Ella Fitzgerald is listening to Chuck Mangione while we're recording him on Memorex with MRX-3 oxide.
Now Ella's going to listen again, but can she tell if it's Chuck live or the Memorex recording we just made?
Tomorrow, Sunday, July 22nd in Southern California, your target Buick dealer wants to sell more new economical 79 Buicks than in any one day since we've been in business.
If we plan to sell more new Buicks than in any one day in our history, our prices better be good. But don't take our word for it. Just put us on your list.
And remember, Buick Regal in its smart new size gets better mileage than some imports. See you tomorrow at what we plan on being the biggest Buick celebration in 76 years.
It's at your target Buick dealer. Don't miss it.
Hello, children. You know who I am. I know who you are. And we all know who the Hoo-Hah.
The kids are all right. It's the mayhem madness music of the Hoo.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Talking Heads.
I don't know why.
Take my money, my cigarettes.
I'm not the same.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
You saw a boat?
We're going.
And for a ride?
It's OK.
I'm going to front-tail midwife's hair.
Quick now, just go somewhere on the fire
and put all the pot of boiling hot water.
Boiling water?
Just do as I tell you to do.
Now I'm going to need some bandages, plenty of them.
Clean ones.
Rip them off.
Come on, now.
Rip it off.
Come on.
Rip it off, I say.
Hey, that's my bed.
Those sheets come all the way from St. Louis.
Now listen.
Does anybody know who this woman is?
No, no, no.
Listen, because you ain't going to help
going outside and past back and forth.
Well, I said going out and past back and forth.
I want one man with clean hands and a strong stomach.
Strong stomach.
I got a strong stomach.
Well, I got strong hands, but my stomach is filthy.
Well, you don't want me.
Well, listen, listen.
Don't you be telling me nothing.
I'm the front-tail midwife.
I give the orders around here.
But we don't need you.
You don't need me?
What you mean you don't need me?
If we're going to open the West,
we need men and women to do it.
I've seen too many infants die, die needlessly.
Because of ignorance and stubborn men.
But ma'am, there ain't nobody having a baby here.
I mean, Rene is feeling poorly, but he'll be all right.
The fact is, ma'am, we haven't seen a woman for two years.
We don't see no woman except for you.
I'm afraid this just isn't your episode, ma'am.
What do you mean?
Let me go first. I'll be sixth.
All right.
Join us next week on Frontier Midwife,
when Frontier Midwife delivers her own baby.
Can you name an antiperspirant that keeps you drier than secret spray?
Tickle floral.
Tickle herbal.
Tickle citrus.
Tickle unscented.
An antiperspirant that keeps you drier than sure spray?
Tickle floral.
Tickle herbal.
Tickle citrus.
Tickle unscented.
Dryer than soft and dry spray?
Tickle floral.
Tickle herbal.
Tickle citrus.
Tickle unscented.
Tickle. Four fresh, clean ways to keep you drier than the leading spray.
This is the Army.
It's jumping jacks at 6 a.m.
and being on the job by 8.
It's learning how to use the time you've got
and how to enjoy the time off you've earned.
It's a lot of things, but most of all, it's what you make of it.
This is the Army.
If you'd like to be part of it, call this number toll free.
Attention, Superman fans.
Superman glasses are coming to Taco Bell.
That's right.
Taco Bell is offering Superman glasses.
With exciting scenes from the movie.
There's six of them.
Every time you buy a medium-sized Pepsi Cola,
you can buy a Superman glass.
But supplies are limited, so hurry down to your Taco Bell
and start your own collection of Superman glasses.
Superman glasses, not only at Taco Bell.
Who'd ever think a car that looks like this
could get good gas mileage like this?
Based on EPA estimates, the Porsche 924 can go 278 miles in the city
or 475 miles on the highway with just a single tank.
The Porsche 924, whoever thought a Porsche could be this practical?
Anwar Sadat buys himself an inflatable child.
This story and more coming up on Weekend Update.
LeBar Burton stars in the movie,
and Billy, portrait of a street kid, Tuesday.
My sign says for sale, but my interior says forget it.
So does this dough vinyl top.
How can I sell a car that looks like this?
Son of a gun. It's from STP.
Son of a gun restores and beautifies the appearance of vinyl, rubber, and leather.
Looking good.
Now the dash.
Poultry?
Tires.
Son of a gun.
Restores and beautifies the appearance of vinyl, rubber, and leather.
How can I sell a car that looks like this?
Son of a gun.
Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams.
Tangy tangy, soldier. Down gets funky.
It's very strange to have so many mutants in one place.
You know, life's like a big fan, and sometimes a cock-a-hint.
Help me.
Wow, reality, what a concept.
Reality, what a concept.
Robin Williams live on Casablanca Record.
Play this record. It won't hurt you.
Now available where? At the warehouse everywhere.
CNC Cola uses the same high-quality cola nuts as...
But CNC Cola costs much less.
Than Coke and Pepsi.
News Center 4. You get more out of it because we put more into it.
And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update News Team,
brought to you by briskets, the crackers that come in bite size and circum size.
Anchor persons, Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.
Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin.
Before we begin, Weekend Update and the entire Saturday Night staff
would like to take this moment to pay homage to a man whose recent passing has deeply affected us all.
True, there are questions concerning the circumstances of his death,
but he was a solid rock during times of confusion and fear,
and a real fella in our moments of joy and appreciation.
He leaves behind a great fortune in memories and hopes, and no one will ever replace him.
This tribute is to you, Sid Vicious.
And now the news.
The details of Nelson Rockefeller's will were divulged yesterday,
and it included the name of the woman who was with him when he died, Megan Marshak.
In it, he released her from a $45,000 loan,
and gave her a gift certificate for a course in cardiac life saving procedure at a New York hospital.
In a related story, Sarah Jane Moore, who was serving a prison term
for attempting to assassinate President Gerald Ford,
expressed shock and anger upon learning she was left out of the former Vice President's will.
She commented, now I'm glad I missed.
In California, the trend continues as Stephen Weed, the former fiance of Patty Hearst,
has filed suit to recover one half the money she received from her trust fund while they lived together.
Weed, who now insists on being called Stephen Weed Hearst,
claims that Patty once promised never to abandon him, even if she were, quote,
kidnapped, abused in a closet, and forced to rob a sporting goods store.
More on that story as it develops.
This week, an AP poll showed that the number of people who think President Carter
is doing a good job fell from 42 percent to 28 percent in just five months.
As punishment for the poor showing, the Carter family has been set adrift
in open boat for the North Atlantic for the next 14 days.
Gerald Ford's daughter, Susan, was married this afternoon in Palm Desert, California
to Secret Service agent Charles Vance.
A family spokesman reported that for a wedding present,
the former president gave his full daughter a full and complete pardon
and the other half of a mother-daughter facelift.
Jane?
Next Thursday, the Ford Motor Company will be arraigned on three counts of criminal negligence
in an Indiana court as a result of deaths caused by flaming explosion of gas tanks in Pinto automobiles.
Reportedly, Ford will plead innocent,
explaining it was only trying to test market its new product, a portable five-passenger stove.
Urgent pleas to spare the life of Pakistan ex-Prime Minister Budo are pouring in from world leaders,
Jimmy Carter, Leonid Brezhnev, Valerie Giscard de Stang, and Pope John Paul II.
Budo has been sentenced to hang for a 1974 conspiracy conviction.
Today, in a desperate effort to save Budo from the gallows next week,
the governor of Utah offered to send a firing squad to Pakistan free of charge.
In last November's elections, Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo lost his bid for a third term in office
and returned to private life.
Well, Weekend Update, curious about what happened to Rizzo,
tracked him down and found him operating a tollgate on the Pennsylvania turnpike.
Good luck, Frank, in whatever you do. Bill?
This just in, the new NBC sitcom Hello Larry has changed its title to Goodbye Freddy.
According to reliable sources, the Earth, wobbly after a pass through the constellation Pisces,
is heading steadily towards the sun and temperatures could soar to 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit
within the next few months. Ouch, leave your coats at home, huh?
Congressman Daniel Flood, whose trial on charges of extortion and influence peddling ended in a hung jury last week,
may be in trouble again. It appears that the single juror who forced the mistrial by stubbornly
holding out for acquittal may have been the object of jury tampering.
The investigation began when curious neighbors commented on the $150 million
veterans hospital facility going up in the jurors' backyard.
And now we'd like to welcome back Weekend Update's station manager.
Here is Dan Ackroyd, strictly speaking. His topic tonight is America's new relationship with Red China. Dan?
Thank you, Jane. Thank you very much.
Well, here it is, early 1979. The United States has finally formally recognized the People's Republic of China.
Now don't get me wrong and start thinking, oh no, here comes another, it's about time we recognized Red China editorial
because truthfully, I don't think it's such a hot idea at all.
And I'm not a pro-Taiwan advocate either. I can't feel sorry for a country that has a corner on the world market of ceramic souvenirs.
Now, there's a much deeper tragedy inherent in the new Sino-American relationship.
I'm talking about the American plan to export to China massive shipments of a certain dark-colored
sugar-phosphorous soft drink in a red and white can and a certain double patty hamburger with a brand name we all heard as children
in a song about a certain farmer who had here a duck, there a duck, everywhere a duck duck.
What are the Chinese offering us in this new exchange? Ancient medicine, herbal cures, a few tips on mass manual agriculture.
And what are we offering them? Junk food. Well, I don't think it's a fair exchange.
Every American who has visited Red China generally comes back with the impression of a mild cooperative,
gentle race of people who live on a non-aggressive diet of vegetables and brown rice.
But if the current trade agreement continues, the world will soon have to face millions of hamburger gobbling gooks
with a heavy thirst for carbonated beverages and an inbred knowledge of martial arts.
Frankly, I don't think they're going to be able to handle it all.
Besides, we've only known them for a couple of weeks and here we are already freely imparting to them the very secrets
and formulas that are the hallmarks in the American identity.
It's taken us 30 years to develop the cola, the double meat patty, the low-tar cigarette, and the compact muscle car.
Why should we suddenly start selling them to a horde of strangers?
They're all going to wake up one morning and want more and believe me, on a diet of our hamburgers,
they'll be ready to move in here and take it.
A long time ago, Napoleon said that China is a sleeping giant.
Well, if China is a sleeping giant and we have to sell them a product, for God's sake, let it be salmon eggs.
That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Catch a breeze and fill the sail following the sun.
Hear the summer calling you, good times have begun.
And it's the time for salmon up so crisp and clean and light.
That refreshing taste so crystal clear and summer is just right.
Move it up, line up, reach it up, dive it up.
America has turned its lemon up.
Look it up, splash it up, peel it up, beat it up.
America has turned its salmon up.
We all had athlete's foot. Yeah, burning, itching, peeling, the works.
And Desenex helped clear it right up.
Students like these took part in recent clinical studies that once again prove
if you've got athlete's foot, don't blame Desenex.
More proof on top of years of clinical evidence
that shows Desenex is highly effective against athlete's foot.
Desenex really worked for us.
So if you've got athlete's foot, don't blame Desenex.
I'd like to tell you about a remarkable radio station.
64KFI.
Start your mornings or end your night with Loman and Barkley on KFI.
It's time again for light of my life.
It's him, Tim, Tim Kelly, taking you right to the top of the hip parade.
You're a mother, you stay in the light, stay in the light.
LJZero, Eric Chase with fever power.
KFI.
You have a remarkable mouth.
We have a remarkable radio station.
I've got it, sir, I've got it.
Very good, James, let's have a look.
Excellent, it will complete the collection perfectly.
Cheechy Jack, cheechy Jack, cheechy Jack.
Until July 31st at Jack in the Box restaurants,
every time you buy our new Jumbo Jack hamburger, you'll get a Jumbo Jack stamp.
Collect only five stamps and you'll get a thick, juicy Jumbo Jack
plus a medium cup of Coca-Cola absolutely free.
Here's your free Jumbo Jack and Coke, sir.
Now you're cooking, James.
Freak out.
They freak, so she.
Freak out.
They freak, so she.
Freak out.
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to the Auto Tray Lounge.
I'm your host, Nick Rails, and I'll be the entertainment,
like it or lump it, all the way to Orlando.
People all over the world, get your car,
drive it onto the Auto Tray,
the next stop that we make will be Florida.
How many people you first trip to the Sunshine State, huh?
How many people first trip to Florida on the Auto Tray?
You know, we get down there, you really have to watch the unloading of the cars
because the Auto Tray staff is the best, it's really something to see.
Let me see who's here enjoying the ride on the Auto Tray.
Uh-oh, a serviceman. Nick Rails reporting as ordered.
Give me your name, rank, and serial number, please.
Captain Dr. Ry Slate, United States Army Medical Corps.
I'm en route to the Combined Services Trauma Center in Key West, Florida.
And what kind of car do you have, Captain Doctor?
I got a 68 Vette with a blown 427 and a Hurst competition shifter on the floor
and a Buzz Buster on the dash.
I made it from Utica to Washington in two hours and 20 minutes.
That must be some kind of record, I think.
What do you do in the service?
I'm an Army urologist.
You know, I would like to talk with you later if I could. I'd appreciate it.
Well, we've got an Army doctor on. Is there something we can do?
Yeah, here's something for all you Army medics.
GIs who've been drafted, Vietvets who've been shafted,
they all know the words to the theme from MASH.
Thank you.
Say, here's an odd couple. What's your name?
Excuse me, I'm sorry. I don't think everybody heard you. What's your name?
Leslie, Newcombe.
Leslie, and what kind of car did you bring on?
It ain't none of my cars. He's called it.
What kind is it?
78 White and Green Ford or Plymouth Fury.
Uh-huh. Are you from Florida?
No, I'm from the middle of the north.
But I was down there a couple weeks ago.
Had a real good time, you know, so they want me back,
and I think maybe this time I'll probably stay about eight or ten years.
Ouch. Well, this one's for you then, huh?
I see a trader coming, coming around the bend.
I ain't seen no sunshine since I...