If you're like most parents, sometimes you get frustrated over the way your children act.
Well, maybe even more than sometimes.
In this Boys Town video for parents, we'd like to share with you our method of helping a child change his or her behavior.
It sure does work wonders for us, and we're confident that it will work for you, too.
Kids don't always act as we'd like them to. Why not?
Well, it could be as simple as they don't know what to do in a particular situation.
It could be they don't know when certain responses are inappropriate.
It could be that their own anxieties, fears, or anger get in the way.
Or it could be they've been encouraged to continue an annoying pattern.
Like the child who's learned that throwing a tantrum is a good way to get attention.
Whatever the cause of the problem behavior, there is a solution.
It's called corrective teaching. It involves stopping your child's undesirable behavior,
delivering a consequence, teaching an alternative way to act,
and finally helping the child use the new behavior.
Three of the most common ways children misbehave are through aggression, withdrawal, or immature behavior.
Let's look at an example of aggression.
Give it to me. Your time is up, and you know it.
Hey, I'm not done.
Too bad. You've had it all morning.
That's not fair. I was in the middle of a game.
Tough.
Give it back.
No way.
Oh, no. What am I going to do with those kids?
All right now. Calm down.
If I go in there screaming, they're just going to yell louder.
Well, here goes.
Mom's off to a great start.
She realizes a number of practical guidelines.
That acting in anger or frustration will not benefit her or her children.
That yelling begets more yelling.
And that her sons will learn by her example.
If she speaks calmly in a normal tone of voice all the while practicing self-control,
she's being a good role model for her children.
Being a parent is not easy.
The thought of being a 24-hour-a-day role model can be overwhelming.
None of us is perfect.
But it's important for us to set the best example we can,
because our children do learn by observing our attitudes and behavior.
So after getting yourself calmed down when your children misbehave,
try using corrective teaching.
The four elements of corrective teaching are,
number one, stop the problem behavior.
Two, deliver a consequence.
Three, teach an alternative behavior.
And four, practice the alternative behavior.
Let's dissect these steps.
The first item is to stop the problem behavior.
When doing this, be sure to empathize with your child.
An understanding attitude will reaffirm that the correction is done out of concern and love.
Start by saying something like,
I understand sometimes it's hard to share things.
Or, I know the video game is fun and that you both want to play with it.
Also clearly describe what's wrong.
It's not sufficient to say, you're being bad.
Often parents are not specific enough,
and the child may feel that you dislike him, not his behavior.
Specifically describe your child's actions and words instead of trying to interpret them.
For example, you took the controls from your brother's hands.
You didn't ask him if you could have them.
Instead of saying, you're a bully.
Let's check back on mom to see how she implements these techniques.
Notice how she does not get sidetracked into discussing who's being fair and who isn't.
Boy, stop it.
I know the video game is fun and you both want to play,
but stop fighting over it.
Jimmy, sit over there.
Sam, take a seat here.
Hand me the controls, please.
But mom, Jimmy's been playing all day.
I never get a chance to play.
It's not fair.
Boys, we'll talk about what's fair later.
Right now, give me the game.
Now, I know sometimes it's hard to share,
and you both want to play,
but arguing and fighting over the controls is not the solution.
But...
Now, because you were arguing and fighting over the controls,
neither of you will be playing for one hour.
Great.
Oh, mom.
Mom has now stopped the problem behavior and clearly described what it was,
that is, arguing and grabbing,
and delivered a consequence, loss of the game for an hour.
Taking away a privilege such as use of the video game
teaches children that there are consequences for misbehavior.
Try to relate the consequence to the problem whenever possible.
Our mother will now go a step further than many parents have traditionally gone
and teach an alternative behavior.
Learning a new way to act in a certain situation
shows children how they can control what happens to them.
Neither of you will be playing the game for one hour.
Great.
Oh, mom.
You need to learn how to solve the problem
of both of you wanting the game at the same time.
Sam, if Jimmy is playing,
politely ask to have the controls when he's finished.
Jim, you say, okay, and hand it to him.
If your brother refuses to give it to you,
come get me and I'll help the two of you solve the problem.
Well, what if somebody always plays longer than he's supposed to?
I think we should get the timer out
and begin using it again to be fair to both of you.
If you use the timer and ask politely when your brother's time is up,
you'll both enjoy your turn more,
and you won't lose your playing time like you just did.
Mom got her message across successfully,
and she also gave her sons a reason to solve their problems without arguing.
Now she'll follow through with the final step of corrective teaching
by having the boys practice what's expected of them.
Not only will this help reinforce the ideas just introduced,
but it will make them come alive.
It's putting the plan into practice
that will allow the child to master a new skill.
Knowing what to do is different from knowing how to do it.
Finding the exact words or feeling comfortable acting in a new way
may not come easily to the child.
Help guide the child through this with lots of feedback.
Let him know if he's on course.
Be encouraging and generous with praise.
Let's say Jimmy's time is up.
Sam, go ahead and ask Jimmy if you can have it.
Jim, you say, okay, and hand it to him.
Jimmy, can I have the game when you're done?
Yeah, you can, Sam. I'm almost finished.
That was great.
Sam, that's just the way you should ask if you can use it,
and Jimmy, you handle that just right.
Now, what would you do if your brother refused to give it to you?
I'd go get you to help. Me, too.
That's excellent.
The boys will begin implementing their new way of dealing
with the video game problem
and will become more proficient each time.
Most of the time, when a child performs better,
the child will feel better about himself,
and his self-esteem will increase.
That, in turn, will reflect in all areas of his life.
That doesn't happen overnight, however.
Just as incorporating corrective teaching into your parenting style
may not be a quick adjustment,
remember the four basic elements.
Stop the behavior, deliver a consequence,
teach an alternative behavior,
and practice the alternative behavior.
We mentioned earlier that misbehavior can take several forms.
Aggressive behavior is easy to identify.
Fighting, destructiveness, defiance of authority
are a few examples.
Withdrawal displays itself more quietly.
A parent might feel, if a child is being quiet
and keeping to himself, that everything is okay.
That may not be the case.
The silence could indicate a feeling of inferiority,
fear, or distress.
It's more subtle to pick up.
A perceptive parent can recognize
when withdrawal may not be a good sign.
Everyone needs a certain amount of time being alone.
Also, there are times we just don't feel like talking.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But it's important to be able to communicate
those feelings to others.
Notice now how Mom, in this situation,
gives a different sort of consequence,
one that involves talking.
Hi, Leah.
How was school today?
Leah, please look at me when I'm speaking to you.
When I asked you a question, you just kept walking.
You didn't look at me, and you didn't answer me.
Now, I know sometimes you don't feel like talking,
but if you tell me that, I'd be more likely to understand.
Now, instead of watching TV tonight,
I'm going to ask you a question.
Now, instead of watching TV tonight,
we'll do dishes together,
and we'll spend time talking about what's going on
in each other's lives, okay?
Okay.
Now, when I asked you a direct question,
like I did when you just came home,
I want you to stop what you're doing and look at me
and answer with a full sentence.
But what if I don't feel like talking like you said before?
That's a good question, Leah.
If that's the case, you could just ask,
Mom, I don't really feel like talking right now.
We'll later be okay, all right?
I guess so.
Let's try it right now.
How was school today, Leah?
Can we talk about it later when we talk after dinner?
We sure can.
Now, I'll go get dinner ready.
Stop the problem behavior.
Deliver a consequence.
Teach an alternative behavior.
Practice the alternative behavior.
These are the four steps of corrective teaching
that work together.
Just stopping a behavior isn't enough.
Teaching the child an alternative way to act
and giving her practice in doing it
will make it much more likely that your youngster
will change her behavior.
But the best results will be achieved
when the four techniques are used as a total package.
Improving skills in an area where your child is deficient
will make his or her social interactions more satisfying
and increase self-esteem.
Again, progress is gradual.
Don't expect a shy child to become the life of the party
in one easy lesson,
or an aggressive child to calm down overnight.
Set achievable, realistic goals.
To start using these tools,
it may be helpful to review this videotape several times
so you feel comfortable with the steps,
their objectives, and how to implement them.
Perhaps writing down a particular frustration you have
about your child's behavior could be your first step.
Stick with it.
It can and does work.