Getting a heavyweight check?
What a coincidence.
Yeah, quite a coincidence.
Too much of a coincidence.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that it got me to thinking.
Got me to thinking about this.
I found that in the newspaper a couple of weeks ago.
Oh yeah?
It's about the two babies that got mixed up at birth.
Families raised the babies for years,
and they've just discovered they're mixed up now.
You think the hospital mixed you up?
I was born in that same hospital, Mitchell.
No, no, no. If they're doing it now when they got computers,
they did it for sure back then when all they had was some tired old nerds
who took a look at two babies named Patterson and said,
uh, you go here, you go there, I'm gonna go home, and watch Bonanza.
Come on, Rich. You have no evidence.
I have all the evidence I need standing right in front of me.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about puny little welterweight you and heavyweight Hercules me.
You can't be serious about this.
Hey, you were the one who looks like Daddy.
You were the one who was Daddy's little boy.
Well, I might have been Daddy's to the boy if they gave me to the right Daddy.
Uh-huh. And, uh, how do you think Mama's gonna take this news?
Well, she's cleaning Mr. Singer's apartment.
I'm just gonna go up there and tell her.
I'm seeking out the true origins of my existence.
Personal feelings cannot be spared.
What you're saying is you may not be my son.
I'm afraid so.
Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, hallelujah!
Mama!
Our long family nightmare is over.
Where's my new son? Did you bring him?
Mama, how could you talk this way to me?
Reginald Clifford Patterson, how dare you approach your mother with a story like this?
Mama, we know that it was fact that Floyd's baby boy was born in that same hospital.
We don't know any such thing. It's just a story your Daddy used to tell.
Yeah, but you were there, weren't you?
Yes, I was there. But you'll excuse me if I wasn't in the waiting room having tea and cookies.
I was in labor with you for 150 hours.
You tried to kill me then, and you haven't stopped yet.
Mama, and I'd still like to call you that if I may.
I thank you for raising me to be honest and hardworking, but I am so tired of not having anything.
I'm so tired of looking in store windows at things I can't afford and looking at places on TV that I will never go.
You can be tired all you want, but you're still my son.
How can you be so sure? Huh? How do you know they didn't switch babies on you? One baby looks just like the next baby.
Not in your case.
What was my case?
The ugly case.
I never told you this before, but you have forced it out of me. You were a pumpkin head baby.
What?
I tried sneaking out of that hospital, but they caught me in the parking lot and said,
Don't you leave here without your pumpkin.
They did?
And I finally broke down and took you.
Because I knew if I didn't, you'd end up on somebody's porch with a candle in your head.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha!
How are you making this up?
Well, of course I am. And your daddy was making up his stories, too. Your daddy always liked to make up stories.
Well, maybe so, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Fine! Have a nice day.
Happy Halloween!
It is ridiculous that just because Reggie was born on the same day as Floyd Patterson's son, he thinks he has anything to do with Floyd Patterson.
Yeah, I'm sure we're all born on the same day as some famous person.
Yeah. How about you?
Yeah, I got the same birthday as Aretha Franklin.
Perfect example! Just because you have the same birthday as Aretha Franklin doesn't mean that you are related to her or that you can even sing for that matter, right?
I guess so.
You make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman.
All right, I'm calling the hospital.
You know, about the blintz situation.
We have no situation, Lou, because we have no blintzes.
I used to get up on a Sunday morning and look forward to coming here for a cup of coffee and a blueberry blintz.
No more! End of an era, Lou.
Not if I put the word out in the street that Nathan Singer is looking for a new blintz.
You wouldn't.
I would. I figure in this neighborhood there's bound to be a fair number of widow blintzemakers who would leap at the opportunity.
You didn't.
I did.
Yoo-hoo! Mr. Singer, I got for you a blintzer.
You'll thank me later.
I can do 10,000 a week.
Look, Mrs. Drepter, before you get your blintz factory in an uproar, let me assure you that you are the unfortunate victim of an ill-conceived rumor.
Which will go no farther.
Yoo-hoo! Mr. Singer!
Oh, my God, it's an invasion.
You try mine first.
How's it like a brick? You have to eat mine.
What? A brick?
Elaine Meltzer, I could give you such a clunk.
Nathan Singer, you fought in the war with my Stanley, remember?
For his memory, try my blintz.
Try mine. Mine is my blintz.
I'll kill you for this.
Mr. Singer, you are a friend of mine.
That's it.
I like it.
And so, Daddy Floyd, if I may be so familiar, I know 30 years of raising someone you believe to be your son leads to certain natural attachments, but these will dissolve in time.
Uh, cordially, best wishes?
Ah, certainly yours, Reggie.
Mr. Singer, take out in your hot legs when you're in the war.
Oh, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hide me.
What is going on up there, Mr. Singer?
A stampede is going on up there.
What's going on down here?
I'm writing a letter to Floyd Patterson, and I don't want to hear that I'm crazy.
Oh, Reggie, you're not crazy.
Why not?
Do you think I haven't wished I was born to the sewing machine singers instead of the delicatessen singers?
You just be the best you, whoever you are.
You too.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thank you.
Mr. Singer, there's a vicious old baby mom up there.
I know. How long do you think we can hold out here?
Reggie.
Yeah.
Me and Joe had some news that might interest you.
I called the hospital. I talked to the person in birth records.
I found out everybody that was having a baby that night you were born.
Hey, I don't want to hear about the stuff from somebody who doesn't know anything.
This is my life. I'm checking this out myself. It's my personal quest.
Let me start you off.
Under the peas, there were two men whose wives had babies that night.
One of them was Daddy.
Tell him.
And the other one was Floyd Patterson.
I know they're beautiful.
I think how much Dad will love these.
Honey, they're just too much.
Mom, he will use them every day. I'm gonna get them.
Here they are. They're the best.
At least let me chip in.
American Express.
Guess you don't need my help.
Not this time, Mom.
He's gonna love that they come from you.
He'd better.
Having a way to recognize someone special.
To become a member, look for this display and take one.
Okay, dads, we alone?
Unless you want another paisley tie this year, let your family know about Hallmark.
They've got great Father's Day gifts.
There's stuff that'll make yard work easy to swallow.
Or tickle your funny bone.
Even make you a little cooler.
So the next time your family mentions Father's Day, drop them a little hint.
Hallmark!
Hallmark has a way.
Hurry, they're discussing argyle socks right now.
Nurse, nurse!
Can I get you something?
Nut and honey.
We don't have time for these little games, Miss Edwards.
Cowards, nut and honey!
No, no, nurse, no!
Crunch!
There's something about ice cream.
Picture 10 five-year-olds at my son Billy's birthday party.
The games were flop, kids are crying, Billy's hiding.
Then I serve ice cream.
Suddenly everyone's having a ball.
There's something about ice cream.
Mmm!
I'm glad to be back.
In the news this morning.
Handfare, please.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
I knew it!
I knew that I was a child of destiny.
After all these years the truth has come to light.
I am the actual son of Floyd and whoever his wife was at the time, Patterson.
Former mom.
The doors to my secluded suburban estate will always be open to you.
Reggie, all we know is his wife had a baby at the same hospital on the same night.
Why couldn't I have learned this earlier?
I could have been there when Sonny listed to knock my daddy down for the count.
I could have been standing ringside crying, daddy, daddy, get up, get up.
Reggie, happy as I'd be to trade up to any other brother.
Do you know what the odds are of the babies being switched?
You have got to believe, ex-bro.
You wouldn't know what I believe.
I believe that Floyd Patterson is sitting up in his big house looking down at his puny little Mitchell-look-alike son
saying, now, hell you mean you done, girl, and keep eating, you runt.
Reggie, look, I have the address and phone number from the hospital. You want it?
Of course not. That's 30-year-old information. Floyd's been through 12 big houses by now.
I've got to do the intelligent thing. I've got to ride them care-wide world of sports.
Fine. While you're doing the intelligent thing, I'll check out this information.
Hey, just be careful when you open that door.
Get back! Get back!
Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
You mind explaining all those old ladies?
They're auditioning to replace Evelyn's irreplaceable blincers, Mrs. Patterson.
Oh, I see.
Of course, you know how one-of-a-kind Evelyn's blincers were.
Yes, I remember. She never told you how she made them?
No. And no one is ever going to be able to duplicate them.
Well, you're going to have to go back up there sometimes. They're storming the gates.
No, I am not going to have to go back up there.
Because if I stay down here, they'll just go away.
Obviously, I'm going to have to go up there.
I'm going to have to go up there.
All right, ladies. It's time to begin.
So, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Thank you for coming.
To the first, and God willing only, singer and son's neighborhood blintz-off.
Now, I want to introduce you to our distinguished panel of judges.
Lou, Claudia, and Sheldon.
Why?
Because he's my nephew.
Okay.
As you can see, to ensure blintz anonymity, we have marked the blincers not with names,
but with the letters A to H, representing our eight finalists.
So let us begin with the letter A.
That's mine!
Thank you, Mrs. Melcher.
Mine.
Very good. Very tasty indeed.
Thank you, Mr. Gold.
How can I show you my appreciation?
We'll talk.
Mr. Gold.
Feed me my dumpling.
Well, big shot nephew, what do you think?
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Oh, we're big girls.
You're the judge. Whatever you say goes.
I like them all the same.
Putz!
Mr. Singer, the judge has a question for you.
Mr. Singer, the judges are deadlocked.
Sheldon can't make a decision, and I think Mr. Gold and Mrs. Tarkazian took off to Atlantic City for the weekend.
All right, Claudia, you are going to have to pick the winner.
Uh-uh. I'm not about to take this responsibility on my head.
Why not?
Because these women are mean, Mr. Singer.
These are the widow women from hell.
All right. All right.
I'll announce that the contest is a tie, and there is no winner.
Uh-huh, you do that. Now pick your eyes out.
Uh-uh. You are going to have to decide the winner yourself.
No, Claudia, I can't.
Why not?
Because it'll never be as good as Evelyn's.
You know what I think.
What?
I think that you think replacing your wife's cooking is like replacing your wife.
That's completely crazy.
And dead on right.
Listen, Mr. Singer, I know wherever your wife is now, I bet she's looking down and saying,
would you just make a decision before these crazy old ladies kill Sheldon?
Right.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
All right, ladies, ladies, please, it's my decision. All right, line up the blincers.
You might want to taste this one first, Mr. Singer.
Mrs. Patterson, not you too.
Just taste it.
I just...
My God.
Kind of like your wife's?
Exactly. Here, Claudia.
We have a winner.
Vicks!
Mrs. Patterson, how did you do it?
Same way your wife did it for years.
You mean you found the recipe?
No, I found the phone number of the distributors in New Jersey.
You mean Evelyn bought her homemade blincers?
From Sean Feld of Passaic. Baked fresh daily.
Oh, boy, that Evelyn Singer was one sneaky broad.
Wait a minute, now wait a minute, Mrs. Patterson, but how about my mother and her mother before?
Sean Feld's been in business for 90 years, serving three generations of singer women,
keeping secrets from three generations of singer men.
Evelyn lied about her blincers.
Nathan, be thankful it was only blincers your wife lied to you about, with me and my Stanley.
Oh, oh. Yes, yes, you're the best.
Every Thursday.
Nathan, you gotta start getting out a little.
Well, someday.
Hey, Reg, huh? Thought you might like to meet this guy. This is my mother.
You're Mrs. Patterson?
Yes, I am.
Well, we've never had the pleasure of meeting. I knew your husband, Leonard.
He and I met at the hospital when our first sons were born together.
You're Floyd Patterson?
Yeah, I am. How are you?
You're Floyd Patterson?
Yes.
What the hell happened to you?
This the brother?
That's him.
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone. When you were in the hospital with her husband, did you happen to notice my real father there?
Big fella, darker than you, with a knockout punch and everlasting written across his belly button.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't recall anybody like that. It was just me and your father, Leonard.
My father, Leonard.
Hey, listen, I'll never forget your dad. He was one great guy.
Fifteen hours he and I spent together facing up and down in that waiting room.
But you know the thing I remember most?
What?
The look on his face when the nurse came out and told him he had a son.
He had big plans for you. He told me how hard he was going to work to make sure that your life was a lot more comfortable growing up than his was.
But I guess you know all that.
Yeah.
I'm sure your dad would have been proud of you. You look like you turned out just fine.
I guess he sort of did. I'm sorry his dad isn't here to see that.
Yeah, me too. Mr. Patterson's a doorman.
Yeah, 73rd and Park.
Real ritzy building. Lots of wealthy people live there.
Wealthy people?
Oh yeah, they tell me all that troubles.
Hey, you know that reminds me of something your dad said. I'll never forget this.
There we were, the two of us, looking through the nursery window at our newborn children.
And he turned to me and he says, Hey Floyd, we're rich.
I never forgot that.
Mr. Patterson?
Yeah, Nathan Sinker, the proprietor.
Hey, how you doing?
Listen, why don't you stay for lunch on the house?
Yeah, you know we have the best blitzes in town?
Let me just take you up on that. I haven't had any blitzes in a long time.
Neither have we.
Well Ma, I guess I'm ready to return to the family now.
Oh, you are, are you? Well, you just hold your horses.
Huh?
Mr. Patterson.
Yes, ma'am.
How did your son turn out?
Mama.
My Richie? Oh, he turned out great. He teaches sixth grade in Staten Island.
Really?
Mama.
Oh, but I guess he sort of looks like you, huh?
Oh sure, he's a chip off the old shamrock, you know.
Oh.
Come to Mama Pumpkin.
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Tools have always been a favorite gift for Father's Day, especially if they're craftsmen.
Nice job.
Right now, this 3 eighths inch drill with keyless chuck and four screwdriver bits is just $39.98.
And there's a whole lot more for Father's Day waiting for you at Sears.
Imagine if you could look inside your batteries. If you could see how much power they have left.
Well now you can. Introducing the copper top tester. Absolutely free. Only from Duracell.
Some people think the National Guard is made up of weekend warriors, not real soldiers.
Well the truth is the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Reserves are only half the picture.
The other half, the National Guard.
Skilled, capable, intelligent people. People like you and me. Americans at their best.
This is Jane Carr, Louise of Dear John. Are you having any sexual problems?
Don't worry about us Louise, you've got enough problems of your own on Dear John coming up next.
Then Sam's playing Blind Man's Bluff when he leaps into the life of a concert pianist on Quantum Leap tonight.
And Thursday night, NBC's newest comedy hit is now a full summer series. Seinfeld, Thursday night.