Hi, this is Lucinda, and we're back, and this is Session 6, Stop Being Angry and Control
Your Mood Swings. You know, these little blue cards are pretty handy. I hope you're using
yours. Think before you react. How many of us do that? I know when I had severe anxiety
and panic disorder, anger was one of my worst emotions, and I had a lot of problems with
it. I had a lot of old past angers, and you know what past anger is, don't you? Well,
it's just another way to let the person you're angry at that you're holding onto from the
past control you in your present moment. I know we had a guy who was in group who had
a school teacher or someone who was angry at, and he was angry at her for 30 years,
and what he didn't realize is that remaining angry at her for 30-some years, he carried
her along with her throughout his life, and she didn't even care about him anymore. She
wasn't even thinking about him anymore, and yet he was still mad at her. Anger is actually
a useful emotion, and there is a reason for it, but it's controlled anger. It's anger
that comes from assertive behavior, which is what we're going to talk about on the next
video. Anger is an emotion that can be very, very negative, and just like negative thinking,
anger is an addictive, bad habit. So ask yourself, are you an angry person? Do you
vent your anger? Do you take your anger out on other people? Do you take your anger on
yourself, out on your husband, or your wife, or your children, or on your co-workers maybe?
Or are you the kind of person, similar to one lady who went through one of our groups
at work, I'm so in control, I'll do everything for anybody, I'm a people pleaser, I'm a yes
person, but when I get home, a spilt glass of milk sends me over the edge. I lose control
of my husband for the simplest things. I'm so mad at my kids all the time, I'm afraid
they're going to remember me as a bad, angry mom. Is that you? You know, the problem with
that kind of behavior is sometimes we people with anxiety hold our anger in, because we
don't want anyone to think that again, we're out of control, but we show our anger at home
around people that we know will love us in spite of ourselves. Well, believe it or not,
they don't like it either, and there's nothing pleasant about anger. If you use anger effectively,
then anger has a place. So how do we use anger effectively? Well, I want you to try a little
technique that I call, actually I've called it 10 second timeout, but since I've been
doing this for the last 14 years now, I really have come to believe that a 24 hour timeout
is much more effective when dealing with anger. In other words, again, recognize this as an
addictive behavior pattern, a negative bad habit that you've gotten into, and if you
respond the same way you've always responded, guess what you're going to get? The same result
you've always gotten. So what you want to do is learn to respond differently. And the
best thing you can do when someone makes you angry, which really no one can make you angry,
you let them make you angry, I know you've heard that before and you want to punch somebody
out when they say it, but it's true. When someone gets to you and gets under your collar,
gets under your crawl or whatever and makes you mad, back off and take a timeout. Don't
respond at all. What you need to do is say, you know what, in your mind, I'm not going
to respond to this, back away and don't respond for 24 hours. Now I know this sounds crazy,
but it works. What will happen is if you wait until the next day, half the time the anger
or resolves on its own. The other half of the time, that 24 hours gives you time to
really sit back and evaluate what is my long-term end result, because that's what we're concerned
about with anger. What do I want to get here? What do I want to accomplish? If all you want
to accomplish is making the other person mad, all you've got to do is yell and you'll get
that, because when you start talking to somebody, they immediately get assertive or aggressive
back to you and start defending themselves. So the best thing you can do is take a 24-hour
timeout and say, wait a minute, what do I want to happen here? What do I want to resolve?
So the next time you're feeling angry, I want you to stop, again, put that big red stop
sign up there, back off, walk away, hang up the phone, say goodbye, whatever you've got
to do, get out of the room, change the way, change your presence, change your stance,
change your present moment, react differently, get away, and then give yourself 24 hours
to think about the end result. What do you want to accomplish? Do you want to get the
other person mad, too? Probably not. Do you want them to understand your point? Yeah,
maybe that's it. Do you want to change something in the future so that it doesn't happen the
way it just happened? Whatever you want to do, if you take 24 hours to evaluate why you're
angry about, what you're angry about, where it came from, and what you want to happen
as an end result, you'll be so much more effective, and then you can work on being assertive when
you go back to confront the person. When someone else is angry at you, do you know, this is
so interesting, but it has very little to do with you. How many times do you come home
from work agitated, irritated, and tired, and take it out on someone in your family?
This goes back to the guilt syndrome of maybe I'm not a good enough parent because I'm angry
at my kids, or I'm angry at my husband, or I'm angry or irritable with my wife. Well,
instead of beating yourself up, use this as a messenger. Maybe your anger needs to change.
Maybe you need to lay off the caffeine so you're not so irritable at the end of the
day, or the Snickers bar during the afternoon break, because all of that sugar and that
bells up in your system, and by the time you get home, you're more exhausted than you would
have been without it, and you're more irritable. So, let's take a look at where your anger
comes from. Is it past anger? Is it present anger? Is it worthy anger? Is it something
you absolutely have a valid reason to be angry about, or is it a waste of your time? Do you
want to make somebody else mad, or do you want to make a point and have someone understand
the point you're trying to get across? I think when you take the anger test, you're going
to realize if you are an angry person, and you should know that now anyway. Just because
you keep your anger inside and you don't let it out, that doesn't mean you don't have
anger. What we do recognize and understand is that there are three choices you have when
you're dealing with anger. You can either modify the situation, eliminate the situation,
or learn to be less affected. I love the line, being less affected and more effective. If
we can learn to be less affected and more effective in dealing with life in general,
that's going to help to control our anxiety. Anger is an emotion, and lots of times anger
almost feels good because your heart's pounding, you're breaking out in a sweat, you feel all
revved up like a car in high gear with the brakes on, and yet you can justify the feelings.
There's a reason for it. I'm mad. And even though anger is a negative emotion, hey, at
least you know you're alive, right? It's better than feeling nothing at all, but it's not.
Anger can be very destructive. The only purpose for anger is to help you be a better communicator.
Again, back off and ask yourself, what do I want the outcome of this anger to be? What's
the purpose of my anger? Where is it coming from? Give yourself 24 hours to figure it
out, and then ask yourself, what can I do about this situation? Can I modify it? Can
I change something around so I'm not so mad about it? Can I eliminate it? Can I get rid
of it completely, or can I be less affected in dealing with this particular situation
and more effective? I had a friend who, I remember when the seat belt law came out,
I had a friend who was actually angry about that seat belt law. Now, isn't that just
ridiculous? And the reason she was so angry, she didn't want anyone telling her that she
had to wear a seat belt. Is that a control freak or what? Ask yourself, is your anger
coming from the fact that someone's trying to control you, someone or something is trying
because we are so big on control that that's very often where you'll find your anger is
stemming from, the issue of control. And then ask yourself, how can I let go of the need
to always be in control of everything? Because you can't control everything. You know, true
control comes when you actually relinquish some of your control. Turn it over to somebody
else. Give up a little bit. Ease up a little bit. Let other people have input in some of
your life. As it says on your little blue card, remember, anger is a human emotion.
There is a reason for it. Anger can be resolved and dissolve and then you need to let it go.
I think that's good advice. I'll see you next week.
Hello again. This is session seven, assertive behavior. Have you ever seen anyone who has
really mastered the art of effective, assertive communication in action? Well, I have. When
I was agoraphobic and I had anxiety, I don't think I knew what assertive behavior was.
I knew what anger was. Anger was something that just came like that for me. It was a
natural response. I grew up in an angry family. My father was angry. My brothers were angry.
My sister was angry. And so we didn't know what assertive communication was all about.
The first time, as a matter of fact, the interesting thing is I think in my life you were either
really angry or you just gave in and you were totally passive. And I think that may be common
to families where there's alcoholism. So I was either on one side of the fence with a
lot of anger and a lot of attitude or I was on the other side of the fence where I was
kind of passive and a wimp and somebody take care of me and I don't know what to do. And
neither one of those behaviors are healthy. There's a medium. There's a happy in between
and that's called effective, healthy, assertive behavior. You know, when you are assertive
and you are expressing your anger, it's all in body language and voice control. I remember
when we first started doing our groups for anxiety disorder and I was working with Dr.
Fisher, who's the medical director for the Midwest Center. And a lady called up. She had come to an
introductory workshop and she sat back kind of like this, you know, and you could tell she had
an attitude. She probably came from a similar background as mine. And she was, she had made up
her mind when she walked in that room that she wasn't going to benefit from this program and
that she wasn't going to get helped in this group. And you could just see it all over her face,
this kind of negative skepticism. So finally she calls back a couple of weeks later because no one
followed up to see if she wanted to be in group. And she said, why didn't anyone call me? I think
I want to be in your group. And I said, you do. Why don't you, let's talk about it a little bit.
And she went on and on. And the next thing you knew within two minutes, she was complaining about
why this program wasn't going to work for her or anybody else. And how did we think we could cure
people of something like this that they've had all their lives and blah, blah, blah. And she was so
negative and so nasty to me. And I didn't even know this woman. And I got all flustered and I ran
into Dr. Fisher's office. And I said, I don't know what to do with this woman. She's, she's saying all
these mean things and she's, she's very negative. And he said, hold on. And he picked up the phone
and he said, Mariam, this is Dr. Fisher. What can I do for you? And she said, well, I think maybe I
want to be in your group, but I'm not sure because I don't think you can do this. And I don't think
you can do that. And you know what he said? He said, Mariam, this isn't the group for you.
Why don't you look elsewhere for help? Thank you for your time. And he hung up.
I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that you didn't have to let someone walk all over you.
I couldn't believe how calm his voice was. And as I sat in group with this man week after week and
year after year, I saw him exercise the most incredible control when he was angry or when he
had to speak up and say something to someone. And it was amazing the respect he commanded
when he used this assertive behavior. If you haven't acquired the art of assertive communication,
then boy, oh boy, have you got to work on that. What it means is the next time you want to get
angry or the next time someone is pushing your buttons, back off and react assertively. Watch
your body language. Stand confidently. Talk confidently. Don't raise your voice. When you
raise your voice, you set off a signal just like that, that you're upset about something and that
they're getting to you. And again, it's about pushing your buttons. Always use I messages.
I feel that you, I think when you said that it made me feel this way. I allowed myself to feel
this way. When you start screaming at someone else and blaming someone else, they're, they've
already blocked you out. I guarantee it because they're already sitting there saying, how can I
defend myself? What can I say to her so that she's going to hear me? What you need to do is instead
speak assertively with controlled voice and I messages. I feel this way. I am thinking this.
This is my feeling about this particular situation. Speak in assertive tones, not angry tones. As some
of you know, I've written a book recently called From Panic to Power. Proven techniques to calm
your anxieties, conquer your fears, and put you in control of your life. And I think it's a
wonderful book. The book was written from my heart and it's, it's my story. It's not the attacking
anxiety program. It's my story of struggle and triumph. And I talk about my relationship with
David and I almost destroyed that relationship with David with my anger at one time. And when I,
when I really understood the difference between angry behavior, which is violent and powerful
and controlling and assertive behavior, which, you know, it's something you've really got to work at
because anger is a very bad habit when you do it. And the more you do it and the better you get at
it, again, it's that second nature of behavior. That's what all this anxiety is. You've gotten
used to doing things a certain way. And before you even think it through, you're doing it again
and you're doing it again. And that's, that's why nothing changes for you. And even taking a pill
isn't going to change your anger behavior into effective, assertive communication.
One of the things I did in this book that I want to share with you is I listed the things that we
have a right to the entitlements that we have in our life. You have a right to ask for what you
need. You have a right to ask for attention, reassurance, appreciation, and affirmation,
and not feel bad or weak because of it. You have a right to be told that you're doing a good job,
that you're a good employee, a good parent, a good husband, a good wife, even a good lover.
You have a right to ask for and receive compliments on things that you've done or achieved.
And you have a right to enjoy those compliments. I remember there was a time for me in my life
when, when someone would say to me, for example, I love your dress, I'd say, oh, thanks. This is
nothing. I've had it for five years. I got it at whatever, you know, I would immediately start
justifying why I didn't deserve a compliment. I didn't take compliments. Well, you have a right
to make mistakes. That's a great one. I used to think that if I made a mistake, I was a loser.
No, mistakes are the stair steps to success. I can't tell you how many mistakes I've made in
my life and continue to make. And you have to just kind of blow them off and say, okay,
what did I learn from that? What can I learn from that? You have a right to say what's on your mind
and people don't always have to listen, but you have a right to say it. You have a right to your
opinion and it doesn't have to be like someone else's. You have a right to stand up for yourself
and be taken seriously. You have a right to say no without an explanation. Now there's a good one.
I remember when I used to say no to someone that asked me to do a favor for them, I would start
explaining and justifying why I couldn't do it and just get myself into a vicious cycle. And before
you know it, I was saying yes, because my note didn't make any sense anymore. So you have a right
to say no and you don't have to tell people why you're saying no. No, I'm sorry. I can't. And you
move on. You have a right to express your anger. Yes, you do. You have a right to your anger,
but try to express it assertively. You have a right to not always be on. You have a right
to not always feel good or be sociable or be up. I remember when I was taking this course on,
I think, motivation and self-esteem. And they said, even when you don't feel like smiling,
smile. And I'm like, wait a minute, there's something about that that doesn't feel right.
Some days, you know, maybe I just don't feel like smiling and that's okay. You don't have to walk
around with pomegranate all the time. That's not real anyway. You have a right to be happy
and you also have a right to be sad. You have a right to feel insecure. You have the right to
feel confident. You have a right to question things that you don't understand. And there are
no stupid questions. You have a right to feel good about who you are, whether you're overweight,
whether you're underweight, whether you smoke, whether you don't. These are unhealthy behaviors,
smoking and being overweight, but you can still love who you are. You have a right to healthy,
good, loving relationships and friendships. You have a right to pick your own friends,
even if they differ from your partners, friends. You have a right to spend time with your friends
and you have a right to spend time on yourself. And you have a right to ask for help from this
program, from a book, from a therapist, from a minister, from a doctor, from anyone that you
think can help you. You have a right to have peace of mind and you have a right to spend
more time alone on your own. You have a right to rest. And you have a right to your dreams.
You have a right to do what's fun for you, as long as it doesn't hurt someone else. And you have a
right to feel good physically. You have a right to feel sexy, no matter what your body looks like.
And you have a right to enjoy sex. You have a right to feel beautiful. You have a right to be
smart and feel smart. You have a right to spend more time on discovering who you are on the inside
and the attacking anxiety program is a good place to start. You have a right to seek more spiritual
awareness. You have a right to play and have fun. And that's an important one. And you have a right
to your emotions, whatever they are. You're entitled to be assertive whenever you want,
as long as it doesn't hurt you or anybody else. Being assertive basically means standing up for
who you are, for what you believe. It doesn't mean that you are giving in or that you're a wimp or
that you're an angry person. Being assertive means stating what's on your mind, telling people how
you feel, standing up for yourself when someone's taking advantage of you. It's getting out of
relationships where you're hurt and where people manipulate you and control you. And that's kind of
hard because sometimes when you really sit back and you evaluate something that's happening in
your life, sometimes you begin to realize that maybe the relationship you're in isn't the best
relationship for you or maybe the job where you're working isn't the best job for you. But you see,
you can't make decisions about anything else in your life until you have some of these skills so
that you know you're making decisions based on fact and that you really are emotionally stable
and in control and can make a good decision. So being assertive is about taking care of yourself,
standing up for yourself, looking out for yourself, and at the same time,
being considerate of other people. Work on assertive behavior the next time you want to be angry
or the next time you're feeling like a wimp or the next time somebody's going like this in your life,
the next time someone's pushing all your buttons. Work on being assertive. I don't like that. That's
an appropriate behavior. That makes me feel bad. When you talk to me that way, it makes me feel
angry. And that's assertive behavior. Again, it's one of the best skills you can teach your children
how to be effectively assertive instead of being ineffectively angry. See you next week.
Hi, it's me again, and we're here to talk about, let's see what our blue card says,
ha, putting an end to what-if thinking. Wouldn't that be great? Well, guess what,
it's totally possible with this program. I've done it. I was the biggest what-if-er about
everything. I remember a friend of mine calling me up once and describing a type
of cancer that her aunt had, and within a matter of hours, I had every symptom that her aunt had.
I'm telling you, anything and everything that I read in the paper, I remember reading about
people jumping off balconies or hurting somebody, and I would sit and worry that I was going to do
the same thing. Events were really big for me. I remember David coming over to my house when we
were dating, and he was in a Volkswagen with another couple, and he pulled up to the house,
and he said, come on, let's get in the car. We're going to go to the Ann Arbor Arts Festival,
and I immediately started what-iffing. What if I get in the back of that car,
and I have a diarrhea attack, or what if I get in the back of that car, and I can't breathe,
and I want to lose control, and I'm not driving the car, and what if I have to jump out, and what if
I make a fool of myself, and what if I lose my mind in front of these people? What if they have
to carry me away? I remember when we went to Mexico. Oh, my gosh, that trip. I spent that whole
trip what-iffing on the train from Detroit to Toronto. What if I lose control and have to get
off this train, and I was looking up and saying, what if I have to pull the cord and stop the train?
What if there's not a hospital where I can get help if I need it? What if I get to Toronto,
and I need psychiatric help, and there isn't any? And in Mexico, I was, what if no one here
speaks English, and I need to be helped? What if I jump off our balcony? We were on the 22nd floor.
There were so many times in my life that I spent so much time what-iffing that I totally missed
the present beautiful, precious moment, and that's what we do. When you anticipate something,
anticipation is thinking about an event. Anticipatory anxiety, which is the topic
of our tape today, is anticipating something with fear and apprehension. You're sure something bad's
going to happen, and you know what? How often does it really? How many times have you gotten on the
plane afraid the plane's going to crash? And it didn't, of course. How many times have you gotten
in a car afraid you were going to get stuck in traffic and lose your mind because of your anxiety?
How many times have you worried you were going to go to a public place and make a fool of yourself?
You know, interestingly enough, in group, we'd sit and we'd ask people, all right, now what's the
very worst thing you're afraid could happen to you with this anxiety? And oh my gosh, some of
their expectations and anticipations. Well, I could stand up, and I could run out of church,
and everyone would know I had anxiety. Or what if I were in a mall and I lost control and threw
up in front of everybody? Or what if I'm at work and I pass out? And you know, not one of those
things has ever happened for any of those people. You might be out there saying, ah yes, but it's
happened to me. I truly did pass out. Well, I'm here to tell you, if you passed out, it wasn't
from anxiety. More than likely, there was some biological, biochemical thing going on that day
that made you pass out, because panic attacks and anxiety disorder typically doesn't make you
pass out. So what are you anticipating? What is your worst fear? So I'm back to the book.
I want to share something with you that I really like that I put in here. Here's a new twist on
what if thinking. What if you overcame your panic attacks? What if you got your self-confidence back?
What if you got that job you always wanted? What if you could take care of yourself? What if you
could get off your medication for good? What if you could stop feeling spacey and anxious? And what
if you could enjoy driving and drive for hours with no problem? What if you could travel out of
the country by yourself? What if you actually enjoyed the airplane flight? What if you stopped
worrying about your health? And what if you recovered completely? The next time you want to
scare yourself with your what if thinking, ask yourself, what's the positive twist on this?
I remember when David and I took a helicopter flight over the Waipio Valley in Hawaii,
and I was a little bit anxious at the time, and I'd never been on a helicopter,
and it was so funny because I started what if, and of course, what if I get on that helicopter
and I get an upset stomach and I gotta go to the bathroom? What if I get on that helicopter and I
can't breathe and I want to jump off? And I wasn't even on the helicopter yet, but we had these free
passes, so I had to go, and it was so funny. The helicopter pilot said, you, have you ever been on
a helicopter? And I said, me? No, and he said, great, you're co-pilot, you sit up front with me.
So I'm sitting on this helicopter and I'm over here and he's over here or whatever way it was,
and then, you know, the helicopter goes rising up, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
and you hear this drum music, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, because he made us all wear headphones,
and I'm a talker, you might have noticed, and I couldn't talk because we all had headphones on.
So I'm sitting there and the helicopter's going up in the air and then we start to cruise over
the valley and I see these big mountains, you know, and I'm thinking, what's on the other side
of those mountains? And the helicopter pilot's just looking at me and kind of smiling, you know,
and David's in the back seat with three other people, and he's just kind of hanging out,
you know, and we're hearing this drum music and we get to this mountain crest and all of a sudden
he drops that helicopter like 200 feet and it was like, and I remember I slammed my arm over like
you do in a car and smacked the helicopter pilot right in the chest because I thought we were going
to crash, and I closed my eyes and I'm like, and I'm thinking, we're going to die, you know,
and I realized I got to the point of no return where I just wanted to get off, get out, turn around,
stop, get me out of here, but unfortunately I wasn't in control. I wasn't flying that helicopter,
so I thought to myself, look, if I'm going to die, I might as well open my eyes and see where I'm
going to die, and I opened my eyes. I saw the most incredible sights, the most beautiful valley,
and this helicopter pilot must have been a Vietnam helicopter guy because he was flying up to
waterfalls and cruising in and out of crevices, and it was the most incredible beauty I have ever
seen in my life, and I remember asking myself, and of course David's tapping me, he's tapping me on
the shoulder and my husband going, take pictures, and I've got the camera and I'm going, click,
click, I'm not even looking, you know. When I finally relaxed and let my body relax, and that's
what it's about so many times, allow yourself to float with it, and I just relaxed and I looked
around and I thought to myself, how many times have I gotten out because I was afraid right before I
got to the good stuff, right before I got to that valley and those waterfalls because I was too scared
to move forward. There's something I talk about in the program called that anticipatory wall,
that wall of anxiety. I can't go after a new job. What if I fail? I can't leave this bad relationship.
What if nobody else falls in love with me? What if nobody ever loves me the way he loved me or she
loved me? I can't live on my own. What if I can't take care of myself? I can't go off my medication.
What if my panic attacks come back? What if, what if, what if? You know what? So what if? So what if?
No big deal. You're a survivor. You're a fighter. You're a strong person. There comes that positive
dialogue again, right? What are you anticipating? I promise you it will never be as bad as you think
it's going to be. The anticipation of the event is always 10 times worse than the actual event itself.
Again, nothing is as bad as you think it's going to be. How many times have you stopped yourself
because of the fear right before you got to the good stuff? I beg you, I plead with you if you
really want to overcome this anxiety and if you want to get beyond all the limitations you put
on yourself. I'm too old. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I, whatever, all right?
You have to take one foot and pick it up really high and step it out there where it might get
run over and take a chance. Take a risk. Feel alive. Let that anxiety flow. Am I going to
have anxiety? You bet you are. Can you handle it? You bet you can because you're getting the
skills right here. See you next week. Okay, we're back. So how are you feeling right about now?
This is week nine. This is a great topic. They're all great topics though and that's what's so
important about this program, Attacking Anxiety. It's so holistic. It's so complete. It covers so
many things. You know, the thing that's so hard when you go to a therapist or you take a medication
and you wonder why isn't this working, sometimes it's just not enough what they're teaching you.
And let's go back to the three elements for recovery. If you understand that you are creating
your anxiety, that's wonderful. We understand now that it's not caused by some biochemical
imbalance in my brain that I can't control because when you use all these skills to control your
thoughts, you control that biochemical imbalance. We know it's not caused by some inner ear
infection. We know it's not caused by something outside of you that you can control. So you know,
you cause it by overreacting and over responding to things that happen in your world or to other
people. Okay, so we know that. But what we need to know is that emotions like guilt and anger and
worry and fear, those create anxiety because when you get angry, you have that adrenaline response
going rapid. And sometimes those feelings scare you. When you feel guilty and you worry and you
beat yourself up, that makes you anxious because again, it's about expectations. You feel like
you're not living up to your expectations. So you know, you create your anxiety. Number two,
skills, skills, skills. That's what you're learning right now. You're learning what do I do then when
I'm angry? What do I do when I have all these expectations? What do I do when I feel guilty
or when I worry? What do I do when I'm sitting in that plane in a turbulent flight and I feel like
I'm going to lose control? Those are the skills and that's what you're learning now. And self-talk,
which I hope you're getting really, really good at right about now, is one of the most important
skills you're going to learn and that you're learning now. You make yourself feel better.
It's only turbulence. It's not going to hurt me. I'm going to be okay. You talk to the person
beside you. You read magazines and we're going to be talking about that. We're going to be talking
about working on some of those things. But what you want to do is you want to set yourself up
in order to give yourself the best opportunity for success in overcoming your anxiety and your
fears and your limitations. You have to have those three elements in place. You have to understand
that you're creating your anxiety and that you can control it with your thinking. You have to have the
coping skills to work through an anxious episode and then you have to go out and face those fears.
And facing your fears is a very big part of this anxiety process. And before we get into the guilt
and worry segment, I want to talk for a minute about that. Set yourself up for the best
opportunities for success when you go out to work on your limitations. In other words, if your thing
is flying, book a flight an hour away. Just take a short flight and go somewhere, maybe with a
friend, and have a destination to go to. And take magazines to read. Take a headphones, a set of
headphones, and take your cassettes with you. Talk to the person beside you. Take some Pepto-Bismol or
some Ammonium AD or whatever it is you need to take to make yourself feel better. Some Dramamine.
You know, have a little goodie bag full of the things you need to get through that flight
comfortably. And learn as much as you can about flying so you're no longer afraid of it. If your
thing is driving, then drive on a highway on a Sunday morning at six or seven o'clock in the morning
when the traffic's not so heavy. And have a good friend follow along behind you. And give yourself
permission to get off at any exit you want, but choose a destination. And remember, any victory,
anything that you do is, any little thing that you do is a victory. Give yourself credit for even the
smallest accomplishments that you do in your life. Okay, getting along here and moving on to guilt
and worry. When you read the definition of guilt in Webster's Dictionary, the definition is the
fact of having done something wrong. The fact of having done something wrong or committing a crime.
The next time you want to beat yourself up about something you did or didn't do, which is past
guilt or something you are or are not doing, which is present guilt, ask yourself this,
is it a fact that I'm really a bad mother or that I'm really a bad husband or that I really didn't
work hard enough today? And if it's not a fact, then it's not. And are you really guilty of
committing a crime? If it's not a fact and you didn't commit a crime, you're not guilty.
You see, guilt is just another way of beating yourself up. There is a purpose for guilt.
The purpose for guilt is it defines the borders between right and wrong. I mean, there are some
people in the world who feel no guilt and they're sociopaths and they're institutionalized. So you
want to have a certain amount of guilt in your life. As a matter of fact, in a few minutes,
we're going to take a little guilt quiz. So take a second now and grab a pen or pencil and a piece
of paper. Okay, we're back. First of all, when you talk about guilt, you need to understand that it's
something that you need to do something about. In other words, if you're holding on to something
about your past that you feel guilty about, one of the most effective things you can do is go back
and apologize to that person. And this really does work. We had a lady who went through group
who was angry at her ex-husband for like three or four years after the divorce.
And she felt like it was partially her fault that it didn't work out. And she really wanted to
apologize to him. And I said, go back or call him up or write him a letter and apologize.
And she said, but what if he's obnoxious and mean and doesn't accept the apology?
That's the whole point. You're not apologizing to get his response. You're apologizing so that you
can let go of it. It doesn't matter what the other person says or does. What matters is that it's a
closure for you. So write a letter, call the person up, go see him. Don't mail the letter,
burn it, but do something to get rid of that old guilt. And if you're having guilt about something
that's in the present moment, ask someone else's opinion. Maybe you feel like you're a bad mother
because you work or maybe you feel like you're a bad husband because you forgot to get your wife a
mother's day present. Well, ask someone that knows you well. Are you indeed? Is it a fact that you're
a bad husband? Is it a fact that you're a bad mother? I think you'll find out chances are good.
It's not a fact. Okay. Now let's just take this fun little quiz and we'll see how you score.
And it's really pretty easy. What you want to do is you want to number your page one through 15.
Now I don't know about you, but I just love these little self-evaluation tests because it kind of
tells you a little bit about who you are. Let's just see if you are a guilt-ridden person.
Okay. Statement one. Just simply answer yes or no and write yes or no on your paper.
I get defensive when someone criticizes me. Yes or no. Be honest. Statement two. I'm critical of
myself on a daily basis about something. Yes or no. Statement three. I don't feel like I get enough
done in my day. Yes, I feel that way. No, I don't. Statement four. I sometimes fall short of my own
expectations. Don't we all? Yes, I do that. Or no, I don't. Statement five. I don't work hard enough.
Yes, that's true. I don't. Or no, I work plenty hard enough. Statement six. I have a hard time
letting go of my past mistakes. Yes, I have a hard time. Or no, they don't bother me at all.
Seven. I don't spend enough time with my children. Now if you don't have children, it could be other
family members. Mother, father, whatever. I don't spend enough time with my children. Yes,
I feel that way. I don't spend enough time with them. Or no, I don't feel that way.
Eight. I don't give my spouse enough attention. Yes, that's true. Or no, it isn't true. They get
all the attention they want and we all know that's not true. Okay, nine. I worry about what other
people think of me or my family. This is a big one for us, especially women. Again, it's a direct
reflection on who we are as mothers, as wives, as people. If everything around us and in our lives
doesn't look perfect. So yes, I do worry about what other people think of me or my family. Or no,
doesn't bother me at all. Be honest. I get my feelings hurt easily. Yes, I do. Or no, I don't.
Eleven. I need to lose weight or take better care of myself. Yes, I do. Or nope.
Twelve. I have bad habits that I can't seem to break. Yes, I do. Or no, I don't. Thirteen. I often
feel as if I'm disappointing someone in my life. Yes, I often feel that way. Or nope, don't feel
that way. Fourteen. I don't like to hurt other people's feelings. Yes, I feel that way. I don't
like to hurt people. Or nope, doesn't bother me at all. Fifteen. I feel guilt easily. Yes or no.
Now take a minute and add up how many yeses you scored. Pretty high? Okay, well before you get too
neurotic about this and start thinking, oh my gosh, you know, I must be a terrible person. I must have
a lot of guilt. Let's take a look at the score. For one thing, guilt is a natural emotion. And if
you didn't have guilt, there'd be something wrong with you. Again, if you scored zero to three,
you don't have a lot of guilt, but you also probably don't have a lot of sensitivity either,
you know. You probably are a little bit self-centered. You don't feel disturbed
when you think you hurt someone else's feelings. You're not a very sensitive person. And that's
really not the healthiest score. You need to work on being a little more sensitive. If you said yes
to four through seven of these statements, actually good for you. This is a very healthy
perspective. You have a certain amount of concern for others, but not at your own expense. You also
have a healthy self-esteem. If you said yes to seven through 10 of these statements, you're a
little too sensitive. You're the kind of person that other people take advantage of. They push
your buttons. They make you feel guilty. And it works. If you said yes to 11 or more of these
statements, oops, are you a guilty person? And what this means, it doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with you. What it means is that you're so sensitive that people push your buttons and they
get the reaction and the response they're looking for, and you've trained them. You've trained them
that they can make you feel bad. Let me give you a great example. I'm a stress expert, right? Well,
I do the best I can, but I'm only human. And not too long ago, we went on vacation and my 10-year-old
daughter came home and the house was a mess and things needed put away and we were all disorganized
and I'm saying, oh, we've got to unpack. And Brittany comes running in the kitchen and she
gets out the flour and she gets out the sugar because we like to bake and do things. And she
says to me, mommy, can we bake something? And I said, no, not right now, Brittany, we need to
put things away. And she said, mommy, do you know how long it's been since you've baked with me?
You haven't baked with me for... And I looked at her face and I could see it. She was pushing my
buttons. She was trying to make me feel bad. And I did feel bad. I found myself saying, when was the
last time we baked? When was that? And then I thought about, wait a minute, wait a minute,
I'm a good mother here. She's not going to do this to me at 10 years old. Believe me, we are all guilty
of making other people feel guilty because it's effective. It works, but it's not healthy.
She should have said, you know what, mommy, at 10 years old, though, she has no concept, right?
You know what, mommy, I'd really like to bake. And when I said, no, not right now,
she should have said, no problem. Can I help you unpack? Of course, that's not realistic for a
10-year-old. But what I did was great. I looked at her and I said, hey, you're not going to do that
to me. I'm a good mommy. Go unpack your bag. And she did. And it was over because she realized that
she wasn't going to get the response she wanted. So think about it. The next time you're beating
yourself up, is it a fact? Do you deserve this? Or are you overreacting? Are you over dramatizing
something? And then what can you do right now to eliminate that guilt? Let's talk for one minute
about worry. Worry. When you worry, you worry and use the same skills you use when you goal set.
You can actually use your worry time to make your dreams come true. You're saying, what?
How do you do that? If you're a worrier, there's something I want you to try. This technique is
very, very effective. Okay. What you want to do is starting tomorrow, try this tomorrow. Oh,
go ahead and start it today. What the heck? The next time you want to worry about something,
I want you to set that aside in your mind until 10 o'clock tonight, 930, whatever,
right before you go to bed. That's when you're going to worry about it. And you're thinking,
ah, I'll never get any sleep. Wrong. What I want you to do is as you're going through your day,
something comes through your mind. Oh, I'm not making enough money. Oh, I didn't do this right.
Oh, why did she say that to me? Oh, what about Tommy's little league game? You know, whatever
it is you want to worry about. I'm not going to worry about it now. I'll worry about it at my
designated worry time, which is like 930 tonight. What you're doing is you're putting it out of your
out of your precious present moment. Okay. And guess what happens by 930 tonight? Half the time
you've forgotten half your worries. So they're gone. It's over. They weren't worth worrying
about anyway. The other half of them, what you do is you focus on the ones that really need your
attention. And then you get a piece of paper and you write down three or four of the things you're
worried about and ask for a solution. And what I want you to do is when you go to bed that night,
you lay in bed and you ask yourself, how can I earn more money? Or why don't I get along with
my boss? Or why am I worrying about my health so much? And believe it or not, there is a chance
that you will dream the answer. See you next week.
Hi, and welcome back to week 10. We are moving along beautifully here. Aren't you proud of
yourself? You're sticking to this. You're doing it right. And you're getting better. I can tell.
Okay. This is a great one. Stop obsessive, scary thoughts. Now I love these little blue cars. I
hope you're using yours. This is so great. And this is so true. Obsessive thinking is an avoidance
behavior. It is circular thinking and non-productive. What they're trying to say there
is it's a bad habit, but it's an avoidance behavior because what you're really doing,
and this is profound, and it dawned on me many, many years ago that this is exactly what I was
doing with my scary thoughts. Obsessive thinking is your way of distracting yourself from something
that's really going on in your life. You might be one of those people like me that has scary
thoughts about hurting yourself or someone else. Now, by the way, we're all obsessive thinkers. You
may be looking at this chapter or reading this homework session or listening to this audio cassette
and thinking, I don't ever have scary thoughts about hurting other people. I don't ever worry
about jumping off a bridge. I don't even know if I want to listen to this, but you do have obsessive
thoughts. If you didn't obsess, you wouldn't be anxiety-ridden. It could be an obsessive thought
about dying of cancer, or it could be an obsessive thought about being overweight, or it could be an
obsessive thought about losing your mind, or it can be an obsessive thought about hurting someone
or doing something to yourself. You know, as time has moved along and we've worked with a lot of
other people, I have come to realize how important this subject is because that was one of my biggest
symptoms, the obsessive scary thoughts. And I'm going to share some of those with you right now,
and I didn't share a lot of them in the program because I didn't want someone to say, oh, what if
that happens to me? What if I have that thought? But the more, I guess the more I go through this
and the more stable I am as time goes on, and I know I of course haven't done any of those thoughts,
and that's a good point too. When you have a thought and you know it's a little bit strange
and it scares you, that's great. That means that you're probably using your thought process
as a method of distracting yourself from something you really don't want to deal with.
Now I know that's a really hard concept to grasp, but let me just kind of elaborate on that a little
bit. In other words, maybe you're in a situation that's really negative for you. Maybe you're in
a really difficult marriage and you know it's not going anywhere and you've tried everything,
but the fear, the underlying subconscious fear of getting out of it is so overwhelming
that you fill yourself with obsessive scary thoughts of maybe hurting your children.
And you know you'd never hurt your children in a million years, but you're so occupied with that
thought that you begin to think maybe that you're mentally ill and there's something wrong with you
and you could never leave your husband because you could never take care of your children on
your own because what if you hurt them? And what it does is it justifies your staying stuck in a
bad marriage, but you're so busy obsessing and scaring yourself, you don't have time to focus
on the real problem, which is your bad marriage. We had one man who would come to group in Toledo
and he would be coming from Port Clinton and he'd have to drive across one of those bridges they
made just for people with anxiety disorder. You know it's about 20 gazillion miles long and it's
two lanes and there's signs everywhere that say do not stop on bridge. Well let me tell you,
this guy two days before he even came to group he would start having obsessive thoughts about
hurting his grandchildren or hurting his wife and he knew in a million years he would never do that.
By the time he got on the bridge he was just going you know wild with these scary thoughts
about hurting himself. You know why? Because it took the focal point away from his real fear,
which was being on a two-lane bridge that was really long where he couldn't stop or get out
or turn around if he wanted to. He was so focused on hurting somebody and weird scary thoughts
it took his attention away from the real fear, which was being in a place where he couldn't get
out or get away. So the next time you're having an obsessive scary moment ask yourself don't give it
any worth, don't give it any value, ask yourself all right I'm having this weird thought all right,
why am I having it? What is wrong? What's going on in my life right now that I don't want to deal
with? And sit down take out a piece of paper. I love to write. That's one thing when I wrote
my book I suggest you all get out there and write a book. There isn't one of you that can't write
a book and it's so cleansing to write a book. You know when I when I had my anxiety disorder
I would just sit and write down some of my scary thoughts and that's really effective.
Write down your scary thoughts and then replace them with something that's humorous. Try to blow
them out of proportion and if your scary thoughts about jumping off of a balcony
take it to the worst possible scenario in your mind. Why why are you thinking this? What would
happen if you did this? What's the worst possible thing that could happen? You're not going to do
it anyway. Let me just say that if your scary thought is about suicide and suicide almost feels
like a real a realistic way out and it almost sounds like a relief to you get help right now.
Turn the tape off. Call a suicide hotline. Call a therapist but get help now. Go to your doctor
because suicide isn't something you can mess with. Now I also want to say that if you're someone who
thinks you'd be better off dead because you can't stand this anxiety I was there. I got to the point
where my anxiety was so bad I was afraid to live and afraid to die. Dying scared me too so that
wasn't the answer. If that's you then you don't have anything to be afraid of but if you seriously
are considering or even have tried or contemplated suicide get help now. It's nothing to mess with
and it could be severe depression combined with your anxiety because they coexist and I believe
we're going to talk about that in let me look the next session. Make use of your workbook here
because the obsessive thought replacement dialogue on page 73 is is is excellent. It really really
helps because it's a matter of replacing those negative bad habit addictive thoughts with
something new something positive something empowering something that makes you feel good
and that's what's on page 73 of your workbook. These scary thoughts are nothing more than a bad
habit. They're nothing more than a way out for you. A way for you to busy yourself with these
thoughts so that you don't have time to face what's really bothering you. I say step up to the plate
figure out what it is that's really bothering you and start working on it and then you won't
you'll be so busy going after your dreams and living the life you want to live you won't have
time to worry about all these goofy things and that's what they are goofy things. I know when
you're thinking those scary thoughts they're not goofy. I said I was going to share a couple of mine
with you. I had a fear of knives a terrible fear of knives. I had a fear of hurting myself. I used
to worry that I would hurt David. I remember worrying that I would hurt my sister's children
and now you know they're 21 and 16 and they lived through all my worry and I have my own children
and I knew in my heart that I would never do any of these things. If I were up high I would worry
that I was going to jump over the balcony. I couldn't even go up in high places because I was
afraid I remember saying what if I what if I fell or worse yet what if I jumped and why would I
jump and why do I think these things and what's wrong with me. I would get obsessed about being
obsessed. I remember obsessing about thinking myself crazy. Can I can I sit here and think
myself crazy. I would even go to sleep sometimes and dream broken thoughts and then I would think
oh my gosh this is the beginning of of the insanity period. Remember your obsessive thoughts are just
your mind's way on a subconscious level of distracting you from something you really need
to deal with in your life. So put a stop sign up ask yourself what do I need to deal with I really
don't want to deal with and then face it because now you've got the skills and use your blue cards
because this particular blue card is so great and I love the last two little dots here.
I'm capable of facing my fears and my scary thoughts and last I will not act on my scary
thoughts. It's only a thought. See you next week.