This is the latest home video show. Tonight we're starting off in a very Australian way with a jar of Vegemite and a small child.
Oh, you've been battering something with Vegemite, have you?
What Vegemite? Oh, that Vegemite! Oh, well, see, um, and she's on the label that it's a spritz. I thought I'd spritz him about.
Why do you think I'm playing you that?
Mum says it's rude to stick out your tongue.
These girls have an agent who feels that they could be the next Spice Girls, but no, the girl on the left is a bit too much spice, sorry.
A promising career caught short. That's another example of the gap that exists between someone's intention and where they actually finish up, just like the driver of this four-wheel drive.
So how much are you asking for this? Oh, we'll discuss price after I show you what it can do. It's a fantastic climber. Watch this!
Ready to race me dead?
Well, son, I've never ridden a bike before, but how hard could it be? Ready, set, go!
Yeah? Well, these aren't a bad mode of transport. I missed it by that much. Well, maybe not.
The only way I'm going to be first from here is if I go cross-country, and if I'm subtle, no one will notice.
I don't have a problem with that. That's the way I park. I like to live life on the edge, a bit like these next people. Life's never boring for them.
I don't think this is a good spot, Bluey. I haven't seen a single fish all day.
Well, you're right, mate. Let's go somewhere else. I know a spot with a fish leap right in the boat.
Let go of the stick, Lee, and I'll lead. No, Cameron, you always lead. Give me a go. Now I lead. It's traditional.
Okay, but it's all yours.
How long do I have to keep doing this? Until we get the floor polish fixed. Well, that could be weeks.
Look, just get back down and butt-buff. Five more times around the mall should do it, Herbie. Twist your body, son, you got it?
Nervin is so much brighter and alert since he started working out on the treadmill.
His reflexes are so finely tuned that he seems to know everything that's going on, except behind him.
Do you know the rules, Johnna? No, but I still know how to win.
You're gonna miss. You're gonna miss. Shut up, or you'll get what for. You're gonna miss. That does it.
People go to such extremes and such expense to have fun.
Animals, on the other hand, can have fun with whatever and whoever is available.
Come on, baby, give me a kiss.
Oh, I shouldn't have been. I really shouldn't have. Come on, just one little kiss, baby.
Okay, but only because she looks so mysterious in that mask.
Where is that woman standing over there by the wall? I'm not sure, but I think she's little by a pink little brownie.
Hello, folks. I'm telling you, we'd find our own way home.
No matter what species you are, it's hard being a mother.
Do you like this game, Skippy? I'm sure I do.
Hey, watch where you're putting your hands.
Hey, that's why I like this game.
Send your tapes to Australia's funniest home video show, Lockback 999, Crows Nest, New South Wales 2065.
Every Australian video shown on the television receives the latest video from Warner Home Video plus a Nintendo Game Boy.
Australia, Australia, this is you.
Tonight, travel at Winfred Louder.
The star ain't big enough for the two of us, pig.
There's gotta be a gunfight.
I think I just screwed myself big time.
Was it as bad for you as it was for you?
The True Kerry Show, 8 o'clock tonight on 9.
I've never been more nervous in my life.
In this marriage of Roy and Gillian.
Coffee?
But over Nose Cafe, you can see the funny side.
At least your hands stop shaking.
So what now?
More coffee?
No more coffee.
Every day, thousands of Australians quit smoking.
Some go it alone, others get help.
Hello?
Yeah, look, I want to quit smoking.
Sure, well you've taken the first step, that's great.
Have you tried gum and patches before?
Hello, Quitline, how can I help you?
I could send you a quit book if you'd like.
Planning ahead is really important.
So how are you going with your quitting?
Not everyone successfully quits first time.
Quitting is never easy, but you can do it.
Call Quitline on 131-848-131-848.
Like a new digital phone and the chance to win a holiday?
MobileNet and you can.
Right now you can win a $10,000 holiday every day.
When you connect and stay connected to MobileNet,
you can take off to places like Cradle Mountain,
Hayman Island, the Dane Tree or Cable Beach.
So for your chance to win a luxury holiday,
see your nearest MobileNet dealer for details.
Last time, Labour made all sorts of promises about hospitals,
but our waiting lists ended up the worst in Australia.
And now they're making promises again.
Where's the money coming from?
Don't risk Labour.
Authorised by Ken Crook and Greg Goebel
for the National Liberal Coalition, Brisbane.
Morning.
Morning, Dad.
I'm getting breakfast, Granddad.
You sit here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Cornflakes?
What?
Oh, go on then.
Delicious golden flakes of corn drenched in ice-cold milk.
Mmm.
Now can we go out and play, Granddad?
Mmm.
There's no rush.
Kellogg's Cornflakes.
Have you forgotten how good they taste?
Clumbers, rabbits, mazes, monkeys, demons, dragons, good!
Evil, juggles, puzzles, bells, bombs.
Stick it.
Stick it in your pocket.
Stick it in your pocket.
Stick it.
Seven days and seven nights.
Four fools chained to the king of Lang Park.
Pigeons give it a horn.
It is.
Our late footy's most fanatical fans.
Good luck, boys.
Find out when the footy show begins live from Brisbane, Thursday, 9.30 on Nine.
Australia, Australia, this is you.
I hope you forgot your warm woolies on because yesterday was the official start of winter.
I don't like the cold because your hands freeze, your nose freezes, your ears freeze.
Apparently even your brain can freeze.
Oh, stay inside, Heidi, and finish your tea.
Feels so good to step outside after all those months waiting for my broken leg to heal.
Well, this is the same river I fell into last summer.
Of course, it ain't summer no more and I'm a lot smarter.
Two, three, four.
That's a good shot, honey.
I got you starting off a scooter up there.
Think you can round up our other dog, King, for our video library?
Honey.
Oh, this looks pretty impossible.
I don't think this can be done, but I'll give it a try.
Here goes.
He made it halfway down, but I hardly broke anything.
I'm not near as good a skier as you are, glam, but I will come and save you.
Here I am, buddy.
Oh, good.
Oh, now we can go downhill together.
Oh, look, there's the lodge.
Oh, and there's the ledge.
Tell me again what I've got to do.
You get up the lift and you ski down the mountain.
I don't think I can do that.
Well, that's the only way down.
Well, that's a jib.
They've gone resourceful.
I'll meet you in the parking lot, eh?
Whistle.
Engine revs.
Two days later...
I want to have fun.
I wonder why they call this the nursery slope.
Oh, nurse, nurse.
It's clear sledding, nothing in my way, no trees, no bushes, no twigs.
I see nothing but snow.
It might be winter for them, but in just four weeks' time,
three of our grand final contenders will think it's spring
as they spring into the air with joy after winning one of these prizes.
Third prize is $30,000 worth of JVC Home Entertainment,
including a 61-inch rear projection TV, compact Hi-Fi system, two VHS VCRs,
plus the world's smallest digital video camera.
All of these great products come to you from JVC.
Second prize is the Mazda MPV.
With a quiet but powerful 3.0-litre V6 engine,
the MPV's standard features include dual airbags, power windows,
plus the capacity to seat eight.
And this great car could be yours thanks to Mazda.
And now to our exciting first prize of $75,000 cash from Minty's.
If you have an embarrassing Minty's moment,
send it to Australia's funniest home video show.
It's moments like these you need, Minty's.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm really looking forward to the grand final.
I can't wait to see the look on the winners' faces
when they realise they've won a major prize.
And I'm hoping we have an over-the-top reaction like this bridegroom.
...presentative of Jesus Christ before Almighty God
and in the name of the Father and of his Son Jesus
and by the power of the Holy Spirit of God.
LAUGHTER
That's what I was thinking.
I'll now pronounce you one together.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, glory!
Oh!
Oh, glory!
Wait, I didn't say it yet, man.
Oh, glory!
Oh!
You are now...
Oh!
Oh!
Husband and wife.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
You may kiss the bride. Go ahead.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, glory!
Oh, glory!
OK, go ahead.
You're all right.
Oh, glory!
Oh, glory!
APPLAUSE
If that's how happy he was at the wedding,
he's going to be thrilled on his honeymoon.
But weddings in general are a happy occasion
and probably the biggest day in a girl's life.
I think I'll wait a while before I take the plunge.
Oh, no!
I've got confetti down my cleavage!
Oh, don't worry, Kim. I'll help get it out.
LAUGHTER
But, William, don't you think that the groom should be doing that?
LAUGHTER
My bride-to-be wanted a spring wedding,
but my best men insisted on autumn when the leaves are falling.
Oh!
Now I'm married, Mum.
These are things you told me to remember.
Never let him out for a night with the boys,
get his pay packet unopened every Friday,
insist on a joint bank account
and bring him round every weekend to your house
so you can keep telling him how lucky he is.
You may be absolutely the happiest girl...
I always say you shouldn't marry someone else
unless you really know them.
And I just want you to know how proud I am
that I can finally say that I am Mrs...
LAUGHTER
OK, grown-up, don't more tuck it out.
It's too stuffy and my shirt's too tight,
so I'm drowning in a towel.
Figuratively, of course, but I've got a pill out of the frow in here.
LAUGHTER
Can you also now support them
in all they may encounter in their journey ahead?
Please say we will.
Oh, no!
LAUGHTER
Manuel, the clumsy drinkswadder strikes again.
Oh, jeez, I knew I should have never got married.
This bad luck started already.
The drinks are on me! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
LAUGHTER
The problem with some of the videos we show
is that the action happens way too fast.
It's over before you even know it.
So we were wondering if the videos were just as funny slowed down.
And you know what? They are.
MUSIC
LAUGHTER
I'm a monster!
I'm a monster!
I'm a monster!
I'm a monster!
Look!
you to help you to help you have your say in Queensland keep an eye on your
letterbox for this the Queensland state election quick guide every home will get
one and it has information about your electorate voting system the candidates
even your nearest polling booth it contains everything you need to know
about giving yourself a say in Queensland
when you're too tense it's common sense to relax a little
relax relax relax relax
today's labor Peter Beattie listens really this is that's today's labor
hospital waiting lists are just too long we'll cut them education is about
opportunity for our children not billboards in schools to raise money my
priority is to put people first he's a doer not a dither today's labor will get
Queensland moving again
or throw Spain cars rail papers been your Wednesday night is set to explode
the all-action blockbuster
lethal weapon to Wednesday on nine
I love birds I think most people do but what a lot of people don't realize is how
versatile birds can be they don't just have to be pets or dinner there are so
many other services birds can offer us
just hold the tightness of course
I don't think that's straight rip it up and do it again give me a share that
one no way make well cut this then give you would you like something to eat
that's a stupid question that's why I'm sitting here begging that's how we get
fed well we bagpipes don't believe it biggie okay sweet I'll be watching you
for some time I gotta tell you I like the way you move baby
okay well there's no need to be so anxious I mean we got all day you know
it's time now for our studio audience to decide which of tonight's final four
Australian videos should win our weekly prizes so in random order they are first
up feathered foreman long lunch and finally grooming tips
the fourth place runner-up receives is easy to use video director editing system from hotkey
well our studio audience do their best to sort out the finalists why don't we
find out why this show is such a favorite with families it's an old
Latvian saying you know you're getting old when you could no longer jump over
your children come on squeeze in I want to get all of you in the picture I don't
want to be in the picture I want to be center of the picture when you're angry
with your mom after 10 first then hit up I know and here's some more knockout
news the name of tonight's third prize winner and it's been won by long lunch
sent in by Sharon and Rob Jordan from Kalabajar in Queensland congratulations Sharon and Rob you have just won two and a half
thousand dollars worth of products from rent low when low deliver and install so
just ring and rent low on one three two three double one now I'm sure everyone
knows the expression when you gotta go you gotta go well here's a dog that's
got a guy and go and go Franklin you had a pee huh
yeah boy you really had a pee huh he's still going
macro look still going boy all's well that ends well unless it's the end of
the weekend and back to work but it's no secret that many people suffer Monday
artists for them any Monday is a blue one
there's gonna be a gunfight the story big enough for the two of us big the
Drew Carey show next on nine weather update is brought to you by radiant
laundry concentrate good evening another mostly dry day around southeast Queens
and tomorrow for Brisbane we'll see cloud increasing with some showers around
the temperatures will be 16 to 23 degrees and looking further ahead
Thursday Friday and Saturday fine and a mostly fine day for Sunday so left you
in charge grandpa yep I'm in charge you call five I'm qualified experience I
looked after you were dead when he was a kid
Ben's lots times and particularly they taste good I'm so kind of stuff just cuz they taste good
they're packed with protein anything else the low in fat huh and they're high
in fiber fiber what I need fiber for keep you regular what's regular what are
you a cop just want to get facts grandpa you sure ask a lot of questions
kids my job
it's all go around here but lunch it's my time to slide down and see what's
happening in the paper I get the crew now most days and always Wednesdays for
the car 98 lift out I'm in the cars anything on wheels if cars are your
thing catch up with the courier males car 98 lift out every Wednesday there's
something for everyone in the courier mail that's why I like the courier man
like to save at least 50% on peak mobile rates mobile net and you can
today's labor I like what I say with Peter Beatty he listens to people that's
today's labor we do is not to there is my priority is to put people first today's
labor tackle unemployment head-on with apprenticeships and practical plans
reduce crime with more police on the beat where they need it today's labor
will get Queensland moving again
authorised by m Kaiser ALP Brisbane just watching the car at dogs chickens I just
wanted the world's greatest deal and I got it new festiva 3990 drive away with
every six-step CD and a thousand dollars cash back for Steven no chickens no dogs
just the world's greatest deal extended warranties for cars and household goods
make sure you read the fine print you may not be getting value for those extra
dollars plus who's to blame Brisbane families living in substandard rental
properties extra 530 tomorrow online
the best way to see the world was to join the Navy well perhaps the Navy is
best for tourism but do they have as many laughs as the army they're the
Portuguese army and they're looking for a few good choreographers
we are gathered here today to honor Captain Bruce Armstrong for outstanding
bravery in the face of enemy fire
this is not what it seems at first glance you might think that this is a
large gun actually it's a very small soldier now all he has to do is learn
how to lift it but now to tonight's second prize winner and tonight it's
been won by
you're about to receive this fantastic home video outfit from JVC which
includes a television his high-five VCR plus this compact camcorder all from JVC
when performance matters with a prize like that you'll be sitting pretty just
like these guys
that's nervous laughter if I've ever heard it
I don't know why maybe it has something to do with the phrase ejection seat
now from one hot seat to another that of tonight's first prize courtesy of our
friends at McDonald's family restaurants and this week it goes to
plucky took sent in by
okay sweet I'll be watching you for some time and I've got to tell you I like the
way you move baby well there's no need to be so anxious I mean we got all day
congratulations Peter and Angela only McDonald's for seven thousand
McDonald's yes the world's favorite restaurant will be sending you seven
thousand dollars cash which is a lot of big mac
winners and thanks to everyone who sent videos in before we go we have time for
one more video that proves racing cars isn't dangerous provided you stay in the
car so until next week keep those cameras rolling good night
and the advice on buying and installing a second hand kitchen a new type here for
unexpected showers and check out Jeff Watson's favorite room 730 Wednesday on
channel 9
you
if you'd like to be part of our studio audience then call double nine six five
two four two five anytime to book your free tickets