Jr., Harry Connick Jr. and of course...
The Jazz Man.
What's up, dude?
Frank with my sound.
The Jazz Man.
I like that.
All righty.
You know, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it'd be fun to take a camera crew out on the streets and just talk to people who came to Vegas to gamble and see how they were doing money-wise and just kind of get a feel of the place.
So we went to Jay Walken in Las Vegas and here's what we came up with.
See you guys doing some gambling?
Oh, yeah, we're trying to, anyway.
How much money did you bring to gamble with?
How much money? You know, I only brought like $200.
$200?
Like low, I guess.
So are you up or down?
Down.
Down. How far are you down?
All the way down.
You lost a whole $200?
And you're from Maine?
From Sugarloaf, USA.
And this is your first time out of the state of Maine?
No, it's the first time on vacation.
Oh, first time on vacation, okay.
I came to Las Vegas. I lost six bucks.
You lost six bucks. Now for Maine, that would be about... that's a pretty big chunk of that yearly income, isn't it?
Now what do you think the folks in Maine will think when they found out you lost six bucks?
I'm gonna die that I even bet six bucks.
That's a lot. So what's the secret to winning a blackjack?
Best instinct. Go with your best instinct. That's the only secret it is.
Did you go with your best instinct?
I went with my best instinct.
And you're down two hundred dollars.
I'm down, too.
How about you, sir? You got a system?
It's not working either.
And what is your system?
Keep raising the bet until you win.
Keep raising the bet until you win. You know, I think the hotel encourages that system. I think they like me. They like me a lot.
You want to gamble on a fast $100 bill?
Fast $100 bill on what?
Out or even.
I've got a 20 and you got out or even. Last digit?
I'll get it even.
You say it's even?
Yeah.
So if it's odd, you got to give me 20.
Right.
You will.
It's odd.
No kidding.
Boy, these fast talking people from Iowa.
Hey, I like this game.
So how's the gambling going?
Poor for me, good for Jeff.
Yeah, how much are you down?
I'm down about $150, $200 probably.
Pretty upset about it?
Well, and you anticipate losing.
Yeah.
You know.
You go in with a losing attitude.
That's probably the wrong way to approach it, but yes, unfortunately, yes.
Make a fine, fine coach.
I am a coach.
Are you a coach?
Yes, I am.
What are you a coach?
I coach basketball.
Now you just learned how to play craps today?
About two hours ago.
You just learned two hours ago and you're up how much money?
Well, I doubled my money.
So what did you learn? What is the secret?
Look at the guy next to you who's winning a lot of money and do what he does.
That's really the secret.
If we gave you $100 right now, could you go in and win it?
Yes.
You're positive?
Positive.
All right, I'll tell you what, we'll give you 10 minutes to go in and see how you do.
Okay.
We'll give you $100.
Here we go, here's $100.
Now you say you're an expert craps player and you will see how much money you make in.
I'll double it.
You'll double it.
What's your game?
Roll left.
You have a system?
Yeah, the system is I play my kids' ages and it comes in.
How many kids you got?
Five.
You got five kids, what are the ages?
12, 13, 19, 20, and 21.
Yeah, so if we were to give you like $100, do you think you could double your money?
I think I could.
You can give $100.
Okay.
I'll give you 10 minutes and you tell us how you did.
Ann's come back.
Ann, come on over here.
How'd you make out?
Well, here's your $100 and here's my $121.
Wow, so you doubled your money?
More than doubled.
Oh, that's amazing.
Take your money out of stocks and give them to me.
Wow.
So this is the $100 we gave you and you get to keep all of it?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Joe, how'd you make out?
Didn't do very good.
Didn't do that good?
How much did you win?
I didn't win.
But you were going to play your kid's number.
I know, my kids did.
They're laughing at me right now.
They didn't keep it.
So you're going to punish your kids when you get home?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're just going to punish your kids?
They owe me $100.
No, you owe me $100.
So you lost the whole $100?
The whole $100.
Yeah, all right, Joe.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for trying.
I'm sorry.
You want to try it again, double or nothing?
Okay.
All right, double or nothing.
Robin Williams, right after this.
Be right back.
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It's Christmas at the Opera House on North Front Street.
You all know my first guest.
He's a hugely popular actor and comedian whose films include Good Morning Vietnam, Awakenings,
The Fisher Kings, his latest movie, Mrs. Doubtfire, which I saw last night.
Boy, this is a very funny movie.
He really enjoys it.
We'll see him tomorrow.
This lovely new apartment.
Yeah.
It's kind of a Tom Waits kind of view.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
Bambi's on the freeway.
Thumper's wild and known.
Minnie's turning tricks.
Oh, come on, let's get up and go.
How are you doing?
Good, good.
It's amazing, man.
Never put your tie in a tumble dryer, ladies and gentlemen.
What is that?
It's a...
Once again, dry cleaning.
The word for today.
I think that's called Martinizing.
It's one of those Catholic ties.
Oh, God forgive me, God forgive me, God forgive me.
Look, Mr. Bobbit.
I'm sorry.
Hello.
You look good.
You look like a good guy.
I'm a good guy.
You look good.
You lost some weight.
Look at you.
You've been working out.
Yeah, I run a lot.
So it's so much cheaper than the old days.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's easier to go, excuse me.
Yeah, I just need a pair of shoes, man.
Thank you.
As you run at like three o'clock in the morning, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
How far do you run when you run?
How far do you go?
I run about six miles.
I don't try and go too much further than that because after a while, even your whole body
goes, that's it, I'm out of here, man.
At that point, your lower track goes, I'm just going to open up and let's see what happens.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, it's very frightening.
Even dogs are about to bite you, going, you know what?
Oh no, man.
Wow.
Something died inside you, man.
Sorry.
But it's good to see you.
It's a great start.
We're off and running.
We're already doing all of that.
Yeah, yeah.
Getting ready for... What are you having Thanksgiving?
You having the family?
Are you going home?
You going to be on the road?
You're going to be fishing again, dude.
It's nice you get yourself some turkey roll and then you get some of that Velveeta cheese
left over from Ronald Reagan.
It's a nice thing.
You're going down there and afterwards you just go outside.
It's nice when... I wonder around San Francisco now, Thanksgiving, some of the winos, the
guys know me now, so they're going, hey, Ravel, I hear your new movie's good.
How about you buy me a bottle of Don Pena?
That'd be better, Jack, maybe some quiche would be in order.
Well, you used to work the streets.
I knew you when you were a mime.
Oh, yeah, I was a mime.
Oh, that was a frightening thing.
The world's most annoying mimes, I remember.
I know.
Doing mime in New York is a little scary, yeah.
I would imitate people.
People would walk by.
You'd have these very elegant ladies in front of the Metropolitan Museum.
The scariest ladies of all were the ones in the furs.
They're not just wearing one dead animal.
They got the entire species.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, and even the animal head's going, kill me.
And you'd walk by and she's like this and you imitate them.
One lady really got really angry, she said, if you take one more step behind me, I will
turn around and put my hand way up you.
So, well, thanks, at least it's an evening.
Great.
And Gary, so did you make money?
What was the biggest tip you ever got as a mime?
I mean, the people would... did you do the hat thing?
Because I remember San Francisco.
Yeah, the hat thing was always big.
You put the hat out and you get coins, condoms, you know, all sorts of...
Yeah, yeah.
Here you go, good luck, you know, to get a...
I think some days, it was all coins.
When you make like $2,000 in pennies, it's a good day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then it's like, it was fun performing on the street.
It always gave you... it was always, you know, you always had some guy come up going,
what's wrong, clown?
Are you sick?
And then babies.
I think, I do believe that clowns have something with babies that are deepest, deepest, scariest
thing in the world.
They always have, you know, party clowns at kids' parties.
Why can't they have adult party clowns?
Hey everybody, look, I'm going to make a little balloon animal here.
Look at the size of that.
Okay, okay everybody, before I do some more balloon animals, here's some Prozac so the
party goes better.
Okay.
But I think that the clown, the clown thing, I would be a mime and you'd see little kids
and the mothers would bring them up going, oh look, it's a mime.
And this kid was like looking at the Antichrist.
People are frightened of clowns.
I think so.
Oh, it's a very strange thing.
I mean, you see a giant guy, usually with a red nose and a white face, they're dead,
you know.
Or in Congress.
Hey, but you know...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
But I want to tell you, Mr. Packwood, got any pictures?
Look at the size of that caucus.
Have you been commenting on the political scene in your act?
I watched the debates.
The debates to me were astonishing.
I mean, it ended being... it started off, it wasn't a debate from the very beginning
it was kind of like World Wrestling Federation.
I'll be there.
You're a liar and I can kill that snake.
Thank you.
And slowly but surely, he started to transform when... and Al Gore basically, he's like
Mr. Rogers.
Hack, can you say mutually assured marketing?
Today, our trade barriers are coming down.
Can you say trade barrier?
No, I can't say it.
I'm not going to say it because you're a liar.
Can you hear another...
Tell me about the squash, the marbles, the men never held the balls.
I... sorry.
Kind of like Walter Brennan there.
It's a transitional piece.
We'll be right back with Robin Reiniac.
My cold medicine almost got rid of my head cold.
It kind of held this thing in my chest.
Maybe your cold medicine's not working because it treats all colds the same.
Introducing one that doesn't.
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Exactly what's right for exactly what's wrong.
Excuse me, think all bathroom tissues are the same?
Excuse what?
What was the question?
You're not for real, are you?
They're all the same.
Tissue is tissue.
You obviously haven't tried new Charmin Ultra.
Okay, it's a little softer.
It's a little like cushier.
In fact, it's maybe a lot softer.
It's better.
Yeah, I like that.
I like that.
You want to sleep in it.
New Charmin Ultra is so much thicker, it would take 75 more sheets of the next leading national
brand to be just as thick.
So we were wrong.
This is great.
Really?
We like it.
Softer, thicker.
New Charmin Ultra.
Can we keep this?
I have a thing sticking out of me.
The game is taboo.
How would you get your team to guess the secret word without using the five best clues?
It's gonna come out right here and I prance around out in the wilderness.
A moose.
I'm very-
A leprechaun.
You're crazy.
I am that, but no.
So I have a thing coming out of my hand.
You have your brains coming out of your head.
Play taboo and celebrity taboo from Milton Bradley.
And I prance around the forest.
You're a unicorn.
Yes.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Downtown that is, to the Yakima Mall this Friday.
Sit there at 8 a.m. and have breakfast courtesy of Mocha Tree, Orange Julius, and Cinnabon.
Shoppers receive a special shopping bag, while the kids get free coloring books, candy, and
balloons.
Say hello to the Talking Christmas Tree, and of course, see Santa.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
This Friday.
I don't know if I'm gonna tell you this, but once in a while I'm sitting there and you're
right over here and the guest is there and I find myself running dry.
Oh yeah?
Not you.
Not another thought in my head and I wait to hear you go, because I know when you're
gearing up I know a question's gonna come.
And when I don't hear it, I know you're wandering somewhere too.
That's when I rely on you to come through.
Now you mentioned our friend, our friend John Bobbitt.
Do you have any feelings on that situation?
Feelings on that situation?
I'm sure John can't have any feelings at all.
The moment he gets even halfway excited, you know, somebody pretty walks by, it's like,
oh no, no, snap!
Oh damn.
Yeah, hello.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, what do I do?
A little super glue and then drive to the hospital.
I mean, he must be, not to be blunt, but I mean, if they found it in the field, he must
be quite big.
I mean, it's like...
I mean, I'm not sure, two guys are going, hey, Bobbitt, what's that?
It's a mushroom.
Okay.
You know what?
But it is a, it is a strange, it's not just, it's a strangely ironic Bobbitt.
She didn't Bobbitt, she took everything.
Right.
She took it, baby.
John took it.
It gone now.
And I know some women that say, mm-hmm, she threw away the wrong part.
Mm-hmm.
Throw away the part with the mind and the talks.
Get rid of that.
Throw that away.
Put the other one in the freezer.
It couldn't be any colder than him.
But every guy right now is going, eh, it's real funny, man.
Every guy goes to bed half like this.
Now it's like, good night, honey, good night.
Oh yeah, I know.
Good night, sweetheart.
You know, every guy is sleeping on his stomach right now.
Everybody's on the floor like, good night, baby.
He's got couches lined up, everything.
It's way beyond birth control.
Now how about the, how about President Clinton?
He seems to be on a roll now.
Do you have, uh...
Bill?
Bill, I think Bill has done with the whole NASCAR, NAFTA thing.
NAFTA?
Yeah.
Oh, he's messed up.
NAFTA, incredible, free trade.
I met him there, I actually finally, I finally met a president.
I never thought I would.
Oh really, since the first president you met, where did you meet him?
I met him in the men's room.
Oh really?
He's a big man.
No, I'm sorry.
No, I didn't, I met him, no, I can't do that.
You can't be standing next to a president going, congratulations.
Mind if I shake?
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
No, I met him, he was doing some benefit in San Francisco and I got to meet him one on
one.
He is, he's 6'3".
He's doing a benefit, he has like an act now.
Yeah, don't you just hate it?
How about that free trade thing, free trade, wow, who knew?
Good night ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be here three years, isn't that wild?
But I think there's something about him, I don't get the sense when I met him that he's
reading cue cards, you know, that sometimes with other people I kind of got that idea.
Really?
Nice to meet you, Ruben.
So how's happy day?
So is he.
Now let me ask you about Mrs. Doubtfire now, this getting in touch with your feminine side.
Yes, I finally realized that yes, I'm also, I got very much in touch, so much so in touch
with my feminine side that every 28 days I get very moody now.
So you know, I don't think we could do that shot, but it was a very strange thing, people
they keep asking me what was it like to be a woman and I say well, it's more like what
was it like to be inside of a woman, you know, it's like that other thing and I see even
your eyes are like, what does he mean?
There was a joke there for obvious reasons.
There was for a brief moment, but now it's somewhere on the freeway.
Well how about your kids now, your kids are little, what do they think when they see daddy
dressed as a...
Blue shirt, I think or blue about what you are actually addressing?