Hello and welcome to Video World. I'm Moira Stewart holding the fort while Sue cooks away
on holiday. In this issue there's lots of variety, everything from moving pathos to
crazy comedy. Alexi Sale for example. His series Alexi Sale's Stuff takes a highly
individual look at the stuff of life and as you'll see there's a lot of stuff
about that lends itself to his kind of inspired lunacy. Then there's our play
number 27. Andrew Vetch has a beautiful wife, a budding career, a flash car, a
luxurious house and he's about to make a killing on the property market. But
there's one major snag. Old Miss Barwick at number 27 is quite determined to
stay put. The British Motorcycling Grand Prix drew huge crowds to Donington Park
this month and provided some thrilling racing. And from Hickstead, home of the
country's big show jumping events, some of the world's best horses compete in
the Hickstead Derby. From the world of documentary we have One Day in the Life
of Consultant Surgeon John Warwick. From Padworth Hospital he gives a rare
glimpse of the feelings, the skills and the problems of doctors involved in
transplant surgery. First though a story we dealt with in video world back in
April. The tragedy at Hillsborough football stadium in Sheffield when 95
people died in the crush on the terraces. The inquiry into the disaster by Lord
Justice Taylor has issued its preliminary report. In his report Lord
Justice Taylor lists 43 measures he says are the minimum necessary to ensure
grounds can for the present be safely used. More than half of them should, he
says, be carried out in the next two weeks before the new football season
starts. Among the recommendations Lord Justice Taylor says that the numbers
allowed onto the terraces should be reduced by 15%, that gates to the
perimeter fence and the pens should be kept open during a match, that police and
stewards should coordinate operations, that improved first aid facilities should
be supplied at the ground and that the safety certificate of each club should
be reviewed. In a separate chapter the Taylor report makes blunt criticisms of
the way South Yorkshire police handled the disaster. Although it observes that
at the subsequent inquiry junior police officers gave intelligent and open
evidence it says senior officers were less forthcoming. In fact the quality of
evidence was in inverse proportion to their rank and it's a matter of regret
that at the hearing and in their submissions the South Yorkshire police
were not prepared to concede they were in any respect at fault. I wouldn't
dispute with any decisions that that inquiry came to. I think some of the
comments are a little bit strong. I find that the criticism of not admitting
liability just a little hard to swallow in the circumstances of the inquiry. We
have done everything we can to assist that inquiry. The report is particularly
critical of the officer in charge of the police operation at Hillsborough. Chief
Superintendent David Duckenfield had only been promoted to the post three
weeks previously and he'd not toured the ground before the match. On the day
itself according to Lord Justice Taylor Mr. Duckenfield's capacity to take
decisions and give orders seemed to collapse. In the aftermath he'd even
suggested the crush had been due to Liverpool fans forcing open the gate.
This was not only untruthful says the report it set off a widely reported
allegation against the supporters which caused grave offence and distress. The
likeliest explanation of Mr. Duckenfield's conduct is that he simply
could not face the enormity of the decision to open the gates. I mean the
police control in it in a sense was the same that's been applied to every match.
The individuals who were exercising that control of course were different and it
is unfortunate that it is against one of the the senior officer on the ground
that most of the criticism has been directed in the decisions that he could
have taken he didn't take and that some of the things he did decide would have
been better with hindsight not to have done it. His decisions were taken
honestly on the day and he did it within his ability and unfortunately we are
seen as a contributory factor. Whether it's the main contributory factor is
open to argument but we certainly contributed to events that occurred on
the day.
Radio City news on the hour every hour. The official inquiry into the Hillsborough
disaster says the police in Sheffield Wednesday football club must shoulder
most of the blame for the tragedy. The lunchtime news on Radio City, Merseyside's
independent local radio station. This is how many people in Liverpool first heard
the details of Lord Justice Taylor's report. Today the harrowing memories are
still vivid, the sense of grief almost as great. The flowers may have been cleared
from the pitch but here in the shadow of the cop and throughout Liverpool there's
a growing determination that the tragedy that was Hillsborough must not be allowed
to happen again. At the Liverpool supporters club fans say the interim
report is just a beginning. After Hillsborough they appeared to be in the
firing line from the police and the press. They say they've known all along
that the authorities were to blame. While many of the national tabloids have
blamed the fans, the staff of Merseyside's biggest paper, the Liverpool
Echo, had stood by their own, their cause championed by journalist Linda McDermott.
She says she's been fully vindicated by the report and its immediate results.
Lord Justice Taylor has blamed the right people I believe and it was right that Peter Wright, the Chief Constable of South Yorkshire, did the honourable thing today and he resigned but he
should have done that a long time ago. He should have done that the day after the
disaster and several other key people should have gone with him. The police
officers who were in charge of crowd control at Hillsborough that day, they
should have gone and I believe the officials of the Football Association
who have largely got up scot-free in Lord Justice Taylor's report, they should go too
because they were the ones who sanctioned the use of an antiquated Victorian
ground for a major First Division Cup clash and also I believe the editor of
The Sun should go as well, he should do the honourable thing. I think Sheffield Police
Authority, Labour councillors there, should consider their position because
they haven't behaved very well in all this. The policing on the day was poor,
the FA didn't tell the truth about Liverpool's claims, lots of mistakes were
made, people relied upon false images of Liverpool fans in advance and that led
to an atmosphere in which some of this trouble was helped to be made worse. Now
I think there's the chance to realise that the world has done Liverpool
any justice in the past. A single floral bouquet remains at Anfield tonight, a
tribute that questions the future of many of those who are being held
responsible for the Hillsborough tragedy. Since that report the South Yorkshire
Police Committee has refused to accept the Chief Constable's resignation, he's
continuing in his post. In the world of the arts, August means just one thing, the
Edinburgh Festival. The programme Edinburgh Nights is covering the dozens
of plays, concerts and exhibitions, mainline and fringe that make Edinburgh
the centre of the world of culture for a few weeks. Tracy MacLeod reports.
In 1913 Stanley Kershaw painted Prince's Street on a Saturday morning. His
futurist bustle gives some sense of the urgency even then of one of Europe's
busiest thoroughfares, though nowadays the teeming crowds on Prince's Street
are more likely to be fleeing from some pavement artist or busker than going
about more respectable business. Kershaw's painting forms part of an
exhibition that's one of the big draws of this year's festival, Scottish art
since 1900. The exhibition has provoked furious debate, who's in it, who's out, but
first Martha Campbell takes her son Stephen for an educational day out at
the Gallery of Modern Art.
So the way it's done, the kind of wee touches and the wee things and stuff, it's
gorgeous, but then again you see it's a wee sketchy poo and who's, I mean I don't
know, it's a wee sketchy thing and it's nice and it's a touch and it's a movement of the hand and I can't really say that it's great, but I know it's lovely, but who's to say it should be here?
But art's not about buying. No I know it's not, but I like that. You're getting the wrong idea about art, it's about buying, acquiring it. To me it's a canvas with rough paint, strong colours and that is it.
But I say it's like a compliment. Is it? Well if it's a compliment, a big canvas with strong colours, you know about any art in your life. No I couldn't afford to. You might really buy a wee thing.
Oh I did buy a wee thing from Paddy's Market. It was very good. I don't know the lady's name, I'm assuming it's a lady, but it was lovely. The vase.
Was it watercolour? Watercolour. That was a pint. 50 pence. No that was a print. It was a painting. You were conned, that was a print I saw. 50 pence. I was conned. Absolutely.
Let's go back to this, let's go back to modern art. Well I wouldn't, 50 pence, no. See if you go like this and narrow a wee bit. Stand back maybe, or even get closer.
I wouldn't want to get any closer than I am. I don't know what it's supposed to signify. Is there something on it? It's symbolic. Symbolic I know. Symbolic of what? It's about things.
Great. Well you certainly said you had peace. And we hope to bring you more from the Edinburgh Festival in our next issue. Meanwhile, sport. And first we go to Donington for the 500cc British Shell Motorcycle Grand Prix. Here's Murray Walker.
So pole position, Kevin Schwantz Suzuki. Next to him, Lawson Honda, Rainey Yamaha, Saron Yamaha, Catalora. First 500cc Grand Prix, front row of the grid, Neil Mackenzie in the second row and Pierre Francesco Cilli on a Honda.
Kevin McGee on a Yamaha, Ron Haslam on a Suzuki. It is a 30 lap British Grand Prix. It is of course a clutch start in first gear, feeding the power with the right hand with the twist grip, drop the clutch with the left, look for the lights.
And away. And it's a beautiful start by Wayne Rainey. Wayne Rainey surges away down to Red Gate, the first right hander. It's Wayne Rainey well away now. Heels over from the left hand side of the grid. Kevin Schwantz went up. Saron is in second place as they go round the right end. He's down to third position.
Now they're out of Red Gate at about 135 miles an hour, dropping downhill. This is 150 miles an hour. Up towards the hairpin and it's Wayne Rainey leading. Saron is in second place. It looks like Kevin Schwantz in third position.
Now up to McLean's second gear, 75 mile an hour corner. And I've just, that's Cilli. That's Cilli. That is Pierre Francesco Cilli, the Italian rider on the four cylinder Honda.
And that is Cadelora as through, through the right hander, at poppice they go, down towards the fastest part of the course. It's last year's winner, Wayne Rainey on the Yamaha leading. And it's Kevin Schwantz, is it? Yes, in second position.
It is Saron in third place. It is Eddie Lawson on the Honda in fourth position, through the esses. Down, down towards the slowest corner at Donington, the Melbourne hairpin. Look for the style. Rainey, Schwantz, Saron, Lawson.
Gardner is there, and then it's Neil McKenzie on the Yamaha. So, it's Yamaha leading. Almost at the end of one lap, 29 laps to go at the end of this one. And Wayne Rainey, look at the speed of these bikes. They're going through at camera position there.
At about 140 miles an hour. Rainey, Schwantz, Saron. And you saw there that British rider John Mossy has been given a penalty presumably for jumping the start.
So, Rainey leads last year's winner. Then it's Schwantz, Christian Saron closing up a bit. Eddie Lawson has got them all in his sights. It's Yamaha, Suzuki, Yamaha, Honda. Then, behind Eddie Lawson, Wayne Gardner, who as Randy said, has come up from the third row.
And there's a change there. Kevin Schwantz going through. Kevin Schwantz, the Texan, goes into the lead on lap two. Almost at the end of it with 28 laps to go. Now, is he going to pull away? What do you think, Randy?
Well, I think Kevin has a good handling bike and I think that it's a good possibility and it might be a good move with Eddie Lawson back there in fourth place to get out in the lead.
Schwantz leads Rainey, second. Saron in the blue leathers is in third position and Eddie Lawson, the man who's second in the world championship and three times a world champion in fourth position.
And that is Dominique Saron. Dominique Saron's Honda. That's Christian's brother out of the race. 28-year-old Neil Mackenzie. He's the fastest man on the circuit. He has just gone round in one minute, 34.96.
And that is two seconds almost inside the lap record. So, new lap record holder, Neil Mackenzie, eighth in the world championship. And my goodness, he's going for it. Now, Randy, do you think the Yamaha's got any advantage here?
Well, Yamaha handles really well. It's a very neutral bike. And as we know, Wayne Rainey won here last year on the Yamaha. So, you know, Neil's really working hard at it, but you can see him moving up.
Moving up to catch Eddie Lawson in fourth position. Number four, Christian Saron and Lawson going through. Saron looks over his left shoulder. Lawson passes on the right. So, it's Schwantz leading Rainey, second. Who is third? It's Lawson. Lawson's moved up to third.
Saron, fourth. Mackenzie, fifth. Kevin McGee is in sixth position. Wayne Gardner is in seventh place. Ron Haslam is eighth. Luca Catalora on the Yamaha. His first 500cc Grand Prix ride is in ninth place.
Here, Francesco Cilli that you saw go off. And look at that! Wayne Rainey goes through into the lead. So, Wayne Rainey, the Californian, leads the British Grand Prix on this, the fifth lap. Displaces Kevin Schwantz.
Well, now, let's look at it again as Wayne Rainey, number three on the Yamaha, takes the lead by going through on the inside of Kevin Schwantz.
Yeah, it was a very exciting move, you know, going underneath the left-handed there. I think both riders are trying to feel each other. Nobody really wants to take the lead and try to move out. It's a lot of energy to do that, to take the lead and try to pull an advantage.
And look at Mackenzie, he is in second position and there is a roar of approval from the crowd.
Still Schwantz leads.
And now, Neil Mackenzie is right up with him.
No British rider has ever won the British Grand Prix, yet.
And look at that, Mackenzie leads. Neil Mackenzie leads the British Grand Prix, but for how long? You can see the crowd willing him on. Now they're sailing through the back markers and he's, Neil Mackenzie, going to win this £25,000.
We've got a lot of this race yet to see. This is lap nine. It's a 30-lap race. But with his machine absolutely juddering under power and performance, Neil Mackenzie sails through, takes Schwantz with him.
And as you can see, unlike car racing, as Eddie Lawson comes up to challenge Kevin Schwantz, there is plenty of room on the circuit for these single track motorcycles to match the people in front of him.
Now let's have another look at Neil Mackenzie making history and taking the lead.
There, number 34 on the Suzuki, Kevin Schwantz, three times a Grand Prix winner this year. And from out of his slipstream, with a very tight turn into the right-hander at Red Gate, Neil Mackenzie leads the British Grand Prix on lap nine out of 30.
Now let's have a look and see. As Lawson comes down to the Melbourne hairpin, Rainey, I think, has got in front. Look for him. Look for Wayne Rainey, number three. And where is he? There he is. They're coming up to Goddard.
Now let's wait and see. Is it Wayne Rainey? Indeed it is. Wayne Rainey on that charge to close the gap between himself and Eddie Lawson, who is second in the World Championship to the leader, number three, Wayne Rainey. Rainey has taken third position away from Neil Mackenzie.
There is Schwantz. There is Lawson. And the gap between the first two is 2.14 seconds. Lawson is closing, but he's not closing fast enough.
Schwantz goes into McLean's for the 30th end last time. Up to Coppice for the last time. Out of it at 85mph. From third gear to fourth, from fourth to fifth, 130mph. Now into top gear, approaching 170mph. There is Eddie Lawson in the background.
That is how close it is. They have only got to do the S's. The Melbourne hairpin. Goddard. This is the last lap. Are their tyres alright? It certainly looks like it. Schwantz is there.
This is the slowest corner of the course. It is the last corner on the course but one. There is Lawson in the background. It is going to be a fourth World Championship Grand Prix victory in 1989 for Suzuki mounted Kevin Schwantz from Texas.
He is out of the last corner now. He sees the checkered flag and there behind him is Eddie Lawson. A tremendously close finish in this Shell 500cc British Grand Prix of 1989.
Wayne Rainey finishes in third place. Neil Mackenzie in fourth. Saryl in fifth. McGee in sixth. But Kevin Schwantz wheelieing and doing his famous stand on the rest trick is absolutely have a joy.
The 500cc British Grand Prix here at Donington won by Kevin Schwantz from Eddie Lawson. Wayne Rainey in third position. Neil Mackenzie in fourth. Christian Saryl in fifth. Kevin McGee in sixth.
The Shell British Grand Prix was really something to see. Wayne Rainey now leads the championship by six and a half points from Eddie Lawson. With Christian Saryl still in third place. Kevin Schwantz still fourth. McGee still fifth. And Pierre Francesco Keeley still in sixth position. Four races to go.
One of the highlights of the equestrian calendar is a British silk cut jumping barbie at Hickstead. This year Joe Turi had a clear round on Country Classic Scrouga. And here now is Nick Skelton, winner for the last two years going for the hat trick.
And the last time we had a jump off here in the Hour of Riding for Ireland he was second. But Nick knows the pressure's on him now. We haven't had a jump off with clear rounds since Terry Newbury jumped off against Eddie Macklin in 76.
Oh, nothing wrong with that goodies of the poly today off that nasty fright when he pulled up lame and he practiced fence just before the jump off the bar, the trial on Friday.
That's a good moment for the British connectors as well.
What a jockey.
Look at that.
Steady back.
Oh, this is picking now.
Oh, a problem with the time. Nick looks at the clock coming to the last.
Oh, what a man, what a horse again. I feel so privileged to be sitting here this afternoon and I'm so glad you're all with us because this is jumping of the highest order. We've got a jump off, we've got two clear rounds and even without the two clears all the four quarters were brilliant.
And he comes around to the dyke again.
And here is the, the line he takes runs him in there comes down the left hand side up against the bushes to get him off the fence a little bit left handed again.
Absolutely world class riding.
Okay.
Well done, Phil.
See what a dreadful grip this horse takes. He's carting Philip all the way to this rail as if he's hell bent on busting it. See if he can get him off it.
Come on, Philip.
That's what he takes.
Still there.
The brakes are failing. He's running on his nerves now.
Steady.
One to go. Plenty of time, 20 seconds at least.
Holding, holding.
Good shot.
History at Hickstead this afternoon, three clears in the derby. Would you believe that?
And here we were saying it was a little bit of a substandard fill this year because the foreign entry wasn't quite so strong.
And I honestly think that it's not over yet, but this is quite the best derby I've ever seen.
Three clears, never been done before. And there they are. Joe Turey, he'll go first against the clock.
Country classics Kruger, Nick Skelton breathing down his neck.
Burma Apollo and now from Essex, young Philip Heffer viewpoint.
In comes Joe Turey.
Joe, who's done so well this last year or two, got a tremendous
record in Nations Cups on this horse, double clear in Aachen and Luxembourg.
And now a great shot at winning the British jumping derby.
He's on the European Championship team at the end of this month in Rotterdam.
Good luck to all three of them.
Now the decision that Joe has got to make is how fast does he go?
Because these fences take more jumping than any others in the world.
But he's got two flying machines breathing down his neck.
He's got to give them enough to do.
Now, how tight do they turn here?
That's tight. Two strikes to that. Oh, Joe really had to give it a shot, didn't he?
But that's one place where it is one heck of a risk to chance a stunt like that.
And Joe's expression, I think, would agree with my opinion there.
Comes around there, just two strikes. That's the sort of thing you do in an area international trial, not really a derby.
But as I said before, he had to do something special or try to and then jumps it clear.
Look at that. What a pity.
But he's only got three faults and he mustn't have time faults.
112 seconds is the time allowed. He's got plenty of it.
Now then, this is important to him because if he's only on three faults,
he'll have to hope the other two can cut each other's throats and have a fence down.
Oh, Joe! So much time at his disposal.
The time isn't that important when you've got three faults.
Took a chance. I think he must have been conscious of the fact that he might have had time faults coming up.
And blew the last as well.
Well, it's seven faults for Joe Terry.
And now Nick Skelton knows that he's been handed it.
But viewpoint is last go and viewpoint is very fast indeed if those fences stay up.
What tactics are Nick Skelton going to play?
He's going for clear, look.
Joe Terry was at the dike in 37.
You can see what Steve said, that he's going to go clear.
At least he's trying. Shame shot again. Look at that. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Look at this. Now he's flying.
Oh, well.
Well, this competition's got everything, hasn't it? I've never seen anything like this before.
I mean, this is absolutely tremendous stuff. You could cut it with a knife this afternoon.
The dike was absolutely perfection itself.
No man in the world could have ridden it better and the horse jumped it as clean as a whistle.
What a stride off the corner. Stuns him off, rams him at it at the same time.
And absolutely foot perfect Apollo. Absolutely brilliant.
Now, Philip.
Nick Skelton watches, he barely look.
Now he's got to speed up.
Don't go crazy, Hef.
Oh, he's in. Nick's got it.
Three times on the trot. A kiss from Sarah.
Well, look at that.
Philip now knows he's going to finish in third place, but what a tremendous performance.
He comes racing down towards the last and jumps it.
And you can't take that away from viewpoint.
He would have beaten him, 88.86, but there's the winner.
And a tremendous moment there for them all.
What a performance. The first time British rider has won the Silk Cut Derby three times in a row.
But just to confirm the result of the 89 Silk Cut Derby, it's Burma Apollo for the second time running.
Three times running for Nick Skelton.
Joe Turi, country classic sprueger. And there, young Philip Hefler, a brave, brave try.
And three clear rounds. Never had that before.
What's it like to hold a human heart in your hand?
You can find out in one day.
The public may wince at some of the shots in your film.
Did you ever wince when you carried out your first operations?
Oh, the answer is yes. I fainted in the operating room.
I fainted, I remember, when I was helping somebody do an amputation and I was holding the leg.
And when it actually got cut off, and they just get this dead weight.
And it's a very strange feeling. And you won't possibly publish that.
How removed from the sorts of feelings that I might have witnessing an operation are you?
When they're not removed, they're altered.
And I think actually it's a better question to say how removed am I from feelings about patients.
You get burnt, and I got very burnt about patients, particularly in the States.
I got so wrapped up in the patients that I remember when my mother came to visit me in the States, and she was dying.
I probably spent more time in the hospital with a patient who was dying than with my mother.
And that was probably wrong.
Basically, one of the problems is never knowing when to say no.
And people ask you to do things, and you say yes.
And then you suddenly find out, as probably you do, that the deadlines are there, and the deadlines are there, and the whole thing heaps on top of you.
And hence I carry this paper backwards and forwards.
But I spend a lot of time shuffling paper, which is ridiculous.
Absolutely ridiculous.
You can only do so much. You cannot do everything.
Somebody stuck an oxygen mask on him this morning at four o'clock, and he's highly confused and eye accident.
Yesterday was his best day, I think, since his transplant.
So who stuck an oxygen mask on him?
I don't know. He may have. Apparently he takes this mask himself and plugs it in.
He may have done it himself.
The following injuries were compound fracture, radius and ulna, fractured right mid-chan femur, and he had a ruptured spleen and a splenectomy.
He had quite a rough time after this, had a prolonged period on ventilation in the intensive care unit.
But I'll probably drop doing some of the hospital management soon. I've done three years of it.
And I know that my efficiency has not been as good this year as it has been the first two years, because of all the things to do.
Morning.
Have you got your speaking tube in yet?
What criteria do you use in deciding who gets the operations?
You could make an arbitrary choice about age, but it was just, again, written to show that cardiac surgery in the elderly, and particularly coronary surgery in people over the age of 65, is actually very beneficial.
And so you can't just arbitrarily say people over the age of 65 shouldn't have heart operations.
This is a patient we're going to see who's been catheterized this week and has been told he needs a heart operation.
Over the years, your heart's been managing to cope with that by getting stronger and stronger and pushing blood through a narrower and narrower hole.
Your heart's going to work very, very hard, and that could cause you a lot of trouble if we don't fix it for you.
Thank you. I don't know whether he's staying in or not. I'll let you know.
And then there are people who we think we should do sooner on our waiting list, and that's currently around about, say, six weeks.
And then there's a routine waiting list, which has grown from what used to be controllable to around about two or three months, which has now gone over six months.
He had his heart transplanted 20 days ago, three weeks ago, and his last biopsy was fine.
His renal function is now getting better. So he's sailing now.
Where are the nurses from the unit?
What's the unit's number?
This morning you had several meetings, one of which you lost your temper. What was the problem there?
I want a nurse up here. I don't want any of you butts, and I don't want any nonsense about they can't manage, and I don't want any nonsense about them doing this bad grace.
I just think they've got to get their butts up and come to what is a very important meeting.
Yeah, but we're going to start now, and I want to see one.
OK, bye. OK, morning. Sorry about that. But it's important.
It was a little galling to find out that large numbers of patients weren't represented. I can understand the reasons why, and I know the reasons why.
And it's very difficult when you're overworked to do that. I mean, they are very overworked, there's no doubt.
Right. Well, it'll have to be in ten seconds, because you're already ten minutes late for the meeting, and yours is the first patient we're discussing. Bye.
You've got to be here. This is for the patients. We've got a lot of patients to discuss. It goes on at eleven, everybody knows about it, and you've got to bloody well be here.
So you can pass it on to all your colleagues in the bits that aren't here. I'm very, very, very pissed off.
We will start off with people down on Maloy. Does somebody have a Maloy? Yeah. OK. Why do they do that? Why do they do that?
It's like that most weeks. I'm glad you saw it today, because it bugs the hell out of me. OK.
Right. Does the National Health pay you enough to take on that sort of strain?
Pay is very difficult to equate. I mean, if I did what I did in the States, I would be earning far more than I earn from the health service. I know that I can earn in doing private surgery, which I do one day a week.
And that one day I probably earn as much as I would earn in a month on the rest of the health service.
Thank you. Two to go. One to go.
Everybody who does what I do has worked very hard to get where they are. And people continue to do that. And everybody can say, oh, well, you know, you choose that, and you do.
But you work hard and you make a lot of sacrifices along the way. But I think you have to have a modicum of rewards for that.
It's a very cruel specialty. I think the broken marriage and divorce rate in our specialty is pretty high.
What? Hey, listen, have you sold that car yet? Have you sold your car yet?
I know. I looked it up. I looked at you.
When you are in the theatre and you're operating, you joke quite a lot. What's the reason? You're not a callous man.
I don't know. I think you've got to understand what's happening in that operating room. And the first thing you've got to understand is who's the most important person in the room.
And the most important person is the patient. OK?
And you're trying to train the junior surgeons. And you're trying to keep the whole thing on an even plane, but make sure that everything's done properly.
That is really great. Fantastic.
There are times when it gets very, very intense and when everybody's concentrating very hard.
But if you had to concentrate to your limits all the time, then that wouldn't be routine and that wouldn't be safe for people.
So I perhaps use humour in the same way that other people might use music to relax people.
Well, I hope it does. Sometimes they groan because they've probably heard the story before because somebody new comes in and I tell them the same story.
And they'll look at the ceiling, but nevertheless, it works.
What's it like, though, when you just pick up a heart in your hand?
I mean, the heart is actually just a piece of awful, let's face it. And it does a very good job.
And it pumps about 20 to 30 million times a year. And it's very good at that. And it doesn't stop. It's tireless. It's very clever.
But it has to be fixed. And so you have to fix it. And I don't feel any huge emotion when I pick up a heart, other than the same way that I think probably people operating the belly don't feel the emotion.
They pick up a chunk of large bowel. I mean, you don't feel any emotion about it.
Is this Frank's first lady? Is she using?
Well, she was. He's just been on the telephone.
Yeah, I know that.
The operations we saw today, what sort of cost are they?
The total cost for those procedures we saw today, and that includes their hospital admission, the operation, and everything, is about three to three and a half thousand pounds.
Very little money.
It's not very expensive at all. What matters is, is there a benefit for the cost and the benefit in looking at those patients' quality of life?
OK. OK.
Right. Back to the office.
Two letters here. Hi.
Oh, yeah. Right. Listen. Now.
Hang on.
Ready for you in 30, Mr. Walworth. Thanks, Roger.
Where are they actually at?
They're just waiting. Well, they're just taking the vein down.
I'm just literally about to see a transplant patient. Hang on a second.
OK.
I'll come with you, and I'll just come out the door.
Jonathan, where are you actually at? Because I was about to see one of the transplant assessments. I can't turn her back.
So that'll be about 10 minutes, OK?
How are you?
I'm quite good so far.
Not so bad.
Great. Sit down.
How's your week been?
Quite good.
Which ward have you been on?
Is it the Barron's ward?
Been down at Cheshire?
Yeah.
Have you been in hospital a lot this year?
Well, I mean this last year, yeah.
Four months, about. On and off, you know.
I mean, you're not going to get much better without something.
No, no, that's the thing.
And you're a young lady, and you need to have something done, I'm sure, for goodness sake. You really do.
During the day, you interview some very sick people. When you go home, do you continue to think about them?
Yeah. And I used...
And you're talking about the lady we looked at for heart lung transplantation today, who's really very sick.
And she knows she's very sick, and I know she's very sick, and you do, because you saw her.
And you don't need to be adopted. The lady's very sick.
And there are over 40 people like that on the heart lung list, and over 30 on the heart list.
And more and more and more out in the country, we can't help everybody.
We will try to do our best for her.
You have to remember, though, that to help her, some normal, healthy person dies.
And it might be your wife, or your daughter, or your son.
Now, that's tragic, and in a way, if they didn't die, we wouldn't have that particular resource.
But if they do, it's a tragedy we don't get access to the resource.
And they can go off early in the morning.
Yeah, they can go. They're fine. They're fine. She's a sweet kid.
See you in the morning.
Because she's sick. Okay, bye, Ginny. Thank you.
Right, let's get a little chill.
When you're talking to very sick people, how do you decide who should and who should not have a life-saving operation?
We can't help everybody. We accept that. And those that die on the list, and about a fifth of them will, perhaps a quarter of them will.
Every time I get that letter, I know that's a person I've seen just like her, who, given the facilities and the resources, I could do it.
But it's a facility that you can't buy with money.
Sometimes you get to the stage where people are so sick, you know that resource is not going to give a good benefit.
If you've got so many organs a year, you could argue that it's better to have, say you've got 100 organs a year,
it's better to have 80 of those people alive at the end of the year,
than to do very high-risk people who are maribund, very, very nearly dead, and only have, say, 60 of them alive a year.
It's a very difficult equation when you're presented with a patient.
Have you ever walked in here at all? It's not as bad as everyone says, you see, because I've had, er...
I've had, er... what did you call it?
Have we got anything down the Cheshire that I need to see? No, I don't think so.
I might come down and see Tim in a minute, if it means he's supposed to be phoning me when he gets in.
Tonight, there's a chance of a donor. Do you wish you were there in the midst of it?
I'm quite happy that I'm not going to be up tonight, that's for sure.
But if I had to be up tonight to do something, I would be up tonight.
When do they want us to go?
Tonight.
Tonight or early tomorrow morning?
We've got some details of a donor that aren't exactly clear as to whether it's any good or not.
What do you mean, you've got a heart? Maybe.
There are times when you're very tired when you do it, because you have to, because those patients are sick,
and you don't want to waste an opportunity to make somebody better.
But when you get very tired, you think, oh, maybe tomorrow it would have been better.
What are you saying?
If there's any doubt about it, I wouldn't do it, but I think I'd check out what they mean by lateral changes.
Do you want to know either way whether we do this heart?
It's important just in terms of what you do in terms of the morning.
Well, if I can set it up and it's a good donor, I'll take it.
But I mean, I wouldn't...
I'm literally going to rush the unit and come back.
You know, he's actually ventilating. I mean, he's shifting air, all right.
What he's not doing is not oxygenating properly.
Anyway, why don't you finish that?
Because I may have been...what?
I'm going to try to, yeah.
There was a time when I nearly gave up surgery when the person I worked for in Glasgow,
who was the professor of surgery there, just dropped down dead on a squash court.
And then he was 38 years of age.
And I very seriously considered stopping for lots of reasons.
And I thought, what am I good at?
And I thought, well, I'm pretty good at making important decisions,
sometimes on inadequate and sometimes quite erroneous data.
What could I do with this talent?
And I thought, well, I could go to the stock exchange.
But I didn't do it.
But I really don't know what else I would do.
I really don't.
Well, there are many people who are grateful that you do what you do.
And John Warwick, thank you so much for sharing your day with us.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
It's the booze, isn't it? It's the booze.
Was that all right?
It was lovely.
You like the stock exchange? It's true. It's all true.
Now we have our drama.
A charming old lady determined to stay in number 27.
These are beautiful. Where do you find them?
Oh, Sally descended on Sotheby's one afternoon,
armed only with my checkbook.
Inside Tippe?
What are friends for, eh?
What, what?
Rather, sunset, isn't it?
No, no, it's Spanish, actually.
And I make more apologies.
How are we doing?
Eight left, no beer.
I love the chairs.
Neither do you.
Neither am I.
Oh, oh.
Trix.
Oh, no, no, they taste as gusty.
Ledger.
Oh, no, no, they taste as gusty.
They're Japanese.
I'll probably explain.
Do you want a light?
Oh, thank you.
This place is a real find.
It's got great potential.
We dabbled in Hackney.
Everyone's got to start somewhere.
No, no, I bought a road by the railway.
Cheap as muck, but 200 grand each, tarted up.
Shoreditch is the place these days.
Two or three now, the city boys are moving in.
Whatever happened to the old East End?
They moved to Peterborough.
Stevens.
Golden Prospect Developments.
A unary seat of a letter from the planning office.
What space.
Are you going to sublet?
You must be joking.
This is going to be all for us.
Rattle a bite of it, won't you?
It's so unimaginable.
We'll have a few kiddies to fill it up.
These were built as family houses, you know.
Andy, phone.
Oh, can't you?
Excuse me.
All right, coming.
Simon.
Hello.
Sorry, Jonathan.
Here, take the poison, spread it about, not too thick.
Avoid Lewis Plowright.
The ready position.
Then the shoulder turn.
Hello.
Spin it on the floor, for God's sake.
Hello.
Vetch, I can't make it to the party, I'm afraid.
Oh, Lester, that's too bad.
Something's come up.
With the Cain's Road site.
Oh, yes?
Number 27 or something in there.
Well, can't Stevens handle it?
Stevens has tried.
He didn't get anywhere.
He'd just drop over...
Get round there.
Lester, look.
I don't care if you're at your mother's funeral.
Get your expensive little arse over there and sort this lot out.
No.
Now.
Hey.
There's some poor people who don't speak a word of English
if it's right, and you're on the phone, for Christ's sake.
Look, I've got to dash out.
Tell them to help themselves.
Andrew.
It's Lester.
Oh, my God.
Mikoto.
So nice of you to come.
For warming the house.
Oh, it's lovely. Thank you.
Look, there's wine in there.
My fault.
Oh, yes. Undoubtedly.
Absolutely my fault.
Here's my card.
It's got my name and registration number.
Insurance company on the back.
Think of other people for once in your life.
Hi, Stevens.
There.
Batch.
Listen, what's going on, for Christ's sake?
Look, we're talking.
No, no, don't give me that.
Look, old ladies are your job, not mine.
Hello.
I'm doing a survey.
Good for you.
Is this your job?
No.
I'm doing a survey.
Good for you.
Is this your car?
Uh-huh.
Are you a resident?
No.
May I ask the purpose of your visit?
Murder.
Pleasure.
Business.
Shopping.
No, murder.
I'm going to murder that old lady in there.
School run.
Put it down as business.
It's all right for you.
You don't have to live around here, walk around here, jump on and off pavements to get out
of the way of the traffic, teach your children to have eyes in the back of their heads, because
Mr. Businessman needs to get there and fast so that this country can be great all over
again.
Stupid, selfish bastard.
Mrs. Barwick?
Yes.
Hello.
My name's Vetch.
V-E-I-T-C-H.
I've come to apologize.
For the rats?
Oh, no, no.
For the behavior of Mr. Stevens.
Who's Mr. Stevens?
He visited you just now.
Golden Prospect developments.
Oh, I liked him.
I thought he was very charming.
He was born in the Lebanon, apparently.
What?
I knew Beirut when it was a beautiful city.
Well, he asked me to come back here and apologize to you for having to leave in such a hurry
and also to give you this.
How beautiful.
Shall I bring it in for you?
He said I shouldn't let anyone in.
Ah, he didn't mean me.
I'm his boss.
He gave me to understand that he had his own company.
No chance.
My second young man today.
I don't know what the neighbors will think.
Would you like a glass of Campari?
Um, very much.
It's all I allow myself nowadays.
Did Mr. Stevens mention money at all?
Oh, yes.
The Lebanese do.
You know, Mr. Fetch, he offered me 100,000 pounds and he'd only seen the whole.
Well, if I may say so, Miss Barwick, I think that was very foolish of him.
I thought so, too, with all the hardships in the world.
I wouldn't take less than 120.
120,000?
It's not worth 120 pounds in this present state.
Well, it's a very desirable area.
That's what Mr. Stevens kept saying.
He should try buying some nice, fresh green vegetables.
Have you lived here long?
Ninety years.
Sorry.
No soda.
Uh, that's fine.
Now we must find a place for that remarkable space on him.
What you have to realize, Miss Barwick, is that there are plans for this area.
And during the transitional period, there will be considerable upheaval and intrusion.
And I do mean considerable.
In cases like this, we often find that clients, especially in the older properties,
are only too pleased to take full advantage of the, uh...
Do you not have a light in here?
Yes, there is a light, but the wiring's mercurial.
Ah.
The current comes and goes.
It's stronger in the summer, apparently.
Well, there we are, then. That's a perfect example of the kind of problems that you are up against.
That's rather nice.
Mahogany.
Interior, satin wood.
Georgian?
Willem IV. George.
Well, that's a good example of the kind of problems that you are up against.
Oh, George.
Used to drive my father mad. We were always setting it off.
You know about furniture.
My wife's an expert. She trained at Sotheby's.
You know, it is the staircase that I feel needs doing.
This is beautiful.
It was taken of my father the week we moved in.
We had such a party.
This is Faberge, isn't it?
Is that you?
Somebody wants me.
I'm sure you're wanted all the time. I was when I was your age.
Enjoy it while you can.
Miss Barwick, I shall keep you in suspense no longer.
I have been authorized by my company to make a cash payment of £125,000,
provided you leave the property within the next five days.
I would personally undertake to ensure the safe transfer of any personal items of furniture or possessions during the period of...
Made a list of all the trouble spots.
Miss Barwick, I don't think you understand.
I'm offering you £125,000 in cash.
Only small things, but extremely irritating.
Miss Barwick, please listen.
I've never said this to anyone ever before and I'll probably never say it again.
Name your price.
Staircase? Lights?
What's that? Central heating?
That's right.
And we'll move you free of charge, too.
Move? Me?
No, thank you, Mr. Veg.
I've never moved and I don't intend to start now.
Oh, no!
I still have an arrangement.
Yeah.
Mm.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Well, yes.
Yes.
Mm.
Yes.
Well, let's have the halibut, shall we?
Au gratin.
Mm. Can't wait.
Bye-bye, kitten.
I love my wife.
How many people these days can say that, eh?
Mm.
Andrew, it's time to pull the Canes Road site together.
I thought it was going to be next year.
Well, it's right now, Vollendorf called.
The money's in place to the end of the week.
Vollendorf wants the site signed, sealed and delivered
by the time he arrives from New York Friday night.
Vollendorf's not a nice man, Andrew.
He doesn't know much about art or cooking or music
or any of the things that, you know, you or I appreciate.
Wallpaper, curtains, chairs, inlaid satinwood bookcases.
You've got one week to get her out.
Supposing I can't...
Listen, no site, no deal.
No deal, no money.
You like your new house?
Mm. Thought you would.
Hello, Lester, Mary Lester, Vollendorf, please.
Sadly making plans.
Oh, yeah.
She's such a clever girl.
Hello, Mr. Vollendorf.
How goes it with you?
Yeah, me too.
Now then, about the Canes Road site.
Well, it's quick, but there'll be no problems.
No, no, no, no, no.
I've put our best man on the job.
Vetch.
V-E-I-T-C-H.
Vetch.
Mm, pronounced Vetch.
Yeah. Yeah, so am I.
Good night.
He was very understanding.
Let's not let him down, eh?
Sally.
Who's in there?
Clive.
Well, what the hell's he doing here?
He stayed to help.
Yes, well, now I'm back in case you hadn't noticed.
You're back and you're drunk.
I'm back and I'm exhausted.
So you can get that half-arsed prat out of my kitchen.
You invited 80 people here this evening.
You bugger off God knows where.
You come back three hours later and start shouting at the one person who stayed to help me.
Stayed to help?
I know what he stayed for.
I'm not that stupid.
I resign.
Get out.
Andrew.
Thank you, Clive.
Thank you so much.
There's still a few plates left. I could break them over his head.
Oh, just get out.
This is my house and I want it to myself.
What was that all about?
Work.
Pressure of work.
Perhaps you should ease off, darling.
Ease off?
Ease off when you're dead.
Well, at least we've got the house.
And it'll be beautiful.
My taste and your money.
You do love me.
Love?
That's Thursday's, isn't it?
Is there pressure on it when you're making love?
I've got a very small flat, you see, and with the children...
Mr. Vetch.
Tuesday's my bath day.
I've been down to the baths.
Do you not have a bathroom in there?
Oh, I have a very nice bathroom, but there's no water in it.
Hasn't been any for months.
Perhaps you could have a look at it.
I don't know.
But there's no water in it. Hasn't been any for months.
Perhaps you could have a look at it.
Miss Barwick, I must be brief. I am in a hurry.
And where do you live, Mr. Vetch?
Islington.
Oh, a housekeeper lived at Islington.
Plain terraced houses, rather cramped.
It would be so marvellous not to have to walk up to the baths any more.
Especially with this street all moulded up.
Miss Barwick, I think your neighbours realise that there is no hope for these houses.
Oh, don't be silly. There's always hope.
I mean, the fact that you and Mr. Stevens have been round is the best thing that's happened to me for a long while.
Miss Barwick, Mr. Stevens and I are property developers.
Now, that means that we acquire property and then we develop it.
I'm sure it's only a screw that is loose.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Vetch.
Perhaps you could have a look at my electric light.
Miss Barwick, in this case, is enough money to buy you a place where the water runs hot or cold in whichever bath from you choose.
And where the lights go on and off in every room.
You walk on the other side, Mr. Vetch.
And where you can walk either side of the staircase on a carpet six inches deep.
Do you have a phone?
Who would I telephone? There's no one but my brother and he's far too busy.
You have a brother?
Oh, yes. Morris. Much younger than me.
Does he have anything to do with the house?
Oh, yes. He owns it.
What?
He owns the house.
I thought...
I gave it to him in return for security of tenure. During my lifetime, of course. Our paths don't cross much nowadays.
And where can I contact him?
It's beautiful. Quite beautiful.
Did you know it was going to look like that?
Of course I didn't know it was going to look like that. Who does know what meteor fragments look like?
All I was told was that it had been recovered from the most remote part of Central Asia,
that it is of immense scientific and historical interest and that it should be treated with all possible care.
So what went wrong?
Let's not get this out of proportion, Headmaster. We're dealing with an extra letter. Not a letter which isn't there.
It's embedded, Carmel, deep into the meteorite.
Please hear me out. The letter is an extra L, right?
How can they get the name of a Mongolian swamp right and the name of the school wrong?
The Park Castle has been very good in the past. All those Indian names on the War Memorial are absolutely spot on.
Let's just say we don't want it.
Don't be a fool, Renny. It's a gift. It comes with the building.
Well, anybody would give us a thing like that.
It isn't anybody.
It was given to us by one of the few old boys who turned out to be a millionaire in three different currencies.
We could do a synthetic infill on one of the Ls that would be an exact blend. The boys would love a challenge like that.
I can't help feeling that the sticky hand of commerce should not have been allowed to lie so heavily upon us.
From the vice head of a school charging seven thousand pounds a year, I find that not at all a helpful observation.
What about lasers? There's a challenge for the science side.
I don't care if you use a controlled nuclear explosion. I want that meteorite correct.
Renny, I'll leave it to you to sort out. We have a fourth period off.
In fact, nothing to stop us doing the whole job ourselves. Why pour good money after bad?
You must tell Mr. Spencer to cover it up. You mustn't have the boys laughing at it.
I think it's absolutely beautiful. Might as well be talking in the thin air.
Thank you.
Headmaster?
No, nobody, Miss Watson.
What?
Mr. Barwick, this is not visiting time. These are school hours.
I have a parent's surgery at five on Thursday. Now... It is quite important. Look, if it's about your son...
No, it's about your sister.
My sister?
And her house.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Vetch. Andrew Vetch. V-I-T-C-H.
Well, Mr. Vetch, you seem to know a great deal about my private affairs. Might I know a little about yours?
I'm an interested party.
Interested in what?
What is that?
It's a meteorite.
Ah. I'm interested in number 27.
It's not for sale.
It's in a very bad way.
Is it now? I haven't visited it for some time. We're not that close.
I do have a number of options that we could discuss. Mr. Vetch.
I have a school to run. I have no time to discuss anything.
I'm only trying to get your sister the best deal.
Her best deal would have been to move out of that mausoleum a great many years ago.
She loves that house.
I love that house, Mr. Vetch, but it has manifestly outlived its purpose.
Like all London family houses, white elephants now, their time has passed.
Do you think so?
Well, don't you?
No, I don't, actually. You could spend money on that house and have half of London queuing up for it.
Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Vetch, we're opening a major new business studies block on Saturday.
I have a few ends to tie up.
I'd like to come to some agreement about the house.
Contact my solicitors. They deal with all that side of things.
If you change your mind, here's my home number.
By the way, Mr. Vetch, remind me again, how did you meet my sister?
I was doing a traffic survey and she invited me in for tea.
Yes?
There's a Mr. Lester ringing from London.
Barwick?
Is that you, Mr. Vetch?
Are you all right?
Oh, yes, I'm all right.
It was just a small explosion.
In the bathroom, I'm afraid.
Count me in.
All right.
I'll be right there.
It was just a small explosion in the bathroom, I'm afraid.
Count my job.
Nearly killed her.
I had a bit of heart water.
Do you mind the stairs?
The downstairs measures 14 by 14 at the front and 14 by 12 at the back.
I mean, we could have it as two rooms.
And I think it would be much more fun as one.
Oh, and I've seen this fabulous room in the Sone Museum.
We could base the color scheme around that.
I mean, if we red-rolled the walls,
we'd make a great background for what we've already got.
Hello?
Anyone at home?
Hmm?
What do you think?
Sounds fine.
Can we afford it?
Of course we can.
Lester will look after you.
As easy as that.
What do you mean?
I may not want Lester to look after me for the rest of my life.
Since when?
Come on, Sally, you know how I feel about him.
He's a rich man who appreciates your talents.
Let him be a patron of the arts.
Think of him as a Medici.
Sally, he knows as much about art as your mother.
He's into pink, fluffy toilet-roll covers
and alligator skin-binders for the TV Times.
Exactly.
That's why it's so important for people like us to spend his money for him.
It's not all one way, Sal.
Don't, for Christ's sake, start having doubts now.
I'm not having doubts.
I've always had doubts.
I tell you, when this current little bit of nastiness is over,
we are getting out.
It's not the end of the world.
People have done it before, you know.
Like your ex-partner?
Hmm. So?
Well, I can't see you doing asbestos roofs for the council
or putting down paving for playgroups before their grants get cut.
Yes, who is that?
It's Andrew.
Andrew?
Vetch.
My God!
I'm sorry.
I don't believe this.
You want me to do something for you?
I want you to investigate the possibilities of keeping somebody in a property.
Well, I don't suppose they have people in your organisation who do that sort of thing.
Oh, come on. We're not all bad.
Things have to be built.
Pity they're not houses.
I've built houses, you know that.
Only when you had to.
Well, Andrew, what happened on the road to Damascus, then?
Here. Have a look at these, Quentin.
See for yourself.
Here.
Oh, nice.
Solid corner property.
Late Victorian.
Built around a central stairwell.
Interesting.
Once upon a time.
Is this in somebody's way?
It's on the Cairns Road side.
Cairns Road, yeah.
Erm...
Who's the developer?
Well...
Oh.
Yes.
Client?
Vollendorf.
He works out of New York.
Sheltered homes for the elderly.
Private hospital.
Facelifts and foreskin transplants.
Who's the owner, then?
A family called Barwick.
She's in her 90s.
Lived there all her life.
She won't move.
About turning off the electricity.
Loosening the banisters.
Oh, come on, Quentin.
This is not the Andrew Vetch I read about in the property pages.
It's unique.
I've never seen anything like it.
A uniquely desirable residence.
Situated in a sought-after cul-de-sac.
Filled with period charm.
Well, put it this way, I'd move there like a shot.
Oh, well, thank God there's some self-interest left.
I thought for a moment you'd gone religious.
Well...
it was worth a try.
Thanks for the drink.
Nice to see you after all these years.
Andrew.
I need to see inside.
Of course not. We'd love it.
Oh, hang on. I think he's just come in.
Andy?
It's Lester.
No.
He's invited us to dinner with Vondorf on Friday.
Celebrate the deal.
Lester.
My husband's very possessive, you know.
He's flying us to Paris.
Instant ecstasy.
Company jet.
I didn't even know he had a company jet.
Neither did anyone else in the company.
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
A night in Paris.
Hmm.
With Lester.
McDonald's and then the Foley-Berger.
Well, tacky but fun.
Sally.
I've made a decision about number 27.
Oh.
Quentin.
It's half past 12.
Can I come in? No.
Thank you.
Do you mind?
Yes.
Republic records all day.
God, it's boring.
Shh. We can't meet here.
Ah.
I found out one interesting thing, though.
Barwicks don't own the house.
What do you mean?
Well, she was left it by the father.
Gave it a little brother.
And he sold it to a property management company
called De Rhalde Estates.
Never heard of them.
No, well, you wouldn't. They're
out-of-town organisations, you know.
Traditional, old-fashioned portfolio.
Biggest client's Melford School.
Oh, Christ.
Has somebody not been keeping you in the picture, Andrew?
She must have a lease, though, yeah?
Lease? Yeah, she's got a lease.
How much is that site worth?
37 million cleared.
Well, what were you doing at Melford?
I told you.
Just checking out the owner.
By telling them they ought to spend more money on the house.
Psychology, Murray.
I mean, if I'd gone in there
and told them I represent a firm of
bulldozers, what reaction do you think I'd have got?
They'd have clammed up immediately.
Well, I don't like you getting involved
with personalities.
I was only being thorough.
What are Melford getting so steamed up
about, anyway?
Because your stroppy geriatric
is between them and a lot of school improvements.
A lot.
How come?
Because Volendorf has decided he should give
something back to his alma mater.
Volendorf was at Melford?
That's exactly
his problem, Andrew.
No one ever believes it.
His name wasn't on the
honors boards, but within three years
of leaving, he was the richest old boy they'd ever had.
He had the golden touch.
Hong Kong, Paris,
New York.
But most of all, he loved London.
So, imagine his
satisfaction when he found out his old school
owned a little piece of it.
Didn't the school realize how much those houses are worth?
Not half as much as he did.
That's why Volendorf is
where he is.
So, Melford gave them to him?
Not for nothing.
He promised them a couple of squash courts,
new chapel roof,
and the first business
studies block in the country.
With his name on it, of course.
He even got royalty to lay
the foundations down.
This Saturday,
day after we sign.
Hmm.
Royalty, huh?
Well, why not? They're parents like
anyone else.
Why didn't you tell me this before, Murray?
Because Volendorf stands to make
ten or fifteen million dollars out of screwing
his old school, right?
Now, he doesn't want anybody to know that,
does he?
Miss Prudence Barwick,
you are the sole occupier of number 27,
Canes Road? Yes, I am.
I have a legal
document here for you, Miss Barwick.
Thank you. It requires you,
on behalf of the Borough of Northam, to vacate
the premises of number 27,
Canes Road, until further notice,
as urgent structural work must be
undertaken if the House is to comply with the
London Building Acts Amendment Act,
1939, Part 7.
Oh dear. Under Section
67 of the Act, I'm empowered to serve this
notice on you to vacate the said property
within 24 hours.
Well, if you'll gather your
belongings together, you'll be collected
tomorrow morning, 9am, Thursday the 22nd
of June, and transferred
to alternative accommodation, provided
for you by the Council. I do
apologise for any inconvenience, but
as you will appreciate, we were
acting in the interests of your own safety.
Oh dear.
Thank you, Mr Lester.
Have a good day.
Don't you ever say that to me again.
Do you hear? Don't ever say that!
I am very sorry, Mr Lester.
I can't stand that.
You know, it's like people who say
chow. My wife says it.
I hate it.
Oh, by the way,
as you've been a little busy
on school visits and things,
I've spoken to the lawyers
about number 27.
They're working on the dangerous
structures notice. It should be
served today.
So thank me!
Good move.
Right, now get over there and make sure
she's all packed.
And Andrew,
be nice to her.
She's an old lady.
Hey, you're not leaving
that thing there again, are you?
I won't be long.
I've murdered her and now I'm disposing of the body.
Who's that?
Quentin, open the door, you stupid git.
I'm afraid we started a little early.
We've had a bit of a disappointment,
haven't we, Miss Barwick?
I was just going to the baths.
I know.
You had a dangerous structure notice.
I thought you'd have heard.
I'd just have breakfast with the man who sent it.
Dangerous structure?
It's been like that for years.
If only you walk
in the right places.
No, thank you.
Cheers.
You're right.
The place is spectacular.
Yeah, but a dangerous structure.
We can beat that.
How?
Two ways.
One, we give the council an even bigger backhander
than your boys did.
That's a risk.
Two, we do it up.
You must be joking.
No, this little bureaucrat's playing silly games.
You're right.
The flank wall is bulging
and the chimney stack is unsafe.
But the wall's been shored up
so they can't touch her on that
and we take down the chimney stack
and get the right inspector along.
We?
OK, get Shelbourne's in.
They'll be around tomorrow, a couple of 10-ton trucks,
revolving lights, guys in turnouts.
Quentin, if anybody finds out, I'm involved.
If we stand here arguing,
she's going to be out at nine in the morning
and she won't be coming back.
He's not very good
with gas heaters.
Look, I've got to go to the car
and make a couple of calls, but I'll be back, OK?
Good. I've got something for you to do.
We need a few things.
Isabelle.
Abbey Cross Financing,
James Carroll.
Dear James, it has come to my knowledge
that work in progress on the
Caversham Street property
is being delayed due to
inter-union demarcation full stop.
I recommend immediate
termination of contract, pull out,
buy back, resale,
comma, otherwise
they can anticipate considerable...
She's putting up quite a struggle.
Will you do the staircase?
Yes, yes.
And save those bricks.
I can use them under the cooker.
You don't have a beard, do you?
I've got some videos
so turn.
Well, you don't want it,
do you?
You know, that's
not a bad job,
even though I say it myself.
It's the staircase
I'm really worried about.
First things first.
Look, I've got to get back. There's bound to be a search
out on me anyway.
While you're out, get the district surveyor
round here before five.
The one who served the notice?
No, not Beckett. I wouldn't trust him with a bike shed.
No, leave it to me.
I'll get his deputy. Nice young lad.
Very keen.
District surveyor Louise.
Mr Beckett.
What is it?
Mr Lester.
I'll take it in my office.
Put it through.
Who's been getting
a bollocking about number 27 then?
Good morning.
Yes.
There has been a problem,
Mr Lester. I can't deny that.
Unfortunately, I'm not empowered.
If I may finish,
a counter-order was signed
by my deputy, Mr Kennard, last night.
No.
But he went to the house. He made an inspection.
But he could find no adequate
reasons for a continued enforcement of a dangerous
structure order.
No, no, she didn't.
It was a solicitor, I think.
What?
Oh, um...
Mr Gilby.
You've dropped him in the ship, Mr Kennard.
Well,
I can only apologize.
But I may not be seen to ride coach and horses
through the London Building Act.
Would you like it off the bone, sir?
At least you've had the good
grace to start smoking again.
Who is this smart-ass
Gilby?
Oh, well, he's a surveyor.
Local.
Specializes in tenants' rights.
That's all I've managed to find out.
Specializes in interfering.
Sticking his nasty little socialist nose in
on behalf of the undeserving.
Apparently, she's quite
within her rights to challenge the
authorities.
Rights, rights.
You sound like a socialist now.
Well, look, uh,
I'll see what I can do, OK?
I mean, I'll look into it.
Don't bother.
What?
You're off the case.
You're too valuable, Andrew.
You're my number one.
I can't waste you on old ladies.
I want you to go to Amsterdam for me.
Today?
Yes, now.
Vollendorf's got a bank account there.
I want it checked out before we sign.
Here are the tickets.
What about Stevens?
Can't he go?
Stevens? He isn't with us anymore.
Didn't you know that?
Wasn't up to it, Andrew.
What I can do,
and there's no necessity
it'll work,
is to fill in the whole line here
as I'd suggested.
And then re-bore the words
in a different alignment
over here.
Then, provided we could dispense
with the word school...
Of course we can't dispense
with the word school.
Well, everyone knows what Melford is.
There's also a Melford prison
and a Melford mental hospital.
They're not old, though.
They don't have the tradition.
There must be no risk of ambiguity.
Well, I'll try and keep it in.
It isn't a question of trying.
You have to do it.
Now, Mr. Hardcastle, you delivered
the meteorite in this condition
and it is not good enough.
I could put Mr. Bassett on to it.
I'll have to pull him off Swindon Town Hall.
He could be AB3,
but he's expensive.
He's our granite man.
I'd have to ask the head.
Not here, old boy.
What?
Oh, my God.
Well, it's certainly the last time
I trust a younger man with a word like that.
Morris.
Poppy.
Can I come in?
Yes, of course.
Of course.
I'm awful, I know,
but some days I pull
the curtains at four.
If it's a very
dreary day
and when I feel I don't want
to be bothered with the world.
Is there anything wrong?
Are you afraid of me?
No.
I used
to have a lady,
but now I do it all myself.
Do you remember
we used to sit in here?
You and Daddy?
Daddy, of course not.
He was far too busy.
I always remember him in here,
pottering,
painting occasionally,
covering my eyes
and turning me round
and saying,
now you can look
and there would be
some terrible old stuffed bird
that he'd found
in a case.
I never remember being with him in here.
I remember waiting
for him, that's all.
Let's have some tea.
I have a small tin
of Lapsan for special occasions.
I can't stay long, Pops.
I've got to be quick.
We apologize
for the late arrival of Flight EA
41 from Raymond
and Amsterdam.
Due to adverse weather conditions.
Don't talk such utter nonsense,
Morris. They loved you
as much as me.
Then why didn't they give me the house?
I was the son-in-law.
I gave you the house
and all you did was sell it.
I sold it
to people I trusted
in order to give us both
greater financial security.
It's a highly reputable company
with a long history of
looking after property.
I looked after this one.
You insisted on staying here.
But it's our home.
It was our home.
Then why
did you never ask me?
There was nothing to ask.
I honestly believed it was for the best.
I would have understood.
No, you wouldn't.
You were all so cool
and calm and competent about things.
I was the one who was in a mess.
Well, you're out of the mess now.
And if Daddy could see you,
he'd be very proud.
Actually, Poppy,
I'm not out of the mess.
Not quite yet.
Is that why you came to see me?
You have to
leave here, Pops.
You have to go.
Look,
you don't have to worry about me.
Oh, don't be
so understanding.
I've had more work done
in the last week
than in the last ten years.
And here you are
telling me to leave.
I don't understand it,
Morris.
And nor would Daddy
who entrusted me
with all this.
Leave Daddy out of this.
It's like some wretched ghost you keep parading.
He's dead.
He's dead and so is this
house.
It's a dead weight around my neck.
Michael!
I knew it was going to happen.
He told me I could have stopped
it. I thought it was his
idea of a joke.
He said murder.
I knew it.
Daringo!
Are you sure
you're feeling all right, Mr. Vetch?
He tried to kill you.
Oh, no.
I don't think so.
Not Morris.
I think
he just wanted to frighten me.
He attacked you?
He became
angry.
The doctors have always warned
him not to get angry.
And I'm sure that's why he gets
so angry.
I think it was just
the pressure of his work
and all that.
He told me he had a very
big day coming up on Saturday.
It was just a little family
row, Mr. Vetch.
That's all.
No, Miss Barwick. It's not just
a little family row.
Look, I'll be back,
OK?
I want you to promise me one thing.
Don't let anyone in the house, anyone at all,
keep the door
locked and bolted.
I never bolt the door.
Andrew.
Thought you were in Amsterdam.
Hello, Murray.
I was just on my way to the office.
So am I. I'll give you a lift.
OK.
So this is number 27,
is it?
Can't see what all the fuss is about.
Who'd want to live
in a place like this?
Especially in the
state this neighbourhood's in.
So what happened in there?
I heard somebody tried to kill the old lady.
It was her brother.
Her brother?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Just as well you were back
in time then.
Oh, she could have been dead.
And we'd have had an empty house
on her hands.
What is it?
Falling in love?
Sally too young
for you, is she?
Too hard to handle.
Too much competition, eh?
Certainly for the older woman, are we?
All right, I am in love
with that house.
It's been home
to the same person for 90 years.
But it's leaking,
it's grubby, it's damp,
it's peeling.
But it...
it's survived.
Hmm?
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
How did you get rich then, Andrew?
How did you afford
your tasteful Victorian
terraced house on four floors
with basement, 200 foot garden
and planning permission?
You didn't get that from helping
old ladies across the street, did you?
No, you got that
from the Barnwell Street development.
Remember that?
Council with a waiting list of 4,000.
You got those properties from under their nose
and it's now a highly profitable
executive terrace.
Hopgood Street.
Ha! How the hell you got rid
of those residents there, I shall never know.
But the rent we take from those offices
is the reason you're my number one.
All right.
So you had to be a bit of a bastard every now and then.
But you know,
and I know, that's the only way
to get this frigging country moving.
Okay, now give me one more day.
We haven't got one more day, Andrew.
Vollendorf's on the
overnight plane.
We sign a 10
in Paris.
Okay, let me...
let me talk to her
tonight.
I'm sure I can sway it.
You think it's any good you talking to her, Andrew?
Yeah, and you seem to confuse her.
Because you're back so early,
I'm going to take you to one of our
other developments.
Okay.
What are we doing here?
There's been a lot of trouble on the side.
Securities,
rubbish, gear disappearing,
all that sort of thing.
The night foreman's called
Reynolds.
Fetch him out here and we'll give him a talking to.
It's not my job, Murray.
I wouldn't trust anyone else
with it.
You don't have to get your hands dirty.
Just bring him out
to see me.
I'll drive you back.
Let's go.
Just for you, Mr.
Batch.
Let's go.
Miss Barwick?
Who's that?
Miss Barwick?
I want to talk to you.
Who's that?
What do you want?
I want to talk to you.
We're here.
What do you want?
I haven't any money.
What do you want?
There's nothing to be alarmed about, Miss Barwick.
I'm a friend of Mr. Vetch. I've come to collect you.
What for?
Because it's time to go, Miss Barwick.
Go where?
Out of here.
Whatever for?
You can't live here any more. It's unsafe.
I'm not going anywhere.
Please leave my house.
Miss Barwick, I've a car.
Now, if you don't leave, you could find yourself under a pile of rubble.
I'm not going.
It's the end of the road, Miss Barwick.
Now, come along.
No!
Move!
We're starting here next week.
Your Royal Highness, thank you so much for coming.
There is a slight change of plan.
The Volendorf stone has gone away to be re-engraved.
Mr. Volendorf is engaged in important legal business and the headmaster has had a heart
attack.
The boys have got together a pageant.
You know, I'd rather you still have the house.
I suppose.
They pulled it down, have they?
Had to sell it for you.
It was the only thing to do.
Of course.
You've been a great help.
You and your wife.
Yes, but I don't feel like that.
I mean, I just came barging into your life, created total havoc and left.
You know who you remind me of, Mr. Thatch?
My father.
He was always doing things.
Always having ideas.
Always making decisions.
Well, I know someone has to.
I never could.
I shall have heaps of charms here.
Just see you, you'll end up running the hockey team.
So that's number 27, is it?
I can't see what all the fuss is about.
Who'd want to live in a place like that?
I can't see what all the fuss is about.
And now it's time for the man who takes a highly individualistic look at life, Alexi
Sayles' stuff.
Good morning, Mr. Sayles.
Good morning, Alexi.
Have a good weekend.
This week I want to have a look at the way childhood influences the formation of our personality.
I've had a better childhood than myself.
My father worked down the mines, which wasn't easy when you're a hat manufacturer.
That was very difficult for me because, you see, both my parents were members of the Communist
Party.
Me mama never let me join the scouts of the Boy's Brigade because they are neo-imperialist
fascist cardabroods.
I could have joined the Woodcraft Folk, paramilitary wing of the co-op, but I didn't fancy that
quite honestly.
So in the end I joined the Soviet Red Army at the age of seven and a half.
I was in the Merseyside branch of the 9th Gorky Rifles.
We apologize for the absence of Alexi Sayle in this week's edition of Alexi Sayle's Stuff.
We're attempting to right the problem, but in the meantime the program will continue in
Leslie Crowther only.
But I remember the bestest thing about my childhood was the Saturday afternoon drives
to Stalingrad.
We'd all pile into the old converted Panzer hatchback, have a pan of the Black Sea, cream
tea on the Odessa steps and still be home to listen to our favorite show on the radio.
How old is your grandfather Mrs. Stetson?
He's 73 and he's very infirm and up to now we've received the £4.50 bedridden allowance,
but now I've had a letter from the Social Security to say this may be withdrawn as he
sometimes gets up to go to the toilet.
Yes, well it will depend on how many times his feet actually touch the ground.
Can he hop at all?
I'm sorry?
Well if he can hop to the lavvy he may qualify for a reduced benefit of £3.86 a week.
Wow, he can just about hobble around if he howls on to the poodle.
Well he won't get any benefit there.
You'd be better off nailing one of his feet to the floor, which would entitle him to £129
partial immobility allowance.
I see.
How are his waterworks Mrs. Stetson?
Well, I mean they're a bit dicky actually.
Right, have you tried claiming the 347 incontinence relief?
Well, I mean we're loath to do that as we've been told it might cut off his fire risk payment.
That is a problem isn't it for the old folk?
Yes, I'm afraid people with leaky blooders are by law deemed to have their own emergency
sprinkler system, so it's swings and roundabouts really.
Have you and your family taken a government means test at all?
Yes, but we've failed on the trigonometry.
Yes, a lot of people find helical calculus a tricky one.
What about medical insurance, have you got any?
Er, oh no.
Oh dear, I have.
Oh good, well you should be fine then.
Will I?
Yeah, I mean you'll receive first class treatment, no problems at all.
Oh lovely, that is nice to hear, thank you very much indeed.
Not at all, thanks for calling.
Right, thank you.
And who's our next government minister who wants to annoy Mrs Stetson?
Well, we're pleased to say we've sorted out those gremlins earlier on and we're now able
to return you to Alexi Sale.
Politics, I'm very much involved in politics, quite left wing, I'm something of an anarchist.
There, told you so.
I haven't got much faith in the Labour Party, I haven't got much faith in Neil Kinnock.
I mean if I wanted a bald Harold Wilson I would have asked for one.
George Bush, he's a bit worrying isn't he really, eh?
I mean you know, Francis Bacon said, knowledge is power.
Well if knowledge is power, George Bush is a two watt light bulb.
I mean a man so stupid he has to sit face down in an armchair because he hasn't mastered
reverse yet.
One of the weird things about the left is their obsession with slogans, writing slogans
on walls, you know slogans like, jobs not bombs, as if Mrs Thatcher's going to be walking
up Wigan High Street.
Oh, jobs not bombs, oh, okay.
Mrs Thatcher wouldn't have a clue where Wigan was, Mrs Thatcher has special compasses made
with the north taken off.
You know, I do a lot of left wing benefits, one of the weird things about left wing audiences
is that you tell a joke, there's a five second delay in which the joke is politically vetted
and then they laugh, like you say, Stalin was a bit of a loony wasn't he, they go Stalin
was a bit of a loony, hmm yes I've got definite disagreements with Stalin over the collectivisation
of the cool acts, yes, and they're really worried, you know, in case you say anything
suspect, you know, like you say something like, these two women go into a shop, oh my
god, he's mentioned women, oh my god, he's mentioned women, he's going to say they're
lesbians in a minute, we're going to be laughing at lesbians, oh no, he's going to say they're
black and we're going to be laughing at black lesbians, oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no.
Honestly, that is not my style, anyway, these two black lesbians go into a shop.
Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, excuse me, yeah, beep beep, what
are you doing, oh nothing, it's the beep beep microchips broken in the beep beep reader,
so we keep having to do it ourselves, it's always bloody meek, meek, oh sorry about this,
meek, beep beep, oh, right, there you are then, sir, how much is that, no idea, the microchips
gone, how do I pay you, oh I know, I put it through the till, beep beep beep, beep beep
beep, beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, is that till working, no, I'm afraid the microchips
gone, I think I'm about to switch it to vocal override, look, couldn't you just add it up
by hand, I don't think they make a microchip hand do they, I wouldn't know what sort of
noise to make, I suppose I could go sort of, do do do do do, I happen to be in a hurry
and I just, oh in that case I just had to lie down in my basket, sir, what, do not frondle
that water buffalo, his toupee has fallen down a mine shaft, his mackerel has contracted
rabies and his mum or was lisley quavo, for your excuse, no, it's, oh terribly sorry
about that, but microchips gone I'm afraid, and we can't do anything about it because
the manufacturers, whoop whoop, whoop whoop, manufacturers simply don't, whoop whoop, pick
up the phone when we speak to, whoop whoop, whoop whoop, look for god's sake will somebody
please, whoop whoop, whoop whoop, turn that bloody car alarm off, whoop whoop, whoop whoop,
this tandy home computer is powered by a microchip which is the size of a toenail and is almost
as intelligent, everybody's got them these days, haven't they, oh yes, we've just bought
a third generation gooseberry 442b with integrated ceramic sunflower poke and five million snot
of memory, we only use it to address envelopes and defrost the occasional pizza, but it's
a real investment in technology, oh by the way, do you know the trisha knife split up,
yes, we found our disk drives weren't compatible, you go down any high street and you see millions
of people spending vast amounts of money on small black plastic boxes that can think like
bernard breslaw and talk like sparky's magic piano, but even jeffrey archer's got a weird
processor, but i don't know, does it really need him, good morning sir, having trouble,
where have you been, i found two hours ago to say we've written down in flames, ah that's
right sir, unfortunately we sent a fleet of vans to the village of flames in dorset, i
didn't know there was such a place, there isn't madam, that's what caused the delay,
there is a small hamlet called sizzles in coremore where we did send an a.a helicopter
on the off chance but you weren't there either, of course we were, we were here, i myself
made a detour through smouldering in lancashire, we just turned up this lane when there was
this terrible grinding noise, grinding noise, so we stopped the car and got out and that's
when we noticed flames, what you can see dorset from here, flames from under the bonnet, oh
i see, well let's have a little look see shall we, right, when was this car first registered,
november 1982, november 82 that will make it a sagittarius, hit your tyre pressure,
sagittarius, yes you see, look travel is indicated so put on those party clothes, but what's
that tyre pressure, cars can't lie sir, are you telling me you use horoscopes to repair
cars, that's ridiculous, yes it is isn't it sir, yes, perhaps it was registered before
the 23rd that would make it a scorpio, yes here we are, tomorrow's new moon means a romantic
involvement will put you in a spin and your brake fluid will leak at the master cylinder
causing excessive travel on the pedal, i don't believe this, tomorrow your social circle
will widen making you the envy of all and your small n valve cylinder will develop a
persistent rattling noise, this man is driving me close to insanity, is that insanity in
hampshire sir or pence, look we're AA members and we're stranded here miles from anywhere,
oh right well in that case sir for an extra four pounds a year you could join our AA restart
scheme, well what does that involve, well if you break down anywhere in the united kingdom
during the day or night you can ring up derby county football club and they'll send out
their physiotherapist.
We apologize to viewers in some areas of the country who may still be experiencing interference
from Leslie Crowther and her screens, this is due to freak atmospheric conditions and
there is therefore no need to adjust your set.
You know holidays are a relatively new idea aren't they, i mean in the old days a holiday
was when the king stopped hitting you for a bit or you might celebrate a saint's day
like saint patron saint of alcoholics, these days people have two or three holidays a year
don't they, oh yes we had three weeks on the greek island of asbestos, we were fantastic,
we all sunbathed topless, we all took our heads off and we had a lovely hotel, it was only
five minutes from the beach by phone, that's really lovely, recently i went to greece i
went with me girlfriend, girlfriend's a model, at the moment she's an airfix kit of a stooker
dive bomber but they're called the land of the lotus users, i'm very sorry but it's not
my idea of a holiday to sit around all day eating sports cars and holiday souvenirs can
be such a problem can't they, i mean the things people bring you back like when somebody brings
you back a diamond that's been prized out of the eye of an evil god and it's got a terrible
case on it and you end up getting mated by evil thuggy fanatics, that happens all the
time, by 1936 einstein was rocking the world of science with his alternative theories of
creation in which he postulated that the big bang was caused by a stray cigarette end,
i have already proved that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, the corollary
of this must be that nothing can travel slower than second class mail, when time comes to
a standstill, then a year later as the storm clouds gathered over europe einstein was forced
to flee the country, what happened to einstein in those early war years has until now remained
shrouded in mystery but we can now reveal that between 1937 and 1940 albert einstein
the father of modern physics was living in london england writing scripts for george
formby films, he was put together with veteran gag writers squib hovercraft and buster gingold
to work on formby's character development and motivation but the results of their collaboration
a gorky simpleton with big teeth who inadvertently stumbles on a new theory of particle wave duality
was never a comfortable blend, come on george give us a song, alright then, in 1666 an apple
fell on newton's head as he was sitting out upon the lawn, when he woke from his skip it
gave him the pit and thus the lord of gravity was born, he said this lord it's true i'm
telling you and applies to pairs of bodies everywhere, their attraction you can state
proportional to their weights in accordance with the little rule of inverse square, but
now we know that the celestial equations were really on occasions pretty daft, hey i'm impressed
would never have guessed when an object moves it's heavier than when it's arrest, the laws
of perihelion motion have changed, a cosme notions now can't be compared, one night in
my observatory we'd reached an impasse, now tell me what's the matter said the lovely young
lass, i said he's late intelligent condensed into mass, cos he's c equals mc squared, he
never varies, he's c equals mc squared, not on your belly, no it's c equals mc squared,
then that's nice again isn't it, fired from his job at british go month, for six months
in 1939 einstein became briefly the eighth member of the crazy gang, the following year
with hitler triumphant and no end to the war in sight, churchill and roosvelt on their
way back from the war office happened to drop into the roxy theatre tooting where a new
unknown act was topping the bill, at once the allied leaders knew that they had found
the man whose scientific theories could help them build an atomic bomb and crush the enemy,
then that's nice again isn't it, you know people often say to me alexi why are you drunk
all the time, i say because i can afford to be, the other reason i drink a lot is because
i'm a vegetarian, you see the thing is the booze is always made out of vegetables or
fruit or grain or something, it's never made out of meat, you see if somebody offered me
like a beef wine or a pork martini i would almost certainly refuse, actually i'm lying,
it's not true i don't drink at all, just mineral water and i work out in the gym 28 times a
day and i eat the odd free range organic radish because i don't want to die, i'm getting older
and i don't want to die, i don't want to die, i don't want to die, sorry, you know when
you're young your very devil may care aren't you, oh yeah i'll drink that radiator fluid
when i was young i was very heavily into drug abuse, i used to run into boots and shout
insults at bottles of paracetamol, the victorians put a lot of faith into weird pills and potions
and we do the same with alternative medicine, for example for five years i visited a homeopathic
hypno osteopath that i found through the small ads pages in classified sadist magazine, over
those five years she managed to transform a minor ache into a major deformity, i got
really depressed and i made finally what they call a half-hearted suicide attempt, tried
to slash me wrists with a tomato, eventually it was time to seek real professional help.
Mr Seale, if i can't dress you for you now, you lilly.
You crikey.
Now i'll just say some words one at a time and you say the first thing that comes into
my head is the word association, that's the word i don't want to say, it's called dissociation,
that's you inside the brain, i just said the word association and it's driving me insane.
Ok, worrying, sheep, little bird, peep, trouser, breast, long neck, tortoise, oh sonnets.
The word association is giving me away, the word association says the words i don't want
to say, it's driving me insane.
The word association is giving me away, the word association says the words i don't want
to say, the word association gets you inside the brain, that's the word association that's
driving me insane.
Mr Seale you've got the flippiest mind, i'm really terrified of what i might find, but
the word association is giving me away, the word association says the words i don't want
to say, it's driving me insane.
I've heard full lies about me recently in the press, i'd like to catch the bastard who's
been going round saying i'm anorexic, it's a complete lie, i can read and write as good
as anything, mind you recently i have been suffering from morning sickness, because every
time i read about the royal family i throw up, but you know there's a myth about the
queen, there's a myth about the queen that whenever she speaks to anybody they can never
remember what she's said, that's because the queen actually speaks her mind, she's
going up to people going hello you're a disgusting little working class kid aren't you, goodness
gracious you're an abominable little person aren't you, and they're all going ooo god
bless you your majesty, ooo thank you, ooo blow your nose on the carpet your majesty,
thank you your majesty god bless you your majesty.
Mind you people do love the royals don't they, but people would love me if i'd married prince
charles, ooo i absolutely love princess alexi in a lovely silk and fettuccine gown by brittford,
ooo i do love it, princess alexi she's so regal and gracious when she drinks six pints
of lager.
Following the fall of the FT100 share index, shirts have fallen by 15 stripes to 83.
Our phylofaxes remain marginally fatter at 650 pages.
And the bank of england has been forced to support trousers with red braces as faces
fall by three points, talking about skiing in restaurants still fairly loud at 82 decibels
and crispy hair still holding despite the runner on gel.
But now we'll take a look at one of the most prestigious awards in british industry, the
queens award for capitalist exploitation.
And this year's runner up is mr desire grad grind with his private old people's home in
yorkshire called do the pensioners hall.
But reporting on this year's winner now is gabin scartissou.
The northeast, social wasteland.
But it's to this industrial desert that a new source of employment has been introduced
from overseas.
For here on tineside is the first uk factory of the machahi motor company.
Welcome to machahi car company, new centre of golden opportunity in dispossession north.
Machahi is a happy company, it is caring company.
Which believes in the dignity of human existence.
You will now prostrate yourselves before divine managing director.
People say that the japanese have introduced slavery conditions not seen in britain for
the last 200 years.
And that our own industry has now been so decimated by overseas competition that we're
now simply a third world status assembly plant for foreign goods.
But what these people don't seem to realise is that we don't care.
We couldn't give a monkey's mister.
I personally could not give a tinker's toilet panel.
Sure I speak for the prime minister when I say that not one single man jacobus could
give a tuppany vomit gin.
Of course it's the competitive engineering technology that really gives the japanese
the edge.
The new machahi songbird for example is constructed not from heavy sheet metal but by origami.
And finally of course there's the rigorous safety testing.
Capricorn, your car will be involved in a violent crash and test drive skid fun.
But don't despair for this is a lucky time for lovers and fat moped riders in red trash
helmets will today run into someone new, glamorous and exciting.
His name is Leslie Crowther.
Oh it's a funny old world isn't it eh?
If you've just started subscribing to BBC Video World you don't have to miss past issues.
For only £15 a tape including postage, packing and insurance back numbers are available from
the United Kingdom.
The United States of America.
Australia.
And Hong Kong.
While supplies last contact your local office for further information.
Thanks for watching.
See you next time.