Music
How green was my valley.
It gave John Ford the third of his four Oscars for Best Direction.
The two before it of course were The Informer and The Grapes of Wrath.
The one to come was The Quiet Man just on ten years later.
And the film took five Oscars in all in its year.
The Best Film, Best Direction and Best Photography Oscars in direct competition with Citizen Kane.
Plus one for Donald Crispa's Best Supporting Actor.
Plus one for the Best Black and White Art Direction.
And there were three Oscar nominations.
Two including one for Sarah Allgood.
Citizen Kane took only one Oscar for Original Screenplay.
And I think that says more about the Oscars than about either of these two films.
One thing that I've always found disconcerting in tonight's film has been for me a kind of strangely shifting focus in John Ford's realisation of the Morgan family.
And this time I think I've found what it was.
Part of me keeps expecting those stern family conferences to end with the boys breaking out the rifles and riding out against the engines.
I wonder if there really is some mad undertone of the Hollywood western in Ford's Welsh village.
Because after all Ford did make some of the greatest westerns of all time.
I wonder if anyone else has felt the same.
Anyway, next week Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, burlives in Tennessee Williams's anthem to southern comfort, A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Professional football Maggie is a business, not a social club a business.
Oh you mean the business of making money?
Yeah, money. The stuff that your dreams are made of.
On the ABCNNM channel same time next Friday night. See you then.
Tonight on Live and Sweaty Olympic gold medallist Duncan Armstrong joins us as does North's football star Mario Fenwick, Neil Murray playing live in the studio.
Join us tonight Live and Sweaty.
Applause
Clive Hale for ABC National News. Good evening, thanks for joining us.
In addition tonight a light aircraft has crashed at Launceston Airport leaving six people dead and four seriously injured.
Details are still sketchy but it's understood the plane was trying to land at Launceston.
Australia has formally asked Malaysia to extradite the prince who last year abducted the Gillespie children from Melbourne.
But there's no guarantee Kuala Lumpur will agree.
A request supported by more than a thousand pages of evidence was handed to Malaysia's foreign ministry by Australia's high commissioner in Kuala Lumpur.
If returned to Australia Prince Cardinal Bardin Shah will face charges under the Family Law Act.
Paul Keatings had a rough reception in London. He and wife Anita were mobbed by the British press after a security lapse at Heathrow.
The police managed to get onto the apron of the airport as the Australian Prime Minister's plane arrived milling around the man they've dubbed the lizard of Oz.
Police moved in to clear the way as members of the official party were jostled on the way across the tarmac.
During the melee a camera crew was knocked to the ground and an official photographer manhandled by police.
Back home the Keating government is in more difficulty over industrial reform.
It aims to bypass one of the employers strongest weapons, the law against secondary boycotts.
But industrial reporter Bronwyn Young says the conservative states are preparing their own countermeasures.
When John Howe had introduced sections 45D and E of the Trade Practices Act back in 1977,
he gave employers one of the strongest weapons they have to contain strikes.
These pickets at Mudgenbury eventually cost the Meat Workers Union more than $1.5 million in damages and more than $100,000 in fines.
Now the Federal Government, after an agreement with the ACTU, wants to water down the law.
But at least three of the four conservative state governments say they won't let that happen.
What they've really done is enshrine and enhance union power and they have stripped employers of any balance in the process.
It's unacceptable.
If the Federal Government goes to remove it, then we'll certainly consider inserting those provisions into our state acts and agreements.
Some states already have their own legislation prohibiting state workers from secondary boycotts.
But they're threatening to extend their net to federal award workers as well.
I can assure you, whatever it takes, we'll look at it.
The promise to repeal the secondary boycott provisions is considered very important by the union movement.
If the states can and do go ahead, they will seriously undermine the Federal Government's changes.
In another headache for the Government today, metal industry employers added their voice to the employer chorus of criticism aimed at the Government's package.
The issue of independence for the Torres Strait Islands moved closer to realisation today.
Elders from five islands have formed a splinter group declaring sovereignty from Australia.
150 tribal elders, including some from the home of Eddie Marbo, say they were inspired in part by the High Court's recognition of native title.
Elders from the Torres Strait have been discussing the issue in Townsville for two days.
This morning, elders from five islands finally signed a declaration of sovereignty.
They want to form an interim government to represent half of the Torres Strait Islands.
Other islands expect to gain independence in the year 2001.
That's when the breakaway group says it will join in to form one government to rule the whole area.
We want to go and we're saying to the rest of the Torres Strait people, we'll meet you in 2001.
The group claims the breakaway islands can survive as an independent nation with support from financial backers.
Leaders say they've made the break to protect traditional culture and law.
We're proceeding 100 miles an hour and the decision yesterday just reinforced after the Marbo decision of last year that we are a sovereign people.
About 5,000 Torres Strait Islanders live in the region, another 8,000 live in Townsville. Not all are in favour of the move.
Just like everything else, there'll be a lot of negative response. We're not worried about that.
The group says today's declaration puts the Prime Minister, the Queen and the United Nations on notice.
Once there's a response from the Federal Government, a provisional government will be appointed.
Meanwhile, as the clean-up goes on after the Victorian floods, employers are putting the damage bill at more than a quarter of a billion dollars.
That's counting the cost in disruption to business as well as straight-up flood damage.
Thousands of dollars in aid have already been made available by the State Government and more will be forthcoming as assessments are completed.
The Government will also assist local councils where the bill for infrastructure damage is massive.
Roads have been washed out, major land slips up in the hills.
We're looking at a figure of about 750,000 on estimate at the moment to reinstate the roads and bridges.
The cost to commerce and industry has also been high, not only from flood damage but also disruption to business.
One of the worst hit is the rural sector. The Victorian Farmers Federation says, for many farmers these floods have been a disaster.
For others, the rains have been good news, but there's concern that more heavy rain could quickly turn that around.
BHP has put some steel back into its balance sheet. The big Australian lifted profits above $300 million in the three months to August, up 22% on a year ago.
Profits from steel leapt 150%, contributing more than a third of total earnings.
Steel production topped 2 million tonnes during the quarter, that's the best in 12 years, with both domestic and export orders showing strong growth.
This helped offset lower returns from minerals and petroleum, the results of weak prices. All divisions benefited from the cheap Australian dollar.
BHP shares closed 52 cents higher on the better than expected results.
The strong BHP profit inspired the share market, triggering rises right across the board. The all-ordinaries went up almost 23 points.
Foreign markets were weaker. In Tokyo, the Nikkei dropped 111 points. The Hang Seng in Hong Kong lost 70 points, and in New York, the Dow dipped a little.
Gold gained $5. The Australian dollar was weaker against both the greenback and the trade-weighted index.
Delegates from the world's major coffee-producing nations have agreed to limit their output by 20% to try to bolster depressed prices.
Most of the delegates from the 18 nations favoured creating a World Coffee Producers Association to come into effect in a week's time.
They planned to retain exports of some 13 million bags to try to lift prices from the current 61 US cents a pound.
If prices increased to 80 cents a pound, the proposal to limit output would be cancelled.
And now the national weather for the start of the weekend for you. It should be cold and showery in Perth. Becoming fine in Sydney, becoming fine in Hobart, should be fine in the other capital cities.
ABC News to this minute. I'm Clive Hurl. Thanks for watching the ABC's National Late Edition. We're back for you on Monday. Do have a good weekend.
Surely Alan Bond could be roped in to entrepreneur this thing up, get Roy's dream up and running, skates his lying idol in Spain. We've got to give him a task when he gets back here.
This Sporting Life, 9.30 Monday, ABC.
Hello everybody. And welcome once again to our little show, Light and Sweaty, coming to you right around Australia.
And guess what? The tension is mounting. There are only six more sleeps left until the announcement that the whole of Australia is waiting for.
No, we're not talking about who will be the next Australian actress to make a complete and utter dork of herself filling in for Joe Bailey on Sale of the Century.
No, something much more significant than that if you can imagine it. Who will host the Olympics in the year 2000?
Well, the Chinese are going for it. Hell for leather. They've been having processions with floats and statues and flaming dragons and platters of number 69 in black bean sauce.
And I cannot help but think that the Sydney 2000 committee are really stuffing up in a big way. Do you know what they've done now? Do you know? No, I didn't think so. No one does.
What they have done is they have taken down the world famous Coca-Cola sign in King's Cross and replaced it with Sydney Olympic 2000 messages.
Now, I don't think you understand the significance of what I just said. They have taken down a Coca-Cola sign to help our bid.
What do these people think they are doing? Do not they understand that Coca-Cola are virtually paying for the 1996 Atlanta Olympics? Please.
And not only that, they have put up messages that are incredibly daggy. Stuff like, stuff inspirational stuff like, go for it Sydney.
And a friendly city can host friendly games. Oh please, pass me the bath bag. Who wrote that stuff? Julie Anthony? I do not.
What they should do if they really wanted to get the message across to the IOC and show them true blue Australian culture is put up messages that reflect us.
Stuff like, give them to us or get a dog up here. Or, even better, give us the Olympic flame or we'll set your rings on fire.
You know, sensible stuff and then we might have a chance. On that theme, joining us in the studio tonight, Olympic gold medalist from the 1988 Games in Seoul, Duncan Armstrong joins us.
Football finals time. We're talking to someone who isn't in the North Star, Mario Fennec, Neil Murray playing live in the studio. And now for a special, special treat we cross live to Texas, Queensland and Crackers, Keenan Crackers.
Beautiful hair, just getting rid of the flies. I found a new Olympic sport. What's that?
Goanna Pully. It's the big one. If we get there, this is going to be big. I'm going to try and find a few blokes over here. There's one might be over behind that gate there. I'll get back to you later on Albert. The flies are big here. Back to you.
Thank you very much Crackers. As we journey all the way over to Perth, at the Sandover medal count for the Western Australian Football League's best and fairest, to ask our controversy corner question, who should foot the bill for sporting injuries?
Hello, I'm so sorry to interrupt your conversation, but I went heck riding and I got stuck on a ledge and they had to send me a helicopter to get me. Would you be happy via your taxes paying for my rescue?
No.
Why?
I don't know. I suppose the only good thing is if you're on telly I can turn you off.
Oh, that's a great idea.
What about if you were stuck on a ledge?
No, that's different.
Our band in the studio tonight is Neil Murray and the Rainmakers. They've just released their second album, These Hands, and here is the first single from that album. It's called Holy Road. Make them welcome Neil Murray and the Rainmakers.
I've been searching for a long, long time. I track by day and I listen by night. I hear people. I hear people. They can't get no rest. No rest. My nerves are strained. I'm on the edge of my chair. I might be listening to something that's not there. It's hard to tell.
We've been on the trail so long. So long, so long. Well, there's been a lot of trouble down this way. Look at all the bones scattered on the trail. We've been blessed. And we've done the fashion too.
So many crimes, never been so. So many confessions. I wish I wasn't told. Words and anger. You can't take them back. You're going to have to forgive. You're going to have to accept.
Take that step. Take that step. Right up on that holy road. I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road. So much heartache in the world I can't forget. So much love.
Sometimes we neglect so many dreams. Sometimes you have to let them go. Let them go. Let them go. Let them go. You know you can't go on like this unless they're eating you inside. You have to do something. You know you're going to die before your time.
Before your time is due. You're going to have to forgive. You're going to have to accept. Take that step. Take that step. Right up on that holy road. I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road.
I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road. I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road. Get me on that holy road.
Who's going to know where to find this road? Is it overseas or in a new age bookstore? Don't worry about it. Don't think too much.
You're going to have to endure and learn like the rest. You might be held on the ground in silence and trigger tone. You can get up now. You may have to get out of your car and start walking.
You may have to cut your losses now and start talking. You may have to find yourself all over again. You're going to have to forgive. You're going to have to forgive. Take that step. Right up on that holy road.
I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road. I want you to get me on. Get me on that holy road. I want you get his song now. I want you get his song. Get his song that holy road.
Hey!
I need you to give us
Oh, oh, oh
Get me on that holy road
Get me on that holy road
On that holy road
Yeah, yeah, oh
Applause
Music
Neil Murray and the Rainmakers, joined by Christina Mu from the Bangara Dance Company.
But now a special treat as we are joined by the very lovely Karen Tye.
Applause
Thanks, Neil. Good evening.
Well, the sports updates are short and sweet tonight.
Just two matches in the Men's National Basketball League and here are the results.
The Wildcats, 127, defeated Hobart, 99, and Geelong, home by just three points over the Gold Coast.
And of course, the make-ups of both the AFL and Rugby League Grand Finals will be finalised this weekend,
with Brisbane up against Canterbury in the league and Essendon and the Crows in the AFL.
As I said, short and sweet.
Elle, what are you going to be doing on Friday morning for the Olympic announcement?
Are you going out or are you going to be at home?
We'll be in Melbourne watching you, Karen, on the television.
You'll be up at 4.30, won't you?
I'll be hosting from 2am.
2am.
It's a beautiful time of the morning.
What a lucky, lucky girl.
And now for someone else who is incredibly lucky.
Well, she's not so much short and sweet as, I don't know, I won't say old and sour, Debbie Spillane.
I didn't say it.
I didn't say it.
I know, and you're so lucky you didn't say it, because otherwise I would have been forced to tear strips off you,
although I noticed somebody else has already been tearing some strips off you anyway.
Dressed beautifully as usual.
Thank you very much by St Vincent DuPaule, home of champions.
Well, I think if we're going to look at world sport this week, there's only one event.
I mean, the event that's had the tongues wagging, the fingers pointing and the urine sample bottles clinking,
that's been the Chinese Athletics Championships, which you've already alluded to.
Unbelievable.
Well, the main cause of all the stir has been the performance of a couple of women athletes,
I guess the one that really stands out as a lady called Wang Jiangxia,
and she broke world records in the 10,000 metres and then twice in the 3,000 metres.
Let's take a little bit of a look at her in action.
This is her in the 10,000 metres.
You know, she's the lady that eats caterpillars and really gets a wriggle on.
And in the 3,000 metres, it was incredible.
Like, she's broken the world record in the semis, then come back out and chopped another six seconds.
She goes like a absolute dash, like a dissident has just seen the daylight for the first time in many, many years.
But she's a talented, talented lady, and I'm actually, quite frankly, I'm a little bit sick of everyone saying,
well, they must be taking drugs.
They're breaking these world records. They must be taking drugs.
Of course, the coach is saying, no, no, no, we're not taking drugs.
We're eating caterpillar fungus, we're eating worms, we're having dog stew, we're having softened turtle shells.
The list just goes on.
I mean, I suppose from an environmental perspective, we should be all glad that they're not into tiger penises and rhino horns.
Otherwise, the world would be in a worse shape.
But look, quite frankly, I don't care what that lady's taking.
If she's taking chemical additives or these strange naturopathic sort of things,
she's chopped 42 seconds off the World 10,000 Meter Record.
There's nothing you can take that'll make you break a world record by that much if you're not damn good to start with.
Well, you've got to remember, of course, Debbie, that she is a woman,
and women aren't meant to have tremendous athletic feats. You do remember that?
No, that's right. They must be taking male hormones if they're any good.
Yeah, of course.
And of course, I mean, where would we be without that shot of testosterone before we host a sports show?
We just couldn't do it.
We'd be probably nowhere.
I don't think you shaved properly.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, but no, I just think that it's a little bit...
I mean, when Kieran Perkins was swimming, unbelievable times,
times that people said could never be done in swimming,
did we say, oh, he must be taking drugs?
I think he should have said he was eating bandicoot poo or one,
but won't that damn good for something and got the rest of the world thinking.
But no, I think we're being a little cynical, a little unfair.
But nevertheless, I don't think they should have the Olympics.
Have you heard what the demonstration sport's going to be in Beijing?
No.
Well, they don't have any demonstrations in Beijing.
Didn't work out too well last time.
Oh, you blew me away with that one, Deb.
That's great.
Look, speaking of being blown away, the most scintillating sports event of the weekend,
and I tell you, I was up at 6 o'clock in the morning to watch it
because I just would never, ever, ever miss the chance to see Pete Sampras play Cedric Pialani.
He had me panting.
I mean, anyone with the name of Cedric...
I mean, he's got to have something going for him.
Well, he didn't actually, but let's take a look at how he went in the final against Pete Sampras.
That's Pete giving...
See, Cedric had me panting, but he didn't get Pete...
In fact, he said, have a go with about three or four rackets, Cedric,
and see if you can do any better.
It was 6-4, 6-4, 6-3, and I think it was possibly the most riveting early morning TV I've seen
since Ron Wilson and Kerry Ann Kenley disappeared off Good Morning Australia.
And then the other big thing this week, which we haven't touched on for quite some time,
it was something we paid a lot of attention to earlier in the year,
was the post-goal scoring celebrations in soccer.
Oh, don't tell me you've got another episode.
Well, the new English soccer season's underway,
and let me tell you, the standard of post-goal celebration is higher than ever.
Let's take a look at some of the highlights from this week.
We start off... This is a triple hug with a mount.
Oh, yes.
Now, after this goal, you'll see this is something new.
This is a little leap and then an audience participation hug.
This is called the funky booty with fist pump.
And then, watch, you're going to love this one.
This is the soccer lambada.
Watch this, they've been working on this one.
Yes!
You know, just a few cummerbunds and some sequins, and I think it'll be fabulous.
The new soccer movie, Strictly Ball Work, I think.
Oh, beautiful.
Debbie, you're getting all ready for our Grand Final Eve broadcast next Friday night, coming from Melbourne.
Mm-hm.
You are? You've got your frock ready?
Yes, I do actually own a frock, and I know you don't believe it.
But you do.
Not quite as trollopy as that sort of thing.
Oh!
No, I'm sure you would have got it from Kmart.
Well, that's OK.
And for those of you that haven't yet received your invitation, here are the details.
Forget the Brownlow medal.
Don't worry about the Rothmans.
This is Australian television sporting Night of Nights,
one of the greatest, most glittering events in television history.
The live and sweaty Grand Final Black Tie Gala broadcast,
beamed live from Melbourne on Grand Final Eve next Friday night.
Invitations have been mailed to the greatest of our sporting greats,
and to the very cream of Australian high society.
And you can be a part of this extravaganza.
Limited tickets are available by ringing Melbourne 524 2444
between 9 and 10 o'clock next Monday.
It's your chance, ordinary people of Australia,
to mix it with the stars in our glittering Grand Final Gala.
Remember, it's a Black Tie event.
And ladies, please bring a plate.
Yes, ladies bring a plate.
Men, you can bring a plate too, if you're a footballer,
preferably a steel one inside your head.
Now let's go down to Crackers Keenan,
who is having an in-depth look at a most interesting activity.
Thanks, Elf.
Well, I'm down at Pooh City, Werribee, the shit bar.
I'm down here in a new yuppie sport called Birdwatching.
I've got two of the greatest men in Australia down here.
Mike, how are you?
Good.
How are you, Crackers?
Good to see you.
Yes, you look like a bird.
Where did you start?
At Local Creek.
At Local Creek, actually.
You started at Local Creek?
Yeah.
Was that a sewerage outlet?
No, it wasn't.
Oh, good.
Where did you start?
Here, actually.
Right in the...
In the sewerage farm.
Yeah.
Did they just drop you down here?
Your mum and dad left you down here?
Well, yeah, I guess so.
Abandoned?
Yes.
Very young.
Tell me about birdwatching, because it's a growing sport.
People do it for a lot of different reasons.
Some people are conservationists, you know,
like looking at birds, recording lots of information about them.
Other people do it just because it's like stamp collecting,
and they like getting new birds on their list.
We can show you...
What's twitching?
Twitching is when a birdwatcher hears about a new bird.
You go out, you hunt it.
You get that bird on your list.
You kill it.
Not quite.
What do you do?
You see it.
You see it.
And it's on your list.
And then you've got another bird on your list.
You could be bullshitting.
You might not have even seen it yourself.
They're stringers.
People that bullshit are stringers.
Do you get to know the birds?
You watch a man here and Poo City there.
Do you know them?
I know individual birds.
Have you run into them year by year?
Yeah, for a few years.
I see old friends out there in the mudflats hopping around.
Do you ever get hungry, you know,
when a little black duck might land there,
or, you know, a woody duck, and you say,
Bang!
Have you ever killed a bird?
Oh, killed a bird.
Yeah.
Never killed a bird, Crackers, never.
Now tell me about this Twitchathon.
The Twitchathon?
Well, the main reason for having a Twitchathon
is, hey, have fun, see as many birds as you can in 24 hours.
You've got to have a location, though.
Oh, you've got to have lots of locations.
All over the state.
We went to...
Where'd you go?
That year, we started off up in the Mallee,
Swan Hill Sewage Farm.
Sewage Farm.
Sewage farms seem to be the go for you both, don't they?
They do indeed.
You need large noses too to filter the air.
What about the smell that's coming off the ponds at the moment?
How about that? How do you put up with that?
I love it. I love it.
It's just great.
Do many people come down to the Sewage Farm to look at birds?
Yeah, a lot of people do.
It's probably famous the world over, actually.
You wouldn't think so.
There's a tour coming back.
There's obviously a wedding on.
They're going to a wedding. They've got vials.
They seem to be doing well.
Boys, could you find a nice duck for me?
I loved ducks as a kid, you know. Donald Duck and that.
Can you just find me one out there that look all right?
A couple of shovelers.
Shovelers? Are they good eating?
They're OK.
They're big duck?
They're big duck.
Where is he? I mean, just see. That little duck over there.
Right over the other side of that.
I can see.
I'll still be stuck.
This is life at its rawest.
Hell, better go back, dear.
My nose is gone.
I have had a gut full of this new age sport of bird watching.
I need a break.
I need a picture anyway.
Thank you, Tractors.
Well, our first guest tonight, Duncan Armstrong,
virtually stopped Australia with his world record-breaking swim
at the 1988 Seoul Olympics in the 200m freestyle.
He became an Australian legend overnight.
Well, five years or so have passed now,
and a lot of water has been let out of that pool.
Duncan's announced his retirement to find out why and more.
Let's sit back, relax and have a beer with Duncan.
Please make him welcome Duncan Armstrong.
You thought this was for you, didn't you?
No, here you are. There you are.
That's for you.
Now, you make sure you drink that,
because the more you drink, the funnier you'll get, I promise.
Now, your coach, Duncan, Laurie Lawrence,
he once said that the difference between good and great
is putting in that little bit of extra work.
What's your definition of between good and great?
Finding positive people, I think.
Surrounding yourself with positive people with whatever you do.
And I was lucky to do that with Laurie and a few other people,
my parents, my family.
Having a coach that's a real bastard?
Yeah, basically, in a nutshell.
So what's happened? Have a sip.
Have a sip? I'll just...
Go on.
I spat in it. No idea.
So what's happened? You've announced your retirement.
Nice?
Good texture.
You've announced your retirement now.
You were going to train for the next Commonwealth Games and things.
What brought this on?
I just basically got sick of it.
What? Getting sick of swimming up and down a pool, looking at black lines?
No. Really?
Yes, really. It does happen.
Really?
Yeah, basically, in a nutshell.
These come to time, and I've been doing it for ten years,
and I really just didn't want to get up in the morning anymore,
and I was forcing myself to go in.
I wasn't enduring it anymore.
So when something gets that bad, you should give it away and try something else.
So what will you try? What are you going to do?
What does someone who's sacrificed their youth to go up and down a pool...
Do.
Do tell.
I've got a couple of interests.
I'm interested in television and the media.
I'm also interested in maybe doing some administration work in sport
with the Sports Commission or the Institute of Sport or something like that.
You can't keep away from controversy, can you?
No, no. I want to be in there.
Want to get a fight?
Because you did go to college in Florida for a while.
Yeah, I went two semesters out there to swim the American college scene
and do all the collegiate meets out there,
and that was a good experience.
I came back, and I never really got back to the peak that I wanted to get back to,
and so the enjoyment dropped out and the long saga began.
What happens when you win a gold medal at the Olympics?
You're 20 years of age, you're fated as a champion,
you've been used to eating Nutra Grain and swimming up and down,
burning off these calories.
Suddenly I would imagine you get invited out to functions, get plied with beer.
Television shows.
Television shows. Is it hard to handle? Were you equipped to do that?
It was for me very hard to handle.
Coming, like you said, 20 years old, I'd been training for two years.
With the Laurie Lawrence Swim Squad in Brisbane,
so I didn't have a lot of free time, didn't have a lot of anything.
And we did two years of really hard work, came to the Olympics,
jumped up, raced the best in the world and we won,
and then the reaction hit and I was just a country boy,
and I really didn't understand the reaction of the whole country
and the celebrity gig and the whole thing.
Did you lose it?
Oh yeah.
Completely?
In a big way.
Did you have fun though?
Oh yeah, it was great.
Can you remember it?
I can't remember.
Well, not every Saturday night.
I can't remember every Saturday night.
But you've certainly got your war wounds or your mementos, I should say.
You've got your medals and your tat.
Yep, I've got a tattoo.
Show us your tat.
Is it in a place where you can actually show us?
Kind of, sort of.
Yeah, you can do that. I'll hold your beer.
That's fine.
No, I was really lucky. I got to do a great many things.
Where is it? Oh, you've got the flag and golly.
Bet you you're hoping we don't become a republic.
Yeah, I'm just trying for them to change that flag.
Now, that's a really interesting point.
As a swimmer, because swimming is a very individual sport,
are you swimming for your country or are you swimming for you?
You swim for yourself first.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, see it's too hard to sport.
Not getting any more of my funds, I can tell you.
But it goes hand in hand.
You want to do the best for yourself and for your family
and everyone who supported you as well, and Australia is part of that.
You're on the blocks for yourself, but as soon as you win,
you've done it for Australia.
Yeah.
And so it's a catch-22 and it's a really good situation
because you stand on the dice and you've done something that...
You think, hee-hee-hee, I'm going to get an order of Australia for this.
Exactly. I can't wait.
And you know the whole of Australia is standing up there
and you've brought something that's very proud to the country.
And it's a very exciting moment, very tearful,
and you just feel very, very proud to be in Australia.
And you go like this a lot.
Yeah, and say mate and stuff.
It wasn't just you though, was it, when you won your gold medal?
Because your coach, Laurie, he went absolutely berserk.
Yeah, we had just the best coach-athlete relationship
coming up to the Olympic Games and then we won.
We won as a team, we won together.
He went crazy and I got the gold medal.
Were you embarrassed?
Oh, no, no, not at all.
That's just Laurie.
You don't spend that much time with someone
without knowing what they're like.
And Laurie's a true Australian and he's very passionate about everything.
And that was a high point, a very, very high point
because we've just done such a tremendous amount of work.
People only see what they see in the Olympic pool.
They don't see every morning at 5 o'clock at Chandler Pool in Brisbane
for two years coming up, every afternoon, all the sacrifices you make
and the bonding that you do.
So you didn't actually mean it when you did that to him then?
Oh, no, not at all, much.
So about the pain barriers, what is the relationship
between athlete and coach in swimming?
What would be the ratio?
When you hit the pain barrier and your shoulder's hurt,
how would Laurie respond to that?
With a lot of caring.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Like?
Like a big laugh and say, keep going.
Really?
What about when you were swimming and the swimmers were complaining that they had...
Oh, right.
Yeah, well, see, in swimming you get overwork injuries,
where you get, say, tendonitis of the shoulder and things like that.
And the, for instance, you're talking about is we're all standing around on pool deck
and we're all bitching that we didn't want to get in the pool
and he's going, does it really hurt?
And we're like, yeah, it really bloody hurts.
And he goes, does it really, really hurt?
And we're like, yeah, it really hurts.
And he rubbed his knuckles down a brick wall that was just on poolside
and all the skin came off and bleeding and everything.
It doesn't hurt this much.
Oh, splash!
We're just going to get in the pool now.
So how does one know then when the relationship between swimmer and coach is over?
Because you met Laurie when you went to the AIS.
Yeah, well, see, Laurie was moving into other areas that he's doing now,
public speaking and so forth, and I wanted more of a squad atmosphere.
And where I was training at the Gold Coast with Laurie before the 92 Olympics,
we didn't really have a squad atmosphere and the mundane sport of swimming that it is.
You see a lot of people around you who are charged in your direction
and that you get to see every rest period for 10 seconds and that type of thing.
So I went down there basically for the squad training.
I suppose all this is irrelevant now because you're not doing it.
That's right.
So what are your dreams like?
Are you having good dreams?
Oh, it's great.
You can wake up at 7 o'clock in the morning.
Seven?
Yeah.
Don't be silly.
You don't have to get up anymore.
Oh, no, but I can't sleep in any further.
It's really bad.
Oh, you'll get used to it.
Let me promise you.
I've just got to stay up later.
You certainly don't.
You're wearing Fahrenheit aftershave, aren't you?
Yeah.
That's very good.
My father's day present.
Well, I was just going to say I was wondering how I was going to keep my concentration going,
but that is right.
You are a father, so I must keep it rather clean.
Duncan, thank you.
It's just Fahrenheit.
It just does something to me.
Good.
Duncan, thank you very much for joining us.
And we wish you the best of everything in your new life.
And now for a look at this most interesting sport of goanna pulling, let's go back to
Crackers Keenan Live in Texas, Queensland.
Well, I've got them here, Al.
Two of the greatest goanna pullers in Australia, Graham and Dennis.
Are you ready, boys?
Take up the slack.
Away you go.
Go for it.
Almost.
He's got it almost.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
Pull his neck off.
Very dangerous sport.
Scream.
Get down.
Use your biceps.
You're weakly.
Watch your neck.
You'll end up in a wheelchair.
Sometimes they make.
You've got to watch them when they start to make.
Look at this.
These two folks are getting in.
He's got to beat you.
He's ready.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's got to beat you.
He's dragging your Wooleye Championship.
He's won.
I've got the winner here.
Look at this man here.
Look at the best someone who's in Australia.
Look at that.
Strange looking, you're the winner.
You've done well.
Had it to be.
Oh, man, it's tough.
It's tough.
It's a hard one to pull.
Do you?
I'll reprise that one.
Back to you, Al.
Thank you, Crackers.
You always get out when the going's just getting tough, don't you?
That was Dennis Boyd and Graham Kratz, and they will be.
If you want to see the Goanna pulling in action, you can go up to Grafton next month at the
world's biggest barbecue, and you will see.
Well, you will see that for your very own eyes.
Now, Australia has produced many champions, one of which is our very own Rodney Crick,
who is Australia's truck racing champion.
So let's join Rodney as he really tries his truck.
Meet Rodney Crick.
He's a trucker man.
He races his truck all over this land.
Australian champion, done real well, but Rodney ain't no match for the Bulldog.
Wrong bulldog.
CQ, CQ, does anyone copy Genesis 1?
Over.
Yeah, I got your Genesis 1, go.
Yeah, I copy you, good buddy.
What's your handle?
It's Rodney on this end.
What about that end?
It's Rodney.
Well, Rodney, it's L here.
I suppose the first question that a girl should ask in a situation like this is, tell us about
your rig.
I got a big Volvo, a big blue Volvo N12 on this end.
What about yourself?
Well, what a coincidence, Rodney, because I too happen to drive a 1972 Navy blue Volvo.
Holy hell, that sounds way out.
What is it about Volvo drivers, Rodney?
They're a special vehicle and they take a special person to drive them.
Do you think maybe we should have an eyeball?
Yeah, I'd love an eyeball.
Well, I can't wait to meet you either, Rodney.
You sound just like the John Laws kind of man I want to meet.
L. Rodney.
Rodney Crick, tell us about this rig.
Look at this, it's a Volvo.
Yeah, well, it's a Volvo N12, a 12 litre engine that pushes out around about 1100 horsepower.
It's got a five speed Allison automatic gearbox in it that we manually change.
Oh, God, tell me more.
How does the Volvo stand up against the other trucks?
Oh, good.
I'm the champion at the moment and this year I'm leading the championship again, so the
old Volvo says a lot for the Volvo truck, doesn't it?
Yeah, wipes the old Max off the track.
Can woods.
Can woods, yeah.
But that's that sign, you know, that male sexuality sign.
It is, isn't it?
How's that noise?
Disgusting.
Which is your favourite bit of the truck?
I suppose the...
The way that stripe just goes so fast.
Yeah, the colour, the nice bonnet shape here.
I think my favourite bit's the seat and the steering wheel because I'm behind there and
I'm enjoying it.
Do you want to have a look at the seat?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
Yeah, coming over.
And Roddy, because I'm so impressed.
Not only do I want to show you my car, but I also want to present you with this.
This is the John Laws, You've Never Been Trucked Like This Before album.
Oh, wonderful, oh, yes.
It is.
It's very special.
Not because we really like it in our office, it's just that no-one can stand listening
to it any more.
Oh, I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Don't...
Don't worry.
You have a look at my car.
Oh, isn't it beautiful?
Oh, and I'll have a look at yours.
Oh, isn't all these lovely seat covers?
Oh my God!
Oh look the blinkers are on the other side and the lovely wipers and the
washers
I
Oh what's this button for
Oh
It's the bang-and-bang again Volvo from hell and on that note we were going to
bring you John Laws singing one of his greatest hits but he was busy with his
valvoline so instead we have for you tonight once again Neil Murray and the
Rainmakers with Big Truck
what my problem is he said son you're trying to take too much on your
shoulders you got too many battles over here
what you need is a new direction what you need is a change of heart
what you need is to lighten your load have you thought about a brand new start
I run a big truck
I drive a big truck
just wanna know you're making money that's their only measure of success
I'm supposed to tell you you ain't getting any younger
you better do something else
I got deliveries to the country
I got deliveries for the man in the street
I got deliveries for all walks of life
but most of all for myself
I run a big truck
every night and every day
I drive a big truck
and drive it
to my house
Oh yeah I do get lonely
Oh yes I've had my doubts
But this road I've on, I've been on so long,
I'm too far gone to stop now.
I run a big truck, mister.
Running hard every day.
I drive a big truck, and I'll be driving
for the rest of my days.
For all of my remaining days.
My remaining days.
My remaining days.
My remaining days.
From Norths, their star, Mario Fennec.
Lovely. So Mario, tell me, how does it feel to miss the finals with Norths?
Terrible.
Really bad?
Well, you know...
You just missed out.
We're trying to get used to it, but the thing that was disappointing about my team was that
we, after round 16, we were in the top three and we sort of fell away badly and, you know,
it's very disappointing, but they say there's always next year, but it doesn't make you
feel any better.
Does it hurt more missing out being in the finals by that much with Norths or completely
missing out being perpetually wooden spooners with your former club Souths?
No, no, no. Honest. What hurts more?
Well, that's a bit rough in terms of...
True.
With my Souths? No, I don't think it's true. Personally, I don't really think you've got
too much knowledge of the game at all, Ellie.
None at all. That's why I am free to be objective and ask the hard question, because I don't
have any ego in this. Like, I don't have to prove anything because I don't know a thing
about it.
Well, to be honest, it probably... I'd much rather finish close to the semi-finals than
down at the bottom, but sure, to get so close and so near yet so far as the saying goes,
but I'm more disappointed at the fact that I felt we should have got there, but through
some players playing with injury and a few form slumps, we missed out.
Form slumps, injury, clichés, football injuries. Isn't it? I mean, that's what everybody says.
Every man's got two arms and two legs and ten fingers and ten toes and half a brain.
I don't know. No.
No, let's go back, Mario, because you've been playing for a long time and you've lasted.
I mean, longevity, because it's a young, fast man's game now.
Well, you know, I'm proud of the fact that I've played ten years of first grade.
Exactly, yeah.
So, well, you know, it's a matter of being dedicated to what you want to do and I train
very hard and now that I'm getting older, I have to train harder and, as Duncan said,
get up early in the mornings and do that type of thing. So I love the game. Honestly, I'd
love to be able to play the game forever, but that's not possible and, you know, I'll
give it my best shot while I can play the game and hopefully that'll be another couple
of seasons.
Because you came out with your parents from Malta when you were only three months old.
What stimulated your interest in rugby league? Was it school or...?
Well, the main reason I really got attracted to the rugby league was the fact that when
my brother and I first went to school, we were born in Malta and we used to get called
wogs and that type of thing and I was probably sick of getting in so many fights and getting
sent home from school. So the only thing that I could really see as to try to become more
Australian was to play rugby league. I saw that as an opportunity to become more accepted
playing the game and that's what really attracted me to the game.
Was yours like an all-boys school with lots of male, you know, two kids?
Yeah, it was an all-boys school and we had nuns that looked after us.
The nuns?
They were hard-banged.
I've seen nuns playing rugby league except they play without a hooker.
But the nuns were very tough and loved their rugby league and you really had no choice
but to play the game. They virtually threw the uniform at you and I spent the first five
or six years not really knowing the rules and sitting on the sideline.
Just like me.
So when you... I was going to ask you why they called you test match.
Because I take things pretty seriously.
No.
When I was younger we'd play touch football and muck around with the boys and I'd really
take it seriously and they'd say, well, come on, settle down. It's not a test match.
So they called you test match.
They call me many things, Ellie. They call me many things.
Yeah, from the sidelines.
But test match and I get muzzler and I get a few other things I can't really say on camera.
But, you know, a few little nicknames here and there.
We went on and you ended up playing with Souths, which was your local club.
It was pretty fortuitous, really, the Rabbitos.
Well, actually, Fennec means rabbit in Maltese, which is destiny, I suppose.
Aren't you lucky that Fennec doesn't mean swimming costume.
You would have had to be a synchronised swimmer.
Or loser. You would have had to play for Queensland in the Sheffield Shield.
That was very lucky.
Well, yeah, that was destiny to play for Souths and I really enjoyed my time there.
Ten years?
Yeah, I was ten years there and unfortunately the club had financial problems
and I was shown the door, so to speak, and fortunately North Sydney came along
and it just worked out great.
Because you represent, really, the personification of the changing face of Rugby League
with the swapping of clubs, not just so much playing for the jumper,
but the money coming into it.
When you went to Norths after playing for Souths, which you loved and grew up with,
was it the same? Is it the same?
Well, to clarify your point before in terms of I was faced with no other choice but to move on.
It's just like I liken it to someone who's working at a job for ten years
and they virtually try to reduce or halve your pay.
And I'm dedicated to what I do and I train very hard
and virtually I was left with no choice but to go elsewhere.
So really I was forced to go elsewhere, otherwise I'd still be there.
Alright, Judas, let's move on.
You have had lots of injuries.
I haven't had too many injuries at all.
You haven't?
No. I had a bit of injury at the Rothmans Medal the night I saw you.
Yes.
Do you remember that? I bruised the eardrums.
Yes, that's because I was talking to you. Yes, certainly.
But you've often said that you're a man that likes to lead with his head,
which I always find a very admirable quality in a man.
Do you still, now that you've got to really look after yourself,
now that you have to really look after yourself and your body,
are you as fearless, as reckless?
Well, in terms of leading with your head, I believe in my experience
that the real good defensive players are people that lead with their head.
And that's not...you've got to understand what I'm trying to say.
In terms of you lead with your head, your shoulders are supposed to go in the right place, of course,
but what you find is the people that are good tacklers don't fear to lead with their head.
And I've lead with my head many times, and as you can see,
I've come off second best a few times as well.
Well, you have, because your lovely wife, Rebecca, is pregnant.
Yeah.
Tell me...
How many months now?
Listen, I hope there's security guards here,
because I'm a chance to go and berserk in this thing.
Are you going to bump me?
No, I wouldn't bump you, but I'd pick you up and probably spear you into that...
No, no, how many months now?
She's four months.
Which means that she would have conceived in, like, May,
which means she's due in January,
which means she doesn't stuff up the football season, did you?
Actually, that's a little bit of a problem, because she's due on the 1st of March.
So, you know, we'll have to talk about that later, but we're very happy.
I'm sure you are, and that's what I want to say, Mario,
within every rugged footballer there is a sensitive new age guy underneath,
and you are one of the best.
Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is the Mario Fennec book called Personal Best.
It's co-written by Mario's brother Stephen Fennec.
It is fabulous reading.
Go out and enjoy it, Mario.
Once again, thank you for joining us.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Once again now, with all the sports news, let's cross to Karen Tye.
APPLAUSE
Thanks, Earl. Hello again.
Well, both the Sydney and Brisbane Rugby Union finals will be decided this weekend,
and a late Wallaby spot for the Tour of Canada and France could be up for grabs.
Fullback Tim Kelleher will undergo a medical tomorrow
to examine the progression of his recovery from stomach ulcers.
In the Sydney Grand Final tomorrow, minor premieres Gordon will start
big favourites against Warringah with defending champs Randwick Absinthe
for the first time in 17 years.
CHANTING
CHANTING
All year they've been doing plenty of singing in the Gordon dressing room.
Mark Hartill, though, is their big worry for tomorrow.
He hasn't played since suffering a badly corked leg injury two weeks ago.
His grand final spot tomorrow is not just in doubt,
but also his place in the Wallaby squad for the North American and French Tour.
I've had some advice that if I do play, it will be with pain
and I probably won't do any more damage.
That made me feel a lot better and made it easier to make a decision.
Gordon has three sides in grand finals tomorrow.
A three out of three result has been drummed into the players' minds all week.
Good news on our junior hockey front with the Australian Junior Women's Team
progressing to the final of the World Cup in Barcelona.
The team will meet Argentina in Sunday's final.
And our Junior Men's Team are also doing well,
reaching the semi-finals of their World Cup campaign,
which will be played tonight later on in our time.
Now, recapping tonight's two basketball games in the Men's National League.
Perth, easy winners, and not surprisingly, over Hobart, 127-99,
and Geelong, defeating the high players Gold Coast by just the three points.
Rugby League this Sunday sees the defending Premier's Battle Canterbury
plays alongside St George in the grand final.
No prizes where Debbie's heart lies, but who's going to win?
You know, this week, for the first time,
I've started to feel ashamed to be a Sydney cider.
Every time I've picked up a newspaper or looked at a television,
there's been some miserable sod telling me that Beijing's got the Olympics in the bag
and the Broncos are as good as into the grand final.
Well, I don't care if the Chinese are already painting the five rings on their tanks.
I don't care if there's already eight truckloads of grand final T-shirts
printed in maroon and yellow.
I'm not giving up that easily.
What's going on? Have we become the turn-it-up capital of the world?
Is the Sydney psyche being dressed by Anita Keating's fashion designer?
Sure, Sunday's match looks ridiculously one-sided on paper,
but that's what they said about the United Nations v Muhammad ID.
I know the Broncos can score from anywhere on the field, anytime,
with almost any player.
I know that last weekend the Bulldogs were as useless as Joan Sutherland's support
to the Olympic bid, but I'm going to tip them anyway.
Go for the Bulldogs' 93 Sydney 2000 double.
It won't necessarily come up trumps,
think how much stick you'll be able to give to those smug, pessimistic know-alls
that said it couldn't be done.
Karen.
Thank you, Debbie.
Well, preliminary final time tomorrow in the AFL,
Essendon and the Crows looking for the second grand final berth to play Carlton.
Essendon will start favourites, but let's find out from the man who knows,
Crackers Keenan.
Thanks, Karen.
Well, I suppose the second-last game, Essendon vs. the Crows.
The Crows have about as much chance of winning this game as this poor little pork
applying to the moon.
Essendon, a very good side, will win the preliminary final.
Back to you, Karen.
Thank you, Crackers.
Well, please join me next Friday morning from 2am in the lead-up to our Olympic announcement
because it's going to be very lonely out there at Home Bush Bay.
I need some people to watch me.
Now we go back to Crackers with this week's Controversy Corner question.
Who should put the bill for sporting injuries?
Hey!
Who should put the bill for sporting injuries?
You know where I've seen you in Parking Street?
Yeah, that's good. I get there in a bit.
You gave me a hard time because I had shorts on and everything.
I just come from the gym. Who's going to win where?
Who's going to... Who should put the bill for sporting injuries?
The government.
The government.
I think the clubs should...
The clubs, the sportsmen themselves.
Yes, it should be subsidised by the government.
It should be subsidised by the players.
It should be subsidised by the team managers with the money.
The money people should pay for it.
Get on your bike and leave.
Go Crack.
What if we go hand gliding and you get stuck on a ledge
and have to call in the emergency services?
Who pays?
Well, that would be the question, wouldn't it?
I never realised. It's a bit like the ambulance, you know, to be honest with you.
Until St John's ambulance did that ad on the TV,
I didn't even realise you had to pay for the ambulance that came and go.
I thought it was done by the government, but now I realise it.
So if the helicopter... I'd have to pay for it.
If I was stuck on the ledge and I had to pay for it,
I'd be quite prepared to pay if it was the pair to come and get me.
You would?
I'd have to because I want to get off the bloody ledge.
The football team, if they want him back.
Absolutely. I'm sure the fans have paid extra 50 cents on the ticket.
Absolutely.
Well, I know who should pay it and I know who does pay it.
Who does pay it?
I think it should be a user's pay.
Can I speak to you two people for a second?
Oh, my God, of course you can.
All right, now listen. Shut up.
If you're doing the Robics and you do your knee, not work for six weeks,
who should pay the bill?
The work should pay.
Work care?
Yeah, definitely.
No, the work, not work. Not the government. Work.
What about in sporting fields? Getting injured in a sporting field?
Oh, no, the clubs should pay.
Oh, especially like, you mean it's big time, like AFL and the Olympics and all that?
Yeah, Paul Keating should pay that.
Why?
Well, because he's got us all on the shit. Why shouldn't he get me out?
If you're interested in restaurant activity, like hang gliding or deep-sleeve fishing or whatever,
they send in the emergency services to pick you up.
Who should pay the cost for that?
Erm...
I'll give you some thinking time.
Erm...
Erm...
I think I should.
Why?
Well, it was my fault.
You were a silly Billy.
Yeah.
You were. You were a naughty bunny.
You were. And are you ever going to do it again?
Never. Never.
Never. Good boy.
Thank you. Thank you.
APPLAUSE
So tell us, who should foot the bill for sporting injuries?
Well, what a panel we've got for you tonight.
On this hand side, Debbie Sculliver-Ospilane, Peter Krakers-Keenan
and back to join us, Lex the Swine Mariner.
You were in line.
CHEERING
And on this hand side, our very special guests, Mario Judas-Fenick...
LAUGHTER
..Duncan Fahrenheit Armstrong.
We're expecting a case of it.
And from Triple J, Mikey Robbins.
CHEERING
So who should foot the bill for sporting injuries?
Let's find out.
Duncan?
I think the club should. You were a sportsman.
Yeah, I was. Oh, yes.
I knew she'd go to you first. Absolutely.
So I appreciate it.
Would you two swap seats, please? I just...
No, no, Duncan, who should?
I think the club should.
I think the clubs are paying you to be out there playing for them.
Yeah. And, you know, you're their asset.
And, you know, they should fix your asset if it gets broke.
Yes, but the clubs pay you...
What if the clubs get broke? The clubs pay you enough money
to play for it. Aren't there some things that should be the athletes' responsibility?
Well, it should be written into your contract, I think.
That... That is part of it. Part of the whole kid and capoeira.
But do you know how the contracts go nowadays?
Athletes don't get a chance. If they want to play,
they've got to sign what's put in front of them.
Well, they need a very good manager, don't they, Mario?
We've got a new controversy corner question.
Athletes need lawyers. That's what we're going to talk about.
No, no, no. Debbie.
Um... We're back on sporting injuries.
We're back on sporting injuries. Well, I think the promoters
are the people who should pay for the injuries,
because, let's face it, the greater the chance of somebody getting injured,
the more money they're going to make.
You know, I mean, you work it out that way.
Boxing's the most expensive sport in the world at the stage,
and motor racing, all those sorts of...
I don't know how golf gets there. I'm not really sure about that one.
But, basically, if they want blood... Boxing?
If they want blood, they've got to pay for it if it happens.
So the promoters, whoever's making money...
The blood takes his chance in boxing.
He goes, gets his head knocked off. That's why you've got to have a look at it.
Well, that's why the promoters are the ones who should...
Ah, what, because you've got brain damage?
No, that's what I'm saying. Because the promoters
actually make money out of the fact that somebody might get their head knocked in.
That's why they're in the ring for.
Well, it did. The promoters put him in the ring
because they want to see him have his head knocked in.
What do you think, you idiot?!
He gets into the ring because he wants to.
This is interesting, because we've had a letter of the week
that comes from Sue Marnie of Southport in Queensland.
She actually vaguely agrees with you, Debbie,
which is a damn surprise.
She says that we are approaching it from the wrong angle.
You're not going for a change of life, are you?
Crackers. Have another long lunch, crackers.
Now, she actually says that we're approaching this question from the wrong angle.
She says sports injuries needn't be seen as liabilities to be coughed up for,
but as an excellent opportunity for further corporate sponsorship.
Companies should sponsor particular types of injury
that tend to remind the public of their products.
For example, who does not immediately think cartilage
when they bite into a Big Mac?
Alternatively, the Golden Arches could be used to support those athletes with flat feet.
The English Batting line-up, for instance.
Don Smallgoods could manage groin strains,
while Billy Hyde's drum clinics are a natural to sponsor concussions.
She's also drawn a wonderful picture of Merv Hughes' jock strap,
and the sponsor she's written on it is Lucky Boy.
Mikey.
It's going to vary from sport to sport, Elle.
Look at your sporting injury and bowling, eh? Lawn bowls.
What's the matter? The occasional tube of hemorrhoid cream.
Heart attacks, heart attacks.
Oh, heart attacks. Once they're dead, they're dead at that age.
Bugger it. They're gone.
What about abseiling?
Like, you know, if a bloke's prepared to jump off a cliff,
who's going to ensure him? He's a dork and he deserves it.
Yes, that's right. You shouldn't insure him.
If he's prepared to get up to a cliff and jump, let him go.
So, Crackers, are you saying that the government shouldn't pay for...
No, they fall off and you've got to rescue them.
Just leave them be. Just send them a car.
Put a death notice in.
No-one should have to pay for it. It should be free to get an injury.
Look, these people are at the cutting edge of medicine.
I mean, it's the sportsmen who are telling us about knee reconstructions
and... I mean, the groin...
We'd be groping around in the dark for the groin.
We didn't know anything about the groin until sports came along.
Sport is there to advance medicine. So it should be free.
It's their right. It's their human right to get it.
Can I just cut in, please? Oh, please, Marlo.
Honestly, I don't think you, Blase, I don't think you people have got a clue.
I tell you what...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If you want to go, I would have told you, but I won't now.
I'll tell you why. In terms of...
I'll fill you in what happens in terms of what we do, right?
And I think that's the fair way to go.
In terms of, with myself, I...
We have to compulsory enrol with a full cover NIV I'm with, right?
Full cover. So I have to pay for that.
Nice plug, isn't it?
Barrett Plug, NIV, Volvo, gee, we're doing well tonight on the ABC.
Hang on, hang on. Let me...
Well, and then after that, the club pays the difference.
So I insure myself and I pay the fees for my NIV.
And they pay the rest, which is a fair go, isn't it?
That happens in Victoria too, you know, Mario.
We're advanced down there too. We have that.
You're not alone, you know.
But if you're in a club and you're a professional sportsman,
I'm but like Duncan, they've got to look over,
but these idiots are going on a sail to Tasmania.
Let them go.
I mean, what about rock fishing?
You ever try to fill on a rock?
I bet you not. That's awful.
Hey, what about... what about Pockabillies?
I bet you... You can do a few, is there, Mario?
You pulled that one out first, eh?
And then it goes up on any of those things
where they might need to be rescued or to carry some plastic with them,
you know, the Diners Club card or the AmEx or whatever.
And they just come in with the helicopter
and just phone through and check that the credit's there
to pay for the rescue before they rescue them.
Then we're never going to be in debt.
Just rack it up on your card.
Actually, Debbie, see, it could be handy there.
Just send the crew out from police rescue.
Yes.
It's Gary Sweet. Where are you going?
Sonia Todd saves you writing an episode. Just get them to do it.
It's the best thing, Debbie. We all pay our taxes, right?
So why shouldn't if one gets stuck abseiling on it?
Because some people take far more risks than other people.
I mean, a lot of people just do stupid things.
They want to run across deserts. They want to jump off cliffs.
They want to jump out of airplanes.
They want to be healthy. They're promoting health and sport.
No, they want to see if they can survive.
What about that Eddie the Eagle?
Like, what an absolute idiot he was. He couldn't even jump.
And he was there. Each of them killed himself and done it all.
Well...
No, you sound like an idiot. I hope you die.
Well, on that note, Crackers, on that note, Crackers,
I think we might round up the panel.
Mario, you don't have anything to add to that.
Well...
Mario, what about... They haven't got a clue.
We haven't got a clue.
How can you talk when you've got that funny little hint?
Yeah.
What about...
And on that note...
And on that note, we are going to round up the panel
before I get my head well and truly kicked in.
Thank you very much for joining us.
Thank you, Mario. Thank you, Duncan.
Thank you to our GoAnna pullers.
As I said, you can see them at GoAnna pullers, I said, Debbie.
You can see them at Krafton
at the World's Biggest Barbecue on next month.
Do you have a pull to GoAnna?
I don't pull and tell, Debbie.
I do not pull and tell.
Next week, we're going to be in Melbourne
for the Grand Final show.
Of course, the AFL Grand Final on Saturday
in a big rugby league Grand Final Sunday week.
That's what I'm trying to say.
And on that show once again, you can call us in Melbourne
on Monday morning between 9 and 10 on 03 524 244.
524 244.
Remember, ladies, bring a plate.
Featured on that show, the magnificent band
that Debbie has got the hots for. Who are they?
Oh, thanks very much. The Sharp.
Yes, Deb, we like them very, very much.
Next week's Controversy Corner question.
Act for the significance of the weekend.
What does football mean to you?
There, Mario's got a tear in his eye.
What does football mean to you?
If you've got an...
I've tried that galana pulling. It's quite good fun, actually.
Is it? Yeah.
I think you could have had a fair bit of it tonight, actually, Mario.
So, Mario...
What do you do in a tunnel mine?
So, Mario, that's what you do in a scrum.
Um...
If you'd like to tell us what football means to you,
you can write to us at live in Sydney Post Office Box
triple 9-4 Sydney 2001 or fax us on 029503466.
And on that note, goodnight, Australia.
And by golly, we love you, Toro.
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And we'll be right back.
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MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC PLAYS
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Is football stupid?
Find out on Wednesday when Wendy Harmer, Andrew Denton,
HG Nelson, Lex Marinos and more tackle this highly sensitive sporting question.
World Series Debating, our ABC special, next Wednesday night at 8.30.
Coming up, sticky moments.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC PLAYS
It's tough.
Uncompromising.
Flush or fall.
It's no holds barred.
Because God knows whenever I see a man wearing an Italian watch,
I just strip down to my underwear, start to read a book,
say, please grab this breast and could I talk to you for the time?
The Late Show, 10 o'clock Saturday.
SINGER SINGS
Hello.
SINGER SINGS
What's your name?
It's Keely.
SINGER SINGS
Extraordinary hair. You've been teasing that for hours, I expect.
SINGER SINGS
I'd like a sticky moment with Sean, please, Hugh.
SINGER SINGS
This man with the earring.
SINGER SINGS
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Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
From Germany, a sticky moment.
And here's the old viewer himself, Julianne Cleary!
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That's fine, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, thank you.
Well, Gundarpen, punters.
Mein Damen and any herons that might be watching as well.
Welcome to my world.
We are here in Germany, where, of course, all the men are called Boris.
And they wear little leather shorts, I've noticed.
It's gorgeous Germany, that's what I call it.
The best thing about it is that you can get the sausage of your dreams...
LAUGHTER
..any time of day or night, which is a dream come true.
Have you met the sausage of your dreams yet, Russell?
No. No? Met any nice little hideys?
Not as yet, Julianne.
No hidey-holes, I suppose?
LAUGHTER
Don't encourage me, please.
LAUGHTER
Of course, you're a heterosexual, though, aren't you?
I am not so, yes.
Good. Can you hear that funny noise?
I can hear a strange sort of rumbling noise in the distance.
Sounds like a train to me.
LAUGHTER
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How lovely.
Back on time, as usual.
How are you, Hugh? Very well indeed, sir.
My glamorous assistant, the lovely Hugh Jelly, ladies and gentlemen.
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It's lovely here, isn't it? I love it.
And you've got some punters there, have you, in the various compartments for me?
Thank you, I'll just get to know them a bit better.
We'll start with you, Dave Turp.
And you're an insurance broker.
That's right. Right, that's interesting.
LAUGHTER
You'd like to be a record sleeve designer.
Yeah.
What's your favourite album that you'd like to design a sleeve for?
I think it's got to be Eurasia.
Sorry, who? Eurasia.
Eurasia. You need to open your mouth when you speak.
LAUGHTER
Eurasia. Yeah. They're very good.
What sort of concept would you come up with for one of their albums, do you think?
Well, I think along the lines of their recent sleeves,
lilies and flowers and things.
Flowers.
Trees.
Bushes. Bushes.
Now you're talking, Dave.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, then, Dave, we'll move on to Glynnis, who's been chatting away here.
Hello, Glynnis. Hello.
Very summery indeed, look there.
LAUGHTER
Would you like to stretch your legs a bit, Glynnis?
LAUGHTER
If you've come all this way by train,
wave your legs out here a bit and stretch them.
That'll be enough, thank you.
LAUGHTER
Russell excited. He's a long way from home.
Aren't you, Russell? Very much so.
That'll be enough from you.
And you're an operator.
Right, and you'd rather be a receptionist.
LAUGHTER
Well, if you work very hard, Glynnis...
LAUGHTER
Maybe one day you could climb that slippery ladder...
LAUGHTER
..and be some reception somewhere,
receiving people to your heart's content.
LAUGHTER
Erm, you're married with two children.
Yes. What are they called?
Susan and Keith. Susan and Keith?
LAUGHTER
Keith?
You don't have any educational qualifications,
but you're a fertile woman, so...
LAUGHTER
Your proudest moment, there's a few.
What would you like to pick one to share with us?
Erm...
What was one that particularly stands out as your proudest moment?
I think when I had my daughter.
When you had your daughter? Yes.
Yes, but not Keith, that you want to share with us.
LAUGHTER
The first is different from the second, isn't it?
So I believe...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Glynnis.
Sean Southcomb. Hello.
Purcell White Trousers.
LAUGHTER
You're happy with your name, Sean, and you're from Hackney.
That's right, yeah. So is she.
LAUGHTER
You'd rather live in Islington.
Yeah, it's a bit more trendier and a bit more, sort of, like, livelier than Hackney.
Yeah, so you can walk around the streets at night as well,
without being stabbed or anything like that.
You can walk round Hackney, can't you?
She can walk round Hackney.
Well, perhaps you are aggressive about things.
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't say that. No, I wouldn't say that either.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm barking up the wrong tree there, Sean.
LAUGHTER
You'd like to be an A&R man for a record company.
That's right, yeah. Instead of working for Burton's.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.