Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the bestselling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Mr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend are popular speakers, licensed psychologists, co-hosts of the nationally
broadcast New Life Live radio program.
They are bestselling authors of several books including Safe People, Twelve Christian Beliefs
That Can Drive You Crazy, The Mom Factor, Boundaries with Kids, and the gold medallion
award winning Boundaries.
Question 1, Sherry without Boundaries.
How am I going to get this finished for Amy before the 745 carpool?
If only mom hadn't stopped by last night.
I know she's lonely since dad died.
So what could I do?
Well, I guess I'll just be late to work again.
Hi.
I thought you had a meeting.
Sherry Phillips.
Oh Sherry, thank goodness you're there.
Hi Michelle.
I don't know what I'd done if you'd already gone to lunch.
It'll only take a couple of minutes.
Greg came home really mad last night.
He said the meanest thing to me.
I'd had a bad day and I was just so upset.
Oh, well let me tell you about my day and my week.
Of course you don't care because you never ask.
Oh, I'm sorry Lord.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, okay.
Well, I'm praying for you.
Yeah.
I'll call you tonight.
Bye.
Hello Sherry Phillips.
Yeah Sherry, Dan here.
Your phone's been busy forever.
Listen, I know you're swamped but I really need you to go over these proofs by tomorrow.
Client wants to meet at 8 o'clock.
You can make it, can't you?
Yeah, okay.
Thanks.
No, I can count on you.
Hello?
Sherry, I am here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sherry, I am in deep water.
Margie was going to be the Activities Coordinator at the retreat and she's now just cancelled.
She says she's just overloaded.
Anyway, can you take over for us?
I don't know, Phyllis.
The weekend of the 20th.
We were planning a family getaway that weekend.
Not for me.
That's the weekend of the concert.
Yeah and I have soccer.
I'll be happy to help.
Thank you, sir.
send whatever Margie's done and I'll get working on it. What's the theme anyway?
Oh, it's great. You'll love it. The joy of sacrifice.
Great. I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
Hello. I'm Dr. Henry Cloud. I talk to people like Sherry all the time. Sherry is trying
to live her life the right way. She's trying to do a good job with her marriage, her children,
her job, all of her relationships, and her Lord. Yet it's obvious that something isn't
right. Life isn't working. Whether you're a man or a woman, you can undoubtedly identify
with Sherry's helplessness, her confusion, her guilt, and especially her sense that her
life is out of control. Sherry suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of
her life. She isn't able to draw and maintain boundaries around what is hers, boundaries
that would help keep out what isn't hers. You know, in the physical world, boundaries
are easy to see. You've got fences and signs and walls, moats with alligators, manicured
lawns and hedges. Those are all physical boundaries. Despite their different appearances, they
give the same message. This is where my property begins. Now, the owner of the property is
legally responsible for what happens on the property. Someone who doesn't own it isn't
responsible. Well, in the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder
to see. The goal of this session is to help you define your intangible boundaries and
to recognize them as valuable tools for living a healthy life. Boundaries keep us from taking
on things we shouldn't, helping us now get overcommitted in eliminating the stress that
goes with that kind of busyness. Boundaries free us to love other people so that when
we're loving them, we're not resenting them at the same time. Healthy boundaries mean
a life in balance and the ability to care for yourself and when and where appropriate
to care for others. Boundaries define your soul and they help you to guard it and maintain
it. You know, just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need
to set physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what's
our responsibility and what isn't. As we see in Sherry's struggles, the inability to set
appropriate boundaries at appropriate times can be very destructive. Sherry has great
difficulty knowing what things are her responsibilities and what aren't. And in her desire to do the
right thing or to avoid conflict, she ends up taking on or owning problems that God never
intended her to take on. Let's look at some of them. Her mother's chronic loneliness,
her boss's irresponsibility, her friend's unending crises and the list goes on. Sherry
also fails to take responsibility for herself, her poor choices, her non-existent limits,
her unhappiness and this list goes on too. What causes such weak boundaries or boundaries
that don't exist at all? Well, a variety of things. Past hurts, poor models and sometimes
misunderstood Christian teachings. Whatever their root, it's easy to see that Sherry needs
clearly defined boundaries and so do you and I. Boundaries define us. They define what
is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where I end and someone else begins, leading
me to a sense of ownership. And healthy boundaries are what we'll be working towards in this
session in the eight to come.
Session One, Wrapping It Up
I'm Dr. John Townsend and I know that you've been working with some important concepts
just now, some of which may be new to you. But the idea of boundaries is not a new concept.
Back in the Garden of Eden, God told Adam and Eve about ownership. Be fruitful and increase
in number. Fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of
the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. Made in the image of
God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility
or ownership is knowing what is our job and what isn't our job. It takes wisdom to know
what we should be doing and what we shouldn't. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters
are and how to protect them and we'll be looking more at that in coming sessions.
Right now, let me remind you once again of the importance of boundaries. Knowing what
I should own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins
and ends, I'm free to do with it what I like. But boundaries do more than just allow us
to care for ourselves. They also help us care for others in a healthy, Christ-like way.
Maintaining boundaries or, put differently, taking responsibility for my life helps me
recognize that I have choices and that I don't need to be limited by circumstances or other
people. I can take greater control of my time and my energy and my resources and I can find
freedom to serve others in the ways that I choose. This freedom that comes with knowing
boundaries leads to love because love requires freedom. If you have to do something for someone
and you don't have a choice in the matter, you're doing that something under compulsion
rather than acting in love. You are doing that something in fear of either the person's
withdrawal or their attack or just to avoid your own feelings of guilt. But if we're free
to say no, then when we do choose to give, we are giving out of love and our service
is truly Christ-like. As you saw in this session, we need to take responsibility for feelings
and attitudes and beliefs, choices and thoughts and values and limits and talents and our
desires and our love. All of these lie within our boundaries. But taking care of what lies
within our boundaries isn't easy. Neither is allowing other people to take care of what
lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work, but you've
taken an important step today. See you next time.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the bestselling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Session 2, Boundary Development
and Obstacles to It. Now to begin our session, here's Dr. Henry Cloud.
Our deepest human need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and
an emotional home. And we learn much about how to be in relationship in the homes where
we grow up. In fact, boundaries develop as a normal part of our interaction with our
own families. The first developmental task of infants is to bond with their mom and dad.
They need to learn that they're welcome and safe in the world. Binding takes place when
the mother, initially, responds to the needs of the child, the needs for closeness, for
being held, for food, and for changing. God's plan for us is to be loved enough by Him and
others to not ever feel isolated, even when we're alone. You know, bonding with parents
is a crucial first step towards that goal. As infants gain a sense of internal safety
and attachment, then a second need arises. The baby's need for autonomy or independence
starts to emerge. Healthy bonding leads to healthy separation and individuality. This
process of becoming an individual separate from mom is not a smooth transition. Three
more critical phases must be experienced, and in a moment you'll be looking at what
the Bible says about these phases of hatching, practicing, and rapprochement. Two additional
periods later in life also focus on boundaries. The first is adolescence. Now these years
are in some ways similar to the first few years of life. They involve more mature issues,
such as sexuality, gender identity, competition, and adult identity, but the same issues of
knowing when to say yes and when to say no and to whom are critical during this confusing
time. The second period is young adulthood, the time when children leave home or college
or start a career or get married. Young adults suffer a loss of structure during this period,
and they experience new demands of intimacy and commitment. This can be an intense time
of learning more about setting good boundaries. It's no surprise that the earlier the child
learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life. But, as
you know, the process of healthy boundary development can be interrupted by a variety
of things, by a withdrawal of love when boundaries are exercised, hostility against boundaries,
over control, a lack of limits, or inconsistent limits, trauma, our own character traits,
and then there's our sinfulness. Recognizing which of these may have damaged your boundaries
will help you deal with boundary problems you have. God's truth, as revealed in Scripture,
will also encourage healing where you've been wounded. And that's what we're going to look
at now.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the bestselling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Session 3, Lessons and the
Laws of Boundaries. Now to begin our session, here's Dr. John Townsend.
To begin this session, picture with me, if you will, an alien. He gains fuel and energy
from osmosis when he lands on a unique something that resembles a refrigerator. This refrigerator
feeds him automatically. He never has to ask for food. The alien then takes a trip to visit,
planet Earth, and he lands in a quaint small town. Suddenly, he becomes hungry. His eyes
droop, his stomach aches. He finds an earth refrigerator, but it doesn't automatically
feed him like the one at home. A friendly earthling sees the weak alien, points to Jack's
diner. The alien goes to Jack's, and after watching the activity for a moment, he uses
hand signals to order food. He manages to eat a cheeseburger and fries, but he doesn't
understand when the waitress hands him a bill. She keeps insisting on getting paid, but the
alien doesn't understand her at all. Well, now some men in uniforms enter, and they take
the alien away to a small room with bars on it. The alien is more than a little puzzled.
Poor little alien. It would be more than a little puzzling to find yourself transported
to a place with different rules, with rules that you didn't understand, but everyone else
did. Well, people raised in families where God's ways of boundaries are not practiced
have experiences similar to that of the alien. They find themselves transported into adult
life where spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their
relationships and well-being. They are hurt, they are angry, they may end up in jail, but
they never know the principles that could have helped them operate in accord with reality
instead of against reality. Well, thankfully, the reality God has established is an orderly
one based on knowable laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity,
and we need to know these principles God has woven into life and operate according to them.
Right now we'll look at two of these laws. Law number one is the law of sowing and reaping.
Now this law of cause and effect is a basic law of life. When God tells us in Galatians
chapter 6 verses 7 and 8 that we will reap what we sow, He's not punishing us. He's
telling us how things really are. Sometimes, however, people don't reap what they sow
because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. People who have no
boundaries often do this kind of interrupting. They step in and rescue people, irresponsible
people. Now we call a person who continually rescues or enables another person to be irresponsible
codependent. These sowers don't learn the lesson they could have learned. Law number
two is the law of responsibility. Now many times when people hear a talk on boundaries
and taking responsibility for their own lives, they say, that's so self-centered. We should
love one another and deny ourselves. Well, despite the wording, that view is unbiblical.
The law of responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire
law for Christians. Look at Galatians chapter 5 verses 13 and 14. Jesus calls it my commandment.
Love each other as I have loved you. That's out of John chapter 15 verse 12. Anytime you
are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself. In fact,
you've disowned your own heart. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't
grow for you and you can't grow for me. But the biblical mandate for our own personal
growth is to continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it's God who
works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Philippians chapter 2
verses 12 and 13. You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself. And
we are both responsible to give to needs and put limits on sin. And boundaries help us
to do just that.
Session 3 More Lessons in the Laws of Boundaries
Listen to the words of the apostle Paul in Romans 7. I do not understand what I do. For
what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For what I do is not the good I
want to do, nor the evil I do not want to do. This I keep on doing, waging war against
the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.
This is powerlessness. And we human beings are powerless over our addictions, our unhealthy
patterns and our sinful ways. Though you do not have the power in and of yourself to overcome
your sinful patterns, you do have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of
victory later. Law number 3 identifies these powers. First, you have the power to agree
with the truth about your problems. This is confession. Second, you have the power to
submit your inability to God and turn your life over to Him, the doctor who can do what
you were unable to do, bring about change. Third, you have the power to ask God and others
to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries. Fourth, you have the power
to turn from the evil that you find within you. This is called repentance. Five, you
have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental
injuries and your leftover childhood needs. Sixth, you have the power to seek out those
whom you have injured and make amends. Seventh, you have the power to forgive those who have
hurt you. Besides clarifying what you do have power over, boundaries help define what you
do not have power over, everything outside of them. You can work on submitting yourself
to the process of clarifying your boundaries and on working with God to change you. You
cannot change anything else, not the weather, not the past, not the economy, and especially
not other people. I encourage you to make the serenity prayer your own. God, grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that
I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. You need wisdom to know what is you and what
is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power
to change and what you do not. Henry?
One word comes up again and again when people describe their problems with boundaries, the
word they. But they won't accept me if I say no. But they will get angry if I set limits.
But they won't speak to me for a week if I tell them how I really feel. The truth is
that they might get mad or withdraw their love. But we have to grant them that freedom
and that right. We have to let others have their reactions. This is where law number
four comes in, the law of respect. We all want to be able to set limits, but the bad
news is that we have to respect other people's limits if we want them to respect ours. We
need to respect their choices of how to react to our boundaries. Just as Jesus respected
the rich young ruler's choice to reject his boundary in confrontation. Look at Matthew
19, 16-29. Put simply, we need to respect the boundaries of others in order to earn
respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours.
It's the golden rule of Matthew 7-12 where Jesus said, so in everything, do to others
what you would have them do to you. We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need
to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to
treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours. If we're walking in the Spirit,
we give people the freedom to make their own choices. 2 Corinthians 3-17. When we accept
other people's freedom, including their freedom to say no, we don't get angry or feel guilty
or withdraw our love when they set boundaries with us. When we accept other's freedom,
we are also free. And that brings us to law number five, the law of motivation. The law
of motivation says this, freedom first, service second. In Matthew 20-26, Jesus calls us to
serve and he modeled a life of service when he walked this earth. But many people serve
because they fear that they will lose love or that people will be angry with them if
they don't serve. Other false motives for serving are attempting to avoid loneliness,
thinking that to love means always to say yes, thinking that good people always say
yes, trying to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves, paying back all
that they have received, trying to gain people's approval, especially people who represent
their parents whose approval was withheld, and over-identifying with the other's loss
and the feeling of sadness that they would cause. If people serve to get free of their
fear that they will lose love or the fear that people will be angry with them or other
false motives, they are doomed to failure. If people serve freely out of gratitude, an
overflowing heart and love for others, they realize that it is truly more blessed to give
than to receive. The law of motivation calls us to give bountifully and freely out of a
heart of gratitude rather than a heart of fear. Freedom first, service second. That
is how life works best. The good news here is that you don't have to step into freedom
on your own. Let God work on your fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to
guard the freedom that you were called to.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the best-selling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Session 4, laws number 6 and
7. How's work going? Work is not all that good. Wayne, a buddy of mine from work, he
just isn't pulling his weight. I keep having to keep covering for him all the time and
it's just... Have you told Wayne that? If I told him, it would hurt him. Yes, he might
be hurt. So what's your problem? I don't want to hurt Wayne. I'm sure you don't want to
hurt him. But what's that got to do with the decision you have to make? Well, I just don't
want to make a decision without taking Wayne's feelings into account. That's cruel. I agree
with you that would be cruel. But when are you going to tell Wayne that you have to keep
covering for him? You just said that if I told him, it would hurt him and that it would
be cruel. No, I didn't. I said to tell Wayne without taking his feelings into account would
be cruel. That's very different from you. I don't see the difference. It would still
hurt him. But it would not harm him. If anything, it would help and that's the big difference.
Now I'm really confused. How could it possibly help to hurt Wayne? Have you ever gone to
the dentist? Sure. Did it hurt when the dentist drilled your tooth to fill the cavity? Yes.
Did he harm you? No, he actually made me feel better. Hurt and harm are different. Did it
hurt when you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity? No, it tasted good. Did it harm
you? Yes. That's my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact, they can be very
good for us. And things that feel good may harm us and be very bad for us. That analogy
with the visit to the dentist helped Jason understand law number six, the law of evaluation.
You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other
person. But that doesn't mean you should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds
with hurt or anger. To have boundaries is to live a purposeful life. Jesus uses the
term narrow gate. It's always easier to go through the broad gate of destruction and
continue to not set boundaries where we need to. But the result is always the same, destruction.
Only the honest purposeful life defined and supported by clearly established boundaries
leads to good fruit. We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and setting
boundaries and empathize with it. Obviously, sometimes we cause pain by making choices
others don't like. We also cause pain by confronting people when they're wrong. But if we do not
share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with
one another about how we're hurt. As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth
from others to grow. No one likes to hear negative things about him or herself, but
in the long run, hearing those things may be good for us. The Bible says if we are wise,
we will learn from such confrontations. Admonition from a friend as well as admonition given
to a friend while it can hurt can also help. And that is Law number six. We need to evaluate
the painful effects caused by setting boundaries and by the confrontations that come with enforcing
those boundaries, and we need to see how that hurt is helpful. Law number seven is the law
of proactivity. Just as in the physical world, in the spiritual realm of human relationships
for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. After years of compliance, for example,
a person's pent-up rage may explode and reaction phases like that might be necessary just for
the establishment of boundaries, but they are not sufficient. Once you've reacted,
it's now time to rejoin the human race and establish connections as equals, beginning
to love your neighbor as yourself. This is the beginning of proactive instead of reactive
boundaries. This is where you're able to use the freedom you gain through reacting to love,
enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what
they purpose, and what they stand for, as opposed to those who are known by what they
hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do. Proactive
people are able to love others as themselves and die to self and not return evil for evil.
Mental adulthood calls you to own your own reactive period and feelings and then move
on from that stage. A reactive stage is necessary, but it's just a stage.
Law number eight is the law of envy. What does envy have to do with boundaries? I'll
explain in a moment, but first let me say that envy is probably the basest emotion that
we have. Envy defines good as what I do not possess and hates the good that it has. Envy
was Satan's sin and it's a direct result of the fall. The destructive thing about this
sin is that it guarantees that we will not get what we want and it keeps us perpetually
insatiable and dissatisfied. You know, as bad as envy is, we're not saying that it's
wrong to want things that we don't have. The problem with envy though is that if we're
focusing on what others have or what they've accomplished, we're neglecting again our own
responsibilities and ultimately we'll have an empty heart. And that's one reason why
boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another sense of fullness and
feel envious. A lonely person stays isolated and envious at the close relationships that
other people have. A single woman, for example, withdraws from social life, envying the marriages
and families of her friends. A middle-aged man feels stuck in his career, wants to pursue
something he would enjoy, but yet he always has this yes-but, a reason he can't, and
he resents those who go for it. The time and energy people spend like this, envying others,
needs to be spent on taking responsibility for their own lack and doing something about
it. When you find yourself envying someone, let it be a sign that you're lacking something.
And at that moment, ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you don't have what you're
envying, and then whether or not you truly need it. Ask Him to show you how to get there
or to help you grieve what you can't have and then be content with what you do have.
Next, we come to law number nine. That's the law of activity. Human beings are responders
and initiators. We respond to invitations and then we push ourselves into life. Many
times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative, and that's the God-given
ability to propel ourselves into life. Passivity never pays off. You know, God will match our
effort, but He won't do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries and
our freedom. God wants us to be assertive and active in seeking, knocking on the door
of life. His grace will cover failure, but it can't make up for passivity. We've got
to do our part. The sin that God rebukes is not trying and failing. He'll forgive that,
but failing to try. Passive shrinking back is just intolerable to God. Remember the phrase
just do it? Well, it's true for more than the athletes being encouraged by a tennis
shoemaker. Trying, failing, and trying again, that's something we call learning. Many people
who are passive are not inherently evil or bad, but evil is an active force and passivity
can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. We're to actively work to preserve
our soul, and that's the role of boundaries. Boundaries define and preserve our property,
and that's your soul. Our boundaries can only be created by our being active and aggressive
and by our knocking and seeking and asking. So we need to move out of passivity by taking
initiative to set healthy boundaries. Now, we come to the last of our ten laws of boundaries.
That's the law of exposure. As we've said in these series, a boundary defines where
you begin and end. The paramount reason why you need such a line is that you don't exist
in a vacuum. You exist in relationship with God and others, and your boundaries define
you in those relationships. Boundaries really are about relationships, and ultimately boundaries
are about love. The law of exposure says this, boundaries need to be made visible to others
and communicated to them in the context of relationship. We've got a lot of boundary
problems because of relational fears, fears of guilt, not being liked, the loss of love,
loss of connection, loss of approval, receiving anger, being known. Gosh, there's a million
of these. But here's the trouble. These relational fears can only be solved in relationships
because that's the context of the problems themselves. See the double bind? It's scary
because that's where they happen. Because of these fears, we try to have secret and
unexpressed boundaries. Because of our fears also, we may hide aspects of ourselves in
the darkness, and that's what gives the devil an opportunity. The biblical mandate, though,
is to be honest and to be in the light, and the light is the only place where you have
access to God and other people. God wants real relationships with us, and He wants you
to have real relationships with each other. Real relationships mean that I'm in the light
with my boundaries and that other aspects of myself that are difficult to communicate.
The law of exposure acknowledges that our boundaries are affected by sin and that they
need to be brought into the light for God to heal, and also for others to benefit. This
is the real path to love, communicating your boundaries openly.
Session 4 – What We've Learned
The good news is that when God brings us out from an alien land, He doesn't leave us untaught.
When He rescued His people from the Egyptians, He taught them His principles and His ways.
These proved to be life to the people of Israel, but they had to learn them and practice them.
They had to fight many battles to internalize His life-giving principles of faith. And just
as He rescued His people from the Egyptians, God's probably led you out of captivity,
whether it was from a dysfunctional family or the world or your own religious self-righteousness
or even the scatteredness of just being lost. He's been your Redeemer.
Now then, what has been secured needs to be possessed. The land to which God has brought
you has certain realities and principles, like the children of Israel. You need to learn
His principles as set forth in His Word, and then you have to practice them and fight a
lot of battles and just make them a part of your own character. Once you do that, you'll
find God's kingdom a wonderful place to live.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the best-selling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Session 5, The Myths of Boundaries. Now to begin our session, here's Dr. John Townsend.
Statements that sound like truths can be dangerous indeed. Henry and I will briefly alert you
to eight such statements. Then you'll have time to discuss them more completely among
yourselves.
Myth number one, if I set boundaries, I'm being selfish. Boundaries don't turn us from
other-centeredness to self-centeredness. Instead, boundaries actually increase our ability to
care about others. Setting healthy boundaries is a matter of healthy stewardship of the
life that God has given us, rather than ungodly selfishness. Selfishness has to do with the
fixation on our wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others.
Also, despite the fact that we have God's help, meeting our needs is basically our own
job, again a matter of stewardship rather than self-centeredness.
Myth number two, boundaries are a sign of disobedience. Many Christians fear that setting
and keeping limits signals rebellion or disobedience, but the truth is life-changing. A lack of
boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. While we find ourselves living under various
authorities, our disobedience to them is ultimately disobedience to God. Yet, sometimes we have
to disobey an unbiblical authority in order to obey God. Remember Acts 4, 19 through 20.
We must establish boundaries because, among other reasons, if we can't say no, we can't
say yes, but an internal no nullifies an external yes. We must always say yes out of a heart
of love. God doesn't want us to obey out of fear. He wants a response of love.
Myth number three, if I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others. Now, it's certainly
possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack, or worse, withdraw
from us. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our
no. Neither can we manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating
them. Boundaries are litmus tests for the quality of our relationships. Those people
in our lives who can respect our boundaries will accept our choices, our opinions, and
our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't
love our no. They will only love our yes, our compliance.
Myth number four, if I set boundaries, I will hurt others. Appropriate boundaries don't
control or attack or hurt anybody. Boundaries are not an offensive weapon, but a defensive
tool. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Consider the
fact that God tells us no quite often. He doesn't worry that His boundaries will injure
us. He knows where to take responsibility for our lives, and sometimes no helps us do
just that.
Myth number five, boundaries mean that I am angry. Quite often, when people begin telling
the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an angry cloud follows them around for a while.
Now boundaries themselves don't cause anger in us, but anger is, like all other emotions,
a signal. Anger signals danger. It is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the
threat. One of the things anger may be telling us is that our boundaries have been violated,
but anger can also be a sign that we do not have a boundary. People with good boundaries
are less angry than people without boundaries who often feel angry because they are in a
constant state of being violated.
Finally, anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. Anger can therefore
be an ally. See Jesus in John the second chapter, verses thirteen through seventeen. It energizes
us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our principles.
Myth number six, when others set boundaries, it injures me. When being on the receiving
end of boundaries is hurtful, we may vow never to hurt someone else by maintaining our own
boundaries. Having someone say no to our request for support can leave a bad taste in our mouth.
It can feel hurtful or rejecting or cold. It can be difficult to conceive of setting
limits as being helpful or good. But if you want others to respect your boundaries, then
you must be willing to respect the boundaries of others. One more note, if you feel hurt
by other people's boundaries, that pain probably has to do with some old hurt rather than a
present reality. If hearing no is really painful for you, that no may tap into old feelings
of not feeling loved or cared for, and your pain may indicate a need to work through some
old injuries from the past.
Myth number seven, boundaries cause feelings of guilt. One of the major obstacles to setting
boundaries is our feeling of obligation. What do we owe our parents or anyone else who has
loved us? What's appropriate and biblical and what isn't? All that's really needed
in response to a gift is gratitude. The giver has no thought that the present will provide
a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for
him or her, period.
One more note, God doesn't allow the issues of gratitude and boundaries to be confused,
and neither should we. Our feelings of gratitude need not obligate us to fail to set boundaries
with those who have given gifts to us.
Myth number eight, boundaries are permanent, and I'm afraid of burning my bridges. It's
important to understand that your no is always subject to you. You own your boundaries. They
don't own you. If you set limits with someone and she responds materially and lovingly,
you can renegotiate the boundary. In addition, you can change the boundary when you are in
a safer place.
clothes.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video series based
on the best-selling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Session 6, Boundary Conflicts, Part 1.
Now to begin our session, here's Dr. Henry Cloud.
Sarah had been working hard on major boundary issues for a while now.
She was seeing progress in resolving responsibility conflicts with her parents, her husband, and
her kids.
Then came the session when she introduced a new issue.
I haven't told you about this relationship before she began.
I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman.
She eats too much and has an attacking tongue.
She's undependable, lets me down all the time, and she's spent money of mine and hasn't
paid me back in years.
Well, why haven't you mentioned her before, I ask?
Because she's me, Sarah replied.
Sarah was echoing the conflict most of us have.
We reach a point in developing boundaries when we realize, just like Pogo in the cartoons,
that we've met the enemy and he's us.
We come up against internal boundary conflicts that are rooted in unmet needs, unrecognized
fears, and unresolved pain, and that confrontation calls us to look humbly at ourselves.
We'll look briefly at seven common areas of internal boundary conflicts.
Listen carefully to see which of these you struggle with.
First, eating.
Do you use food as a false boundary to avoid intimacy by gaining weight and becoming less
attractive?
Do you binge, finding the comfort of food less scary than the prospect of real relationships?
Number two, money.
Do you struggle with impulse spending or careless budgeting?
Living beyond your means?
How about credit problems, chronic borrowing from friends, ineffectual savings plans, or
working more to pay all the bills?
How could your love of money be the root of evil in your life?
Number three, time management.
How do you deal with deadlines?
Are you a do-ahead person or a last-minute person?
How well do you manage your time?
Number four, task completion.
Are you a good starter but a poor finisher?
Have you started an exercise program or a diet or a Bible study program or a Scripture
memorization plan several times and never gotten very far?
Number five, the tongue.
Are you pleased with how often you use your tongue to bless, empathize, identify, encourage,
confront, and exhort others?
Or do you use your tongue too frequently for nonstop talking, dominating conversations,
gossiping, being sarcastic, threatening, flattering, or even seducing?
Number six, sexuality.
Are you caught up in any out-of-control sexual behavior, compulsive masturbation, compulsive
heterosexual or homosexual relationships, pornography, obscene phone calls, indecent
liberties, child molestation, incest?
And number seven, alcohol or substance abuse.
Are you abusing drugs and or alcohol?
Are you being honest with yourself as you evaluate your use?
Are you dealing with divorce or job loss or financial havoc or medical problems because
of your use of alcohol or drugs?
Why are we our own enemy?
Why don't our noses work in these seven areas?
Well, there are at least three reasons.
First, we are responsible for, not just to, the person with the problem when we are that
person.
Simply saying no to ourselves in an attempt to establish boundaries isn't enough.
We need to truly own the problem that is at the root of the behavior and take responsibility
for ourselves, for getting that need met, for addressing that fear, and for resolving
that pain.
Second, due to shame, fear, or our own self-sufficiency, we tend to withdraw from relationships and
accountability when it comes to dealing with situations like these.
Whether the boundary issue is food, substances, sex, time, projects, the tongue, or money,
we can't solve it in a vacuum.
Self-boundary problems worsen with increased aloneness because unmet needs continue to
stay unmet.
Third, we try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems.
That's a joke.
If we depend on willpower alone, we are guaranteed to fail.
If all we need is our will to overcome the evil within us, then we certainly don't need
a Savior.
At this point, we want to address boundaries with God for a moment.
Have you considered that boundary problems are one reason why obeying God's command to
love Him and love one another is difficult?
The Bible clarifies these boundaries so that we can begin to see who should do what in
this labor of love.
First, we need to recognize that we have personal boundaries in our relationship with God.
He respects those boundaries, and we need to respect His.
God respects our boundaries, for instance, by leaving work for us to do that only we
can do.
He also allows us to experience the painful consequences of our behavior so that we will
change and not perish.
And God respects our no.
He gives us a choice.
When we say no, He accepts our no.
He allows us to experience the consequences of that no, and He keeps on loving us.
Until we own our boundaries with God, until we can be honest with Him and ourselves about
where we are saying no to Him, we can't ever change our boundaries or allow Him to work
with them.
God respects our boundaries, and He expects us to respect His.
When He makes choices or says no to us, that is God's right, His freedom.
If we are to have a real relationship with Him, we need to respect that freedom.
Job is a person in the Bible who learned to let God be God, free to make choices, free
to say no.
God wants us to respect His no when it comes, just as we want others to respect our no.
God doesn't want us to make Him the bad guy when He makes a choice.
We do not like others trying to manipulate or control us with guilt, and neither does
He.
Then again, God does not want us to be passive in our relationship with Him either.
Sometimes through dialogue with us, just as through dialogue with Abraham, He changes
His mind.
When we make our feelings and wishes known, when we respectfully disagree, God listens
and sometimes moves.
One of the most astounding teachings of the Bible is that we can influence God.
Can you imagine that?
It wouldn't be a real relationship though if we couldn't.
In this relationship, God wants us to respect His boundaries.
He doesn't want us to withdraw our love when He says no, but He has nothing at all against
our trying to persuade Him to change His mind.
In fact, He asks us to be tenacious.
However God responds to our request, we are to respect His wishes and stay in relationship
with Him.
I came back from visiting my parents' house, really depressed.
Tell me.
It was just a whirlwind trip and my folks had planned all sorts of activities, invited
over family and friends.
Those times were great, sitting around talking, laughing, sharing old stories.
Those were some of my favorite times, especially when it was just family.
Just family?
Well, when my friends were there, it wasn't as enjoyable.
Why was that?
My parents, the little comments they made.
It was subtle, but it was there.
Little comparisons between me and my friends, like how wonderful it is to have a hands-on
role for grandparents in raising kids, like my friends' folks, and how my friends are
so involved in all the community activities, like they are, and like what I could contribute
if I lived there.
Little comments on and on like that.
I just really have this nagging sense that I should do what my parents want me to do.
Maybe I should move back there.
Hey, did you hear about the 60s concert that's coming up?
Yeah, I heard about that.
When is it?
It's the same weekend as the raft trip.
Oh.
What do you want to do?
I'd really like to see that concert.
I'm committed to the river with Sean, and I think that's what he'd like to do most.
I'm really looking forward to rafting down that river with you, Sean.
Oh, man.
The river will be there any time, but this concert may not happen again.
But I don't want Tim to be disappointed or angry.
Okay.
Hey, that's great.
Let's go.
Right.
I'll see you.
Right.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, buddy.
I just wanted to let you know I got into a little bit of a bind last night when Sue and
I went to the movies.
You know, the ATM is the other way, and you know that 20 on your dresser?
I knew you wouldn't mind floating me alone.
Do I look like an ATM?
Sure, not a problem.
I know where you live.
The craziest thing happened on the way home.
The car just died.
I don't know what was wrong with it, so we just left it on the side of the road.
You know what?
With your know-how, I'll bet you you could take a look at it today and figure out what's
wrong with it and have it fixed in no time.
Great.
No problem.
So is, like, now okay?
You're not doing anything, are you?
Of course not.
Let's go.
Kathy, you are my last hope.
Look, I cannot find a babysitter for these kids, and I have got to be at church to help
plan VBS.
I know you're busy, but you know, I know how much that you really want to help out at VBS
this year.
Sure, Sharon.
Bring the kids by.
Oh, Kathy, you are support VBS.
I'll be making the name tags for $500,000.
I'll be making the name tags for $500,000.
I'll be making the name tags for $500,000.
And designing the handout for the parents so they can help the kids with the memory
work.
You know what?
I'm going to bring these kids by about 6 o'clock.
Now, how about, how about 3?
I'll bring them by about 3.
Okay.
I'll see you later.
Oh, hi, Marcia.
Hey, I noticed that new May Ryan movie is showing at the mall.
About $12.05.
I wondered if you might want to take a long lunch.
I could pick you up.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I'm not sure I can.
I did it again.
Always taking the initiative.
And she's always got something to do.
to me. How do you feel when Rob drinks? I feel like he doesn't think about what
he's doing. I feel like he... No, you're evaluating his drinking. How do you feel
about it? I feel like he doesn't care. That's what you think about him. How do
you feel when he drinks? I feel very alone and afraid.
Michelle, tell me why you get mad at Jim. Because he's always late. He never comes
home early enough for us to have any time together. That can't be it. People
don't make other people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of
you. What do you mean? He's the one who comes home late. Well, what if you have
plans to go out with your friends that night? Would you still be angry at him
for being late? No, that's different. You said that you get angry because he's
late and he would still be late and yet you wouldn't be angry. Well, in that
situation he wouldn't be doing anything to hurt me. Not exactly. It is your want,
not his. So you're responsible for having it fulfilled. That's a rule of life. We
can't get everything we want and so it's up to us individually to grieve over
those disappointments, not to punish someone else for them. What about common
respect? Staying at the office is selfish. Well, he wants to stay at the office. You
want him to come home. You both want something for yourselves. We could say
you're being just as selfish as he is. Well, the truth is neither one of you is
being selfish. It's just that you have conflicting wants. This is what marriage
is all about. Getting those conflicting wants resolved.
She wants too much. She wants the perfect home including a homemade patio cover,
landscaping, remodeling. I can't find any time for myself. What do you mean can't?
And don't you mean won't? No, I can't. She'd be angry if I didn't do the work.
Well, that's her problem. It's her anger. Guess who has to listen to it? No, you
don't. You are choosing to do all these things for her and you're choosing to
take the tongue-lashings that happen if you don't. Any time that you spend doing
something for her is a gift from you and if you do not want to give it, you
don't have to. Stop blaming her for all this. I know it would be a lot easier if
she just stopped wanting you to do all these things, but this is a good
opportunity for you to learn to say no. How many hours a week do you want to
give her for home improvement? About four hours and I could work for her and then
still have a little time left for a hobby.
It had been a horrible morning. Gerald and I got in an argument at breakfast and
he left without saying goodbye. Then Tanya, our one-year-old, spilled cereal all
over the floor and Robbie, who's three, chose that morning to do everything we've
told him not to do for the past three years. He pulled the cat's tail. He
figured out how to open the front door and then he ran into the street. He
smeared my lipstick all over our white dining room walls and then he pushed his
little sister down. When I saw Tanya lying on the floor crying and Robbie
standing over her with that defiantly, please look, it was just too much. I ran
over, picked up Robbie and shook him hard and then I screamed at him loudly. And
this isn't the first time, just the most intense. I almost hurt him and I'm
frightened about what I might do the next time. How do you two normally
discipline Robbie? Well, we don't want to alienate Robbie or Quench's spirit. Being
negative is so, well, negative. So we try to reason with him. Sometimes we just
try to warn him that he won't get ice cream that night. Sometimes we'll try to
praise him for something he's done good and sometimes we'll ignore the bad
behavior. Then maybe it'll go away. Doesn't he push the limits? Like you
wouldn't believe. It's like he doesn't even hear us. He's really a problem child.
Well, there certainly is a problem but maybe Robbie has been trained to not
respond to anything but out-of-control rage.
You know, Linda, when I first got this job I loved it. It was fun to book the
training sessions and manage the speaker schedule. I have really running out of
esteem and my attitude stinks. I've been noticing you're losing your
enthusiasm. What's going on? It's Jack. He's supposed to set up all the
facilities for each training session. He's supposed to take the materials to
the site, set up all the equipment and order the food but he keeps asking me to
do more and more of his jobs. You've got to stop doing his work for him. Yeah, well
what if something goes wrong? They blame him. It's not your responsibility. No, he
gets angry at me for not helping. What do these various scenarios have in common?
Well, a person with weak or non-existent boundaries needs to establish or enforce
healthy boundaries. More specifically, one person is taking ownership of someone
else's problem and then neglecting ownership of his or her own life. The
problem though is generally not the controlling person. The problem is the
other person's failures to set boundaries. The solution is not for the
controlling person to change their ways but for the person feeling controlled to
take the first step to establish clear boundaries. Many of the boundary conflicts
that you encounter like many of the scenarios we saw can be solved by taking
the specific steps we looked at last time. These steps will help you realize
that the process of resolving these conflicts is ultimately about
self-control rather than other control. First, identify the symptom. Look at your
life and see where boundary problems exist with your family or friends or
spouse, kids or co-workers. You need to recognize or own the problem and agree
to take action to solve it. You will not resolve a boundary problem by wishing it
away. Second, identify the roots of the symptom. You don't act in inappropriate
ways for no reason. You're often trying to meet some underlying need. This is
never been met. What need is driving the conflict? Well, that need is the root
cause of the boundary conflict. You need to face that need or recognize the fear
or unresolved pain and start working on getting it met. Third, identify the
boundary conflict. Consider what law of boundaries is being violated. We can't
stop acting out a dynamic until we understand what's going on and what we
are doing to contribute to the conflict. So take the log out of your own eye.
And you'll be better able to see what the specific boundary problem is. Next, and
closely related to identifying the boundary conflict, is identifying who
needs to take ownership in the situation to get the need met. And that person
might be you. So be aware that it's not enough to understand your need. You must
get it met. One way of dealing with an unmet need is to take in the good. God is
willing to meet your needs through His people. But you must humble yourself.
Reach out to a good support system and take in the good that's offered to you.
Learn to respond to and receive love even if you're clumsy at it at first. Also,
keep in mind that boundaries are like muscles. They need to be built up in a
safe support system and allowed to grow. If you try to shoulder too much weight
too quickly, your muscles may tear or be pulled. We need bonding and support
before we build boundaries. That support system is important when our boundary
skills are fragile and new because it gives you a safe place to practice. Start
to say no by practicing with people in your supportive group who will love you
and respect your boundaries. As you practice setting limits with safe
people, you will begin to grow in your ability to take responsibility for
yourself and more easily set limits in other areas of your life. In addition to
practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. Put simply, say
no to the bad. Avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.
Finally, forgive. To forgive is not to lack boundaries. Unforgiving people allow
other people to control them. Setting people who have hurt you free from an
old debt is to stop wanting something from them and it sets you free as well.
Forgiving can lead to proactive behavior in the present and it can free you from
passive wishes rooted in the past.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video
series based on the best-selling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Session
8, Measuring Boundary Growth. Now to begin our session, here's Dr. John Townsend.
The first time you experience the rewards of setting and maintaining clear
boundaries, you may think you're dreaming, but a great deal of hard work and risk
taking will have gone into reaching them. And the rewards are worth it. You will be
able to see visible, demonstrable proof that your boundary work is bearing fruit.
You will have moved from point A, boundarylessness, to point B, mature
boundaries. In fact, you can measure that progression. Specific, orderly changes
herald the emergence of mature boundaries. Right now we'll look at six
steps you can use to measure your growth and boundary development. Next time we'll
look at another six. One of the first signs that you're beginning to develop
boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and
not so subtle violations in your life. Just as radar signals the approach of a
foreign missile, your anger can alert you to boundary violations in your life. In
fact, hurt, anger, and resentment are often seeds of boundaries. People who can't get
angry when they are violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No
warning light alerts them to boundary problems. This inability to get angry is
generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling
the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will
damage the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our
friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry. So before you say
anything confrontive, even before you set that first boundary, examine your heart.
Ask yourself, do I have permission to feel angry when I'm controlled by others?
Am I aware when I'm being violated? Can I hear my early warning signal? If so,
you're on the right track. But if not, this is a good time to work on finding a
safe place to tell the truth. As you're better able to be honest about
differences and disagreements, you'll be better able to allow your anger to help
you. The second sign of growth is a change of tastes. You'll find yourself
becoming drawn to boundary lovers. People with immature limit-setting abilities
often find themselves involved with boundary busters. As boundary-injured
individuals begin developing their own boundaries, however, a change occurs.
They become attracted to people who can hear their no without being critical,
without getting hurt, without personalizing it, and without running over
their boundaries in a manipulative or controlling fashion. People who will
simply say, okay, we'll miss you. See you next time. When we find
relationships in which we have freedom to set limits, something wonderful happens.
In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a
wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes to others. We become
attracted to boundary lovers because in them we find permission to be honest,
authentic, loving individuals. To a boundary-injured person, people who can
say a clear no sometimes seem curt and cold. But as the boundaries become more
firm, curt and cold people change into caring and refreshingly honest people. We
need to join with such boundary lovers in deep and meaningful attachments. As we
find our tastes changing from boundary-muddied relationship to more
clearly defined people, we begin developing close and meaningful
connections with people who have clear boundaries. Put simply, we join the
boundary family, and that's the third measurement of growth we can take. Why is
joining the family important? Well, mainly because it's with any spiritual
discipline, boundaries can't be worked on in a vacuum. We need others with the
same biblical values of limit setting and responsibility to encourage us,
practice with us, and stay with us. When two or three gather in Jesus' name, He's
in their midst. The combination of His Spirit and the emotional memories of
those who believe in us help us keep firm boundaries. Why? Because we know we
have a spiritual and an emotional home somewhere. No matter how caustic the
criticism or how severe the rejection of the one we're in conflict with, we aren't
alone, and that makes all the difference in the world in boundary setting. After
you feel safe being around people who believe that grace and truth are good,
your values will start to change. You will begin to see that taking
responsibility for yourself is healthy. You will begin to treasure your treasures.
Let me explain. In order to further develop and strengthen healthy boundaries,
we need to begin to value what we are responsible for, our feelings, our
talents, thoughts, attitude, our behavior, our body, and the resources God has
entrusted to us. This valuing, saying that these treasures matter, and deciding to
pay attention to them helps us take the steps we need to take to protect these
treasures and to grow in them. After all, what you value in life is what you will
invest in. Begin a list of your treasures, your time, your money, your feelings, your
beliefs. How do you want others to treat them? How do you want others to not treat
them? As you realize how you want your treasures to be treated, you need to take
steps towards communicating those boundaries. But at first, those steps need
to be baby steps. Growth in setting emotional boundaries must always be at a
rate that takes into account our past injuries. Otherwise, you could fail
massively before you have solid enough boundaries. A good place to start is with
your support group or your good friends. Ask them if you could work on boundaries
with them. They will show you their true value in response to your truth-telling.
Either they'll warmly cheer you on and being able to disagree with and confront
them, or they'll resist you. Either way, you'll learn something. A good supportive
relationship cherishes the know of all the parties involved. So start practicing
your know with people who will honor it and love you for it. The last measurement
we'll look at today may surprise you. It involves rejoicing in the guilty
feelings you'll have as you start setting boundaries. As strange as it may seem, a
sign that you're becoming a boundary person is often a sense of self
condemnation, a sense that you've transgressed some important rules in your
limit setting. Many people experience intense critical self judgment when
they begin telling the truth about what is and isn't their biblical responsibility.
The culprit here is an overactive and unbiblically harsh internal judge. Now, we
need an internal evaluator to help us know right from wrong, but many people
carry around an extremely self-critical and inaccurate conscience. They feel that
they are transgressing when they're not. Because of this overactive judge, the
boundary injured individual has great difficulty setting limits. You can
imagine the havoc when the struggler actually sets a limit or two, even a
small one, the conscience moves into overdrive as its unrealistic demands are
being disobeyed. In a funny way then, activating the hostile conscience is a
sign of spiritual growth, a signal that you may be protesting unbiblical
restraints and that you are defying an incorrect authority, that condemning
conscience in order to obey God. So, rejoice in your guilt. It means you're
moving ahead.
Zondervan New Media presents Boundaries, a small group discussion and video
series based on the best-selling book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Session
9, Boundary Successes, Part 2. Now to begin our session, here's Dr. Henry Cloud.
Last time we met, I cautioned you to take baby steps as you start setting
boundaries and tell the truth. Well, there comes a time when you need to practice
grown-up no's. You need to deal with your number one boundary buster and the
people in your life with whom it's difficult to set limits. Straightening out
these relationships is a major goal in becoming a boundary person. Setting
important limits with such significant people and setting important limits in
significant situations involving key issues in life is the fruit of much work
and maturing. And our real target is maturity, the ability to love
successfully and work successfully, the goal of becoming more like Christ.
Boundary setting is a large part of maturing. We can't really love until we
have boundaries. Otherwise, we love out of compliance or guilt and we can't really
be productive at work without boundaries. Otherwise, we're too busy following
others' agendas. The goal is to have a character structure that has boundaries
and that can set limits on self and others at the appropriate times.
Last time we met, I called you to rejoice when you felt guilty as you took your first
steps into a boundaryed existence. Now I want to encourage you by telling you that
with consistent work and good support, the guilt eventually diminishes. The point
comes when we've shifted from listening to our overactive conscience or internal
parent and respond instead according to the biblical values of love,
responsibility, and forgiveness. These values will have been reinforced by many,
many experiences with loving, truthful people who understand boundaries. Being
able to love the boundaries of others is another measurable sign of growth. If we
expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs for several
reasons. First, loving others' boundaries confronts our, and these are crummy words,
selfishness and omnipotence. When we are concerned about protecting the treasures
of others, we work against the self-centeredness that's part of our
fallen nature. Second, loving others' boundaries increases our capacity to
care about others. It isn't difficult to love the agreeable parts of people. It's
another story, however, when we encounter resistance, confrontation, or
separateness. Loving others stretches these muscles. What did you do the last
time you were asked for something you weren't sure you had to give? Even though
you were unsure, you either said yes or no. In most cases, the second response,
no, is the more mature response. Why? Because it is more responsible to give
out of our resources than to promise that which we might not be able to
deliver. You see, boundary-injured individuals make promises, and then they
do one of two things. One, they resentfully make good, or two, they fail on the
promise. Boundary-developed people, however, make good freely and gladly, or
they don't promise at all. So learn not to promise too much before you've done
our spiritual and emotional calculations. When you're not sure about something,
say no. Freeing your no like that also frees your yes, and that's the tenth
sign of boundary growth. When you can say no without conflict, you can freely
and without resentment, and without being motivated by guilt, say yes to love and
to service. The last sign of boundary growth we'll look at is the value-driven
goal setting that characterizes people with mature boundaries. The ultimate goal
of learning boundaries is to free us up to protect, nurture, and develop the
lives God has given us stewardship over. Setting boundaries is mature, proactive,
initiative-taking. Individuals with mature boundaries have a direction in
their lives, a steady moving towards their personal goals. They make choices
not on the fear of other people's reactions, but based instead on what
they've worked out under God to be important for their life. Their goals are
not based on emotion, but values. They plan ahead, and they experience the joy of
desires fulfilled. But doesn't life interrupt? Won't there be trials and
complications and people wanting me on their track and not God's? Absolutely. The
days are truly evil, but the mature person with limits understands and allows
for resistance to boundaries and goals. And he or she knows that should it be
needed, a no is waiting inside the heart to be used not for an attack or to
punish, but to protect and develop the time, talents, and treasures that God has
allocated to us during our three score and ten years on this planet.
Session 9. Sherry with boundaries. We trust that you've been encouraged by what
you've learned about boundaries and about yourself in our meetings together.
But perhaps the most encouraging note we can end on is a picture of Sherry with
boundaries. Remember her from session one? Sherry stumbled through the day in a
haphazard out-of-control fashion, but now, like you, Sherry has worked through the
boundaries video series. She has decided to restructure her life within the clear
boundaries we've outlined here. Let's take a peek in on her life with boundaries.
Lord, you've brought me a long way. It helps that Dave and I are setting limits
for the kids and getting them to bed. I think I handled last night with mom
better. It wasn't easy to say, mom, I want to visit with you, but this is a really
bad time. Amy's been really looking forward to her first sewing lesson and I
didn't want to postpone it. You could come in and watch if you'd like or I
could call you tomorrow and plan a time for us to get together. I could tell by
her reaction that it wasn't easy for her to hear. My support group really helps me
not feel guilty for saying no. It's fun to have a new dress, a size smaller.
Thanks God for my new self boundaries. You're really helping me stick with this
diet and exercise program. Hmm, unusual to hear from Michelle. She doesn't call
much since I've started talking to her about the imbalances in the relationship.
Like that time at lunch when I told her that she seems to call only when she was
hurting, but that she is either unavailable, distracted, or uninterested
when I'm struggling. Maybe she'll call back, maybe not. I'm sad if she's not happy
with me, but people probably weren't too happy with Jesus when he withdrew from
them to be with his father. Trying to take responsibility for Michelle's
feelings was trying to own something God never gave me. And these days I know I
can count on the kids to help us all get out the door.
Beds made, homework done, lunches packed, and a few minutes to spare. And dinner
time is so much more enjoyable because it's not such a hectic pace leading up
to it. We can enjoy each other's company, talk. Lord God, thank you for the second
chance. Thank you for the hope you gave me and for taking me along your path.
As you've seen, Sherry's day is now characterized by the freedom, self-
control, and intimacy that result from a lifestyle based on a godly understanding
of boundaries. Sherry's example is not a fairy tale fantasy. It is a real life
change that you can have and maybe are experiencing. Like Sherry, you can learn
to take ownership of your life. You can learn what things are your
responsibility and what aren't. You can stop taking on problems that God never
intended you to take on. You can learn to live by biblical boundaries and
experience the relationships and achieve the purposes that God intends for you.
It's our prayer that your biblical boundaries will lead you as Sherry's
have led her to a life of love, freedom, responsibility, and service.
you