50 Shades of Grey
And here we are again, it's Tuesday night we're live and welcome to the big gig right around Australia
wherever you are we've got a happening crowd in here tonight I hope you're feeling good too
I think they've been learning stuff from the Hollywood school of woo
anyway yeah it is good to be I've actually been getting out and about recently because the Melbourne
Comedy Festival has been on going to a few clubs and things and one thing I must say that is really
annoying me is everywhere I go in women's toilets condom machines now excuse me what is this about
all of a sudden men have to wear condoms who has to buy the bloody things
I mean come on we buy your socks and underpants but for goodness sake I mean us girls we've been
wearing spermicide diaphragms for years I bet you there was never a dispenser in the men's what then
which is just as well actually because they're such tricky things can you imagine
a dispenser full of diaphragms you know all those photos you've seen of UFOs
uh-uh diaphragms out of bathroom windows it's like
and diaphragms come in so many different sizes you know I mean they're such tricky things can
you imagine sending this guy in to get one by the time he's worked out you know how many 20
cent pieces it's going to take you've drunk the jug of creme de menthe
oh yes you mean you've drunk the jug of creme de menthe and headed off in a taxi who cares
I worked out why condoms are only one size fits all can you imagine any man asking for a packet
of small condoms no I don't think so I met this guy at a club the other night we thought we'd do
the right thing we'd stop in the chemist on the way home you know he's up at the counter saying
I'd like a packet of uh extra large condoms please I'm thinking oh sure sure we get home
he strips off I'm looking at him thinking hmm maybe he was planning to wear it as a shower cap
maybe he's expecting a friend I'm not sure
and of course now they've got the condom designer clothes so all the men can wear their condom you
know right up front we didn't wear our diaphragms as earrings did we all right
a few Jewish guys used to wear them on their heads but
haven't you ever wanted to say that um excuse me you've got a diaphragm on your head
the embroidery is very nice I might have mine no
you know I think the best thing I think it's just as well though that men don't have to take the
contraceptive pill can you imagine girls having to mash it up in jam on a teaspoon
come on Brian let's play airplanes
oh dear yes you can tell though I'm a modern woman we might do we might swing into the band
now we've got a band now for you who uh they've not been on the telly before they present a
cool slice of urban funk here they are belly dance
do